_How Guzman excited the compassion of a Cardinal, and what followed._
Having risen one fine morning betimes, as was usual with me, I seated
myself at the gate of a Cardinal who passed for one of the most
charitable men in Rome, having first taken great pains to swell and
dress up one of my legs into an ulcer, which might have deceived the
most skilful surgeons. I had not, on this occasion, forgotten to make my
face as pale as possible, for I should have been inexcusable indeed had
I committed the same fault twice. I began begging in the most dolorous
tone that my voice was capable of, and several of the servants who were
passing in and out were much affected by my plaintive moans: but this
was merely practising for the game I had in view. It was the pity of
their master that I hoped to excite, who no sooner made his appearance
than I redoubled my cries and complaints, addressing him in these words:
“O noble Christian! friend of Jesus Christ! take pity on a poor
afflicted sinner, diseased and crippled in the flower of his age; be
pleased, your Eminence, to take compassion on my misery, and praised be
the passion of our Redeemer.”
The Cardinal, who was a holy man, stopped to listen to me; and hoping to
please the Lord in extending his charity towards me, he turned to his
domestics, saying, “Take this poor wretch in your arms, and convey him
into my chamber; there let these rags be taken from off him, furnish
him with clean linen, lay him in my own bed, and have another prepared
for me in the next apartment.” These orders were instantly obeyed. O
charity which may serve for an example to other prelates, who in general
consider Heaven as indebted to them, when they pay the slightest
attention to the misery of the poor! The Cardinal did not stop here, but
sent for two of the most celebrated surgeons in Rome, desiring them to
examine my leg, and do every thing in their power to cure it; and after
having promised to reward them well for their trouble, he left them to
their own proceedings.
On the faith of this promise, the surgeons immediately began to inspect
my ulcer, which at first seemed to them incurable. Mortification seemed
already to have taken place. This was occasioned, however, by nothing
but the herbs I had applied, and could only last for a certain time,
after which, by omitting the application, my leg would have been
restored to its natural healthy state. They then threw off their cloaks,
drew out their cases, and ordered some fire to be brought them in a
chaffing-dish, some fine white linen, and some eggs and milk. While all
these things were preparing, they began to question me concerning my
disorder, how long I had been afflicted with it, and if I knew how I
first came by it? if I drank any wine? what I was accustomed to eat? In
short, they asked me all the questions usual with persons of their
profession on such occasions, to which I was not able to answer a word,
so dreadfully frightened was I at the terrible preparations that were
making before my eyes. I knew not what Saint I could presume to implore,
for I could not flatter myself that there was one to be found in Heaven
willing to intercede for such a knave as myself. I began to reflect on
what had so recently happened to me at Gaeta, and could scarcely hope
to escape in this instance with so slight a punishment.
The surgeons, after having turned my leg in all directions twenty times
over, retired into another chamber, to discourse together, and
communicate their observations to each other more privately. I was
terribly alarmed as to what would be the result of this consultation,
not knowing but they might decide on cutting my leg off. I leaped
straightway out of bed, therefore, to follow and listen to them, fully
resolving to confess the truth, if I should find they had determined
upon amputation. I approached the door, and while I listened most
attentively to their conversation, heard one of these sages say to the
other: “We may make a good job of this, brother, if we can understand
each other; the leg is dreadfully inflamed, and must take a long time to
cure.” “You certainly must be jesting,” answered the other, “there is no
more inflammation on that leg than on my hand: it is a description of
disorder which I am sure I can convince you may be removed in less than
two days.” “Do not believe it,” replied he who had first spoken; “by St.
Comas, I flatter myself I have some knowledge in ulcers, and I do
maintain that this is a decided mortification.” “No, no,” retorted the
other; “believe me, our patient is an arrant rogue, and has no real
disorder whatever to complain of; I know well enough how a sham ulcer
may be raised, for I have often met with similar cases, and can even
tell you the herbs this impostor has made use of to reduce his leg into
its present apparently diseased state.”
