properly constituted human being who entertains an appreciation of
loneliness and wretchedness, and looks forward to happiness and content,
feels a necessity of loving. Without it life is unfinished and hope is
without aim, nature is defective and man miserable; nor does he come to
comprehend the end and glory of existence until he has experienced the
fullness of a love that actualizes all indefinite cravings and
expectations. Love is the great instrument of nature, the bond and
cement of society, the spirit and spring of the universe. It is such an
affection as can not so properly be said to be in the soul as the soul
to be in that. It is the whole nature wrapped up in one desire. Love is
the sun of life, most beautiful in the morning and evening, but warmest
and steadiest at noon.
Love blends young hearts in blissful unity, and for the time so ignores
past ties and affections as to make a willing separation of the son from
his father's house, and the daughter from all the sweet endearments of
her childhood's home, to go out together and rear for themselves an
altar, around which shall cluster all the cares and delights, the
anxieties and sympathies of the family relationship. This love, if pure,
unselfish, and discreet, constitutes the chief usefulness and happiness
of human life. Without it there would be no organized households, and,
consequently, none of that earnest endeavor for a competence and
respectability, which is the mainspring to human efforts, none of those
sweet, softening, restraining, and elevating influences of domestic
life, which can alone fill the earth with the happy influences of
refinement.
Love, it has been said, in the common acceptance of the term is folly;
but love in its purity, its loftiness, its unselfishness is not only a
consequence, but a proof of our moral excellence. The sensibility to
moral beauty, the forgetfulness of self in the admiration engendered by
it, all prove its claim to a high moral influence. It is the triumph of
the unselfish over the selfish part of our nature. No man and no woman
can be regarded as complete in their experience of life until they have
been subdued into union with the world through their affections. As
woman is not woman until she has known love, neither is man a complete
man. Both are requisite to each other's completeness.
Love is the weapon which Omnipotence reserved to conquer rebel man when
all the rest had failed. Reason he parries; fear he answers blow to
blow; future interests he meets with present pleasure; but love, that
sun against whose melting beams Winter can not stand, that soft,
subduing slumber which brings down the giant, there is not one human
soul in a million, not a thousand men in all earth's domain whose
earthly hearts are hardened against love. There needs no other proof
that happiness is the most wholesome moral atmosphere, and that in which
the morality of man is destined ultimately to thrive, than the elevation
of soul, the religious aspirations which attend the first assurance, the
first sober certainty of true love.
Love is the perpetual melody of humanity. It sheds its effulgence upon
youth, and throws a halo around age. It glorifies the present by the
light it casts backward, and it lightens the future by the gleams sent
forward. The love which is the outcome of esteem has the most elevating
and purifying effect on the character. It tends to emancipate one from
the slavery of self. It is altogether unsordid; itself is the only
price. It inspires gentleness, sympathy, mutual faith, and confidence.
True love also in a manner elevates the intellect. "All love renders
wise in a degree," says the poet Browning, and the most gifted minds
have been the truest lovers. Great souls make all affections great; they
elevate and consecrate all true delights. Love even brings to light
qualities before lying dormant and unsuspected. It elevates the
aspirations, expands the soul, and stimulates the mental powers.
It were fitting that the nature of this affection, which has such power
for good or ill, be thoroughly understood, and endeavors made to guide
it in right channels. For love, as it is of the first enjoyment, so it
is frequently of the deepest distress. If it is placed upon an unworthy
object, and the discovery is made too late, the heart can never know
peace. Every hour increases the torments of reflection, and hope, that
soothes the severest ills, is here turned into deep despair. But,
strange to say, though it is one of universal and engrossing interest to
humanity, the moralist avoids it, the educator shuns it, and parents
taboo it. It is considered almost indelicate to refer to love as between
the sexes, and young persons are left to gather their only notions of it
from the impossible love stories that fill the shelves of circulating
libraries. This strong and absorbing feeling, which nature has for wise
purposes made so strong in woman that it colors her whole life and
history, though it may form but an episode in the life of man, is
usually left to follow its own inclination, and to grow up for the most
part unchecked, without any guidance or direction whatever.
Although nature spurns all formal rules and directions in affairs of
love; though love triumphs over reason, resists all persuasion, and
scorns every dictate of philosophy; and though, like a fabled tree or
plant, it may be cut down at night, but ere morning it will be found to
have sprouted up again in renewed freshness and beauty, with its leaves
and branches re-expanded to the air and laden with blossoms and fruits;
still, at all events, it were best to instill in young minds such views
of character as should enable them to discriminate between the true and
the false, and to accustom them to hold in esteem those qualities of
moral purity and integrity without which life is but a scene of folly
and misery. It may not be possible to teach young people to love wisely,
but they may at least be guarded by parental advice against the
frivolous and despicable passions which so often usurp its name.
Genuine love is founded on esteem and respect. You can not long love one
for whom you have not these feelings. The most beautiful may be the most
admired and caressed, but they are not always the most esteemed and
loved. We discover great beauty in those who are not beautiful, if they
possess genuine truthfulness, simplicity, and sincerity. No deformity is
present where vanity and affectation is absent, and we are unconscious
of the want of charms in those who have the power of fascinating us by
something more real and permanent than external attractions and
transitory shows.
Remember that love is dependent upon forms; courtesy of etiquette must
guard and protect courtesy of heart. How many hearts have been lost
irrecoverably and how many averted eyes and cold looks have been gained
from what seemed, perhaps, but a trifling negligence of forms. Love is a
tender plant and can not bear cold neglect. It requires kind acts and
thoughtful attentions, one to the other, and thrives at its best only
when surrounded by an atmosphere of disinterested courtesy.
