The whole duty of man is to be a mother.--_Jerome K. Jerome._
One week of gamboling in sporty, wide-awake Chicago, and of
high-life on the top floor of the Auditorium, put me in fine
fettle to resume travel. My second morning at the popular hotel I
indited this note to an Eastern friend; "Breakfasted to-day on the
roof, got a shine in the cellar, and met everybody half way."
For nearly five months, through severe winter and early spring
weather, I had hustled as I never had before to make ends meet;
now I had swum the Hellespont to a prosperous shore, the remainder
of my long, slow journey looked more enticing. Several valuable
and useful articles were presented to me by wealthy admirers in
the Windy City, who also dined me, took me to the theatre and
entertained me in other ways.
One evening I was pleasantly surprised to be escorted to a
champagne dinner given by my friend Williams, of the Union News
Company of New York, to several prominent business men of the
West. When the sumptuous repast was well under way he unpinned
from the lapel of my coat a button containing a photo of Pod
seated on Mac, and paid me a five dollar bill for it; and,
learning I had a stock of buttons in pocket, the other guests
followed suit. Such wholesale generosity was as overwhelming as my
gratitude.
The man with whom I contracted to advertise gave me a donkey,
which I named Cheese, to go with Mac A'Rony. And so delighted was
Mac with this new comrade to share his burdens that, on my
approval, he agreed henceforth to contribute to the papers every
other letter on our travels to the coast, and so enable me to
devote more time to bread-winning.
Easter morning I found a blue hen's egg at my plate. I was pleased
with the remembrance and had the clerk place it in my letter-box.
When I called at noon for my mail, I was told the egg had visited
most all of the letter boxes, each guest in turn having disclaimed
it; so, when at six o'clock I called for the egg to take it to my
room for safe keeping, and was handed instead a parcel that
smelled of chicken, I was not surprised; however, upon opening it,
I could not conceal my astonishment.
"Mr. Pod," said the clerk, gravely, "the egg was handled so much
that it naturally hatched. Certainly you are not surprised?"
"Not surprised that it hatched," I returned, to be reasonable,
"but this is fried chicken, and the egg was boiled."
My Easter dinner with friends on Champlain avenue made me realize
somewhat the stupor a boa-constrictor experiences after having
swallowed an ox. My friend Bob B---- urged me to make his home my
transitory abode, arguing that perhaps while at the hotel I was
cheated of needed rest by yielding too much to entertainment by
well-meaning acquaintances. He gave me a key to the house, showed
me my room, and told me to drop in any time, day or night, and
make myself at home.
Having promised to call on an elderly gentleman who had been very
kind to me, I spent that evening with his family. Before leaving I
had made great friends with his little granddaughter, and promised
to call again and bring her some candy. "I want circus candy, the
kind with rings around it," she explained, drawing imaginary
circles round her finger.
When I reached my hotel the clerk said several gentlemen were
waiting to see me. I was sleepy; besides, I felt I had caught cold
and should doctor it at once. Explaining to the clerk that I was
indisposed and begged to be excused to my callers, I slipped out
of the door and hurried to a drug store. "A good drink of calisaya
will fix you," said the drug clerk, who explained it was well
charged with quinine, but failed to mention it was also well
charged with alcohol. I drank two glasses of it, then boarded a
car for Champlain avenue.
Before reaching my destination I fell asleep. But the conductor
was thoughtful enough to awaken me and assist me to alight. I was
so dizzy from sleepiness, I couldn't walk straight. I soon got my
bearings, though, and reached Bob's house by experiencing
sensations of treading a moving sidewalk, promenading a steamer
deck in a high sea, and circumnavigating a crystal maze.
I found the door-knob but not the key-hole. We had been having
damp weather, and I reasoned that perhaps the key-hole had shrunk
shut. I searched my pockets for matches, and found enough wooden
toothpicks to kindle my wrath. While I was fuming, a policeman
came to my relief.
"Who be you, young feller?" he interrogated.
"Pyth (hic) thagoras Pod," I answered, civilly; and offering him
the key, added, "Won't you open the (hic) door for me?"
"You don't live here, then," said the cop.
"I know (hic) it," I admitted. "Just visiting friends."
"Are you sure you know where you are at?" he queried, sternly.
