Of course this whole Peace Conference talk started from the
time Pres Wilson said to Germany "We wont deal with you as
long as you occupy invaded Territory." Well the Kaiser come
right back at him and said, "If you can show us how we can
give it up any faster than we are I wish you would do it,"
Now the Armistace was signed, and Germany agreed to quit
running at eleven oclock on a certain day,
Of course we got the word a couple of days before it was
really signed, Making everybody have TWO DRUNKS where one
would have done just as well,
It would have been signed on this first day But the German
Generals whom they sent out to sign up, had never been to
the front and dident know just where it was,
The Kaiser was on the verge at one time of visiting the
western front then he said, "No I will just wait a few days
till it comes to me,"
Our Show was playing in Philadelphia when the first
Armistace was signed, (_The one the saloon men framed up_) I
was a bit leary of it all the time as I had been there once
before when the Union League Club had paraded for a Mr
Hughes, Then later they had to put the Parade back,
I HAD ALWAYS BELIEVED PHILA TO BE SLOW AND HERE IT WAS 2
DAYS AHEAD OF THE FACTS
At that time everybody wondered what to do with the Kaiser,
I thought he should have been brought to this Country and
made to clean the streets after that first Armistace day,
A funny thing the Armistace was signed about the time the
returns of the last election come in. The Germans and the
Democrats learned their fate on the same day,
When the war was over the Kaiser called his 6 sons to him
and said, "Now boys we better duck Cause this war is over
and you boys can get hurt _Now_,"
The thing that hurt the Kaiser worse than losing the war,
Was that in all the Armistace terms they dident even mention
his name,
Everybody commence talking about the Peace Conference and
who was to go, Some Republican Senators went so far as to
engage a lower birth,
_There was so much argument about who was to go, That Pres
Wilson says I tell you what, "We will split 50-50 I will go
and you fellows can stay,"_
At last we were going to get even with them for all their
commissions coming over here,
You know for a while COMMISSIONS were coming so fast, That
we were lucky to find a fellow who knew what Flag to put
out each day,
We were meeting Servian Commissions with Romanian Flags,
Of course there were nations coming at that time who had not
enough to support a flag, Thats why the commission were here
to place a Flag Contract,
Now to get to my Peace trip, About three months are supposed
to have elapsed between the last Paragraph and this one, All
of which time was taken up by Congress talking, (_see
congressional Record_) Finally Pres Wilson got tired
listening to them and walked out on them,
If it had not been to get away from Congress, I have my
doubts if he would have gone to Europe,
_Now for the Number 2 Peace trip,_
This Peace trip is not an original Idea, (It was originated
by some obscure MANAFACTURER OF KNICK NACKS,) _Name
furnished at advertising rates_,
Its always the same, the fellow who originates anything or
starts something new is generally called a nut, The next
fellow comes along takes his Idea improves on it and of
course is a smart man,
Of Course this No 2 Company used better Judgement than the
first one. This one waited till the war was over to Go,
This is the only case in Theatrical History where the No 2
Company was better than the original,
Of corse I claim this Manafacturer in some middle west town
(I cant seem to recall that fellows name) made one mistake,
There were people on his Boat that should never have had a
return trip ticket,
Through Holland receiving them is where the Kaiser got his
idea of going there,
Of course there was a lot of dissatisfaction against the
Pres going, Mostly by people whom he did not take along,
I was in favor of his going because I thought it would give
us a chance to find out who was Vice President, But it
Dident,
I also felt confident that he was the only man that could
explain the 14 points
We were especially lucky in having him represent us in
England as he is the only one we could have sent that spoke
good enough english that they could understand,
He would have taken a Senator but couldent find one that had
a dress Suit
A congressman of course was out of the question He couldent
have eaten off a 15 million dollar plate He would have
starved to death looking at it,
For awhile it looked like Mr Hughes would get to go, While
the others were signing up he could have been investigating,
