Colonel Sterett Relates Marvels.
"As I asserts frequent," observed the Old Cattleman, the while
delicately pruning a bit of wood he'd picked up on his walk, "the funds
of information, gen'ral an' speshul, which Colonel William Greene
Sterett packs about would freight a eight-mule team. It's even money
which of 'em saveys the most, him or Doc Peets. For myself, after
careful study, I inclines to the theery that Colonel Sterett's
knowledge is the widest, while Peets's is the most exact. Both is
college gents; an' yet they differs as to the valyoo of sech
sem'naries. The Colonel coppers colleges, while Peets plays 'em to win.
"'Them temples of learnin',' says the Colonel, 'is a heap ornate; but
they don't make good.' This is doubted by Peets.
"One evenin' Dan Boggs, who's allers tantalisin' 'round askin'
questions--it looks like a sleepless cur'osity is proned into
Dan--ropes at Peets concernin' this topic:
"'Whatever do they teach in colleges, Doc?' asks Dan.
"'They teaches all of the branches," retorts Peets.
"'An' none of the roots,' adds Colonel Sterett, 'as a cunnin' Yank once
remarks on a o'casion sim'lar.'
"No, the Colonel an' Peets don't go lockin' horns in these differences.
Both is a mighty sight too well brought up for that; moreover, they
don't allow to set the camp no sech examples. They entertains too high
a regyard for each other to take to pawin' about pugnacious, verbal or
otherwise.
"The Colonel's information is as wide flung as a buzzard's wing.
Thar's mighty few mysteries he ain't authorised to eloocidate. An'
from time to time, accordin' as the Colonel's more or less in licker,
he enlightens Wolfville on a multitoode of topics. Which the Colonel
is a profound eddicational innocence; that's whatever!
"It's one evenin' an' the moon is swingin' high in the bloo-black
heavens an' looks like a gold doorknob to the portals of the eternal
beyond. Texas Thompson fixes his eyes tharon, meditative an' pensive,
an' then he wonders:
"'Do you-all reckon, now, that folks is livin' up thar?'
"'Whatever do you think yourse'f, Colonel?' says Enright, passin' the
conundrum over to the editor of the _Coyote_. 'Do you think thar's
folks on the moon?'
"'Do I think thar's folks on the moon?' repeats the Colonel as ca'mly
confident as a club flush. 'I don't think,--I knows.'
"'Whichever is it then?' asks Dan Boggs, whose ha'r already begins to
bristle, he's that inquisitive. 'Simply takin' a ignorant shot in the
dark that away, I says, "No." That moon looks like a mighty lonesome
loominary to me.'
"'Jest the same,' retorts the Colonel, an' he's a lot dogmatic, 'that
planet's fairly speckled with people. An' if some gent will recall the
errant fancies of Black Jack to a sense of dooty, I'll onfold how I
knows.
"'It's when I'm crowdin' twenty,' goes on the Colonel, followin' the
ministrations of Black Jack, 'an' I'm visitin' about the meetropolis of
Looeyville. I've been sellin' a passel of runnin' hosses; an' as I
rounds up a full peck of doubloons for the fourteen I disposes of, I'm
feelin' too contentedly cunnin' to live. It's evenin' an' the moon is
shinin' same as now. I jest pays six bits for my supper at the Galt
House, an' lights a ten cent seegyar--Oh! I has the bridle off all
right!--an' I'm romancin' leesurly along the street, when I encounters
a party who's ridin' herd on one of these yere telescopes, the same
bein' p'inted at the effulgent moon. Gents, she's shorely a giant
spy-glass, that instrooment is; bigger an' longer than the smokestack
of any steamboat between Looeyville an' Noo Orleans. She's swung on a
pa'r of shears; each stick a cl'ar ninety foot of Norway pine. As I
goes pirootin' by, this gent with the telescope pipes briskly up.
"'"Take a look at the moon?"
"'"No," I replies, wavin' him off some haughty, for that bag of
doubloons has done puffed me up. "No, I don't take no interest in the
moon."
"'As I'm comin' back, mebby it's a hour later, this astronomer is still
swingin' an' rattlin' with the queen of night. He pitches his lariat
ag'in an' now he fastens.
"'"You-all better take a look; they're havin' the time of their c'reers
up thar."
"'"Whatever be they doin'?"
"'"Tellin' wouldn't do no good," says the savant; "it's one of them
rackets a gent has to see to savey."
"'"What's the ante?" I asks, for the fires of my cur'osity begins to
burn.
"'"Four bits! An' considerin' the onusual doin's goin' for'ard, it's
cheaper than corn whiskey."
"'No; I don't stand dallyin' 'round, tryin' to beat this philosopher
down in his price. That ain't my style. When I'm ready to commit
myse'f to a enterprise, I butts my way in, makes good the tariff, an'
no delays. Tharfore, when this gent names four bits, I onpouches the
_dinero_ an' prepares to take a astronomic peek.
