I have titled these pages with nothing more than my baptismal name. If
the reader finds sufficient interest in them to read to the end, he will
discover the position that I am in, after an eventful life. I shall,
however, not trespass upon his time by making many introductory remarks;
but commence at once with my birth, parentage, and education. This is
necessary, as although the two first are, perhaps, of little comparative
consequence, still the latter is of importance, as it will prepare the
reader for many events in my after-life. I may add, that much depends
upon birth and parentage; at all events, it is necessary to complete a
perfect picture. Let me, therefore, begin at the beginning.
I was born in France. My father, who was of the _ancienne noblesse_ of
France, by a younger branch of the best blood, and was a most splendid
specimen of the outward man, was the son of an old officer, and an
officer himself in the army of Napoleon. In the conquest of Italy, he
had served in the ranks, and continuing to follow Napoleon through all
his campaigns, had arrived to the grade of captain of cavalry. He had
distinguished himself on many occasions, was a favourite of the
Emperor's, wore the cross of the Legion of Honour, and was considered in
a fair way to rapid promotion, when he committed a great error. During
the time that his squadron was occupying a small German town, situated
on the river Erbach, called Deux Ponts, he saw my mother, fell
desperately in love, and married. There was some excuse for him, for a
more beautiful woman than my mother I never beheld; moreover, she was
highly talented, and a most perfect musician; of a good family, and with
a dower by no means contemptible.
The reader may say that, in marrying such a woman, my father could
hardly be said to have committed a very great error. This is true, the
error was not in marrying, but in allowing his wife's influence over him
to stop his future advancement. He wished to leave her with her father
and mother until the campaign was over. She refused to be left, and he
yielded to her wishes. Now, Napoleon had no objection to his officers
being married, but a very great dislike to their wives accompanying the
army; and this was the fault which my father committed, and which lost
him the favour of his general. My mother was too beautiful a woman not
to be noticed, and immediately inquired about, and the knowledge soon
came to Napoleon's ears, and militated against my father's future
advancement.
During the first year of their marriage, my eldest brother, Auguste, was
born, and shortly afterwards my mother promised an increase to the
family, which was the occasion of great satisfaction to my father, who
now that he had been married more than a year, would at times look at my
mother, and, beautiful as she was, calculate in his mind whether the
possession of her was indemnification sufficient for the loss of the
brigade which she had cost him.
To account for my father's satisfaction, I must acquaint the reader with
circumstances which are not very well known. As I before observed,
Napoleon had no objection to marriage, because he required men for his
army; and because he required men, and not women, he thought very poorly
of a married couple who produced a plurality of girls. If, on the
contrary, a woman presented her husband with six or seven boys, if he
was an officer in the army, he was certain of a pension for life. Now,
as my mother had commenced with a boy, and it is well known that there
is every chance of a woman continuing to produce the sex which first
makes its appearance, she was much complimented and congratulated by the
officers when she so soon gave signs of an increase, and they prophesied
that she would, by her fruitfulness, in a few years obtain a pension for
her husband. My father hoped so, and thought that if he had lost the
brigade, he would be indemnified by the pension. My mother was certain
of it; and declared it was a boy.
But prophesies, hopes, and declarations, were all falsified and
overthrown by my unfortunate appearance. The disappointment of my
father was great; but he bore it like a man. My mother was not only
disappointed, but indignant. She felt mortified after all her
declarations, that I should have appeared and disproved them. She was a
woman of violent temper, a discovery which my father made too late. To
me, as the cause of her humiliation and disappointment, she took an
aversion, which only increased as I grew up, and which, as will be
hereafter shown, was the main spring of all my vicissitudes in
after-life.
Surely, there is an error in asserting that there is no feeling so
strong as maternal love. How often do we witness instances like mine,
in which disappointed vanity, ambition, or interest, have changed this
love into deadly hate!
