(A SKETCH FROM THE SUBURBS.)
_THE ARGUMENT.--Mr. Hotspur Porpentine, a distinguished resident in the
rising suburb of Jerrymere, has recently been awarded fourteen days'
imprisonment, without the option of a fine, for assaulting a
ticket-collector, who had offered him the indignity of requiring him to
show his season-ticket at the barrier. The scene is a Second-Class
Compartment, in which four of Mr. Porpentine's neighbours are discussing
the affair during their return from the City._
MR. COCKCROFT (_warmly_). I say, Sir--and I'm sure all here will bear me
out--that such a sentence was a scandalous abuse of justice. As a near
neighbour, and an intimate friend of Porpentine's, I don't 'esitate to
assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our esteem. He's a
quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked by some
meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling on the line
constantly for years, and leaving it at home that morning--why--_I_
don't blame him if he _did_ use his umbrella!
MR. BALCH (_sympathetically_). Nor I. Porpentine's a man I've always had
a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood. I've
always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour.
MR. FILKINS (_deferentially_). I can't claim to be as intimate with him
as some here; but, if it isn't putting myself too far forward to say so,
I very cordially beg to say ditto to those sentiments.
MR. SIBBERING (_who has never "taken to" Porpentine_). Well, he's had a
sharp lesson,--there's no denying that.
MR. COCKCR. Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he--ah--returns to
public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and a thing
he would--ah--appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if we were to
present him with some little token of our sympathy and unabated
esteem--what do you fellers think?
MR. FILK. A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow me
to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an
object.
MR. BALCH. I don't see why we shouldn't present him with an
address--'ave it illuminated, and framed and glazed; sort of thing he
could 'ang up and 'and down to his children after him as an _heirloom_,
yi-know.
[Illustration: "Well, he's had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying
that."]
MR. SIBB. I don't like to throw cold water on any proposition, but if
you want _my_ opinion, I must say I see no necessity for making a public
thing out of it in that way.
MR. COCKCR. I'm with Sibbering there. The less fuss there is about it,
the better Porpentine'll be pleased. My idea is to give him something of
daily use--a _useful_ thing, yi-know.
MR. BALCH. Useful _or_ ornamental. Why not his own portrait? There's
many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness, frame
included, for a five-pound note.
MR. SIBB. If it's to be like Porpentine, it certainly won't be
_ornamental_, whatever else it is.
MR. FILK. It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the face.
We'd better, as our friend Mr. Cockcroft here proposes, make it
something of daily use--a good serviceable silk umbrella now--that's
_always_ appropriate.
MR. SIBB. To make up for the one he broke over the collector's head,
eh?--that's _appropriate_ enough!
MR. COCKCR. No, no; you mean well, Filkins, but you must see yourself,
on reflection, that there would be a certain want of--ah--good taste in
giving him a thing like that under the circumstances. I should suggest
something like a hatstand--a handsome one, of course. I happen to know
that he has nothing in the passage at present but a row of pegs.
MR. SIBB. I should have thought he'd been taken down enough pegs
already.
MR. FILK. (_who resents the imputation upon his taste_). I can't say
what the width of Mr. Porpentine's passage may be, never having been
privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless it's
wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and if my
friend Cockcroft will excuse the remark, I see no sense--to say nothing
of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to pass an
opinion--in giving him an article he's got no room for.
MR. COCKCR. (_with warmth_). There's room enough in Porpentine's passage
for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know what I'm
speaking about. I've been in and out there often enough. I'm--ah--a
regular tame cat in that house. But if you're against the 'atstand, I
say no more--we'll waive it. How would it do if we gave him a nice
comfortable easy-chair--something he could sit in of an evening,
yi-know?
MR. SIBB. A touchy chap like Porpentine would be sure to fancy we
thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a plank
bed--you can't go and give him _furniture_!
MR. COCKCR. (_with dignity_). There's a way of doing all things. I
wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair _at_ him--he's a sensitive
feller in many respects, and he'd feel _that_, I grant you. He can't
object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like
ourselves.
MR. BALCH (_with a falling countenance_). Oh! I thought it was to be a
general affair, limited to a small sum, so that all who liked could join
in. I'd no notion you meant to keep it such a private matter as all
that.
MR. FILK. Nor I. And, knowing Mr. Porpentine so slightly as I do, he
might consider it presumption in me, making myself so prominent in the
matter--or else I'm sure----
MR. COCKCR. There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except
myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken up
some evening to Porpentine's house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and just
lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and wheel
the chair in, make him try it--and there you _are_.
MR. BALCH. There _you_ are, right enough; but I don't see where _we_
come in, exactly.
MR. FILLK. If it's to be confined to just us four, I certingly think we
ought _all_ to be present at the presentation.
MR. COCKCR. That would be just the very thing to put a man like
Porpentine out--a crowd dropping in on him like that! I know his ways,
and, seeing I'm providing the chair----
MR. BALCH (_relieved_). _You_ are? That's different, of course; but I
thought you said that we four----
MR. COCKCR. I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a particular
friend of Porpentine's, it's only right and fair I should bear the chief
burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants re-covering
to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to pay for 'aving
it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll call it quits.
MR. BALCH. I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself in for;
and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up a chair as
would furnish a room.
MR. FILK. I--I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as,
comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain
limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum, I
really-----
MR. SIBB. (_unmasking_). After all, you know, I don't see why we should
go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like Porpentine.
It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us Jerrymere folks, and
considers himself above the lot of us!
MR. BALCH and MR. FILK. I'm bound to say there's a good deal in what
Sibbering says. Porpentine's never shown himself what _I_ should call
sociable.
MR. COCKCR. I've never found him anything but pleasant myself, whatever
he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an _exclusive_ man, and a
_fastidious_ man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and _I_ should have
thought this was an occasion--if ever there was one--for putting any
private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect and
sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies of this
sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing myself,
_I've_ no objection. I daresay he'll value it all the more coming from
me.
MR. SIBB. Well, he _ought_ to, after the shameful way he's spoken of you
to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You mayn't know,
and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that he complained
bitterly of having to change his regular train on your account, and said
(I'm only repeating his words, mind you), that Jerrymere was entirely
populated by bores, but you were the worst of the lot, and your jabber
twice a day was more than he _could_ stand. He mayn't have _meant_
anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled for.
MR. COCKCR. (_reddening_). I 'ope I'm above being affected by the
opinion any man may express of my conversation--especially a
cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A
feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's
'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere
society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be troubled with
much of it in future--_I_ can assure him! Upon my word, now I come to
think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called upon for an explanation
of how he came to be travelling without a ticket; it looks very much to
me as if he'd been systematically defrauding the Company!
MR. FILK. Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been _my_
view all along!
MR. BALCH. And mine.
MR. SIBB. Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you to
give him the arm-chair.
MR. COCKCR. I give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the 'ole
of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever it was that
first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm not going to
'ave _my_ name associated with it, and if you'll take _my_ advice,
you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making yourselves
ridiculous!
[_His companions, observing that he is in a somewhat excited
condition, consider it advisable to change the subject._
[Illustration]