So brief the span between our birth and death that the etiquette of burial
may fittingly follow that of the christening ceremony. It might be
supposed that the funeral, especially the private, could be conducted
without formality. But informality often means disorder, and simplicity
without order is confusion. There is no time where lack of order and
system so grate on one's nerves as at a funeral. The less "fuss" on such
an occasion the better, and for that reason, the routine of meals should
go on as usual, though no one seems to have the heart to eat them. Still,
it is in a way a comfort to most people to feel the chain of accustomed
habit; it brings a trifling sense of relief.
Save in the case of a person who has been prominent in the public eye,
there is no excuse, or reason, for any but a private funeral. Time was
when not to hasten to the house of death was thought unkind; not to attend
the funeral of an acquaintance a mark of disrespect. We have changed all
that. We do not expect the uninvited to attend our weddings and
receptions, why should they come at times of much more intimate and
personal emotion--those times when we can hardly endure the words and
presence of those we love best? What the sensitive have endured at the
hands--or tongues--of well-meaning but clumsy sympathizers--not
infrequently curious as well as sympathetic--only those who have suffered
can relate. In addition to the natural grief experienced, the members of
the family are usually worn out with nights of watching and days of
anxiety; it is a fresh strain to be obliged to see people, relate
sick-room details and listen to stereotyped condolences.
[750 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]
The Undertaker.--Cases are rare where there is not some "next friend" who
is competent to see the undertaker, and arrange details with him. In fact,
the undertaker may well be put in charge. He should be competent and
experienced. A clumsy, fussy undertaker is an affliction.
The undertaker will obtain the physician's certificate as to the cause of
death, without which in many cities a burial permit cannot be issued. He
will secure the necessary permit, see to the preparation of the grave, and
the purchase of a lot if necessary, arrange the house for the funeral,
furnish the bearers, and secure the requisite number of carriages; and,
before the family returns from the cemetery, have the funeral
paraphernalia out of the house, so that the maids or whoever is left in
charge can restore the rooms to their wonted order. Everything possible is
done to spare the grief-stricken.
The Duties of the Next Friend.--The actual duties devolving upon the
person representing the family include ascertaining their wishes as
regards the officiating clergyman and his notification of their desire and
the hour of the funeral; for music, if any is desired; the selection of a
casket, and determining the number of carriages to be ordered. A written
list of relatives and friends who will go to the cemetery, arranged in
order of their relationship, four in a carriage, is given the undertaker
for his guidance in assigning those present to their places. The friend of
the family will accompany the undertaker to the cemetery if a lot must be
purchased, or he may go alone, the undertaker receiving his instructions
from the cemetery authorities. If any special position is desired for the
new grave, this will be definitely stated. With this knowledge, an
undertaker will conduct a burial so quietly and decorously that as a
bereaved wife once remarked, it was "a real comfort to have John buried."
She did not quite mean what she implied, however.
Where means suffice, a black cloth-covered casket with silver mountings is
chosen. If the interment is in a vault, a metallic casket is obligatory.
The child's casket is white; that for a young person is white or
pearl-gray.
It is no longer necessary to call on friends and neighbors to bear the
dead to their last resting-place, though it may be done. Honorary
pall-bearers are chosen among the associates of the dead in case he is a
prominent personage; the active may be relatives, or undertaker's
assistants. A child is sometimes borne by his or her little school
friends, though it seems a pity to call on children for such offices.
The House Funeral.--At the house funeral the family remains upstairs, or
is seated in the room with the casket, the former more customary. The
clergyman stands at the head of the casket, or in the doorway, that his
voice may be heard. At the conclusion of the service, those not going to
the cemetery quietly disperse; the carriages drive up; the undertaker in a
low voice assigns the relatives to them in proper order, and the cortege
moves off. At the grave, the remainder of the solemn service is read, the
casket lowered, and all is over.
[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 751]
That dreadful custom known as "viewing the remains," by which those
present file past the casket for a last look at the dead, is obsolete. The
bereaved take their farewell before any arrivals; those who desire to
behold the face of the dead do so as they enter, then are seated in
another room. Sometimes the casket is closed before the funeral.
Church Funerals.--The church funeral is more dignified, perhaps, but much
less common than a few years ago. Good taste counsels that our leaving,
like our arrival in this world, be a purely family affair. Those who
attend a church funeral are in their seats when the cortege arrives. The
organ is softly played as the casket is borne up the aisle, the clergyman
preceding it; its rests before the chancel, the clergyman reads the burial
service from the step, the mourners, who have followed the casket, being
seated in the front pews. The procession retires in the same order, the
congregation dispersing afterwards.
Flowers.--Flowers are usually ordered the day before the funeral, to
arrive in the morning, that they may be fresh. Cards are removed before
they are taken to the cemetery. Colored flowers, preferably those of pale
tints, are admissible, though American Beauties are not infrequently sent.
Wreaths of galax leaves are often ordered for the funeral of an elderly
person; sometimes half of the wreath is of the leaves and the remainder of
flowers. Wreaths and sprays are almost invariably sent by private
individuals, the stereotyped "emblems" like "the broken wheel," "gates
ajar," etc., being the offerings of clubs, or other organizations to which
the deceased may have belonged. Where there is a great quantity of
flowers, the loose sprays are often sent to the sick in hospitals, only
enough to cover the grave being reserved. The visitor to a cemetery could
find it in his heart to wish that when the beauty of these floral
offerings has departed, the sodden remnants might be speedily removed.
They speak so forcibly of forgetfulness.