[Illustration: "_He accused me of attempting suicide._"]
[Illustration: "_We made slow headway to the Mississippi._"]
"No (hic), I'm not sure," I said feebly, "but I think I'm on
Champlain avenue."
"More like champagne," he returned, sourly. "What's the number of
the house?"
"I forget it," I answered, "I know the house (hic), though, when I
see it."
"I think you came here for business," said the officer. "You
better come with me." And he locked his arm in mine.
"Let me ring (hic) up the folks," I pleaded. "They'll identify
me." The cop stopped, hesitated, and, doubtlessly deeming prudence
the better part of valor, "let." When I took my thumb off the
electric button the household must have thought Chicago burning
again. I heard Bob tumble half way down stairs; and, when he
opened the door and identified me and saw me stagger in, he took
another tumble. The third was taken by the disappointed cop, who
hurried off to his proper beat.
Conscious of my inebriated condition, I was much embarrassed that
my friend should find me in such a state at that late hour. He
asked me no questions, and I told him no lies. When he had assisted
me to bed, he turned out the gas, which likely I should have blown
out, and left me to prayerful meditation. My late propensity to
sleep had vanished. My brain was a whirling wilderness. The more I
thought about that temperance drink of calisaya, the less respect I
had for the principles of prohibition. I scored temperance
societies, darned Salvation Armies, and cursed the birth of
Matthews, who invented the soda fountain. Before long I was in a
sweat. The red beverage was evidently breaking up my cold, but that
wasn't all. It broke me up; it had broken the slumbers of my host;
I was sure it had broken up my good reputation for sobriety.
I was too nervous to sleep. Thinks I, "A hot bath will just fix
me. I'll get up and take one."
I rose and hunted for matches, but couldn't find any. Piece by
piece, I scraped several ornaments off the mantel to the floor,
one bronze Mozart statuette doing some effective work on my big
toe that I had intended a chiropodist to do. Next I fell over a
center-table, and upset a glass vase on the floor, which broke its
neck; then I tumbled over a rocker and wondered that I didn't
break mine. Still bent upon reaching the bath room, I bent my nose
against an opened closet door. I was mad. At last, finding the
exit of my chamber, I groped my way into the hall, then hesitated.
I thought I remembered the location of the bath room; I was under
the impression my bedroom was on the third floor. In reaching for
the balusters, I almost lost my balance. My head still whirling
like a dancing Dervish. Slowly and dizzily I felt my way down
stairs until I came to a door--the bath room door, I supposed. I
opened it gently, groped my way in, and put my bare foot on a
napkin-ring, which proceeded to roll away, landing me flat on the
floor. Then the folding door swung to with a bang. I feared my
friends would think burglars were in the house.
But I found the tub all right. I turned the faucets, and was
pleased to have both run cold water, for I burned as with a fever.
But, when I started to climb into the tub, I found I had either
grown shorter in stature, or the tub had been raised. Perhaps it
was managed by automatic machinery. I knew nothing about
machinery; so with great effort I climbed up and into the tub, but
found greater difficulty to get all of me in it. I reasoned that
the dimensions of the contracted bath-tub must be all right, but
the expansions of my head were wrong; I was intoxicated by a
temperance drink, and had heard that it was the worst kind to get
tipsy on. I made another heroic effort to jam my body into the
tub, but some of me would always lap over the edges. I reasoned
that, if I were sober, there would surely be room for three to
swim comfortably about that bathtub. Cold water ran from the
faucets for some time and I was considerably cooled off, when,
suddenly, one faucet began to run hot water. Instead of turning
off the water, in my excitement I tried to climb out of the tub,
but was wedged so tightly in it a hasty escape was impracticable,
and before I fell out on the floor my left leg was scalded. There
were no pillows where I dropped, so the next moment the door swung
open and the gleam of a lighted match shone in my face. I saw my
host, with countenance as white as his nightshirt, suddenly assume
a rosy hue, then I heard him giggle. I was glad he saw some humor
in it, for I failed to. In one hand he held an old army musket,
and I told him not to shoot. Sitting on the floor, I now saw
plainly that it was the butler's pantry and not the bath room, and
that I had taken a bath in the sink.
