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+-----------------------------------------------------------+
THE NEW PUN BOOK
COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM
THE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITS
Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in
all pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoice
in punctiliousness in their language, contrive to
improve its flavor and precision by exercise in
these unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as
with our Pundit's famous countryman Mr.
Jaberjee, though they use the purest
language, they can instantly express
every shade of thought with grace
and completeness without resorting
to slang:--that ready cloak
wherewith puny minds strive
to cover their vulgarity
and lack of culture.
BY T. B. AND T. C.
New York
FRANK VERNON & CO.
103 Park Avenue
COPYRIGHT 1906
By CAREY-STAFFORD CO.
The New Pun Book
"He's a professional grafter."
"Who?"
"The nurseryman."
* * * * *
"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he
weighs?"
"I don't know, what does he weigh?"
"Meat."
* * * * *
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As
though everyone wasn't wise to that."
* * * * *
"How are you to-day?"
"Oh, I can't kick."
"Thought you were ill."
"I am--I have the gout."
* * * * *
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage
certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it
not?"
"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only
my third!"
* * * * *
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't
find it anywhere.
He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
* * * * *
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"
"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"
"I have another at home--Lena."
* * * * *
"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."
"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the
worst of it."
"No?"
"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."
"You don't say so!"
"I do. She's a child nurse."
* * * * *
The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!
But got up with a happy smile,
And to the young man said: "Please, sir,
How many laps are to the mile?"
* * * * *
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in
New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first
gambler. Didn't he start the races?
* * * * *
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw
away some rotten eggs.
* * * * *
"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly.
"Good work, isn't it?"
"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to
the goods we make."
"Oh! are you in this line, too?"
"No. We make gunpowder."
* * * * *
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!
* * * * *
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile
hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."
* * * * *
"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and
goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"
"Why, an Irishman, of course."
"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."
* * * * *
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch?
She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.
* * * * *
"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I
couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would
let me take a step-ladder."
"Did she give it to you?"
"No; but she gave me a stare."
* * * * *
"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up
her arm."
"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my
trousers."
* * * * *
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined
before?
The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life.
* * * * *
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his
fingers broken.
--That is terrible, how did it happen?
--Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.
* * * * *
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the
New York Central."
"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"
"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."
* * * * *
"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred
haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.
"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful
spirits are here."
* * * * *
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver
he ran out."
"Did you shoot him?"
"No. He was out of my range."
* * * * *
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs
sometimes."
FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake
the dead."
* * * * *
"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."
"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect
it."
"How was that?"
"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he
advertised for proposals."
* * * * *
"Are your folks well to do?"
"No. They're hard to do."
* * * * *
"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"
"I don't know."
"I'd sell mine to a medical student."
"Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."
* * * * *
"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down
there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched
him."
* * * * *
HE--"Yes, she is living under an assumed name."
SHE--"Horrible! What is it?"
HE--"The one she assumed immediately after her husband married
her!"
* * * * *
BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"
BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."
* * * * *
Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an
eye-opener.
* * * * *
"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold
rooms."
"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."
* * * * *
"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.
"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to
speak to the livery-man about it."
* * * * *
"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."
"Noah."
"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth?
So there must have been three ahead of him."
* * * * *
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir.
MANAGER--Indeed; What now?
CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table.
* * * * *
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.
"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw
you ring it up."
* * * * *
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how
could dey tell if we got it?
COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for
it.
* * * * *
HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring.
SHE--Now, George, for the first time your talk has the true ring
in it.
* * * * *
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military
man, you are afraid of powder."
"To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have
only to do this."
Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed
that he was not.
* * * * *
MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is
there anything you can match?
MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.
* * * * *
Pressed for work--cider.
Never out of print--the calico counter.
* * * * *
"Is this a fire insurance office?"
"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"
"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next
Saturday, and I'd like some protection."
* * * * *
"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the
minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."
"Do you really think so?" she sighed.
"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of
her Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."
* * * * *
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it
does you to punish you."
TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.
* * * * *
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"
"Refused again?"
"No; accepted."
* * * * *
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish
provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"
"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman
three pig's feet."
