_Mam._ No, I will take away that jealousy.

I am the lord of the philosopher’s stone, 120

And thou the lady.

_Dol._ How, sir! ha’ you that?

_Mam._ I am the master of the mastery.[1961]

This day the good old wretch here o’ the house

Has made it for us: now he ’s at projection.

Think therefore thy first wish now, let me hear it; 125

And it shall rain into thy lap, no shower,

But floods of gold, whole cataracts, a deluge,

To get a nation on thee.

_Dol._ You are pleas’d, sir,

To work on the ambition of our sex.

_Mam._ I am pleas’d the glory of her sex should know, 130

This nook here of the Friars is no climate

For her to live obscurely in, to learn

Physic and surgery, for the constable’s wife

Of some odd hundred in Essex; but come forth,

And taste the air of palaces; eat, drink 135

The toils of empirics, and their boasted practice;

Tincture of pearl, and coral, gold, and amber;

Be seen at feasts and triumphs; have it ask’d,

What miracle she is; set all the eyes

Of court a-fire, like a burning glass, 140

And work ’em into cinders, when the jewels

Of twenty states adorn thee, and the light

Strikes out the stars that, when thy name is mention’d,

Queens may look pale; and, we but showing our love,

Nero’s Poppaea may be lost in story! 145

Thus will we have it.

_Dol._ I could well consent, sir.

But in a monarchy, how will this be?

The prince will soon take notice, and both seize

You and your stone, it being a wealth unfit

For any private subject.

_Mam._ If he knew it. 150

_Dol._ Yourself do boast it, sir.

_Mam._ To thee, my life.

_Dol._ O, but beware, sir! You may come to end

The remnant of your days in a loath’d prison,

By speaking of it.

_Mam._ ’T is no idle fear. 154

We ’ll therefore go with all, my girl, and live

In a free state, where we will eat our mullets,

Sous’d in high-country wines, sup pheasants’ eggs,

And have our cockles boil’d in silver shells;

Our shrimps to swim again, as when they liv’d,

In a rare butter made of dolphins’ milk, 160

Whose cream does look like opals; and with these

Delicate meats set ourselves high for pleasure,

And take us down again, and then renew

Our youth and strength with drinking the elixir,

And so enjoy a perpetuity 165

Of life and lust! And thou shalt ha’ thy wardrobe

Richer than Nature’s, still to change thyself,

And vary oft’ner, for thy pride, than she,

Or Art, her wise and almost-equal servant.

[_Re-enter_ FACE.]

_Face._ Sir, you are too loud. I hear you every word 170

Into the laboratory. Some fitter place;

The garden, or great chamber above. How like you her?

_Mam._ Excellent! Lungs. There’s for thee.

[_Gives him money._]

_Face._ But do you hear?

Good sir, beware, no mention of the rabbins.

_Mam._ We think not on ’em.

[_Exeunt_ MAM. _and_ DOL.]

_Face._ O, it is well, sir.—Subtle! 175

SCENE II.[1962]

FACE. [_Enter_] SUBTLE.

Dost thou not laugh?

_Sub._ Yes; are they gone?

_Face._ All ’s clear.

_Sub._ The widow is come.

_Face._ And your quarreling disciple?

_Sub._ Ay.

_Face._ I must to my captainship again then.

_Sub._ Stay, bring ’em in first.

_Face._ So I meant. What is she?

A bonnibel?

_Mam._ I know not.

_Face._ We’ll draw lots: 5

You ’ll stand to that?

_Sub._ What else?

_Face._ O, for a suit,

To fall now like a curtain, flap!

_Sub._ To th’ door, man.

_Face._ You ’ll ha’ the first kiss, ’cause I am not ready. [_Exit._]

_Sub._ Yes, and perhaps hit you through both the nostrils.[1963] 9

_Face._ [_within._] Who would you speak with?

_Kas._ [_within._] Where ’s the captain?

_Face._ [_within._] Gone, sir,

About some business.

_Kas._ [_within._] Gone!

_Face._ [_within._] He ’ll return straight.

But, master doctor, his lieutenant, is here.

[_Enter_ KASTRIL, _followed by_ Dame PLIANT.]

_Sub._ Come near, my worshipful boy, _my terræ fili_,

That is, my boy of land; make thy approaches:

Welcome; I know thy lusts and thy desires, 15

And I will serve and satisfy ’em. Begin,

Charge me from thence, or thence, or in this line;

Here is my centre: ground thy quarrel.

_Kas._ You lie.

_Sub._ How, child of wrath and anger! the loud lie?

For what, my sudden boy?

_Kas._ Nay, that look you to, 20

I am aforehand.

_Sub._ O, this is no true grammar,

And as ill logic! You must render causes, child,

Your first and second intentions, know your canons

And your divisions, moods, degrees, and differences,

Your predicaments, substance, and accident, 25

Series extern and intern, with their causes,

Efficient, material, formal, final,

And ha’ your elements perfect?

_Kas._ What is this?

The angry[1964] tongue he talks in?

_Sub._ That false precept,

Of being aforehand, has deceiv’d a number, 30

And made ’em enter quarrels oftentimes

Before they were aware; and afterward,

Against their wills.

_Kas._ How must I do then, sir?

_Sub._ I cry this lady mercy; she should first

Have been saluted. (Kisses her.) I do call you lady, 35

Because you are to be one ere ’t be long,

My soft and buxom widow.

_Kas._ Is she, i’ faith?

_Sub._ Yes, or my art is an egregious liar.

_Kas._ How know you?

_Sub._ By inspection on her forehead, 39

And subtlety of her lip, which must be tasted

Often to make a judgment. (_Kisses her again._) ’Slight, she melts

Like a myrobolane.[1965] Here is yet a line,

In _rivo frontis_,[1966] tells me he is no knight.

_Dame P._ What is he then, sir?

_Sub._ Let me see your hand.

O, your _linea fortunae_ makes it plain; 45

And _stella_ here in _monte Veneris_.

But, most of all, _junctura annularis_.[1967]

He is a soldier, or a man of art, lady,

But shall have some great honour shortly.

_Dame P._ Brother,

He ’s a rare man, believe me!

[_Re-enter_ FACE, _in his uniform_.]

_Kas._ Hold your peace. 50

Here comes t’ other rare man.—’Save you, captain.

_Face._ Good Master Kastril! Is this your sister?

_Kas._ Ay, sir.

Please you to kuss her, and be proud to know her.

_Face._ I shall be proud to know you, lady.

[_Kisses her._]

_Dame P._ Brother,

He calls me lady, too.

_Kas._ Ay, peace: I heard it. 65

[_Takes her aside._]

_Face._ The count is come.

_Sub._ Where is he?

_Face._ At the door.

_Sub._ Why, you must entertain him.

_Face._ What will you do

With these the while?

_Sub._ Why, have ’em up, and show ’em

Some fustian book, or the dark glass.

_Face._ ’Fore God,

She is a delicate dabchick! I must have her. [_Exit._]

_Sub._ [_Aside._] Must you! Ay, if your fortune will, you must.— 61

Come, sir, the captain will come to us presently:

I ’ll ha’ you to my chamber of demonstrations,

Where I ’ll show you both the grammar and logic,

And rhetoric of quarreling; my whole method

Drawn out in tables; and my instrument, 66

That hath the several scales upon ’t shall make you

Able to quarrel at a straw’s-breadth by moonlight.

And, lady, I ’ll have you look in a glass, 69

Some half an hour, but to clear your eyesight,

Against you see[1968] your fortune; which is greater

Than I may judge upon the sudden, trust me. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE III.[1969]

[_Enter_] FACE.

_Face._ Where are you, doctor?

_Sub._ [_within._] I ’ll come to you presently.

_Face._ I will ha’ this same widow, now I ha’ seen her,

On any composition.

[_Enter_ SUBTLE]

_Sub._ What do you say?

_Face._ Ha’ you dispos’d of them?

_Sub._ I ha’ sent ’em up.

_Face._ Subtle, in troth, I needs must have this widow. 5

_Sub._ Is that the matter?

_Face._ Nay, but hear me.

_Sub._ Go to.

If you rebel once, Dol shall know it all:

Therefore be quiet, and obey your chance.

_Face._ Nay, thou art so violent now. Do but conceive,

Thou art old, and canst not serve——

_Sub._ Who cannot? I? 10

’Slight, I will serve her with thee, for a——

_Face._ Nay,

But understand: I’ll gi’ you composition.[1970]

_Sub._ I will not treat with thee. What! sell my fortune?

’T is better than my birthright. Do not murmur:

Win her, and carry her. If you grumble, Dol 15

Knows it directly.

_Face._ Well, sir, I am silent.

Will you go help to fetch in Don in state? [_Exit._]

_Sub._ I follow you, sir. We must keep Face in awe,

Or he will overlook us like a tyrant.

[_Re-enter_ FACE, _introducing_] SURLY _like a Spaniard._

Brain of a tailor! who comes here? Don John!

_Sur. Senores, beso las manos a vuestras mercedes_.[1971] 21

_Sub._ Would you had stoop’d a little, and kist our _anos_.

_Face._ Peace, Subtle!

_Sub._ Stab me; I shall never hold, man.

He looks in that deep ruff like a head in a platter,

Serv’d in by a short cloak upon two trestles. 25

_Face._ Or what do you say to a collar of brawn,[1972] cut down

Beneath the souse,[1973] and wriggled with a knife?

_Sub._ ’Slud, he does look too fat to be a Spaniard.

_Face._ Perhaps some Fleming or some Hollander got him

In d’Alva’s time; Count Egmont’s bastard.

_Sub._ Don, 30

Your scurvy, yellow, Madrid face is welcome.

_Sur. Gratia._

_Sub._ He speaks out of a fortification.

Pray God he ha’ no squibs in those deep sets.[1974]

_Sur. Por dios, senores,[1975] muy linda casa!_

_Sub._ What says he?

_Face._ Praises the house, I think; 35

I know no more but ’s action.

_Sub._ Yes, the _casa_,

My precious Diego, will prove fair enough

To cozen you in. Do you mark? You shall

Be cozened, Diego.[1976]

_Face._ Cozened, do you see,

My worthy Donzel,[1977] cozened.

_Sur._ _Entiendo._[1978] 40

_Sub._ Do you intend it? So do we, dear Don.

Have you brought pistolets[1979] or portagues,

My solemn Don? [_To_ FACE.] Dost thou feel any?

_Face._ (_Feels his pockets._) Full.

_Sub._ You shall be emptied, Don, pumped and drawn

Dry, as they say.

_Face._ Milked, in troth, sweet Don. 45

_Sub._ See all the monsters; the great lion of all, Don.

_Sur. Con licencia, se puede ver a esta senora?_[1980]

_Sub._ What talks he now?

_Face._ Of the senora.

_Sub._ O, Don,

This is the lioness, which you shall see

Also, my _Don_.

_Face._ ’Slid, Subtle, how shall we do? 50

_Sub._ For what?

_Face._ Why, Dol’s employ’d, you know.

_Sub._ That ’s true.

’Fore heav’n I know not: he must stay, that ’s all.

_Face._ Stay! that he must not by no means.

_Sub._ No! why?

_Face._ Unless you ’ll mar all. ’Slight, he ’ll suspect it;

And then he will not pay, not half so well. 55

This is a travell’d punk-master, and does know

All the delays; a notable hot rascal,

And looks already rampant.

_Sub._ ’Sdeath, and Mammon

Must not be troubled.

_Face._ Mammon! in no case.

_Sub._ What shall we do then?

_Face._ Think: you must be sudden.[1981] 60

_Sur. Entiendo que la senora es tan hermosa, que codicio tan a verla

como la bien aventuranza de mi vida._[1982]

_Face. Mi vida!_ ’Slid, Subtle, he puts me in mind o’ the widow.

What dost thou say to draw her to ’t, ha! 65

And tell her ’t is her fortune? All our venture

Now lies upon ’t. It is but one man more,

Which on’s chance to have her: and beside,

There is no maidenhead to be fear’d or lost.

What dost thou think on ’t, Subtle?

_Sub._ Who, I? why—— 70

_Face._ The credit of our house too is engag’d.[1983]

_Sub._ You made me an offer for my share ere-while.

What wilt thou gi’ me, i’ faith?

_Face._ O, by that light

I’ll not buy now. You know your doom[1984] to me.

E’en take your lot, obey your chance, sir; win her, 75

And wear her—out for me.

_Sub._ ’Slight, I’ll not work her then.

_Face._ It is the common cause; therefore bethink you.

Dol else must know it, as you said.

_Sub._ I care not.

_Sur. Senores, porque se tarda tanto?_[1985]

_Sub._ Faith, I am not fit. I am old.

_Face._ That’s now no reason, sir.

_Sur. Puede ser de hazer burla de mi amor?_“[1986] 81

_Face._ You hear the Don too? By this air I call,

And loose the hinges. Dol!

_Sub._ A plague of hell——

_Face._ Will you then do?

_Sub._ You ’re a terrible rogue!

I’ll think of this. Will you, sir, call the widow?

_Face._ Yes, and I’ll take her too with all her faults, 86

Now I do think on ’t better.

_Sub._ With all my heart, sir;

Am I discharg’d o’ the lot?

_Face._ As you please.

_Sub._ Hands. [_They shake hands._]

_Face._ Remember now, that upon any change

You never claim her.

_Sub._ Much good joy and health to you, sir, 90

Marry a whore! Fate, let me wed a witch first.

_Sur. Por estas honradas barbas_[1987]——

_Sub._ He swears by his beard.

Dispatch, and call the brother too. [_Exit_ FACE.]

_Sur. Tengo duda, senores, que no me hagan alguna traycion._[1988] 95

_Sub._ How, issue on? Yes, _praesto, senor_.

Please you

_Enthratha_ the _chambratha_, worthy don:

Where if you please the fates, in your _bathada_,

You shall be soak’d, and strok’d, and tubb’d, and rubb’d,

And scrubb’d, and fubb’d,[1989] dear don, before you go. 100

You shall in faith, my scurvy baboon don,

Be curried, claw’d, and flaw’d,[1990] and taw’d,[1991] indeed.

I will the heartlier go about it now,

And make the widow a punk so much the sooner,

To be reveng’d on this impetuous Face: 105

The quickly doing of it is the grace.

[_Exeunt_ SUB. _and_ SURLY.]

SCENE IV.[1992]

[_Enter_] FACE, KASTRIL, _and_ Dame PLIANT.

[_Face._] Come, lady: I knew the doctor would not leave

Till he had found the very nick of her fortune.

_Kas._ To be a conntess, say you?

[_Face._][1993] A Spanish countess, sir.

_Dame P._ Why, is that better than an English countess?

_Face._ Better! ’Slight, make you that a question, lady? 5

_Kas._ Nay, she is a fool, captain, you must pardon her.

_Face._ Ask from your courtier to your inns-of-court-man,

To your mere milliner; they will tell you all,

Your Spanish jennet is the best horse; your Spanish

Stoop is the best garb;[1994] your Spanish beard 10

Is the best cut; your Spanish ruffs are the best

Wear; your Spanish pavin the best dance;

Your Spanish titillation in a glove

The best perfume: and for your Spanish pike,

And Spanish blade, let your poor captain speak.—

Here comes the doctor.

[_Enter_ SUBTLE _with a paper._]

_Sub._ My most honour’d lady,

For so I am now to style you, having found

By this my scheme,[1995] you are to undergo

An honourable fortune very shortly, 19

What will you say now, if some——

_Face._ I ha’ told her all, sir,

And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall be

A countess; do not delay ’em, sir; a Spanish countess.

_Sub._ Still, my scarce-worshipful captain, you can keep

No secret! Well, since he has told you, madam,

Do you forgive him, and I do.

_Kas._ She shall do that, sir; 25

I ’ll look to it; ’t is my charge.

_Sub._ Well then: nought rests

But that she fit her love now to her fortune.

_Dame P._ Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard.

_Sub._ No?

