THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR?--NONSENSE, MAN! IT WAS ONLY TEN MINUTES BY
MY WATCH!"
_Cabman (insinuatingly)._ "WASN'T IT, MISS? WELL, THEN, I S'POSE IT
WAS A MISSIN' O' YOUR PRETTY FACE AS MADE IT SEEM THREE KERVARTERS OF
AN HOUR!"
(_Fare pays, and thinks the Cabman an extremely nice person._)]
[Illustration: _THE IDLE SERVANT._
_Mistress._ "YOU ARE AN EXCESSIVELY WICKED BOY, SIR! YOU HAVE BEEN A
VERY LONG TIME BRINGING ME THIS LETTER--AND I MUST INSIST UPON KNOWING
IN WHAT MANNER YOU HAVE BEEN IDLING AWAY YOUR TIME--SPEAK, SIR!"
_Domestic._ "BOO-HOO-'M! IF YOU PLEASE, 'M! _ME AND ANOTHER BUTLER_
WAS A-LOOKING AT PUNCH. BOO-HOO!!"]
[Illustration: _A LITTLE ROWLANDS' MACASSAR WANTED SOMEWHERE._
A HINT TO THE HORSE GUARDS.]
[Illustration: _FRIVOLITY_].
[Illustration: _WELL OVER! ANYHOW!_]
[Illustration: _THE RIDING-HAT QUESTION._
_Lucy._ "NOW TELL ME, MARY, WHICH IS THE BEST?"
_Mary (who is rather horsey)._ "WELL, DEAR, FOR TEA IN THE ARBOUR, AND
THAT SORT OF THING, PERHAPS THE LITTLE ROUND ONE; BUT IF YOU WANT TO
LOOK LIKE GOING ACROSS COUNTRY, THE CHIMNEY-POT ALL TO NOTHING!"]
[Illustration: _NOT A BAD JUDGE._
_Alimentive Boy._ "MY EYE, TOMMY, WOULDN'T I LIKE TO BOARD IN THAT
'OUSE JUST!"]
[Illustration: _OH, HOW JOLLY!_]
[Illustration: _THE BORES OF THE BEACH._
SO! AS IT'S A FINE DAY, YOU'LL SIT ON THE BEACH AND READ THE PAPER
COMFORTABLY, WILL YOU? VERY GOOD! THEN WE RECOMMEND YOU TO GET WHAT
GUINEA-PIGS, BRANDY-BALLS, BOATS, AND CHILDREN'S SOCKS, TO SAY NOTHING
OF SHELL-WORK BOXES, LACE COLLARS, AND THE LIKE, YOU MAY WANT, BEFORE
YOU SETTLE DOWN.]
[Illustration: _IMMENSE TREAT FOR THE PARTY CONCERNED._
_Master Jack._ "NOW, GRANNY, YOU MAY COME AND HAVE SOME JUMPS OVER OUR
DAISY CHAIN."]
[Illustration: _GOOD BLACKING._]
[Illustration: _OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES._
_Diana._ "WELL, ALFRED, I SUPPOSE YOU'VE MADE UP YOUR MIND TO JOIN A
RIFLE CORPS--EH?"
_Alfred._ "WHY, NO. YOU SEE, I'M MORE IN THE RIDING WAY. NOW, IF
THEY WILL GET UP SOME VOLUNTEER CAVALRY--WHY, I'LL FIND A MAN AND A
HORSE!"]
[Illustration: _CHAFF._
_Bus Conductor (slamming the door)._ "FULL INSIDE!"
_Facetious Driver._ "FULL INSIDE! WELL--SO YER OUGHT TO BE; YER HAD A
SIRLOIN OF BREAD AND CHEESE FOR YER TEA!"]
[Illustration: _THE INVALID._
_Master._ "WELL, SAUNDERS, I SEE YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO DO MUCH WITH THE
OLD SOW, AFTER ALL?"
_Saunders._ "WHY, YOU SEE MAISTER RICHARD, SHE WARENT TAKEN IN TIME,
THE POWER THING, SHE WARENT--SHE'S STRUV HARD TO GET ROUND, BUT THE
WEATHER'S AGIN HER, YE SEE. TO-DAY IT SHONE A BIT, AND I THOUGHT IT'D
DO HER GOOD TO GET OUT. SO IN THE WARM OF THE ARTERNOON I PUT HER IN
THE BARROW, AND TOOK HER FOR A LITTLE RIDE IN THE SUN!"]
[Illustration: _CURIOUS EFFECT OF RELAXING AIR._
_Traveller in the Isle of Wight._ "BLESS MY HEART! THERE'S THE BELL
RINGING ON THE PIER. HOLLO! WHY, WHERE'S THE CARPET BAG I LEFT IN THE
PASSAGE?"
