caught fire. Everybody lost their heads. The girls fainted. The boys
ran for the fire buckets. I finally got a fire-extinguisher going, but
the thing was so old-fashioned several inches of whiskers were burned
before I put out the flames.
[Illustration: “_Several inches of whiskers were burned_”]
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
Christmas—peace on earth, good will to men. Up early to see what
was in my stocking. We had a family gathering in the saloon this
morning. Received the most original presents. Mrs. Ham gave me some
cigars (haven’t smoked any yet) and a pink lounging jacket. The family
gave me: handkerchiefs, a stick pin, Christmas cards, another red
tie, slippers, a knitted shirt, and a pair of skates. Ham gave me
subscriptions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah a handsome pair
of anklets, and a cut-glass salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor.
He’s only 82 and hasn’t much of a beard. I gave the ladies the regular
Christmas presents.
When I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more than I do now. It’s too
expensive for a man with a family as large as mine. People do give such
inappropriate presents. I never looked well in a red necktie.—Had a
real plum-pudding for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.—Oh!
yes, I did not get my egg today. They made eggnog out of it.—We opened
a barrel of candy.—I’m glad the day is over.
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
Lit a Christmas cigar. I never heard one spatter as much when it hit
the water. The slippers pinch my feet.—Yorick walked in my way today.
I gave him a kick. Mrs. Noah saw me. She jawed me and said I had to
stop kicking her pet around.—Mrs. Ham complained to the captain that
Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth keep taking her steamer chair. I told her
she would have to see the deck steward about it.—I wish Ham would work
more and draw less.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
I would like to see a newspaper.—Those two Texas steers are mighty
interesting. Just to think what a big trust their descendants
will figure in.—The poor guineapigs caught their tails in the
machinery today. Now, they will have to go through the generations
tailless.—Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while promenading
the deck with Mrs. Noah. How we men do suffer for our wives’ sake.
Accidentally dropped it overboard.—We’re sailing up the Jordan River.
Of course, Mrs. Ham told us all about her last trip. That woman has
travelled a bit, and continually says, “When I was here the last time,”
or “When I was here before.” It is vulgar to talk like that. These old
travellers are pests.—Hurrah! the prunes are all gone.
WASHDAY.
REMARKS:
Brought one of the Balaam trick donkeys on deck. Ham had a terrible
tumble. They wanted me to ride him, but I thought it would be
undignified.—Band concert tonight. I was the audience. The music
caused such a disturbance down in the hold that the band had to quit.
I never was so grateful to those animals before.—We’re going about ¼
of a knot an hour. I wonder if an ark ever will be built to go as fast
as one knot.—There’s another little rattle in the rattlers’ box.—Ham
took our pictures today.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Stopped all last night on account of a fog. I’m not taking any chances
with the Ark.—Gave the elephants an extra peanut today. Japheth raised
Cain with me. He’s a regular Scotchman.—This afternoon we took Jumbo
out, and gave the ladies a ride. It looked like a circus parade. Wish
I had a motion picture of it.—We also had the races on deck. The boys
ran a marathon. I lost interest—too long. Afterwards I won the potato
race.
[Illustration]
THURSDAY. December 31, B.C. 2349.
REMARKS:
It’s tomorrow now. We all sat around watching the old year out, and
the new year in. At eight bells—midnight—the Ark whistles began to
blow. The family jumped up on the tables, waved flags and blew horns.
Shem opened a bottle of wine.—This is pretty late for me to be up,
but I like a party once in awhile. I haven’t had one since the Ark was
christened.
FRIDAY. January 1, B.C. 2348.
REMARKS:
Wished everybody a happy yom kippur.—Am going to turn over some new
leaves today. Resolved to stop allowing Mrs. Noah to run the Ark,
to abandon wine, and swear off swearing. I am also going to keep a
diary.—We had some fine stewed rabbit for supper.—Received a few New
Year cards.—I am glad I have resolved to abstain from wine. In this
antiquity there is little comfort in becoming inebriated. And, then, I
don’t like that feeling I have in my head the morning after. It would
be a blessing to humanity if someone would invent a remedy for that
pain. I use a towel and ice water. Yes, I’m going to stop, and set a
good example to my offspring.
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
The iguanodon bernissartensis laid an egg. We thought the Ark had run
aground when she cackled. The crew and I rolled it on the scales, but
it was too heavy to weigh. Ham wanted his mother to make an omelet. I
decided, however, to throw it overboard for fear the thing might hatch.
