"The small courtesies sweeten life, the greater ennoble it."
The social code which we call etiquette is no senseless formula. It has a
meaning and a purpose. It is the expression of good manners, and good
manners have been rightly called the minor morals. This is true in the
sense that they are the expression of the innate kindness and good will
that sum up what we call good breeding. As to its importance, Sir Walter
Scott once said that a man might with more impunity be guilty of an actual
breach of good morals than appear ignorant of the points of etiquette.
[684 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]
Every social custom has a foundation established by usage as a recognition
of social needs, and intended to prevent rudeness and confusion; intended
also to make polite society polite. We must conform, according to our
circle, to social conventions as thus established, since they are the
ripened results of long and varied experience in what is most suitable and
becoming. Not to observe them is to advertise our ignorance and expose
ourselves to criticism.
Importance of Knowledge.--That the importance of a knowledge of social
customs is widely felt is proved by the pathetic letters addressed to the
editors of women's magazines and departments, asking for information to
enlighten ignorance. Such letters range from the naive inquiry of the
unsophisticated girl as to whether it is "proper" to allow her "gentleman
friend" to kiss her good night, up to the plaint of the novice who doesn't
know how to make her spoons and forks come out even at a dinner-party.
Here in America, where circumstances may lift a family from poverty and
obscurity to wealth, with a position to win in a few brief years, the
first great anxiety of those not "to the manor born" is to learn how to
comport themselves in their new situation, and educate their children in
correct behavior.
Good manners are a necessary equipment of both men and women. In many
circles, success is impossible without such equipment. An agreeable
manner, a knowledge of what to do and when to do it, is indispensable to
the woman in society, and any man who meets other men in a business way
will willingly bear testimony to the reluctance with which he approaches
the gruff, brusque man, whose manners are patterned after those of Ursa
Major. The man whose manners are agreeable may be as ugly as Caliban, yet
please everybody.
Moreover, there is no weapon so effective against the rude and
ill-mannered as a calm politeness--a courtesy which marks the person who
can practise it as superior to the one who cannot. For one's own peace of
mind, one should learn the art of good manners.
A Matter of Habit.--Manners, like everything else in life, must be learned
by rule, the only possible exception being in the case of those who have
been brought up in what we call our best society, where what to do and how
to dress and behave have been matters of habit from earliest childhood.
When once the rules of etiquette are firmly fixed, they become instinctive
and are obeyed unconsciously. The individual then has "good manners." No
one can be easy and graceful who must stop to think how to do things.
Familiarity with form breeds ease and grace of manner. Therefore those who
would be letter perfect must practise the rules of good form at all times
and places. Manners cannot be put on and off like a garment. Moreover, as
has just been said, the politeness that comes of such observance is the
best possible armor against the rudeness or boorishness of the ignorant
and untrained.
[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 685]
Many books on etiquette are written, most of which are intended for those
in fashionable society who have a number of servants and entertain both
extensively and expensively. Other writers take too much for granted; they
presuppose a knowledge of the subject which the novice who needs
instruction does not possess. This department is intended for those who
desire to add to their knowledge of social forms, who do not wish to
appear ignorant and awkward, and who, in a more limited social sphere,
still wish to entertain properly and pleasantly, and comport themselves in
correct form.