_Hotel Keeper (faintly)._ "OH, HOW SHOULD I KNOW? DON'T ASK ME, I'M
ONLY THE LANDLORD. YOU HAD BETTER TRY IF YOU CAN'T WAKE ONE OF THE
WAITERS."]
[Illustration: _FLUNKEIANA._
_French Maid._ "YOU LIKE A--ZE--SEA-SIDE, M'SIEUR JEAN THOMAS?"
_John Thomas._ "_PAR BOKHOO_, MAMZELLE--_PAR BOOKHOO_. I'VE--AW--BIN
SO ACCUSTOMED TO--AW--GAIETY IN TOWN, THAT I'M--AW--A'MOST KILLED WITH
_ARNWEE_ DOWN HERE."]
[Illustration: _PLUCK!_
_Master Cock-Robin._ "I TELL YOU WHAT, UNCLE CHARLES--IF YOU ARE AT
ALL NERVOUS ABOUT THE GAROTTERS--I'LL WALK HOME WITH YOU!"]
[Illustration: _A LOVING CUP._]
[Illustration: _SKETCH ON THE SEA-COAST DURING THE GALE._
_Lord D-ndre-ry (to his Bwother)._ "A-A-A, I THAY THAM! WATHER A
DITHPLAY OF FIGGER--EH?"]
[Illustration: _A SLOW GAME._
_Chorus of Offended Maidens._ "WELL! IF CLARA AND CAPTAIN DE HOLSTER
ARE GOING ON IN THAT RIDICULOUS MANNER, WE MAY AS WELL LEAVE OFF
PLAYING."]
[Illustration: _SCENE--A MAN'S ROOMS IN THE TEMPLE._
(STEADY MAN SMOKES A SHORT PIPE, AND JAWS AT THE YOUNG SWELL LOUNGING
IN EASY CHAIR.)
_Steady Man._ "A MAN MUST _WORK_ NOW-A-DAYS, OR HE GETS LEFT BEHIND.
THE ONLY POSITION WORTH HAVING IS WHAT YOU MAKE FOR YOURSELF," &c., &c.
_Youthful Swell._ "OH, YES, I QUITE AGWEE WITH YOU ABOUT WORK. I DON'T
MIND WORK, YOU KNOW, IN A GENEWAL WAY--BUT I OBJECT TO WHAT I CALL
'WORK OF SUPERWEWOGATION!'"
_Steady Man._ "AND PRAY WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND BY THAT?"
_Youthful Swell._ "WHY--I MEAN I DON'T CARE TO DO ANYTHING I CAN GET
DONE FOR ME!"]
[Illustration: _CROQUET._]
[Illustration: _THE LATEST STYLE._]
[Illustration: _THE LAST NEW THING IN CLOAKS._
_Pretty Milliner (trying it on)._ "DO YOU THINK THIS WOULD SUIT THE
LADY, SIR?"
(_Little Tompkins begins to like shopping rather._)]
[Illustration: _FASHIONS IN HAIR._
_Lady Swell._ "OH, YES, YOU KNOW! QUITE NEW! THE OLD NETS AND BEAVERS'
TAILS GETTING AWFULLY COMMON, YOU KNOW!"]
[Illustration: _A RACE FOR A FARE._
EXCITEMENT OF THE HANSOM CABBIES ON THE APPEARANCE OF A SWELL OUT OF
THE SEASON.]
[Illustration: _TURNING THE TABLES; OR, A LITTLE SAUCE FOR THE GANDER._
_Henrietta (who is joking, of course)._ "I'VE BEEN THINKING, DEAR
CHARLES, THAT AS YOU REQUIRE CHANGE, IT WOULD BE SO NICE FOR YOU TO GO
DOWN WITH THE CHILDREN TO SOME QUIET PLACE AT THE SEA-SIDE, WHILE I
AND MRS. FRED SPANKER WENT TO BADEN-BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS--EH--?----"
[_This last being just what the wretch_ CHARLES _has been proposing to
himself and_ FRED SPANKER _for the last month_.]
[Illustration: _POOR FELLOW!_
_Frank_. "I KNOW THIS--I CAN'T STAND MANY MORE EVENING PARTIES, AND
IF I DON'T GET INTO THE COUNTRY AND HAVE A FEW DAYS' HUNTING, I SHALL
KNOCK UP!"]
[Illustration: "_NOW I'M PAPA._"]
[Illustration: _PUTTING IT BLANDLY._
_Jones (living in the plebeian locality of St. John's Wood)_. "I AM
ALSO EXTREMELY PARTICULAR ABOUT MY WINDOWS--IF YOU ENTER MY SERVICE, I
SHALL EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN THEM VERY CAREFULLY."
_John Thomas (from Belgravia)._ "OH, OF COURSE, SIR! YOU CAN HAVE
YOUR WINDOWS CLEANED IF YOU LIKE--BUT IN _BELGRAVIA_--WE PREFERS THEM
DIRTY--IT'S CONSIDERED MORE _ARISTOCRATIC_!"]