My father, who felt the inconvenience of my mother accompanying him on
forced marches, and who, perhaps, being disappointed in his hopes of a
pension, thought that he might as well recover the Emperor's favour, and
look for the brigade, now proposed that my mother should return with her
two children to her parents. This my mother, who had always gained the
upper-hand, positively refused to accede to. She did, however, allow me
and my brother Auguste to be sent to her parents' care at Deux Ponts,
and there we remained while my father followed the fortunes of the
Emperor, and my mother followed the fortunes of my father. I have
little or no recollection of my maternal grandfather and grandmother. I
remember that I lived with them, as I remained there with my brother
till I was seven years old, at which period my paternal grandmother
offered to receive my brother and me, and take charge of our education.
This offer was accepted, and we both went to Luneville where she
resided.
I have said that my paternal grandmother offered to receive us, and not
my paternal grandfather, who was still alive. Such was the case; as,
could he have had his own way, he would not have allowed us to come to
Luneville, for he had a great dislike to children; but my grandmother
had property of her own, independent of her husband, and she insisted
upon our coming. Very often, after we had been received into her house,
I would hear remonstrance on his part relative to the expense of keeping
us, and the reply of my grandmother, which would be, "_Eh bien, Monsieur
Chatenoeuf, c'est mon argent que je depense_." I must describe Monsieur
Chatenoeuf. As I before stated, he had been an officer in the French
army; but had now retired upon his pension, with the rank of major, and
decorated with the Legion of Honour. At the time that I first saw him,
he was a tall, elegant old man, with hair as white as silver. I heard
it said, that when young he was considered one of the bravest and
handsomest officers in the French army. He was very quiet in his
manners, spoke very little, and took a large quantity of snuff. He was
egotistic to excess, attending wholly to himself and his own comforts,
and it was because the noise of children interfered with his comfort,
that he disliked them so much. We saw little of him, and cared less.
If I came into his room when he was alone, he promised me a good
whipping, I therefore avoided him as much as I could; the association
was not pleasant.
Luneville is a beautiful town in the Department of Meurthe. The castle,
or rather palace, is a very splendid and spacious building, in which
formerly the Dukes of Lorraine held their court. It was afterwards
inhabited by King Stanislaus, who founded a military school, a library
and a hospital. The palace was a square building, with a handsome
facade facing the town, and in front of it there was a fountain. There
was a large square in the centre of the palace, and behind it an
extensive garden, which was well kept up and carefully attended to. One
side of the palace was occupied by the officers of the regiments
quartered in Luneville; the opposite side, by the soldiery; and the
remainder of the building was appropriated to the reception of old
retired officers who had been pensioned. It was in this beautiful
building, that my grandfather and grandmother were established for the
remainder of their lives. Except the Tuileries, I know of no palace in
France equal to that of Luneville. Here it was that, at seven years
old, I took up my quarters; and it is from that period that I have
always dated my existence.
I have described my grandfather and my residence, but now I must
introduce my grandmother; my dear, excellent, grandmother, whom I loved
so much when she was living, and whose memory I shall ever revere. In
person she was rather diminutive, but, although sixty years of age, she
still retained her figure, which was remarkably pretty, and she was as
straight as an arrow. Never had age pressed more lightly upon the human
frame; for, strange to say, her hair was black as jet, and fell down to
her knees. It was considered a great curiosity, and she was not a
little proud of it, for there was not a grey hair to be seen. Although
she had lost many of her teeth, her skin was not wrinkled, but had a
freshness most remarkable in a person so advanced in years. Her mind
was as young as her body; she was very witty and coquettish, and the
officers living in the palace were continually in her apartments,
preferring her company to that of younger women. Partial to children,
she would join in all our sports, and sit down to play "hunt the
slipper," with us and our young companions. But with all her vivacity,
she was a strictly moral and religious woman. She could be lenient to
indiscretion and carelessness, but any deviation from truth and honesty
on the part of my brother or myself, was certain to be visited with
severe punishment. She argued, that there could be no virtue, where
there was deceit, which she considered as the hot-bed from which every
vice would spring out spontaneously; that truth was the basis of all
that was good and noble, and that every other branch of education was,
comparatively speaking, of no importance, and, without truth, of no
value. She was right.