"'"How long do I gaze for four bits?" I asks, battin' my right eye to
get it into piercin' shape.
"'"Go as far as you likes," retorts the philosopher; "thar's no limit."
"'Gents,' says the Colonel, pausin' to renoo his Valley Tan, while Dan
an' Texas an' even Old Man Enright hitches their cha'rs a bit nearer,
the interest is that intense; 'gents, you-all should have took a squint
with me through them lenses. Which if you enjoys said privilege, you
can gamble Dan an' Texas wouldn't be camped 'round yere none tonight,
exposin' their ignorance an' lettin' fly croode views concernin'
astronomy. That telescope actooally brings the moon plumb into
Kaintucky;--brings her within the reach of all. You could stretch to
her with your hand, she's that clost.'
"'But is thar folks thar?' says Dan, who's excited by the Colonel's
disclosures. 'Board the kyard, Colonel, an' don't hold us in suspense."
"'Folks!' returns the Colonel. 'I wishes I has two-bit pieces for
every one of 'em! The face of that orb is simply festered with folks!
She teems with life; ant-hills on election day means desertion by
compar'son. Thar's thousands an' thousands of people, mobbin' about
indiscrim'nate; I sees 'em as near an' plain as I sees Dan.'
"'An' whatever be they doin'?' asks Dan.
"'They're pullin' off a hoss race,' says the Colonel, lookin' steady in
Dan's eye. 'An' you hears me! I never sees sech bettin' in my life.'
"Nacherally we-all feels refreshed with these experiences of Colonel
Sterett's, for as Enright observes, it's by virchoo of sech casooal
chunks of information that a party rounds out a eddication.
"'It ain't what a gent learns in schools,' says Enright, 'that broadens
him an' stiffens his mental grip; it's knowledge like this yere moon
story from trustworthy sources that augments him an' fills him full.
Go on, Colonel, an' onload another marvel or two. You-all must shore
have witnessed a heap!'
"'Them few sparse facts touchin' the moon,' returns Colonel Sterett,
'cannot be deemed wonders in any proper sense. They're merely
interestin' details which any gent gets onto who brings science to his
aid. But usin' the word "wonders," I does once blunder upon a mir'cle
which still waits to be explained. That's a shore-enough marvel! An'
to this day, all I can state is that I sees it with these yere eyes.'
"'Let her roll!' says Texas Thompson. 'That moon story prepares us for
anything.'
"'Texas,' observes the Colonel, a heap severe, 'I'd hate to feel that
your observations is the jeerin' offspring of distrust.'
"'Me distrust!' replies Texas, hasty to squar' himse'f. 'I'd as soon
think of distrustin' that Laredo divorce of my former he'pmeet! An' as
the sheriff drives off two hundred head of my cattle by way of alimony,
I deems the fact of that sep'ration as fixed beyond cavil. No,
Colonel, you has my fullest confidence. I'd go doubtin' the evenhanded
jestice of Cherokee's faro game quicker than distrustin' you.'
"'An' I'm present to say,' returns the Colonel mighty complacent, 'that
I looks on sech assoorances as complimentary. To show which I
onhesitatin'ly reels off that eepisode to which I adverts.
"'I'm only a child; but I retains my impressions as sharp cut an' cl'ar
as though she happens yesterday. It's a time when one of these
legerdemain sharps pastes up his bills in our village an' lets on he'll
give a show in Liberty Hall on the comin' Saturday evenin'. An' gents,
to simply read of the feats he threatens to perform would loco you!
Besides, thar's a picture of Satan, black an' fiery an' frightful,
where he's he'pin' this gifted person to foist said mir'cles upon the
age. I don't exaggerate none when I asserts that the moment our
village gets its eye on these three-sheets it comes to a dead halt.
"'Old Squar' Alexanders is the war chief of the hamlet, an' him an' the
two other selectmen c'llects themse'fs over their toddies an' canvasses
whether they permits this wizard to give his fiendish exhibitions in
our midst. They has it pro an' con ontil the thirteenth drink, when
Squar' Alexanders who's ag'in the wizard brings the others to his
views; an' as they staggers forth from the tavern it's the yoonanimous
decision to bar that Satan-aided show.
"'"Witches, wizards, elves, gnomes, bull-beggars, fiends, an' devils is
debarred the Bloo Grass Country," says Squar' Alexanders, speakin' for
himse'f an' his fellow selectmen, "an' they're not goin' to be allowed
to hold their black an' sulphurous mass meetin's yere."
"'It comes Saturday evenin' an' the necromancer is in the tavern eatin'
his supper. Shore! he looks like common folks at that! Squar'
Alexanders is waitin' for him in the bar. When he shows up, carelessly
pickin' his teeth, it's mebby half a hour before the show, Squar'
Alexanders don't fritter away no time, but rounds up the wizard.
"'"Thar's no show which has Satan for a silent partner goin' to cut
itse'f loose in this village," says Squar' Alexanders.