[Illustration: _THE UNEXPECTED ALWAYS HAPPENS._
THIS IS JONES, WHO THOUGHT TO SLIP DOWN BY THE RAIL EARLY IN THE
MORNING, AND HAVE A GALLOP WITH THE FOX-HOUNDS. ON LOOKING OUT OF
WINDOW, HE FINDS IT IS A CLEAR FROSTY MORNING. HE SEES A SMALL BOY
SLIDING--ACTUALLY SLIDING--ON THE PAVEMENT OPPOSITE!! AND--DOESN'T HE
HATE THAT BOY--AND DOESN'T HE SAY, IT IS A BEASTLY CLIMATE!!]
[Illustration: _ON A PARISIAN BOULEVARD._
PAINFUL AND HUMILIATING CONTRAST, TO THE DISADVANTAGE OF OUR POOR
LITTLE ENGLISH TRAVELLER, OF COURSE.]
[Illustration: _ON THE RACE COURSE._
THE RESPECTABLE CAPITALIST WHO WILL BET A THOUSAND TO ONE AGAINST
EVERYTHING, AND PAY IF HE LOSES--OF COURSE!]
[Illustration: _A NICE GAME FOR TWO OR MORE._.
"----FIXING HER EYES ON HIS, AND PLACING HER PRETTY LITTLE FOOT ON THE
BALL, SHE SAID, 'NOW, THEN, I AM GOING TO CROQUET YOU!' AND CROQUET'D
HE WAS COMPLETELY." (_From Rose to Emily_).]
[Illustration: _MUSCULAR EDUCATION--THE PRIVATE TUTOR._.
_Domestic._ "PROFESSOR MAULEY, MA'AM!"]
[Illustration: _FOND DELUSION._
_First Tourist (going North)._ "HULLO, TOMPK----"
_Second Ditto (ditto, ditto)._ "HSH--SH! CONFOUND IT, YOU'LL SPOIL
ALL. THEY THINK IN THE TRAIN I'M A HIGHLAND CHIEF!"]
[Illustration: _THE LATEST FASHION._
_Charles._ "SWEET STYLE OF TROWSER, GUS!"
_Gus._ "YA-AS! AND SO DOOSED COMFORTABLE. THEY'RE CALLED PANTALONS À
LA PEG-TOP!"
Charles. "NO!--REALLY!"]
[Illustration: _A SKETCH ON THE DOWNS._
_Jolly Post Boy of the Period._ "I SAY, BILL, DON'T YER WISH IT WAS
DARBY DAY ALL THE YEAR ROUND?"]
[Illustration: _THE GUARDIAN OF THE FIELD._]
[Illustration: _THE PIOUS PUBLIC-HOUSE._
(WHERE YOU MAY GET ADULTERATED BEER AND GIN.)
A PLACE IN WHICH THE GREAT BREWERS _DON'T_ SEE ANY PARTICULAR HARM]
[Illustration: _THE PROFLIGATE PASTRYCOOK'S._
(WHERE THEY SERVE THE DEMORALISING VEAL PIE AND GLASS OF SHERRY, OR
FRENCH LIGHT WINE.)
TOO SHOCKING TO THINK OF!]
[Illustration: _NO. 999 GOVERNMENT TRANSPORT. OFF QUEENSTOWN--VISITORS
ON BOARD._
_Party (in cheery tone, calculated to impart confidence to the weaker
sex)._ "FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME--THERE'S NO CAUSE FOR ALARM, I ASSURE
YOU. WOA--WO--WO--MY MAN--STEADY, MARE--WO! (_sotto voce._) I'M DEUCED
GLAD IT'S THEIR HEADS INSTEAD OF THEIR HEELS--WO'"]
[Illustration: _HONOUR TO THE BRAVE!_
_Flunkey (reads)._ "_Yesterday, thirty of the Invalids from the Crimea
were inspected * * * many of the gallant fellows were dreadfully
mutilated at the Alma and Inkermann. * * * After the inspection, ten
of the Guards were regaled in the Servants' Hall._"
_Flunkey (loq.)_. "REGALED IN THE SERVANTS' 'ALL! EH? WELL, I
DON'T THINK THEY'VE ANY CALL TO GRUMBLE ABOUT NOT BEIN' 'HONOURED
SUFFICIENT!'"]
[Illustration: _WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?_
WHY, THE FACT IS, THE STUPID AND GREEDY BOY HAS MISTAKEN FOR JAM, AND
SWALLOWED, A RATHER FINE SPECIMEN OF THE ACTINEA EQUINA, OR PURPLE SEA
ANEMONE WHICH AUNT FOOZLE HAS BROUGHT FROM THE COAST!]
[Illustration: _WEIGHT FOR AGE._
_Nurse_. "DRAT THE CHILD! WHY CANT YER WALK?--YER MORE PLAGUE THAN ALL
MY MONEY!"]
