Transcriber’s Notes:
Underscores “_” before and after a word or phrase indicate _italics_
in the original text.
Small capitals have been converted to SOLID capitals.
Typographical errors have been silently corrected.
THE LOG OF THE ARK
[Illustration]
[Illustration: “_A large crowd came down to see us off_.”]
[Illustration:
THE LOG OF THE ARK
BY NOAH
HIEROGLYPHICS BY HAM
EXCAVATED BY I. L. GORDON and A. J. FRUEH
E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY.
681-FIFTH AVENUE NEW YORK]
COPYRIGHT
BY
E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY
1915
[Illustration]
_The Knickerbocker Press_
_New York_
[Illustration]
WHO’S WHO ON THE ARK
CAPTAIN _Myself_
FIRST OFFICER _Shem_
SECOND OFFICER _Ham_
THIRD OFFICER _Japheth_
PURSER _Myself_
WIRELESS OPERATOR _Shem_
CHIEF ENGINEER _Ham_
CHIEF STEWARD _Japheth_
VETERINARIAN _Myself_
CHIEF COOK _Mrs. Noah_
BOTTLE WASHER _Mrs. Shem_
STEWARDESS _Mrs. Ham_
LAUNDRESS _Mrs. Japheth_
STOKERS _Automatic_
CARGO _Live Stock_
[Illustration]
THE LOG OF THE ARK
WEDNESDAY, B.C. 2349. COURSE—to Ararat.
WEATHER—clear and rain. WIND—starting to blow.
SEA—calm. SHIP’S RUN—1 league.
REMARKS:
Weighed anchor: 2240 pounds.—My rheumatism hurt. I just knew it would
rain.—A large crowd came down to see us off. Received delegation of S.
P. C. A. They presented me with a gold-handled umbrella.—Someone sent
the women folks a bunch of American beauties.—Many of my neighbours
say I am crazy.—It began to rain—crowd dispersed.—There is a lot
of hubbub in getting an Ark off.—Half an hour late in starting. Ham
doesn’t understand some of the levers.—Ship’s band played the national
anthems as we sailed away.—Sent sailing lists to all my friends. Gave
them to the pilot to mail.—Dropped pilot at 7.30 P.M. I was
sorry to see him go.—Cargo all well and quiet.—I wonder if I will be
seasick?
THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—higher. SEA—still calm. SHIP’S RUN—2.
REMARKS:
Rained all last night and today. I didn’t sleep well. Mrs. Noah insists
upon having the lower berth. I had to climb up top. If I fall and break
my neck it will be serious.—Spent morning in smoking-room reading
steamer letters. Several magazines offer half a shekel a word for my
story. Some vaudeville manager wants me to go on the stage if I get
away with the trip. The University of Bagdad ask me to will them my
brains.—Mrs. Japheth forgot one of her steamer trunks, and wants us
to go back.—Ham says he thinks he knows which levers will stop the
Ark.—All well on board.
FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—same as yesterday. SEA—very calm. SHIP’S
RUN—1½. WIRELESS REPORT; Mountain resorts doing good
business. Hotels all crowded.
REMARKS:
We ran aground this morning. Mrs. Noah and the girls were badly
frightened. I signalled for a tug which pulled us off. The captain
wanted to know about the salvage. I told him to see the owners or the
insurance company. Doubt if he ever will be paid.—I can’t sleep very
well. The bunk is too narrow. I don’t like steamer bunks any more than
I do a Pullman.—Mrs. Noah complains of the motion of the ship. I
haven’t felt it, but the throbbing of the engines is annoying.—Didn’t
eat much today.—Cargo still quiet. I’m a little worried about the two
caterpillars. What if they are not mates?
SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—shifted. SEA—same as yesterday. SHIP’S
RUN—2. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Antioch.
REMARKS:
The rooster woke me up this morning.—Oldest inhabitants can’t remember
when it has rained so hard.—There’s not much fun standing on the
bridge for four hours at a time. I thought all the captain of an Ark
had to do was talk to the ladies. There’s some responsibility connected
with a vessel of this size, and such a mixed cargo. It might have a
serious effect on posterity should we be wrecked.—All indications
point to unusually high water. We passed several mountains today.
Mountains do look strange without their valleys.—I’m learning to
read the charts.—Japheth complains that the triceratops prorus, the
iguanodon bernissartensis, and the dinosaurs are not eating. We’re
always having trouble with those what-you-may-call-its.—Mrs. Noah says
the Ark is beginning to smell like a barn. I can’t help that.—Took my
bath.
[Illustration: “_Can’t remember when it has rained so hard_”]
SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—higher. SEA—higher. SHIP’S RUN—1.
WIRELESS REPORT—Ephesus C. Q. D.’d. So did Tyre.
REMARKS:
I never saw such a rain. It simply poured all day.—No ministers
aboard so I had to conduct the services in the saloon this morning.
Took as my text—Genesis 7:7. Mrs. Shem played the harpsichord. No
collection.—Sea just a little rougher this afternoon.—Have had a time
keeping Ham in the engine room. He’s lazy. He would rather fish than
work. Ham’s wife always sides with him. I’m afraid I’ll have trouble
with her.—Hope we don’t run into any of those waterspouts I’ve read
about.—Cargo still quiet. Hope none of those submarines attack us.
MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—N. E. SEA—a bit choppy. SHIP’S
RUN—½. WIRELESS REPORT—S. O. S. Chaldea.
