the wedding ceremony. True, it is considered an occasion of great joy;
but there remains the thought, the smile that kindles to ecstasy at
their union will at last be quenched in the tears of the survivor. Man
may unite, but death only separates. If from this proceed some of the
deepest joys of life, from hence also come not unfrequently the deepest
sorrows.
There is no one thing more lovely in this life, more full of the
divinest courage, than when a young maiden—from her past life; from her
happy childhood, when she rambled over every field and moor around her
home; when a mother anticipated her wants and soothed her little cares;
when brothers and sisters grew from merry playmates to loving, trustful
friends; from the Christmas gatherings and romps, the festival in bower
or garden; from the rooms sanctified by the death of relatives; from the
holy and secure background of her early life—looks out into a dark and
unknown future, away from all that, and yet unterrified, undaunted,
undertakes the journey, with a trusting confidence in the one beside
her. Buoyed up with the confidence of requited love, she bids a fond and
grateful adieu to the life that is passed, she turns with excited hopes
and joyful anticipations of happiness to what is to come.
Then woe to the man who can blast such hopes, who can break the
illusions that have won her, and destroy the confidence which his love
inspired! Marriage offers the most effective opportunity for spoiling
the life of another. Nobody can debase, harass, and ruin a woman as her
own husband, and nobody can do a tithe as much to chill a man's
aspiration for good, to paralyze his energies, as his wife; and a man is
never irretrievably ruined in his prospects till he marries a bad woman.
Perhaps there is no hour in the life of a man or woman more potential
for weal or woe than the marriage hour. That is the hour from whence
most men can date their success or failure; for while nothing is a
greater incentive to a man to put forth all his exertions than for the
sake of his wife, and while her society is the place where he forgets
the cares of the world, and in its quiet rest finds new courage to take
up life's load, yet has a wife equal power for ill.
Be a man ever so ambitious, energetic, or industrious, yet with a
careless or spendthrift wife his best efforts for success are vain. And
nothing will sooner discourage a man than a wife too ignorant or too
careless to understand, appreciate, and sympathize with his efforts. And
for the woman, too, it is at once the happiest and saddest hour of her
life. It is the promise of future bliss, raised on the death of all
present enjoyment. She quits her home, her parents, her companions, her
occupation, her amusements, her every thing upon which she has hitherto
depended for comfort, for affection, for kindness, for pleasure.
With the marriage ceremony she enters a new world; but it is with her a
world from whence she can not return. If the man of her choice be an
upright, pure man, with manly traits of character, industrious and
honest, in the majority of cases she is to blame if it be not to her a
world of happiness. But if she has erred, and she finds herself bound
for life with one inferior to her, or who is enslaved to habit or
temper, or destitute of manly attributes, God help her! Her future is
full of misery.
A man's moral character is necessarily powerfully influenced by his
wife. A lower nature will drag him down, as a higher one will lift him
up. The former will deaden his sympathies, dissipate his energies, and
distort his life, while the latter, by satisfying his affections, will
strengthen his moral nature, and, by giving him repose, tend to energize
his intellect. Not only so, but a woman of high principle will
insensibly elevate the aim and purpose of her husband, as one of low
principles will unconsciously degrade them. In the course of life we may
see even a weak man display real public virtue, because he had by his
side a woman of noble character, who sustained him in his career, and
exercised a fortifying influence on his views of public duty; while, on
the contrary, all have often witnessed men of grand and generous
instincts transformed into vulgar self-seekers by contact with women of
narrow natures, devoted to an imbecile love of pleasure, and from whose
minds the grand motive of duty was altogether absent. As wives may
exercise a great moral influence upon their husbands, so, on the other
hand, there are few men strong enough to resist the influence of a lower
character in a wife. If she does not sustain and elevate what is highest
in his nature, she will speedily reduce him to her own level. Thus a
wife may be the making or unmaking of the best of men.
It is by the regimen of the domestic affections that the heart of man is
best composed and regulated. The home is the woman's kingdom, her state,
her world where she governs by affection, by kindness, by the power of
gentleness. There is nothing which so settles the turbulence of a man's
nature as his union in life with a high-minded woman. There he finds
rest, contentment, and happiness—rest of brain and peace of spirit. He
will also often find in her his best counselor; for her instinctive tact
will usually lead him right, where his own unaided reason might be apt
to go wrong.
The true wife is a staff to lean upon in times of trial and difficulty,
and she is never wanting in sympathy and solace when distress occurs or
fortune frowns. In the time of youth she is a comfort and an ornament of
man's life, and she remains a faithful helpmate in maturer years, when
life has ceased to be in anticipation, and we live in its realities. Of
all the institutions that effect human weal or woe on earth none is more
important than marriage. It is the foundation of the great social
fabric, and conceals within its mystic relations the coiled secrets of
the largest proportion of happiness and misery connected with the lot of
man.
