world to me: I began to extend my thoughts beyond myself, and grieve for
human misery, till I discovered, with horror--ah! what horror!--that I
was with child. I know not why I felt a mixed sensation of despair and
tenderness, excepting that, ever called a bastard, a bastard appeared to
me an object of the greatest compassion in creation.
"I communicated this dreadful circumstance to my master, who was almost
equally alarmed at the intelligence; for he feared his wife, and public
censure at the meeting. After some weeks of deliberation had elapsed, I
in continual fear that my altered shape would be noticed, my master gave
me a medicine in a phial, which he desired me to take, telling me,
without any circumlocution, for what purpose it was designed. I burst
into tears, I thought it was killing myself--yet was such a self as I
worth preserving? He cursed me for a fool, and left me to my own
reflections. I could not resolve to take this infernal potion; but I
wrapped it up in an old gown, and hid it in a corner of my box.
"Nobody yet suspected me, because they had been accustomed to view me as
a creature of another species. But the threatening storm at last broke
over my devoted head--never shall I forget it! One Sunday evening when I
was left, as usual, to take care of the house, my master came home
intoxicated, and I became the prey of his brutal appetite. His extreme
intoxication made him forget his customary caution, and my mistress
entered and found us in a situation that could not have been more hateful
to her than me. Her husband was 'pot-valiant,' he feared her not at the
moment, nor had he then much reason, for she instantly turned the whole
force of her anger another way. She tore off my cap, scratched, kicked,
and buffetted me, till she had exhausted her strength, declaring, as she
rested her arm, 'that I had wheedled her husband from her.--But, could
any thing better be expected from a wretch, whom she had taken into her
house out of pure charity?' What a torrent of abuse rushed out? till,
almost breathless, she concluded with saying, 'that I was born a
strumpet; it ran in my blood, and nothing good could come to those who
harboured me.'
"My situation was, of course, discovered, and she declared that I should
not stay another night under the same roof with an honest family. I was
therefore pushed out of doors, and my trumpery thrown after me, when it
had been contemptuously examined in the passage, lest I should have
stolen any thing.
"Behold me then in the street, utterly destitute! Whither could I creep
for shelter? To my father's roof I had no claim, when not pursued by
shame--now I shrunk back as from death, from my mother's cruel
reproaches, my father's execrations. I could not endure to hear him curse
the day I was born, though life had been a curse to me. Of death I
thought, but with a confused emotion of terror, as I stood leaning my
head on a post, and starting at every footstep, lest it should be my
mistress coming to tear my heart out. One of the boys of the shop passing
by, heard my tale, and immediately repaired to his master, to give him a
description of my situation; and he touched the right key--the scandal it
would give rise to, if I were left to repeat my tale to every enquirer.
This plea came home to his reason, who had been sobered by his wife's
rage, the fury of which fell on him when I was out of her reach, and he
sent the boy to me with half-a-guinea, desiring him to conduct me to a
house, where beggars, and other wretches, the refuse of society, nightly
lodged.
"This night was spent in a state of stupefaction, or desperation. I
detested mankind, and abhorred myself.
"In the morning I ventured out, to throw myself in my master's way, at
his usual hour of going abroad. I approached him, he 'damned me for a
b----, declared I had disturbed the peace of the family, and that he had
sworn to his wife, never to take any more notice of me.' He left me; but,
instantly returning, he told me that he should speak to his friend, a
parish-officer, to get a nurse for the brat I laid to him; and advised
me, if I wished to keep out of the house of correction, not to make free
with his name.
"I hurried back to my hole, and, rage giving place to despair, sought for
the potion that was to procure abortion, and swallowed it, with a wish
that it might destroy me, at the same time that it stopped the sensations
of new-born life, which I felt with indescribable emotion. My head
turned round, my heart grew sick, and in the horrors of approaching
dissolution, mental anguish was swallowed up. The effect of the medicine
was violent, and I was confined to my bed several days; but, youth and a
strong constitution prevailing, I once more crawled out, to ask myself
the cruel question, 'Whither I should go?' I had but two shillings left
in my pocket, the rest had been expended, by a poor woman who slept in
the same room, to pay for my lodging, and purchase the necessaries of
which she partook.
"With this wretch I went into the neighbouring streets to beg, and my
disconsolate appearance drew a few pence from the idle, enabling me still
to command a bed; till, recovering from my illness, and taught to put on
my rags to the best advantage, I was accosted from different motives, and
yielded to the desire of the brutes I met, with the same detestation that
I had felt for my still more brutal master. I have since read in novels
of the blandishments of seduction, but I had not even the pleasure of
being enticed into vice.