It made a fine big splash.—Passed a school of drowned fish.—Cut
myself this morning while shaving. I’m going to purchase a safety razor
as soon as I get into port.—Passed over Paris. Poor girls.
[Illustration]
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
Entertainment tonight. Pretty dull affair except for my number which
was the feature of the evening. Brought up one of the lions, and made
him go through all his stunts—jump through rings, growl at me, etc.
Then I had the seals. They are very slippery for trainers, but I made
them juggle a flaming torch and balance balls on their noses. Did a lot
of other circus tricks, too. Ended my performance with a grand display
of the elephant. Let him carry me about, walk over me, and stand on a
wash-tub and beg. I do love to crack that whip.—Mrs. Ham gave a lyre
solo. She struck several false notes.—Mrs. Japheth sang “Auld Lang
Syne.”—Ham did a hornpipe.—Shem recited a poem which he dedicated to
me. It was so full of sentiment I’m going to learn it by heart even if
I’m not much of a hand at poetry.—Mrs. Noah took up a collection for
the wives of the seamen.—I don’t like these ship entertainments. I’d
rather see a musical comedy with a good-looking choir any day.
[Illustration: “_My number was the feature of the evening_”]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Today Mrs. Ham told us about a steamer where they had a daily
newspaper. I decided to publish one. Made Shem the editor-in-chief,
Japheth the printer, Mrs. Ham the society editor, and Ham the
cartoonist. First copy is to come from press tomorrow.—We have another
camel and a wee ichthyosaurus burgundii.—One of the crickets has a
sore chirp.
[Illustration]
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
First edition of our paper came out today. We call it the _Diluvian
Times_. Price ½ shekel. Sold seven copies. Ham had a cartoon in it of
Shem. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.—Played solitaire tonight
to kill time.—The mock turtles have a baby mock turtle.—Am glad our
paper is such a success.
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
The _Diluvian Times_ was again for sale at the news-stand. Ham’s
cartoon of Mrs. Noah made me roar. That boy certainly is clever with
his chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I don’t see why.—Twins
arrived at the oyster headquarters.—Twelve more kittens today.—The
German eagle and the British lion are always growling at each
other.—Tonight I sat around reading the paper.
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
Ham’s cartoon of Japheth was capital in today’s _Diluvian Times_. I
laugh every time I think of it.—The flies are becoming a nuisance.
They have occupied all the fly-paper. I love my two pet flies, but I
don’t like their descendants.—Another rhino today. I boxed up the
storks.
[Illustration]
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
There wasn’t a yesterday. We reached the spot in the ocean where we
captains have to forget a day. I don’t know where the 24 hours go. If I
were a younger man I would organize an expedition to come out here and
try to find them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day ahead.—There’s
a cartoon of me in today’s _Diluvian Times_. That impertinent Ham
did it. I didn’t see anything funny in it. Some people always spoil
everything.
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
No _Diluvian Times_ today. I prohibited the publication.—Spent the
morning explaining the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah
and my daughters-in-law. They were very thick-headed.—Mrs. Noah broke
her curling iron today. I made her another out of a piece of pipe.—The
premium on my life insurance came due today. It was the first time in
479 years I’ve let it lapse.—We have a little Yorick. Mrs. Noah makes
a lot of fuss over the puppy.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Roof began to crack.—We let the microbes play in the smoke room
this morning. Had quite a time getting them back in their respective
cages.—That boy Shem is clever. He is a great comfort to me. He is
fond of astronomy. It may come in handy after the fortieth. He’s
fond of animals, too. He taught the rabbits to sit up on their hind
legs.—One of the lap dogs has the colic.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: _The Engine Room_]
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
The elephant walked on my corn. By Jove, it did hurt. I wouldn’t have
minded it if he had stepped on my other foot, but—oh!—that corn.—The
alligators were homesick today. Ham painted some swamp scenery for
them. That is about the first useful thing he has done on the whole
trip.—My back tooth still hurts and we’re a long way from a good
dentist. Tried the hot-water bag, seven poultices, and Mrs. Ham’s faith
cure. Still it throbs.
