THE MARITAL RELATIONS.
The Subject Approached With Reluctance.—The Marital State
Should be the Most Sacred of Sanctuaries.—Wrongly Interpreted
it is the Abode of Darkness and Sin.—Its Influence for Good or
Evil upon Character.—Responsibility of Mothers for the Unhappy
Lives of Their Daughters.—Commercial Marriages.—Marriage as
it Should be.—The Husband’s Danger from “Aggressiveness.”—The
Wife Should not Provoke the Wrongs She Suffers.—Marital
Modesty.—Parenthood the Justification of the Marital
Act.—Reproduction the Primal Purpose.—Harmony of Purpose and
Life.—Love’s Highest Plane.—The Value of Continence.—The Right
and Wrong of Marriage.—The Relation During Gestation.—Effects
of Relation During Gestation Illustrated.—The Wrongdoings of
Good Men.—The Fruits of Ignorance.—The Better Day Coming.
We approach this chapter with a degree of reluctance, because of
the varying opinions entertained by many good people, and because
of the false notions which have crept into the conception of its
responsibilities, its duties, its privileges, its rights, and its wrongs.
When the marital state is entered in the spirit of Him who ordained
it, no sanctuary is more sacred; when entered in the misconception of
many men and women of modern times, no relation is more of the abode of
darkness and sin.
Rightly interpreted, and its privileges not abused, its influence upon
the individual and united lives, is second to none for the development
of strong noble character. Wrongly interpreted, and its liberties used
as a license for unbridled desire, while the great object for which the
relation was instituted is not only not recognized, but by every means
avoided and abused, it becomes a snare and degradation to the nobler
instincts and aspirations, and lets in a legion of evil spirits which
lead farther and farther away from truth and righteousness.
When the marriage state is entered with the fixed determination to avoid
parenthood, while giving rein to lust, can we wonder at the looseness
of character developed and the deadening of conscience to all sin? And
what have been the causes which have led up to this state of things?
False notions of life, low ideas of happiness, lack of individuality
and self-assertion where principle is concerned, leaving God out of
the question of marriage, and vain, untaught mothers—these are the
influences which have caused this state of things.
A late writer of a magazine article has said “If the recording angel
is still keeping account of human things, there are crimes going on
record constantly against women, and among the blackest of these are the
millions of sins chalked down against mothers who are guilty of teaching
this degrading error to their daughters, that the gewgaws of fashion,
the luxury of a city home, is the price for their daughter’s body, soul,
honor, health and happiness. Alas! the only happiness these modern girls,
raised for the matrimonial market, know, is found in the few years of
innocence while they are still in the nursery. And the remedy for this
evil, is there none? There is none in law or virtue, for those who have
sold their womanhood for a mess of pottage. But the young may be spared.
Teach your daughters, mothers, that happiness and health for themselves,
and strong bodies for their offspring, are what should be dearest to a
woman; that they are more to be valued than all the riches of Golconda;
that marriage should be guided by nature, not commercialism. And, young
women, be true to yourselves. Seek happiness and joy where they may
be found. Be true to yourself, and loyal to your own womanhood. Don’t
believe that love is old-fashioned or obsolete. It is eternal. It is
nature’s finger pointing the way to marriage that will always be happy.”
No life can be imagined more miserable, when the first glamour is worn
off, no matter how much of wealth and position and social standing is
thrown in, than a loveless marriage. Every responsibility becomes a hard
fact, every duty an unrequited labor, every privilege, at least to one of
the contracting parties, an unwelcome and nauseous gratification, life
itself a burden.
How different when love smooths the way, and finds excuse for every
trifling inconsistency; when sorrows are shared, not doubled, when rights
are respected, when home means wife, husband, children, happiness, with
God over all.
But we will put aside all the sad pictures and think of marriage as it
should be, and then measure its responsibilities. Hitherto you have,
since your majority, in large measure sought your own pleasure; now you
have the pleasure of another to seek; and you do it gladly. Not what is
best for you alone, but what is best for you two united in making a
home, in adding to the strength of both in the united life.
Much has been said, in these later days, derogatory to the clause in our
older marriage ceremonies which promises obedience. In true marriages
there is no thought of obedience or disobedience. Each seeks willingly
the opinions and wishes of the other, and, so far as possible and best,
follows them; but there must be no arbitrary wilfulness on the part
of either, and each must acknowledge the individuality of the other
and respect the differences of opinion. A ready yielding of trifling
differences is a small price to pay for conjugal harmony, and every time
it is done it adds loveliness to the one who yields.
