THE INVOLUNTARY FASCINATOR
Please do not pester me with unwelcome attentions,
Since to respond I have no intentions!
Your Charms are deserving of honourable mentions--
But previous attachment compels these abstentions!
"AN UNWILLING WOOED TO HIS WOOER."
_Original unpublished Poem by H. B. J._
Mr Bhosh was very soon enabled to make his _debut_ as a pleader, for the
_Mooktears_ sent him briefs as thick as an Autumn leaf in Vallambrosa,
and, having on one occasion to prosecute a youth who had embezzled an
elderly matron, Mr Bhosh's eloquence and pathos melted the jury into a
flood of tears which procured the triumphant acquittal of the prisoner.
But the bow of Achilles (which, as Poet Homer informs us, was his only
vulnerable point) must be untied occasionally, and accordingly Mr Bhosh
occasionally figured as the gay dog in upper-class societies, and was
not long in winning a reputation in smart circles as a champion bounder.
For he did greet those he met with a pleasant, obsequious affability and
familiarity, which easily endeared him to all hearts. In his appearance
he would--but for a somewhat mediocre stature and tendency to a
precocious obesity--have strikingly resembled the well-known statuary of
the Apollo Bellevue, and he was in consequence inordinately admired by
aristocratic feminines, who were enthralled by the fluency of his small
talk, and competed desperately for the honour of his company at their
"Afternoon-At-Home-Teas."
It was at one of these exclusive festivities that he first met the
Duchess Dickinson, and (as we shall see hereafter) that meeting took
place in an evil-ominous hour for our hero. As it happened, the
honourable highborn hostess proposed a certain cardgame known as "Penny
Napkin," and fate decreed that Mr Bhosh should sit contiguous to the
Duchess's Grace, who by lucky speculations was the winner of
incalculable riches.
But, hoity toity! what were his dismay and horror, when he detected that
by her legerdemain in double-dealing she habitually contrived to assign
herself five pictured cards of leading importance!
How to act in such an unprecedented dilemma? As a chivalrous, it was
repugnant to him to accuse a Duchess of sharping at cards, and yet at
the same time he could not stake his fortune against such a foregone
conclusion!
So he very tactfully contrived by engaging the Duchess's attention to
substitute his card-hand for hers, and thus effect the exchange which is
no robbery, and she, finally observing his _finesse_, and struck by the
delicacy with which he had so unostentatiously rebuked her duplicity,
earnestly desired his further acquaintance.
For a time Mr Bhosh, doubtless obeying one of those supernatural and
presentimental monitions which were undreamt of in the Horatian
philosophy, resisted all her advances--but alas! the hour arrived in
which he became as Simpson with Delilah.
It was at the very summit of the Season, during a brilliantly
fashionable ball at the Ladbroke Hall, Archer Street, Bayswater, whither
all the _elites_ of tip-top London Society had congregated.
Mr Bhosh was present, but standing apart, overcome with bashfulness at
the paucity of upper feminine apparel and designing to take his
premature hook, when the beauteous Duchess in passing surreptitiously
flung over him a dainty nose-handkerchief deliciously perfumed with
extract of cherry blossoms.
With native penetration into feminine coquetries he interpreted this as
an intimation that she desired to dance with him, and, though not
proficient in such exercises, he made one or two revolutions round the
room with her co-operation, after which they retired to an alcove and
ate raspberry ices and drank lemonade. Mr Bhosh's sparkling
tittle-tattle completely achieved the Duchess's conquest, for he
possessed that magical gift of the gab which inspired the tender passion
without any connivance on his own part.
And, although the Duchess was no longer the chicken, having attained her
thirtieth lustre, she was splendidly well preserved; with huge flashing
eyes like searchlights in a face resembling the full moon; of tall
stature and proportionate plumpness; most young men would have been
puffed out by pride at obtaining such a tip-top admirer.
Not so our hero, whose manly heart was totally monopolised by the image
of the fair unknown whom he had rescued at Cambridge from the savage
clutches of a horned cow, and although, after receiving from the Duchess
a musk-scented postal card, requesting his company on a certain evening,
he decided to keep the appointed tryst, it was only against his will and
after heaving many sighs.
On reaching the Duchess's palace, which was situated in Pembridge
Square, Bayswater, he had the mortification to perceive that he was by
no means the only guest, since the reception halls were thickly
populated by gilded worldlings. But the Duchess advanced to greet him in
a very kind, effusive manner, and, intimating that it was impossible to
converse with comfort in such a crowd, she led him to a small side-room,
where she seated him on a couch by her side and invited him to
discourse.
Mr Bhosh discoursed accordingly, paying her several high-flown
compliments by which she appeared immoderately pleased, and discoursed
in her turn of instinctive sympathies, until our hero was wriggling like
an eel with embarrassment at what she was to say next, and at this point
Duke Dickinson suddenly entered and reminded his spouse in rather abrupt
fashion that she was neglecting her remaining guests.
After the Duchess's departure, Mr Bhosh, with the feelings of an innate
gentleman, felt constrained to make his sincere apologies to his ducal
entertainer for having so engrossed his better half, frankly explaining
that she had exhibited such a marked preference for his society that he
had been deprived of all option in the matter, further assuring his
dukeship that he by no means reciprocated the lady's sentiments, and
delicately recommending that he was to keep a rather more lynxlike eye
in future upon her proceedings.
To which the Duke, greatly agitated, replied that he was unspeakably
obliged for the caution, and requested Mr Bhosh to depart at once and
remain an absentee for the future. Which our friend cheerfully undertook
to perform, and, in taking leave of the Duchess, exhorted her, with an
eloquence that moved all present, to abandon her frivolities and
levities and adopt a deportment more becoming to her matronly exterior.
The reader would naturally imagine that she would have been grateful for
so friendly and well-meant a hint--but oh, dear! it was quite the
reverse, for from a loving friend she was transformed into a bitter and
most unscrupulous enemy, as we shall find in forthcoming chapters.
Truly it is not possible to fathom the perversities of the feminine
disposition!