* * * * *
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of
stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do
you hear?"
"I will sir."
And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably
astonished to hear Pat sing:
"Sweet Dreamland Faces
Passing to and fro,
Change here for Limerick,
Galway and Mayo."
* * * * *
"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet."
"Yes, if you give him the proper steer."
* * * * *
"That man has had five wives."
"Tandem or simultaneously?"
"I don't understand."
"Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"
* * * * *
HE--How does it happen that none of you women have come forward
with a new currency plan?
SHE--Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need currency we
just sit down and cry for it.
* * * * *
A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.
* * * * *
Letters from, a soldier of fortune--I.O.U.
* * * * *
"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry,
"That Jane a gambler should marry."
"I'm not at all," her sister says,
"You know he has such _winning ways_!"
* * * * *
Whether tall men, or short men are best,
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.
* * * * *
An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a
photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went
inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:
"I want to have a pichtur taken av meself an' me bruther. How
much?"
The proprietor named the figure.
"All right," said Pat. "Will you take it now?"
"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in
Ireland," was the reply.
"Well my man," said the photographer, "we can't take his picture
unless he is here."
"That's funny," said Pat. "Ye took a pichtur of the divil, an'
he's down below."
* * * * *
"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?"
"Yes, a duck."
"What! a wild one?"
"No, but the farmer was wild."
* * * * *
HE--"The fact is, you women make fools of the men."
SHE--"Sometimes, perhaps; but sometimes we don't have to."
* * * * *
"What was the subject of your debate this evening?"
"Whisky."
"Was it well discussed?"
"Yes, most of the members were full of the subject."
* * * * *
THE DOCTOR--"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What
part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?"
THE PROFESSOR--"You are one of the cranks."
* * * * *
"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"
"Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."
* * * * *
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me
something to help my memory. I forget so easily."
DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."
* * * * *
If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?
To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
* * * * *
"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military
honors?"
"He must be a captain."
"Then I lose the bet."
"What did you bet?"
"I bet he must be dead."
* * * * *
ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken
his departure yet?
"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've
got his wardrobe."
* * * * *
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but
you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man
would want to be leader."
* * * * *
He dined, not wisely, but too well--
Hence all his ills;
And nothing now agrees with him,
Excepting pills.
* * * * *
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause
when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all
alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you
didn't get shaved to-day."
* * * * *
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked
the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal
umpires. One life for each inning."
* * * * *
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I
could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police
force."
* * * * *
He was a genial, smiling man
And fond of whisky plain,
But when he joined the temperance club,
He never smiled again.
* * * * *
She wants to be punctual, always on time,
So carries her watch where she goes.
And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find
She even has clocks on her hose.
* * * * *
MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr.
Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?
CLERK--Oh, he's all write.
"Who's all write?"
"Slowpay."
But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing.
* * * * *
"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I
advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."
"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cases,
you know."
* * * * *
VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly
want a cracker?"
PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."
* * * * *
"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten
dollars?"
"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft
shortly."
"Cash a draft? What draft?"
"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."
* * * * *
NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?"
OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."
* * * * *
"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"
"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."
* * * * *
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?
HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.
"For what reason?"
"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."
"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from
digging me up?"
"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."
* * * * *
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on
myself?
POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it
will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.
* * * * *
My dentist has an eagle eye
And vicious tools he hacks with,
He's clever, but I've come to think
He'd make a better blacksmith.
* * * * *
"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."
"What is he, a commodore?"
"No."
"A captain?"
"No."
"Well, what is he?"
"Mrs. Dewey's second mate."
* * * * *
"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.
The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room
rather fearfully.
"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"
* * * * *
"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in
school?"
"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."
"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"
"Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."
* * * * *
"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."
* * * * *
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.
"He will be out in a few days."
"Is his rheumatism done gone?"
"Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit."
"Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'."
* * * * *
--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."
--"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."
* * * * *
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of
gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"
"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to
the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up
again."
* * * * *
DOCTOR--You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork.
PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!
* * * * *
After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is
useless to tell him that talk is cheap.
* * * * *
"My dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are _one_, you know;
And when _alone_ I'm weary!"
* * * * *
A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.
* * * * *
"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of
the largest boys in the class.
"Because he is an ass, I reckon."
* * * * *
"Doing anything now, Bill?"
"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."
"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"
"Looking for a job."
* * * * *
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."
* * * * *
Of all the saws
That I ever saw saw,
I never saw a saw
Saw like this saw saws.
* * * * *
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.
"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal
reflection."
* * * * *
Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may
have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.
* * * * *
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a
travelling man of the recently installed clerk.
"Can I give it to you?"
"Yes, that is what I remarked."
"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who
thought I owned this hotel."
* * * * *
"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."
"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."
* * * * *
Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without
reflecting.
* * * * *
A mechanic his labor will often discard,
If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard--
Will continue to work though it _strikes_!
* * * * *
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church,"
he urged; "I am a spiritualist."
"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you
know."
* * * * *
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to
laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy
needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a
boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"
* * * * *
The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always
enjoy a little loaf.
* * * * *
"My face is my fortune, sir," she said,
But her suitor saw right through her;
She meant she could not cash a check,
Unless the banker knew her.
* * * * *
"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."
"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce
cases."
"Well, isn't that what I said?"
* * * * *
"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie,
as he finished telling one.
"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have
been curtailed."
* * * * *
Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the
paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In
hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"
* * * * *
"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"
"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one
couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"
* * * * *
FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way?
HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission.
* * * * *
"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the
society of the great."
"You're not?"
"No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."
* * * * *
She--They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.
He--Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window
quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.
* * * * *
BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"
PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"
BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."
* * * * *
"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"
"We fell out."
* * * * *
"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"
"No."
"It's a beautiful tale."
* * * * *
"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"
"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"
"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."
* * * * *
"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"
"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old
maid."
* * * * *
"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things,
"when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to
practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."
* * * * *
"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one
should never judge by appearances."
"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls
usually have the most money."
* * * * *
"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"
"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was
smoking it."
* * * * *
"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim
Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."
"What did you have?"
"Three aces, jedge, and----"
"What did Jim do?"
"Jim, he drew."
"What did he draw?"
"He drew a razzer, jedge."
* * * * *
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"
"Yes, husband."
"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"
* * * * *
"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the
lawyer.
"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.
"You swear that this is true?"
"I do."
"Would you bet on it?"
"Er--well--yes, if I got the right odds."
* * * * *
"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"
"From the head of the bed."
* * * * *
MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new
baby, will you?"
MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."
* * * * *
SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"
HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."
SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"
HE--"To stop it stopping."
* * * * *
"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."
"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."
* * * * *
"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the
ball."
"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."
* * * * *
SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be
ninety-five per cent. backbone."
HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are
ninety-five per cent. cheek."
* * * * *
SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?
CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.
* * * * *
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry
rich ones to settle up.
* * * * *
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.
* * * * *
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on
me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife
niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his
fayther."
* * * * *
SHE--You can't eat cake and keep it.
HE--Oh, yes, you can--the kind you make.
* * * * *
Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.
For I never can _raise it_ myself."
* * * * *
SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby,
who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you,
lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title,
and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great
amusement of cabby.
* * * * *
SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.
GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?
* * * * *
He said to her: "You're just a bird!"
"Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,
"If all is true that I have heard,
A bottle goes with me."
* * * * *
A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It
ought to take.
* * * * *
As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started
guiltily.
"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond,"
he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the
pitcher.
* * * * *
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a
minute, and I've waited half an hour."
MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her
complexion to match her new gown."
* * * * *
"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"
She sang in plaintive key;
And all the neighbors yelled,
"So are we! so are we."
* * * * *
"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"
"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."
"And what's S.D.?"
"Swift divorce, of course."
* * * * *
A watch's fate is hard indeed,
For when it's not in soak
It's set back if it gets ahead
And scorned whene'er it's broke.