_Dame P._ Never sin’ eighty-eight[1996] could I abide ’em,

And that was some three years afore I was born, in truth. 30

_Sub._ Come, you must love him, or be miserable;

Choose which you will.

_Face._ By this good rush, persuade her,

She will cry[1997] strawberries else within this twelve month.

_Sub._ Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse.

_Face._ Indeed, sir!

_Kas._ God’s lid, you shall love him, or I ’ll kick you.

_Dame P._ Why, 35

I ’ll do as you will ha’ me, brother.

_Kas._ Do,

Or by this hand I ’ll maul you.

_Face._ Nay, good sir,

Be not so fierce.

_Sub._ No, my enraged child;

She will be rul’d. What, when she comes to taste

The pleasures of a countess! to be courted—— 40

_Face._ And kiss’d and ruffled!

_Sub._ Ay, behind the hangings.

_Face._ And then come forth in pomp!

_Sub._ And know her state!

_Face._ Of keeping all th’ idolators o’ the chamber

Barer to her, than at their prayers!

_Sub._ Is serv’d

Upon the knee!

_Face._ And has her pages, ushers, 45

Footmen, and coaches——

_Sub._ Her six mares——

_Face._ Nay, eight!

_Sub._ To hurry her through London, to th’ Exchange.[1998]

Bet’lem,[1999] the China-houses[2000]——

_Face._ Yes, and have

The citizens gape at her, and praise her tires,[2001]

And my lord’s goose-turd bands,[2002] that rides with her! 50

_Kas._ Most brave! By this hand, you are not my suster

If you refuse.

_Dame P._ I will not refuse, brother.

[_Enter_ SURLY.]

_Sur. Que es esto, senores, que non se venga?

Esta tardanza me mata!_[2003]

_Face._ It is the count come:

The doctor knew he would be here, by his art.

_Sub. En gallanta, madama, Don! gallantissima!_ 56

_Sur. Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada

Hermosura, que he visto en ma vida!_[2004]

_Face._ Is ’t not a gallant language that they speak?

_Kas._ An admirable language! Is ’t not French? 60

_Face._ No, Spanish, sir.

_Kas._ It goes like law French,

And that, they say, is the court-liest language.

_Face._ List, sir.

_Sur. El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el

Resplandor que trae esta dana! Valga me dios!_[2005]

_Face._ H’ s your sister.

_Kas._ Must not she make curt’sy. 65

_Sub._ ’Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him!

It is the Spanish fashion, for the women

To make first court.

_Face._ ’T is true he tells you, sir:

His art knows all.

_Sur._ _Porque no se acude?_[2006]

_Kas._ He speaks to her, I think.

_Fact._ That he does, sir. 70

_Sur. Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tarda?_[2007]

_Kas._ Nay, see: she will not understand him! Gull, Noddy.

_Dame P._ What say you, brother?

_Kas._ Ass, my suster,

Go kuss him, as the cunning man would ha’ you;

I ’ll thrust a pin i’ your buttocks else.

_Face._ O no, sir. 75

_Sur. Senora mia, mi persona muy indigna esta

Allegar a tanta hermosura._[2008]

_Face._ Does he not use her bravely?

_Kas._ Bravely, i’ faith!

_Face._ Nay, he will use her better.

_Kas._ Do you think so?

_Sur. Senora, si sera servida, entremos._[2009] 80

[_Exit with_ Dame PLIANT.]

_Kas._ Where does he carry her?

_Face._ Into the garden, sir;

Take you no thought: I must interpret for her.

_Sub._ Give Dol the word.

[_Aside to_ FACE, _who goes out_.]

—Come, my fierce child, advance,

We’ll to our quarreling lesson again.

_Kas._ Agreed.

I love a Spanish boy with all my heart. 85

_Sub._ Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother

To a great count.

_Kas._ Ay, I knew that at first.

This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.

_Sub._ ’Pray God your sister prove but pliant!

_Kas._ Why,

Her name is so, by her other husband.

_Sub._ How! 90

_Kas._ The Widow Pliant. Knew you not that?

_Sub._ No, faith, sir;

Yet, by the erection of her figure,[2010] I guess’d it.

Come, let ’s go practise.

_Kas._ Yes, but do you think, doctor,

I e’er shall quarrel well?

_Sub._ I warrant you. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE V.[2011]

[_Enter_] DOL [_followed by_] MAMMON.

DOL (_in her fit of talking_). _For after Alexander’s death_——[2012]

_Mam._ Good lady——

_Dol. That Perdiccas and Antigonus were slain,

The two that stood, Seleuc’ and Ptolomy_——

_Mam._ Madam—

_Dol. Make up the two legs, and the fourth beast,

That was Gog-north and Egypt-south: which after 5

Was called Gog-iron-leg and South-iron-leg_——

_Mam._ Lady——

_Dol. And then Gog-horned. So was Egypt, too:

Then Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-leg_——

_Mam._ Sweet madam——

_Dol. And last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fall

In the last link of the fourth chain. And these_ 10

_Be stars in story, which none see, or look at_——

_Mam._ What shall I do?

_Dol._ _For_, as he says, _except

We call the rabbins, and the heathen Greeks_——

_Mam._ Dear lady——

_Dol._ _To come from Salem, and from Athens,

And teach the people of Great Britain_——

[_Enter_ FACE _hastily, in his servant’s dress_.]

_Face._ What’s the matter, sir? 15

_Dol. To speak the tongue of Eber and Javan_——

_Mam._ O,

She’s in her fit.

_Dol._ _We shall know nothing_——

_Face._ Death, sir.

We are undone!

_Dol._ _Where then a learned linguist

Shall see the ancient us’d communion

Of vowels and consonants_——

_Face._ My master will hear! 20

_Dol. A wisdom, which Pythagoras held most high_——

_Mam._ Sweet honourable lady!

_Dol._ _To comprise

All sounds of voices, in few marks of letters._

_Face._ Nay, you must never hope to lay her now.

(_They all speak together._)

_Dol. And so we may arrive by Talmud skill,[2013]

And profane Greek, to raise the building up 26

Of Helen’s house against the Ismaelite,

King of Thogarma, and his habergions

Brimstony, blue, and fiery; and the force

Of king Abaddon, and the beast of Cittim: 30

Which rabbi David Kimchi, Onkelos,

And Aben Ezra do interpret Rome._

_Face._ How did you put her into’t?

_Mam._ Alas, I talkt

Of a fifth monarchy I would erect 34

With the philosopher’s stone, by chance, and she

Falls on the other four straight.

_Face._ Out of Broughton!

I told you so. ’Slid, stop her mouth.

_Mam._ Is’t best?

_Face._ She’ll never leave else. If the old man hear her,

We are but faeces, ashes.

_Sub._ [_within._] What’s to do there?

_Face._ O, we are lost! Now she hears him, she is quiet. 40

[_Enter_ SUBTLE;] _upon_ SUBTLE’s _entry they disperse_.

_Mam._ Where shall I hide me!

_Sub._ How! What sight is here?

Close[2014] deeds of darkness, and that shun the light!

Bring him again. Who is he? What, my son!

O, I have liv’d too long.

_Mam._ Nay, good, dear father,

There was no unchaste purpose.

_Sub._ Not? and flee me 45

When I come in?

_Mam._ That was my error.

_Sub._ Error?

Guilt, guilt, my son; give it the right name. No marvel

If I found check in our great work within,

When such affairs as these were managing! 49

_Mam._ Why, have you so?

_Sub._ It has stood still this half hour:

And all the rest of our less works gone back.

Where is the instrument of wickedness,

My lewd false drudge?

_Mam._ Nay, good sir, blame not him;

Believe me, ’t was against his will or knowledge: 54

I saw her by chance.

_Sub._ Will you commit more sin,

T’excuse a varlet?

_Mam._ By my hope, ’t is true, sir.

_Sub._ Nay, then I wonder less, if you, for whom

The blessing was prepar’d, would so tempt heaven,

And lose your fortunes.

_Mam._ Why, sir?

_Sub._ This will retard

The work a month at least.

_Mam._ Why, if it do, 60

What remedy? But think it not, good father:

Our purposes were honest.[2015]

_Sub._ As they were,

So the reward will prove. (_A great crack and noise within_.)—How

now! ay me!

God and all saints be good to us.——

[_Re-enter_ FACE.]

What ’s that? 64

_Face._ O, sir, we are defeated! All the works

Are flown _in fumo_,[2016] every glass is burst;

Furnace and all rent down, as if a bolt

Of thunder had been driven through the house.

Retorts, receivers, pelicans,[2017] bolt heads,[2018] 69

All struck in shivers!

(SUBTLE _falls down as in a swoon_.)

Help, good sir! alas,

Coldness and death invades him. Nay, Sir Mammon,

Do the fair offices of a man! You stand,

As you were readier to depart than he.

(_One knocks_.)

Who’s there? My lord her brother is come.

_Mam._ Ha, Lungs!

_Face._ His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight, 75

For he ’s as furious as his sister ’s mad.

_Mam._ Alas!

_Face._ My brain is quite undone with the fume, sir,

I ne’er must hope to be mine own man again.

_Mam._ Is all lost, Lungs? Will nothing be preserv’d

Of all our cost?

_Face._ Faith, very little, sir; 80

A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir.

_Mam._ O, my voluptuous mind! I am justly punish’d.

_Face._ And so am I, sir.

_Mam._ Cast from all my hopes——

_Face._ Nay, certainties, sir.

_Mam._ By mine own base affections.

_Sub._ (_seeming to come to himself._) O, the curst

fruits of vice and lust!

_Mam._ Good father, 85

It was my sin. Forgive it.

_Sub._ Hangs my roof

Over us still, and will not fall, O justice,

Upon us, for this wicked man!

_Face._ Nay, look, sir,

You grieve him now with staying in his sight.

Good sir, the nobleman will come too, and take you, 90

And that may breed a tragedy.

_Mam._ I’ll go.

_Face._ Ay, and repent at home, sir. It may be,

For some good penance you may ha’ it yet;

A hundred pound to the box at Bet’lem[2019]——

_Mam._ Yes.

_Face._ For the restoring such as—ha’ their wits.

_Mam._ I’ll do ’t. 95

_Face._ I’ll send one to you to receive it.

_Mam._ Do.

Is no projection left?

_Face._ All flown, or stinks, sir.

_Mam._ Will nought be sav’d that’s good for

med’cine, think’st thou?

_Face._ I cannot tell, sir. There will be perhaps

Something about the scraping of the shards, 100

Will cure the itch,—though not your itch of mind, sir. [_Aside._]

It shall be sav’d for you, and sent home. Good sir,

This way, for fear the lord shall meet you.

[_Exit_ MAMMON.]

_Sub._ [_raising his head_.] Face!

_Face._ Ay.

_Sub._ Is he gone?

_Face._ Yes, and as heavily

As all the gold he hop’d for were in’s blood. 105

Let us be light though.

_Sub._ [_leaping up_.] Ay, as balls, and bound

And hit our heads against the roof for joy;

There ’s so much of our care now cast away.

_Face._ Now to our don.

_Sub._ Yes, your young widow by this time

Is made a countess, Face; she’s been in travail 100

Of a young heir for you.

_Face._ Good, sir.

_Sub._ Off with your case,[2020]

And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should,

After these common hazards.

_Face._ Very well, sir.

Will you go fetch Don Diego off the while?

_Sub._ And fetch him over too, if you’ll be pleas’d, sir. 115

Would Dol were in her place, to pick his pockets now!

_Face._ Why, you can do’t as well, if you would set to’t.

I pray you prove your virtue.[2021]

_Sub._ For your sake, sir. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE VI.[2022]

[_Enter_] SURLY _and_ Dame PLIANT.

_Sur._ Lady, you see into what hands you are fall’n;

’Mongst what a nest of villains! and how near

Your honour was t’ have catch’d a certain clap,

Through your credulity, had I but been

So punctually forward, as place, time, 5

And other circumstance would ha’ made a man;

For you’re a handsome woman: would you were wise too!

I am a gentleman come here disguis’d,

Only to find the knaveries of this citadel;

And where I might have wrong’d your honour, and have not, 10

I claim some interest in your love. You are,

They say, a widow, rich; and I’m a bachelor.

Worth nought: your fortunes may make me a man,

As mine ha’ preserv’d you a woman. Think upon it,

And whether I have deserv’d you or no.

_Dame P._ I will, sir. 15

_Sur._ And for these household-rogues, let me alone

To treat with them.

[_Enter_ SUBTLE.]

_Sub._ How doth my noble Diego,

And my dear madam countess? Hath the count

Been courteous, lady? liberal and open?

Donzel,[2023] methinks you look melancholic, 20

I do not like the dulness of your eye;

It hath a heavy cast, ’t is upsee Dutch,[2024]

And says you are a lumpish whore-master.

Be lighter, I will make your pockets so.

(_He falls to picking of them_.)

_Sur._ [_throws open his cloak_.] Will you, don bawd and pick-purse?

[_Strikes him down_.] How now! Reel you? 25

Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy,

I’ll gi’ you equal weight.

_Sub._ Help! murder!

_Sur._ No, sir,

There ’s no such thing intended. A good cart[2025]

And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear.

I am the Spanish don that should be cozened, 30

Do you see? Cozened? Where’s your Captain Face,

That parcel[2026]-broker, and whole-bawd, all rascal?

[_Enter_ FACE _in his uniform_.]

_Face._ How, Surly!

_Sur._ O, make your approach, good captain.

I’ve found from whence your copper rings and spoons

Come now, wherewith, you cheat abroad in taverns. 35

’T was here you learn’d t’anoint your boot with brimstone,

Then rub men’s gold on’t for a kind of touch,

And say, ’t was naught, when you had chang’d the colour,

That you might ha’t for nothing. And this doctor,

Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he 40

Will close you so much gold, in a bolt’s-head,

And, on a turn, convey i’ the stead another

With sublim’d mercury, that shall burst i’ the heat,

And fly out all _in fumo_! Then weeps Mammon;

Then swoons his worship. Or, [FACE _slips out_.] he is the Faustus, 45

That casteth figures[2027] and can conjure, cures

Plagues, piles, and pox, by the ephemerides.[2028]

And holds intelligence with all the bawds

And midwives of three shires: while you send in——

Captain!—what! is he gone?—damsels with child, 50

Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maid

With the green sickness. [_Seizes_ SUBTLE _as he is retiring_.]

—Nay, sir, you must tarry,

Though he be scap’d; and answer by the ears, sir.

SCENE VII.[2029]

[_Re-enter_] FACE [_with_] KASTRIL [_to_] SURLY [_and_] SUBTLE.

_Face._ Why, now’s the time, if ever you will quarrel

Well, as they say, and be a true-born child:

The doctor and your sister both are abus’d.[2030]

_Kas._ Where is he? Which is he? He is a slave,

Whate’er he is, and the son of a whore.—Are you 5

The man, sir, I would know?

_Sur._ I should be loth, sir.

To confess so much.

_Kas._ Then you lie i’ your throat.

_Sur._ How!

_Face._ [_To_ KASTRIL.] A very arrant rogue, sir, and a cheater,

Employ’d here by another conjurer

That does not love the doctor, and would cross him 10

If he knew how.

_Sur._ Sir, you are abus’d.

_Kas._ You lie;

And ’t is no matter.

_Face._ Well said, sir! He is

The impudent’st rascal——

_Sur._ You are indeed. Will you hear me, sir?

_Face._ By no means: bid him be gone.

_Kas._ Begone, sir, quickly.

_Sur._ This is strange!—Lady, do you inform your brother. 15

_Face._ There is not such a foist[2031] in all the town.

The doctor had him presently; and finds yet

The Spanish count will come here.—Bear up,

Subtle. [_Aside._]

_Sub._ Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.

_Face._ And yet this rogue would come in a disguise, 20

By the temptation of another spirit,

To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it!

_Kas._ Ay,

I know—Away, [_To his sister_.] you talk like a foolish

mauther.[2032]

_Sur._ Sir, all is truth she says.

