CATCHING SUCKERS—BITING MYSELF—THE HOSPITAL NURSE AND MAIL ORDER
SCHEME—WORKING SALOON MEN ON BIBLE RACKET.
As I have already hinted, the work of the fakir changes with the
seasons, and though some winters it was possible to continue street
business successfully, especially by travel in the south, yet as a rule
I have usually altered my route and plans to correspond with the
climate.
My partner was of the same opinion, and late in the fall turned his face
homeward, working as he went. There had been no friction between us; he
had been very honorable in his division of the spoils, and I confess I
parted from him with many regrets. We did talk of getting together again
the next spring, but the life of a fakir is full of uncertainties, so
that his best laid plans will often “gang awry.” I did not see him again
for perhaps half a dozen years.
Then, one day I came across him very unexpectedly in the street. He had
experienced ups and downs since our parting, and just then was rather
down than up. He actually tried to work me with the “pop-corn” racket.
That, you know, is a sort of game of chance, and, like all other
propositions of the kind, when the banker knows his business, as it is
safe to gamble that he does, the chances, if there are any, remain in
his favor.
I knew the doctor in a moment, and when he seemed to put a five-dollar
bill into a ball of pop-corn, which he mixed with half a dozen other
balls and then offered me my choice for a quarter, I felt like shouting.
Instead of that, I gravely handed him the quarter, appeared to hesitate
long over my choice, but finally selected the ball farthest away from
me.
What followed was a surprise, for without examining the ball, or
attempting to open it, I tossed it into the street.
“Come, doc,” I said, “you don’t mean to say you don’t remember me—Jim
Weldon? How has the world been using you, old man?”
He gave me a second glance, and knew me then fast enough, so we shook
hands heartily. He told me how the failure of a promising legitimate
business venture had put him flat on his back, but that he had gone to
work once more at the foot of the ladder, hoping by spring to be able to
start on the road again in something of his old style. Poor fellow. I
gave him, at parting, as big a stake as he would accept, and heard from
him a few months later, when he was preparing for the campaign, but he
died the next summer of yellow fever.
As I have said, the summer campaign had been successful and I had wealth
galore. If I preferred to do so I could live after a modest fashion
until spring came again without doing a stroke, and I was once more
anxious to get into harness. I made a short visit home, where they were
all glad to see me, and then started out for a visit to some of the
eastern cities. I not only wanted to see their methods and style, but to
get in closer touch with the men who largely produced the novelties by
the sale of which I expected to make my living.
The trip paid me well. There was not, now, much of the green country
youth in me or my appearance, but I cut a few eye-teeth nevertheless. By
this time I had taken on age, so that I could easily pass for a man half
a dozen years older than I really was, and I imagined I was pretty well
up in all the tricks of the trade. But I found that I had a great many
to learn, and I proceeded to learn them. I discovered that there were
plenty of men in my line who sold nothing but the output of their
brains, and that brought the highest kind of a price. Also that there
were many lines of business, which I had always taken to be of the
staidest, soberest, most legitimate nature, which, after all, were
handled after the style of the greatest fakes I had ever handled on the
road. Some of them I decided to try in the future when the time seemed
propitious; others seemed to be a little overpowering to suit even me.
When it was all outgo and no income, of course, my sight-seeing began to
get away with my money, and though my pocket could stand the stream for
some time to come, I could not bear to be idle. It was not long before I
had mastered the situation and drifted into an humble effort of
occupation.
At first my efforts were largely for the purpose of experience, and to
give me something to do. It was really in a spirit of fun that I spread
my first nets to catch suckers. It was by no means the line I had ever
expected to follow, but there was a fascination about it, after I once
began to employ printer’s ink, which led me on until, before long, I was
about as bad as the worst of the class, while I had the remarkable good
fortune of not being brought up with a round turn. Once in a while a
fellow who gets too fresh falls into the hands of the police and must
answer to the law.
Once, in my younger days, I enclosed a dime in answer to an
advertisement which promised to tell applicants how to travel without
paying railroad fare. The response I got was, “Walk instead of ride.”
This is a fair pattern of many fakes; and to my great amusement, and
somewhat to my profit, I tested the calibre of a number of them that
winter at a trifling expense. You know the old saying, “A sucker is born
every minute.” I did not consider myself a sucker by any means, and yet
I did considerable “biting” while I was considering the ways and means
of my brethren of the trade.
I may say that my own opinion is, the postal authorities of those days
were neither so keen nor vigilant as they are now, or these fellows
would not have gotten along without more trouble. There were not so
many, and before I got through I had traced them out and knew them all.
I had also got myself posted on the advertising sheets which had the
widest circulation, and the best line of readers. I knew that when an
ad. appeared in their pages, if the scheme was a good one and the work
artistically done, results were pretty apt to accrue in a short time.
What sort of fakes were they? Well, for instance, how does this strike
you? In those days the Louisiana Lottery was in full swing, and the
fellow who advertised a sure “system” to catch the capital prize must
have made a little fortune. The answer that he gave me in return for my
dime was: “Hold the winning number.”