* * * * *
"They say corporations have no soul."
"How about the Shoe Trust."
* * * * *
"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one
Pittsburg young man of another.
"No, but her father did."
"How was that?"
"He fired me."
* * * * *
"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.
She shivered.
"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was
that you mustn't hang around here."
* * * * *
Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the
bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition
wagon.
* * * * *
MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's
fishing?
MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after
a day's fishing than upon other days.
* * * * *
"Nature never allows anything to run to waist."
"Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."
* * * * *
"What's the matter here?"
"Man broke his neck."
"What story did he fall from?"
"Didn't fall--tried to see the top of the building."
* * * * *
According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap."
This may be true, but we have known men who would have been
willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their
hands.
* * * * *
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired?
TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before
every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty
stomach.
* * * * *
BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram
from him."
SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?"
BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go."
* * * * *
"Oh, live and let live, my man."
"Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."
* * * * *
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this
morning.
JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it?
SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be
pressed and cleaned.
* * * * *
When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was
wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.
* * * * *
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire.
ISAAC ISAACS--Vy?
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy
yeste'day.
* * * * *
"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint."
"Why?"
"There is a continual 'hello' around her head."
* * * * *
A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try
to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.
* * * * *
"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you
expect her father to kick you out?"
"Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights."
* * * * *
YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up.
OLD M.D.--What do you mean?
YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.
* * * * *
"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are
superstitious?"
"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour
waiting for a ghost to walk."
"For that matter the actors themselves often wait longer than
that."
* * * * *
"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and
then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.
"From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.
* * * * *
"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"
"With a knife and fork."
* * * * *
"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?"
"She is in mourning for her husband."
"Why, she never had a husband!"
"No, that is why she mourns."
* * * * *
"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."
"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."
* * * * *
"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he
noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth
avenue.
"Nawthin' but the tied goin' out."
* * * * *
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad!
Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad!
But the sadness of her sadness,
And the gladness of her gladness,
Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!
* * * * *
"Is it raining, girls?"
"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."
* * * * *
GUEST--What have you got?
WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet--
GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical
peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.
* * * * *
STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"
BOY--"I kin for a quarter."
STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"
BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you
see, sir!"
* * * * *
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her
neighbors.
"What's that?"
"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether
the parrot is corrupting Willie."
* * * * *
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two
burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one;
then----"
MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?"
* * * * *
"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to
that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas
bills."
"And you got----"
"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."
* * * * *
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher
of a class of youths.
"I have," exclaimed one.
"Where?" asked the teacher.
"On the elephant," replied the boy.
* * * * *
"Curious, isn't it?"
"What?"
"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read
when signed to a check."
* * * * *
"That cook would make a good baseball player."
"Why so?"
"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and
the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush
an umpire into an early grave."
* * * * *
When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are
engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are
married.
* * * * *
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then?
HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
* * * * *
"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum
and the admission to Sing Sing?"
"Don't know. What?"
"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."
* * * * *
"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out
Jeffries."
"Who took him up?"
"The elevator boy, I think."
* * * * *
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?
It runs over the sleepers.
* * * * *
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she
engaged?
LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.
* * * * *
"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of
men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"
"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man
in them."
* * * * *
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is
always easy enough to change her complexion.
* * * * *
"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you
made preparation for the day of judgment?"
"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."
"Young man!"
"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."
* * * * *
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting
on his hat and coat.
"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano.
"I'm played out."
* * * * *
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is
said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been
links-eyed.
* * * * *
"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a
half-inch shaft into the man's leg.
"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do
I strike you?"
* * * * *
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"
"It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"
* * * * *
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the
question? Acquiescence.
* * * * *
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.
TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.
"What do you mean?"
"No tick here."
* * * * *
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe
distance, "as if you were full."
"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark
that was a bird."
* * * * *
"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant
talker."
"You're right there."
"Why, I could listen to her all night."
"I have to."
* * * * *
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a
harness for a flea."
"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea
harnessed."
* * * * *
"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"What grounds?"
"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."
* * * * *
"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"
"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing
time for making money?"