_Face._ Do not believe him, sir. 24

He is the lying’st swabber! Come your ways, sir.

_Sur._ You are valiant out of company!

_Kas._ Yes, how then, sir?

[_Enter_ DRUGGER _with a piece of damask_.]

_Face._ Nay, here’s an honest fellow too that knows him,

And all his tricks. (Make good what I say, Abel.)

This cheater would ha’ cozen’d thee o’ the widow.— [_Aside to_ DRUG.]

He owes this honest Drugger here seven pound,

He has had on him in twopenny’orths of tobacco. 31

_Drug._ Yes, sir. And he has damn’d himself three terms to pay me.

_Face._ And what does he owe for lotium?[2033]

_Drug._ Thirty shillings, sir;

And for six syringes.

_Sur._ Hydra of villainy!

_Face._ Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o’the house.

_Kas._ I will; 35

—Sir, if you get not out o’ doors, you lie;

And you are a pimp.

_Sur._ Why, this is madness, sir,

Not valour in you; I must laugh at this.

_Kas._ It is my humour; you are a pimp and a trig.[2034]

And an Amadis de Gaul, or a Don Quixote. 40

_Drug._ Or a knight o’ the curious coxcomb, do you see?

[_Enter_ ANANIAS.]

_Ana._ Peace to the household!

_Kas._ I’ll keep peace for no man.

_Ana._ Casting of dollars is concluded lawful.

_Kas._ Is he the constable?

_Sub._ Peace, Ananias.

_Face._ No, sir.

_Kas._ Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit, 45

A very tim.[2035]

_Sur._ You’ll hear me, sir?

_Kas._ I will not.

_Ana._ What is the motive?

_Sub._ Zeal in the young gentleman,

Against his Spanish slops.

_Ana._ They are profane,

Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches.

_Sur._ New rascals!

_Kas._ Will you be gone, sir?

_Ana._ Avoid, Sathan! 50

Thou art not of the light! That ruff of pride

About thy neck, betrays thee; and is the same

With that which the unclean birds, in seventy-seven,[2036]

Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts:

Thou look’st like antichrist, in that lewd hat. 55

_Sur._ I must give way.

_Kas._ Be gone, sir.

_Sur._ But I’ll take

A course with you.——

_Ana._ Depart, proud Spanish fiend!

_Sur._ Captain and doctor.

_Ana._ Child of perdition!

_Kas._ Hence, sir!—[_Exit_ SURLY.]

Did I not quarrel bravely?

_Face._ Yes, indeed, sir.

_Kas._ Nay, an I give my mind to’t, I shall do’t. 60

_Face._ O, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame:

He’ll turn again else.

_Kas._ I’ll re-turn him then. [_Exit._]

_Face._ Drugger, this rogue prevented us, for thee:

We had determin’d that thou should’st ha’ come

In a Spanish suit, and ha’ carried her so; and he, 65

A brokerly slave, goes, puts it on himself.

Hast brought the damask?

_Drug._ Yes, sir.

_Face._ Thou must borrow

A Spanish suit. Hast thou no credit with the players?

_Drug._ Yes, sir; did you never see me play the Fool?

_Face._ I know not, Nab;—thou shalt, if I can help it.—[_Aside._] 70

Hieronimo’s[2037] old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve;

I’ll tell thee more when thou bring’st ’em.

[_Exit_ DRUGGER.] SUBTLE _hath whisper’d with_ ANAN. _this while_.

_Ana._ Sir, I know.

The Spaniard hates the brethren, and hath spies

Upon their actions: and that this was one

I make no scruple.—But the holy synod 75

Have been in prayer and meditation for it;

And ’t is reveal’d no less to them than me,

That casting of money is most lawful.

_Sub._ True.

But here I cannot do it: if the house

Should chance to be suspected, all would out, 80

And we be lock’d up in the Tower for ever,

To make gold there for th’ state, never come out;

And then are you defeated.

_Ana._ I will tell

This to the elders and the weaker brethren,

That the whole company of the separation 85

May join in humble prayer again.

_Sub._ And fasting.

_Ana._ Yea, for some fitter place. The peace of mind

Rest with these walls! [_Exit._]

_Sub._ Thanks, courteous Ananias.

_Face._ What did he come for?

_Sub._ About casting dollars,

Presently out of hand. And so I told him, 90

A Spanish minister came here to spy,

Against the faithful——-

_Face._ I conceive. Come, Subtle,

Thou art so down upon the least disaster!

How wouldst thou ha’ done, if I had not helpt thee out?

_Sub._ I thank thee, Face, for the angry boy, i’ faith. 95

_Face._ Who would ha’ lookt[2038] it should ha’ been that rascal

Surly? He had dy’d his beard and all. Well, sir.

Here ’s damask come to make you a suit.

_Sub._ Where ’s Drugger?

_Face._ He is gone to borrow me a Spanish habit; 99

I ’ll be the count now.

_Sub._ But where ’s the widow?

_Face._ Within, with my lord’s sister; Madam Dol

Is entertaining her.

_Sub._ By your favour, Face,

Now she is honest, I will stand again.

_Face._ You will not offer it?

_Sub._ Why?

_Face._ Stand to your word,

Or—here comes Dol. She knows——

_Sub._ You ’re tyrannous still. 105

[_Enter_ DOL _hastily_.]

_Face._—Strict for my right.—How now, Dol! Hast told her,

The Spanish count will come?

_Dol._ Yes; but another is come,

You little lookt for!

_Face._ Who ’s that?

_Dol._ Your master;

The master of the house.

_Sub._ How, Dol!

_Face._ She lies,

This is some trick. Come, leave your quiblins,[2039] Dorothy. 110

_Dol._ Look out and see.

[FACE _goes to the window_.]

_Sub._ Art thou in earnest?

_Dol._ ’Slight,

Forty o’ the neighbours are about him, talking.

_Face._ ’T is he, by this good day.

_Dol._ ’T will prove ill day

For some on us.

_Face._ We are undone, and taken.

_Dol._ Lost, I’m afraid.

_Sub._ You said he would not come, 115

While there died one a week within the liberties.[2040]

_Face._ No: ’t was within the walls.

_Sub._ Was ’t so? Cry you mercy.

I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, Face?

_Face._ Be silent: not a word, if he call or knock. 119

I ’ll into mine old shape again and meet him,

Of Jeremy, the butler. I’ the meantime,

Do you two pack up all the goods and purchase[2041]

That we can carry i’ the two trunks. I ’ll keep him

Off for to-day, if I cannot longer: and then 124

At night, I ’ll ship you both away to Ratcliff,

Where we will meet to-morrow, and there we ’ll share.

Let Mammon’s brass and pewter keep the cellar;

We ’ll have another time for that. But, Dol,

Prithee go heat a little water quickly; 129

Subtle must shave me. All my captain’s beard

Must off, to make me appear smooth Jeremy.

You ’ll do it?

_Sub._ Yes, I ’ll shave you as well as I can.

_Face._ And not cut my throat, but trim me?

_Sub._ You shall see, sir. [_Exeunt._]

ACT V

SCENE I.[2042]

[_Enter_] LOVEWIT, [_with several of the_] Neighbours.

_Love._ Has there been such resort, say you?

_1 Nei._ Daily, Sir.

_2 Nei._ And nightly, too.

_3 Nei._ Ay, some as brave as lords.

_4 Nei._ Ladies and gentlewomen.

_5 Nei._ Citizens’ wives.

_1 Nei._ And knights.

_6 Nei._ In coaches.

_2 Nei._ Yes, and oyster-women.

_1 Nei._ Beside other gallants.

_3 Nei._ Sailors’ wives.

_4 Nei._ Tobacco men. 5

_5 Nei._ Another Pimlico.[2043]

_Love._ What should my knave advance,

To draw this company? He hung out no banners

Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen,

Or a huge lobster with six claws?

_6 Nei._ No, sir.

_3 Nei._ We had gone in then, sir.

_Love._ He has no gift 10

Of teaching i’ the nose[2044] that e’er I knew of.

You saw no bills set up that promis’d cure

Of agues or the tooth-ache?

_2 Nei._ No such thing, sir!

_Love._ Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?

_5 Nei._ Neither, sir.

_Love._ What device should he bring forth now? 15

I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment:

’Pray God he ha’ not kept such open house,

That he hath sold my hangings, and my bedding!

I left him nothing else. If he have eat ’em, 19

A plague o’ the moth, say I! Sure he has got

Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging;[2045]

The Friar and the Nun; or the new motion[2046]

Of the knight’s courser covering the parson’s mare;

The boy of six year old, with the great thing: 24

Or ’t may be, he has the fleas that run at tilt

Upon a table, or some dog to dance.

When saw you him?

_1 Nei._ Who, sir, Jeremy?

_2 Nei._ Jeremy butler?

We saw him not this month.

_Love._ How!

_4 Nei._ Not these five weeks, sir.

_[6] Nei._ These six weeks, at the least.

_Love._ You amaze me, neighbours!

_5 Nei._ Sure, if your worship know not where he is, 30

He’s slipt away.

_6 Nei._ Pray God he be not made away.

_He knocks._

_Love._ Ha! it’s no time to question, then.

_6 Nei._ About

Some three weeks since I heard a doleful cry,

As I sat up a-mending my wife’s stockings.

_Love._ This ’s strange that none will answer!

Did’st thou hear 35

A cry, sayst thou?

_6 Nei._ Yes, sir, like unto a man

That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.

_2 Nei._ I heard it, too, just this day three weeks, at two o’clock

Next morning.

_Love._ These be miracles, or you make ’em so!

A man an hour strangled, and could not speak,

And both you heard him cry?

_3 Nei._ Yes, downward, sir. 41

_Love._ Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee.

What trade art thou on?

_3 Nei._ A smith, an ’t please your worship.

_Love._ A smith! Then lend me thy help to get this door open.

_3 Nei._ That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools—[_Exit._] 45

_1 Nei._ Sir, best to knock again afore you break it.

SCENE II.[2047]

LOVEWIT, Neighbours.

[_LOVE._ _Knocks again._] I will.

[_Enter_ FACE _in his butler’s livery_.]

_Face._ What mean you, sir?

_1, 2, 4 Nei._ O, here’s Jeremy!

_Face._ Good sir, come from the door.

_Love._ Why, what is the matter?

_Face._ Yet farther, you are too near yet.

_Love._ I’ the name of wonder,

What means the fellow!

_Face._ The house, sir, has been visited.

_Love._ What, with the plague? Stand thou then farther.

_Face._ No, sir,

I had it not.

_Love._ Who had it then? I left

None else but thee ’i the house.

_Face._ Yes, sir, my fellow,

The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her

A week before I spied it; but I got her

Convey’d away i’ the night: and so I shut 10

The house for a month——

_Love._ How!

_Face._ Purposing then, sir,

To have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar,

And ha’ made it sweet, that you should ne’er ha’ known it;

Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

_Love._ Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger; 15

The neighbours tell me all here that the doors

Have still been open——

_Face._ How, sir!

_Love._ Gallants, men and women,

And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here

In threaves,[2048] these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden,

In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright.[2049]

_Face._ Sir, 20

Their wisdoms will not say so.

_Love._ To-day they speak

Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood

Went in, they tell me; and another was seen

In a velvet gown at the window: divers more

Pass in and out.

_Face._ They did pass through the doors then,

Or walls, I assure their eye-sights, and their spectacles; 26

For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been,

In this my pocket, now above twenty days!

And for before, I kept the fort alone there.

But that ’t is yet not deep i’ the afternoon, 30

I should believe my neighbours had seen double

Through the black pot,[2050] and made these apparitions!

For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks

And upwards, the door has not been open’d.

_Love._ Strange!

_1 Nei._ Good faith, I think I saw a coach.

_2 Nei._ And I too, 35

I’d ha’ been sworn.

_Love._ Do you but think it now?

And but one coach?

_4 Nei._ We cannot tell, sir: Jeremy

Is a very honest fellow.

_Face._ Did you see me at all?

_1 Nei._ No; that we are sure on.

_2 Nei._ I ’ll be sworn o’ that.

_Love._ Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on! 40

[_Re-enter third_ Neighbour, _with his tools_.]

_3 Nei._ Is Jeremy come!

_1 Nei._ O yes; you may leave your tools;

We were deceiv’d, he says.

_2 Nei._ He ’s had the keys;

And the door has been shut these three weeks.

_3 Nei._ Like enough.

_Love._ Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

[_Enter_ SURLY _and_ MAMMON.]

_Face._ [_Aside._] Surly come,

And Mammon made acquainted! They ’ll tell all. 45

How shall I beat them off? What shall I do?

Nothing ’s more wretched than a guilty conscience.

SCENE III.[2051]

SURLY, MAMMON, LOVEWIT, FACE, Neighbours.

_Sur._ No, sir, he was a great physician. This,

It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel!

You knew the lord and his sister.

_Mam._ Nay, good Surly.——

_Sur._ The happy word, BE RICH——

_Mam._ Play not the tyrant.—

_Sur._ Should be to-day pronounc’d to all your friends. 5

And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots,

That should ha’ been golden flagons, and great wedges?

_Mam._ Let me but breathe. What, they ha’ shut their doors,

Methinks! _He and_ SURLY _knock_.

_Sur._ Ay, now ’tis holiday with them.

_Mam._ Rogues,

Cozeners, impostors, bawds!

_Face._ What mean you, sir? 10

_Mam._ To enter if we can.

_Face._ Another man’s house!

Here is the owner, sir; turn you to him,

And speak your business.

_Mam._ Are you, sir, the owner?

_Love._ Yes, sir.

_Mam._ And are those knaves within, your cheaters!

_Love._ What knaves, what cheaters?

_Mam._ Subtle and his Lungs. 15

_Face._ The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs

Nor lights ha’ been seen here these three weeks, sir,

Within these doors upon my word.

_Sur._ Your word,

Groom arrogant!

_Face._ Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,

And know the keys ha’ not been out o’ my hands. 20

_Sur._ This ’s a new Face.

_Face._ You do mistake the house, sir;

What sign was ’t at?

_Sur._ You rascal! This is one

Of the confederacy. Come, let ’s get officers,

And force the door.

_Love._ Pray you stay, gentlemen.

_Sur._ No, sir, we ’ll come with warrant.

_Mam._ Ay, and then 25

We shall ha’ your doors open.

[_Exeunt_ MAM. _and_ SUR.]

_Love._ What means this?

_Face._ I cannot tell, sir.

_1 Nei._ These are two o’ the gallants

That we do think we saw.

_Face._ Two o’ the fools!

You talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,

I think the moon has craz’d ’em all.—[_Aside._] O me, 30

[_Enter_ KASTRIL.]

The angry boy come too! He ’ll make a noise,

And ne’er away till he have betray’d us all.

_Kas._ (_knocking._) What, rogues, bawds, slaves, you ’ll open the

door anon!

Punk, cockatrice, my suster! By this light 34

I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore

To keep your castle——

_Face._ Who would you speak with, sir?

_Kas._ The bawdy doctor, and the cozening captain,

And puss my suster.

_Love._ This is something, sure.

_Face._ Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.

_Kas._ I have heard all their tricks told me twice over, 40

By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.

_Love._ Here comes another.

[_Enter_ ANANIAS _and_ TRIBULATION.]

_Face._ Ananias too!

And his pastor!

_Tri._ The doors are shut against us.

_They beat too, at the door._

_Ana._ Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!

Your stench it is broke forth; abomination 45

Is in the house.

_Kas._ Ay, my suster ’s there.

_Ana._ The place,

It is become a cage of unclean birds.

_Kas._ Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.

_Tri._ You shall do well.

_Ana._ We ’ll join to weed them out.

_Kas._ You will not come then, punk devise,[2052] my suster! 50

_Ana._ Call her not sister; she ’s a harlot verily.

_Kas._ I ’ll raise the street.

_Love._ Good gentleman, a word.

_Ana._ Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal!