The surgeon who had been my dupe was quite abashed at these words; but
thinking that it concerned his reputation to persist in his first
assertion, he would not yield to his comrade’s opinion. The dispute
would have grown very hot between them, had not the second surgeon been
politic enough to terminate it by entreating his brother to examine the
leg afresh. “Just inspect it again,” said he, “and you will no longer
doubt the deception.” “Willingly,” replied the other; “and if I find the
ulcer such as you have affirmed, I will readily yield to your judgment.”
“That is not enough,” replied the former; “in acknowledging your error,
you must also agree that I deserve to have a greater share of the
profits than you.” “By no means,” cried his companion; “do not take so
much merit to yourself for such a discovery, which I might have made
without your assistance. I insist that we share equally whatever fees
his Eminence may give us.” They disputed afresh on this point, and their
quarrel grew so high that they came at length to the resolution of
laying the full particulars of the case before the Cardinal.
When I found how things were likely to end, I hesitated no longer, but
entered the room suddenly, threw myself at their feet, and with tears
in my eyes, (for I had a peculiar talent in being able to cry when I
would) addressed them in these words:--“Take compassion, my dear
gentlemen, on one who is but a man like yourselves. You well know that
the rich are so hard-hearted now-a-days, that it is impossible for the
poor to excite their pity, otherwise than by covering themselves with
wounds and sores, and that it is but seldom that we can obtain any thing
but the most miserable pittance even by these means. What can you gain
by discovering my knavery? you will lose the reward which has been
promised you, which cannot escape you if you can consent that we all
three concert matters together. You may safely venture to place
confidence in me, for the fear of punishment will insure my discretion.”
The surgeons, after a little reflection, made up their minds to profit
by this opportunity of touching the Cardinal’s money. This was no
sooner agreed than we returned to his Eminence’s chamber, where they
seated me on a chair, and began to re-examine my leg, which they
plastered up with the drugs they considered most likely to make the sore
last as it was. They then bound it up, and wrapped a napkin round it,
and, observing the Cardinal enter the room at that very instant, took me
up in their arms to keep up appearances, and placed me on the bed again.
His Eminence, who was extremely uneasy on account of my ulcer, inquired
about it immediately. “My Lord,” said one of the surgeons with a grave
countenance, “this poor lad’s situation is truly pitiable; his leg is
already mortified; we trust, however, that with God’s assistance, we may
be able to do something for him, but his cure must be the work of time.”
“It is most fortunate for him,” said the other surgeon, “that he has
this day fallen into our hands; one day more must have proved fatal;
and Heaven had certainly ordained that his life should be saved by
sending him to the door of your Eminence.”
The Cardinal was extremely pleased at this report, and told them that
they might take as much time as they pleased, provided they cured me in
the end. He besought them afresh to neglect nothing that might
contribute to my recovery, promising that he would see that I should be
well treated in his house. They assured him that his confidence should
not be misplaced, and that they would not fail, one or other of them, to
call and see me twice a day; for that it would be necessary for them to
consult together upon the slightest change that might take place in my
disorder. After this they withdrew, and left me more at ease in my mind;
for to this moment I had been very suspicious of these two treacherous
rascals, lest they should expose my knavery while they pretended to be
accomplices. These unconscionable dogs obliged me to keep my chamber for
three months, which appeared three ages to me, so difficult is it to
lose the desire for gaming and begging. In vain did I lie in a fine bed;
in vain did I fare like his Eminence himself; nothing could recompense
me for such confinement. At length, I pressed, I tormented my surgeons
so eternally to bring this comedy to an end, that they were obliged at
last to yield to my importunities. They left my ulcer, therefore, to
take its course, and when they found that my leg was restored to its
natural state, acquainted the good Cardinal with it, who was quite
astonished at so wonderful a cure, and dismissed these quacks, after
having paid them much more than they deserved. His Eminence had been so
kind as to pay me several visits during the course of my pretended
illness. I had frequent conversations with this holy prelate, who
having discovered in me a sort of wit which pleased him, had taken a
great fancy to me. As a proof of which he proposed and seemed to wish to
take me into his service, among the number of his pages; an honour which
was too gratifying to me to think of refusing.