My brother and I were both sent to day-schools. The maid Catherine
always took me to school after breakfast, and came to fetch me home
about four o'clock in the afternoon. Those were happy times. With what
joy I used to return to the palace, bounding into my grandmother's
apartment on the ground floor, sometimes to frighten her, leaping in at
the window and dropping at her feet, the old lady scolding and laughing
at the same time. My grandmother was, as I observed, religious, but she
was not a devotee. The great object was to instil into me a love of
truth, and in this she was indefatigable. When I did wrong, it was not
the fault I had committed which caused her concern; it was the fear that
I should deny it, which worried and alarmed her. To prevent this, the
old lady had a curious method--she dreamed for my benefit. If I had
done wrong, and she suspected me, she would not accuse me until she had
made such inquiries as convinced her that I was the guilty person; and
then, perhaps, the next morning, she would say, as I stood by her side:
"Valerie, I had a dream last night; I can't get it out of my head. I
dreamt that my little girl had forgotten her promise to me, and when she
went to the store-room had eaten a large piece of the cake."
She would fix her eyes upon me as she narrated the events of her dream,
and, as she proceeded, my face would be covered with blushes, and my
eyes cast down in confusion; I dared not look at her, and by the time
that she had finished, I was down on my knees, with my face buried in
her lap. If my offence was great, I had to say my prayers, and implore
the Divine forgiveness, and was sent to prison, that is, locked up for a
few hours in my bedroom. Catherine, the maid, had been many years with
my grandmother, and was, to a certain degree, a privileged person; at
all events, she considered herself warranted in giving her opinion, and
grumbling as much as she pleased, and such was invariably the case
whenever I was locked up. "_Toujours en prison, cette pauvre petite_.
It is too bad, madam; you must let her out." My grandmother would
quietly reply, "Catherine, you are a good woman, but you understand
nothing about the education of children." Sometimes, however, she
obtained the key from my grandmother, and I was released sooner than was
originally intended.
The fact is, that being put in prison was a very heavy punishment, as it
invariably took place in the evenings, after my return from school, so
that I lost my play-hours. There were a great many officers with their
wives located in the palace, and, of course, no want of playmates. The
girls used to go to the bosquet, which adjoined the gardens of the
palace, collect flowers, and make a garland, which they hung on a rope
stretched across the court-yard of the palace. As the day closed in,
the party from each house, or apartments rather, brought out a lantern,
and having thus illuminated our ballroom by subscription, the boys and
girls danced the "_ronde_," and other games, until it was bedtime. As
the window of my bedroom looked out upon the court, whenever I was put
into prison, I had the mortification of witnessing all these joyous
games, without being permitted to join in them.
To prove the effect of my grandmother's system of dreaming upon me, I
will narrate a circumstance which occurred. My grandfather had a landed
property about four miles from Luneville. A portion of this land was
let to a farmer, and the remainder he farmed on his own account, and the
produce was consumed in the house-keeping. From this farm we received
milk, butter, cheese, all kinds of fruit, and indeed everything which a
farm produces. In that part of France they have a method of melting
down and clarifying butter for winter use, instead of salting it. This
not only preserves it, but, to most people, makes it more palatable; at
all events I can answer for myself, for I was inordinately fond of it.
There were eighteen or twenty jars of it in the store-room, which were
used up in rotation. I dared not take any out of the jar in use, as I
should be certain to be discovered; so I went to the last jar, and by my
repeated assaults upon it, it was nearly empty before my grandmother
discovered it. As usual, she had a dream. She commenced with counting
over the number of jars of butter; and how she opened such a one, and it
was full; and then the next, and it was full; but before her dream was
half over, and while she was still a long way from the jar which I had
despoiled, I was on my knees, telling her the end of the dream, of my
own accord, for I could not bear the suspense of having all the jars
examined. From that time, I generally made a full confession before the
dream was ended.