REMARKS:
Women folks kicked to beat the band. It was too wet to hang out the
wash. I told them to bring enough lingerie to last forty days. I
always thought women’s clothes were too complicated anyway.—Made an
inspection of the staterooms. Everything O. K. and sanitary. Some of
the animals are a little crowded, but I can’t help that when each
mammoth takes two staterooms.—The Shetland ponies need exercise, but
it keeps on raining.—Mrs. Noah is still complaining. She can’t stand
the motion of the ship, and now she says the thought of the French
poodles being bunked with the rhino is horrible.—Real estate getting
scarce.—Had the auto tires thrown overboard. I couldn’t see any use
for them.
TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—same. SEA—choppier. SHIP’S RUN—same.
WIRELESS REPORT—Record high water in Babylon. Stores flooded.
Boats in streets.
REMARKS:
That bunk of mine is made of concrete.—I’m a little shaky today.
Appetite all gone. Meals don’t taste good. Felt better on deck. I’ve
never been seasick in my life. I wonder if this is it?—I’ll be all
right tomorrow.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—stronger. SEA—pretty rough. SHIP’S
RUN—¼. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Bagdad.
REMARKS:
Rain and a little rougher. Never had such strange sensations. I excused
myself from the dinner table. I don’t think it’s the motion of the
boat, but the smell of the cooking and the vibration. I like to keep
perfectly quiet in my steamer chair and have plenty of air.—Mrs.
Japheth brought me a sardine sandwich this afternoon. That was
sinful.—Only stuck my head in the dining-room door at supper time. I’d
like to be on dry land just now. Mrs. Noah is a nuisance. She wants to
know what she can do for me. Why can’t people let me alone in these
critical times? Wonder if I am seasick?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.
THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—stronger. SEA—nauseating. SHIP’S
RUN—¼. WIRELESS REPORT—Work stopped on tower of Babel.
REMARKS:
Rougher and more rain.—Tried to get up this morning but gave it up.
Every time the Ark pitches I feel so uncomfortable. Nothing I eat stays
et. Mrs. Noah and the girls brought hot lemonade and gruel into my
cabin. It only takes the thought of such things to make my sensations
worse. I don’t see why they had to fry onions today.—The second
officer came in tonight and said it was my watch. I told him the Ark
could get along without my watch. He said we might founder if the
bridge was empty. I told him I didn’t care if we did.—Mrs. Ham says
there is no such a thing as seasickness. She claims it’s a state of
mind. Why can’t people let me alone?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.
FRIDAY. COURSE— WEATHER— WIND—
SEA— SHIP’S RUN— WIRELESS REPORT—
REMARKS:
————!
[Illustration]
SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—abating. SEA—steadier. SHIP’S RUN—I
forgot to look. WIRELESS REPORT—S. O. S. Troy.
REMARKS:
Am writing this in bed. Guess it rained yesterday. Oh! it was awful! I
must have been seasick. How I wanted the old ship to sink! My system
never went back on me like that—Oh! it was frightful—horrible! I felt
as though I were going down in one of those new-fangled elevators. And
then, these people kept bothering me. I wanted to die alone. I told
the family where they could find the will.—Japheth said I should eat
some finnan haddy. That was a deliberate attempt on my life. Mrs. Shem
made me suck a lemon, and take a bottle of sure-cure seasick medicine.
I nearly died after that. Mrs. Noah kept stroking my head, and asking
what I wanted to eat. Ham brought me a bottle of cod liver oil. I
wanted to smite him, but I had not the strength. The only comfort I
had was Shem. I heard him say, “Why don’t you people get out, and
let the old man alone?” That was so kind.—I hope I’ll be all right
tomorrow.—Postponed my bath.
SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—same. SEA—calmer. SHIP’S RUN—same as
yesterday. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Phœnicia.
REMARKS:
Still raining. Postponed church until next Sunday.—I went up on deck
for awhile. Still feel a little wabbly. The officers accused me of
being seasick. I was not. Something I ate didn’t agree with me.—I miss
the Sunday newspapers.—The male elephant was down with a bad tuskache
this afternoon. Tried to pull it but I was too weak.
[Illustration]
MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—no wind. SEA—all right again. SHIP’S
RUN—3. WIRELESS REPORT—Peach and potato crops ruined.
REMARKS:
Rained harder than usual.—The elephant’s tusk was much better this
morning.—There’s a funny piece of mechanism on the bridge. It has
N. S. E. W. printed on it. Shem and Ham say it’s a game. They spin a
needle and guess where it will stop. Shem always puts his money on the
letter N and wins. They wouldn’t let me play the N. I believe Shem is a
capper.—This weather looks like a real flood.—I feel a little better
today.
TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—none. SEA—none. SHIP’S RUN—3.
WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Mesopotamia.
REMARKS:
Mrs. Noah is again complaining. She says the weather takes the waves
out of her marcels. I suppose on the forty-first day she will find
fault with the sunshine.—The camels took a drink four days ago, and
haven’t touched a drop since.—Shem and Ham let me play the N today. I
lost two more shekels. I think that machine is possessed.—According to
the almanac we should be having fine weather.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—moderate. SEA—reposed. SHIP’S
RUN—4¼. WIRELESS REPORT—none today.
REMARKS:
Mrs. Noah is becoming attached to the diplodocus carnegiei. The two
are together a great deal.—I played that machine again today. Lost!
Just before I quit, I saw Shem hold a horseshoe where he wanted the
needle to stop. When I caught him, he said it was only for good luck.
I see through that game now. I’ll catch them tomorrow.—I’m all the
time forgetting on which side of the ship the red lights belong. I
can’t see the use of making my Ark look like a drug store.—WEATHER
FORECAST—continued rain.
THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—south. SEA—same as usual.
RAINFALL—six inches. SHIP’S RUN—2.
REMARKS:
This morning I took a shoe off the mare. Put ten shekels on the
letter W. Held my good-luck shoe at the letter. Shem held his at E.
Shem won. I’m not going to play that game any more.—Guess the camels
must be sick. They will not drink.—Don’t see land anywhere. The
thousand-leggers haven’t their sea legs as yet.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: “_I’m not going to play that game any more_”]
FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—steady. SEA—same as yesterday. SHIP’S
RUN—1. WIRELESS REPORT—none.
REMARKS:
The weather still has it in for us.—I found Shem’s good-luck
horseshoe. It’s a magnet. The scoundrel!—Spent the morning reading up
on animals. Wish I knew as much about them as Mr. Æsop.—Japheth says
the peanut-eating varieties have consumed 477,392 nuts.—Nearly had a
sad disaster today.—One of the bullfrogs jumped overboard. We lowered
the lifeboat, and rescued him after a chase.—The water spaniels seem
to enjoy this weather.—The women folks have organized some kind of an
“anti” society.—The food on board is extraordinary. The salt air seems
to have benefited my appetite. Still, Mrs. Noah never could cook like
mother.
SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—straight ahead. RAINFALL—5½ inches. SHIP’S
RUN—4. SEA—much deeper.
REMARKS:
Did not sleep well last night. The rain on the roof keeps me
awake.—Mrs. Noah went about the Ark pinning up “No smoking”
signs.—All at sea about our course. If the world is round we are all
right. If it’s flat we may topple off the edge. We ancients are greatly
handicapped. Wish Columbus had lived before my time. Japheth and I
spent the whole morning trying to figure where we are. His calculations
make us sailing south of the Dead Sea. Mine show we are over Sheba. I’m
right because I’m the captain.—The camels still won’t drink.—Had to
scold Ham for trying to steal the fish-worms. I’ll bet he wanted to go
fishing tomorrow.—Took my bath.
[Illustration: “_Spent the morning reading up on animals_”]
SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—cool. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—2.
REMARKS:
No services. Shem ran into my cabin this morning. He was greatly
excited. He said the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the
metriorhynchus superciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium had
climbed out of their stalls, and were fighting with the macanchenia
patagonica and the testudo periniana. I went downstairs and found
that the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the metriorhynchus
superciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium were not fighting with
the macanchenia patagonica and the testudo periniana, but with the
sceliditherium leptocephalum and the pachydiscus peramphus. The noise
of the battle awoke the machairodus negæus, the horplophorus ornatus,
and the pareiasaurus serridens. They began to purr. It was a good thing
for me I was not stepped on while stopping the fight. Gol darn the
fellow who gave animals such names.
[Illustration: “_It’s a good thing for me I wasn’t stepped on while
stopping the fight_”]
MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—dry. SEA—smooth. SHIP’S RUN—2.
REMARKS:
Twenty days out. Rain half over.—Camels took a drink today. First time
since the tenth. I’d hate to be a camel.—I won the pool on the ship’s
run.—We have to watch the flies all the time to keep them away from
the fly-paper.—Shem complains that the lions eat too much meat. Meat
is expensive these days. I’m going to try feeding them hay.—Shot craps
awhile this afternoon with Japh.—We are using the sun-dials again.
During the night the ostrich broke into the chart room and swallowed my
Ingersoll chronometer.—It takes 24 life preservers to go around the
elephant.
[Illustration]
TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—up a bit. SEA—starting to blow. SHIP’S
RUN—½.
REMARKS:
I am sure this is a record rain. Read all the weather reports, but
can’t find any to beat it.—Wish I had spent more time in zoos when
I was ashore. There are some details about animals which I do not
know. Today I wanted to find out why the canaries always attack the
cuttlefish.—The girls spent the afternoon playing bridge. War in camp
now.—Mrs. Noah has named her diplodocus carnegiei “Yorick.” It makes
me laugh to see them promenading the deck together.—The mice broke out
today.
WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—worse. SEA—worse. SHIP’S RUN—¼.
REMARKS:
The typhoid fever germs are looking thin. I don’t know who to feed them
on. Sometimes I think it would be a good idea to throw them overboard,
but I’m too tender-hearted.—My raincoat leaks. Caught a bad cold. Mrs.
Noah made a mustard foot-bath for me tonight. Drank two goblets of
sassafras tea. Mrs. Ham tried to give me some patent medicine. No sir,
I’ll stick to the old-fashioned remedies every time. The Ark is a bad
place for a rheumatic.—Caught Ham making hieroglyphics of me today.
[Illustration: “_Never saw such rain_”]
THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—terrible. SEA—wild. SHIP’S RUN—minus
19.
REMARKS:
I stood on the bridge eighteen hours during a storm. Never saw such
waves. Some were as high as the Tower of Babel is going to be. A few
broke into the funnels. Ham was flooded out of the engine room. We
used racks on the table, and had trouble with the soup. The hippo
rolled over one of the mice and nearly squashed it. The animals got all
mixed up. The lightning turned the condensed milk sour. Mrs. Shem says
she will be able to make cheese out of it. Had to throw the library
overboard to save the ship. I saved the almanac, Æsop’s animal book,
the dictionary, and the Everyman’s Encyclopedia. The sea is quieting
now. I’m dead tired. Now to bed.—I wonder where mother-in-law is
tonight?
[Illustration: “_Had to throw the library overboard to save the ship_”]
FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—less. SEA—less. SHIP’S RUN—1.
