_Such little wasps, and yet so full of spite;
For bulk mere insects, yet in mischief strong._
Tate's Juvenal
For some hours I was inconsolable; but at length tired nature befriended
me, and I wept myself to sleep. The next morning, before I was
sufficiently awake for recollection, I again, in a confused sense of
pain, began my instinctive wailing. I was, however, somewhat comforted
by the examination of my new jet ornaments; and the paroxysms of my
grief thenceforth returned at lengthening intervals, and with abating
force. Yet when I passed my mother's chamber-door, and remembered that
all within was desolate, I would cast myself down at the threshold, and
mix with shrieks of agony the oft-repeated cry of Mother! mother! Or,
when I was summoned to the parlour, where no one now was concerned to
promote my pastimes, or remove my difficulties, or grant my
requests,--on the failure of some of my little projects, I would lean my
head on her now vacant seat, and vent a quieter sorrow, till reproof
swelled it into loud lamentation.
These passing storms my father found to be very hostile to the calm
which he had promised himself in a fortnight of decent seclusion from
the cares of the counting-house. Besides, I became, in other respects,
daily more troublesome. The only influence which could bend my stubborn
will being now removed, he was hourly harassed with complaints of my
refractory conduct. It was constantly, 'Sir, Miss Ellen won't go to
bed,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't get up,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't have her
hair combed,'--'Sir, Miss Ellen won't learn her lesson.' My father
having tried his authority some half-a-dozen times in vain, declared,
not without reason, that the child was completely spoiled; so, by way
of a summary cure for the evil, so far at least as it affected himself,
he determined to send me to a fashionable boarding-school.
In pursuance of this determination I was conveyed to ---- House, then
one of the most polite seminaries of the metropolis, and committed to
the tuition of Madame Dupre. My father, who did not pique himself on his
acquaintance with the mysteries of education, gave no instructions in
regard to mine, except that expense should not be spared on it; and he
certainly never found reason to complain that this injunction was
neglected. For my own part, I submitted, without opposition, to the
change in my situation. The prospect of obtaining companions of my own
age reconciled me to quitting the paternal roof, which I had of late
found a melancholy abode.
A school,--it has been observed so often, that we are all tired of the
observation,--a school is an epitome of the world. I am not even sure
that the bad passions are not more conspicuous in the baby commonwealth,
than among the 'children of a larger growth;' since, in after-life,
experience teaches some the policy of concealing their evil
propensities; while others, in a course of virtuous effort, gain
strength to subdue them. Be that as it may, I was scarcely domesticated
in my new abode ere I began at once to indulge and to excite the most
unamiable feelings of our nature.
'What a charming companion Miss Percy will make for Lady Maria,' said
one of the teachers to another who was sitting near her. 'Yes,' returned
the other in a very audible whisper, 'and a lovely pair they are.' The
first speaker, directing to me a disapproving look, lowered her voice,
and answered something of which only the words 'not to be compared'
reached my ear. The second, with seeming astonishment at the sentiments
of her opponent, and a glance of complacency to me, permitted me to hear
that the words 'animation,' 'sensibility,' 'intelligence,' formed part
of her reply. The first drew up her head, giving her antagonist a
disdainful smile; and the emphatical parts of her speech were, 'air of
fashion,' 'delicacy,' 'mien of noble birth,' &c. &c. A comparison was
next instituted aloud between the respective ages of Lady Maria and
myself; and at this point of the controversy, the said Lady Maria
happened to enter the room.
I must confess that I had reason to be flattered by any personal
comparison between myself and my little rival, who was indeed one of the
loveliest children in the world. So dazzling was the fairness of her
complexion, so luxuriant her flaxen hair, so bright her large blue
eyes, that, in my approbation of her beauty, I forgot to draw from the
late conversation an obvious inference in favour of my own. But I was
not long permitted to retain this desirable abstraction from self. 'Here
is a young companion for you, Lady Maria,' said the teacher:--'come, and
I will introduce you to each other.'
Her little Ladyship, eyeing me askance, answered, 'I can't come now--the
dress-maker is waiting to fit on my frock.'