"I shall not," interrupted Jemima, "lead your imagination into all the
scenes of wretchedness and depravity, which I was condemned to view; or
mark the different stages of my debasing misery. Fate dragged me through
the very kennels of society; I was still a slave, a bastard, a common
property. Become familiar with vice, for I wish to conceal nothing from
you, I picked the pockets of the drunkards who abused me; and proved by
my conduct, that I deserved the epithets, with which they loaded me at
moments when distrust ought to cease.
"Detesting my nightly occupation, though valuing, if I may so use the
word, my independence, which only consisted in choosing the street in
which I should wander, or the roof, when I had money, in which I should
hide my head, I was some time before I could prevail on myself to accept
of a place in a house of ill fame, to which a girl, with whom I had
accidentally conversed in the street, had recommended me. I had been
hunted almost into a a fever, by the watchmen of the quarter of the town
I frequented; one, whom I had unwittingly offended, giving the word to
the whole pack. You can scarcely conceive the tyranny exercised by these
wretches: considering themselves as the instruments of the very laws they
violate, the pretext which steels their conscience, hardens their heart.
Not content with receiving from us, outlaws of society (let other women
talk of favours) a brutal gratification gratuitously as a privilege of
office, they extort a tithe of prostitution, and harrass with threats the
poor creatures whose occupation affords not the means to silence the
growl of avarice. To escape from this persecution, I once more entered
into servitude.
"A life of comparative regularity restored my health; and--do not
start--my manners were improved, in a situation where vice sought to
render itself alluring, and taste was cultivated to fashion the person,
if not to refine the mind. Besides, the common civility of speech,
contrasted with the gross vulgarity to which I had been accustomed, was
something like the polish of civilization. I was not shut out from all
intercourse of humanity. Still I was galled by the yoke of service, and
my mistress often flying into violent fits of passion, made me dread a
sudden dismission, which I understood was always the case. I was
therefore prevailed on, though I felt a horror of men, to accept the
offer of a gentleman, rather in the decline of years, to keep his house,
pleasantly situated in a little village near Hampstead.
"He was a man of great talents, and of brilliant wit; but, a worn-out
votary of voluptuousness, his desires became fastidious in proportion as
they grew weak, and the native tenderness of his heart was undermined by
a vitiated imagination. A thoughtless career of libertinism and social
enjoyment, had injured his health to such a degree, that, whatever
pleasure his conversation afforded me (and my esteem was ensured by
proofs of the generous humanity of his disposition), the being his
mistress was purchasing it at a very dear rate. With such a keen
perception of the delicacies of sentiment, with an imagination
invigorated by the exercise of genius, how could he sink into the
grossness of sensuality!
"But, to pass over a subject which I recollect with pain, I must remark
to you, as an answer to your often-repeated question, 'Why my sentiments
and language were superior to my station?' that I now began to read, to
beguile the tediousness of solitude, and to gratify an inquisitive,
active mind. I had often, in my childhood, followed a ballad-singer, to
hear the sequel of a dismal story, though sure of being severely punished
for delaying to return with whatever I was sent to purchase. I could just
spell and put a sentence together, and I listened to the various
arguments, though often mingled with obscenity, which occurred at the
table where I was allowed to preside: for a literary friend or two
frequently came home with my master, to dine and pass the night. Having
lost the privileged respect of my sex, my presence, instead of
restraining, perhaps gave the reins to their tongues; still I had the
advantage of hearing discussions, from which, in the common course of
life, women are excluded.
"You may easily imagine, that it was only by degrees that I could
comprehend some of the subjects they investigated, or acquire from their
reasoning what might be termed a moral sense. But my fondness of reading
increasing, and my master occasionally shutting himself up in this
retreat, for weeks together, to write, I had many opportunities of
improvement. At first, considering money I was right!" (exclaimed Jemima,
altering her tone of voice) "as the only means, after my loss of
reputation, of obtaining respect, or even the toleration of humanity, I
had not the least scruple to secrete a part of the sums intrusted to me,
and to screen myself from detection by a system of falshood. But,
acquiring new principles, I began to have the ambition of returning to
the respectable part of society, and was weak enough to suppose it
possible. The attention of my unassuming instructor, who, without being
ignorant of his own powers, possessed great simplicity of manners,
strengthened the illusion. Having sometimes caught up hints for thought,
from my untutored remarks, he often led me to discuss the subjects he was
treating, and would read to me his productions, previous to their
publication, wishing to profit by the criticism of unsophisticated
feeling. The aim of his writings was to touch the simple springs of the
heart; for he despised the would-be oracles, the self-elected
philosophers, who fright away fancy, while sifting each grain of thought
to prove that slowness of comprehension is wisdom.