[_Exeunt_ ANA., TRIB., _and_ KAST.]

_Love._ The world ’s turn’d Bet’lem.

_Face._ These are all broke loose,

Out of St. Katherine’s, where they use to keep

The better sort of mad-folks.

_1 Nei._ All these persons 55

We saw go in and out here.

_2 Nei._ Yes, indeed, sir.

_3 Nei._ These were the parties.

_Face._ Peace, you drunkards! Sir,

I wonder at it. Please you to give me leave

To touch the door; I ’ll try an the lock be chang’d. 60

_Love._ It mazes me!

_Face._ [_goes to the door._] Good faith, sir, I believe

There ’s no such thing: ’t is all _deceptio visus_.[2053]—

[_Aside._] Would I could get him away.

_Dap._ [_within._] Master captain! Master doctor!

_Love._ Who ’s that?

_Face._ [_Aside._] Our clerk within, that I

forgot!—I—I know not, sir. 65

_Dap._ [_within._] For God’s sake, when will her grace be at leisure?

_Face._ Ha!

Illusions, some spirit o’ the air!—[_Aside._] His gag is melted,

And now he sets out the throat.

_Dap._ [_within._] I am almost stifled——

_Face._ [_Aside._] Would you were together.

_Love._ ’T is i’ the house.

Ha! list.

_Face._ Believe it, sir, i’ the air.

_Love._ Peace, you. 70

_Dap._ [_within._] Mine aunt’s grace does not use me well.

_Sub._ [_within._] You fool,

Peace, you ’ll mar all.

_Face._ [_speaks through the keyhole, while_ LOVEWIT _advances to the

door unobserved_.] Or you will else, you rogue.

_Love._ O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!—

Come, sir. No more o’ your tricks, good Jeremy.

The truth, the shortest way.

_Face._ Dismiss this rabble, sir.— 75

[_Aside._] What shall I do? I am catch’d.

_Love._ Good neighbours,

I thank you all. You may depart. [_Exeunt_ Neighbours.]—Come, sir,

You know that I am an indulgent master;

And therefore conceal nothing. What ’s your medicine,

To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl? 80

_Face._ Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit—

But here ’s no place to talk on ’t i’ the street.

Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,

And only pardon me th’ abuse of your house:

It ’s all I beg. I ’ll help you to a widow, 85

In recompense, that you shall gi’ me thanks for,

Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.

’T is but your putting on a Spanish cloak:

I have her within. You need not fear the house;

It was not visited.

_Love._ But by me, who came 90

Sooner than you expected.

_Face._ It is true, sir.

’Pray you forgive me.

_Love._ Well; let ’s see your widow. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE IV.[2054]

[_Enter_] SUBTLE [_leading in_] DAPPER, [_with his eyes bound as

before_].

_Sub._ How! ha’ you eaten your gag?

_Dap._ Yes, faith, it crumbled

Away i’ my mouth.

_Sub._ You ha’ spoil’d all then.

_Dap._ No!

I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me.

_Sub._ Your aunt ’s a gracious lady; but in troth

You were to blame.

_Dap._ The fume did overcome me, 5

And I did do ’t to stay my stomach. ’Pray you

So satisfy her grace.

[_Enter_ FACE _in his uniform_.]

Here comes the captain.

_Face._ How now! Is his mouth down?

_Sub._ Ay, he has spoken!

_Face._ A pox, I heard him, and you too. He’s undone then.—

[_Aside to_ SUBTLE.] I have been fain to say, the house is haunted 10

With spirits, to keep churl back.

_Sub._ And hast thou done it?

_Face._ Sure, for this night.

_Sub._ Why, then triumph and sing

Of Face so famous, the precious king

Of present wits.

_Face._ Did you not hear the coil 14

About the door?

_Sub._ Yes, and I dwindled[2055] with it.

_Face._ Show him his aunt, and let him be dispatch’d;

I ’ll send her to you. [_Exit_ FACE.]

_Sub._ Well, sir, your aunt her grace

Will give you audience presently, on my suit,

And the captain’s word that you did not eat your gag

In any contempt of her highness.

[_Unbinds his eyes._]

_Dap._ Not I, in troth, sir. 20

[_Enter_] DOL _like the Queen of Fairy_.

_Sub._ Here she is come. Down o’ your knees and wriggle:

She has a stately presence. [DAPPER _kneels and shuffles towards

her_.] Good! Yet nearer,

And bid, God save you!

_Dap._ Madam!

_Sub._ And your aunt.

_Dap._ And my most gracious aunt, God save your grace.

_Dol._ Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you; 25

But that sweet face of yours hath turn’d the tide,

And made it flow with joy, that ebb’d of love.

Arise, and touch our velvet gown.

_Sub._ The skirts,

And kiss ’em. So!

_Dol._ Let me now stroke that head.

_Much, nephew, shalt thou win, much shalt thou spend; 30

Much shalt thou give away, much shalt thou lend._

_Sub._ [_Aside._] Ay, much! indeed.—Why do you not thank her grace?

_Dap._ I cannot speak for joy.

_Sub._ See, the kind wretch!

Your grace’s kinsman right.

_Dol._ Give me the bird.——

Here is your fly in a purse, about your neck, cousin; 35

Wear it, and feed it about this day sev’n-night,

On your right wrist——

_Sub._ Open a vein with a pin

And let it suck but once a week; till then,

You must not look on ’t.

_Dol._ No; and, kinsman,

Bear yourself worthy of the blood you came on.

_Sub._ Her grace would ha’ you eat no more Woolsack[2056] pies, 41

Nor Dagger[2056] frumety.[2057]

_Dol._ Nor break his fast

In Heaven[2056] and Hell.[2056]

_Sub._ She ’s with you everywhere!

Nor play with costermongers, at mumchance,[2058] traytrip,[2058]

God-make-you-rich[2058] (when as your aunt has done it); but keep 45

The gallant’st company, and the best games——

_Dap._ Yes, sir.

_Sub._ Gleek[2058] and primero,[2058] and what you get, be true to us.

_Dap._ By this hand, I will.

_Sub._ You may bring ’s a thousand pound

Before to-morrow night, if but three thousand

Be stirring, an you will.

_Dap._ I swear I will then. 50

_Sub._ Your fly will learn you all games.

_Face._ [_within._] Ha’ you done there?

_Sub._ Your grace will command him no more duties?

_Dol._ No;

But come and see me often. I may chance

To leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure, 54

And some twelve thousand acres of fairy land,

If he game well and comely with good gamesters.

_Sub._ There ’s a kind aunt: kiss her departing part.—

But you must sell your forty mark a year now.

_Dap._ Ay, sir, I mean.

_Sub._ Or, give ’t away; pox on ’t!

_Dap._ I ’ll gi’ ’t mine aunt. I ’ll go and fetch the writings.

[_Exit._] 60

_Sub._ ’T is well; away.

[_Re-enter_ FACE.]

_Face._ Where ’s Subtle?

_Sub._ Here; what news?

_Face._ Drugger is at the door; go take his suit,

And bid him fetch a parson presently.

Say he shall marry the widow. Thou shalt spend 64

A hundred pound by the service!

[_Exit_ SUBTLE.]

Now, Queen Dol,

Have you pack’d up all?

_Dol._ Yes.

_Face._ And how do you like

The Lady Pliant?

_Dol._ A good dull innocent.

[_Re-enter_ SUBTLE.]

_Sub._ Here’s your Hieronimo’s cloak and hat.

_Face._ Give me ’em.

_Sub._ And the ruff too?

_Face._ Yes; I ’ll come to you presently.

[_Exit._]

_Sub._ Now he is gone about his project, Dol, 70

I told you of, for the widow.

_Dol._ ’T is direct

Against our articles.

_Sub._ Well, we will fit him, wench.

Hast thou gull’d her of her jewels or her bracelets?

_Dol._ No; but I will do ’t.

_Sub._ Soon at night, my Dolly,

When we are shipt, and all our goods aboard, 75

Eastward for Ratcliff, we will turn our course

To Brainford, westward, if thou sayst the word,

And take our leaves of this o’erweening rascal.

This peremptory Face.

_Dol._ Content; I ’m weary of him.

_Sub._ Thou ’st cause, when the slave will run at wiving, Dol, 80

Against the instrument that was drawn between us.

_Dol._ I ’ll pluck his bird as bare as I can.

_Sub._ Yes, tell her

She must by any means address some present

To th’ cunning man, make him amends for wronging

His art with her suspicion; send a ring, 85

Or chain of pearl; she will be tortur’d else

Extremely in her sleep, say, and ha’ strange things

Come to her. Wilt thou?

_Dol._ Yes.

_Sub._ My fine flitter-mouse,[2059]

My bird o’ the night! We ’ll tickle it at the Pigeons,[2060] 89

When we have all, and may unlock the trunks,

And say, this ’s mine, and thine; and thine, and mine. _They kiss._

_Re-enter_ FACE.

_Face._ What now! a billing?

_Sub._ Yes, a little exalted

In the good passage of our stock-affairs.

_Face._ Drugger has brought his parson; take him in, Subtle,

And send Nab back again to wash his face. 95

_Sub._ I will; and shave himself? [_Exit._]

_Face._ If you can get him.

_Dol._ You are hot upon it, Face, whate’er it is!

_Face._ A trick that Dol shall spend ten pound a month by.

[_Re-enter_ SUBTLE.]

Is he gone?

_Sub._ The chaplain waits you i’ the hall, sir.

_Face._ I ’ll go bestow him. [_Exit._]

_Dol._ He ’ll now marry her instantly.

_Sub._ He cannot yet, he is not ready. Dear Dol, 101

Cozen her of all thou canst. To deceive him

Is no deceit, but justice, that would break

Such an inextricable tie as ours was.

_Dol._ Let me alone to fit him.

[_Re-enter_ FACE.]

_Face._ Come, my venturers,

You ha’ pack’d up all? Where be the trunks?

Bring forth. 106

_Sub._ Here.

_Face._ Let us see ’em. Where ’s the money?

_Sub._ Here,

In this.

_Face._ Mammon’s ten pound; eight score before;

The brethren’s money this. Drugger’s and Dapper’s.

What paper ’s that?

_Dol._ The jewel of the waiting maid’s, 110

That stole it from her lady, to know certain——

_Face._ If she should have precedence of her mistress?

_Dol._ Yes.

_Face._ What box is that?

_Sub._ The fish-wives’ rings, I think,

And th’ ale-wives’ single money.[2061] Is ’t not, Dol?

_Dol._ Yes; and the whistle that the sailor’s wife 115

Brought you to know an her husband were with Ward.[2062]

_Face._ We ’ll wet it to-morrow; and our silver beakers

And tavern cups. Where be the French petticoats

And girdles and hangers?

_Sub._ Here, i’ the trunk,

And the bolts of lawn.

_Face._ Is Drugger’s damask there,

And the tobacco?

_Sub._ Yes.

_Face._ Give me the keys. 121

_Dol._ Why you the keys?

_Sub._ No matter, Dol; because

We shall not open ’em before he comes.

_Face._ ’T is true, you shall not open them, indeed;

Nor have ’em forth, do you see? Not forth, Dol.

_Dol._ No! 125

_Face._ No, my smock-rampant. The right is, my master

Knows all, has pardon’d me, and he will keep ’em.

Doctor, ’t is true—you look—for all your figures:

I sent for him, indeed. Wherefore, good partners,

Both he and she, be satisfied: for here 130

Determines[2063] the indenture tripartite

’Twixt Subtle, Dol, and Face. All I can do

Is to help you over the wall, o’ the back-side,

Or lend you a sheet to save your velvet gown, Dol.

Here will be officers presently, bethink you 135

Of some course suddenly to scape the dock;

For thither you ’ll come else. (_Some knock._)

Hark you, thunder.

_Sub._ You are a precious fiend!

_Offi._ [_without._] Open the door.

_Face._ Dol, I am sorry for thee i’ faith; but hear’st thou?

It shall go hard but I will place thee somewhere: 140

Thou shalt ha’ my letter to Mistress Amo——

_Dol._ Hang you.

_Face._ Or Madam Caesarean.

_Dol._ Pox upon you, rogue,

Would I had but time to beat thee!

_Face._ Subtle,

Let ’s know where you ’ll set up next; I will send you 144

A customer now and then, for old acquaintance.

What new course have you?

_Sub._ Rogue, I ’ll hang myself;

That I may walk a greater devil than thou,

And haunt thee i’ the flock-bed and the buttery. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE V.[2064]

[_Enter_] LOVEWIT [_in the Spanish dress, with the_ Parson. _Loud

knocking at the door._]

_Love._ What do you mean, my masters?

_Mam._ [_without._] Open your door,

Cheaters, bawds, conjurers.

_Offi._ [_without._] Or we ’ll break it open.

_Love._ What warrant have you?

_Offi._ [_without._] Warrant enough, sir, doubt not,

If you ’ll not open it.

_Love._ Is there an officer there?

_Offi._ [_without._] Yes, two or three for failing.[2065]

_Love._ Have but patience, 5

And I will open it straight.

[_Enter_ FACE, _as butler_.]

_Face._ Sir, ha’ you done?

Is it a marriage? Perfect?

_Love._ Yes, my brain.

_Face._ Off with your ruff and cloak then; be yourself, sir.

_Sur._ [_without._] Down with the door.

_Kas._ [_without._] ’Slight, ding[2066] it open.

_Love. [opening the door.]_ Hold,

Hold, gentlemen, what means this violence? 10

[MAMMON, SURLY, KASTRIL, ANANIAS, TRIBULATION _and_ Officers _rush in._]

_Mam._ Where is this collier?

_Sur._ And my Captain Face?

_Mam._ These day-owls.

_Sur._ That are birding[2067] in men’s purses.

_Mam._ Madam Suppository.

_Kas._ Doxy, my suster.

_Ana._ Locusts.

Of the foul pit.

_Tri._ Profane as Bel and the Dragon.

_Ana._ Worse than the grasshoppers, or the lice of Egypt. 15

_Love._ Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers,

And cannot stay this violence?

_1 Offi._ Keep the peace.

_Love._ Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek?

_Mam._ The chemical cozener.

_Sur._ And the captain pander.

_Kas._ The nun my suster.

_Mam._ Madam Rabbi.

_Ana._ Scorpions, 20

And caterpillars.

_Love._ Fewer at once, I pray you.

_1 Offi._ One after another, gentlemen, I charge you,

By virtue of my staff.

_Ana._ They are the vessels

Of pride, lust, and the cart.

_Love._ Good zeal, lie still

A little while.

_Tri._ Peace, Deacon Ananias. 25

_Love._ The house is mine here, and the doors are open;

If there be any such persons as you seek for,

Use your authority, search on o’ God’s name,

I am but newly come to town, and finding

This tumult ’bout my door, to tell you true, 30

It somewhat maz’d me; till my man here, fearing

My more displeasure, told me he had done

Somewhat an insolent part, let out my house

(Belike presuming on my known aversion

From any air o’ the town while there was sickness), 35

To a doctor and a captain: who, what they are

Or where they be, he knows not.

_Mam._ Are they gone?

_Love._ You may go in and search, sir. (MAMMON, ANA., _and_ TRIB. _go

in_.) Here, I find

The empty walls worse than I left ’em, smok’d,

A few crack’d pots, and glasses, and a furnace:

The ceiling fill’d with poesies of the candle, 41

And “Madam with a dildo”[2068] writ o’ the walls.

Only one gentlewoman I met here

That is within, that said she was a widow——

_Kas._ Ay, that’s my suster; I ’ll go thump her. Where is she? [_Goes

in._] 45

_Love._ And should ha’ married a Spanish count, but he,

When he came to ’t, neglected her so grossly,

That I, a widower, am gone through with her.

_Sur._ How! have I lost her then?

_Love._ Were you the don, sir?