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
Made up my mind I would get rid of that tooth. Thought of a fine
home-made-dentist plan to pull it. Tied one end of a string to the
tooth and the other to the handle of my stateroom door. I wanted
somebody to open the door, and then the tooth would fly out. Sat there
all day, but no one came in. Tonight I opened the door and found some
practical joker had tacked up a “no admittance” sign. I’ll bet it was
Ham.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
Pulled that tooth today sailor fashion. Tied the other end of the
string to the anchor, and hung on to the mast while Shem threw it
overboard. Thought it would pull the mast up by the roots. I don’t
care, I have fifteen teeth left, but it just dawned on me—I lost that
anchor.
[Illustration]
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
100th day of voyage.—Services. I preached about the dangers young
people encounter in large cities. Hope the congregation remember my
warnings.—Tonight I overheard the officers talking. Ham said there was
not much fun working for the governor as I didn’t pay him anything.
He wanted to know how he could bring up a family on those wages. Shem
took my part and said I might leave him something in my will. Japheth
reminded Ham his expenses were next to nothing, and that he had plenty
to eat. He thought the Noah boys ought to make a fortune after we land
because labor will be so cheap.
Ham said he was going in for politics, and then he would be sure of
his fortune. Japheth said he would like to start a bank. Shem declared
he only would succeed as a professor in some college.—My, I wish one
of my sons would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinction to the
family. I’m glad I haven’t any daughters. All a woman thinks about is
getting married, and I’d have a hard time finding good husbands for
them.
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
Mrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs. Japheth at deck shuffleboard.
Score 100 to 97. Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to play that
game. It’s fun pushing those stone checkers along the deck.—The boa
constrictor peeled himself today.—Mrs. Ham wants the tiger skins to
make rugs. I told her she could have them if the animals died, but I’m
not going to let them die.—Engineer complains the crows are all the
time in the engine room. He’s afraid they will get mixed up in the
machinery. Hunted around the Ark and found some old clothes and ordered
him to make a scarecrow.
[Illustration]
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
Ham is positively useless as an engineer. During the second watch I
saw a snag ahead. I signalled “stop” to the engineer. Ham came up from
the engine room and wanted to know why. We hit that snag. I’ll never
let him engineer me through another flood.—Exercised the lobsters.
Something must be wrong with their differential gears. They only walk
backwards.—Hoisted the sails to help the coal.
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me at shuffleboard today. Score
100 to 23. They did not play fair. They always waited till the Ark was
steady before they shuffled. Broke my monocle while playing.—A little
mammoth came aboard. Boxed up the storks again.—After tea the ladies
patched the sails.—The male missing-link is down with the gout. Spent
evening looking at the family album.
[Illustration: “_Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me_”]
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
Today all the dog licenses expired, but we’re not liable to run into
any dog-catchers out here.—We played a new game tonight. Ham painted
a donkey without a tail on a sheet. We all had little tails made out
of cloth, and took turns being blindfolded, and trying to pin them
on the place where the donkey’s tail commences. I know I would have
hit the spot because I took a good look before they tied up my eyes,
but that villain Ham started me off in the opposite direction to the
painting.—Mrs. Ham says she does not like to ride on a ship with
patched sails.
[Illustration]
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
Am tired of these continental breakfasts, and this condensed
milk.—Wish I had saved the library. I have read everything on board
with the exception of the old time-table, and I’ll finish that
tomorrow.—Mrs. Shem gave a tea in the music room this afternoon.—Have
stopped playing shuffleboard. Nobody will let me beat them at the
game.—The two crows like to roost in the lookout’s barrel. The crew
now call the place the crows’ nest. Put the scarecrow up there to keep
them from interfering with the work of the sailors.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
We are spending the week-end painting the ship. I must live up to the
traditions of the sea.—Ham reported seeing a sea-serpent during his
watch last night. I don’t know about the serpent but I do know he was
in the buffet a long time before he went on the bridge.—The company
that sold me the coal cheated me. Their slate won’t burn.—This clear
weather is awfully monotonous.—We officers have worn a rut in the
bridge where we walk.—One of the big rabbits with a long tail and a
pouch appeared on deck today with a youngster.—Finished the time-table
this afternoon.—Took my bath.
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
Held a lifeboat drill this afternoon. The crew were not very rapid.
It took 1¾ hours to get the boat in the water. All the ropes were
tangled.—Had a talking machine concert this evening. Am tired of
the records. Wish I could get some new ones.—Not a very interesting
day. Did not take my watch this A.M. It was cloudy, and the
sun-dial alarm never went off.
