VARIATIONS
"I have no illusions left but the Archbishop of
Canterbury."--Sydney Smith.
"When I was attached to a field ambulance," said the doctor, "we had
three padres with us in the mess."
"That was rather a large order," said the Rev. Mr. Jeffries.
"It _was_ a large order," agreed the doctor, "but one of them anyway
was quite harmless. The R.C. padre spoke very little, ate an
enormous amount, and listened with infinite contempt to the
discussions of his colleagues.
"I don't want to hurt your feelings, padre, but Catholicism is _the_
only religion. A faith is only justified if it carries conviction.
What's the use of a creed or a dogma which is as transient as a
philosophy? Being condemned by my profession to study beings whose
moral balance is unstable, I am in a position to assert that the
Roman Church has a complete understanding of human nature. As a
psychologist and a doctor, I admire the uncompromising attitude of
the Councils. So much weakness and stupidity requires the firm
support of an authority without the slightest tolerance. The curative
value of a doctrine lies not in its logical truth, but in its
permanency."
"It is quite true," said Colonel Parker, "that nothing short of the
rigid dictates of Catholicism could have prevented the Irish from
going completely mad. But don't judge every one from your own case,
O'Grady; the Saxons possess a solid, Protestant intelligence."
"Well," the doctor continued, "our other two padres spent their
evenings trying to swallow each other up. One of them was Church of
England and the other Presbyterian; and they employed the most modern
commercial methods in their competition. Church of England found an
old gipsy cart which he set up at Dickebusch and from which he sold
chocolate to the Jocks; whereupon Church of Scotland installed a
telescope at Kruystraete to show them the stars. If the one formed a
cigar-trust, the other made a corner in cigarettes. If one of them
introduced a magic lantern, the other chartered a cinema. But the
permanent threat to the peace of the mess was undoubtedly the Baptist
question.
"As we had no Baptist padre, the unfortunate soldiers of that
persuasion (of whom there were seven in the Division) could attend no
service. The astonishing thing was that they never seemed to realize
the extent of their misfortune.
"On one point at any rate our two padres agreed: men could not be
left, in the dangerous zone in which we were then living, without the
consolations of religion. But both Church of England and Church of
Scotland each claimed the right to annex this tiny neutral
congregation.
"'Excuse me,' said Church of Scotland; 'the Baptist, it is true, only
performs the immersion ceremony when the adult's faith is confirmed,
but on all other points he resembles the Presbyterian. His Church is
a democratic one and is opposed to episcopacy, like ours.'
"'Pardon me,' said Church of England; 'the Baptist, in demanding a
return to the primitive form of the Sacrament, proves himself to be
the most conservative of all British Christians. Now every
one--including yourself--admits that the Church of England is the
most conservative of all the Reformed Churches. Besides----'
"For hours at a time they used to go on like this, and the futile
discussion became even more annoying as I got to know the different
arguments as well as either of them.
"One day I was sent up to the ambulance's advance post at Maple
Copse--you know, that little wood in front of Ypres."
"Unhealthy spot that," said the general.
"So unhealthy, sir, that while I was there a whizz-bang hit my
dug-out and blew my sergeant into small pieces, which remained
hanging on the branches of the trees. It was a pity, for he was the
best forward in the brigade football team. I put all I could find of
him into a cloth, announced the burial for the next day, and then, as
it was my turn to be relieved, I went back to the ambulance
headquarters.
"My return was distinctly lively. On leaving the splendid trench
which is called Zillebeke Road, I was silly enough to cross the
exposed ground near the railway embankment. A machine gun thought it
rather amusing to have a pot at me from Hill 60----"
"All right, doctor," said General Bramble, "spare us the details."
"Well, just as I left Ypres, I came across a Ford car which took me
back to camp. In the mess I found Church of England and Church of
Scotland arguing away as usual, while Roman Church was reading his
breviary in a corner.
"'Satan, whence comest thou?' one of them asked me.
"'Well, gentlemen,' I replied, 'you ought to be glad to see me,
because I really am back from hell this time.'
"And I told them my adventures, putting in a lot of local colour
about cannonades, explosions, whistling bullets and hailstorm
barrages, in a style worthy of our best war correspondents."
"You old humbug!" grunted the colonel.
"'By the way,' I concluded, 'I've got a job for one of you!
Freshwater, my sergeant, has been blown to bits, and what I could
collect of him is to be buried to-morrow morning. I'll give you the
route--Messines gate, Zillebeke----'
"I saw the two padres' faces fall swiftly.
"'What religion?' they both asked simultaneously.
"'Baptist,' I replied carelessly. 'Have a cigarette, padre?'
"The two enemies gazed attentively at the ceiling; Roman Church kept
his nose in his breviary and his ears well pricked up.
"'Well,' said Church of England at length, 'I wouldn't mind going up
to Zillebeke. I've been in worse places to bury a man of my own
Church. But for a Baptist it strikes me, O'Grady----'
"'Excuse me,' interrupted Church of Scotland. 'Baptism is the most
conservative form of British Christianity, and the Anglican Church
itself boasts----'
"'I dare say, I dare say,' said the other, 'but is not the Baptist
Church a democratic one, like the Presbyterian?'
"They might have gone on in this strain till the poor beggar was in
his grave, had not Roman Church suddenly interrupted in a mild voice,
without taking his nose out of his little book:
"'I'll go, if you like.'
"Hatred of Popery is the beginning of union, and they both went up
the line together."