_A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle"_
Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, was an old officer,
whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks of the gout,
which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs, sublimated into
a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: he imputed the
inveteracy of his distemper to the mal-practice of a surgeon who had
administered to him, while he laboured under the consequences of
an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had inspired him with an
insurmountable antipathy to all the professors of the medical art, which
was more and more confirmed by the information of a friend at London,
who had told him, that it was a common practice among the physicians at
Bath to dissuade their patients from drinking the water, that the cure,
and in consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted.
Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few
general instructions he had received, used the waters without any
farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred and
contempt of the sons of Æsculapius, both by speech and gesticulations,
and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to that which he knew they
prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly in his condition. But he
did not find his account in this method, how successful soever it may
have been in other cases. His complaints, instead of vanishing, were
every day more and more enraged; and at length he was confined to his
bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to night, and from night to
morn, though still more determined than ever to adhere to his former
maxims.
In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the
town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who
triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed a
country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, early
one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and desire them
to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. In consequence of
this summons, the whole faculty put themselves in motion; and three
of the foremost arriving at the same instant of time, far from
complimenting one another with the door, each separately essayed to
enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage; while they
remained thus wedged together, they descried two of their brethren
posting towards the same goal, with all the speed that God had enabled
them to exert; upon which they came to a parley, and agreed to stand
by one another. This covenant being made, they disentangled themselves,
and, inquiring about the patient, were told by the servant that he had
just fallen asleep.
Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his
antichamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted
themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage
was filled, from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and the
people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck dumb
with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no
sooner made their lodgement good, than they began to consult about the
patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have considered
with great care and assiduity. The first who gave his opinion said, the
distemper was an obstinate arthritis; the second affirmed, that it was
no other than a confirmed lues; and the third swore it was an inveterate
scurvy. This diversity of opinions was supported by a variety of
quotations from medical authors, ancient as well as modern; but these
were not of sufficient authority, or at least not explicit enough, to
decide the dispute; for there are many schisms in medicine, as well as
in religion, and each set can quote the fathers in support of the tenets
they profess. In short, the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour,
as not only alarmed the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the
patient from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole
days. Had it been simply waking, he would have been obliged to them
for the noise that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been
relieved from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, he
fancied himself exposed: but this dreadful vision had been the result of
that impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable
anguish of his joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of being
allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great acuteness of sensation; and
the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at the same
time, he began to think his dream was realized, and, in the pangs of
despair, applied himself to a bell that stood by his bedside, which he
rung with great violence and perseverance.
This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three
doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his
chamber without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third
made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient
could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on him
at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of the
faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to his
master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these gaunt
ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such an
assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always considered
with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed to a most
inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited by his rage,
that, though his tongue denied its office, his other limbs performed
their functions: he disengaged himself from the triumvirate, who had
taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed with incredible agility,
and, seizing one of his crutches, applied it so effectually to one of
the three, just as he stooped to examine the patient's water, that his
tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while he himself fell motionless on
the floor.
This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every
man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door;
and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts of
individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the colonel,
far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled his weapon
with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect of persons; so
that few or none of them had escaped without marks of his displeasure,
when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again quite exhausted on his
bed.
[Illustration: 037]
Favoured by this respite, the discomfited faculty collected their hats
and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray; and perceiving the assailant
too much enfeebled to renew the attack, set up their throats altogether,
and loudly threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous
assault.
By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the
cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the
complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that
they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning,
he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his
lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.
Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneously
ceased; and each, in particular, at once comprehending the nature of
the joke, they sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained, in
unutterable shame and mortification, while Peregrine and his friend, who
took care to be passing that way by accident, made a full stop at
sight of such an extraordinary efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and
condition of every one as he appeared; nay, even made up to some of
those who seemed most affected with their situation, and mischievously
tormented them with questions touching this unusual congregation; then,
in consequence of the information they received from the landlord and
the colonel's valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the
company in town.
As it would have been impossible for the authors of the farce to keep
themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries of the physicians,
they made no secret of their having directed the whole; though they
took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as afforded no handle of
prosecution.
[Illustration: 040]