“It's always been a wondher to me,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye niver
marrid.”
“It's been a wondher to manny,” Mr. Dooley replied haughtily. “Maybe if
I'd been as aisy pleased as most--an' this is not sayin' annything again
you an' ye'ers, Hinnisy, f'r ye got much th' best iv it--I might be th'
father iv happy childher an' have money in th' bank awaitin' th' day
whin th' intherest on th' morgedge fell due. 'Tis not f'r lack iv
opportunities I'm here alone, I tell ye that me bucko, f'r th' time was
whin th' sound iv me feet'd brings more heads to th' windies iv Ar-rchey
r-road thin'd bob up to see ye'er fun'ral go by. An' that's manny a
wan.”
“Ah, well,” said Mr. Hennessy, “I was but jokin' ye.” His tone mollified
his friend, who went on: “To tell ye th' truth, Hinnissy, th' raison I
niver got marrid was I niver cud pick a choice. I've th' makin' iv an
ixcillint ol' Turk in me, to be sure, f'r I look on all the sect as
iligeable f'r me hand an' I'm on'y resthrained fr'm r-rentin' Lincoln
Park f'r a home an' askin' thim all to clave on'y to me, be me nachral
modesty an' th' laws iv th' State iv Illinye. 'Twas always so with me
an' I think it is so with most men that dies bachelors. Be r-readin'
th' pa-apers ye'd think a bachelor was a man bor-rn with a depraved
an' parvarse hathred iv wan iv our most cherished institootions, an'
anti-expansionist d'ye mind. But'tis no such thing. A bachelor's a man
that wud extind his benificint rule over all th' female wurruld, fr'm
th' snow-capped girls iv Alaska to th' sunny eileens iv th' Passyfic.
A marrid man's a person with a limited affection--a protictionist
an' anti-expansionist, a mugwump, be hivins. 'Tis th' bachelor that's
keepin' alive th' rivrince f'r th' sect.
“Whin I was a young man, ye cud search fr'm wan end iv th' town to th'
other f'r me akel with th' ladies. Ye niver see me in them days, but
'twas me had a rogue's eye an' a leg far beyant th' common r-run iv
props. I cud dance with th' best iv thim, me voice was that sthrong
'twas impossible to hear annywan else whin I sung 'Th' Pretty Maid
Milkin' th' Cow,' an' I was dhressed to kill on Sundahs. 'Twas thin
I bought th' hat ye see me wear at th' picnic. 'Twas 'Good mornin',
Misther Dooley, an' will ye come in an' have a cup iv tay,' an' 'How
d'ye do Misther Dooley, I didn't see ye at mass this mornin',' an'
'Martin, me boy, dhrop in an' take a hand at forty-fives. Th' young
ladies has been ask in' me ar-re ye dead.' I was th' pop'lar idol, ye
might say, an' manny's th' black look I got over th' shouldher at picnic
an' wake. But I minded thim little. If a bull again me come fr'm th'
pope himsilf in thim days whin me heart was high, I'd tuck it in me
pocket an' say: 'I'll r-read it whin I get time.'”
“Well, I'd take one iv th' girls out in me horse an' buggy iv a Sundah
an' I'd think she was th' finest in th' wurruld an' I'd be sayin' all
kinds iv jokin' things to her about marredge licenses bein' marked down
on account iv th' poor demand an' how th' parish priest was thinkin' iv
bein' thransferred to a parish where th' folks was more kindly disposed
to each other an' th' likes iv that, whin out iv th' corner iv me eye
I'd see another girl go by, an' bless me if I cud keep th' lid iv me
r-right eye still or hold me tongue fr'm such unfortchnit remark as:
'That there Molly Heaney's th' fine girl, th' fine, sthrappin' girl,
don't ye think so?' Well, ye know, afther that I might as well be
dhrivin' an ice wagon as a pleasure rig; more thin wanst I near lost th'
tip iv me nose in th' jamb iv th' dure thryin' to give an affictshionate
farewell. An' so it wint on, till I got th' repytation iv a flirt an' a
philandhrer f'r no raison at all, d'ye mind, but me widespread fondness.
I like thim all, dark an' light, large an' small, young an' old, marrid
an' single, widdied an' divorced, an' so I niver marrid annywan. But
ye'll find me photygraft in some albums an' me bills in more thin wan
livery stable.”