Good faith, now she does blame you extremely, and says 50

You swore, and told her you had ta’en the pains

To dye your beard, and umber o’er your face,

Borrowed a suit, and ruff, all for her love:

And then did nothing. What an oversight

And want of putting forward, sir, was this! 55

Well fare an old harquebusier[2069] yet,

Could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit,

All in a twinkling! MAMMON _comes forth_.

_Mam._ The whole nest are fled!

_Love._ What sort of birds were they?

_Mam._ A kind of choughs,[2070]

Or thievish daws, sir, that have pickt my purse, 60

Of eight score and ten pounds within these five weeks,

Beside my first materials; and my goods,

That lie i’ the cellar, which I am glad they ha’ left,

I may have home yet.

_Love._ Think you so, sir?

_Mam._ Ay.

_Love._ By order of law, sir, but not otherwise.

_Mam._ Not mine own stuff!

_Love._ Sir, I can take no knowledge 66

That they are yours, but by public means.

If you can bring certificate that you were gull’d of ’em,

Or any formal writ out of a court,

That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them. 70

_Mam._ I ’ll rather lose ’em.

_Love._ That you shall not, sir,

By me, in troth; upon these terms, they ’re yours.

What, should they ha’ been, sir, turn’d into gold, all?

_Mam._ No.

I cannot tell.—It may be they should.—What then?

_Love._ What a great loss in hope have you sustain’d! 75

_Mam._ Not I; the commonwealth has.

_Face._ Ay, he would ha’ built

The city new; and made a ditch about it

Of silver, should have run with cream from Hogsden;

That every Sunday in Moorsfields the younkers,

And tits[2071] and tom-boys should have fed on, gratis. 80

_Mam._ I will go mount a turnip-cart, and preach

The end o’ the world within these two months. Surly,

What! in a dream?

_Sur._ Must I needs cheat myself

With that same foolish vice of honesty!

Come, let us go and hearken out the rogues: 85

That Face I ’ll mark for mine, if e’er I meet him.

_Face._ If I can hear of him, sir, I ’ll bring you word

Unto your lodging; for in troth, they were strangers

To me; I thought ’em honest as myself, sir.

_They come forth._

[_Re-enter_ ANANIAS _and_ TRIBULATION.]

_Tri._ ’T is well, the saints shall not lose all yet. Go 90

And get some carts——

_Love._ For what, my zealous friends?

_Ana._ To bear away the portion of the righteous

Out of this den of thieves.

_Love._ What is that portion?

_Ana._ The goods sometimes the orphans’, that the brethren

Bought with their silver pence.

_Love._ What, those i’ the cellar, 95

The knight Sir Mammon claims?

_Ana._ I do defy

The wicked Mammon, so do all the brethren,

Thou profane man! I ask thee with what conscience

Thou canst advance that idol against us,

That have the seal?[2072] Were not the shillings numb’red 100

That made the pounds; were not the pounds told out

Upon the second day of the fourth week,

In the eighth month, upon the table dormant,

The year of the last patience of the saints,

Six hundred and ten?

_Love._ Mine earnest vehement botcher, 105

And deacon also, I cannot dispute with you:

But if you get you not away the sooner,

I shall confute you with a cudgel.

_Ana._ Sir!

_Tri._ Be patient, Ananias.

_Ana._ I am strong,

And will stand up, well girt, against an host 110

That threaten Gad in exile.

_Love._ I shall send you

To Amsterdam, to your cellar.

_Ana._ I will pray there,

Against thy house. May dogs defile thy walls,

And wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof,

This seat of falsehood, and this cave of coz’nage!

[_Exeunt_ ANA. _and_ TRIB.]

_Enter_ DRUGGER.

_Love._ Another too?

_Drug._ Not I, sir, I am no brother. 116

_Love._ (_beats him._) Away, you Harry Nicholas![2073] do you talk?

[_Exit_ DRUG.]

_Face._ No, this was Abel Drugger. Good sir, go, (_To the_ Parson.)

And satisfy him; tell him all is done;

He staid too long a washing of his face. 120

The doctor, he shall hear of him at Westchester;

And of the captain, tell him, at Yarmouth, or

Some good port-town else, lying for a wind.

[_Exit_ Parson.]

If you can get off the angry child now, sir——

[_Enter_ KASTRIL, _dragging in_] _his sister_.

_Kas._ Come on, you ewe, you have match’d most sweetly,

ha’ you not? 125

Did not I say, I would never ha’ you tupt

But by a dubb’d boy,[2074] to make you a lady-tom?

’Slight, you are a mammet![2075] O, I could touse you now.

Death, mun[2076] you marry with a pox!

_Love._ You lie, boy;

As sound as you; and I ’m aforehand with you.

_Kas._ Anon! 130

_Love._ Come, will you quarrel? I will feize[2077] you, sirrah;

Why do you not buckle to your tools?

_Kas._ God’s light,

This is a fine old boy as e’er I saw!

_Love._ What, do you change your copy now? Proceed;

Here stands my dove: stoop[2078] at her if you dare. 135

_Kas._ ’Slight, I must love him! I cannot choose, i’ faith,

An I should be hang’d for ’t! Suster, I protest,

I honour thee for this match.

_Love._ O, do you so, sir?

_Kas._ Yes, an thou canst take tobacco and drink, old boy,

I ’ll give her five hundred pound more to her marriage, 140

Than her own state.

_Love._ Fill a pipe full, Jeremy.

_Face._ Yes; but go in and take it, sir.

_Love._ We will.

I will be rul’d by thee in anything, Jeremy.

_Kas._ ’Slight, thou art not hide-bound, thou art a jovy[2079] boy! 144

Come, let us in, I pray thee, and take our whiffs.

_Love._ Whiff in with your sister, brother boy.

[_Exeunt_ KAS. _and Dame P._]

That master

That had receiv’d such happiness by a servant,

In such a widow, and with so much wealth,

Were very ungrateful, if he would not be

A little indulgent to that servant’s wit, 150

And help his fortune, though were some small strain

Of his own candour.[2080] [_Advancing._] Therefore, gentlemen,

And kind spectators, if I have outstript

An old man’s gravity, or strict canon, think 154

What a young wife and a good brain may do;

Stretch age’s truth sometimes, and crack it too.

Speak for thyself, knave.

_Face._ So I will, sir. [_Advancing to the front of the stage._]

Gentlemen,

My part a little fell in this last scene,

Yet ’t was decorum.[2081] And though I am clean

Got off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Dol, 160

Hot Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, all

With whom I traded; yet I put myself

On you, that are my country:[2082] and this pelf

Which I have got, if you do quit me, rests,

To feast you often, and invite new guests. 166

[_Exeunt._]

THE SHOEMAKERS’ HOLIDAY

BY THOMAS DEKKER

[DRAMATIS PERSONAE

THE KING.

THE EARL OF CORNWALL.

SIR HUGH LACY, Earl of Lincoln.

ROWLAND LACY, }

otherwise HANS, } His Nephews.

ASKEW }

SIR ROGER OATELY, Lord Mayor of London.

Master HAMMON, }

Master WARNER, } Citizens of London.

Master SCOTT, }

SIMON EYRE, the Shoemaker.

ROGER, commonly }

called HODGE, }

FIRK, } EYRE’S Journeymen.

RALPH, }

LOVELL, a Courtier.

DODGER, a Servant to the EARL OF LINCOLN.

A Dutch Skipper.

A Boy.

ROSE, Daughter of SIR ROGER.

SYBIL, her Maid.

MARGERY, Wife of SIMON EYRE.

JANE, Wife of RALPH.

Courtiers, Attendants, Officers, Soldiers, Hunters, Shoemakers,

Apprentices, Servants.

SCENE.—_London_ and _Old Ford_.]

THE PROLOGUE

_As it was pronounced before the Queen’s Majesty_

As wretches in a storm, expecting day,

With trembling hands and eyes cast up to heaven,

Make prayers the anchor of their conquer’d hopes,

So we, dear goddess, wonder of all eyes,

Your meanest vassals, through mistrust and fear 5

To sink into the bottom of disgrace

By our imperfect pastimes, prostrate thus

On bended knees, our sails of hope do strike,

Dreading the bitter storms of your dislike.

Since then, unhappy men, our hap is such 10

That to ourselves ourselves no help can bring,

But needs must perish, if your saint-like ears,

Locking the temple where all mercy sits,

Refuse the tribute of all begging tongues;

Oh, grant, bright mirror of true chastity, 15

From those life-breathing stars, your sun-like eyes,

One gracious smile; for your celestial breath

Must send us life, or sentence us to death.

ACT I

SCENE I.[2083]

_Enter the_ LORD MAYOR _and the_ EARL OF LINCOLN.

_Linc._ My lord mayor, you have sundry times

Feasted myself and many courtiers more;

Seldom or never can we be so kind

To make requital of your courtesy.

But leaving this, I hear my cousin Lacy 5

Is much affected to[2084] your daughter Rose.

_L. Mayor._ True, my good lord, and she loves him so well

That I mislike her boldness in the chase.

_Linc._ Why, my lord mayor, think you it then a shame,

To join a Lacy with an Oateley’s name? 10

_L. Mayor._ Too mean is my poor girl for his high birth;

Poor citizens must not with courtiers wed,

Who will in silks and gay apparel spend

More in one year than I am worth, by far:

Therefore your honour need not doubt[2085] my girl. 15

_Linc._ Take heed, my lord, advise you what you do!

A verier unthrift lives not in the world,

Than is my cousin; for I ’ll tell you what:

’T is now almost a year since he requested

To travel countries for experience. 20

I furnisht him with coin, bills of exchange,

Letters of credit, men to wait on him,

Solicited my friends in Italy

Well to respect him. But, to see the end,

Scant had he journey’d through half Germany,

But all his coin was spent, his men cast off, 26

His bills embezzl’d,[2086] and my jolly coz,[2087]

Asham’d to show his bankrupt presence here,

Became a shoemaker in Wittenberg,

A goodly science for a gentleman 30

Of such descent! Now judge the rest by this:

Suppose your daughter have a thousand pound,

He did consume me more in one half year:

And make him heir to all the wealth you have

One twelvemonth’s rioting will waste it all. 35

Then seek, my lord, some honest citizen

To wed your daughter to.

_L. Mayor._ I thank your lordship.

[_Aside._] Well, fox, I understand your subtilty.—

As for your nephew, let your lordship’s eye

But watch his actions, and you need not fear,

For I have seen my daughter far enough. 41

And yet your cousin Rowland might do well,

Now he hath learn’d an occupation:

And yet I scorn to call him son-in-law.

_Linc._ Ay, but I have a better trade for him.

I thank his grace, he hath appointed him 45

Chief colonel of all those companies

Must’red in London and the shires about,

To serve his highness in those wars of France.

See where he comes!—

_Enter_ LOVELL, LACY, _and_ ASKEW.

Lovell, what news with you?

_Lovell._ My Lord of Lincoln, ’tis his highness’ will, 51

That presently[2088] your cousin ship for France

With all his powers; he would not for a million,

But they should land at Dieppe within four days.

_Linc._ Go certify his grace, it shall be done.

_Exit_ LOVELL.

Now, cousin Lacy, in what forwardness 56

Are all your companies?

_Lacy._ All well prepar’d.

The men of Hertfordshire lie at Mile-end,

Suffolk and Essex train in Tothill-fields,

The Londoners and those of Middlesex, 60

All gallantly prepar’d in Finsbury,

With frolic spirits long for their parting hour.

_L. Mayor._ They have their imprest,[2089] coats, and furniture;[2090]

And, if it please your cousin Lacy come

To the Guildhall, he shall receive his pay; 65

And twenty pounds besides my brethren

Will freely give him, to approve our loves

We bear unto my lord, your uncle here.

_Lacy._ I thank your honour.

_Linc._ Thanks, my good lord mayor. 69

_L. Mayor._ At the Guildhall we will expect your coming. _Exit._

_Linc._ To approve your loves to me? No subtilty

Nephew, that twenty pound he doth bestow

For joy to rid you from his daughter Rose.

But, cousins both, now here are none but friends,

I would not have you cast an amorous eye 75

Upon so mean a project as the love

Of a gay, wanton, painted citizen.

I know, this churl even in the height of scorn

Doth hate the mixture of his blood with thine.

I pray thee, do thou so! Remember, coz, 80

What honourable fortunes wait on thee.

Increase the king’s love, which so brightly shines,

And gilds thy hopes. I have no heir but thee,—

And yet not thee, if with a wayward spirit

Thou start from the true bias[2091] of my love. 85

_Lacy._ My lord, I will for honour, not desire

Of land or livings, or to be your heir,

So guide my actions in pursuit of France,

As shall add glory to the Lacies’ name.

_Linc._ Coz, for those words here ’s thirty Portuguese,[2092] 90

And, nephew Askew, there ’s a few for you.

Fair Honour, in her loftiest eminence,

Stays in France for you, till you fetch her thence.

Then, nephews, clap swift wings on your designs. 94

Begone, begone, make haste to the Guildhall;

There presently I ’ll meet you. Do not stay:

Where honour [beckons][2093] shame attends delay. _Exit._

_Askew._ How gladly would your uncle have you gone!

_Lacy._ True, coz, but I ’ll o’erreach his policies.

I have some serious business for three days, 100

Which nothing but my presence can dispatch.

You, therefore, cousin, with the companies,

Shall haste to Dover; there I ’ll meet with you:

Or, if I stay past my prefixed time, 104

Away for France; we ’ll meet in Normandy.

The twenty pounds my lord mayor gives to me

You shall receive, and these ten Portuguese,

Part of mine uncle’s thirty. Gentle coz,

Have care to our great charge; I know, your wisdom

Hath tried itself in higher consequence. 110

_Askew._ Coz, all myself am yours: yet have this care,

To lodge in London with all secrecy;

Our uncle Lincoln hath, besides his own,

Many a jealous eye, that in your face

Stares only to watch means for your disgrace.

_Lacy._ Stay, cousin, who be these? 116

_Enter_ SIMON EYRE, [MARGERY] _his wife,_ HODGE, FIRK, JANE, _and_

RALPH _with a piece_.[2094]

_Eyre._ Leave whining, leave whining! Away with this whimp’ring, this

puling, these blubb’ring tears, and these wet eyes! I ’ll get thy

husband discharg’d, I warrant thee, sweet Jane; go to! (121)

_Hodge._ Master, here be the captains.

_Eyre._ Peace, Hodge; husht, ye knave, husht!

_Firk._ Here be the cavaliers and the colonels, master. 125

_Eyre._ Peace, Firk; peace, my fine Firk! Stand by with your

pishery-pashery,[2095] away! I am a man of the best presence; I

’ll speak to them, an[2096] they were Popes.—Gentlemen, captains,

colonels, commanders! Brave men, (130) brave leaders, may it please

you to give me audience. I am Simon Eyre, the mad shoemaker of Tower

Street; this wench with the mealy mouth that will never tire, is my

wife, I can tell you; here ’s Hodge, my man and my foreman; (135)

here ’s Firk, my fine firking[2097] journeyman, and this is blubbered

Jane. All we come to be suitors for this honest Ralph. Keep him at

home, and as I am a true shoemaker and a gentleman of the gentle

craft, buy spurs yourself, and I ’ll (140) find ye boots these seven

years.

_Marg._ Seven years, husband?

_Eyre._ Peace, midriff,[2098] peace! I know what I do. Peace! 144

_Firk._ Truly, master cormorant,[2099] you shall do God good service

to let Ralph and his wife stay together. She ’s a young new-married

woman; if you take her husband away from her a-night, you undo her;

she may beg in the daytime; for he ’s as good a workman at a prick

and an awl as any is in our trade. 151

_Jane._ O let him stay, else I shall be undone.

_Firk._ Ay, truly, she shall be laid at one side like a pair of old

shoes else, and be occupied for no use. 155

_Lacy._ Truly, my friends it lies not in my power:

The Londoners are press’d,[2100] paid, and set forth

By the lord mayor; I cannot change a man.

_Hodge._ Why, then you were as good be a corporal as a colonel, if

you cannot discharge (160) one good fellow; and I tell you true, I

think you do more than you can answer, to press a man within a year

and a day of his marriage.

