_On the Platform._
A LADY OF FAMILY. Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear. I
consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.
[_Looks out for an empty third-class compartment._
_In the Carriage._--_The seats are now occupied: the LADY OF
FAMILY is in one corner, next to a CHATTY WOMAN with a basket,
and opposite to an ECCENTRIC-LOOKING MAN with a flighty
manner._
The ECCENTRIC MAN (_to the LADY OF FAMILY_). Sorry to disturb you, Mum,
but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.
The _L. of F._???!!!
The E. M. (_considerately_). Don't trouble yourself, Mum, it's of no
intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.
The CHATTY W. (_to the L. OF F._). I think I've seen you about
Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?
The L. OF F. It is very possible. I have been staying with some friends
in the neighbourhood.
The C. W. It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but
(_confidentially_) don't you think it's a very singler thing that in a
place like that--a fash'nable place, too--there shouldn't be a single
'am an' beef shop?
The L. OF F. (_making a desperate effort to throw herself into the
question_). What a very extraordinary thing to be sure. Dear, _dear_ me!
No ham and beef shop!
The C. W. It's so indeed, Mum; and what's more, as I daresay you have
noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever
so, there isn't a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment's
notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?
The L. OF F. (_faintly_). I'm afraid I can't suggest any explanation.
A SENTENTIOUS MAN. Fried fish is very sustaining.
[_Relapses into silence for remainder of journey._
The ECCENTRIC MAN. Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was kids,
my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad 'em
boiled, and they'd last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind man,
my father (_to the L. OF F., who bows constrainedly_), though you
wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't know, mind yer, that he
wasn't fond of his bit o' booze--(_the L. OF F. looks out of
window_)--like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I
am--if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (_Hands that document
round for inspection._) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (_To the L.
OF F._) Don't give it back before you've done with it--I'm in no 'urry,
and there's good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite passages
with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that's_ my name.
[_The L. OF F. peruses the will with as great a show of
interest as she can bring herself to assume._
The ECCENTRIC MAN. D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there?
That's the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went
to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. OF
F., who listens unwillingly._) It's wonderful how many of our family
have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died
cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days
when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything
at all out of the way, you'll know what it is.
[_L. OF F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage
are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from
his FIANCEE as the L. OF F. takes her seat._
The FIANCE. Excuse me one moment, Ma'am.
(_Leans across the L. OF F. and out of the window._) Well, good-bye, my
girl; take care of yourself.
The FIANCEE (_with a hysterical giggle._) Oh, I'll take care o' _my_
self.
[_Looks at the roof of the carriage._
HE (_with meaning_). No more pickled onions, eh?
SHE. What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my
love to Joe.
HE. All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last. (_They embrace
loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of
mingled sentiment and complacency._) Oh (_to L. OF F._), if you don't
mind my stepping across you again, Mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between
this and Friday, just tell him as----
[_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses; final parting
as train starts with a jerk, which throws the FINACE upon the
L. OF F.'S lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar
significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring_
_Men, who is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His
companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a
large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the
bottle to the FIANCE._