[Illustration: _BY THE FAST TRAIN._
_Railway Porter._ "ANY LUGGAGE, MISS?"
_Young Lady (who is also a leetle fast)._ "YES! PORTMANTEAU, A LITTLE
BAY HORSE AND A BLACK RETRIEVER!--AND LOOK HERE, GET ME A HANSOM!"]
[Illustration: "_IN THE BAY OF BISCAY, O!_"
THE LAST SWEET THINGS IN HATS AND WALKING-STICKS AT BIARRITZ.]
[Illustration: _THE GREAT WHISKER-CUTTING MOVEMENT._
_Unhappy Sub._ "BY JOVE, YOU KNOW, AS IF ALDERSHOT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH OF
ITSELF, WITHOUT DEPRIVING US OF THE ONLY AMUSEMENT WE HAD!"]
[Illustration: _THE LEGAL SOLFEGGIO._
(Musics: IN RE DOE VER SUS RICH ARD ROE.)]
[Illustration: _TOO BAD._
_Professor Pumper._ "MAY I ASK, MISS BLANK, WHY YOU ARE MAKING THOSE
LITTLE PELLETS?"
_Miss B._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW. IT IS A HABIT I HAVE. I ALWAYS MAKE
BREAD PILLS WHEN I FEEL BORED AT DINNER!"]
[Illustration: _END OF A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY._]
[Illustration: _A SHORT CUT THROUGH THE WOOD._
_Sporting Gent._ "'OUNDS BEEN THROUGH HERE, OLD MAN?"
_Old Man._ "YA'AS!"
_Sporting Gent._ "'OW LONG?"
_Old Man._ "FIVE-AND-TWENTY MINNITS ABOUT!"]
[Illustration: _PHEASANT SHOOTING. A WARM CORNER._]
[Illustration: _AT DIEPPE._
_Jones._ "H'M! HERE'S A PRETTY TO-DO! CAN'T FIND MY MACHINE NOW!"]
[Illustration: _MOSSOO LEARNING TO FLOAT._]
[Illustration: _DIVING BELLES._]
[Illustration: _BOIS DE BOULOGNE--FOR CAVALIERS ONLY._]
[Illustration: _A GAROTTE EFFECT._
THIS IS DE ROBINSON, WHO, IN HIS HURRY AND ANXIETY TO BE IN TIME FOR
DINNER, PUTS HIS KNUCKLE-DUSTERS IN HIS COAT-TAIL POCKET.
(SENSATION SCENE.)]
[Footnote E: [Illustration: THE KNUCKLE-DUSTER, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT.]]
[Illustration: _ART TREASURES._
_Reginald (who has a fine taste, and is very fond of curious old
Glass)._ "NOW, UNCLE, HELP YOURSELF, AND PASS THE BOTTLE."]
[Illustration: _YOUNG AMERICA._]
[Illustration: _A FRESHENER ON THE DOWNS._]
[Illustration: _WHAT IS IT?_
_First Boy (loq.)._ "I TELL YER IT'S 'ED'S HERE!--I SEEN IT MOVE!"
_Second Ditto._ "I SAY IT'S AT THIS END, YER STOOPID!--I CAN SEE 'IS
EARS!"]
[Illustration: _A PAINFUL SUBJECT._
_Old Gent. (with tender feet)._ "NOW, BOY, BE VERY CAREFUL!"
_Boy._ "OH, YES, YOUR HONOUR! THESE 'ERE KNOBS 'LL TAKE A BEAUTIFUL
POLISH!"]
[Illustration: _PRUDENCE._
_Matilda (with the hat)._ "WELL, DEAR, NO ONE EVER PRESUMED TO ADDRESS
_ME_. STILL, AFTER ALL THE LETTERS IN THE PAPERS, I THINK NO GIRL OF
PREPOSSESSING APPEARANCE SHOULD EVER GO OUT UNPROTECTED; SO I ALWAYS
TAKE THOMPSON NOW!"]
[Illustration: _HUSH! HUSH!_
_Aunt (handling Young Lady's abundant hair)._ "WHAT A TROUBLE, DEAR
KITTY, YOUR HAIR IS TO ONE!"
_Dear Kitty._ "OH, AUNTY, IF IT'S A TROUBLE, WHY DON'T YOU PUT KITTY'S
HAIR IN YOUR DRAWER, JUST AS YOU DO WITH YOUR OWN?"]
[Illustration: _THE QUIP MODEST._
_Swell._ "BOY! WHO'S CAB'S THIS?"
_Boy._ "WHAT ODDS IS THAT TO YOU? DO YOU S'POSE MY GOV'N'R GIVES ME
BOARD WAGES TO TELL WHO BELONGS TO US?"]