In a late number of _The Ladies’ Home Journal_, Mrs. Burton Kingsland
says, “A readiness to give up in little things is the most tactful appeal
possible for a return of courtesy, at other times when the matter may
be of importance to us. It is a high attainment in politeness to allow
others to be mistaken. Let a trifling misstatement pass unnoticed where
no principle is involved, and when a mistake is past remedy, it is best
to let the subject drop. The argument of the ‘I told you so’ character is
always quite superfluous.”
In no relation of life is self-control so needed, in no relation can it
be so subservient to our higher nature.
In the aggressive part of the human family,—aggressive in these
relations,—there is great danger of allowing the lower nature to dominate
the higher. Passion, when master, overrides all other considerations,
and the selfishness, which is so dangerous a part of human nature,
sees but one thing,—the accomplishment of desire. No thought of the
possible results hinders him, and while nothing is hazarded on his part,
everything on hers—even this for the moment is forgotten; and afterward
he may well wonder how his better self was so lost to the tender
sympathetic love and consideration in which he should always hold her.
Be guarded, O husband! It is woman’s nature to forgive, and when she
loves, this impetuosity of passion uncontrolled, can be many times
forgiven. Aye, even when too frequent maternity is thrust upon her; but
there comes a time when love and forgiveness have reached their limit,
and love struggles vainly to rise above disgust and loathing, but it can
never again attain to anything but tolerance.
But the wife is not always guiltless, when this sad state of things
has resulted, in what should have been a happy married life. While
the husband is the aggressive one, yet she may, by many little
carelessnesses, and thoughtless acts, invite attentions which she
afterward repels. The womanly modesty which characterized her girlhood,
should always be preserved and observed; and this innate dignity, this
strongly asserted individuality, will tide them gloriously over many hard
places.
The custom in many English homes of each having a room, which is
peculiarly one’s own, may seem to our freedom-loving natures, a cold
custom; but is not this better when a proper self-control seems
difficult, than a freedom which degenerates into license? True, the door
between these two rooms should seldom be shut, but the fact that there
are two rooms relieves of many temptations, and prevents the familiarity,
which even in married life, breeds contempt.
There is a wise Eastern proverb which fits very beautifully here. “To
satisfy the appetite is not always good. This will the beasts do whenever
they find provender. Man alone can say to himself, thou shalt fast,
because I have willed it. Appetite thus conquered, maketh man king over
beasts; thus is he set apart from them, and so do his thoughts soar
above the earth, even unto the region of the heavens.”
Every young person should be taught before marriage, that the closest
conjugal relation should never be allowed without a _willingness_ on the
part of both that pregnancy should follow. Of course this does _not_
always follow; but allowed with the fear, the dread, the unwillingness
that it may result, it becomes a positive sin. This may seem strong meat,
which almost borders on fanaticism, to some; but we are sure when it is
considered in the light of the primal object of the marriage relation,
it will not be thought fanatical. The very fact that conception may
result at any time, proves that the conjugal relation was not instituted
primarily for the gratification of the lower nature, but for procreation.
I trust I will not be misunderstood, in my statements upon this subject,
for in writing upon so delicate a theme as this it is very difficult
to make one’s self understood by all. If all will read _carefully_ the
statement I have just made, I think they will have no great difficulty in
seeing the ground I take, and which I believe is held by all fair-minded
people, namely: That while God ordained the marriage relation primarily,
for the purpose of the perpetuity of the human race, as his first
command to the pair in Eden would indicate, “Be fruitful, and multiply,
and replenish the earth.” Yet this is to be taken with all that is
comprehended in the terms, home, husband, and wife.
Therefore when I say, that every young person should be taught before
marriage, that the closest conjugal relation should never be allowed,
without a willingness on the part of both that pregnancy should follow, I
mean simply what I hope I shall make clear throughout my book; that there
shall be no pandering to sexual indulgence, while there is unwillingness
to bear as many children, as a proper manly and womanly Christian
temperance in these things will allow.
To fix an absolute rule of practice in these things, and consider it
binding upon all, would be going out of my province, and the province
of this book. In this, each pair must be judges for themselves: but
there needs must be, behind all their thoughts upon this subject, right
conceptions upon the holy relation they have entered into.