REMARKS:
While making an inspection of the fowls of the air, I heard someone
talking. Thought it was a stowaway until I found two Irish-green birds
with Hebraic beaks and the voice of a man. They are the most wonderful
birds I ever saw. One of them hollered “hello,” and the other says
something about a cracker. I’m going to make friends with them. Took
them to my stateroom. They eat sunflower seed and climb with their
faces.
SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—from astern. SEA—quiet. SHIP’S
RUN—resumed normal speed.
REMARKS:
I must be careful what I say before those green birds. While hunting
for a collar-button I bumped my head. When Mrs. Noah came into the room
they repeated what I said.—I wish it would stop raining so I could
paint the ship.—Yorick keeps pawing at the stateroom door during the
night. He is worse than a wolf. I don’t dare say anything.—Bath.
SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—shifty. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—3.
REMARKS:
Not a sign of a let-up in the rain.—Services this A.M.—One
of those impudent birds called me “whiskers” today. I hung them down
in the engine room for punishment. Mrs. Noah said it was cruel to
leave them in that smoky place. Tonight she brought them back to the
stateroom. Their language was shocking. They had learned a lot of
new words.—I like Sundays. We always have ice-cream for dinner.—I
caught Ham fishing today. Put the fish-worms in the safe. I don’t trust
him.—Shem says the lookout barrel is too tight for him.
[Illustration]
MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—moist. SEA—cheerless. SHIP’S RUN—2.
REMARKS:
Another wash-day ruined.—We can’t stand those birds any more. I think
Ham must have taught them that strange language. I locked them up in
the booby hatch so they won’t contaminate the other birds.—Came into
the cabin with muddy feet today. Mrs. Noah gave it to me. I don’t see
why I can’t do as I please on my own Ark.—Had my hair cut. These ship
barbers are miserable and their prices are exorbitant.—Won pool on
ship’s run. The women keep asking me when the rain will stop. They want
to use their kodaks.
TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—abating. SEA—squally. SHIP’S RUN—1.
REMARKS:
I am awakened every morning by the crew scrubbing. It sounds as though
they bring the trunks out of the hold and shuffle them around the
decks.—We had quite a hunt this afternoon. Some of the ant-eaters’
food escaped. Mrs. Japheth finally found them in the preserves.—The
rhino had a bad accident last night. He tripped while walking
downstairs. Several square feet of hide was torn off. We riveted on a
piece of boiler plate.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—high. SEA—disturbed. SHIP’S RUN—½.
REMARKS:
Greatly disappointed at breakfast. My day for the egg, but the hen
didn’t lay one.—The male whale has a bad attack of eczema. I must be
careful of that fish. I have to save him for Jonah.—My steamer rug is
almost worn out.—Ouch! I just killed a mosquito. I don’t mind their
singing, but I can’t get used to their bites.—One of my back teeth
began to ache.
THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.
REMARKS:
An all-day rain.—I can’t get along with Mrs. Ham. About all she can
do is sit around and try to look pretty. She can’t even do that very
well. Her family thought Ham married her for her money. Some women
are so useless. Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth are so different. They are
sympathetic and love the cargo. They seem to realize I have done quite
a favour in bringing them along. It does my heart good to see Mrs. Shem
pet those pigs. She would make a dandy snake-charmer. That Ham woman
only plays with the French poodle and the pomeranian. Today she refused
to feed the mosquitoes. She said they make lumps on her arms.
FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—hot. SEA—peaceful. SHIP’S RUN—3.
REMARKS:
Set the sun-dial ahead half an hour. Have to do that every day to keep
up with the run of the ship.—The giraffe has a cold in his throat.
Mrs. Noah took all my red flannels and forty pounds of bacon to make
a bandage.—I get all muddled up when I try to figure where we are.
The first officer thinks we are off the coast of Egypt. That’s where
they are going to build the pyramids. I guess we are sailing along the
African coast. Keeping a sharp lookout for pirates.—The women folks
are always asking me when it will stop raining. They say nobody will
believe they have been away unless they are sunburned.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—tempered. SEA—none. SHIP’S RUN—none.
Stopped for repairs.
REMARKS:
Rained pitchforks all day.—Put an extra officer on deck to watch for
pirates. The high seas are dangerous in these prehistoric days.—Ham
won’t let his wife tend the whales. He says her clothes smell fishy.
I’ll never go through another flood so short-handed.—Shem tells me I
ought to put the latitude and longitude in the log. I didn’t like to
show my ignorance so I said I would, but I won’t.—This damp weather
has a depressing effect on the officers and the family. It also is
making the canary seed sprout, and putting mould on the hay.—Guess all
the mines are flooded by this time. I had stock in several—guaranteed
to pay 200 per cent. Hope they are waterproof. Wish it were the
fortieth.—Bath.
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
Services this A.M. We are saving the collection until we get
ashore.—I’m 600 years old today. I’ll be grey soon. The family got
tired pounding me. Tonight the officers and their wives gave me a
surprise party. Mrs. Shem baked a cake, but you couldn’t see it for
candles. Mrs. Japheth gave me some records for the talking machine.
Shem gave me a red tie. Ham gave me—no, he didn’t give me anything. He
wished me many happy returns of the day. His wife presented me with a
pair of dancing sandals. Japheth donated a bottle of hair tonic. Mrs.
Noah knitted me some socks and a nightcap.
I’m getting along in years, but, still, grandpa was something like 1000
before they made a mummy out of him. I want to get away with this trip.