Bob, on gaining my room, put some salve on my scald, and wound my
limb with the first handkerchief he came across, and I was soon
fast asleep.
Next morning I remembered my promise to buy some candy for my
little friend and visited a confectioner. It was a big store, and
three salesladies tried to wait upon me.
"I wish the spiral-striped peppermint, kind of circus candy," I
explained. "It's for a little tot I am fond of."
"I understand," said the girl, "but we haven't it,--but wait a
minute."
Before I realized what she meant, she had dashed out the door,
presumably to the store two doors away. I was sorry she took such
trouble to please a poor patron. Soon she reappeared with a
crystal jar of the long stick candy I desired, and dumping a pound
of it on the scales, inquired, "How much do you wish?"
"Oh, one stick will do," I said. "She's a delicate child; I don't
want to make her sick."
The girl almost dropped the jar. Then recovering her mental
equilibrium, she asked, while refilling the jar from the scales:
"Will you take it with you, or have it sent?"
I blinked. "Take it with me, I guess," was my reply. As she
wrapped the stick of candy, I reached in my pocket for the penny.
Then I felt weak; I hadn't a cent.
"I-I-I-I declare!" I exclaimed. "I left all my money with the
hotel clerk; I'll be back directly."
And out I rushed into the street where there was more air. By the
time I got to the hotel and back I was willing to buy five pounds
of candy. I no sooner entered the store than the girl, with a
smothered smile, said, "We sent the candy to the hotel." Now I was
embarrassed. "What hotel?" I inquired.
"Why, the Auditorium!" she giggled. "You're Mr. Pye Pod, aren't
you? The proprietor said so, and appreciating your immense
purchase, desired to spare you all the inconvenience possible."
I heard laughter in the office as I closed the door behind me. I
dreaded to face the hotel clerk. As I strolled up street, I
thought what a poor mother I would make even to one little child,
and tried to fancy the awful strain on Washington to be such a
good father to his whole country.
There was one thing that worried me generally when my meals were
over; my hat. I feared I should lose it. The hat boy, clever as he
was, by mistake might give it to another. Always when he handed it
to me I stopped to examine it carefully, to make sure it wasn't
one of the stylish tiles which had presumed to associate with it
on the rack. It was customary for me to question the custodian of
hats in this manner: "Is this my hat?" "Are you sure it is?"
When, Tuesday evening, my odd-looking stove-pipe was handed me, I
examined it incredulously, eyed the colored man, then stepping in
front of a natty-groomed gentleman of fifty, who had just received
his latest Dunlap from the custodian, I scrutinized his hat
inquisitively, then my own, and eyed him inquiringly, as much as
to say, "Are you sure our hats have not become exchanged?" The
dignified guest did not take kindly to my manner. He frowned, even
looked savage. The darkey seemed to think it funny, and laughed in
his hand, with back turned. I accompanied the old gentleman down
in the elevator, to the office, where we picked our teeth.
Then I addressed the clerk in injured tones: "I have a complaint
to make."
"Let's have it," said the genial Harry.
"That black, blue-brown hat custodian at the dining room is
forever getting my tile mixed with those of other guests. I hate
to make a fuss, but----"
"You are quite right, Mr. Pod," said the clerk, seriously, "A
first-class hotel should not tolerate such inefficiency in a
trusted employee. I'll discharge the fellow at once."
I stepped away, contented, and lighted my cigar.
Then the stately gentleman addressed the clerk: "Who in ---- is
that fellow? He's off his trolley! He thought this hat of mine was
his, and that rusty antediluvian, dilapidated specimen he wears
was mine. What's his name?"
"Why, Professor Pythagoras Pod, of course. Didn't you recognize
him? Everybody knows him. He knows his hat, too, and don't you
forget it. Offer him fifty dollars for his old tile, and see how
quickly he'll refuse it." The outraged dignitary shrank into his
clothes, and, with a wry glance in my direction, walked away. The
custodian of hats kept his job, but I never saw the stylish
gentleman again.
PART TWO.
By PYE POD AND MAC A'RONY.
"Do you believe the whale swallowed Jonah?"
"No."
"And don't you believe Balaam's ass spoke to him?"
"Yes; I believe that."
"Why?"
"Because so many asses speak to me every day."