* * * * *
Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you
can let go without getting some one to help you.
* * * * *
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a
snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a
delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young
man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.
* * * * *
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell
me what book helped you most in life?"
After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."
* * * * *
"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you
get for being crooked."
"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven
to it by a woman."
* * * * *
"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"
"What relation?"
"A step-farther."
* * * * *
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree.
STRANGER--How can you tell?
GUIDE--By its bark.
* * * * *
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but
when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
* * * * *
MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!"
MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he
sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"
* * * * *
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
"How?"
"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
* * * * *
"You own your own house, don't you?"
"I used to."
"Have you sold it?"
"No, I haven't sold it."
"Then how is it you don't own it?"
"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."
* * * * *
"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"
"You did not. Tell me about it."
"No use--you couldn't see through it."
* * * * *
A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off
the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:
"Now, that's true benevolence."
"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."
* * * * *
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed
in?
TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last.
* * * * *
JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork.
Ever been to Cork?"
SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it."
* * * * *
"What is love?"
"A fresh egg."
"Marriage?"
"Hard boiled eggs."
"Divorce?"
"Scrambled eggs."
* * * * *
How by the statesman insincere
Man's weary soul is vexed.
He'll shake your hand one minute and
He'll pull your leg the next!
* * * * *
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."
"Eh! Who is conferring?"
"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."
* * * * *
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear
in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with
a $20 bill at a church bazaar."
* * * * *
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under
a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark
of the tree from that of the dog.
* * * * *
LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?
GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would
compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.
* * * * *
SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life."
HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it
burning."
* * * * *
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?"
IKE--"By horse-razing."
MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?"
IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de
razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was
over."
* * * * *
HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?
SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
* * * * *
--"I want to be an angel."
--"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll
change that tune my boy."
* * * * *
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word;
that's why females are always employed in that capacity.
* * * * *
"What are you going to do with your boy?"
"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."
"In that case he might do for an actor."
* * * * *
BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow.
BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
* * * * *
"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I
want to order some doors."
"He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o'
doors."
* * * * *
"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of
the widow recently bereaved.
"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was
better off."
* * * * *
"What kind of hen lays the longest?"
"What kind?"
"A dead hen."
* * * * *
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl?
SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage
another.--_Philadelphia Press._
* * * * *
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She
would be a he-then, of course.
* * * * *
"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying
for the moon."
"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the
earth."
* * * * *
"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out
of danger."
"That's good."
"He died this morning."
* * * * *
"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs.
Musicale."
"It was, indeed."
"I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely."
"No; she still plays; but only on the black keys."
* * * * *
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas!
Her fate was most unkind.
No doubt she only wished to see
How hung her skirt behind.
* * * * *
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the
fair sex as long as time lasts.
JONES--What's that?
SMITH--The Easter bonnet.
* * * * *
"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."
"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but
how?"
"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."
* * * * *
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were
both janitors."
* * * * *
"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small
pupil.
"Men," answered Johnny.
"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"
"Twins," was the unexpected answer.
* * * * *
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"
SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed
wonder before I was half through."
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience
yawns at once."
* * * * *
If I might hold that hand again
Clasped lovingly in mine,
I'd little care what others sought--
That hand I held, lang syne!
That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft!
Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing!
Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again--
Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!
* * * * *
WIFE--"Got a dollar?"
HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"
"Gone."
"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."
"I did."
"Doesn't look like it."
"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."
* * * * *
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was
making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I
only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was
not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.
* * * * *
"Why are you sad, Bill?"
"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."
"How can that be?"
"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."
* * * * *
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.
MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!
* * * * *
--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't
he?"
--"What was his plea--insanity?"
--"No, malaria."
* * * * *
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of
children."
"How's that?"
"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a
bushel?"
* * * * *
The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer
weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.
Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.
He wrung his hands.
* * * * *
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
"Why?"
"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
* * * * *
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a
cake of soap at the head of the stairs.
* * * * *
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine,
gravely, "that we know about death."
"And that is, sir?" queried the student.
"It is always fatal."
* * * * *
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"
"No. What's up?"
"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."
