Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
as when you find a trout in the milk.
--Thoreau
I had put myself to sleep by playing the name game. You start with
two A's, as in Alfred Adler, then go to AB, Anthony Boucher, and so
on--Arthur Clarke, Antal Dorati, Albert Einstein, Alexander Fleming. I
dropped off somewhere in the middle of the C's--Mickey Cohen or Norman
Corwin--and woke up knowing exactly where I was and wondering what time
it was.
It turned out to be 8 A.M., August 2d, according to Station WTRU,
which was playing wake-up music for the poor souls who had to work on
Saturday, and a fine warm day it looked like it would be. For me it
looked like it would be the same kind of cooped-in day, with nothing
to do but chomp at the bit and wax wroth at the aloof jailers who had
stolen my identity and sent it out to make me look ridiculous. He who
steals my purse steals trash, I thought, but he who steals my good
name.... They'd stolen both, these alien do-gooders with their sweet
mad reasonableness.
"They said it couldn't be done--couldn't be done!" the radio boomed.
Well, they done did it. I didn't know how, but they duplicated me and
sent me out to champion their cause while the original model languished
helpless in their cell, beset by commercials and growing a fine beard.
"Our traffic-conditions helicopter reports unusual tie-ups in various
suburban areas," WTRU was saying. "Traffic is bumper-to-bumper and
backed up for miles in some sections.... For a direct report we go to
our beeper-phone and we'll see if we can talk to the police department
in Haverstraw, New York, close to the scene of one of the major tie-ups
on Route 9W."
I perked up at that. Haverstraw is near High Tor on the west bank of
the Hudson River.
"My engineer tells me we've got Sergeant Kiefer of the Haverstraw
police on the beeper-phone. Go ahead, Sergeant Kiefer! Tell us, what's
the cause of the big traffic jam on Route 9W?"
Sergeant Kiefer came in, loud, clear and profane. "Some God damn jerks
are obeying the 20-mile speed limit," he said.
"Heh, heh, Sergeant Kiefer," the announcer said. "Remember, you're on
the beeper-phone. This is radio, you know! What's that you say about
the speed limit?"
"The speed limit's 20 miles an hour and there's two cars abreast on the
highway not going any faster. Traffic's backed up clear to Piermont to
the south."
"Piermont to the south," the announcer repeated, just as if it meant
something to him. "How about in the other direction, Sergeant?"
"Same God damn thing. Two other wise guys ambling along----"
"You're on the _air_, Sergeant!"
"Same thing, I mean. They're backed up north to Bear Mountain. It's
murder."
"Why don't you arrest them, Sergeant?"
"For what? For obeying the speed limit? It'd make more sense to arrest
the stupid jerks that posted the 20-mile limit on a state highway."
"Just a minute, Sergeant! We're getting a message from our WTRU
traffic-conditions helicopter that the lead cars, both northbound and
southbound, have banners reading 'Monolithians Obey the Law.' Can
you confirm that, Sergeant? Is it true that the Monolithian space
people are the instigators of this fantastic traffic tie-up up there
in--in--what county is that up there where you are anyway, Sergeant?"
"Rockland County. Yeah. That's what their signs say. One of the cars is
a Volkswagen and there's some guy in it says he's a reporter. Sam Kent
of World Wide. Legal Sam, the law-abiding man, he told us he was. You
know him?"
"I've heard of World Wide, Sergeant. It's one of the three wire
services we have here at WTRU to give you and all our listeners the
most complete, up-to-the-minute news of any station in the metropolitan
area. You say a reporter is personally instigating this mass traffic
tie-up?"
"He's legal. We can't touch him. You want to know anything else? I got
to get back to work here."
The announcer let him go back to work because he had to go back to work
himself--to wit, to put on a commercial about something that was more
lastingly odor-free than any other something.
So my alter ego had stolen not only my good name but my little red
Volkswagen as well. I hoped he was keeping it in second for his
20-mile-an-hour jaunt and not ruining the gear-box by trying to do 20
in third.
Then a more urgent thought occurred to me. Had Spurious Sam, the
Duplicated Man, gone home last night and posed as the lawful wedded
husband of Mae Kent? If that was the case I wasn't even missing, and no
one would ever have investigated young Harry's story of my capture.
"Let me out of this God damned trap!" I yelled, getting as profane as
Sergeant Kiefer. Nobody paid any attention.
My attention wandered during the next news item, which was about a
cabinet crisis in one of the Arab states, and I began to think about my
stomach. I still wasn't hungry, but a peculiar sensation was setting
in. I can only describe it as a hunger to be hungry.
I was also experiencing a thirst to be thirsty. For a while I
kept saying to myself, "You get more beer in your beer in New
Jersey"--parroting the words of one of the few clever commercials I had
heard. I stopped doing that when it began to sound idiotic--but then I
started asking myself: "Right about here wouldn't you like a beer?" and
the answer was almost beginning to be yes.
This led to my becoming cigarette-conscious. My mind flitted from one
slogan to another. Twenty thousand filter traps (or was it 40,000?).
You can light either end. Protects the T-Zone. Independent laboratory
tests prove.... Reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet. (I wasn't even
old enough to smoke when that one was current.) I'd walk a mile
for a Camel. Travels the smoke further. Wherever particular people
congregate....
Stop it, I told myself. You don't want a cigarette (wanting one). You
don't want a drink, Sam; they teetotalled you (but it was wearing off).
Why not go out to dinner tonight? (Medium rare, waiter; and lots of
mushrooms.) And then Mae--Mae, Mae! I wanted my cute little pregnant
wife, walking around flat-footed in her maternity blouse and smiling
secretly to herself over our burgeoning child.
It was right about here that the radio man dug out and started to play
an extremely associative song of Mae's and mine--_Who's Your Little
Whoozis_. And then I blacked out.