_Eyre._ Well said, melancholy Hodge; gramercy, my fine foreman. 165

_Marg._ Truly, gentlemen, it were ill done for such as you, to stand

so stiffly against a poor young wife, considering her case, she is

new-married; but let that pass. I pray, deal not roughly with her;

her husband is a young man, and but newly ent’red; but let that pass.

171

_Eyre._ Away with your pishery-pashery, your pols and your

edipols![2101] Peace, midriff; silence, Cicely Bumtrinket! Let your

head speak. 175

_Firk._ Yea, and the horns too, master.

_Eyre._ Too soon, my fine Firk, too soon! Peace, scoundrels! See

you this man? Captains, you will not release him? Well, let him go;

he ’s a proper shot; let him vanish! (180) Peace, Jane, dry up thy

tears, they ’ll make his powder dankish.[2102] Take him, brave men;

Hector of Troy was an hackney to him, Hercules and Termagant[2103]

scoundrels. Prince Arthur’s Round-table—by the Lord of

Ludgate—ne’er (185) fed such a tall,[2104] such a dapper swordman;

by the life of Pharaoh, a brave resolute swordman! Peace, Jane! I say

no more, mad knaves.

_Firk._ See, see, Hodge, how my master raves in commendation of

Ralph! 190

_Hodge._ Ralph, th’ art a gull,[2105] by this hand, an thou goest not.

_Askew._ I am glad, good Master Eyre, it is my hap

To meet so resolute a soldier.

Trust me, for your report and love to him, 195

A common slight regard shall not respect him.

_Lacy._ Is thy name Ralph?

_Ralph._ Yes, sir.

_Lacy._ Give me thine hand;

Thou shalt not want, as I am a gentleman.

Woman, be patient; God, no doubt, will send

Thy husband safe again; but he must go, 200

His country’s quarrel says it shall be so.

_Hodge._ Th’ art a gull, by my stirrup, if thou dost not go. I will

not have thee strike thy gimlet into these weak vessels; prick thine

enemies, Ralph. 205

_Enter_ DODGER.

_Dodger._ My lord, your uncle on the Tower-hill

Stays with the lord-mayor and the aldermen,

And doth request you, with all speed you may,

To hasten thither.

_Askew._ Cousin, let ’s go.

_Lacy._ Dodger, run you before, tell them we come,— 210

This Dodger is mine uncle’s parasite. _Exit_ DODGER.

The arrant’st varlet that e’er breath’d on earth;

He sets more discord in a noble house

By one day’s broaching of his pickthank tales,[2106]

Than can be salv’d[2107] again in twenty years, 215

And he, I fear, shall go with us to France,

To pry into our actions.

_Askew._ Therefore, coz,

It shall behove you to be circumspect.

_Lacy._ Fear not, good cousin.—Ralph, hie to your colours. [_Exit_

LACY _and_ ASKEW.]

_Ralph._ I must, because there’s no remedy;

But, gentle master and my loving dame, 221

As you have always been a friend to me,

So in mine absence think upon my wife.

_Jane._ Alas, my Ralph.

_Marg._ She cannot speak for weeping. 224

_Eyre._ Peace, you crack’d groats,[2108] you mustard tokens,[2109]

disquiet not the brave soldier. Go thy ways, Ralph!

_Jane._ Ay, ay, you bid him go; what shall I do

When he is gone?

_Firk._ Why, be doing with me or my fellow

Hodge; be not idle. 231

_Eyre._ Let me see thy hand, Jane. This fine hand, this white hand,

these pretty fingers must spin, must card, must work; work, you

bombast cotton-candle-quean; work for your living, (235) with a pox

to you.—Hold thee, Ralph, here ’s five sixpences for thee; fight for

the honour of the gentle craft, for the gentlemen shoemakers, the

courageous cordwainers, the flower of St. Martin’s, the mad knaves of

Bedlam, Fleet (240) Street, Tower Street and Whitechapel; crack me

the crowns of the French knaves; a pox on them, crack them; fight, by

the Lord of Ludgate; fight, my fine boy!

_Firk._ Here, Ralph, here ’s three two-pences; (245) two carry into

France, the third shall wash our souls at parting, for sorrow is dry.

For my sake, firk the _Basa mon cues_.

_Hodge._ Ralph. I am heavy at parting; but here ’s a shilling for

thee. God send[2110] thee to (250) cram thy slops[2111] with French

crowns, and thy enemies’ bellies with bullets.

_Ralph._ I thank you, master, and I thank you all.

Now, gentle wife, my loving lovely Jane,

Rich men, at parting, give their wives rich gifts, 255

Jewels and rings, to grace their lily hands.

Thou know’st our trade makes rings for women’s heels;

Here take this pair of shoes, cut out by Hodge,

Stitch’d by my fellow Firk, seam’d by myself,

Made up and pink’d[2112] with letters for thy name. 260

Wear them, my dear Jane, for thy husband’s sake,

And every morning when thou pull’st them on,

Remember me, and pray for my return.

Make much of them; for I have made them so

That I can know them from a thousand mo. 265

_Drum sounds. Enter the_ LORD MAYOR, _the_ EARL OF LINCOLN, LACY,

ASKEW, DODGER, _and_ Soldiers. _They pass over the stage_; RALPH _falls

in amongst them_; FIRK _and the rest cry_ “Farewell,” etc., _and so

exeunt_.

ACT II

SCENE I.[2113]

_Enter_ ROSE, _alone, making a garland_.

_Rose._ Here sit thou down upon this flow’ry bank

And make a garland for thy Lacy’s head.

These pinks, these roses, and these violets,

These blushing gilliflowers, these marigolds,

The fair embroidery of his coronet, 5

Carry not half such beauty in their cheeks,

As the sweet count’nance of my Lacy doth.

O my most unkind father! O my stars,

Why lower’d you so at my nativity,

To make me love, yet live robb’d of my love?

Here as a thief am I imprisoned 11

For my dear Lacy’s sake within those walls,

Which by my father’s cost were builded up

For better purposes. Here must I languish

For him that doth as much lament, I know, 15

Mine absence, as for him I pine in woe.

_Enter_ SYBIL.

_Sybil._ Good morrow, young mistress. I am sure you make that garland

for me, against[2114] I shall be Lady of the Harvest.

_Rose._ Sybil, what news at London? 20

_Sybil._ None but good; my lord mayor, your father, and master

Philpot, your uncle, and Master Scot, your cousin, and Mistress

Frigbottom by Doctors’ Commons, do all, by my troth, send you most

hearty commendations. 25

_Rose._ Did Lacy send kind greetings to his love?

_Sybil._ O yes, out of cry, by my troth. I scant knew him; here

’a wore a scarf; and here a scarf, here a bunch of feathers, and

here precious stones and jewels, and a pair (30) of garters,—O,

monstrous! like one of our yellow silk curtains at home here in Old

Ford House here, in Master Belly-mount’s chamber. I stood at our door

in Cornhill, look’d at him, he at me indeed, spake to him, but he not

(35) to me, not a word; marry go-up, thought I, with a wanion![2115]

He pass’d by me as proud —Marry foh! are you grown humorous,[2116]

thought I; and so shut the door, and in I came.

_Rose._ O Sybil, how dost thou my Lacy wrong! 40

My Rowland is as gentle as a lamb,

No dove was ever half so mild as he.

_Sybil._ Mild? yea, as a bushel of stamp crabs.[2117] He lookt upon

me as sour as verjuice.[2118] Go thy ways, thought I, thou may’st be

much (45) in my gaskins,[2119] but nothing in my nether-stocks.[2120]

This is your fault, mistress, to love him that loves not you; he

thinks scorn to do as he ’s done to; but if I were as you, I ’d cry,

“Go by, Jeronimo, go by!”[2121] 50

I ’d set mine old debts against my new driblets,

And the hare’s foot against the goose giblets,

For if ever I sigh, when sleep I should take,

Pray God I may lose my maidenhead when I wake.

_Rose._ Will my love leave me then, and go to France? 55

_Sybil._ I know not that, but I am sure I see him stalk before the

soldiers. By my troth, he is a proper[2122] man; but he is proper

that proper doth. Let him go snick-up,[2123] young mistress. 60

_Rose._ Get thee to London, and learn perfectly

Whether my Lacy go to France, or no.

Do this, and I will give thee for thy pains

My cambric apron and my Romish gloves,

My purple stockings and a stomacher. 65

Say, wilt thou do this, Sybil, for my sake?

_Sybil._ Will I, quoth ’a? At whose suit? By my troth, yes, I ’ll go.

A cambric apron, gloves, a pair of purple stockings, and a stomacher!

I ’ll sweat in purple, mistress, for you; (70) I ’ll take anything

that comes a’ God’s name. O rich! a cambric apron! Faith, then have

at ‘up tails all.’ I ’ll go jiggy-joggy to London, and be here in a

trice, young mistress. _Exit._

_Rose._ Do so, good Sybil. Meantime wretched I

Will sit and sigh for his lost company. _Exit._ 75

SCENE II.[2124]

_Enter_ LACY, _like a Dutch Shoemaker_.

_Lacy._ How many shapes have gods and kings devis’d,

Thereby to compass their desired loves!

It is no shame for Rowland Lacy, then,

To clothe his cunning with the gentle craft,

That, thus disguis’d, I may unknown possess 5

The only happy presence of my Rose.

For her have I forsook my charge in France,

Incurr’d the king’s displeasure, and stirr’d up

Rough hatred in mine uncle Lincoln’s breast.

O love, how powerful art thou, that canst change

High birth to baseness, and a noble mind 11

To the mean semblance of a shoemaker!

But thus it must be; for her cruel father,

Hating the single union of our souls, 14

Has secretly convey’d my Rose from London,

To bar me of her presence; but I trust,

Fortune and this disguise will further me

Once more to view her beauty, gain her sight.

Here in Tower Street with Eyre the shoemaker

Mean I a while to work; I know the trade, 20

I learnt it when I was in Wittenberg.

Then cheer thy hoping spirits, be not dismay’d,

Thou canst not want: do Fortune what she can,

The gentle craft is living for a man. _Exit._

SCENE III.[2125]

_Enter_ EYRE, _making himself ready_.[2126]

_Eyre._ Where be these boys, these girls, these drabs, these

scoundrels? They wallow in the fat brewiss[2127] of my bounty, and

lick up the crumbs of my table, yet will not rise to see my walks

cleansed. Come out, you powder-beef[2128] queans! What, Nan! what,

Madge Mumble-crust. (6) Come out, you fat midriff-swag-belly-whores,

and sweep me these kennels[2129] that the noisome stench offend not

the noses of my neighbours. What, Firk, I say; what, Hodge! Open my

(10) shop windows! What, Firk, I say!

_Enter_ FIRK.

_Firk._ O master, is ’t you that speak bandog[2130] and Bedlam[2131]

this morning? I was in a dream, and mused what madman was got into

the street so early. Have you drunk this morning that (15) your

throat is so clear?

_Eyre._ Ah, well said, Firk; well said, Firk. To work, my fine knave,

to work! Wash thy face, and thou ’t be more blest.

_Firk._ Let them wash my face that will eat (20) it. Good master,

send for a souse-wife,[2132] if you’ll have my face cleaner.

_Enter_ HODGE.

_Eyre._ Away, sloven! avaunt, scoundrel!—Good-morrow, Hodge;

good-morrow, my fine foreman. 25

_Hodge._ O master, good-morrow; y’ are an early stirrer. Here ’s a

fair morning.—Good-morrow, Firk, I could have slept this hour. Here

’s a brave day towards.[2133]

_Eyre._ Oh, haste to work, my fine foreman, (30) haste to work.

_Firk._ Master, I am dry as dust to hear my fellow Roger talk of fair

weather; let us pray for good leather, and let clowns and plough-boys

and those that work in the fields pray (35) for brave days. We work

in a dry shop; what care I if it rain?

_Enter_ EYRE’S _wife_ [MARGERY].

_Eyre._ How now, Dame Margery, can you see to rise? Trip and go, call

up the drabs, your maids. 40

_Marg._ See to rise? I hope ’t is time enough, ’t is early enough for

any woman to be seen abroad. I marvel how many wives in Tower Street

are up so soon. Gods me, ’t is not noon,—here ’s a yawling![2134] 45

_Eyre._ Peace, Margery, peace! Where ’s Cicely Bumtrinket, your maid?

She has a privy fault, she farts in her sleep. Call the quean up; if

my men want shoe-thread, I ’ll swinge her in a stirrup. 50

_Firk._ Yet, that ’s but a dry beating; here ’s still a sign of

drought.

_Enter_ LACY [_disguised_], _singing_.

_Lacy. Der was een bore van Gelderland

Frolick sie byen;

He was als dronck he cold nyet stand,

Upsolce sie byen. 56

Tap eens de canneken,

Drincke, schone mannekin._[2135]

_Firk._ Master, for my life, yonder’s a brother (59) of the gentle

craft; if he bear not Saint Hugh’s bones,[2136] I ’ll forfeit my

bones; he ’s some uplandish workman: hire him, good master, that I

may learn some gibble-gabble; ’t will make us work the faster. 64

_Eyre._ Peace, Firk! A hard world! Let him pass, let him vanish; we

have journeymen enow. Peace, my fine Firk!

_Marg._ Nay, nay, y’ are best follow your man’s counsel; you shall

see what will come on ’t. We have not men enow, but we must entertain

(70) every butter-box;[2137] but let that pass.

_Hodge._ Dame, ’fore God, if my master follow your counsel, he ’ll

consume little beef. He shall be clad of men an he can catch them.

_Firk._ Ay, that he shall. 75

_Hodge._ ’Fore God, a proper man, and I warrant, a fine workman.

Master, farewell; dame, adieu; if such a man as he cannot find work,

Hodge is not for you. _Offers to go._

_Eyre._ Stay, my fine Hodge. 80

_Firk._ Faith, an your foreman go, dame, you must take a journey to

seek a new journeyman; if Roger remove, Firk follows. If Saint Hugh’s

bones shall not be set a-work, I may prick mine all in the walls, and

go play. Fare ye well, master; good-bye, dame. 86

_Eyre._ Tarry, my fine Hodge, my brisk foreman! Stay, Firk! Peace,

pudding-broth! By the Lord of Ludgate, I love my men as my life.

Peace, you gallimaufry![2138] Hodge, if he (90) want work, I ’ll hire

him. One of you to him; stay,—he comes to us.

Lacy. _Goeden dach, meester, ende u vro oak._[2139]

_Firk._ Nails,[2140] if I should speak after him without drinking, I

should choke. And you, (95) friend Oake, are you of the gentle craft?

Lacy. _Yaw, yaw, ik bin den skomawker._[2141]

_Firk. Den skomaker_, quoth ’a! And hark you, _skomaker_, have you

all your tools, a good rubbing-pin, a good stopper, a good dresser,

your (100) four sorts of awls, and your two balls of wax, your paring

knife, your hand-and-thumb-leathers, and good St. Hugh’s bones to

smooth up your work? 104

Lacy. _Yaw, yaw; be niet vorveard. Ik hab all de dingen voour mack

skooes groot and cleane._[2142]

_Firk._ Ha, ha! Good master, hire him; he ’ll make me laugh so that I

shall work more in mirth than I can in earnest.

_Eyre._ Hear ye, friend, have ye any skill in (110) the mystery[2143]

of cordwainers?

Lacy. _Ik weet niet wat yow seg; ich verstaw you niet._[2144]

_Firk._ Why, thus, man: [_Imitating by gesture_ (114) _a shoemaker at

work._] _Ich verste u niet_, quoth ’a.

Lacy. _Yaw, yaw, yaw; ick can dat wel doen._[2145]

_Firk. Yaw, yaw!_ He speaks yawing like a jackdaw that gapes to be

fed with cheese-curds. Oh, he ’ll give a villanous pull at a (120)

can of double-beer; but Hodge and I have the vantage, we must drink

first, because we are the eldest journeymen.