With the above rule fixed, no other limitations, or restrictions need be
made. Everything will adjust itself to this rule, and harmony and mutual
respect will be engendered.
Fix also the fact that the marriage relation is not one of license,
but of liberty—liberty for both equally. Not liberty for one, and the
grossest bondage for the other. Nowhere does the wife’s opinion deserve
greater respect and tolerance than here. Nowhere should her negative be
so willingly accepted.
There is a higher plane of loving and living than the sexual nature
furnishes. This has, we doubt not, been proven to most married people
during those weeks and months when continence has been necessary. Then
why should this overmaster other and higher considerations?
That many marriages are little better than licensed prostitution, seems
a hard thing to say; but when the lower nature is petted and indulged
at the expense of the higher, it is a just thing to say, however harsh
it may seem. In such cases the higher nature becomes more and more
dwarfed, the animal nature more and more dominant. Let the husband learn
the sweetness of conquest, in the love he bears his wife, in the tender
consideration for her comfort and wishes.
There is a vast amount of vital force used in the production and
expenditure of the seminal fluid. Wasted as the incontinence of so many
lives allows it to be, and prostituted to the simple gratification of
fleshly desire, it weakens and depraves. Conserved as legitimate control
demands it to be, it adds so much, and more to the mental and moral force
of the man, because it lifts him to a higher plane of being, and gives to
the mental and moral the vital force otherwise wasted.
Rightly conceived and lived, the marriage relation rounds out and
completes character as nothing else can. It gives ample room for the
cultivation of all the gifts and graces, it discourages selfishness, it
mellows and softens and beautifies the individual, and gives a broader
outlook on life. Wrongly conceived and lived, its results are the
opposite. It narrows the life and takes all the sweetness out of it. And
the products of loveless marriages, what of them? How can the children of
such parents be other than disinherited from birth? Out of their lives
has gone the sweetness and tender loveliness that comes of true mating,
true living.
The world is full of dwarfed minds and bodies, dwarfed by their loveless
and unwilling conception; paranoiacs, cranks, feeble-minded, idiotic,
epileptic, diseased children, for whom their parents are in great
measure responsible. And this state of things will obtain just as long as
marriage is made a marketable thing, and not the heart union of two lives.
I am well aware that many writers do not agree with me in these stronger
sentiments, but studying the question in the light of creative purpose I
feel certain the arguments in favor of unbridled license in these things
cannot be justified.
Further, there are times when by common consent there should be no
amorous approaches made to the wife, and when none should be invited.
Study the question as I will, I can see no law or reason which
justifies the husband in approaching the wife for the purpose of sexual
gratification, at any time during pregnancy. It cannot but be a drain
upon the strength of the wife, and certainly can have no wholesome
influence upon the unborn child, and assuredly not upon the love and
respect which the wife feels for the husband.
I cannot forbear quoting an “illustrative case” entire, from Dr.
Holbrook’s book entitled, Stirpiculture: “How great is the influence on
unborn offspring of the mother’s mental condition, as well as the effect
over them of pleasant surroundings, is shown by the following case. A
young girl attracted attention by her beauty and by the superiority of
the type she exhibited over that of either of her parents, and on her
mother being spoken to on the subject she remarked: ‘In my early married
life my husband and I learned how to live in holy relations, after God’s
ordinance. My husband lovingly consented to let me live apart from him
during the time I carried this little daughter under my heart, and also
while I was nursing her. These were the happiest days of my life. Every
day before my child was born, I could have hugged myself with delight
at the prospect of becoming a mother. My husband and I were never so
tenderly, so harmoniously, or so happily related to each other, and I
never loved him more deeply than during those blessed months. I was
surrounded by all beautiful things, and one picture of a lovely face was
especially in my thought. My daughter looks more like that picture than
she does like either of us. From the time she was born she was like an
exquisite rosebud—the flower of pure, sanctified, happy love. She never
cried at night, was never fretful or nervous, but was all smiles and
winning baby ways, filling our hearts and home with perpetual gladness.
To this day, and she is now fourteen years old, I have never had the
slightest difficulty in bringing her up. She turns naturally to the
right, and I never knew her to be cross or impatient or hard to manage.
She has given me only comfort; and I realize from an experience of just
the opposite nature that the reason of all this is because my little girl
had her birthright.’”
