XIV

I lay and wondered and wondered what were Alathea's emotions after I

left her. Should I ever know? When the hour was up I went back into the

sitting-room. I had struggled against the awful depression which was

overcoming me. I suppose every man has committed some action he is sorry

and ashamed of, forced thereto by some emotion, either of anger or

desire, which has been too strong for his will to control--. This is the

way murders must often have been committed, and other crimes--I had not

the slightest intention of behaving like a cad--or of doing anything

which I knew would probably part us forever.--If my insult had been

deliberate or planned, I would have held her longer, and knowing I was

going to lose her by my action, I would have profited by it. As I lay on

my bed in great pain from the wrench in getting there alone--I tried to

analyse things. The nervous excitement in which she always plunges me

must have come to the culminating point. The only thing I was glad about

was that I had not attempted to ask forgiveness, or to palliate my

conduct. If I had done so she would undoubtedly have walked straight out

of the hotel--but having just had the sense to leave her to think for a

while--perhaps--?

Well--I was sitting in my chair--feeling some kind of numb

anguish--which I suppose those going to be hanged experience, when

Burton brought in my tea--and I heard no sound of clicking next door--I

asked him as naturally as I could if Miss Sharp had gone--.

"Yes, Sir Nicholas," he answered, and the shock, even though it was

expected, was so great that for a second I closed my eye.

She had left a note, he further added,--putting the envelope down on the

table beside the tray--.

I made myself light a cigarette and not open it, and I made myself say

casually--

"I am afraid she feels her brother's death dreadfully, Burton!"

"The poor young lady, Sir Nicholas!--She must have kept up brave like

all the time this morning, and then after lunch when I come in--while

you were resting, Sir--it got too much for her, I expect, sittin'

alone--for she was sobbin' like to break her heart--as I opened the

door. She looked that forlorn and huddled up--give you my word, Sir

Nicholas--I was near blubberin' myself."

"I am so awfully sorry--What did you do, Burton?"

"I said, '--Let me bring you a nice cup of tea, Miss.'--It is always

best to bring ladies tea when they are upset, Sir Nicholas, as you may

know--She thanked me sweet like, as she always does--and I made so bold

as to say how sorry I was, and I did hope she had not had any extra

trouble to deal with over it; and how I'd be so glad to advance her her

next week's salary if it would be any convenience to her--knowing

funerals and doctors is expensive--Out of my own money of course I gave

her to understand--because I knew she'd be bound to refuse yours, Sir

Nicholas.

"--At that her tears burst out afresh--She had no glasses on, and she

looked no more than sixteen years old, give you my word Sir--She thanked

me like as if it was something real kind I'd thought of--I felt sort of

ashamed I could not do more--

"Then she seemed to be having a struggle with herself--just as if she'd

rather die than take anything from anybody--and yet knew she had to--She

turned them, blue eyes on me streamin' with tears, and I had to turn

away, Sir Nicholas--I had really.--

"'Burton,' she says--. 'Have you ever felt that you wanted to be dead

and done with it all--that you couldn't fight any more?'

--"'I can't say as I have, Miss,' I answered her--'but I know my master

feels that way often--' Perhaps she felt kinder, sorry for you too, Sir

Nicholas, because as I said that, she gave a sort of extra sharp sob and

buried her face in her hands--.

"I slipped out of the room then and brought the tea as quick as I could

you may believe me Sir--and by that time she had pulled herself

together--'It is stupid to have any proud feelings--if you have to work

Burton' she said--'I will be--grateful for the loan of your money--and I

am happy to have such a friend' ... and she put out her little bit of a

hand--She did, Sir Nicholas--and I never felt so proud in my life--She's

just a real lady to her finger tips. She is, Sir--I shook it as gentle

as I could, and then was obliged to blow my nose, I felt that

blubberish--I left the room at once, and when I come back for the tray,

and to bring the money she had her hat on, and the note written for you

Sir--I took the violets and began putting them in the box for her to

take--but she stopped me--.