[Illustration: _A STOUT ASSERTION._
_Old Party (reads)._ "CRYSTAL PALACE--THIS DAY--FÊTE OF THE AMATEUR
GYMNASTIC SOCIETY,--'THAT'S THE HOLIDAY FOR ME!'"]
[Illustration: _THE COURTESIES OF TRAVEL._
_Juvenile._ "DO YOU OBJECT TO MY SMOKING A CIGAR, SIR?"
_Elderly Party._ "OH NO, CERTAINLY NOT, IF IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SICK!"]
[Illustration: _LOOKING AT IT PLEASANTLY._
_Friend (on the bank)._ "WELL, JACK! HAVE YOU HAD PRETTY GOOD SPORT?"
_Jack._ "SPORT! IF YOU CALL IT SPORT TO HAVE NO WATER AND NO FISH, AND
TO PAY NINETY POUNDS FOR THREE WEEKS OF IT, I'VE HAD PLENTY!"]
[Illustration: _PRACTISING ON A PATIENT._
_Young Practitioner._ "H'M, VERY ODD--! MUST HAVE MADE SOME MISTAKE;
THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH _THIS_ TOOTH. NEVER MIND, TRY AGAIN!"]
[Illustration: _AN OFFICE INCIDENT._
_Infuriated Principal, opening Fast Clerk's telegram by mistake
(reads)._ "'TOM TIT' SURE TO WIN--TELEGRAPH AND SAY IF YOU WILL HAVE
PONY ON--IF SO, SEND CASH TO-DAY!"]
[Illustration: _GOING TO COVER._
_Brown (who has given Tomkins, from Town, a Mount)._ "YOU NEEDN'T BE
THE LEAST AFRAID. IT'S ONLY HIS PLAY. HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT AFTER HE HAS
BEEN OVER A FEW FENCES!"]
[Illustration: _THE BATTUE._
_Swell Keeper (to party assembled)._ "NOW, I WANTS A COUPLE O' LORDS
FORRAO--A COUPLE O' LORDS ON THE RIGHT, AND A COUPLE O' LORDS ON THE
LEFT!" (_Turning to humble Commoner in Knickerbockers and Zouave
gaiters._) "YOU TRY THE HIGH STUFF WITH THE BEATERS, AND TAKE YOUR
CHANCE OF A HARE BACK."]
[Illustration: _JOLLY ANGLERS._
OLD FLOAT AND TOM GENTLE DON'T GET ANY BITES, SO THEY LAND ON AN
ISLAND TO HAVE A QUIET SMOKE--THEY SUDDENLY DISCOVER THAT THE ROPE HAS
SLIPPED, AND THE BOAT IS DRIFTING DOWN THE RIVER! (_No one near for
miles._)]
[Illustration: _DINER À LA RUSSE._
_Host._ "STAY, STEVENS--WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SALMON? NOBODY HAS
HAD ANY OF IT!"
_Butler._ "PRAY, SIR, WHAT ARE WE TO HAVE FOR SUPPER?"]
[Illustration: _A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT._
_Mr. Bristles._ "THEN YOU REALLY THINK IT AN IMPROVEMENT, EH?"
_Miss Spikes._ "DECIDEDLY--IT HIDES SO MUCH MORE OF YOUR FACE."]
[Illustration: _A TRUE TALE._
THE EARTHQUAKE WAS FELT, TOO, IN MANY PARTS OF LONDON. THIS IS OLD
BEERY, THE CHURCHWARDEN, WHO DECLARES THAT WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE
MARQUIS OF GRANBY THE PAVEMENT HIT HIM ON THE NOSE, AND THAT HIS
STREET-DOOR WOULDN'T LET HIM GET HIS LATCH-KEY IN.]
[Illustration: _CURIOUS ECHO AT A RAILWAY STATION._
_Traveller._ "PORTER! PORTER!"
_Echo._ "DON'T YOU WISH YOU MAY GET HIM?"]
[Illustration: _A DIFFICULT TASK._
_Costermonger._ "NOW, MISTER, I WANTS MY DELICACY OF TOUCH RESTORED,
AND THE SEAL OF HELEGANCE IMPRESSED UPON MY BUNCH OF FIVES!"]
[Illustration: _DISSENTERS IN THE UNIVERSITY._
_Head of House._ "PRAY, SIR, MAY I ASK WHY YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDING
CHAPEL?"
_Sir Liabed Rattlecash._ "WHY, SIR, THE FACT IS--AW--THAT--I--AW--HAVE
BECOME A DISSENTER."]
[Illustration: _A DRAWING-ROOM._
_William._ "NOW, CHAWLES, AIN'T YOU READY? _OUR_ CARRIAGE IS AT THE
DOOR AND THE FOLKS ARE IN!"]
[Illustration: _SERVANTGALISM, &c.--No. XIV._
_Lady._ "THEN, WHY DID YOU LEAVE?"
