On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public
telephone-booth in order to call the young lady’s house. The
etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise
perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous
because they do not know the correct procedure in using this
modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the
telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you
remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin
in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady
(referred to as “Central”) will ask for your “Number, please.”
Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove
your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece.
“Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you reply,
“NO, Central—_Bryant_ 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your
pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few
minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to
which you answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says,
“Who?” You say, “Miss Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then
hear the following, “Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody
works around here by the name of Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk
to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” Another voice then says,
“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you want?” You
reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What
department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence
of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He
says, “Wait a minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several.
Another voice—a new voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He
says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” You say, “But I’m trying to get
Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “Who?” You say, “Is this the
residence of—” He says, “Naw—this is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale
Grocers—what number do you want?” You say, “Bryant 4310.” He
says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then hang up the
receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and
inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up
the receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello,
dearie—don’t you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly,
“No.” She says, “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She
says, “No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?”
She says, “Ask him to come to the phone, will you? He lives
up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell ‘Walter’ at the third
door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him—no,
wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you comply with the
lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you
obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with
Ethel—no, Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the
booth and tell “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few
minutes “Central” says, “What number did you call?” You say
patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, “Bryant 4310 has been
changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally a
woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She
replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?”
You reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She
replies, “Yass.” You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice
says, “Who?” You shout, “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban
out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” and assuming a graceful, easy
position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone from the
wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three hours of
spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for the
evening’s visit.
[Illustration]
A Crude Bridegroom _Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting
for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of
health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible
taste._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _tells all about the correct appearance and
conduct of Bridegrooms_.
[Illustration]
A Best Man’s Blunder _The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid
of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the
acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room.
This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he
could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman_.
PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have told him how the man of birth and breeding
learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”_
[Illustration]
The Pun “De Rigueur” _The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his
sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at
home, has failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words
“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should
one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so,
which?_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _covers the whole subject of making the “best
man” pun authoritatively._
[Illustration]
The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink _The young man at the right
does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a
friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor
Dinner. Instead of doing what he should do under the circumstances, he
is making himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others
sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” Had the Bridegroom provided himself
with a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _he would have known better than to
have selected him._