It will be a good thing for my reputation. Perhaps it will make me
famous. I want my posterity to have a fine opinion of me. It’s a good
thing for them I was born. I’d like to live a few hundred years more to
see some of my descendants, but it isn’t a good thing to have too much
to do with one’s relations. I wonder where I’ll be when I am 700? Mrs.
Noah did not abuse me once today.—No pirates yet.
[Illustration]
MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—variable. SEA—full of seaweed. SHIP’S
RUN—2.
REMARKS:
The welsh rarebit we had at my party last night kept me awake.—I
wonder what that latitude and longitude is? I ought to have taken
a course in navigation before I undertook this trip.—We are using
the flint and steel again. The matches are too damp.—Mrs. Ham
complains about the butter. She says it is rancid. She can’t expect a
Ritz-Carlton aboard. It was guaranteed for a year. If I ever find the
manufacturer I’ll make him live up to his agreement.—My umbrella needs
re-covering. This weather is certainly monotonous.—No pirates yet.
TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—invariable. SEA—middling. SHIP’S
RUN—2.
REMARKS:
I was nearly scared to death last night. The dogs awakened me. The
Irish setters barked with a pronounced brogue. At first I thought
someone was breaking into the chicken coop—then I thought of the
pirates! Put on my nightcap, took a candle, and went below. Someone
hollered, “Who?” I said, “I’m Noah, and who are you or I’ll fire?” I
was scared stiff. No answer. I couldn’t find anybody except the two
birds that sleep all day. They kept winking and blinking at me. Didn’t
find any pirates, but I went back to bed and dreamed about them. Ham
says that’s what I get for reading ten shekel novels.
[Illustration: “_I went back to bed and dreamed about pirates_”]
WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—puffy. SEA—dismal. SHIP’S RUN—3.
REMARKS:
Seven kittens came aboard during the night. I don’t know what on
earth to do with them. Ham wants to feed them to the iguanodon
bernissartensis. I think they ought to go into the rainwater barrel.
Mrs. Noah and the girls say they will never speak to me if I drown
them.—I’m resting easier. We’re out of the pirate belt.—Our charts
are worthless now. The water is too deep for them.—Threw a keg of
butter overboard this afternoon.
[Illustration]
THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—blowy. SEA—swelly. SHIP’S RUN—¾.
REMARKS:
Ha! ha! Ham sat on the porcupine.—Poor Shem was stung while feeding
the bees. They ought to be muzzled.—Have decided to let those kittens
live. I detest a family quarrel.—We moved the pigs’ sty to the extreme
stern.—Passed over Damascus at 4.32. Mrs. Ham told us all about her
visits to the place with her parents.—It was a fine old town. That
reminds me—a fellow there owed me seven and a half camels.
FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—foggy.
SEA—foggy. SHIP’S RUN—foggy.
REMARKS:
Rain and fog. There ought to be a law compelling shipowners to muffle
their fog-horns. Mine kept me awake all last night.—The dinosaur eats
a ton of hay at a meal. If that keeps up we’ll have to put into some
port for more provisions.—Mrs. Noah visited the bowels of the ship
today. She came up crying. She said the hyenas laughed at her. They
are braver than Mr. Noah.—Mrs. Shem is teaching the goats to eat the
soup tins. That will save a little hay. Ah! that woman is fine and
economical.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—less. SEA—less. SHIP’S RUN—1.
REMARKS:
Barometer going up. My rheumatism is much better. The clouds seem
to be breaking. I believe it will clear. I’m so used to this rain I
almost hate to see it stop.—One night more and we’ll be able to sit on
deck.—I had everybody guessing at the supper table. I asked them where
Moses is going to be when the light goes out. The officers and their
wives are trying to guess.—I made a muffler for the fog-horn today.
Now, let it fog.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain.
WIND—dying. SEA—calm. SHIP’S RUN—3.
REMARKS:
Fortieth day out. Rain almost over.—Services this A.M. Ham
went to sleep during the sermon.—This afternoon I sat around talking
to the girls. They love to hear me tell how I captured the animals.
Today I told them about lassoing the Wild West buffaloes.—Had to get
the trunks out of the hold. Mrs. Noah wanted her parasol.—Everybody
more cheerful.—Had the harpactocaicinus punctulatus out for an airing.
Something must be wrong with them. They only walked sideways. Looked
them up in the encyclopedia and found they were nothing but common
crabs.—Nobody has guessed my riddle.—Mrs. Noah quit kicking about her
corns. Now, I know it will stop raining.—Well, the old Dreadnought
weathered the rain all right.
MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—fine.
WIND—stopped. SEA—blue. SHIP’S RUN—5.
REMARKS:
Punctually at one second after eight bells—midnight—the rain
ceased.—The day dawned bright and clear.—Deck was covered with wash
all morning. My, but the sun felt good!—Curried the rust off the two
donkey engines.—The ladies began using their kodaks this afternoon.
I had to pose for my picture.—After supper we all promenaded the
promenade deck. It was clear tonight so we used the searchlight. Much
interesting débris about. It is dangerous to navigation.—Everything
smells so nice after the shower.—Shem says he can’t quite tell where
we are by the stars, but he thinks we are south of the dipper.—Started
painting the ship.—Nobody has guessed my riddle.
[Illustration]
TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear.
WIND—balmy. SEA—fine. SHIP’S RUN—5.