Marriage, to be a blessing, must be properly entered. It has its
fundamental laws, which must be obeyed. It is not a mysterious,
wonder-working institution of the Almighty, which can not be studied by
the common mind, but a simple necessity laid in man's social nature,
which may be read and understood of all men who will investigate that
nature. The reasons for every enjoyment of the matrimonial life may be
understood before entering upon its relations. The conditions upon which
its joys and advantages are realized may be learned beforehand. It
should not be entered in blindness, but rather in the daylight of a
perfect knowledge of its rules and regulations, its promises and
conditions, its laws and privileges, so that no uncertainty shall attend
its realization, no unhappy revealments shall follow a knowledge of its
reality.
Marriage, then, should be made a study. Every youth, both male and
female, should so consider it. It is the grand social institution of
humanity. Its laws and relations are of momentous importance to the
race. Shall it be entered blindly, in total ignorance of what it is,
what its conditions of happiness are? Its relations involve some of the
most stern duties and acts of self-denial that men are called upon to
perform. Shall youth enter upon its relations without a knowledge of
these duties? For all the professions, trades, and callings in life men
and women prepare themselves by previous attention to their principles
and duties. They study them,—devote time and money to them. Every
imaginable case of difficulty or trial is considered and duly disposed
of according to the general principles of the trade or profession. But
marriage—incomparably the most important and holy relation of life,
involving the most sacred responsibilities and influences, social,
civil, and religious, that bear upon men—is entered upon in hot haste
or blind stupidity, by a great majority of youth.
No young man has any right to ask a young woman to enter the matrimonial
bonds with him till he is thoroughly acquainted with the female
constitution and character. Woman loves the strong, the resolute, and
the vigorous in man. To these qualities she looks for protection. Under
the shadow of their wings she feels secure. But she wants them blended
with the tender, the sensitive, and the lofty in sentiment. Her
companionship, her joy, she finds in these sentiments. Where she finds
these she pours the full tides of her loving soul, and willingly enters
the bower of conjugal felicity. He who knows not her nature knows not
how to gratify and satisfy that nature. So woman should know the nature
of man. The rough world often makes him appear what he is not. He has a
vein of tenderness below the sternness of his worldly manners which
woman should know how to penetrate and bring for her own, as well as for
his, proper enjoyment. It is in this strata of tenderness that she finds
her true companionship with him, and he with her. If she is ignorant of
his nature she knows not how to supply his wants or answer the calls of
that nature. Thus we see most clearly the necessity of a thorough study
of this whole subject by every youth. It is ignorance in these matters
that causes a great amount of matrimonial infelicity.
Some are disappointed in marriage because they expect too much from it;
but many more because they do not bring into the copartnership their
fair share of cheerfulness, kindness, forbearance, and common sense.
Their imagination has pictured a condition of things never experienced
on this side of heaven, and when real life comes with its troubles and
cares there is a sudden wakening up as from a dream. Or, they look for
something approaching perfection in their chosen companion, and discover
by experience that the fairest of characters have their weaknesses. Yet
it is often the very imperfection of human nature, rather than its
perfections, that makes the strongest claims on the forbearance and
sympathy of others and, in affectionate and sensible natures, tends to
produce the closest unions.
Marriage is the source from whence originates, as from a radiant point,
the most beautiful glories of life, and also the deepest cares. Talk as
we will of marriage, it is a real affair—it abounds in homely details.
The joys of the wedding morn are quickly followed by the anxious cares
of daily life. But if entered understandingly, and lived as becomes
thoughtful, considerate human beings, each of whom tries to bear with
the other's infirmities, and to consider the other's happiness as
paramount with their own, it then becomes a delightful scene of domestic
happiness, to which all true men and women look forward as the condition
of life most consonant to their true happiness.
[Illustration: SINGLE LIFE.]
[Illustration]
In the minds of nearly all properly constituted individuals there exists
the hope and expectation of marriage. This is in accordance with the law
of God as written in our physical being, and the young man who marries
not, save in a few exceptional cases, arising out of ill health,
deformity, or eccentricity of character, fails in one of the most
palpable duties of life. He deprives himself of life's most refined and
exalted pleasures, of some of its strongest incentives to virtue and
activity, sets an example unworthy of imitation, and fails to do much
good that he might do in society. Moreover, he leaves one who might have
made him a happy and useful companion to pine in maidenhood of heart
through all the weary days of life.
A single life is not without its advantages, while a married one that
fails of accomplishing its true end is the acme of earthly wretchedness.