"Oh, that was only a roomer!"
* * * * *
"When was money first invented?"
"I don't know. When was it?"
"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
* * * * *
"What a distinguished looking man."
"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."
"What, a judge?"
"No; a substitute ball-player."
* * * * *
HE--"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"
SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear
what you promised."
* * * * *
THIN BOARDER--"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this
boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all
her daughters, but I'm half-starved."
FAT BOARDER--"I court the cook."
* * * * *
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"
"Because it is never felt."
* * * * *
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"
JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother."
* * * * *
DINER--"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"
WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute."
DINER--"Confound you! How slow you are."
WAITER--"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind."
* * * * *
An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:
"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"
"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."
* * * * *
Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down
in that hole?"
Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."
Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."
* * * * *
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in
the war and can't work."
Woman-"Where was you shot?"
"In the spinal column, mum."
"Go 'way! There was no such battle."
* * * * *
"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"
"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the
greatest show on earth."
* * * * *
"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"
"Give it up."
"Because that's the only place Toronto."
* * * * *
"Were you attached to the place?"
The actress laughed bitterly.
"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had
all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."
* * * * *
"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and
another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone
number be?"
It would be "8-1-2."
* * * * *
An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't
hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his
brains out of his empty skull.
* * * * *
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular
song?"
WINKLE--"Not I."
PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?"
WINKLE-"I wrote the song."
* * * * *
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest
once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.
Did you win?
No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."
* * * * *
"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at
a first-class restaurant.
"Everything, sir."
"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."
"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.
* * * * *
When we first dined at a cafe
We feared they'd drop their trays, but later
We learned, somewhat to our dismay,
It takes--as scores of men will say--
A big "tip" to upset a waiter.
* * * * *
"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.
"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
* * * * *
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he
cared for undressed kids.
* * * * *
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a
long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"
TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"
MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."
* * * * *
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"
"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
* * * * *
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of
ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"
"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."
"A great tease?"
"Yes; Socrates."
* * * * *
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker
lays out his man before he boxes him.
* * * * *
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an
onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the
needles had tears in their eyes.
* * * * *
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a
woman without killing her.
JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.
* * * * *
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."
"I know. But he's such a bore!"
* * * * *
AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of
trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in
our favor?"
ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out
title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the
year."
* * * * *
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."
WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"
HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."
WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"
HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and
gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"
* * * * *
"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said
the teacher.
"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."
* * * * *
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."
"What possible connection is there between the two?"
"It's practically having words over nothing."
* * * * *
To-morrow never comes, they say;
But all such talk is idle gush,
For when we have a debt to pay
To-morrow gets there with a rush.
* * * * *
"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"
"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call
for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out
quick."
* * * * *
"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."
It was the frivolous man who spoke.
"Can you think of another?"
The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.
"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.
And they rode on in silence.
* * * * *
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to
Orchard Park.
Why, how is that?
Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.
* * * * *
TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What
did he hit?"
DICK--"Nothing."
HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."
DICK--"That's what I said."
* * * * *
"Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Yes, they do."
"How so?"
"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me
to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that
was wrong, but it made me right."
* * * * *
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of
it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat
and a loud suit of clothes.
"How's that?"
"Marriage is always a tie."
* * * * *
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the
point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop
that man's lying?"
* * * * *
We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid,
We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm;
To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus,
The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ.
* * * * *
"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and
unassuming."
"Holy smoke!"
"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go
bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags
about Ireland."
* * * * *
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in
it."
"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."
"Yes, but this was tomato soup."
* * * * *
"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had
everything a man could wish for."
"Did you have any pale ale?"
"No; we didn't have the pail."
* * * * *
A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to
mend the break of day.
* * * * *
Rowley Powley, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
** ** ** ** **
But _entre nous_, that legend of yore
Only tells half; they cried for more!
* * * * *
"Are you the photographer?"
"Yes sir."
"Do you take children's pictures?"
"Yes sir."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three dollars a dozen."
"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."
* * * * *
THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he?
THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent
lights down low.
* * * * *
"When were walking-sticks first invented?"
"When?"
"When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."