The future experience of this lady was however of a very different
nature. She added: “A few years later I was again about to become
a mother, but with what different feelings! My husband had become
contaminated with the popular idea that even more frequent relations
were permissible during pregnancy. I was powerless against this wicked
sophistry, and was obliged to yield to his constant desires. But how
I suffered and cried; how wretched I was; how nervous and almost
despairing. Worst of all, I felt my love and trusting faith turning to
dread and repulsion.
“My little boy, on whom my husband set high hopes, was born after nine
of the most unhappy, distressing months of my life, a sickly, nervous,
fretting child—myself in miniature—and after five years of life that was
predestined by all the circumstances to be just what it was, after giving
us only anxiety and care, he died, leaving us sadder and wiser. I have
demonstrated to my own abundant satisfaction that there is but one right,
God-given way to beget and rear children, and I know that I am only one
of many who can corroborate this testimony.”
Again Dr. Holbrook says: “We have evidence among primitive people that
they understand the necessity of limiting offspring, and practice it in
a perfectly healthful way. The natives in Uganda, a region in Central
Africa, offer an illustration: ‘The women rarely have more than two
or three children; the practice being that when a woman has borne a
child she is to live apart from her husband for two years, at which age
children are weaned.’ Seaman, speaking of the Fijians, says: ‘After
childbirth, husband and wife keep apart three and even four years, so
that no other baby may interfere with the time considered necessary for
suckling children.’”
It occasionally happens that the wife during pregnancy is troubled with
a passion far beyond what she has ever experienced at any other time.
This in every instance is due to some unnatural condition, and should be
considered a disease, and for it the physician should be consulted.
The husband rightly rejoices in the name of protector of his wife, and
how quick is he to resent any slight or fancied insult which may be
offered her. Nowhere can he show more loyally his love and respect for
her, than in the tender appreciation which he shows her in the control
of her own person. Nay, more than yielding simply to her wishes, he
should be the leader in these things if necessary, and guide her into the
stronger way.
The sedentary life of many men renders them a prey to the gratification
of their lower natures. To all such men exercise becomes a religious
duty, and should be practiced most persistently until their physical
natures are well tired, and the sexual nature will not then dominate the
finer and nobler instincts of their being.
I was pained by the remark of a cultured lady, when speaking of
continence in the married life, a few days ago in my office. She said:
“Does it not seem a strange thing, doctor, that among those who seem most
careless in these things, are many ministers and other good men from whom
we should expect higher and nobler living.” I could but assent to this,
for doctors, unfortunately for their comfort, listen to many confessions
of sadness and unrighteousness in marital relations, and some of them
come from sources which the world would little dream of.
The lady added: “I have an intimate friend, a few years younger
than myself, who married a minister, and one who stands high in the
denomination of which he is a member. They have had seven children,
almost as fast as it is possible to have them, and the wife is a
broken-down woman, spiritless and unhappy, a common drudge at an age
when she should be full of life and joy, were things as they should be.
One remark shows the feeling which this state of affairs has engendered.
When I asked her why her husband allowed such a state of things to exist,
she said, ‘He doesn’t care,’ and she said it with such a dispirited and
utterly discouraged air that my heart ached for her.”
When will a brighter day dawn for woman and for man in these things? When
our young people are trained to see these great questions in the light
of God’s purposes and have strength of character sufficient to make them
conquerors over the false opinions of the world, the temptations of the
flesh, and the wiles of the devil.
Ignorance and misconception are at the bottom of all that is wrong in the
marital relation. No loving husband would for a moment allow himself to
yield to the demands of his lower nature did he consider and appreciate
rightly all that it meant to his wife, his unborn children and to the
generations to come.
There is such an incompatibility in the life of the man of high and noble
instincts, of generous nature, and lofty aspirations, in so pandering to
the lustful, so making provisions for the flesh, and at such terrible
cost to the one whom he should and does hold most dear!
Let us pray and work that a brighter day may dawn speedily, when the
marital relation shall be freed from all that is gross and sensual, and
shall be the synonym for purity, truth, and righteousness.
In the Greek, the word for man—and this is the generic term,
comprehending woman—means a being with his face turned upward. When we
are looking upward our lives will be all the time tending upward, and we
shall draw our inspiration from Him who lives above and ever leads His
children into paths of truth and purity.