'Come hither at once when you are desired, young lady,' said my
champion, in no conciliating tone; and Lady Maria, pouting her pretty
under lip, obeyed.
The teacher, who seemed to take pleasure in thwarting her impatience to
begone, detained her after the introduction, till it should be
ascertained which of us was eldest, and then till we should measure
which was tallest. Lady Maria, who had confessed herself to be two years
older than I was, reddened with mortification when my champion
triumphantly declared me to have the advantage in stature. It was not
till the little lady seemed thoroughly out of humour that she was
permitted to retire; and I saw her no more till we met in school, where
the same lesson was prescribed to both. Desirous that the first
impression of my abilities should be favourable, I was diligent in
performing my task. Perhaps some remains of ill-humour made Lady Maria
neglect hers. Of consequence, I was commended, Lady Maria reproved. Had
the reproof and the commendation extended only to our respective degrees
of diligence, the equitable sentence would neither have inflamed the
conceit of the one, nor the jealousy of the other; but my former
champion, whose business it was to examine our proficiency, incautiously
turned the spirit of competition into a channel not only unprofitable
but mischievous, by making our different success the test of our
abilities, not of our industry; and while I cast a triumphant glance
upon my fair competitor, I saw her eyes fill with tears not quite 'such
as angels shed.'
At length we were all dismissed to our pastimes; and 'every one strolled
off his own glad way;' every one but I; who finding myself, for the
first time in my life, of consequence to nobody, and restrained partly
by pride, partly by bashfulness, from making advances to my new
associates, sat down alone, looking wistfully from one merry party to
another. My attention was arrested by a group more quiet than the rest;
where, however, my new rival seemed to play the orator, speaking very
earnestly to two of her companions, and laying one hand on the shoulder
of each, as if to enforce attention. Her Ladyship spoke in whispers, for
good manners are not hereditary; casting, at intervals, such glances
towards me as showed that I was the subject of remarks not over
laudatory.
Presently the group began to move; and Lady Maria, leading it, as if by
accident, to the place where I sat, accosted me with an air of
restrained haughtiness. 'Pray, Miss Percy,' said she, 'are you of the
Duke of Northumberland's family?'--'No,' answered I.--'What Percys,
then, do you belong to?'--'I belong to my father, Mr. Percy, the great
West India merchant, in Bloomsbury Square,' returned I, not doubting
that my consequence would be raised by this information. To my great
surprise, however, Lady Maria's ideas of my importance did not seem
affected by this intelligence; for she said in a familiar tone, 'But who
was your grandfather, my dear? I suppose you had a grandfather!'--and
she looked round for applause at this sally.
Now it happened that I was then wholly ignorant of the dignity which may
be derived from this relative, having never heard whether I had a
grandfather or not; but I plainly perceived that the question was not
graciously meant; and therefore I answered, with mixed simplicity and
ill-humour, 'Oh! I am not a fool,--I know I must have had a grandfather;
but I think he could not be a duke, for I have heard papa say he had
just five shillings to begin the world with!'
'So, for aught you can tell,' said Lady Maria, shrugging her shoulders
and tittering, 'your father may be the son of a blacksmith or a
cobbler!'
'No, no,' interrupted one of her Ladyship's abettors, 'don't you hear
Miss Percy say that he owed his being to a crown!'
This piece of boarding-school wit seemed to delight Lady Maria, who,
looking me full in the face, burst into a most vociferous fit of
laughter; an impertinence which I resented with more spirit than
elegance, by giving her Ladyship a hearty box on the ear. A moment of
dead silence ensued; the by-standers looking at each in consternation,
while my pretty antagonist collected her breath for screams of pain and
rage.
