BY MAC A'RONY.
Days are but the pulse-beats of immortal time.--_Sparks from Iron
Shoes--Mac A'Rony._
It was the twenty-tooth of April. The inclement weather, which had
rained supreme for forty hours, suddenly abdicated in favor of the
presumptive sun and genial air apparent which ruled gloriously for
some six hundred and nine minutes. Save that it lacked the odor of
new-mown hay, it was a day fashioned after a donkey's own heart.
However, a yard of fresh grass painted green would have satisfied
my taste better than did the golden sun rays and the transparent
air.
At ten o'clock Pye Pod, D. D. (donkey driver), sauntered off to do
an errand, and then hastened to the stables to saddle and pack his
two noble and fractious partners, Cheese and myself. I believe my
erudite collaborator has already introduced to you my long-eared
comrade.
Such a load as we were to carry! Of course, I got the worst of the
bargain in which I had no voice. Said my master, as he rubbed my
nose, "Mac, old boy, since you have become hardened to the trip by
reason of your thirteen hundred mile creep (I nabbed at him
vexedly), I'll just let you shoulder the two boxes." And, with
nerve incarnate, the unbalanced Professor balanced on my back what
seemed to me two one-ton cases of pig-iron. I believed my time had
come. Even the unsophisticated Cheese, whispered to me nervously,
"Our coffins, Mac, sure as Balaam!" and resumed the mastication of
timothy hay, as if it were his last meal.
The pack-saddles were tightly cinched to us. Every time Pod pulled
on the ropes under my belly I grunted as if in pain, although it
only tickled me, and gnawed a half inch off the oaken manger in
seeming agony; so, while he imagined he was squeezing all the
breath out of me, I had still enough left to inflate a balloon.
That's how I fooled Pod. All this time he was talking to himself.
He vowed that he would get even with a certain officious
policeman, who had daily gloried in the exercise of his authority,
by ordering him to lead his "confounded jackass" away from the
front portal of the hotel, where crowds of curious people always
gathered around us and blocked the way. His soliloquy grew louder
and more fiery every moment. Even Cheese lifted his snoot out of
the haymow and, tilting his left ear, whispered, "Say, Mac, our
master must have some unholy motive in mind. Hold on to your wind.
Don't let him lace those lockers on you, as a squaw would bind a
pappoose to her back, for you may want to kick 'em off. Pod's
daft."
Well, that suspicious jack's most grotesque foreboding was soon
realized. Everything went well until we were nearly opposite the
great double portal of the hotel, when, suddenly, I felt the
saddle slipping round my girth. Another second and I was flat on
my back, jerked high off my feet on top of the boxes. For a moment
I could not realize the undignified posture I was in. Being roped
securely to the boxes, all I could do was to kick at the flying
sparrows, and bray as only a frightened donkey can.
Crowds quickly assembled. Excitement ran high. Cheese, instead of
raising a hoof in my defense, dropped his ears and looked
complacently on my animated heap like a country gawk. The hotel
guests rushed out bare-headed, some of them fresh from the cafe
with tripe and ice cream in hand, and wild-eyed pedestrians
flocked to the scene of my troubles. Don barked excitedly and kept
the throng back. The coolest one of the outfit was Pod. He stood
quietly by, grinning and bowing to the open-air audience, as if he
were the bandmaster and I the band.
I now recollected Cheese's advice, and chided myself for having
expanded my lungs at the packing. The thought was vexing to one in
my position. Immediate relief looked hopeless. Scared half to
death, I brayed myself hoarse before a would-be liberator wedged
through the crowd and order Pod to clear the thoroughfare. He was
that pompous policeman. He eyed Pod severely, and glancing at my
up-turned face, inquired:
"What's in them there boxes, Mister?"
"Pills," said Pod, "just pills," and with his usual suavity added,
"A very dainty but effective cathartic, the best remedy in the
world for a morbid patrolman. I know you feel out of sorts, Mr.
Cop, but the contents of one of these boxes taken internally will
make you imagine you are not only the chief of the Chicago police
but the Mayor of the city and the President of the United States
combined."
The Professor then handed the man a small box, and proceeded to
free me. And, do you know, I choked Michigan Boulevard for an hour
before I was got "right side up with care."
We next moved on to the Columbus Statue, which then stood in a
barren spot between the road and the lake shore, where a
photographer waited to take some rare views of our outfit. The
bombastic policeman ordered us off the grass, although there was
nothing but gravel in sight. Cheese was raving mad and so annoyed
by the cop's impertinence that he boldly made a bluff at eating
the sculptured stone wreath off the statue, just to worry him.
"Mac A'Rony, please keep your ears still for one moment, will
you?" said the photographer, as he took hold of my flaps and
pushed them forward, adding, "Now keep them there."
As he let go they flew back into a natural position like blades of
whalebone. Next he twisted my nose almost out of shape, and
addressed me as if I were a lady. "Now, smile gently--there!" Such
a grin as I gave! The instant he removed the black cloth from the
camera, a familiar lump came up in my throat, and I brayed. My
efforts to restrain myself joggled my ears out of gear and
completely shook the smile off my face. But I was "took," body and
bra'in's, with the whole outfit.
How I shudder, when I gaze upon those photographs; my drooping
eyes, and my lazy body--all taken together made a picture so
perfectly asinine that one can almost detect the bray leaving my
mouth. I have always been ashamed of that picture of real life.
Like all donkeys, I was disappointed because my photo did not
flatter me. Besides, my master's eagerness to keep his contract to
advertise a patent medicine led him to drape Don in a gray
blanket, on which, "Throw physic to the dogs," was brilliantly
embroidered--words which helped make Shakespeare immortal, but
caused Don to blush.
It was a long jaunt to Illinois street. Several times my burden
threatened to come off. And once I almost made a free distribution
of pills by falling in front of an electric car, which was brought
to a stand only six inches from me.
I caused a sensation, to say the least. And when Cheese brayed in
terror, a multitude flocked to the scene. The passengers were
thrown out of their seats, some of them pitched off the front
platform on the top of me, and screamed with fright.
Pod, of course, flew into a rage. He accused me of attempting
suicide; but Cheese loyally defended me and said, "Such a load of
medicine is enough to prostrate a herd of elephants."
Soon afterward, on turning a corner, the wind blew Pod's hat off,
and it went flying under the wheels of a cable car which
completely ironed the curl out of the hat rim on one side, and
gathered a crowd on the other.
"Managing one jackass is a difficult job, but controlling two is
impossible," I heard Pod mutter, as he slapped his plug on his
bald pate.
Although it was only five miles to Garfield Park as the crow
flies, it was ten by the course we took. At that place we were not
overfed, and soon after leaving we encountered an electric hail
storm. Volley after volley of round shot ripped open Pod's
ill-fated tile, and his spleen broke loose again. "I'm glad this day's
most ended!" he thundered. His remark seemed to solicit sympathy,
so I answered gravely, "My worthy master, remember that days are
but the pulse-beats of immortal time. You should cherish each as
you do every heart throb." My philosophic words silenced him for a
moment. Then, as if I might warp the wearisome hour by a mute
tongue, I lay back my tail and ears till they were parallel with
the road, and landed my cargo in Oak Park before six.
There was no hotel in sight, but as it was not yet dark, Pod was
enabled to find a barn, adjoining a saloon, and there he stalled
us, fed and watered us, and said good night.