But when I was about nine years old, I was guilty of a very heavy
offence, which I shall narrate, on account of the peculiar punishment
which I received, and which might be advantageously pursued by the
parents of the present day, who may happen to cast their eyes over these
memoirs. It was the custom for the children of the officers who lived
in the palace, that is, the girls, to club together occasionally, that
they might have a little _fete_ in the garden of the palace. It was a
sort of pic-nic, to which every one contributed; some would bring cakes,
some fruit; some would bring money (a few sous) to purchase bon-bons, or
anything else which might be agreed upon.
On those occasions, my grandmother invariably gave me fruit, a very
liberal allowance of apples and pears, from the store-room; for we had
plenty from the orchard of the farm. But one day, one of the elder
girls told me that they had plenty of fruit, and that I must bring some
money. I asked my grandmother, but she refused me; and then this girl
proposed that I should steal some from my grandfather. I objected; but
she ridiculed my objections, and pressed me until she overcame my
scruples, and I consented. But when I left her after she had obtained
my promise, I was in a sad state. I knew it was wicked to steal, and
the girl had taken care to point out to me how wicked it was to break a
promise. I did not know what to do: all that evening I was in such a
state of feverish excitement, that my grandmother was quite astonished.
The fact was, that I was ashamed to retract my promise, and yet I
trembled at the deed that I was about to do. I went into my room and
got into bed. I remained awake; and about midnight I got up, and
creeping softly into my grandfather's room, I went to his clothes, which
were on a chair, and rifled his pockets of--two sous!
Having effected my purpose, I retired stealthily, and gained my own
room. What my feelings were when I was again in bed I cannot well
describe--they were horrible--I could not shut my eyes for the remainder
of the night and the next morning I made my appearance, haggard, pale,
and trembling. It proved, however, that my grandfather who was awake,
had witnessed the theft in silence, and informed my grandmother of it.
Before I went to school, my grandmother called me in to her, for I had
avoided her.
"Come here, Valerie," said she, "I have had a dream--a most dreadful
dream--it was about a little girl, who, in the middle of the night,
crept into her grandfather's room--"
I could bear no more. I threw myself on the floor, and, in agony,
screamed out--
"Yes, grandmamma, and stole two sous."
A paroxysm of tears followed the confession, and for more than an hour I
remained on the floor, hiding my face and sobbing. My grandmother
allowed me to remain there--she was very much annoyed--I had committed a
crime of the first magnitude--my punishment was severe. I was locked up
in my room for ten days: but this was the smallest portion of the
punishment: every visitor that came in, I was sent for, and on my making
my appearance, my grandmother would take me by the hand, and leading me
up, would formally present me to the visitors.
"Permettez, madame (ou monsieur), que je vous presente Mademoiselle
Valerie, qui est enfermee dans sa chambre, pour avoir vole deux sous de
son grand-pere."
Oh! the shame, the mortification that I felt. This would take place at
least ten times a day; and each succeeding presentation was followed by
a burst of tears, as I was again led back to my chamber. Severe as this
punishment was, the effect of it was excellent. I would have endured
martyrdom, after what I had gone through, before I would have taken what
was not my own. It was a painful, but a judicious, and most radical
cure.
For five years I remained under the care of this most estimable woman,
and, under her guidance, had become a truthful and religious girl; and I
may conscientiously add, that I was as innocent as a lamb--but a change
was at hand. The Emperor had been hurled from his throne, and was shut
up on a barren rock, and soon great alterations were made in the French
army. My father's regiment of huzzars had been disbanded, and he was
now appointed to a dragoon regiment, which was ordered to Luneville. He
arrived with my mother and a numerous family, she having presented him
with seven more children; so that, with Auguste and me, he had now nine
children. I may as well here observe that my mother continued to add
yearly to the family, till she had fourteen in all, and out of these
there were seven boys; so that, had the Emperor remained on the throne
of France, my father would certainly have secured the pension.