_Eyre._ What is thy name?

_Lacy._ Hans—Hans Meulter. 125

_Eyre._ Give me thy hand; th’ art welcome.— Hodge, entertain him;

Firk, bid him welcome; come, Hans. Run, wife, bid your maids, your

trullibubs,[2146] make ready my fine men’s breakfasts. To him, Hodge!

130

_Hodge._ Hans, th’ art welcome; use thyself friendly, for we are good

fellows; if not, thou shalt be fought with, wert thou bigger than a

giant.

_Firk._ Yea, and drunk with, wert thou Gargantua. (135) My master

keeps no cowards, I tell thee.—Ho, boy, bring him an heel-block,

here ’s a new journeyman.

[_Enter_ Boy.]

Lacy. _O, ich wersto you; ich moet een halve dossen cans betaelen;

here, boy, nempt dis skilling, tap eens freelicke._[2147] [_Exit_

Boy.] 141

_Eyre._ Quick, snipper-snapper, away! Firk, scour thy throat; thou

shalt wash it with Castilian liquor.

[_Enter_ Boy.]

Come, my last of the fives, give me a can. Have to thee, Hans; here,

Hodge; here, Firk; (146) drink, you mad Greeks, and work like true

Trojans, and pray for Simon Eyre, the shoemaker.—Here, Hans, and th’

art welcome.

_Firk._ Lo, dame, you would have lost a good fellow that will teach

us to laugh. This (151) beer came hopping in well.

_Marg._ Simon, it is almost seven.

_Eyre._ Is ’t so. Dame Clapper-dudgeon?[2148] Is ’t seven a

clock, and my men’s breakfast not ready? Trip and go, you sous’d

conger,[2149] (156) away! Come, you mad hyperboreans; follow me,

Hodge; follow me, Hans; come after, my fine Firk; to work, to work a

while, and then to breakfast. _Exit._

_Firk._ Soft! _Yaw, yaw_, good Hans, though (161) my master have no

more wit but to call you afore me, I am not so foolish to go behind

you, I being the elder journeyman. _Exeunt._

SCENE IV.[2150]

[_Halloaing within._] _Enter_ WARNER _and_ HAMMON, _like Hunters_.

_Ham._ Cousin, beat every brake, the game ’s not far,

This way with winged feet he fled from death,

Whilst the pursuing hounds, scenting his steps,

Find out his highway to destruction.

Besides, the miller’s boy told me even now, 5

He saw him take soil,[2151] and he halloaed him,

Affirming him to have been so embost[2152]

That long he could not hold.

_Warn._ If it be so,

’T is best we trace these meadows by Old Ford.

[_A noise of_ Hunters _within. Enter a_ Boy.]

_Ham._ How now, boy? Where’s the deer? speak, saw’st thou him? 11

_Boy._ O yea; I saw him leap through a hedge, and then over a ditch,

then at my lord mayor’s pale, over he skipt me, and in he went me,

and “holla” the hunters cried, and “there, (15) boy; there, boy!” But

there he is, a’ mine honesty.

_Ham._ Boy. Godamercy. Cousin, let ’s away; I hope we shall find

better sport to-day. 19

_Exeunt._

SCENE V.[2153]

[_Hunting within._] _Enter_ ROSE _and_ SYBIL.

_Rose._ Why, Sybil, wilt thou prove a forester?

_Sybil._ Upon some, no. Forester? Go by; no, faith, mistress. The

deer came running into the barn through the orchard and over the

pale; I wot well, I lookt as pale as a new cheese to see him. But

whip, says Goodman Pinclose, (6) up with his flail, and our Nick with

a prong, and down he fell, and they upon him, and I upon them. By my

troth, we had such sport; and in the end we ended him; his throat we

cut, flay’d him, unhorn’d him, and my (11) lord mayor shall eat of

him anon, when he comes. _Horns sound within._

_Rose._ Hark, hark, the hunters come; y’ are best take heed,

They ’ll have a saying to you for this deed. 15

_Enter_ HAMMON, WARNER, Huntsmen, _and_ Boy.

_Ham._ God save you, fair ladies.

_Sybil._ Ladies! O gross![2154]

_Warn._ Came not a buck this way?

_Rose._ No, but two does.

_Ham._ And which way went they? Faith, we ’ll hunt at those.

_Sybil._ At those? Upon some, no. When, can you tell?

_Warn._ Upon some, ay.

_Sybil._ Good Lord!

_Warn._ Wounds![2155] Then farewell! 20

_Ham._ Boy, which way went he?

_Boy._ This way, sir, he ran.

_Ham._ This way he ran indeed, fair Mistress Rose;

Our game was lately in your orchard seen.

_Warn._ Can you advise, which way he took his flight?

_Sybil._ Follow your nose; his horns will guide you right. 25

_Warn._ Th’ art a mad wench.

_Sybil._ O, rich!

_Rose._ Trust me, not I.

It is not like that the wild forest-deer

Would come so near to places of resort;

You are deceiv’d, he fled some other way.

_Warn._ Which way, my sugar-candy, can you shew? 30

_Sybil._ Come up, good honeysops, upon some, no.

_Rose._ Why do you stay, and not pursue your game?

_Sybil._ I ’ll hold my life, their hunting-nags be lame.

_Ham._ A deer more dear is found within this place.

_Rose._ But not the deer, sir, which you had in chase. 35

_Ham._ I chas’d the deer, but this dear chaseth me.

_Rose._ The strangest hunting that ever I see. But where ’s your

park? _She offers to go away._

_Ham._ ’T is here: O stay!

_Rose._ Impale me, and then I will not stray.

_Warn._ They wrangle, wench; we are more kind than they. 40

_Sybil._ What kind of hart is that dear heart you seek?

_Warn._ A hart, dear heart.

_Sybil._ Who ever saw the like?

_Rose._ To lose your heart, is ’t possible you can?

_Ham._ My heart is lost.

_Rose._ Alack, good gentleman!

_Ham._ This poor lost heart would I wish you might find. 45

_Rose._ You, by such luck, might prove your hart a hind.

_Ham._ Why Luck had horns, so have I heard some say.

_Rose._ Now, God, an ’t be his will, send Luck into your way.

_Enter the_ LORD MAYOR _and_ Servants.

_L. Mayor._ What. Master Hammon? Welcome to Old Ford!

_Sybil._ Gods pittikins,[2156] hands off, sir! Here ’s my lord. 50

_L. Mayor._ I hear you had ill luck, and lost your game.

_Ham._ ’T is true, my lord.

_L. Mayor._ I am sorry for the same.

What gentleman is this?

_Ham._ My brother-in-law.

_L. Mayor._ Y’ are welcome both; sith Fortune offers you

Into my hands, you shall not part from hence,

Until you have refresht your wearied limbs. 56

Go, Sybil, cover the board! You shall be guest

To no good cheer, but even a hunter’s feast.

_Ham._ I thank your lordship.—Cousin, on my life,

For our lost venison I shall find a wife. 60

_Exeunt_ [_all but_ MAYOR].

_L. Mayor._ In, gentlemen; I ’ll not be absent long.—

This Hammon is a proper gentleman,

A citizen by birth, fairly allied;

How fit an husband were he for my girl!

Well, I will in, and do the best I can, 65

To match my daughter to this gentleman. _Exit._

ACT III

SCENE I.[2157]

_Enter_ LACY [_as_ HANS], Skipper, HODGE, _and_ FIRK.

Skip. _Ick sal yow wat seggen, Hans; dis skip dot comen from Candy,

is all vol, by Got’s sacrament, van sugar, civet, almonds, cambrick,

end alle dingen, towsand towsand ding. Nempt it, Hans, nempt it vor u

meester. Daer be de bils (5) van laden. Your meester Simon Eyre sal

hae good copen. Wat seggen yow, Hans?[2158]_

_Firk. Wat seggen de reggen de copen, slopen_—laugh, Hodge, laugh! 9

_Hans. Mine liever broder Firk, bringt Meester Eyre tot del signe un

Swannekin; daer sal yow finde dis skipper end me. Wat seggen yow,

broder Firk? Doot it, Hodge._[2159] Come, skipper.

_Exeunt._

_Firk._ Bring him, quoth you? Here ’s no (14) knavery, to bring

my master to buy a ship north the lading of two or three hundred

thousand pounds. Alas, that’s nothing; a trifle, a bauble, Hodge.

_Hodge._ The truth is, Firk, that the merchant owner of the ship

dares not shew his head, (20) and therefore this skipper that deals

for him, for the love he bears to Hans, offers my master Eyre a

bargain in the commodities. He shall have a reasonable day of

payment; he may sell (24) the wares by that time, and be an huge

gainer himself.

_Firk._ Yea, but can my fellow Hans lend my master twenty porpentines

as an earnest penny?

_Hodge._ Portuguese, thou wouldst say; here (29) they be, Firk; hark,

they jingle in my pocket like St. Mary Overy’s bells.

_Enter_ EYRE _and his_ Wife [MARGERY].

_Firk._ Mum, here comes my dame and my master. She ’ll scold, on my

life, for loitering this Monday; but all ’s one, let them all say

what they can, Monday ’s our holiday. 35

_Marg._ You sing, Sir Sauce, but I beshrew your heart.

I fear, for this your singing we shall smart.

_Firk._ Smart for me, dame; why, dame, why?

_Hodge._ Master, I hope you ’ll not suffer my dame to take down your

journeymen. 40

_Firk._ If she take me down, I ’ll take her up? yea, and take her

down too, a button-hole lower.

_Eyre._ Peace, Firk; not I, Hodge; by the life of Pharaoh, by the

Lord of Ludgate, by this beard, every hair whereof I value at a

(45) king’s ransom, she shall not meddle with you.—Peace, you

bombast-cotton-candle-quean; away, queen of clubs; quarrel not with

me and my men, with me and my fine Firk; I ’ll firk you, if you do. 50

_Marg._ Yea, yea, man, you may use me as you please; but let that

pass.

_Eyre._ Let it pass, let it vanish away; peace! Am I not Simon Eyre?

Are not these my (54) brave men, brave shoemakers, all gentlemen of

the gentle craft? Prince am I none, yet am I nobly born, as being

the sole son of a shoemaker. Away, rubbish! vanish, melt; melt; like

kitchen-stuff. 59

_Marg._ Yea, yea, ’t is well; I must be call’d rubbish,

kitchen-stuff, for a sort[2160] of knaves.

_Firk._ Nay, dame, you shall not weep and wail in woe for me. Master,

I ’ll stay no longer; here ’s an inventory of my shop-tools. Adieu,

master; Hodge, farewell. 65

_Hodge._ Nay, stay, Firk; thou shall not go alone.

_Marg._ I pray, let them go; there be moe maids than Mawkin, more men

than Hodge, and more fools than Firk. 70

_Firk._ Fools? Nails! if I tarry now, I would my guts might be turn’d

to shoe-thread.

_Hodge._ And if I stay, I pray God I may be turn’d to a Turk, and set

in Finsbury[2161] for boys to shoot at.—Come, _Firk._ 75

_Eyre._ Stay, my fine knaves, you arms of my trade, you pillars of

my profession. What, shall a tittle-tattle’s words make you forsake

Simon Eyre?—Avaunt, kitchen-stuff! Rip, you brown-bread Tannikin;

out of my sight! Move me not! Have not I ta’en you from selling 81

tripes in Eastcheap, and set you in my shop, and made you hail-fellow

with Simon Eyre, the shoemaker? And now do you deal thus (84) with my

journeymen? Look, you powder-beef-quean, on the face of Hodge, here

’s a face for a lord.

_Firk._ And here ’s a face for any lady in Christendom. 89

_Eyre._ Rip, you chitterling, avaunt! Boy, bid the tapster of the

Boar’s Head fill me a dozen cans of beer for my journeymen.

_Firk._ A dozen cans? O, brave! Hodge, now I ’ll stay.

_Eyre._ [_in a low voice to the_ Boy.] An the (95) knave fills any

more than two, he pays for them. [_Exit_ Boy. _Aloud._]—A dozen

cans of beer for my journeymen. [_Re-enter_ Boy.] Here, you mad

Mesopotamians, wash your livers (99) with this liquor. Where be the

odd ten?—No more, Madge, no more.—Well said.[2162] Drink and to

work!—What work dost thou, Hodge? What work?

_Hodge._ I am a making a pair of shoes for my lord mayor’s daughter,

Mistress Rose. 105

_Firk._ And I a pair of shoes for Sybil, my lord’s maid. I deal with

her.

_Eyre._ Sybil? Fie, defile not thy fine work-manly fingers with the

feet of kitchenstuff (109) and basting-ladles. Ladies of the court,

fine ladies, my lads, commit their feet to our apparelling; put

gross work to Hans. Yark[2163] and seam, yark and seam!

_Firk._ For yarking and seaming let me alone, an I come to’t. 115

_Hodge._ Well, master, all this is from the bias.[2164] Do you

remember the ship my fellow Hans told you of? The skipper and he

are both drinking at the Swan. Here be the Portuguese (119) to give

earnest. If you go through with it, you cannot choose but be a lord

at least.

_Firk._ Nay, dame, if my master prove not a lord, and you a lady,

hang me.

_Marg._ Yea, like enough, if you may loiter and tipple thus. 125

_Firk._ Tipple, dame? No, we have been bargaining with Skellum

Skanderbag:[2165] can you Dutch spreaken for a ship of silk Cyprus,

laden with sugar-candy. 129

_Enter_ Boy _with a velvet coat and an Alderman’s gown_. EYRE _puts

them on_.

_Eyre._ Peace, Firk; silence, Tittle-tattle! Hodge, I’ll go through

with it. Here’s a seal-ring, and I have sent for a guarded gown[2166]

and a damask cassock. See where it comes; look here, Maggy; help me,

Firk; apparel me, Hodge; silk and satin, you mad Philistines, 135

silk and satin.

_Firk._ Ha, ha, my master will be as proud as a dog in a doublet, all

in beaten[2167] damask and velvet. 139

_Eyre._ Softly, Firk, for rearing[2168] of the nap, and wearing

threadbare my garments. How dost thou like me, Firk? How do I look,

my fine Hodge?

_Hodge._ Why, now you look like yourself, master. I warrant you,

there ’s few in the (146) city but will give you the wall,[2169] and

come upon you with[2170] the right worshipful.

_Firk._ Nails, my master looks like a threadbare cloak new turn’d and

drest. Lord, Lord, (149) to see what good raiment doth! Dame, dame,

are you not enamoured?

_Eyre._ How say’st thou, Maggy, am I not brisk? Am I not fine?

_Marg._ Fine? By my troth, sweetheart, very fine! By my troth, I

never likt thee so well (155) in my life, sweetheart: but let that

pass. I warrant, there be many women in the city have not such

handsome husbands, but only for their apparel; but let that pass too.

159

_Re-enter_ HANS _and_ SKIPPER.

Hans. _Godden day, mester. Dis be de skipper dat heb de skip van

marchandice; de commodity ben good; nempt it, master, nempt it._[2171]

_Eyre._ Godamercy, Hans; welcome, skipper. Where lies this ship of

merchandise? 164

Skip. _De skip ben in revere; dor be van sugar, civet, almonds,

cambrick, and a towsand, towsand tings, gotz sacrament; nempt it,

mester: ye sal heb good copen._[2172]

_Firk._ To him, master! O sweet master! (169) O sweet wares! Prunes,

almonds, sugar-candy, carrot-roots, turnips, O brave fatting meat!

Let not a man buy a nutmeg but yourself.

_Eyre._ Peace, Firk! Come, skipper, I’ll go aboard with you.—Hans,

have you made him drink? 175

_Skip. Yaw, yaw, ic heb veale gedrunck._[2173]

_Eyre._ Come, Hans, follow me. Skipper, thou shalt have my

countenance in the city. _Exeunt._

_Firk. Yaw heb veale gedrunck_, quoth ’a. They may well be called

butter-boxes, when (180) they drink fat veal and thick beer too. But

come, dame, I hope you’ll chide us no more.