"'Violets fade so soon--I will not take them, thanks,' she said--'I have

to do some shopping before I go home and I could not carry them.' But I

knew it was not that.--She did not want to take them--perhaps she felt

she'd given up enough of her pride to take my money--for one day--So I

said nothing,--but that I did hope she would be feeling better by the

time she came to the _appartement_ on Saturday. She did not speak, she

just nodded her head and smiled kind like at me and went."

I could not answer Burton--I too just nodded my head--and the dear old

boy left me alone--My very heart seemed bursting with pain and

remorse--When he had gone--I seized the letter and opened it.

* * * * *

"To Sir Nicholas Thormonde, Bart, V.C.," (it began, and then)

"Dear Sir:

Circumstances force me to work--so I shall have to remain in your

service--if you require me. I am unfortunately quite defenceless, so I

appeal to whatever chivalry there is in you not to make it so impossible

that I must again give in my resignation.

Yours faithfully,

A. Sharp."

* * * * *

I fell back in my chair in an agony of emotion--My darling! My

queen!--whose very footprints I worship--to have had to write such a

letter--to me!

The unspeakable brute beast I felt! All my cynical calculations about

women fell from me--I saw myself as I had been all day--utterly

selfish--not really feeling for her grief, only making capital out of it

for my own benefit--. At that moment, and for the rest of the day and

night, I suffered every shade of self reproach and abasement a man can

feel. And next day I had to stay in bed because I had done some stupid

thing to my leg in lying down without help.

When I knew I could not get into Paris by Saturday when Alathea was to

come to the flat--I sent Burton in with a note to the shop in the Avenue

Mosart.

"Dear Miss Sharp--(I wrote)

"I am deeply grateful for your magnanimity. I am utterly ashamed of my

weakness--and you will not have called upon my chivalry in vain, I

promise you.--I have to stay in bed, so I cannot be at the flat, and if

you receive this in time I shall be obliged if you will come out here

again on Saturday.

Yours very truly,

Nicholas Thormonde."

Then I never slept all night with thoughts of longing and wondering if

she would get it soon enough to come.

Over and over in my vision I saw the picture of her sitting there in

Burton's room sobbing--My action was the last straw--My shameful

action!--Burton showed the good taste and the sympathy and understanding

for her which I should have done--. And to think that she is troubled

about money, so that she had to take a loan from my dear old

servitor--far greater gentleman than I am--. And that I cannot be the

least use to her--and may not help her in any way! I can go on no longer

in this anguish--as soon as I feel that peace is in the smallest measure

restored between us--I will ask her to marry me, just so that I can give

her everything. I shall tell her that I expect nothing from her--only

the right to help her family and give her prosperity and peace--.

* * * * *

_Sunday:_

I was still in bed on Saturday morning at eleven--the Doctor came out to

see me very early and insisted that I be kept quite still until

Monday--So Burton had my bed table brought, and all my papers and

things--There had come a number of letters to answer, and he had asked

me if Miss Sharp could not do them as soon as she arrived.

"Burton, perhaps she'll feel not quite at ease with me alone in here

like this. Could you not make some excuse to be tidying drawers and

stay while I am dictating," I said.

"Very good, Sir Nicholas."

When he replies with those words I know that he is agreeing--with

reservations--.

"Out with what you are thinking, Burton."

"Well, Sir Nicholas"--and he coughed--"Miss Sharp--is that understandin'

sh'd know in a minute your things wasn't likely to be in a mess, and

that you'd got me there on purpose--It might make her awkward like--."

"You may be right, we will see how things turn out."

Presently I heard Alathea in the sitting-room and Burton went in to see

her.

"Sir Nicholas is very poorly to-day, Miss"--I heard him say--"The Doctor

won't let him out of bed--I wonder if you'd be so kind as to take down

his letters--they are too much for him himself not being able to sit

up--and I have not the time."

"Of course I will, Burton," her soft voice answered.

"I've put the table and everything ready--and I thank you kindly--"

Burton went on--"I am glad to see you looking better, Miss."

I listened intently--It seemed as if I could hear her taking off her

hat--and then she came into the room to me--but by that time my heart

was beating so that I could not speak loud.

I said "good morning" in some half voice, and she answered the

same--then she came forward to the table. Her dear little face was very

pale and there was something pathetic in the droop of her lips--her

hands, I noticed, were again not so red--.

"All the letters are there"--and I pointed to the pile--"It will be so

good of you if you will do them now."

She took each one up and handed it to me without speaking and I dictated

the answer.--I had had one from Suzette that morning thanking me for the

villa--but I was clearly under the impression that I had put it with the

one from Maurice and one from Daisy Ryven at the other side of the bed,

so I had no anxiety about it--Then suddenly I saw Alathea's cheeks flame

crimson and her mouth shut with a snap--and I realized that the irony of

fate had fallen upon me again, and that she had picked up Suzette's

lavender tinted, highly scented missive. She handed it to me without a

word--.

The letter ended:

"_Adieu Nicholas! tu es,

Toujours Mon Adoré

Ta Suzette._"

but the way it was folded only showed "_Toujours Mon Adoré--Ta

Suzette_"--and this much Alathea had certainly seen--.

I felt as if there was some evil imp laughing in the room--There was

nothing to be said or done. I could not curse aloud--so I simply took

the letter, put it with Daisy Ryven's--and indicated that I was waiting

for the next one to be handed to me--So Alathea continued her work.--But

could anything be more maddening--more damnably provoking!--and

inopportune--Why must the shadow of Suzette fall upon me all the time?--

This of course will make any renewal of even the coldest friendliness

impossible, between my little girl and me--. I cannot ask her to marry

me now, and perhaps not for a long time, if ever the chance comes to me

again, in any case. Her attitude, carriage of head, and expression of

mouth, showed contempt, as she finished the short-hand notes. And then

she rose and went into the other room to type, closing the door after

her.

And I lay there shivering with rage and chagrin.

I saw no more of Alathea that morning--She had her lunch in the

sitting-room alone, and Burton brought the dishes in to me, and after

luncheon he insisted that I should sleep for an hour until half-past two

o'clock. He had some accounts for Miss Sharp to do, he said.

I was so exhausted that when I did fall asleep I slept until nearly

four--and awoke with a start and an agony of apprehension that she might

have gone--but no--Burton said she was still there when I rang for

him--and I asked her to come in again--.

We went over one of the earlier chapters in the book and I made some

alterations in it; she never showed the slightest interest, nor did she

speak--; she merely took down what I told her to--.

"Do you think that will do now?" I asked when it was complete.

"Yes."

Tea came in then for us both.--She poured it out, still without uttering

a word--she remembered my taste of no sugar or milk, and put the cup

near me so that I could reach it. She handed me the plate of those nasty

make-believe biscuits, which is all we can get now--then she drank her

own tea.

The atmosphere had grown so tense it was supremely uncomfortable. I felt

that I must break the ice.

"How I wish there was a piano here," I remarked _à propos_ of

nothing--and of course she greeted this, with her usual silence.

"I am feeling so rotten if I could hear some music it would make me

better."

She made the faintest movement with her head, to show me I suppose that

she was listening respectfully, but saw no occasion to reply.

I felt so unspeakably wretched and helpless and useless lying there, I

had not the pluck to go on trying to talk, so I closed my eye and lay

still, and then I heard Alathea rise and softly go towards the door--.

"I will type this at home--and return it to the flat on Tuesday if that

will be all right," she said--and: I answered:

"Thank you" and turned my face to the wall--And after a little, when she

had gone, Burton came in and gave me the medicine the Doctor had told

him to give me, he said--but I have a strong suspicion it was simply

asperine, for then I fell into a dreamy sleep and forgot my aching body

and my troubled mind.

And now I am much better in health again--and am back in Paris and

to-night Maurice, up from Deauville at last, is coming to dine with me.

But what is the good of it all?