The superior powers were speedily assembled on the field of conflict;
and the grounds of quarrel were investigated. The incivility of mine
adversaries was reproved; but my more heinous outrage was judged worthy
of imprisonment. In consequence of my being a stranger, it was proposed
that this punishment should be remitted, upon condition of my
apologising to Lady Maria, and promising future good behaviour. With
these conditions, however, I positively refused to comply; declaring
that, if they were necessary to my release, I would remain in
confinement till my father removed me from school. In vain did the
teachers entreat, and Madame Dupre command. I insisted, with sobs of
indignation, that Lady Maria was justly punished for her impertinence;
and stoutly asserted my right to defend myself from aggression. The
maintenance of order required that I should be subdued; and, finding me
altogether inflexible in regard to the terms of capitulation, the
governess, in spite of the wildest transports of my rage, committed me
to close custody.
Left to itself, my fury, by degrees, subsided into sullen resolution.
Conceiving that I had been unjustly treated, I determined not to yield.
This humour lasted till the second day of my captivity, when I began to
entertain some thoughts of a compromise with my dignity. Yet, when the
original terms were again proposed to me without abatement, pride
forbade me to accept what I had so often refused; and I remained another
day in durance. At last, when I was heartily wearied of solitude and
inaction, I received a visit from my champion; and though I had
stubbornly withstood higher authority, I was moved by remembrance of the
favour she had shown me, to consent, that, provided Lady Maria would
humble herself before me for her impertinence, I would apologise for the
blow which I had given. It was now her Ladyship's turn to be obstinate.
She refused to comply; so after another day's confinement I was
liberated unconditionally, as having sufficiently expiated my fault.
From that time an ill-humour prevailed between Lady Maria and myself,
which was kept alive by mutual indications of insolence and ill-will. It
had too little dignity to bear the name of hatred; and might rather be
characterised as a kind of snappishness, watchful to give and to take
offence. Our companions enlisted in our quarrels. By degrees almost
every girl in the school had been drawn to engage on one side or other;
and our mutual bickerings were often carried on with as much rancour as
ever envenomed the contests of Whig and Tory.
Of all my adherents, the last to declare in my favour, the most steady
when fixed, was Miss Juliet Arnold, the daughter of an insurance-broker
lately deceased. Mr Arnold, finding it impossible to derive from himself
or his ancestors sufficient consequence to satisfy his desires, was
obliged to draw for importance upon posterity, by becoming the founder
of a family; therefore, leaving his daughter almost in a state of
dependence, he bequeathed the bulk of a considerable fortune to his son.
This young gentleman calculated that the most frugal way of providing
for his sister would be to aid her in obtaining an establishment. Miss
Juliet Arnold, therefore, was educated to be married.
Let no simple reader, trained by an antiquated grandmother in the
country, imagine my meaning to be that Miss Arnold was practised in the
domestic, the economical, the submissive virtues; that she was skilled
in excusing frailty, enlivening solitude, or scattering sunshine upon
the passing clouds of life!--I only mean that Miss Arnold was taught
accomplishments which were deemed likely to attract notice and
admiration; that she knew what to withdraw from the view, and what to
prepare for exhibition; that she was properly instructed in the value of
settlements; and duly convinced of the degradation and misery of failure
in the grand purpose of a lady's existence. For the rest, nature had
done much to qualify Juliet for her profession; for she had a pliant
temper, and an easy address; she could look undesigning, and flatter
fearlessly; her manners were caressing, her passions cool, and her
person was generally agreeable, without being handsome enough to awaken
the caution of the one sex or the envy of the other. Even when a child,
she had an instinctive preference for companions superior to herself in
rank and fortune; and though she was far from being a general favourite,
was sure to make herself acceptable where she chose to conciliate.
Miss Arnold balanced long between my party and that of Lady Maria de
Burgh. She affected to be equally well inclined to both, and even
assumed the character of mediatrix. An invitation from Lady Maria to
spend the holidays at the seat of her father the Duke of C----, entirely
alienated Miss Arnold from my interests for a time; but just as she had
finished her preparations for the important journey, the fickle dame of
quality transferred her choice of a travelling companion to a young lady
of her own rank, whose holiday festivities she was desirous of sharing
in her turn.
From this time, Miss Arnold was my firm ally. She praised me much,
defended me pertinaciously, and, right or wrong, embraced my opinions.