his report would have been ready the day before the next
election,
Also asked a manafacturer from some lake town (I cant think
of that Birds name) But he said "No thank you one trip
cured me"
The Sectry of Agriculture was named to go for a while, It
was thought that if we were fortunate enough to be assigned
any loose Islands at the meeting He could immediately advise
what to plant thereby getting in a crop next year,
_MR ROOT_ was named then some one happened to think of
RUSSIA and that was off,
_Wanted_ BRYAN _to go but nobody knew where he was,_
I wanted to go along as _JESTER_ Pres Wilson will miss his
comedy when he gets away from Congress,
I wanted to represent the United Press (the one that sent in
that prematur peace report) I could have had them there
before they started,
See they took one Republican with them, But I have never
read any thing in the papers about him landing, Just about
chucked that guy overboard,
=Took a republican along to argue with on the way over,=
=They will about make him Wait on the Peace Table,=
See where Admiral Dr Grayson stood his Maiden voyage well,
Mr Creel went along to suppress any SCANDAL that may crop
up
On arriving they found they had forgotten something after
searching they found it was the _Industrial Committee_,
Now Mr Barney Baruch is going in case we land a few Shekels,
why Barney will count up for us,
_Also Mr Garfield "said he wasent going to stay in this
Country and FREEZE another winter,"_
If they keep on sending for them, Talk about getting the
boys back, it will take a couple of years to get all these
Peace Guys back,
We may not have had as many Nations in the war as these
other Nations but we are going to Swamp them at the Peace
Table,
Col House was there to meet the Boat in a _listening
Capacity_,
Lot of men have _fought_ their way into fame and _talked_
their way into fame but Col House is the only man that ever
just LISTENED HIMSELF IN,
After looking over Paris the troop went to London, Can you
imagine how sore these Republicans got when they read about
a Democrat sleeping in Buckingham Palace,
Kaiser and Czar used to kid King George and tell him he
dident have any power He can get back at them now and say
"No I havent got much power but I am still _Kinging_ aint
I,"
Pres left London passed through Paris got an earfull from
Col House and played a week of one Night stands through
Italy,
He had a letter of recomendation from Caruso so he met some
of the best people in Italy,
Every time the Pres wanted applause in his speeches in Italy
he would mention GARIBALDI which sounds same in English as
Italian,
Belgium wanted to book him there but the Pres got wise that
they were holding so many Banquets they were trying to wear
him out before the Peace Feast started,
King of Italy also the King of England have agreed with him
up to now But unfortunately they neither one will be at the
Peace signing,
England is orally in accord but there has been nothing
signed,
They are a little late starting as they were waiting to find
someone who knew what freedom of the Seas mean,
NOW IF HE CAN ONLY HANDLE THAT MEETING AS HE DOES CONGRESS
WE NEED HAVE NO FEAR OF THE RESULT,
You know a lot of people think he is liable to be too easy
with them dont you believe it he can be pretty stern when he
wants to remember last fall when he sent Germany their
Questionaire, Said GIVE ME YOUR REAL NAME AND PERMANENT
ADDRESS,
Lets hope the Turkish Deligation dont bring all their WIVES
or we never will get _PEACE_,
And lets make those Russians shave before they sign up we
want to know who we are dealing with,
If Ireland sends a deligation I can hear France say bring us
back war,
Now the Pres says we are going to recognize the CZECHO
SLOVAKS we may recognize them but we will never pronounce
them,
That Nation has caused Readers more trouble than any other
one in war,
They cant make the Peace terms much worse than those
Armistace terms for they read like a 2nd mortgage, Party of
the second part has no more chance than a Democrat in the
next Congress,
We are handicapped at this meeting, England and France both
have their Prime Ministers there while _BILLY SUNDAY_ dident
go for us,
Each Nation is supposed to share in the Peace terms
according to what they have done in the war, Holland gets
the KAISER, Mexico the CROWN PRINCE,
Now the Pres has to get back here before Mar 1st when the
Country goes in into the hands of the Republicans or they
are liable to want to charge him a tarriff to get in again,
OF COURSE WE DONT RECEIVE MUCH NEWS OF THE PEACE CONFERENCE.
FIRST FEW WEEKS THEY ARE ALL JUST COMPLIMENTING EACH OTHER.