"I should have distinguished this as a moment of sunshine, a happy period
in my life, had not the repugnance the disgusting libertinism of my
protector inspired, daily become more painful.--And, indeed, I soon did
recollect it as such with agony, when his sudden death (for he had
recourse to the most exhilarating cordials to keep up the convivial tone
of his spirits) again threw me into the desert of human society. Had he
had any time for reflection, I am certain he would have left the little
property in his power to me: but, attacked by the fatal apoplexy in town,
his heir, a man of rigid morals, brought his wife with him to take
possession of the house and effects, before I was even informed of his
death,--'to prevent,' as she took care indirectly to tell me, 'such a
creature as she supposed me to be, from purloining any of them, had I
been apprized of the event in time.'
"The grief I felt at the sudden shock the information gave me, which at
first had nothing selfish in it, was treated with contempt, and I was
ordered to pack up my clothes; and a few trinkets and books, given me by
the generous deceased, were contested, while they piously hoped, with a
reprobating shake of the head, 'that God would have mercy on his sinful
soul!' With some difficulty, I obtained my arrears of wages; but
asking--such is the spirit-grinding consequence of poverty and
infamy--for a character for honesty and economy, which God knows I
merited, I was told by this--why must I call her woman?--'that it would
go against her conscience to recommend a kept mistress.' Tears started in
my eyes, burning tears; for there are situations in which a wretch is
humbled by the contempt they are conscious they do not deserve.
"I returned to the metropolis; but the solitude of a poor lodging was
inconceivably dreary, after the society I had enjoyed. To be cut off from
human converse, now I had been taught to relish it, was to wander a ghost
among the living. Besides, I foresaw, to aggravate the severity of my
fate, that my little pittance would soon melt away. I endeavoured to
obtain needlework; but, not having been taught early, and my hands being
rendered clumsy by hard work, I did not sufficiently excel to be employed
by the ready-made linen shops, when so many women, better qualified, were
suing for it. The want of a character prevented my getting a place; for,
irksome as servitude would have been to me, I should have made another
trial, had it been feasible. Not that I disliked employment, but the
inequality of condition to which I must have submitted. I had acquired a
taste for literature, during the five years I had lived with a literary
man, occasionally conversing with men of the first abilities of the age;
and now to descend to the lowest vulgarity, was a degree of wretchedness
not to be imagined unfelt. I had not, it is true, tasted the charms of
affection, but I had been familiar with the graces of humanity.
"One of the gentlemen, whom I had frequently dined in company with, while
I was treated like a companion, met me in the street, and enquired after
my health. I seized the occasion, and began to describe my situation; but
he was in haste to join, at dinner, a select party of choice spirits;
therefore, without waiting to hear me, he impatiently put a guinea into
my hand, saying, 'It was a pity such a sensible woman should be in
distress--he wished me well from his soul.'
"To another I wrote, stating my case, and requesting advice. He was an
advocate for unequivocal sincerity; and had often, in my presence,
descanted on the evils which arise in society from the despotism of rank
and riches.
"In reply, I received a long essay on the energy of the human mind, with
continual allusions to his own force of character. He added, 'That the
woman who could write such a letter as I had sent him, could never be in
want of resources, were she to look into herself, and exert her powers;
misery was the consequence of indolence, and, as to my being shut out
from society, it was the lot of man to submit to certain privations.'
"How often have I heard," said Jemima, interrupting her narrative, "in
conversation, and read in books, that every person willing to work may
find employment? It is the vague assertion, I believe, of insensible
indolence, when it relates to men; but, with respect to women, I am sure
of its fallacy, unless they will submit to the most menial bodily labour;
and even to be employed at hard labour is out of the reach of many, whose
reputation misfortune or folly has tainted.
"How writers, professing to be friends to freedom, and the improvement of
morals, can assert that poverty is no evil, I cannot imagine."
"No more can I," interrupted Maria, "yet they even expatiate on the
peculiar happiness of indigence, though in what it can consist, excepting
in brutal rest, when a man can barely earn a subsistence, I cannot
imagine. The mind is necessarily imprisoned in its own little tenement;
and, fully occupied by keeping it in repair, has not time to rove abroad
for improvement. The book of knowledge is closely clasped, against those
who must fulfil their daily task of severe manual labour or die; and
curiosity, rarely excited by thought or information, seldom moves on the
stagnate lake of ignorance."
"As far as I have been able to observe," replied Jemima, "prejudices,
caught up by chance, are obstinately maintained by the poor, to the
exclusion of improvement; they have not time to reason or reflect to any
extent, or minds sufficiently exercised to adopt the principles of
action, which form perhaps the only basis of contentment in every
station[114-A]."
* * * * *
"And independence," said Darnford, "they are necessarily strangers to,
even the independence of despising their persecutors. If the poor are
happy, or can be happy, _things are very well as they are_. And I cannot
conceive on what principle those writers contend for a change of system,
who support this opinion. The authors on the other side of the question
are much more consistent, who grant the fact; yet, insisting that it is
the lot of the majority to be oppressed in this life, kindly turn them
over to another, to rectify the false weights and measures of this, as
the only way to justify the dispensations of Providence. I have not,"
continued Darnford, "an opinion more firmly fixed by observation in my
mind, than that, though riches may fail to produce proportionate
happiness, poverty most commonly excludes it, by shutting up all the
avenues to improvement."
"And as for the affections," added Maria, with a sigh, "how gross, and
even tormenting do they become, unless regulated by an improving mind!
The culture of the heart ever, I believe, keeps pace with that of the
mind. But pray go on," addressing Jemima, "though your narrative gives
rise to the most painful reflections on the present state of society."
"Not to trouble you," continued she, "with a detailed description of all
the painful feelings of unavailing exertion, I have only to tell you,
that at last I got recommended to wash in a few families, who did me the
favour to admit me into their houses, without the most strict enquiry, to
wash from one in the morning till eight at night, for eighteen or
twenty-pence a day. On the happiness to be enjoyed over a washing-tub I
need not comment; yet you will allow me to observe, that this was a
wretchedness of situation peculiar to my sex. A man with half my
industry, and, I may say, abilities, could have procured a decent
livelihood, and discharged some of the duties which knit mankind
together; whilst I, who had acquired a taste for the rational, nay, in
honest pride let me assert it, the virtuous enjoyments of life, was cast
aside as the filth of society. Condemned to labour, like a machine, only
to earn bread, and scarcely that, I became melancholy and desperate.
"I have now to mention a circumstance which fills me with remorse, and
fear it will entirely deprive me of your esteem. A tradesman became
attached to me, and visited me frequently,--and I at last obtained such a
power over him, that he offered to take me home to his house.--Consider,
dear madam, I was famishing: wonder not that I became a wolf!--The only
reason for not taking me home immediately, was the having a girl in the
house, with child by him--and this girl--I advised him--yes, I did! would
I could forget it!--to turn out of doors: and one night he determined to
follow my advice, Poor wretch! she fell upon her knees, reminded him
that he had promised to marry her, that her parents were honest!--What
did it avail?--She was turned out.
"She approached her father's door, in the skirts of London,--listened at
the shutters,--but could not knock. A watchman had observed her go and
return several times--Poor wretch!--"The remorse Jemima spoke of, seemed
to be stinging her to the soul, as she proceeded."
"She left it, and, approaching a tub where horses were watered, she sat
down in it, and, with desperate resolution, remained in that
attitude--till resolution was no longer necessary!
"I happened that morning to be going out to wash, anticipating the moment
when I should escape from such hard labour. I passed by, just as some
men, going to work, drew out the stiff, cold corpse--Let me not recal the
horrid moment!--I recognized her pale visage; I listened to the tale told
by the spectators, and my heart did not burst. I thought of my own state,
and wondered how I could be such a monster!--I worked hard; and,
returning home, I was attacked by a fever. I suffered both in body and
mind. I determined not to live with the wretch. But he did not try me; he
left the neighbourhood. I once more returned to the wash-tub.
"Still this state, miserable as it was, admitted of aggravation. Lifting
one day a heavy load, a tub fell against my shin, and gave me great pain.
I did not pay much attention to the hurt, till it became a serious wound;
being obliged to work as usual, or starve. But, finding myself at length
unable to stand for any time, I thought of getting into an hospital.
Hospitals, it should seem (for they are comfortless abodes for the sick)
were expressly endowed for the reception of the friendless; yet I, who
had on that plea a right to assistance, wanted the recommendation of the
rich and respectable, and was several weeks languishing for admittance;
fees were demanded on entering; and, what was still more unreasonable,
security for burying me, that expence not coming into the letter of the
charity. A guinea was the stipulated sum--I could as soon have raised a
million; and I was afraid to apply to the parish for an order, lest they
should have passed me, I knew not whither. The poor woman at whose house
I lodged, compassionating my state, got me into the hospital; and the
family where I received the hurt, sent me five shillings, three and
six-pence of which I gave at my admittance--I know not for what.
"My leg grew quickly better; but I was dismissed before my cure was
completed, because I could not afford to have my linen washed to appear
decently, as the virago of a nurse said, when the gentlemen (the
surgeons) came. I cannot give you an adequate idea of the wretchedness of
an hospital; every thing is left to the care of people intent on gain.
The attendants seem to have lost all feeling of compassion in the
bustling discharge of their offices; death is so familiar to them, that
they are not anxious to ward it off. Every thing appeared to be conducted
for the accommodation of the medical men and their pupils, who came to
make experiments on the poor, for the benefit of the rich. One of the
physicians, I must not forget to mention, gave me half-a-crown, and
ordered me some wine, when I was at the lowest ebb. I thought of making
my case known to the lady-like matron; but her forbidding countenance
prevented me. She condescended to look on the patients, and make general
enquiries, two or three times a week; but the nurses knew the hour when
the visit of ceremony would commence, and every thing was as it should
be.