REMARKS:
The ladies spent the morning ironing.—I rigged up the deck
shuffleboard and practised. The list of the ship makes the game
interesting.—I find my umbrella comes in handy to keep off the
sun.—The girls are now afraid they will be tanned.—Sat in steamer
chair most of the afternoon. Tonight, Shem, Ham, Japheth, and their
wives are sitting on deck and singing old songs. I won’t be able to
get asleep. I wonder if they think this is a Cook’s tour?—Had to tell
the answer to my joke. I thought Shem would die laughing. The dear boy
does enjoy humour.—We are trying to see who can walk around the deck
the greatest number of times.—My nose is beginning to peel.—My, this
weather is glorious!
WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear.
WIND—same. SEA—delightful. SHIP’S RUN—5.
REMARKS:
Still painting ship. Mrs. Ham caught her dress in it. Poor Ham got
an awful lecture. She complained to the captain, but I beat it to
the bridge. Some women are so funny.—The moon came up tonight. All
the young married people are out on deck spooning. It’s a peculiar
thing how the moon and steamers affect some people. I can hear
Mrs. Noah snoring now. A few hundred years ago we also used to be
sentimental.—Put up the awnings today.—Walked around the deck 24
times after supper.—Wish there were some nice old school teachers
aboard.
[Illustration]
THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear.
WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.
REMARKS:
The crew continue scrubbing the decks. They did it in the rainy
weather, and now it’s just the same. This ship etiquette is a
nuisance.—I’m up in the air about my two tadpoles. I don’t know
what has become of them. Found two frogs in their cage. I don’t know
where they came from either. Perhaps they ate my two pollywogs. Now I
have four frogs and no tadpoles.—We have thrown overboard 1,119,111
microbes to date. I only need two of each kind.—I’m getting prouder of
my animals every day. I have the finest collection in captivity.—The
back of my neck is blistered.—Had a bad scare today. Saw what we
thought was a periscope but found it was only one of Mrs. Noah’s ear
trumpets which had fallen overboard.
FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear.
WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.
REMARKS:
We tried to give the ichthyosaurus quadriscessus an airing. She made
the ship list so badly we had to drive her back to the steerage.—Guess
the second officer fell asleep on the bridge. He did not call me for
my watch.—The ladies always want to come up on the bridge when I
am there. I had to take them through the Ark today. Mrs. Ham made
some sarcastic remarks. She said she had frequently crossed on
more luxurious vessels. That may be, but she never had a trip like
this. These women are a perfect nuisance, but a captain has to be
polite.—Walked around deck 16 times.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same.
WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.
REMARKS:
Today we sprinkled a barrel of eau de cologne in the steerage and
second cabin.—Posed again for my picture. Mrs. Shem promises to send
me one if it is good.—Had the ladies in my cabin for tea. They asked
many questions about my experiences at sea. I told them a few old
yarns. Gave them all my autograph.—If those potato-bugs don’t soon
lose their appetites we will run out of spuds.—Walked around deck 10
times.—Bath.
[Illustration]
SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same.
WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.
REMARKS:
Services. I have a hard time getting the men to church this clear
weather.—Put on my Sunday clothes today. It’s a nuisance to dress
in these little staterooms. Every time I change my robes I have to
pull the trunk from under the bunk, and then the things I want are
usually in the trunks in the hold.—These women ask me so many foolish
questions. I have to explain the machinery, the charts, and tell
them how I run the Ark. They pester the life out of me with “What is
this?” and “What is that for?” If they bother me tomorrow I’m going to
hide.—Walked around the deck eight times.—We have prunes every Sunday
night for supper.
WASHDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same.
WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.
REMARKS:
Women folks down below washing. I was awfully lonely all day.—Now that
the wireless is out of commission the ladies are using the wires for a
clothes line.—Ham says the moles are burrowing in the coal.—The goats
nearly ate the fish-worms’ pan.—The two mules with the tiger’s skin
are overeating.—Still painting the Ark.—The laundry on this ship is
miserable. My collars are like saws.—I’m getting corns on my hands
from steering.—Walked around deck five times.
[Illustration]
TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same.
WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.
REMARKS:
One of the bulldogs buried his bone in the coal. He wouldn’t let Ham go
near the bunkers. If I hadn’t gone down cellar and chased him back to
his kennel the Ark would have stopped. Ham is a big coward to be afraid
of a little bulldog.—Was shocked this afternoon. Found the women folks
in the smoke room holding a suffrage powwow. These women will want to
run everything some day. I can remember the time when they knew where
they belonged. I haven’t any use for these modern notions.
I’m tired writing all this dope about the course, weather, etc. I’m
going to quit it even if I lose my job. Besides, I’m running out of
stone and my chisels are getting dull.
WEDNESDAY. COURSE—I forgot, I’m not going to write that any
more.
REMARKS:
Spent the morning writing letters.—Shem called my attention to the
fact that I call the right hand side of the Ark the right side, and the
left hand side the left side. He says I should say “port” for the port
side, and “starboard” for the starboard side—or something like that.
He seems to forget this is my first flood and I’m liable to make a few
mistakes.—Ham dressed up the girl monkey, and took out the hand-organ.
He thought I would give him some shekels, but he was mistaken.
[Illustration]
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
Wish the hen would lay more than one egg a day. We take turns eating it
for breakfast. Eight days is a long time to wait. I’m going to suggest
omelets.—Shem propounded a good one tonight. He asked why a hen
crosses the boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt.—Mrs. Shem took my
picture again today.—Four of the seven kittens each found seven more
kittens.—Moved the bookworms from the hold to Mrs. Noah’s cook book.
They ought to find something they like in it.—The ravens make a lot of
noise at night. I would choke them, only I need one later.—Mrs. Noah
brings Yorick into the dining-room at meal time. I never did like to
see people feed pets at the table.—One of the fleas is lost.