* * * * *
After wedding a rich heiress, Price
Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice,
But one thing I know,
This matching for dough
Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."
* * * * *
Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.
* * * * *
The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on
the floor wants to get his eye.
* * * * *
I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with
all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we
can't."
* * * * *
REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't
engaged."
TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't
engaged."
* * * * *
"What is a swell affair, Jim?"
"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know--a boil."
"Something else, try again."
"No, give it up."
"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and
besides all hills have got crests."
* * * * *
"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to
know whin yez don't want to know it."
* * * * *
"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link!
Where did he find it?"
"Under the bureau, I understand."
* * * * *
"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical
anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should
remember that 'haste' makes waist."
* * * * *
"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.
"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.
"What is the cause?" we asked eagerly.
"Ploughing."
* * * * *
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang
the electric bell.
* * * * *
A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr,"
She seemed such an amiable hephyr.
When the farmer drew near,
She kicked off his ear,
And now the old farmer's much dephyr.
* * * * *
"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the
intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for
four nights o' the week."
* * * * *
How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop.
* * * * *
IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same
as they have in New York."
MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline."
IDA--"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March'
now."
* * * * *
When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the
males in the audience go out to follow suit.
* * * * *
"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."
"What?"
"Those interested in it don't need it."
"Don't need what?"
"Trust. They can pay cash."
* * * * *
A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in
length.
* * * * *
Full many a coat tail that is long and wide
Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.
* * * * *
The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives
you a pane."
* * * * *
"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events
and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never
gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."
* * * * *
A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a
vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have
no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the
axe-sent."
* * * * *
Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away
all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.
* * * * *
"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been
shaving myself."
* * * * *
An emblem of tenuity
We witness every day;
Behold the corset-and you'll see
The whale-bone comes to STAY.
* * * * *
HE--Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was
really cheap?
SHE--Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to
one of them.
* * * * *
TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a
maltese cross."
WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum."
* * * * *
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By
the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."
WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled
egg!"
* * * * *
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit,"
said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
* * * * *
A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a
"regular beat" for a bosom friend.
* * * * *
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May
last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise
your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan,
"I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint'
working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."
* * * * *
HE--The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.
SHE--Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.
HE--Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.
* * * * *
SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last
night.
HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.
* * * * *
FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"
HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."
* * * * *
Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is
satisfied with legal tender.
* * * * *
PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy?
Oi want to coom up again."
MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?"
PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut
the rope."
* * * * *
It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because
she is always "on the watch."
* * * * *
"So Maude is happily married?"
"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist,
who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."
* * * * *
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath
before retiring.
Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey,
how dirty you are!"
"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan
you."
* * * * *
A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to
describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."
* * * * *
The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.
The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he
always finds it again.
The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in
beating his way.
An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity
uncovers a multitude of sins.
It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.
It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.
While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others
reach the height of folly.
A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have
won many a jackpot.
* * * * *
The portrait tumbled from the wall
And hit the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" That was all
The rueful punster said.
* * * * *
The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years
need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
* * * * *
When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your
mother know your route?"
* * * * *
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in
the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"
"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to
make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."
* * * * *
An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went
out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning,
and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and,
uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The
Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three
of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious,
but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"
* * * * *
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg
on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
* * * * *
"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well,
rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and
had a high old time with four kings."
* * * * *
Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make
men see things in a new light.
* * * * *
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if
he can trust the girl to handle the reins."
* * * * *
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a
girl and she ran away from him."
"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."
* * * * *
Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five
of them on the first deal.
* * * * *
"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"
"The barkeep, my son."
* * * * *
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two,
Jackey?"
JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six."
"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."
"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot
said six so dot you could Chew me down."
* * * * *
'Tis now the wily urchin mocks
The lynx-eyed cop along the docks,
And plunges in the cooling tide,
Arrayed in naught else but his hide.
* * * * *
Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the
matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man
who is strapped.
* * * * *
"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"
"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."
* * * * *