_An Old Gentleman_ (_who has come out with the object of observing
Bank Holiday manners--which he has done from a respectful distance--to
his friend, as they settle down in an empty first-class compartment_).
There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the crush begins.
Now, to _me_, y'know, this has been a most interesting and gratifying
experience--wonderful spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying
itself in its own way--boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, with
marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to see--but you don't
agree with me?
_His Friend_ (_reluctantly_). Well, I must say it struck me as rather
pathetic than--
_The O.G._ (_testily_). Pathetic, Sir--nonsense! I like to see people
putting their _heart_ into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a
crowd--
[_As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden irruption
of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the compartment._
_Man by the Window_. Third-class as good as fust, these days! There's
ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole son--room for one more standin'!
[_"OLE FRED" plays himself in with a triumphal blast on a tin
trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof with his
stick, as he leans against the door._
_Ole Fred_. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one on the jaw, and
I ain't seen 'im since! (_Sings, sentimentally, at the top of a
naturally powerful voice._) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was
boys! Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each hother's--beer!"
[_A "paraprosdokian," which delights him to the point of
repetition._
_The O.G._ Might I ask you to make a little less disturbance there
Sir? [_Whimpers from over-tired children._
_Ole Fred_ (_roaring_). "I'm jolly as a Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king!
No matter what I see or 'ear, I larf at heverything! I'm the morril
of my moth-ar, (_to O.G._) the himage of _your_ Par! And heverythink I
see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'"
[_He laughs "Ar-har," after which he gives a piercing
blast upon the trumpet, with stick obbligato on the roof._
_The O.G._ (_roused_). I really _must_ beg you not to be such an
infernal nuisance! There are women and children here who--
_Old Fred_. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! (_Screams of laughter
from women and children, which encourage him to sing again._) "An'
the roof is copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my
double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (_To people on platform,
as train stops_.) _Come_ in, oh, lor, _do_! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi!
hoi-toi-oy!"
[_The rest take up the refrain--"'Ave a drink an' wet your
eye," &c., and beat time with their boots._
_The O.G._. If this abominable noise goes on, I shall call the
guard--disgraceful, coming in drunk like this!
_The Man by the Window_. 'Ere, dry up, Guv'nor--_'e_ ain't 'ad enough
to 'urt 'im, _'e_ ain't!
_Chorus of Females_ (_to O.G._). An' Bank 'Oliday, too--you orter to
be _ashimed_ o' yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you
on'y let him alone!
_Old Fred_ (_to O.G._). Ga-arn, yer pore-'arted ole choiner boy!
(_Says, dismally_), "Ow! for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the
dyes gorn boy! Ow! for the"--(_changing the melody_)--"'omeless,
I wander in lonely distress. No one ter pity me--none ter caress!"
(_Here he sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently
cheers up._) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome toight! I'm a
rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a foight." Any man 'ere
wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole Frecklefoot! (_To the O.G., who
perspires freely_.) Oh, I _am_ enj'yin' myself! [_He keeps up this
agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the remainder of the
journey, which--as the train stops everywhere, and takes quite
three-quarters of an hour in getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to
Victoria--affords a signal proof of his social resources, though it
somewhat modifies the O.G.'s enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a
Bank Holiday._
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FESTIVE FORCEPS.
(_A Dream of the Dentist's Chair._)]
* * * * *
"ON THE SQUARE."
"A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good catch,"
So lisp rosy lips that romance little reck.
Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match
Is won by "perpetual cheque."
* * * * *