The custom of wearing mourning after a bereavement is almost universal.
Even the poorest endeavor to show their grief by donning a few shreds of
black, while among the well-to-do an entire new wardrobe is felt to be
obligatory. However our religion bids us look forward to a more perfect
existence in the beyond, however truly death may be a relief from pain and
suffering, custom, that makes cowards of us all, must be followed. Often
too, mourning garb is but the visible evidence of the gloom that oppresses
us spiritually. In spite of our faith, our sense of loss and loneliness is
best expressed in sad raiment and abstinence from pleasures. Often it
would be kindness to the living to go our way as usual, but that is not in
harmony with our hearts.
Mourning is in a manner a protection to a woman. Strangers respect her
sorrow and refrain from the jocular. Behind her crepe she may defy
intrusion. But it often becomes a hardship to the young.
[752 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]
"I missed all my youth," complained a middle-aged woman. "We were a large
family. A brother died when I was sixteen and we went into mourning and
shut ourselves away from entertainments. Then my father died; next a
sister, and another brother, so that, looking back, I can remember but one
gown I had, between the age of sixteen and thirty-one, that was not
black--and the one exception never had a chance to get worn out."
The Expense of Mourning.--Mourning, however, is sometimes a distraction.
In deciding about trimmings and the width of crepe hems many a woman
forgets her woe, for a time at least. Mourning wear is expensive, and to
clothe a whole family in black totals no inconsiderable sum. Many families
have been financially swamped through the expenses of an illness, a
burial, and the conventional mourning. In this instance, as in the case of
weddings, all these things should be regulated by common sense. A costly
casket, a profusion of flowers and a long funeral procession merely
gratify a foolish and ostentatious pride on the part of the survivors, and
often entail a heavy burden on the father or husband.
It is quite customary to borrow the black garments worn at the funeral.
These should be returned immediately after the funeral, with a message or
note of thanks.
It is well to look over one's wardrobe to see what garments may be colored
for use during the period of mourning. The art of the dyer has made such
progress that very satisfactory results are obtained, and quite wealthy
people do not hesitate to resort to this expedient.
Mourning Wear.--Crepe, ugly, expensive and easily ruined by dust and
dampness, is no longer indispensable to a mourning outfit. If used at all,
it is in the form of hems or narrow bands on face veils and as borders or
facings, on gowns. Even widows, who wear the deepest mourning, no longer
wear crepe veils.
All dress materials for mourning wear have a dull finish. Henrietta,
imperial serges, tamese cloth and nun's veiling are the standard fabrics.
A lusterless silk is sometimes employed, also crepe de chine.
Crepe is used as a trimming only during the first period of mourning. Hats
have almost entirely replaced bonnets, except for elderly widows, who
often adopt the close-fitting Marie Stuart bonnet, with the white ruche
inside the brim. A long veil of fine silk nun's veiling is worn with this,
with a tulle or net face veil with a narrow fold of crepe. Veils of crepe
or nun's veiling are not worn over the face except at the funeral.
Hats with crepe folds and trimmings, with veils arranged to fall in folds
in the back are usually selected; with them is worn a plain net face veil.
Dotted veils are not mourning. Black furs, lynx, fox or Persian lamb are
worn.
Many women wear narrow lawn turn-over collars and cuffs; they are
hemstitched, with no other decoration. Black-bordered handkerchiefs are no
longer carried; if, however, one's woeful trappings must extend to this
detail, the narrower the edge the better.
[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 753]
Either black glace kid or suede gloves are worn. Shoes and slippers must
be in a dull kid finish.
All white may be worn in summer during the later period of mourning, but
combinations of black and white are not mourning; thus a white dress with
black ribbons is not correct.
Jewelry (in gold), ostrich feathers, velvet, lace, satin, and jet
trimmings, except in dull jet, are barred. One may wear a diamond or pearl
ring or two, but no colored jewels set in rings. Some women have outer
shells made in black enamel to enclose diamond ear-rings they are
accustomed to wearing.
If one wears mourning, she should hold to the correct form. If, however,
she elects to wear black, more license is permitted her. Whatever is done,
should be consistent. Thus if she simply adopts black she may have a net
or all-over lace yoke in a gown, may wear hats with wings and quills or
fancy feathers in black, or black flowers--which are botanical
monstrosities--whereas in correct mourning she could not.
The Period of Mourning.--The length of time during which mourning is to be
worn has been considerably shortened of recent years. Widows formerly wore
deep mourning-crepe, bombazine, etc., for two years, and "second
mourning" for another year. Now, even among the most rigid sticklers for
form, two years is the limit, and there is a tendency to diminish this
period. Eighteen months of woe inconsolable; six months of grief assuaged.
Nor are all recreations debarred the widow, as formerly; she may go to
concerts, small entertainments, even to matinees, after some months have
elapsed. This is as it should be. Many women have settled into gloom and
despondency which have darkened their homes because there has been nothing
to lift them out of their low frame of mind.
For a parent, a grown son or daughter, the conventional period is two
years, one year of deep mourning. For a young child a mother wears black
for a year. The same time suffices for a brother or sister. Six months
answers for grandparents; three for an uncle or aunt. Often one does not
wear mourning except for husband, child or parent.
Young girls need not wear mourning as long as an adult does, nor do they
wear crepe, unless it be a hat with crepe trimmings, or one with ribbon
bows and face veil with crepe border. It seems as unnecessary as it is
unkind to put young children into black.
[754 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]
French Mourning.--The French, with characteristic cheerfulness, greatly
abridge the mourning attire, dividing it into three grades, deep, ordinary
and half-mourning. For the first only woolen materials in black are
employed; the second, silk and woolen; the third gray and violet. The wife
laments her husband for a year and six weeks,--six months of deep
mourning; six of ordinary, and six weeks of gray and violet melancholy.
The bereaved husband, on the other hand, is let off with six months of
sorrow, three in deep mourning, three in ordinary; he has not to pass
through the gray-and-violet stage at all.
Six months is also the period for parents, evenly divided between deep and
ordinary. One gets off with two months for brother, sister or grandparent,
and three weeks suffices for a mere uncle or aunt. Good taste decrees
mourning should be discarded gradually. From black one may go to quiet
costumes in dark colors, gray being an approved hue.
Mourning for Men.--Custom sets more lightly upon men than upon women in
the matter of mourning. Here, as elsewhere, the details of etiquette
devolve upon women. A widow would incur censure if she married within two
years after her husband's death; indeed, if her marriage followed soon
after the expiration of that term, Mrs. Grundy would infer some
surreptitious courting had been going on. A man, however, may marry again
after a year has elapsed. A widower would abstain from society and the
theater for six months. A parent is mourned for a year.
The correct attire for men is a black suit, black gloves and tie of
grosgrain or taffeta silk, and a black band upon his hat. The tailor
adjusts this hat band with scrupulous nicety to the depth of his
affliction. It is deepest for a wife; it diminishes mathematically through
the gamut of parents, children, brothers or sisters.
The widower is not expected to wear mourning for two years, unless he
prefers to do so. If he goes into the niceties of the garb he will wear
black enamel shirt studs and cuff buttons, and a plain black watch fob.
After a year he may wear a gray suit, retaining the black accessories.
The custom, followed in some circles, of wearing a black band on the left
coat sleeve, is to be emphatically condemned. The place for the band is on
the hat. If not placed there, let it be nowhere. On a gray or tan coat the
effect is startling. The custom of wearing such a band as emblem of
mourning for a fellow member in a lodge, or any organization, whether worn
by man or woman, is more honored in the breach than the observance. Better
drape the departed member's seat in black, or hang crepe on the charter
than follow this foolish fad.
The Duties of Friends.--Where there is sickness in a family, friends call
to make inquiries or to proffer assistance. Kindness counsels that such
calls should be brief; often duties press heavily upon the well, and the
time spent in receiving visitors may be sadly needed for rest, or for
other duties. To stay to a meal or to take children on such a visit is
inconsiderate, to say the least. If help is needed, give it quietly,
unobtrusively, and as efficiently as possible. A little service rendered
by a thoughtful neighbor is always appreciated, whereas the person who
goes "a-visiting" where there is sickness comes near being a nuisance.
[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 755]
In town, friends call at the door to make inquiries. Unless very intimate,
they do not expect to see any member of the family. Cards are left, and it
is correct to write "To inquire" on the card. If death follows, cards are
properly left, either before the funeral or within a week after the event.
Upon these may be written "with deepest sympathy." One does not ask to see
one of the family. Cards of this character are often sent by mail, and are
acknowledged within three weeks by sending one's visiting card with narrow
black edge and envelope to match. Across the top of the card is written
"With grateful appreciation of your sympathy," or "It is a comfort to feel
that we have your sympathy in our loss." Cards are sometimes especially
engraved for this purpose. Such cards have a mourning border and are
enclosed in an envelope and mailed. One's visiting card, with narrow black
edge and black-bordered envelope, is sent in acknowledgment of invitations
to weddings, receptions, etc. If a note is necessary in reply to an
invitation, it is written on note-paper having a narrow mourning border,
and follows the customary formula, the border being an indication of the
reason it is declined.
In case the request "Kindly omit flowers" is made in the obituary notice,
the wish of the family should be observed.
Letters of condolence should be written as soon as possible. Friends
should not be afraid to intrude. If they feel a sincere sympathy it should
be allowed expression, for such tributes, coming from the heart, are
always grateful to the stricken. Answers to such letters should not be
expected; it is customary to acknowledge them by a card, as above
mentioned.
Friends who send flowers should be thanked, either by note, or word of
mouth.