* * * * *
"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like
to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"
"Faith an' I'd die first!"
* * * * *
--No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a
shade above the street.
* * * * *
An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running
for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be
pullin' it wid a string."
* * * * *
DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the
e.
* * * * *
"Where are you working now?"
"I'm working down in a match factory."
"How is business?"
"Light."
* * * * *
An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a
house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from
ten till three.
* * * * *
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"Out automobiling, sir," she said.
"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"If you can steer the old thing, you may," she said.
* * * * *
A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each
hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."
* * * * *
--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the
quick."
--"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."
* * * * *
A lady one day being in need of some small change called
down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any
'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please,
mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.
* * * * *
"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran."
"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."
* * * * *
SHE--"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"
HE--"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."
SHE--"How do you make that out?"
HE--"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a _million heir_,
of course."
* * * * *
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same
amount of real feeling.
* * * * *
MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references."
APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"
* * * * *
"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my
grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
* * * * *
"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."
"Was there."
"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."
"It must have been a put-up job!"
* * * * *
As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife,
must be beside himself.
* * * * *
"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?"
"Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a
tape-measure!"
"Oh, I see! He died by inches, then?"
"No; begorra, he didn't! He wint round to the back of the house
an' died by the yard!"
* * * * *
"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!"
"Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."
* * * * *
"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his
verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."
* * * * *
"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?"
"Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."
* * * * *
"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up
and looked her over and went away."
"He never touched her?"
"No. He was a man-eating shark."
* * * * *
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?"
PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world."
"Why how is that?"
"Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?"
* * * * *
"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to
give my seat to the lady, not to you."
"Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And
he kept the seat.
* * * * *
"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough
when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when
you've finished."
"But suppose I undertake to dig a well?"
* * * * *
"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?"
"No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."
* * * * *
"There's a young woman who makes little things count."
"How does she do it?"
"Teaches arithmetic in a primary school."
* * * * *
"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand
soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all
about it."
* * * * *
"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely
mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so
mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the
celery; and the beet blushed.
* * * * *
A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until
she falls off a bicycle a few times.
* * * * *
MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in
my life."
MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married
you."
* * * * *
Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a
good man down.
* * * * *
"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat."
"Well, you must remember that we are one now."
* * * * *
"What man in the army wore the biggest hat?"
"The one with the biggest head, of course."
* * * * *
"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a
baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as
she fondled her firstborn.
"My dear," replied her husband, pityingly, "you can never know
the unutterable joy of being 'Next' in a crowded barber shop on
Saturday night."
* * * * *
"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing
robe?" he asked.
"Oh, no," replied the dashing bride. "This is a very warm suit,
hubby, dear."
* * * * *
MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister's name is Stone.
BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones.
* * * * *
ALGY--"Charming widow, isn't she? They say she is to marry
again."
CHOLLY--"I wouldn't want to be a widow's second husband."
ALGY--"Well, I'd rather be a widow's second husband than her
first, doncher-know."
* * * * *
A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New
York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."
* * * * *
* * * * *
FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me
unconscious for several hours."
ED--"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?"
FRED--"I fell asleep."
* * * * *
"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!"
"Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a
new one."
* * * * *
PAT--"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near
Kilt."
MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the villain
hung."
* * * * *
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?"
PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side."
* * * * *
"Held by the enemy"--the ulster which we are unable to redeem.
* * * * *
"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman
with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh,
that's easy. She is my wife."
* * * * *
TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime?
SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit.
"Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?"
"Because it injures the health."
* * * * *
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is
said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes
in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'.
* * * * *
How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail.
* * * * *
"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?"
"Sometimes, my son."
"Oh, then its all right?"
"What is all right?"
"Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to
snuff."
* * * * *
"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell
dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."
* * * * *
BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for?
EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot
something she told me to remember.
* * * * *
HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes,
indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.
* * * * *
CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted.
SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know
anything about fractions.
* * * * *
MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor?
PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam.
MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something
unfashionable.
* * * * *
A man who drives away customers--the cabman.
* * * * *
CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on
her face lately for her complexion.
DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of
malaria.
* * * * *
MAUD--How do you define love?