One of the best ads. I saw was headed, “How to Make Money Fast.” I sent
in ten cents. I received a little book containing full particulars of
the U. S. mint.
“How to make Pantaloons Last” was a catchy heading, and though I
suspected the answer I dropped another dime in the slot and obtained the
information, “Make the Coat and Vest First.”
The last one I tested offered for a dime full instructions on the
subject, “How to Get Rich Without Working.” I was told to catch suckers,
like they did.
That settled it with me. There was nothing to be learned from the gentry
of that ilk, and I began to cast about with the view of taking this very
sensible advice.
I did not propose to rob the people, however, mentally deciding my
suckers should get as little hook and as much bait as was possible for
the money.
I hunted up an intelligent young drug clerk, who had done some medicine
reading in his time, and who was not averse to making the expenses of a
future course at a medical college by assisting me to carry out what I
had in view. From the doctor with whom he had been reading he obtained
what was really a first-class prescription for piles, to which, guided
by his knowledge, we made certain additions.
Then I inserted the following advertisement:
“Free.—A Valuable Remedy for Piles. Free. Address ‘Retired Hospital
Nurse,’ No. 66 N—– St., New York.”
Inquiries by mail came pouring in from all over the country. Most of the
correspondents enclosed postage stamps, and to those who did not we
wrote anyhow, enclosing the prescription. I wrote to each of them about
as follows:
“Dear Sir:—Your favor of recent date just received, and I take
great pleasure in sending you the prescription, as advertised. I
desire to particularly caution you that it must be used strictly
in accordance with directions. Have it put up at a place where
only first-class drugs are kept. The articles are so delicate
that they must be pure and fresh.
“You may find it difficult to procure a few of the ingredients
named in this prescription, especially if you reside in a small
town. I would inform you that in such case I have made
arrangements with a reliable pharmacist here, who will put up
the entire prescription and forward it by express, all charges
prepaid, for one dollar and thirty cents.
Yours truly,
“HOSPITAL NURSE.”
As the ingredients I had hinted at as hard to procure, though they had
nice sounding names, never were heard of by any country druggists; those
who decided to use the prescription according to the direction
invariably sent me their orders, and I returned them a number one,
tip-top pile remedy, which cost just thirty cents. My partner got
materials at wholesale prices, and now-a-days every one knows the
tremendous profits at which such things are sold at retail.
I did not live economically by any means, but after I got started this
thing more than paid my expenses, while my friend and partner, the drug
clerk, had enough laid up to insure his diploma as an M. D., and
probably this very day would as soon think of dying as running a
professional advertisement in a newspaper.
I worked this pile scheme until the novelty of it wore off, and then
began to think of hitting the road again. It was while making the rounds
in New York City, looking for something to handle, that I accidentally
strolled into a trade auction house.
I made a purchase there, which, for a time, I feared was going to turn
out a total loss. I bought three hundred and eighty pocket bibles. My
bid was made “for fun,” and when they were knocked down to me at a
ridiculously low price I had to take them, though I had no idea of how
they were going to be disposed of. I was not exactly the sort of
individual, either in manner or appearance, to travel around selling the
good book; and I had my doubts if I could get rid of them, even if I
tried.
They were beauties, though, bound in morocco, with gilt edges and tuck
covers; and the longer I had them the more I was convinced there were
plenty of people hungering and thirsting for the books, if I only knew
who they were, and how to reach them.
At last I hit upon a plan. I always did hit a plan if I took the time,
and that was my weak point. I was apt to waste many precious moments in
reflection which should have been used in action.
What I thought of was this:
Through the aid of several different city directories I secured the
names of hundreds of saloon-keepers. As a class—outside of their own
business, which I do not at all revere—they are a jolly, happy-go-lucky
lot of people, who admire what has the appearance of a practical joke,
are free with their money, and are on the best of terms with all the
world and the rest of mankind.
I wrapped each book in a neat and separate package, and distributed the
whole lot so that the three hundred and eighty volumes would reach three
hundred and eighty different saloon-keepers on Christmas day, each one
priced “One dollar, C. O. D.”
One day ahead I sent out to each individual I had marked as my own a
letter like the following:
“Dear Brother:—The good book hath said, ‘There is a time for
everything,’ and there is a time to turn from earthly joys and
earthly gains and think of those mansions in the skies which one
day will be our lot if we only redeem the accepted time. It has
well been said, ‘Prepare thy souls for the Resurrection day and
the judgment,’ To do this you must read the good book, else you
cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.
“I send you today by express a nice pocket edition of the bible.
If you think it may save your soul, take it and pay the charges.
If you have no confidence in the holy book do not receive it. In
any case, God bless you. From
“A FRIEND.”
About one-third of the bibles were accepted on the first delivery. I
took my money, which was more than half profit, and magnanimously
presented the express company with the remaining unclaimed packages,
suspecting that every one of them would be a dead loss to me.
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