_Domestic._ "WELL, MA'AM, IF YOU ARST ME, I B'LIEVE THE REEL REASON
WERE, THAT MISSUS THOUGHT I WERE TOO GOOD-LOOKING!"]
[Illustration: _AN OPPORTUNITY._
_Frederick (pointing to sleeping Cabby)._ "THERE, AUNT! NOW'S YOUR
TIME FOR A PAIR OF GLOVES!"]
[Illustration: _CHAMBER PRACTICE._
_Messenger (from Studious Party in the floor below)._ "IF YOU PLEASE,
SIR, MASTER'S COMPLIMENTS, AND HE SAYS HE'D BE MUCH OBLIGED IF YOU'D
LET HIM KNOW WHEN THE REPAIRS WILL BE FINISHED, FOR THE KNOCKING DO
DISTURB HIM SO!"]
[Illustration: _TAKING THE RISKS._
_First Undergraduate._ "HI! FRANK! HERE'S A GATE!"
_Second Undergraduate._ "GATE! I DIDN'T PAY TWO GUINEAS TO GO THROUGH
GATES, WITH SUCH LOVELY POSTS AND RAILS BEFORE ME!"]
[Illustration: _A TOLERABLY BROAD HINT._
_Cabby (after driving a couple of miles, suddenly stops opposite a
roadside Public House)._ "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR, BUT YOU DIDN'T
SAY AS WE WAS TO PULL UP ANYWHERES, DID YOU, SIR?"]
[Illustration: _CONSOLATION._
_Emily (to rejected Subs)._ "IT'S VERY DISAGREEABLE, CERTAINLY, TO
BE UNSUCCESSFUL IN YOUR EXAMINATIONS, AND SO MANY TIMES, TOO! BUT I
SHOULD WORK HARD, AND TRY AGAIN."
_Younger and much too sharp Brother._ "NEVER YOU MIND, CHARLEY! IT
PROVES THAT THERE'S NO WANT OF _PLUCK_ ABOUT YOU!"]
[Illustration: _A SIGN OF PROGRESS._
_Cousin Florence._ "WELL, TOMMY, AND SO YOU LIKE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
PHILIP, DO YOU? AND HOW OLD DO YOU THINK HE IS?"
_Tommy._ "WELL, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW; BUT I SHOULD THINK HE WAS
_RATHER_ OLD, FOR HE BLOWS _HIS OWN NOSE!_"]
[Illustration: _AN UNFEELING HUSBAND._
"NOW, MY LOVE!--ARE YOU NOT READY FOR CHURCH?"
"READY FOR CHURCH, MR. SMITH!--HOW YOU TALK!--WHEN YOU KNOW PERFECTLY
WELL THAT ODIOUS MISS JACKSON HAS NOT SENT HOME MY NEW BARÈGE DRESS!"]
[Illustration: _A LITTLE SMOKE-JACK._
_Small Foxhunter._ "HERE! STOP A BIT, MAJOR, HAVE ONE OF MINE! THE
GOVERNOR'S AIN'T IN GOOD CONDITION--NOW I'VE HAD MINE FOR EVER SO MANY
YEARS, AND THEY'RE SPLENDID!"]
[Illustration: _A VERY VULGAR SUBJECT._
_Boys._ "OH, AIN'T HE MOPS AND BROOMS, NEITHER!"
_Baker._ "WHY DON'T THEY TAKE HIM TO THE STATION?"
_Tender Female._ "HE'S ILL, POOR GENTLEMAN, HE SHOULD GO TO THE
HOSPITAL!"
_Cabby (contemptuously)._ "HILL! 'ORSEPITAL INDEED!--_I ONY WISH I'D
GOT ARF HIS COMPLAINT!_"]
[Illustration: _THE PHOTOGRAPH._
_Mary._ "WHY, TUMMAS, IT'S THE VERY MORAL OF YER!"
_Tummas._ "PRETTY THING, AIN'T IT? PITY THE YALLER OF THE UNIFORM
COMES SO BLACK!"]
[Illustration: _CRINOLINE FOR DOMESTIC USE._
_Domestic._ "BOTHER MISSUS. SHE WEARS IT HERSELF, AND I DON'T
SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T."]
[Illustration: _SOMETHING IN THAT!_
"NOW, TOM," SAID YOUNG JOE WAGLEY, "ONE OF US OUGHT TO GO ON THIS SIDE
OF THE HEDGE, AND ONE ON THE OTHER; SO I'LL TAKE THIS, IF YOU WILL GET
OVER THE STILE."--"OH, YES," REPLIED TOM; "BUT HOW ABOUT THE BULL?"]
[Illustration: _SALMON FISHING._
_Piscator._ "FOLLOW HIM UP! IT'S ALL VERY WELL TO SAY FOLLOW HIM UP!"]
