"My dear Madame Paon,
"That I sincerely forgive Madame d'Albret is true; I do so from my
heart; but although I forgive her, I cannot listen to any proposal to
resume the position I once held. Recollect that she has driven all over
Paris, and accused me among all her friends of ingratitude and slander.
How then, after having been discarded for such conduct, could I again
make my appearance in her company. Either I have done as she has
stated, and if so, am unworthy of her patronage, or I have not done so,
and therefore have been cruelly used: made to feel my dependence in the
bitterest way, having been dismissed and thrown upon the world with loss
of character. Could I ever feel secure or comfortable with her after
such injustice? or could she feel at her ease on again presenting one as
her _protegee_, whom she had so ill-treated? would she not have to blush
every time that she met with any of our former mutual friends and
acquaintances? It would be a series of humiliations to us both. Assure
her of my forgiveness and good-will, and my wishes for her happiness;
but to return to her is impossible. I would rather starve. If she knew
what I have suffered in consequence of her hasty conduct towards me, she
would pity me more than she may do now; but what is done is done. There
is no remedy for it. Adieu, Madame Paon. Many thanks for your kindness
to one so fallen as I am.
"Yours truly and sincerely,
"Valerie."
I wrote the above under great depression of spirits, and it was with a
heavy heart that I afterwards alighted at Lady M--'s residence in St
James's Square. If smiles, however, and cordial congratulations, and
shakes of the hand could have consoled me, they were not wanting on the
part of Lady M--and her daughters. I was shown all the rooms below,
then Lady M--'s room, the young ladies' rooms, and lastly my own, and
was truly glad when I was at last left alone to unpack and arrange my
things.
The room allotted to me was very comfortable, and better furnished than
those in which the young ladies slept, and as far as appearances went, I
was in all respects treated as a visitor and not as a governess. The
maid who attended me was very civil, and as she assisted and laid my
dresses in the wardrobe, made no attempt to be familiar. I ought to
have informed the reader that Lady M--was a widow, Lord M--having died
about two years before. Her eldest son, the present Lord M--, was on
the continent. Dinner was announced; there were only two visitors, and
I was treated as one of the company. In fact, nothing could be more
gratifying than the manner in which I was treated. In the evening, I
played and sang. The young ladies did the same; their voices were good,
but they wanted expression in their singing, and I perceived that I
could be useful.
Lady M--asked me, when we were not overheard, "what I thought of her
daughters' singing?"