The arrival of my family was a source both of pleasure and pain to me.
I was most anxious to see all my brothers and sisters, and my heart
yearned towards my father and mother, although I had no recollection of
them; but I was fearful that I should be removed from my grandmother's
care, and she was equally alarmed at the chance of our separation.
Unfortunately for me, it turned out as we had anticipated. My mother
was anything but gracious to my grandmother, notwithstanding the
obligations she was under to her, and very soon took an opportunity of
quarrelling with her. The cause of the quarrel was very absurd, and
proved that it was predetermined on the part of my mother. My
grandmother had some curious old carved furniture, which my mother
coveted, and requested my grandmother to let her have it. This my
grandmother would not consent to, and my mother took offence at her
refusal. I and my brother were immediately ordered home, my mother
asserting that we had been both very badly brought up; and this was all
the thanks that my grandmother received for her kindness to us, and
defraying all our expenses for five years. I had not been at home more
than a week, when my father's regiment was ordered to Nance; but, during
this short period, I had sufficient to convince me that I should be very
miserable. My mother's dislike to me, which I have referred to before,
now assumed the character of positive hatred, and I was very
ill-treated. I was employed as a servant, and as nurse to the younger
children; and hardly a day passed without my feeling the weight of her
hand. We set off for Nance, and I thought my heart would break as I
quitted the arms of my grandmother, who wept over me. My father was
very willing to leave me with my grandmother, who promised to leave her
property to me; but this offer in my favour enraged my mother still
more; she declared that I should not remain; and my father had long
succumbed to her termagant disposition, and yielded implicit obedience
to her authority. It was lamentable to see such a fine soldierlike man
afraid even to speak before this woman; but he was completely under her
thraldom, and never dared to contradict.
As soon as we were settled in the barracks at Nance, my mother commenced
her system of persecution in downright earnest. I had to make all the
beds, wash the children, carry out the baby, and do every menial office
for my brothers and sisters, who were encouraged to order me about. I
had very good clothes, which had been provided me by my grandmother;
they were all taken away, and altered for my younger sisters; but what
was still more mortifying, all my sisters had lessons in music, dancing,
and other accomplishments, from various masters, whose instructions I
was not permitted to take advantage of, although there would have been
no addition to the expense.
"Oh! my father," cried I, "why is this?--what have I done?--am not I
your daughter--your eldest daughter?"
"I will speak to your mother," replied he.
And he did venture to do so; but by so doing, he raised up such a
tempest, that he was glad to drop the subject, and apologise for an act
of justice. Poor man! he could do no more than pity me.
I well remember my feelings at that time. I felt that I could love my
mother, love her dearly, if she would have allowed me so to do. I had
tried to obtain her good-will, but I received nothing in return but
blows, and at last I became so alarmed when in her presence that I
almost lost my reason. My ears were boxed till I could not recollect
where I was, and I became stupefied with fear. All I thought of, all my
anxiety, at last, was to get out of the room where my mother was. My
terror was so great that her voice made me tremble, and at the sight of
her I caught my breath and gasped from alarm. My brother Auguste was
very nearly as much an object of dislike to my mother as I was, chiefly
because he had been brought up by my grandmother, and moreover because
he would take my part.
The great favourite of my mother was my second brother Nicolas; he was a
wonderful musician, could play upon any instrument and the most
difficult music at sight. This talent endeared him to my mother, who
was herself a first-rate musician. He was permitted to order me about
just as he pleased, and if I did not please him, to beat me without
mercy, and very often my mother would fly at me and assist him. But
Auguste took my part, and Nicolas received very severe chastisement from
him, but this did not help me; on the contrary, if Auguste interfered in
my behalf, my mother would pounce upon me, and I may say that I was
stunned with her blows. Auguste appealed to his father, but he dared
not interfere. He was coward enough to sit by and see his daughter
treated in this way without remonstrance; and, in a short time, I was
fast approaching to what my mother declared me to be--a perfect idiot.