“I think marrid men gets on th' best f'r they have a home an' fam'ly to
lave in th' mornin' an' a home an' fam'ly to go back to at night; that
makes thim wurruk. Some men's domestic throubles dhrives thim to dhrink,
others to labor. Ye r-read about a man becomin' a millyonaire an' ye
think he done it be his own exertions whin 'tis much again little 'twas
th' fear iv comin' home impty handed an' dislike iv stayin' ar-round th'
house all day that made him rich. Misther Standard Ile takes in millyons
in a year but he might be playin' dominoes in an injine house if it
wasn't f'r Mrs. Standard Ile. 'Tis th' thought iv that dear quiet lady
at home, in her white cap with her ca'm motherly face, waitin' patiently
f'r him with a bell-punch that injooces him to put a shtick iv dinnymite
in somebody else's ile well an' bury his securities whin th' assissor
comes ar-round. Near ivry man's property ought to be in wife's name an'
most iv it is.
“But with a bachelor 'tis diff'rent. Ye an' I ar-re settin' here
together an' Clancy dhrops in. Clancy's wife's away an' he's out f'r a
good time an' he comes to me f'r it. A bachelor's f'r th' enjymint of
his marrid frinds' vacations. Whin Clancy's wife's at home an' I go to
see him he r-runs th' pail out in a valise, an' we take our criminal
dhrink in th' woodshed. Well, th' three iv us sits here an' pass th'
dhrink an' sing our songs iv glee till about ilivin o'clock; thin ye
begin to look over ye'er shouldher ivry time ye hear a woman's voice an'
fin'lly ye get up an' yawn an' dhrink ivrything on th' table an' gallop
home. Clancy an' I raysume our argymint on th' Chinese sityation an'
afterwards we carol together me singin' th' chune an' him doin' a razor
edge tinor. Thin he tells me how much he cares f'r me an' proposes to
rassle me an' weeps to think how bad he threats his wife an' begs me
niver to marry, f'r a bachelor's life's th' on'y wan, an' 'tis past
two o'clock whin I hook him on a frindly polisman an' sind him
thrippin'--th' polisman--down th' sthreet. All r-right so far. But in
th' mornin' another story. If Clancy gets home an' finds his wife's
rayturned fr'm th' seaside or th' stock yards, or whereiver'tis she's
spint her vacation, they'se no r-rest f'r him in th' mornin'. His head
may sound in his ears like a automobill an' th' look iv an egg may make
his knees thremble, but he's got to be off to th' blacksmith shop,
an' hiven help his helper that mornin'. So Clancy's gettin' r-rich an'
puttin' a coopoly on his house.”
“But with me 'tis diff'rent. Whin Phibbius Apollo as Hogan calls th'
sun, raises his head above th' gas house, I'm cuddled up in me couch
an' Morpus, gawd iv sleep, has a sthrangle holt on me. Th' alarm clock
begins to go off an' I've just sthrength enough to raise up an' fire
it through th' window. Two hours aftherward I have a gleam iv human
intillygince an' hook me watch out fr'm undher th' pillow. 'It's eight
o'clock,' says I. 'But is it eight in th' mornin' or eight in th'
evenin'?' says I. 'Faith, I dinnaw, an' divvle a bit care I. Eight's
on'y a number,' says I. 'It riprisints nawthin',' says I.”
“They'se hours enough in th' day f'r a free man. I'll turr-n over an'
sleep till eight-wan and thin I'll wake up refrished,' I says. 'Tis
ilivin o'clock whin me tired lids part f'r good an' Casey has been here
to pay me eight dollars an' findin' me not up has gone away f'r another
year.”
“A marrid man gets th' money, Hinnissy, but a bachelor man gets
th' sleep. Whin all me marrid frinds is off to wurruk pound in' th'
ongrateful sand an' wheelin' th' rebellyous slag, in th' heat iv th'
afthernoon, ye can see ye'er onfortchnit bachelor frind perambulatin' up
an' down th' shady side iv th' sthreet, with an umbrelly over his head
an' a wurrud iv cheer fr'm young an' old to enliven his loneliness.”
“But th' childher?” asked Mr. Hennessy slyly.
“Childher!” said Mr. Dooley. “Sure I have th' finest fam'ly in th' city.
Without scandal I'm th' father iv ivry child in Ar-rchey r-road fr'm end
to end.”
“An' none iv ye'er own,” said Mr. Hennessy.
“I wish to hell, Hinnissy,” said Mr. Dooley savagely, “ye'd not lean
against that mirror, I don't want to have to tell ye again.”