It is eminently proper to prepare for marriage, since this is designed
by the Almighty Author to promote the health, happiness, purity, and
real greatness of our species. But it is an error to fancy that you can
not be truly happy in a single state, or hastily to assume the
responsibilities of married life without due consideration. There is
many a wife who, having married hastily and with a lack of due caution,
has buried her hopes even of happiness deep in a grave of despair. And
many a man who married without due thought and consideration can date
from that hour the death of his ambitious purposes, and in the
disappointments of married life lose sight of the glorious hopes which
inspired him while single.
If the greatest happiness, and perhaps the only real and genuine kind,
is to be found in the blessings of chaste and devoted love, yet
matrimony, it must be acknowledged, is chargeable with numberless
solicitudes and responsibilities; and if it often causes the heart to
exult in joy, it as frequently makes it throb with pain. If it does not
fall to your lot to participate in the delights and pleasures of a happy
and reciprocal union of hearts; if destiny has restricted your
sympathies and thwarted your desires, and consigned you, perhaps
unwillingly, to solitude and celibacy; if you are only a neutral
spectator of those scenes wherein great artifice and deception,
unfairness and insincerity are too often practiced, and often hearts are
won, but happiness lost, you may console yourself that there are many
positive advantages in being alone. The command of time and freedom from
many cares should open the way to new and beneficial sources of pastime
and usefulness sufficient to reconcile you to your condition, and to
make it as enviable as that of those who have more incumbrances but less
ease, and who sometimes act as if the world was made for matrimony and
nothing else.
From the actions and conversations of some people you would suppose that
marriage was the chief end of life, which view is altogether degrading
and debasing in its tendency. For while admitting that it is, indeed,
that state of life most becoming the dignity and happiness of man, yet
it is not true that single life does not present fields of usefulness
and honor, and that, above all things, it is true wisdom to remain
single to the end of your days, unless you are satisfied that it is
advisable to unite your destiny with that of another.
Marriage has a great refining and moralizing tendency. When a man
marries early and uses prudence in choosing a suitable companion, he is
likely to lead a virtuous, happy life; but in an unmarried state all
alluring vices have a tendency to draw him away. Marriage renders a man
more virtuous and more wise. An unmarried man is but half of a perfect
being, and it requires the other half to make things right; and it can
not be expected that in this imperfect state he can keep straight in the
path of rectitude any more than that a boat with one oar can keep a
straight course. Marriage changes the current of a man's feelings, and
gives him a center for his thoughts, his affections, and his acts.
There are exceptions to every rule; but the chances are that the young
man who marries will make a stronger and better fight all through life
than he who remains single. The reason of this is not difficult to find.
A man will not put forth all his energies who has not something outside
of self to draw him on and to incite him to put forth his best
exertions. He also feels the lack of a home, which tends to round out
life. He may, indeed, have a place to eat, a place to sleep, and, for
that matter, all the luxury that money can buy; but we have long since
learned that money will not buy every thing. It is utterly beyond its
power to purchase a home and the treasures of love. This the unmarried
man can not obtain. He may be courted for his money; he may eat, drink,
and revel; and he may sicken and die in a hotel or a garret, with plenty
of attendants about him. But, alas! what are attendants, waiting like so
many cormorants for their prey, as compared with those whose hearts are
knit to him by the strong ties of family relationship.
If marriage increases the cares it also heightens the pleasures of life.
If it, in some instances, dampens the enthusiasm and seems a hindrance
to success in countless instances it has proved to be the incentive
which has called forth the best part of man's nature, roused him from
selfish apathy, and inspired in him those generous principles and high
resolves which have caused all his after life to be replete with kindly
acts, and himself to develop into a character known, loved, and honored
by all within the sphere of its influence.
Jeremy Taylor, in contrasting single life with married life, says, in
his quaint style: "Marriage is a school and exercise of virtue, and
though marriage hath cares, yet single life hath desires which are more
troublesome and more dangerous, and often end in sin; while the cares
are but exercises of piety, and therefore, if single life hath more
privacy of devotion, yet marriage hath more variety of it, and is an
exercise of more grace. Marriage is the proper scene of piety and
patience, of the duty of parents, and the charity of relations; here
kindness is spread abroad, and love is united and made firm as a center.
"Marriage is the nursery of heaven. The virgin sends prayers to God, but
she carries but one soul to him; but the state of marriage fills up the
number of the elect, and hath in it the labor of love and the delicacies
of friendship, the blessings of society, and the union of hearts and
hands. It hath in it more safety than single life hath; it hath more
care; it is more merry and more sad; it is fuller of joys and sorrows;
it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strength of
love and charity, which makes those burdens delightful. Marriage is the
mother of the world, and preserves kingdoms, and fills cities and
churches and heaven itself, and is that state of good things to which
God hath designed the present constitution of the world."