I trust that my own sex will not think me a renegade when I say, that,
if ever there was a proof that woman was intended by the Creator to be
subject to man, it is, that once place power in the hands of woman, and
there is not one out of a hundred who will not abuse it. We hear much
of the rights of woman, and their wrongs; but this is certain, that in a
family, as in a State, there can be no divided rule--no equality. One
must be master, and no family is so badly managed, or so badly brought
up, as where the law of nature is reversed, and we contemplate that most
despicable of all _lusi naturae_--a hen-pecked husband. To proceed, the
consequence of my mother's treatment, was to undermine in me all the
precepts of my worthy grandmother. I was a slave; and a slave under the
continual influence of fear cannot be honest. The fear of punishment
produced deceit to avoid it. Even my brother Auguste, from his regard
and pity for me, would fall into the same error. "Valerie," he would
say, running out to me as I was coming home with my little brother in my
arms, "your mother will beat you on your return. You must say so and
so." This so and so was, of course, an untruth; and, in consequence, my
fibs were so awkward, and accompanied by so much hesitation and
blushing, that I was invariably found out, and then punished for what I
did not deserve to be; and when my mother obtained such triumphant proof
against me, she did not fail to make the most of it with my father, who,
by degrees, began to consider that my treatment was merited, and that I
was a bad and deceitful child.
My only happiness was to be out in the open air, away from my mother's
presence, and this was only to be obtained when I was ordered out with
my little brother Pierre, whom I had to carry as soon as I had done the
household work. If Pierre was fractious, my mother would order me out
of the house with him immediately. This I knew, and I used to pinch the
poor child to make him cry, that I might gain my object, and be sent
away; so that to duplicity I added cruelty. Six months before this, had
any one told me that I ever would be guilty of such a thing, with what
indignation I should have denied it!
Although my mother flattered herself that it was only in her own
domestic circle that her unnatural conduct towards me was known, such
was not the case, and the treatment which I received from her was the
occasion of much sympathy on the part of the officers and their wives,
who were quartered in the barracks. Some of them ventured to
remonstrate with my father for his consenting to it; but although he was
cowed by a woman, he had no fear of men, and as he told them candidly
that any future interference in his domestic concerns must be answered
by the sword, no more was said to him on the subject. Strange, that a
man should risk his life with such indifference, rather than remedy an
evil, and yet be under such thraldom to a woman!--that one who was
always distinguished in action as the most forward and the most brave,
should be a trembling coward before an imperious wife! But this is a
world of sad contradictions.
There was a lady in the barracks, wife to one of the superior officers,
who was very partial to me. She had a daughter, a very sweet girl, who
was also named Valerie. When I could escape from the house, I used to
be constantly with them; and when I saw my name-sake caressing and
caressed, in the arms of her mother, as I was sitting by on a stool, the
tears would run down at the thoughts that such pleasure was debarred
from me.
"Why do you cry, Valerie?"
"Oh! madam, why have I not a mother like your Valerie? Why am I to be
beat instead of being caressed and fondled like her? What have I
done?--But she is not my mother--I'm sure she cannot be--I will never
believe it!"
And such had really become my conviction, and in consequence I never
would address her by the title of mother. This my mother perceived, and
it only added to her ill-will. Only permit any one feeling or passion
to master you--allow it to increase by never being in the slightest
degree checked, and it is horrible to what an excess it will carry you.
About this time, my mother proved the truth of the above observation, by
saying to me, as she struck me to the ground--
"I'll kill you," cried she; and then, catching her breath, said in a
low, determined tone, "Oh! I only wish that I dared."