[Illustration: _A MERE TRIFLE._
_Gertrude._ "BUT, MY DEAR ARTHUR, HOW CAME YOU TO GET SUCH A
'CROPPER,' AS YOU CALL IT?"
_Arthur._ "WELL! IT WAS JUST THE LITTLE BIT OF A PLACE WHERE A FELLOW
DOES GET SPILT SOMETIMES--THERE WAS A DITCH ABOUT A COUPLE OF YARDS
WIDE, AND THEN A HIGHISH BANK, YOU KNOW, WITH A STIFFISH QUICKSET
ON THE TOP--AND A NASTYISH POST AND RAILS JUST BEYOND--AND THEN
ANOTHER WIDISH SORT OF A DITCH AND INTO A FIELD WHERE THEY HAD BEEN
DRAINING--AND SO, YOU SEE, SOMEHOW OR OTHER, WE CAME TO GRIEF!"]
[Illustration: _REAL TRAGEDY._
_Old Party (proprietor of nasty yapping Pet Dog)._ "OH, POLICEMAN! MY
DARLING FLO JUST BIT THAT HORRID MAN'S LEG, AND HE HAS HIT HER WITH
HIS CANE."]
[Illustration: _ON DUTY._]
[Illustration: _A CONNOISSEUR._
AT A DINNER GIVEN BY MY LORD BRODACRES TO SOME OF HIS TENANTS, CURAÇOA
IS HANDED IN A LIQUEUR-GLASS TO OLD TURNIPTOPS, WHO, SWALLOWING IT
WITH MUCH RELISH, SAYS--"OI ZAY, YOUNG MAN! OI'LL TAK ZUM O' THAT IN A
MOOG!"]
[Illustration: _WELL TIMED._
_Boy._ "PLEASE, SIR, TELL ME THE TIME."
_Crusty old Gent._ "YES, SIR--BED-TIME."]
[Illustration: _SINGULAR OPTICAL DELUSION._
_Gentleman._ "THERE, LOVE: DO YOU SEE THAT STEAMER?"
_Lady._ "OH, DISTINCTLY! THERE ARE TWO."]
[Illustration: _THE NEW SCHOOL._
_Uncle (who is rather proud of his cellar)._ "NOW, GEORGE, MY BOY,
THERE'S A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE FOR YOU--DON'T GET SUCH STUFF AT SCHOOL,
EH? EH? EH?"
_George._ "H'M--AWFULLY SWEET! VERY GOOD SORT FOR LADIES--BUT I'VE
ARRIVED AT A TIME OF LIFE, WHEN I CONFESS I LIKE MY WINE _DRY_!"
(_Sensation._)]
[Illustration: _DELICIOUS!_
HUNTING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.--A MOUNT IN THE MIDLANDS.]
[Illustration: _A QUIET REBUKE._
_Fare (who has driven rather a hard bargain and is settling)._ "BUT
WHY, MY GOOD MAN, DO YOU PUT THAT CLOTH OVER THE HORSE'S HEAD?"
_Car-Driver._ "SHURE, YER HONOUR, THIN--I SHOULDN'T LIKE HIM TO SEE
HOW LITTLE YE PAY FOR SUCH A HARD DAYS WOR-RK!"]
[Illustration: _THE CONTEMPLATIVE MAN'S RECREATION._
_Brown (excited)._ "HI, JONES!--NET! NET! NET!--MAKE HASTE, OR I SHALL
LOSE HIM!"
_Jones (who is rather giddy and nervous)._ "EH!--AH!--RIGHT!--TO
BE SURE!--YES!--I--I--I--I'M COMING--AS FAST--AS--OH DEAR!--AS
POSSIBLE!"]
[Illustration: _A CONTENTED MIND._
_Old Wurzel._ "WELL, MUSTER CHAWLES, SO YOU'VE BEEN A RIDING THE YOUNG
UN.--HOW DOES HE GO?"
_Muster Chawles._ "OH, SPLENDID! NEVER CARRIED BETTER IN MY LIFE! IT
WAS HIS FIRST RUN, AND WE ONLY CAME DOWN FIVE TIMES!"]
[Illustration: _HOUSEHOLD ECONOMY._
PATERFAMILIAS, WITH HIS USUAL PRUDENCE AND FORESIGHT, ORDERS A
QUANTITY OF BEER OF THE OCTOBER BREWING. HE HAS JUST BEEN INFORMED
THAT ALL THE BARRELS ARE "A-WORKIN' AND A-BUSTIN'!"]
[Illustration: _THE HUMOUR OF THE STREETS._
_Butcher Boy (and Butcher Boys are so impudent)._ "NOW THEN, SWIPEY!
ARE YOU GOING TO STOP THERE TILL YOU GET _FINE_, AFORE YOU _DRAW
YOURSELF OFF_?"]
[Illustration: _THE FASHION FOR NEXT SUMMER._
_Flora._ "THERE! I DON'T THINK THE STUPID MEN CAN LAUGH AT US NOW!"]