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
Another lifeboat drill today. Such a blockhead crew!—Still painting
ship.—Tonight I made out a new will. I’m leaving the Ark, my insurance
and bank account to my widow, provided she never marries again. Shem
gets my spy-glass, the charts, and this log-book. I’m giving my evening
robes, the engines, and the fish-worms to Ham. Japheth is to have my
razor, top hat, and other personal effects. I willed the beautiful,
plush-covered family album, some stock in the Damascus-Bagdad Oriental
Rug Weaving Company, and my mining stock to the girls. The animals and
the earth I divide equally among the family.
I gave some explicit instructions regarding my funeral. I want to
become a real fine mummy, bound in A No. 1, four ply tire tape, and
tattooed by a good undertaker. The case is to be waterproof. I make a
special request that I shall never be exhibited in a museum. But—I
don’t want to be a mummy for a few centuries.
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Tomorrow I’ll be a rich man. We are going to have a rabbit and turtle
race. Bet all the officers 5 to 1 on the turtle. I saw all the officers
winking, but they don’t know I got a tip from Æsop’s animal book. It
may be wrong to bet on a sure thing, but the money will stay in the
family anyway.—Held another lifeboat drill today. The boat was in the
ocean in one hour. That was a big improvement. Everything went all
right, only we couldn’t find the oars.
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
Held the derby today. I’m a ruined man. Threw that nature-faker’s book
overboard. He was either like most authors, or he had a different
kind of a turtle. By jove, my turtle hadn’t reached the first hurdle
before the rabbit was under the wire.—Insisted on another lifeboat
drill. I don’t know what’s the matter with that crew of mine. Two hours
were spent in getting the boat in the sea. I’m not going to let them
practise any more.
[Illustration]
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
The ice machine broke today. Engineer spent the whole day trying to
repair it. I tried also, but the engine was like a Chinese puzzle to
me.—The poor polar bears are suffering. Ordered the women folks to
take turns fanning them.—I am greatly worried.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
Still Ham couldn’t fix that machine. Wish I had brought a good engineer
along. He says it works perfectly with the exception of making ice.
The ladies threaten a strike on the fanning business. The water in the
seals’ tank is getting warm. The seals and sea-lions are shedding their
fur. Have decided to take the Ark to the polar regions until the engine
is repaired. Of course, I couldn’t find the north pole chart. Shem’s
astronomy came in to good advantage. He suggested heading for the north
star. I just knew his education would come in handy some day.—Tonight
we are sailing northward and I wish we were there. This worry is liable
to drive me to an asylum.—Postponed my bath.
[Illustration]
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
No time for services.—That ice machine still stays out of commission.
Ham blames me. It seems the rule book was thrown overboard the night
of the storm.—Shem tried to fix the machine this afternoon. He had
several good repair theories, but it won’t make ice.—Mrs. Noah
complains of two sore wrists. Mrs. Ham declares she never did like
polar bears. I think she would like to see the seals die, and then
she would ask for their skins.—We are going like the wind. Ordered a
forced draught for the engines.—Passed lots of stars. At this rate we
ought to get to the pole in a hurry.—Cooler.
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
No washing today. The ladies had to stay in the bear pits.—Gave the
seals an extra fish to keep them quiet.—Ham nearly drives me mad.
He has taken the machine apart scores of times, and puts it together
different every time.—Weather much cooler.—Mrs. Noah took our furs
out of the moth-ball chest.—Tonight we saw the aurora borealis. To me
it looked like a kaleidoscope.—The old Ark is certainly flying. We’ll
be at the pole before you can say Jack Robinson.
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
Cold! The thermometer was frozen when I got up this morning.—We are
in the ice fields, and getting near the pole. The bears are relieved.
Don’t have to fan them any more. The seals are again contented.—Mrs.
Ham said she wished she had never seen the Ark. I wish she had her
wish. She is as much bother as an old maid. And I’m glad there weren’t
any good old maids to transport.—We are all wearing our furs.—Thank
goodness, I can sleep tonight and not worry about those bears.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Ice cold! My beard was frozen today.—At noon we passed over the pole.
Thought I would see something, but I was disappointed. Nothing there
but ice and water. I wonder who will say they discovered the place? At
last, Ham repaired the ice machine. I overheard him telling his wife
he had forgotten to turn on some valve. I am going to discharge him
as soon as we get on land.—Those bears actually smiled today. They
seem to enjoy the attention they have been paid of late.—Too cold to
promenade the deck or stand on the bridge, so I gave the officers a
night off.
