[Illustration: The Rollit Albert that gathered Three Bills into the
Statute Book.]
_House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2_.--"I do not," said OLD
MORALITY, a cloud of disappointment settling on his massive brow,
"know any case where, comparatively late in life, after a blameless
career, depravity has so suddenly broken out in a man as it has with
SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true, that upon occasion GEDGE has not given
entire satisfaction to our friends opposite. They hold the opinion
that his incursions in debate have been inopportune, and, in short,
unnecessary; but that is their affair. We have had no ground for
complaint. GEDGE has always voted straight, has appropriately filled
up a dull half-hour when we had to keep a Debate going, and at all
times he has invested our side of the House with a certain _je ne sais
quoi_ of dignity, combined with profound wisdom. And now to go and
break out in this unexpected manner! It is incomprehensible,--would
be, if I had not seen him with my own organs of vision, incredible. We
must make GEDGE a Peer, or a County Court Judge."
OLD MORALITY's discomposure not unwarranted. GEDGE certainly made our
flesh creep to-night. Of all things in the world, it came about on the
Tithes Bill. In Committee all night; Sir JOHN SWINBURNE spoken several
times; HARCOURT, leading Opposition, made several efforts to inspire
proceedings with a little life, but not to be done. Bill rapidly
slipping through; Amendments to Clauses all disposed of; a few new
ones on paper. Of course not slightest chance of being added to Bill.
One by one moved; Minister objected; Clause negatived; and there
an end of it. Twelve o'clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight,
Debate must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill
through Committee. Everything out of the way except new Clause in
name of SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely _he_
would interfere with arrangements, and endanger progress of Bill.
HICKS-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his eye on the clock; three
minutes to Twelve; running it pretty close, but just time to get Bill
through. GEDGE on his feet; quite unnecessary; needn't stand up to
say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when
Chairman called his name it would be understood that he had sacrificed
his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying on stroke of Midnight.
To his horror, HICKS-BEACH heard GEDGE beginning to describe purport
of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. After moment's
horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries of, "Divide!"
Opposition convulsed with laughter; HICKS-BEACH pale and stern, and
stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE flushed, conversational, dogged. Even if
Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the bearing of his new Clause.
Scene increasing in hilarity; lasted three minutes: then Midnight
sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, surprised to find he had talked out the
Tithes Bill.
"You might have knocked me down with a feather," said ALBERT ROLLIT,
who, before opening his lips, had observed the precaution of propping
himself up against the wall. "GEDGE, of all men, to spoil the
Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the week! It's
all COURTNEY's fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY's blood, on the
night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the Chair with HERBERT
GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same man. There's no knowing to what
lengths he may not go."
_Business done_.--SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again worse than ever.
_Tuesday_.--MARJORIBANKS rather depressed as he rose to move his
Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine Rifle.
Had hoped to appear under very different circumstances. Meant quite to
put in the shade LYON PLAYFAIR's historic lecture on Margarine, when
he had the tables covered with pots of that substance, with penny
loaves and small knives for Members to sample withal. For weeks
MARJORIBANKS been preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of
quite an armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and
illustrate his lecture with practical experiments. The climax was to
be the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER and ANSTRUTHER on in this.
BOBBY standing at the Bar with an apple held on palm of extended right
hand; MARJORIBANKS, using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear the apple
off, leaving BOBBY's hair unsinged, and not a wrinkle added to his
collar. ANSTRUTHER was next to stand in the same place, braving the
fire of the Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an apple, as it was
arranged that the new arm should jam.
[Illustration: Standing Fire.]
"Suppose it doesn't?" ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS first
unfolded his scheme.
"Oh, that'll be all right," said MARJORIBANKS, cheerily.
Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect, when
they were suddenly upset by interference from unexpected quarter. The
SPEAKER, wondering what all this rifle-popping was, came to hear of
the project; at once said it wouldn't do; no arms of any kind admitted
in House of Commons, except the sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS,
and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military
gentlemen who move and second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad,
I fancy; ANSTRUTHER not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly
depressed.
"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make Houses,
and you empty them. DUFF--and he's not a Whip now--made all the
running with his orations on the herring brand. Thought I would make
a hit this time."
"I was a little afraid of it too," said ANSTRUTHER.
"Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New Magazine Rifle
will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out with an oily
rag, and I was going to take precious good care to forget the rag.
You've no public spirit, ANSTRUTHER, since you left us to help WOLMER
to whip up Dissentients."
No appeal from SPEAKER's ruling. MARJORIBANKS had to make the best
of botched business. Brought to the table a spring snap-extractor,
a bolt-head screw, and some other odds and ends; poor substitute
for what he had intended. Still made out admirable case, Government
mustering majority of only 34 against Motion.
[Illustration: Grandolph's Latest Achievement.]
Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached; GEDGE's Amendment still
blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, "Mr. GEDGE!" no answer;
place empty. Whilst Members whispering inquiry, Bill passed through
Committee, and Ministers triumphed. That's all very well, but
where's GEDGE? CORB, who is developing quite unsuspected gifts in the
Amateur-detective line, intends to take this matter up when he has
settled the affair of the Coroner at the BEDFORD inquest.
_Business done_.--Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious
disappearance of SYDNEY GEDGE.
_Thursday Night_.--GRAHDOLPH back again, bringing his sheaves--I mean
his beard--with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such beard been
seen in House since MACFARLANE left us. Not quite the same colour; but
GRANDOLPH could give a handful to MACFARLANE, and win.
"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a result
achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I like to
do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on a windy
day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself round your
neck. But we're growing used to each other, and shall get on nicely
by-and-by."
More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place is empty.
_Business done_.--Report Stage of Tithes Bill.
_Friday_.--Conversation as to course of public business. OLD MORALITY
regrets Tithes Bill not through Reporting stage yet. Down on the paper
for to-night, but didn't think there would be much chance of reaching
it. So put it down for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken
on Thursday, and JOHN MORLEY's Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along
indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.;
but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid
matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint.
Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off _agenda_ for
to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter-past Seven,
CONYBEARE rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out.
"Why, bless me!" cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news, "here's a
sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it for the Tithes
Bill." _Business done_.--Motion to abolish Livery Franchise negatived
by 148 votes against 120.
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