[Illustration: _INNOCENT DELUSIONS._
_Georgina._ "DO YOU KNOW, DEAR, I'M SO UNHAPPY NOW DEAR CHARLES HAS
GONE!"
_Gertrude._ "AND I MISS DEAR PERCY DREADFULLY--I DO HOPE THEY'LL GET
HOME SAFELY!"]
[Illustration: _A HORSEDEALER'S LOGIC._
_Customer._ "WHY, YOU DON'T CALL _THAT_ A HUNTER, DO YOU?"
_Dealer._ "WELL, SIR, I'LL TELL YOU ALL I KNOW ABOUT THE 'ORSE. HAD
HIM DOWN FROM 'ORNCASTLE FAIR LAST WEEK--PUT JIMMY ON HIM, WOULDN'T
'ACK A YARD--PUT HIM IN THE BREAK, WOULDN'T DRAW A BOUNCE. NOW, THE
'ORSE NEVER COULD HAVE BEEN CREATED FOR NOTHING; SO HE MUST BE A
HUNTER!"]
[Illustration: _OYSTERS._
_Itinerant Oyster Man._ "NOW, THEN--HAVE ANOTHER DOZEN, IF YOU'VE GOT
ANY MORE MONEY!!"]
[Illustration: _QUITE EXHAUSTED._]
[Illustration: _A GRIEVANCE._
_Testy Old Gent (to Butler)._ "CLARET! YES! PUT IT DOWN; AND PRAY,
SIMPSON, DON'T BLOW UPON MY HEAD SO."]
[Illustration: _IMPROVING THE TIME._
AS SLEEP IS OUT OF THE QUESTION, OWING TO THOSE CONFOUNDED WAITS, MR.
BANGS, LIKE A SENSIBLE PERSON, ACCOMMODATES HIMSELF TO CIRCUMSTANCES,
AND PRACTISES HIS DANCING!]
[Illustration: _RAILWAY MORALS._
_Guard._ "NOW, MISS! ARE YOU GOING BY THIS TRAIN?"
_Miss Rebecca._ "YES! BUT I MUST HAVE A CARRIAGE WHERE THERE ARE NO
YOUNG MEN LIKELY TO BE RUDE TO ONE."]
[Illustration: _THE CHRISTENING OF JONES'S FIRST. (A FACT.)_
_First Street Boy (without veneration, or sense of propriety)._
"HOLLA! BILL! WHAT'S ALL THIS 'ERE?"
_Second Street Boy (without ditto, ditto, ditto)._ "WHY--DON'T YER
SEE?--IT'S ONLY A KITTEN GOING TO BE 'UNG!"]
[Illustration: _GROUNDLESS ALARM._
_Darling (in straw hat)._ "WHAT ARE YOU BUYING, DEAR?"
_Darling (in black hat)._ "WHY, I'M BUYING A _PUNCH_. THE IMPUDENT
THING HAS PUT ME IN AS ONE OF HIS GIRLS!"]
[Illustration: _RATHER A KITCHENY WAY OF PUTTING IT._
_Housemaid._ "OH--BUT IT COULDN'T A BIN 'ER!"
_Cook._ "I TELL YER IT WERE--SHE CALLED UPON MISSUS THIS MORNING, AND
SHE 'AD ON A PORK PIE 'AT, AND HALF A PHEASANT STUCK IN IT!"]
[Illustration: _A GEOGRAPHICAL JOKE._
_Impertinent Page (late from the dining-room)._ "I SAY, COOKEY AND
SOOSAN, YOU MAKE A PRECIOUS FUSS ABOUT A FLEA,--HOW'D YER LIKE TO BE
WHERE THE BLACK SEA SAILORS IS NOW?"
_Susan._ "WHERE'S THAT, IMPERANCE?"
_Page._ "WHY, MASTER SAYS IT'S WHERE THE BUG AND THE NIPPER (DNIEPER)
MEET IN ONE BED!"
(_Sensation and loud cries of "Oh!"_)]
[Illustration: _A SPECIAL PLEADER._
_Fair Equestrian._ "NOW, DON'T BE A CROSS OLD PUNCH; WE REALLY WON'T
SPOIL THE BEAUTY OF THE GARDENS."]
[Illustration: _ANXIOUS INQUIRERS._
ILL! OH, DEAR NO! ONLY INDISPOSED--TO WALK.]
[Illustration: _VERY SLANGY._
_Clara._ "HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW WAISTCOAT, DEAR?"
_Harriette._ "WELL, I DECLARE IT'S SWEETLY PRETTY!--THE
MOST--A--A--THE MOST SLAP UP THING I'VE SEEN FOR A LONG TIME."]
[Illustration: _HORRID GIRL!_
_Mild Youth._ "HAVE YOU SEEN 'THE COLLEEN BAWN'?"