_Marg._ No, faith, Firk; no, perdy,[2174] Hodge. I do feel honour

creep upon me, and which is more, a certain rising in my flesh; but

let that pass. 186

_Firk._ Rising in your flesh do you feel, say you? Ay, you may be

with child, but why should not my master feel a rising in his flesh,

having a gown and a gold ring on? But you are such a shrew, you ’ll

soon pull him down. 191

_Marg._ Ha, ha! prithee, peace! Thou mak’st my worship laugh; but

let that pass. Come, I’ll go in; Hodge, prithee, go before me; Firk,

follow me. 195

_Firk._ Firk doth follow: Hodge, pass out in state. _Exeunt._

SCENE II.[2175]

_Enter the_ EARL OF LINCOLN _and_ DODGER.

_Linc._ How now, good Dodger, what’s the news in France?

_Dodger._ My lord, upon the eighteenth day of May

The French and English were prepar’d to fight;

Each side with eager fury gave the sign

Of a most hot encounter. Five long hours 5

Both armies fought together; at the length

The lot of victory fell on our side.

Twelve thousand of the Frenchmen that day died,

Four thousand English, and no man of name

But Captain Hyam and young Ardington, 10

Two gallant gentlemen, I knew them well.

_Linc._ But Dodger, prithee, tell me, in this fight

How did my cousin Lacy bear himself?

_Dodger._ My lord, your cousin Lacy was not there.

_Linc._ Not there?

_Dodger._ No, my good lord.

_Linc._ Sure, thou mistakest. 15

I saw him shipp’d, and a thousand eyes beside

Were witnesses of the farewells which he gave,

When I, with weeping eyes, bid him adieu.

Dodger, take heed.

_Dodger._ My lord, I am advis’d[2176]

That what I spake is true: to prove it so, 20

His cousin Askew, that suppli’d his place,

Sent me for him from France, that secretly

He might convey himself thither.

_Linc._ Is ’t even so?

Dares he so carelessly venture his life

Upon the indignation of a king? 25

Has he despis’d my love, and spurn’d those favours

Which I with prodigal hand pour’d on his head?

He shall repent his rashness with his soul;

Since of my love he makes no estimate,

I ’ll make him wish he had not known my hate. 30

Thou hast no other news?

_Dodger._ None else, my lord.

_Linc._ None worse I know thou hast.—Procure the king

To crown his giddy brows with ample honours,

Send him chief colonel, and all my hope 34

Thus to be dash’d! But ’t is in vain to grieve,

One evil cannot a worse relieve.

Upon my life, I have found out his plot;

That old dog, Love, that fawn’d upon him so,

Love to that puling girl, his fair-cheek’d Rose,

The lord mayor’s daughter, hath distracted him, 40

And in the fire of that love’s lunacy

Hath he burnt up himself, consum’d his credit,

Lost the king’s love, yea, and I fear, his life,

Only to get a wanton to his wife,

Dodger, it is so.

_Dodger._ I fear so, my good lord. 45

_Linc._ It is so—nay, sure it cannot be!

I am at my wits’ end, Dodger!

_Dodger._ Yea, my lord.

_Linc._ Thou art acquainted with my nephew’s haunts,

Spend this gold for thy pains; go seek him out.

Watch at my lord mayor’s—there if he live, 50

Dodger, thou shalt be sure to meet with him.

Prithee, be diligent.—Lacy, thy name

Liv’d once in honour, now ’t is dead in shame.—

Be circumspect. _Exit._

_Dodger._ I warrant you, my lord. _Exit._

SCENE III.[2177]

_Enter the_ L. MAYOR _and_ MASTER SCOTT.

_L. Mayor._ Good Master Scott, I have been bold with you,

To be a witness to a wedding-knot

Betwixt young Master Hammon and my daughter.

O, stand aside; see where the lovers come.

_Enter_ MASTER HAMMON _and_ ROSE.

_Rose._ Can it be possible you love me so? 5

No, no, within those eyeballs I espy

Apparent likelihoods of flattery.

Pray now, let go my hand.

_Ham._ Sweet Mistress Rose,

Misconstrue not my words, nor misconceive

Of my affection, whose devoted soul 10

Swears that I love thee dearer than my heart.

_Rose._ As dear as your own heart? I judge it right,

Men love their hearts best when th’ are out of sight.

_Ham._ I love you, by this hand.

_Rose._ Yet hands off now!

If flesh be frail, how weak and frail ’s your vow!

_Ham._ Then by my life I swear.

_Rose._ Then do not brawl; 16

One quarrel loseth wife and life and all.

Is not your meaning thus?

_Ham._ In faith, you jest.

_Rose._ Love loves to sport; therefore leave love, y’ are best.

_L. Mayor._ What? square[2178] they, Master Scott?

_Scott._ Sir, never doubt, 20

Lovers are quickly in, and quickly out.

_Ham._ Sweet Rose, be not so strange in fancying me.

Nay, never turn aside, shun not my sight:

I am not grown so fond, to fond[2179] my love

On any that shall quit it with disdain; 25

If you will love me, so;—if not, farewell.

_L. Mayor._ Why, how now, lovers, are you both agreed?

_Ham._ Yes, faith, my lord.

_L. Mayor._ ’T is well, give me your hand.

Give me yours, daughter.—How now, both pull back!

What means this, girl?

_Rose._ I mean to live a maid. 30

_Ham._ (_Aside._) But not to die one; pause, ere that be said.

_L. Mayor._ Will you still cross me, still be obstinate?

_Ham._ Nay, chide her not, my lord, for doing well;

If she can live an happy virgin’s life,

’T is far more blessed than to be a wife. 35

_Rose._ Say, sir, I cannot: I have made a vow,

Whoever be my husband, ’t is not you.

_L. Mayor._ Your tongue is quick; but Master Hammon, know,

I bade you welcome to another end.

_Ham._ What, would you have me pule and pine and pray, 40

With “lovely lady,” “mistress of my heart,”

“Pardon your servant,” and the rhymer play,

Railing on Cupid and his tyrant’s-dart;

Or shall I undertake some martial spoil,

Wearing your glove at tourney and at tilt, 45

And tell how many gallants I unhors’d—

Sweet, will this pleasure you?

_Rose._ Yea, when wilt begin?

What, love rhymes, man? Fie on that deadly sin!

_L. Mayor._ If you will have her, I’ll make her agree.

_Ham._ Enforced love is worse than hate to me.

[_Aside._] There is a wench keeps shop in the Old Change, 51

To her will I—it is not wealth I seek.

I have enough—and will prefer her love

Before the world.—[_Aloud._] My good lord mayor, adieu,

Old love for me, I have no luck with new. _Exit._

_L. Mayor._ Now, mammet,[2180] you have well behav’d yourself, 56

But you shall curse your coyness if I live.—

Who’s within there? See you convey your mistress

Straight to th’ Old Ford! I’ll keep you straight enough,

Fore God, I would have sworn the puling girl

Would willingly accepted Hammon’s love; 61

But banish him, my thoughts!—Go, minion, in! _Exit_ ROSE.

Now tell me, Master Scott, would you have thought

That Master Simon Eyre, the shoemaker,

Had been of wealth to buy such merchandise?

_Scott._ ’T was well, my lord, your honour and myself 66

Grew partners with him; for your bills of lading

Shew that Eyre’s gains in one commodity

Rise at the least to full three thousand pound

Besides like gain in other merchandise. 70

_L. Mayor._ Well, he shall spend some of his thousands now,

For I have sent for him to the Guildhall.

_Enter_ EYRE.

See, where he comes.—Good morrow, Master Eyre.

_Eyre._ Poor Simon Eyre, my lord, your shoemaker.

_L. Mayor._ Well, well, it likes[2181] yourself to term you so. 75

_Enter_ DODGER.

Now Master Dodger, what’s the news with you?

_Dodger._ I’d gladly speak in private to your honour.

_L. Mayor._ You shall, you shall.—Master Eyre and Master Scott,

I have some business with this gentleman;

I pray, let me entreat you to walk before 80

To the Guildhall; I’ll follow presently.

Master Eyre, I hope ere noon to call you sheriff.

_Eyre._ I would not care, my lord, if you might call me

King of Spain.—Come, Master Scott.

[_Exeunt_ EYRE _and_ SCOTT.]

_L. Mayor._ Now, Master Dodger, what ’s the news you bring? 85

_Dodger._ The Earl of Lincoln by me greets your lordship,

And earnestly requests you, if you can,

Inform him where his nephew Lacy keeps.

_L. Mayor._ Is not his nephew Lacy now in France?

_Dodger._ No, I assure your Lordship, but disguis’d 90

Lurks here in London.

_L. Mayor._ London? Is’t even so?

It may be; but upon my faith and soul,

I know not where he lives, or whether he lives:

So tell my Lord of Lincoln.—Lurk in London?

Well, Master Dodger, you perhaps may start him; 95

Be but the means to rid him into France,

I’ll give you a dozen angels[2182] for your pains:

So much I love his honour, hate his nephew.

And, prithee, so inform thy lord from me.

_Dodger._ I take my leave. _Exit_ DODGER.

_L. Mayor._ Farewell, good Master Dodger.

Lacy in London? I dare pawn my life, 101

My daughter knows thereof, and for that cause

Deni’d young Master Hammon in his love.

Well, I am glad I sent her to Old Ford.

Gods Lord, ’t is late! to Guildhall I must hie;

I know my brethren stay[2183] my company. _Exit._ 106

SCENE IV.[2184]

_Enter_ FIRK, _Eyre’s wife_ [MARGERY, LACY _as_] HANS, _and_ ROGER.

_Marg._ Thou goest too fast for me, Roger. O, Firk.

_Firk._ Ay, forsooth.

_Marg._ I pray thee, run—do you hear?—run to Guildhall, and learn

if my husband, Master (5) Eyre, will take that worshipful vocation of

Master Sheriff upon him. Hie thee, good Firk.

_Firk._ Take it? Well, I go; an he should not take it, Firk swears to

forswear him. Yes, forsooth, I go to Guildhall. 10

_Marg._ Nay, when? Thou art too compendious and tedious.

_Firk._ O rare, your excellence is full of eloquence; how like a

new cart-wheel my dame speaks, and she looks like an old musty

ale-bottle[2185] (15) going to scalding.

_Marg._ Nay, when? Thou wilt make me melancholy.

_Firk._ God forbid your worship should fall into that humour;—I run.

_Exit._ 20

_Marg._ Let me see now, Roger and Hans.

_Hodge._ Ay, forsooth, dame—mistress, I should say, but the old term

so sticks to the roof of my mouth, I can hardly lick it off.

_Marg._ Even what thou wilt, good Roger; (25) dame is a fair name for

any honest Christian; but let that pass. How dost thou, Hans?

_Hans. Mee tanck you, vro._[2186]

_Marg._ Well, Hans and Roger, you see, God hath blest your

master, and, perdy, if ever (30) he comes to be Master Sheriff

of London—as we are all mortal—you shall see, I will have some

odd thing or other in a corner for your: I will not be your

back-friend;[2187] but let that pass. Hans, pray thee, tie my shoe. 35

_Hans. Yaw, ic sal, vro._[2188]

_Marg._ Roger, thou know’st the length of my foot; as it is none of

the biggest, so I thank God, it is handsome enough; prithee, let me

have a pair of shoes made, cork, good Roger, (40) wooden heel too.

_Hodge._ You shall.

_Marg._ Art thou acquainted with never a farthingale-maker, nor a

French hood-maker? I must enlarge my bum, ha, ha! How shall (45) I

look in a hood, I wonder! Perdy, oddly I think.

_Hodge._ [_Aside._] As a cat out of a pillory.— Very well, I warrant

you, mistress.

_Marg._ Indeed, all flesh is grass; and, (50) Roger, canst thou tell

where I may buy a good hair?

_Hodge._ Yes, forsooth, at the poulterer’s in Gracious Street.

_Marg._ Thou art an ungracious wag: perdy, (55) I mean a false hair

for my periwig.

_Hodge._ Why, mistress, the next time I cut my beard, you shall have

the shavings of it; but they are all true hairs.

_Marg._ It is very hot, I must get me a fan (60) or else a mask.

_Hodge._ [_Aside._] So you had need, to hide your wicked face.

_Marg._ Fie, upon it, how costly this world’s calling is; perdy, but

that it is one of the wonderful (65) works of God, I would not deal

with it.—Is not Firk come yet? Hans, be not so sad, let it pass and

vanish, as my husband’s worship says.

_Hans. Ick bin vrolicke, lot see yow soo._[2189] 70

_Hodge._ Mistress, will you drink[2190] a pipe of tobacco?

_Marg._ Oh, fie upon it, Roger, perdy! These filthy tobacco-pipes are

the most idle slavering baubles that ever I felt. Out upon it! God 75

bless us, men look not like men that use them.

_Enter_ RALPH, _being lame_.

_Hodge._ What, fellow Ralph? Mistress, look here, Jane’s husband!

Why, how now, lame? Hans, make much of him, he’s a brother of our

trade, a good workman, and a tall[2191] soldier. 80

_Hans._ You be welcome, broder.

_Marg._ Perdy, I knew him not. How dost thou, good Ralph? I am glad

to see thee well.

_Ralph._ I would to God you saw me, dame, as well

As when I went from London into France. 85

_Marg._ Trust me, I am sorry, Ralph, to see thee impotent. Lord,

how the wars have made him sunburnt! The left leg is not well; ’t

was a fair gift of God the infirmity took not hold a little higher,

considering thou camest from (90) France; but let that pass.

_Ralph._ I am glad to see you well, and I rejoice

To hear that God hath blest my master so

Since my departure.

_Marg._ Yea, truly, Ralph, I thank my (95) Maker; but let that pass.

_Hodge._ And, sirrah Ralph, what news, what news in France?

_Ralph._ Tell me, good Roger, first, what news in England?

How does my Jane? When didst thou see my wife? 100

Where lives my poor heart? She’ll be poor indeed,

Now I want limbs to get whereon to feed.

_Hodge._ Limbs? Hast thou not hands, man? Thou shalt never see a

shoemaker want bread, though he have but three fingers on a hand. 105

_Ralph._ Yet all this while I hear not of my Jane.

_Marg._ O Ralph, your wife,—perdy, we know not what ’s become of

her. She was here a while, and because she was married, grew more

stately than became her; I checkt her, and (110) so forth; away she

flung, never returned, nor said bye nor bah; and, Ralph, you know,

“ka me, ka thee.”[2192] And, so as I tell ye——Roger, is not Firk

come yet?

_Hodge._ No, forsooth. 115

_Marg._ And so, indeed, we heard not of her, but I hear she lives in

London; but let that pass. If she had wanted, she might have opened

her case to me or my husband, or to any of my men; I am sure, there’s

not any of them, (120) perdy, but would have done her good to his

power. Hans, look if Firk be come.

Hans. _Yaw, ik sal, vro._[2193] _Exit_ HANS.

_Marg._ And so, as I said—but, Ralph, why dost thou weep? Thou

knowest that naked (125) we came out of our mother’s womb, and naked

we must return; and, therefore, thank God for all things.

_Hodge._ No, faith, Jane is a stranger here; but, Ralph, pull up a

good heart. I know thou (130) hast one. Thy wife, man, is in London;

one told me, he saw her a while ago very brave[2194] and neat; we’ll

ferret her out, an London hold her.

_Marg._ Alas, poor soul, he’s overcome (135) with sorrow; he does

but as I do, weep for the loss of any good thing. But, Ralph, get

thee in, call for some meat and drink, thou shalt find me worshipful

towards thee.

_Ralph._ I thank you, dame; since I want limbs and lands, 140

I’ll trust to God, my good friends, and my hands. _Exit._

_Enter_ HANS _and_ FIRK _running_.