"'"What's this talk about Satan?" responds the wizard. "I don't savey
no more about Satan than I does about you."
"'"Look at them bills," says Squar' Alexanders, an' he p'ints to where
one is hangin' on the barroom wall. It gives a picture of the foul
fiend, with pitchfork, spear-head tail an' all. "Whatever do you call
that?"
"'"That's a bluff," says the wizard. "If Kaintucky don't get tangled
up with Satan ontil I imports him to her fertile shores, you cimmarons
may regyard yourse'fs as saved."
"'"Be you-all goin' to do the sundry deeds you sets forth in the
programmes?" asks Squar' Alexanders after a pause.
"'"Which I shorely be!" says the wizard, "an' if I falls down or fails
you can call me a ab'litionist."
"'"Then all I has to say is this," returns Squar' Alexanders; "no gent
could do them feats an' do 'em on the level. You'd have to have the
he'p of demons to pull em off. An' that brings us back to my first
announcement; an' stranger, your show don't go."
"'At this the wizard lets on he's lost patience with Squar' Alexanders
an' declares he won't discuss with him no more. Also, he gives it out
that, Satan, or no Satan, he'll begin to deal his game at eight o'clock.
"'"Very well!" rejoins Squar' Alexanders. "Since you refooses to be
warned I shall shore instruct the constable to collar you on the steps
of Liberty Hall." As he says this, Squar' Alexanders p'ints across to
Chet Kishler, who's the constable, where he's restin' hhnse'f in front
of Baxter's store.
"'This yere Chet is a giant an' clost onto eight foot high. It's a
warm evenin', an' as the wizard glances over at Chet, he notices how
that offishul is lazily fannin' himse'f with a barn-door which he's
done lifted off the hinges for that coolin' purpose. The wizard don't
say nothin', but he does turn a mite pale; he sees with half a eye that
Satan himse'f would be he'pless once Chet gets his two paws on him.
However, he assoomes that he's out to give the show as per schedoole.
"'It's makin' toward eight when the wizard lights a seegyar, drinks
four fingers of Willow Run, an' goes p'intin' out for Liberty Hall.
Chet gets up, hangs the barn-door back on its hinges, an' sa'nters
after. Squar' Alexanders has posted Chet as to his dooties an' his
orders is to prounce on the necromancer if he offers to enter the hall.
That's how the cavalcade lines up: first, the wizard; twenty foot
behind is Chet; an' twenty foot behind our constable comes the public
in a body.
"'About half way to Liberty Hall the wizard begins to show nervous an'
oncertain. He keeps lookin' back at Chet; an' even in my childish
simplicity I sees that he ain't pleased with the outlook. At last he
weakens an' abandons his idee of a show. Gents, as I fills my glass, I
asks you-all however now do you reckon that wizard beats a retreat?'
"Thar's no reply. Dan, Texas, an' the others, while Colonel Sterett
acquires his licker, shakes their heads dumbly as showin' they gives it
up.
"'Which you'd shorely never guess!' retorts the Colonel, wipin' his
lips. 'Of a sudden, this wizard tugs somethin' outen his pocket that
looks like a ball of kyarpet-rags. Holdin' one end, quick as thought
he tosses the ball of kyarpet-rags into the air. It goes straight up
ontil lost to view, onwindin' itse'f in its flight because of the
wizard holdin' on.
"'Gents, that ball of kyarpet-rags never does come down no-more! An'
it's all done as easy as a set-lock rifle! The wizard climbs the
danglin' string of kyarpet-rags, hand over hand; then he drifts off an'
up'ards ontil he don't look bigger than a bumble-bee; an' then he's
lost in the gatherin' shadows of the Jooly night.
"'Squar' Alexanders, Chet, an' the village stands strainin' their eyes
for twenty minutes. But the wizard's vamosed; an' at last, when each
is convinced tharof, the grown folks led by Squar' Alexanders reepairs
back into the tavern an' takes another drink.'
"'That's a mighty marvellous feat your necromancer performs, Colonel,'
remarks Enright, an' the old chief is grave as becomes the Colonel's
revelations; 'he's a shore-enough wonder-worker, that wizard is!'
"But I ain't got to the wonders none as yet,' reemonstrates the
Colonel, who spunks up a bit peevish for him. 'An' from the frequent
way wherein I'm interrupted, it don't look much like I will. Goin'
sailin' away into darklin' space with that ball of enchanted
kyarpet-rags,--that ain't the sooper-nacheral part at all! Shore!
ondoubted it's some hard to do as a feat, but still thar's other
feachers which from the standp'int of the marvellous overpowers it like
four kings an' a ace. That wonder is this: It's quarter to eight when
the wizard takes his flight by means of the kyarpet-rags. Gents, at
eight o'clock sharp the same evenin' he walks on the stage an' gives a
show at St. Looey, hundreds of miles away.'"