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
What the Medes and Persians say about trouble coming in bunches is
true. Now, the heating apparatus won’t work. Nothing like that ever
happened when we were down south. At 2.20 the hippo began shivering.
At 2.30 the metriorhynchus superciliosus began shaking. At 3.00 the
elephants shivered. At 4.00 the bothriospondylus madagascariensis began
shaking. At 4.15 the Ark shook.—We drove the birds to the boiler room,
and put the butterflies into the thermo bottle.—Surely poor Job won’t
have more troubles than poor me.
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
No time for remarks. Busy hot-water bottling the tropical animals.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
The Noah family slept in the boiler room last night. I do love the
fire this weather.—The Ark looks like an iceberg.—We’re going
downhill just as fast as those old engines will take us. Passed over
Spitzbergen this afternoon.—I can’t get down south too soon to please
me. I’m going to cruise around the Tropic of Cancer until I get thawed
out.—The women folks are dead tired. It does them good to work once
in a while. This is the first time they have done anything to pay for
their passage, and they shouldn’t complain. If that fool python would
only coil up, he wouldn’t take half so many hot-water bags.—Can’t
spare the hot-water for my bath.
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
Ham burst into my cabin early this morning and said he had repaired
the heat. Ordered the hot-water-bottle brigade to stop.—I want to
sleep in peace tonight.—Services this A.M. Everybody went
to sleep.—Reached our regular course this afternoon.—I’m thankful
for lots of things today.—I’m thankful we are back here in the warm
weather, that I wasn’t left ashore, that the Ark doesn’t leak, and that
I haven’t had a mutiny.—Now, I’m going to bed. Put the alarm-sundial
in the trunk.
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
This warm weather is fine.—We had more excitement on board today. The
foxes broke out of their cages. We held a hurried council of war. I
was elected M. F. H. Shem and I put up the hurdles along the promenade
deck, and then I took the hounds out of their kennels. Mrs. Noah and
I rode the horses, while the others came along on whatever they could
find. My wife complained because she did not bring her riding habit. To
quiet her I let her wear my top hat.
We had a pleasant ride before the dogs took up the scent. Then the
chase began. The barking of the dogs was deafening. We finally saw
the foxes jumping over the hatches and rainwater barrels. Had a hard
time keeping up with the hounds, and I think we would have done better
if Yorick had kept out of the way. At last, we treed them in an air
funnel. Shem went below and smoked them out, and then we chased them
back to their dens. I was sorry I couldn’t get the tails for the
ladies. We all had a fine breakfast in the saloon after the hunt.
[Illustration: “_Then the Chase began_”]
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
Stiff today. Guess I had too much exercise yesterday. I’m not as young
a man as I was a few centuries ago.—The goose laid an egg. It wasn’t
gold. I must have brought the wrong goose.—Tonight we held a parlour
entertainment in the _salon_. Ham did some tricks. I never knew he was
clever before. He took a rabbit, a gold-fish bowl, a pair of pigeons,
two white rats, and a guinea pig out of my top hat. It was most
extraordinary. I don’t see why I brought all the animals along if Ham
can bring them out of a hat like that.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Had a narrow escape today. While I was dusting the cow stable the cow’s
husband went for me. I didn’t do anything to make him angry. I was
only standing there wiping the perspiration from my forehead with my
bandanna. I didn’t study running for nothing when I went to school. He
chased me around the boat eleven times before I discovered it was my
bandanna that offended him. Wonder if that fool bull thinks I’m going
to carry my white Sunday handkerchief on working days?
[Illustration]
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
Began taking soundings today—15 cubits of water.—We are just sailing
along in our own sweet way.—Escorted the ladies through the steerage
this afternoon.—Judging from the manner the dogs are scratching there
must be some baby fleas aboard. Won ship’s pool.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY. SOUNDING—14-9/10 cubits.
REMARKS:
One of the sponges was quite ill during the night. I soaked him in some
castor oil.—This morning I took a piece of parchment. On it I wrote my
name and address and a note asking the fellow who finds it to drop me a
line. Put it in a bottle and threw it overboard.—Fourteen more kittens
today.—Took my bath.
[Illustration]
SUNDAY. SOUNDING—same.
REMARKS: