* * * * *
Rome bores me; Nice is my beloved country. I see Rome, Paris,
London, kings, courts, but there is nothing so pretty as my dear
villa. If ever I am rich, titled, and happy, I shall not forget it.
I shall spend several months of the year there! no, several
months--I could not do that, for everywhere, except in London,
winter is the principal season.
We went to the photographer, S----'s, to tell him that I would come
to pose on Monday. I saw there a number of portraits of people I
know. While looking at L----, his wife, and L---- D----, it seemed
as if he were going to bow to me. Then a bewitching woman with big,
deep eyes, and heavy eyebrows above a straight nose. She resembles
R----. Dina says it is she. But no, she has not that round chin with
a dimple, and those magnificent eyes. No, it can't be, she is not so
beautiful.
Then to the Pincio, then to a milliner to order a Marie Stuart cap,
and a Marie Antoinette turban. The woman showed me a gown she was
making for a ball at the Quirinal, day after to-morrow.
This plunges me into inconceivable torture. If you knew how I dread
spending the Carnival without a single amusement! We found the
ambassadress's card at our home, so she has returned the visit. It
is rather late, all the same. Her cousin came at dinner time. The
Grand Duke of L---- asked who we were (who is that pretty Russian?).
B---- says Mamma ought to go to call on the Marquise de M----. He
says it is the custom here, especially from a foreigner to a Roman
lady. Let Mamma go anywhere, provided that I can go where I like. My
torture has no bounds, I am dying of it every instant. Do you want a
proof of my despair? There are times when I hope to marry A---- and
be something at Nice with P----; that gives the measure of my
discouragement, my desperation.
I have had this humiliating thought once or twice. I tell you to
show you how low I descend, how vexed, how martyrised I am to live
in this way. Who will restore my lost time, my best time? I have
used every expression, and am dying because I cannot make myself
understood.
I have written to C---- and to B----. I was in a hurry to tell them
the good news. I have the very weak middle notes which accompany the
abnormal compass of my voice. I have found a method of singing that
strengthens them wonderfully, so that they are almost as strong as
the rest. This delights me, and I am eager to write about it to
B----, who is so much interested in my voice. But for that, it would
have required two years study to render them satisfactory. I thank
God, and will pray to Him for the other things.
Thursday, January 20th, 1876.
After three years study, if no accident happens, I shall have a
voice such as is rarely heard, and I shall not yet be twenty.
F---- is severe and just.
I am afraid to say all that I think of my voice; a strange modesty
closes my lips. Yet I have always spoken of myself as if I were
talking of some one else, which has perhaps made people think me
blind and arrogant.
Friday, January 21st, 1876.