[Illustration]
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
We had our dance tonight. It was a glorious success. I’m all out of
breath, and dead tired now. I danced through my birthday dancing
sandals. We decorated the deck with flags and Japanese lanterns, and
sprinkled candle grease on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and
Mrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven dances with Mrs. Shem,
and only stepped on her feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough
dancer. He bumped my partner.—Mrs. Noah wore a new gown. I did not
think it was becoming because it was cut too _décolleté_. I don’t see
why these old women like to look so young.
Mr. and Mrs. Japheth did one of those new dances. I forget what they
call it—something about a turkey. Rather unedifying I thought. If
there had been any ministers around, I bet they would have passed
resolutions.—We danced the minuet seventy times, and the Sir Roger de
Coverley twenty. I was mixed up once in awhile because I hadn’t danced
some of those dances for over 300 years.—We didn’t have any Egyptian
dances.
[Illustration: “_We had our dance tonight_”]
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
Had our only real catastrophe today. I’m broken hearted. I’m weeping
now. I took the two unicorns out on deck for exercise. They insisted
on climbing along the gunwale. They liked nothing better. I was afraid
they would fall overboard. They did. It took Ham a long time to stop
the Ark. He forgot which levers to pull. When we got back to the place
where the unicorns fell overboard there was nothing to be seen but
bubbles. The poor dears couldn’t swim. It was the saddest moment in my
life. Shem says it may all be for the best because they were only good
for designs on escutcheons and coats of arms. I take great comfort in
his words, but I am afraid people will always say that unicorns were a
myth. All the flags are at half-mast.—Something is making me scratch.
I notice some red spots on my person.—Took my bath.
SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT—Shem says there’s no fun using the
wireless unless you can talk to somebody.
REMARKS:
Services this morning. I am tired of preaching. Wish there had been
some good ministers.—The candles are giving out. Was struck with a
bright idea. Took the two lightning bugs and put them in a wine bottle.
Hung it from the chandelier. Great success.—House-cleaned the aquarium
this afternoon. I can’t see why the white fish don’t get along with the
smoked herring.—Mrs. Noah located that flea.
[Illustration]
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
We played charades tonight. Ham and his wife came as Adam and Eve. We
guessed them in a minute. Japheth put on a suit of my robes, and came
as me. I guessed him by the beard. Mrs. Noah was an Egyptian princess,
who fell in love with some foreigners. I forget her name. Mrs. Japheth
appeared as a Chaldean suffragette. We gave her up until she smashed a
few portholes.
I came disguised with a lantern. Walked around the deck looking for
someone. They couldn’t guess me. Then I went up to a looking-glass
and shook hands with myself. They couldn’t even guess me after that.
Afterwards, Ham said he thought I was Diogenes but I threw him off the
scent when I shook hands with myself.
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
Mrs. Ham wants me to give her the feathers of the birds of paradise
if they die.—Ham played a mean trick on me today. While I was on
the bridge he ran up and said somebody wanted me on the telephone. I
was half-way down the ladder before I tumbled.—Mrs. Shem made candy
this afternoon. She gave me a whole pan to myself. I do like that
woman.—Mrs. Noah wishes there were some other women on the Ark to talk
about.—Gave the apple worms a fresh apple.—Caught Ham fishing in the
gold-fish bowl.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Spent the morning tacking a screen around the two spider-webs to keep
the flies from bothering the poor bugs.—Fed the moths the last piece
of brussels carpet today.—Those two sphinxes haven’t eaten a single
thing on the voyage. I’ve read somewhere they only eat mummies.
[Illustration]
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
Nothing happened today.
[Illustration]
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
We’re almost over the equator. Quite warm. Wish we had brought some
electric fans.—That moose of mine has a dandy pair of antlers. I’d
like to have them for a hat-rack.—Yorick scratched up the flower
box. Mrs. Noah never said a word. If one of my animals had done that,
I never would have heard the end of it.—It beats me where all these
kittens are coming from. Put the canaries in the safe.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
Made inventory of cargo. All present. It’s a grand sight to see them
all lined up. It’s a wonder I can remember all their names. I do
get mixed on the Latin pronunciation occasionally, but the family
never notice it. Anyway, I can’t see the use of giving a fly such a
high-faluting name as “musca domestica.”—The women folks make a lot
of fuss over the peacocks. They’re too fancy for me. I like something
plain like a hippopotamus.—It might be a good plan to catalogue these
animals while I have them all together. But I’m not a zoölogist. I’m a
shipbuilder and navigator.—My day to eat the egg.—Slipped Mrs. Noah’s
muff into the moths’ den. It ought to make good pasture for them.—Took
my bath.
SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT—Do your Christmas shopping early.
REMARKS:
Services.—We’re over India. It’s a shame we are so close to these
interesting places and can’t see them.—Shem says we are nearer the
horizon today than any time on the cruise.—Ham can’t see any use in
hanging up the red and green lights at night. As long as I’m captain
I’m going to run the Ark according to the rules. Who ever heard of an
Ark at sea without lights?—No ice-cream for dinner today. The freezer
is broken.—Mrs. Noah found her muff. She was furious.
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
Can’t understand two little birds among my specimens. They roost in
the top of the clock. Every once in awhile they come out and holler
“coo-coo.” I have tried everything to make them eat. They don’t like
bird-seed. Now, I’m tempting them with worms.—Took Mrs. Noah’s boa to
the moths’ den. I was caught. She won’t talk to me now. That woman is
heartless. She wouldn’t care if the dear animals starved to death. I’ll
have to feed them blotting paper.—Repaired the freezer.
