HOW MR BHOSH DELIVERED A DAMSEL FROM A DEMENTED COW
O Cow! in hours of mental ease
Thou chewest cuds beneath the trees;
But ah! when madness racks thy brow,
An awkward customer art thou!
_Nature Poem furnished (to order) by young English Friend._
Mr Bhosh's diligence at his books was rewarded by getting through his
Little-go with such _eclat_ that he was admitted to become a
baccalaureate, and further presented with the greatest distinction the
Vice-Chancellor could bestow upon him, viz., the title of a Wooden
Spoon!
But here I must not omit to narrate a somewhat startling catastrophe in
which Mr Bhosh figured as the god out of machinery. It was on an
afternoon before he went up to pass his Little-go exam, and, since all
work and no play is apt to render any Jack a dull, he was recreating
himself by a solitary promenade in some fields in the vicinity of
Cambridge, when suddenly his startled ears were dumbfounded to perceive
the blood-curdling sound of loud female vociferations!
On looking up from his reverie, he was horrified by the spectacle of a
young and beauteous maiden being vehemently pursued by an irate cow,
whose reasoning faculties were too obviously, in the words of Ophelia,
"like sweet bells bangled," or, in other words, _non compos mentis_, and
having rats in her upper story!
The young lady, possessing the start and also the advantage of superior
juvenility, had the precedence of the cow by several yards, and attained
the umbrageous shelter of a tree stem, behind which she tremulously
awaited the arrival of her blood-thirsty antagonist.
As he noted her jewel-like eyes, profuse hair, and panting bosom, Mr
Bhosh's triangle of flesh[1] was instantaneously ignited by love at
first sight (the intelligent reader will please understand that the
foregoing refers to the maiden and not at all to the cow, which was of
no excessive pulchritude--but I am not to be responsible for the
ambiguities of the English language).
[1] _Videlicet_: his heart.
There was not a moment to be squandered; Mr Bhosh had just time to
recommend her earnestly to remain _in statu quo_, before setting off to
run _ventre a terre_ in the direction whence he had come. The distracted
animal, abandoning the female in distress, immediately commenced to
hue-and-cry after our hero, who was compelled to cast behind him his
collegiate cap, like tub to a whale.
The savage cow ruthlessly impaled the cap on one of its horns, and then
resumed the chase.
Mr Bhosh scampered for his full value, but, with all his incredible
activity, he had the misery of feeling his alternate heels scorched by
the fiery snorts of the maniacal quadruped.
Then he stripped from his shoulders his student's robe, relinquishing it
to the tender mercies of his ruthless persecutress while he nimbly
surmounted a gate. The cow only delayed sufficiently to rend the garment
into innumerable fragments, after which it cleared the gate with a
single hop, and renewed the chase after Mr Bhosh's stern, till he was
forced to discard his ivory-headed umbrella to the animal's destroying
fury.
This enabled him to gain the walls of the town and reach the bazaar,
where the whole population was in consternation at witnessing such a
shuddering race for life, and made themselves conspicuous by their
absence in back streets.
Mr Bhosh, however, ran on undauntedly, until, perceiving that the
delirious creature was irrevocably bent on running him to earth, he took
the flying leap into the shop of a cheese merchant, where he cleverly
entrenched himself behind the receipt of custom.
With the headlong impetuosity of a distraught the cow followed, and
charged the barrier with such insensate fury that her horns and
appertaining head were inextricably imbedded in a large tub of margarine
butter.
At this our hero, judging that the wings of his formidable foe were at
last clipped, sallied boldly forth, and, summoning a police-officer,
gave the animal into custody as a disturber of the peace.
By such coolness and _savoir faire_ in a distressing emergency he
acquired great _kudos_ in the eyes of all his fellow-students, who
regarded him as the conquering hero.
Alas and alack! when he repaired to the field to receive the thanks and
praises of the maiden he had so fortunately delivered, he had the
mortification to discover that she had vanished, and left not a wreck
behind her! Nor with all his endeavours could he so much as learn
her name, condition, or whereabouts, but the remembrance of her manifold
charms rendered him moonstruck with the tender passion, and
notwithstanding his success in flooring the most difficult exams, his
bosom's lord sat tightly on its throne, and was not to jump until he
should again (if ever) confront his mysterious fascinator.
[Illustration: GAVE THE ANIMAL INTO CUSTODY AS A DISTURBER OF THE
PEACE (Illustration II)]
Having emerged from the shell of his _statu pupillari_ under the
fostering warmth of his Alma Mater, Mr Bhosh next proceeded as a
full-fledged B.A. to the Metropolis, and became a candidate for forensic
honours at one of the legal temples, lodging under the elegant roof of a
matron who regarded him as her beloved son for Rs. 21 per week, and
attending lectures with such assiduity that he soon acquired a nodding
acquaintance with every branch of jurisprudence.
And when he went up for Bar Exam., he displayed his phenomenal
proficiency to such an extent that the Lord Chancellor begged him to
accept one of the best seats on the Judges' bench, an honour which, to
the best of this deponent's knowledge and belief, has seldom before been
offered to a raw tyro, and never, certainly, to a young Indian student.
However, with rare modesty Mr Bhosh declined the offer, not considering
himself sufficiently ripe as yet to lay down laws, and also desirous of
gathering roses while he might, and mixing himself in first-class
English societies.
I am painfully aware that such incidents as the above will seem very
mediocre and humdrum to most readers, but I shall request them to
remember that no hero can achieve anything very striking while he is
still a hobbardehoy, and that I cannot--like some popular
novelists--insult their intelligences by concocting cock-and-bull
occurrences which the smallest exercise of ordinary commonsense must
show to be totally incredible.
By and bye, when I come to deal with Mr Bhosh's experiences in the upper
tenth of London society, with which I may claim to have rather a
profound familiarity, I will boldly undertake that there shall be no
lack of excitement.
Therefore, have a little patience, indulgent Misters!