Of course, she convinced me of her ardent affection for me; and I,
accustomed almost from my birth to love with my whole heart, seized the
first object that promised to fill the place which was now vacant there.
Miss Arnold and I, therefore, became inseparable. We espoused each
other's quarrels, abetted each other's frolics, assisted each other's
plots, and excused each other's misdemeanours. I smuggled forbidden
novels into school for her; and she introduced contraband sweetmeats for
me. In short, to use the language often applied to such confederations,
we were 'great friends.'
This compact was particularly advantageous to me; for having, partly
from nature, partly from habitual confidence of indulgence, a tendency
to blunt plain-dealing, I was altogether inadequate to the invention of
the hundred sly tricks and convenient excuses which I owed to the
superior genius of my confederate. Often when I would have resigned
myself, like a simpleton, to merited reproof, did she, with a bold
flight of imagination, interpose, and bear me through in triumph. If
these efforts of invention had been made in the cause of another, I
might have been tempted to brand them with their proper title; as it
was, I first learnt to pardon them because of their good nature, and
then to admire them for their ingenuity.
Meanwhile our education proceeded _selon les regles_. We were taught the
French and Italian languages; but, in as far as was compatible with
these acquisitions, we remained in ignorance of the accurate science, or
elegant literature to which they might have introduced us. We learnt to
draw landscape; but, secluded from the fair originals of nature, we
gained not one idea from the art, except such as were purely mechanical.
Miss Arnold painted beautiful fans, and I was an adept in the
manufacture of card purses and match figures. But had we been restricted
to the use of such apparel as we could make, I fear we should have been
reduced to even more than fashionable scantiness of attire. The
advertisements from ---- House protested that 'the utmost attention
should be paid to the morals of the pupils;' which promise was
performed, by requiring, that every Sunday afternoon, we should repeat
by rote a page of the Catechism, after which we were sent 'forth to
meditate, at even tide,' in the Park. We were instructed in the art of
wearing our clothes fashionably, and arranging our decorations with
grace and effect; but as for 'the ornaments of a meek and quiet spirit,'
they were in no higher estimation at ---- House than 'wimples and round
tires like the moon.'
At the end of seven years of laborious and expensive trifling, the only
accomplishment, perhaps, in which I had attained real proficiency, was
music. I had naturally a clear voice, a delicate ear, and a strong
sensibility to sweet sounds; but I should never have exercised the
perseverance necessary to excellence, had it not been from emulation of
Lady Maria de Burgh. This stimulant, of doubtful character, even when
untainted with the poison of enmity, operated so effectually, that I at
last outstripped all my competitors; and my musical powers were
pronounced equal to any which the public may command for hire. This
acquisition (I blush whilst I write it) cost me the labour of seven
hours a day!--full half the time which, after deducting the seasons of
rest and refreshment, remained for all the duties of a rational, a
social, an immortal being! Wise Providence! was it to be squandered
thus, that leisure was bestowed upon a happy few!--leisure, the most
precious distinction of wealth!--leisure, the privilege of Eden! for
which fallen man must so often sigh and toil in vain!
Not such were the sentiments with which at sixteen I reviewed my
acquirements. I considered them as not less creditable to my genius and
industry, than suitable to the sphere in which I expected to move; and I
earnestly longed to exhibit them in a world which my imagination peopled
with admiring friends. I had, besides, an indistinct desire to challenge
notice for gifts of more universal attraction. I knew that I was rich; I
more than half suspected that I was handsome; and my heart throbbed to
taste the pleasures and the pomps of wealth, but much more to claim the
respectful homage, the boundless sway, which I imagined to be the
prerogative of beauty.
In the summer of my sixteenth year, Lady Maria was removed from school
to accompany the duchess her mother, on a tour to the watering places;
and the accounts with which she favoured her less fortunate companions,
of her dresses, her amusements, and her beaux, stimulated my impatience
for release. My father at last yielded to my importunities; and
consented, that, at the beginning of the fashionable winter, I should
enter a world which looked so alluring from afar; where the objects,
like sparks glittering in the distant fallow, flashed with a splendour
which they owed only to the position of the eye that gazed on them.