WAIT TILL THEY GO TO DIVIDE UP SOMETHING. (What a truth
that turned out to be)
Well by this time Congress was getting pretty rough so Pres
W grabbed his boat and commuted back home,
Said I think I will land in BOSTON the old Pilgrim Fathers
had pretty fair luck, and _nobody has ever landed there
since_,
Germany couldent figure out how America could get troops
over there and get them trained so quick they dident know
that in our manual there is nothing about RETREATING and
when you only got to teach an Army to go one way you can do
it in half the time,
I feel pretty proud over that last little gag, As I used it
before Pres Wilson in Washington and he repeated it in his
Boston speech, Saying "as one of our AMERICAN HUMORISTS
says," Up to then I had only been an ordinary Rope thrower,
_Pretty tough when the Pres cops your act,_
Pres had pretty good luck on that 1st trip they saw his 14
points and raised him -------- ---- more
Says in there, "There is to be no more wars" and then there
was a Paragraph a little further down told you where to get
your AMMUNITION in case there was one,
Now he come's back to Washington to explain the _LEAGUE OF
NATIONS_ to Congress You know those guys cant read anything
and understand it,
But after eating out of 15 million dollar Gold Plates and
hobnobbing with Kings and Dukes can you imagine how Congress
looked to him when he come back,
Had All the Senators up to dinner at White House Took Ham
Lewis three days to dress for it,
_Not much news from the Dinner Burleson copped the Phones,_
On last day went up to Capitol to sign all the bills
Congress had passed Well after he had signed the _bill_,
Then he went before Congress and balled out the WILFUL 37,
he was busier than Mcadoo with a new train,
HE and Taft both spoke on same stage first time Pres and
x-pres ever _agreed_,
I still wanted to go along but he said: "wait Will till some
other trip and I will take you,"
You know _13_ is his lucky number if they dont sign this up
on this trip he knows they will on his 13th trip,
You see Congress got sore cause he did not call them in
extra session, You know the next Con, is _Republican_, Be a
good joke on them if he dident call them at all wouldent it,
Back to Paris to meet Col House the only man the Pres ever
listened too,
MR DANIELS went over. First time they have ever taken
Josephus anywhere, He will be allright in a crowd,
Made Mr Hoover food DICTATOR for all the Allies That means
that _BELG FRANCE_ and _ENG_, are not going to get any
_more_ to eat than we do,
Conference at 1st gave America Japan Italy France 5
deligates each and England including her Colonies fourteen,
Thats all right to allow England for each one of her
_Foreign Relations_, But they did not allow us a single one
for _Wisconsin_,
_How would you like to have been on a committee of_
Englishman _to inform Ireland they dident get any
Deligates_, OH BOY,
Finally got it down to the big TEN now theres only FOUR,
speaking to each other,
America dident know till they got over there that those
European Nations have had a disease for years called the
Gimmes.
England and Japan had a secret Treaty where England was to
get everything south of the equator and Japan everything
North, Guess they were going to leave the equator for
Ireland,
Japan wanted it put in the contract that she was as good as
anybody else If she _admitted_ it why put it in, If a man is
a Gentleman he don't have a _sign_ on him telling it,
Tell Japan we will recognize them as soon as they recognize
China,
=Peace Table is turning out like all Banquets the speeches
are too long,=
Everybody at the Table wants a second helping, And Germany
the cook hasent got enough to go around,
They agreed on one of the 14 points that was that America
went in for _nothing_ and _expects nothing_ they are all
UNANIMOUS WE GET IT,
Wanted to put the LEAGUE of nations in with Peace Treaty,
thats like a fellow going into a store and the Merchant wont
sell him a Suit unless he uses a Gillette Razor,
Its been a great thing for these Senators if it had not been
for this to _knock_ they would not have gotten all these
Lecture Dates,
The way a lot Of Senators talk you would think Pres W was
going to trade America off for a couple of Golf Clubs,
They seem to think the Pres took the =Monroe Doctrine= in his
pocket and is liable to lose it over there,
Pres Wilson threatened he would start the war over again, Be
terrible if they found out this war was fixed and they had
to fight it over again,
They cant let the Russians in this league or they would make
a Bush League out of it,
_Best time to have formed this League of Nations was during
the war when all these Nations needed each other,_
Everybody is for something to prevent war, but they are
afraid it is like Prohibition it dont prohibit,
League of Nations just as clear as the Income Tax blanks,
One thing we got to be thankful for our Soldiers can win
wars faster than our Diplomats can talk us into them,
Pres Wilson finally got discouraged at the stalling and told
them that if they dident hurry up and do something the
Americans would pick up their Wives and come home,