"Somehow I don't feel it is altogether because I am a revolting object
to look at that you are so unkind--you must have seen lots like me since
the war--."
"I am not unkind--I think you are--May I go to my work now?"
We rose from the table--And for a second she was so near to me the pent
up desire of weeks mastered me and the tantalization of the morning
overcame me so that a frantic temptation seized me--I _could not_ resist
it--I put out one arm while I steadied myself with the other by the back
of a chair, and I drew her tiny body towards me, and pressed my lips to
her Cupid's bow of a mouth--And Oh God the pleasure of it--right or
wrong!
She went dead white when I released her, she trembled, and in her turn
held on to the back of the chair--.
"How dare you!" she panted--"How dare you!--I will go this minute--You
are not a gentleman."
The reaction came to me--.
"That is it, I suppose--" I said hoarsely--"I am not a gentleman
underneath--the civilization is mere veneer--and the _man_ breaks
through it--I have nothing to say--I was mad, that is all. You will have
to weigh up as to whether it is worth your while to stay with me or not.
I cannot judge of that. I can only assure you that I will try not to err
again--perhaps some day you will know how you have been making me suffer
lately--I shall go to my room now, and you can let me have your decision
in an hour or so--."
I could not move because my crutch had fallen to the floor out of my
reach--She stood in indecision for a moment and then she bent and picked
it up and gave it to me. She was still as white as a ghost. As I got to
the door I turned and said--.
"I apologize for having lost my self-control--I am ashamed of that--and
do not ask you to forgive me--Your staying or not is a business
arrangement. I give you my word I will try never to be so weak again."
She was gazing at me--For once I had taken the wind out of her sails--.
Then I bowed and hobbled on into my bedroom, shutting the door after me.
Here my courage deserted me. I got to the bed with difficulty and threw
myself down upon it and lay there, too filled with emotion to stir. The
thought tormenting me always. Have I burnt my boats--or is this only the
beginning of a new stage?
Time will tell.