MARIE--Love is the life of illusion.
"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."
* * * * *
WEEKS--Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any
new pie "Aristotle" yet?
WENTMAN--No-o. But I heard a man there ask for a Plato soup.
* * * * *
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house
built upon a rock?"
SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat.
* * * * *
"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's
knowledge of parliamentary law."
"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last
fifteen years?"
* * * * *
MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants
experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.
* * * * *
"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I
am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even
scream."
* * * * *
A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn
could not make some people smart.
* * * * *
"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the
man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."
* * * * *
There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a
man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.
* * * * *
The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial
check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.
* * * * *
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you
for publication?
EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse,
and some of it is worse.
* * * * *
"What is your idea of happiness?"
"Nothing to do and lots of time to do it in."
* * * * *
--So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been
jilted by half a dozen girls.
--Case of being well shaken before taken, I suppose.
* * * * *
"I've been pondering over a very singular thing."
"What is it?"
"How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you
under that woman's thumb."
* * * * *
They cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.
* * * * *
TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is?
JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car.
* * * * *
PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly
becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object,
widowhood.'"
* * * * *
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section."
"Well, we do loop the loop occasionally."
* * * * *
"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
Now to a smith doth pass;
How naturally the _iron_ age
Succeeds the _age of brass_!"
* * * * *
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me.
ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid.
* * * * *
TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg.
WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a
literal ovation, I s'pose.
* * * * *
IKEY--Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same?
FADER--Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more
money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got about all
der money dey are goin' to get.
* * * * *
SHE--"Are you fond of tea?"
HE--"Yes; but I like the next letter better."
* * * * *
It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor.
"I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's
because I can't realize."
"Can't realize on what?"
"On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it
cost me I'd be all right."
* * * * *
When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife
Of his own nationality fails,
He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay
And robs the United States males.
* * * * *
HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present?
WIFE--Very much.
"Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for
instance?"
"No; a bank-book."
* * * * *
"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the
babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.
* * * * *
He went on a lark,
So his wife did remark,
And some angry words, too, did she mutter.
On a lark he went out,
Of that fact there's no doubt,
But he came in, alas! on a shutter.
* * * * *
CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria?
DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her
treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was.
"You don't say so!"
"Yes, sir; I've got an incurable case of heart disease now."
* * * * *
For years she'd heard her husband sadly say:
"Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?"
At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay,
When you make dough that papa used to make."
* * * * *
YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?"
ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a
ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."
* * * * *
"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his
bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York
school.
"Have you never observed a man working on a warm day?" asked the
teacher.
"No, don't think I ever saw one."
"What does your father do on a right hot day?"
"He goes in bathing out at Coney Island."
"What is your father's business?"
"He is a walking delegate."
* * * * *
A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat
One day as he chanced there to stop,
The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed
And gave him an axe and feelingly said:
"Now just help yourself to a chop."
* * * * *
"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight
"flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are
still more so."
* * * * *
Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they
always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."
* * * * *
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying
to recover from the effects of trying to forget.
* * * * *
"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet.
"Faith, I'd prefer a _rale_ fence," said Pat.
* * * * *
A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and
grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."
* * * * *
A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night,
saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.
"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be
frightened at your own shadow."
* * * * *
"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!"
said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.
"When was it?" gasped the crowd.
"Night before last at the raffle in Kelley's!"
* * * * *
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil.
"I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"
* * * * *
If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky
dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.
* * * * *
With cards and dice, and dress and friends,
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus make both ends meet.
* * * * *
"There goes a man who leads in letters."
"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"
"A.A. Adams."
* * * * *
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes
practice inside of it.
* * * * *
A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on
land is a songstress.
* * * * *
Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder
luck than you.
* * * * *
When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he
meets short-sighted.
* * * * *
A beautiful lassie named Florence,
Once wept till her tears flowed in torence.
When asked why she cried,
She sighed, and replied,
"The Sheriff's been here with some worence."
* * * * *
In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the
drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.
* * * * *
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more."
BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged."
GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each
other's hands."
* * * * *
"Do you believe in luck?"
"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"
"Yes."