[Illustration]
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
We can’t keep the fox terrier away from talking machine.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Had all the creeping things out for exercise. The deck was quite
alive. I have made pets of all the animals on the Ark with the
exception of some of these. Take the St. Vitus dance microbes for
instance—they are entirely too unsympathetic for me. I don’t
care much for the snakes either. They are the things that got
my great-great-great-great-grandmother into trouble. One of the
grasshoppers tried to jump overboard.—Japh, Ham and their wives
sit too late in the smoke room. Those children ought to go to bed
early.—Mrs. Shem says the Noah family eats so much the pigs are
getting thin.—Seven more kittens today.
[Illustration]
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
One of the megatheriums presented her husband with a little,
seventy-five foot daughter. We’re too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed
her a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then threw it overboard. It
will make a fine fossil for some museum.—Mrs. Noah gave a progressive
bridge tonight. I had to go. I don’t see why one can’t sit at the same
table all evening. Still, the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a
stamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish.
[Illustration]
FRIDAY.
REMARKS:
Posed again for my picture.—Yorick has eaten all the Spratt’s
biscuits.—Dropped one of the clay pigeons, but did not break
him.—Spent morning whitewashing the chicken coop.—Fourteen more
kittens today.—Passed several floating _Verboten_ signs. We must be
over Germany. Mrs. Ham had to tell us all about her travels in that
country.—There’s a little hundred-footer in the thousand-legger bunk.
[Illustration]
SATURDAY.
REMARKS:
Mrs. Japheth made a _faux pas_ this morning. She shouted, “Ship
ahoy.” We all ran to the railing and looked. She insisted she saw
smoke beyond the horizon. If there’s anything to be seen the man on
the lookout ought to see it first.—I spend a good deal of time on the
bridge these days. We are in the path of the liners and I don’t want a
collision. But I guess we won’t sink. We have twelve rats aboard.—Bath.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: “_Feeding time in the steerage_”]
SUNDAY.
REMARKS:
One of the bats broke up church. The women crawled under the pews when
we began the chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He’ll have seven years’ bad
luck. I finally hit the bird with a tennis racket, and chased him back
to his cage. I don’t know, but I believe Ham let him out. I had a good
sermon for today, too. I was going to tell the congregation about the
sins of the world. They’ll get that sermon yet.—The cook says we are
running out of provisions. Our water supply is still good.—My day for
the egg.—We’re crossing the Ægean Sea. Mrs. Ham had to tell us about
her last voyage.—Going to have a mock trial tomorrow.
MONDAY.
REMARKS:
Had the mock trial tonight. I was arrested on the charge of cruelty
to animals. Mrs. Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the cop, and
Ham the prosecuting attorney. Mrs. Noah was the first witness. She
told the court I made the bats sleep upside down, that I wouldn’t
let the mock turtles mock, and that I put sawdust in the bran I fed
the megatherium cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and declared I
never opened the sardine cans before I fed them to the whales, that
I threw my sandle-jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin’ out of
the teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I put the chameleon on the
crazy-quilt, and that I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I didn’t
do any of these things, but I do wish I had taken a punch at Yorick.
Mrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had been a member of the S. P. C.
A. from infancy, that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that I
had done my best to make the bats roost like a regular chicken, and
that she had frequently seen me trying to clean the spots off the
leopards with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He declared the accusations
were pure blackmail, and that I was too young to be so cruel. The first
witness, he said, showed her incompetence by pronouncing “megatherium
cubieri,” “megatherium cubieri” and not “megatherium cubieri.” The
other witnesses were all in the pay of the animal trust, according
to my attorney, and as far as the chameleon charge was concerned
he produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing better than a
crazy-quilt to display their talents. In ending his speech, Shem said
I was the greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that it would be
a blot on ancient history should I be convicted. I was unanimously
acquitted by the jury.
[Illustration]
TUESDAY.
REMARKS:
Spent morning in the monkey fo’csle. I’d hate to think I was a
descendant of theirs. I once asked grandpa about that story. He said
he had talked it over with his grandmother. She told him grandpa Adam
often declared the fabrication to be a deliberate lie.—I don’t know
what to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps I can sell it to some
curiosity or second-hand dealer.—The crane stood on his other leg
today.—I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I put an ark light
down there.
[Illustration]
WEDNESDAY.
REMARKS:
Christmas must be coming. Mrs. Noah has stopped complaining. She says
I am looking so young. Mrs. Ham warmed my slippers tonight. Ham is
really working.—A litter of pigs came aboard. Pigs is pigs. Anyway,
they are more practical than kittens. It’s against my principles to eat
pork, so we are going to make them into sausage.—Ham hopes the oysters
have little ones. He says he would enjoy a good oyster-stew.—Put on
my diver’s suit this afternoon, and went overboard to see if my two
barnacles were still on the keel. They were.
[Illustration: “_Went overboard to see if my two barnacles were still on
the keel_”]
THURSDAY.
REMARKS:
The night before Christmas. Everybody hung their stockings before the
fireplace. Ham wanted me to play Santa, and climb down the funnel. I
knew if I did he would pile on more coal. The family couldn’t do enough
for me tonight.—I finally decided to play Santa Claus. Dressed up like
a real toy-store Kriss Kringle. We had a jolly good time in the cabin.
Decorated the tree, and hung some mistletoe from the chandelier. I
caught Mrs. Shem several times. Mrs. Noah had to get jealous, and sat
under it.