Though a great deal can be urged against marriage at too early an age,
or against hasty and injudicious marriages, still there arrives a time
in the life of every individual when it would be a great deal wiser for
him to marry than to remain single. And we suppose that the number of
bachelors who remain single all their life is exceedingly small;
comparatively few of them die unmarried. When least expected they
contract matrimonial alliances, thereby ofttimes disappointing numerous
_protégés_, who have been confidently expecting that they would come in
for the property. And the chances are against such marriages being
happy, for it is more one of convenience, both on his part and that of
his wife. She probably takes him because he is wealthy and can provide
her with a first-rate establishment. He probably marries her because he
is insufferably lonely and wishes to have a home of his own, where, if
he can not do every thing as he likes, he is certain of a real welcome.
Though many of the most pathetic sorrows of life are caused by the
endearing relations existing, by marriage, between the suffering one and
another, yet deep in the heart of many who walk through life alone,
unattended by the sympathy of a loving companion,
"Lies
Deeply buried from human eyes"
some of the deepest and most soul-pervading griefs that humanity knows
of. Perhaps that old man, now so cross and fretful, whom we call "old
bachelor," even now has a mistiness come in his eye and a pathetic
tremor in his tongue as he looks at a faded picture, to him too sacred
for the curious gaze of others—a picture whose limning has faded as the
real one faded long ago under the coffin lid. And there are, no doubt,
many whom we call selfish, proud, cold-hearted men who once were as
warm-hearted and generous as any could wish, who once poured out all the
wealth of their affections on one unworthy of them, the discovery of
which changed their whole nature.
There are women whom the world calls single, who are as truly wedded to
a tear-stained package as if it really were the being it represents to
them—who live in the old, sweet time those missives once belonged to,
and who keep their hearts apart from the dull reality that makes up the
present world. Years may have passed, and nothing remains the same
except the dear dream that never knew reality, yet, held in their
love-life by their fragile paper bonds, they still dwell in that fair,
unsubstantial Spring-time, while Autumn fades and Winter, cold and
dreary, reigns in all the outer world.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: MARRIED LIFE.]
[Illustration]
The marriage institution is the bond of social order, and if treated
with due respect, care, and consideration greatly enhances individual
happiness and consequently general good. The Spartan law punished those
who did not marry, those who married too late, and those who married
improperly. Though positive law has long since ceased to exercise any
discretion as to whether a person marries or remains single, yet, as the
foundation of marriage is fixed in the law of God, written in our
physical being, it follows that it is none the less true now than in the
morning of time that it is "not good for man to be alone." For ages
history has shown that the permanent union of one man with one woman
establishes a relation of affection and interest which can in no other
way be made to exist between two human beings. Hence marriage, both from
a theoretical and a practical point of view, becomes to him an aid in
the stern conflicts of life.
Many a man has risen from obscurity to fame who in the days of his
triumphant victory has freely and gracefully acknowledged that to the
sympathy and encouragement of his wife during the long and weary years
of toil he owed very much of his achieved success. The good wife! How
much of this world's happiness and prosperity is contained in the
compass of these two short words! Her influence is immense. The power of
a wife for good or for evil is altogether irresistible. Home must be the
seat of happiness or it must be forever unknown. A good wife is to a man
wisdom and courage, strength and endurance; a bad one is confusion and
weakness, discomfiture and despair. No condition in life is hopeless
when the wife possesses firmness, decision, energy, and economy. There
is no outward prosperity which can counteract indolence, folly, and
extravagance at home. No spirit can long resist bad domestic influences.
Man is strong, but his strength is not adamant. He delights in
enterprise and action; but to sustain him he needs a tranquil mind and a
whole heart. He expends his moral force in the conflicts of the world.
In the true wife the husband finds not affection only, but
companionship—a companionship with which no other can compare. The
family relationship gives retirement with solitude, and society without
the rough intrusion of the world. It plants in the husband's dwelling a
friend who can bear his silence without weariness; who can listen to the
details that affect his interests or sympathy; who can appreciate his
repetition of events, only important as they are embalmed in the heart.
Common friends are linked to us by a slender thread. We must reclaim
them by ministering to their interests or their enjoyments. What a
luxury it is for a man to feel that in his home there is a true and
devoted being, in whose presence he may throw off restraint without
danger to his dignity, he may confide without fear of treachery, and be
poor or unfortunate without fear of being abandoned. If in the outer
world he grows weary of human selfishness, his heart can safely trust in
one whose indulgence overlooks his defects.