The love of woman is a stronger power and a sweeter thing than that of
man. Men and women can not be judged by the same rules. There are many
radical differences in their affectional natures. Man is the creature of
interest and ambition. His nature leads him forth into the struggle and
bustle of the great world. Love is but the embellishment of his early
life, or a song piped in the interval of the acts. He seeks for fame,
for fortune, for space in the world's thoughts, and dominion over his
fellow-men. But a woman's whole life is a history of the affections. The
heart is her world; it is there her ambition strives for empire; it is
there her nature seeks for love and kindness. She sends forth her
sympathies on adventure; she embarks her whole soul in the traffic of
affection, and if shipwrecked her case is hopeless, for it is the
bankruptcy of a heart.
Woman's love is stronger than man's because she sacrifices more. For
every woman is with the food of the heart as with the food of her body;
it is possible to exist on a very small quantity, but this small
quantity is an absolute necessity. The love of a pure, true woman has
brightened some of the darkest scenes in the world's history. It
inspires them with courage and incites them to actions utterly foreign
to their shrinking dispositions. Who can estimate the value of a woman's
affections? Gold can not purchase a gem so precious. In our most
cheerless moments, when disappointments and care crowd round the heart,
and even the gaunt form of poverty menaces with his skeleton fingers, it
gleams round the soul like sunlight in dark places. It follows the
prisoner into the gloomy cell, and in the silence of midnight it plays
around his heart, and in his dreams he folds to his bosom the form of
her who loves him still, though the world has turned coldly from him.
Love purifies the heart from self; it strengthens and ennobles the
character, gives higher motives and a nobler aim to every action of
life, and makes both man and woman strong, noble, and courageous; and
the power to love truly and devotedly is the noblest gift with which a
human being can be endowed, but it is a sacred fire and not to be burned
before idols. Disinterested love is beautiful and noble. How high will
it not rise! How many injuries will it not forgive! What obstacles will
it not overcome, and what sacrifices will it not make rather than give
up the being upon which it has been once wholly and truthfully fixed!
It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult
to know it has begun. A thousand messengers betray it to the eye. Tone,
act, attitude, and look, the signals upon the countenance, the electric
telegraph of touch, all betray the yielding citadel. And there is
nothing holier in this life of ours than the first consciousness of
love, the first fluttering of its silken wings, the first rising sound
of that wind which is so soon to sweep through the soul to purify or to
destroy. Love is thus a power, potent for good, but, debased and
corrupted, is as potent for evil. If it brings joys it may also conduce
to exquisite anguish. A disappointment in love is more hard to get over
than any other; the passion itself so softens and subdues the heart that
it disables it from struggling or bearing up against the woes and
distresses which befall it. The mind meets with other misfortune in her
whole strength; she stands collected within herself and sustains the
shock with all the force which is natural to her. But a heart crossed in
love has its foundation sapped, and immediately sinks under the weight
of accidents that are disagreeable to its favorite passion.
When time brings us to the resting-places of life—and we all expect
them, and, in some measure, attain them—when we pause to consider its
ways and to study its import, we then look back over the waste ground
which we have left behind us. Is a bright spot to be seen there? It is
where the star of love has shed its beams. Is there a plant, a flower,
or any beautiful thing visible? It is where the smiles and tears of
affection have been spent—where some fond eye met our own, some
endearing heart was clasped to ours. Take these away and what joy has
memory in retrospection, or what delight has hope in future prospects?
The bosom which does not feel love is cold; the mind which does not
conceive it is dull; the philosophy which does not accept it is false;
and the only true religion in the world has pure, reciprocal, and
undying love for its basis. The loves that make memory happy and home
beautiful are those which form the sunlight of our earlier years; they
beam gratefully along the pathway of our mature years, and their
radiance lingers till the shadows of death darken them all together.
[Illustration]
[Illustration: COURTSHIP.]
[Illustration]
There is an unfortunate tendency in human nature to treat with levity
many questions most vitally affecting man's real happiness. Thus in the
questions of love, courtship, and marriage—questions than which none
could be more important—it is to be deeply regretted that men and women
do not more carefully consider the wisdom of their course, do not
reflect whether they are guided by the light of calm, sober sense or are
leaving things to impulse.
It has been wisely but sadly said that years are necessary to cement a
friendship; but months, and sometimes weeks, and even days, are
sufficient to prepare for that holier state of matrimony. From false
regard to public opinion, or as a matter of convenience, or for the mere
purpose of securing a home and being settled in life, thousands enter
into the most sacred of human relationships with no such feelings as
will enable them to bear the burdens which it brings.
[Illustration: Engraved & Printed by Illman Brothers.
THE VOW.]
Love and courtship should be to wedded love what a blossom is to the
perfected fruit. The power of this love must be measured, not by its
intensity, but by its effects—by its beneficence in bringing into play
a higher range of motives, by the facilities it unfolds, by its skill in
harmonizing different natures. Not once in a hundred times do two
natures brought side by side harmonize in every part. Of nothing are
people more ignorant than of human nature. Very rich and fruitful
natures are often side by side with very barren ones; noble ones, with
those that are sordid; exquisitely sensitive, with those coarse and
rude. This is a consequence to be foreseen from the want of thought
evinced by people when about to marry.
Many counsel the young not to expect too much from love. That is an evil
philosophy, however, which advises to moderation by undervaluing the
possibilities of a true and glorious love. Happiness in this life
depends more upon the capacity of loving than on any other single
quality. If men lose all the treasures of love, it does not prove that
the treasure is not to be found, but that they have not sought aright.
In love there are many apartments; but not to selfishness, sensuality,
or arrogance will love yield its richest treasures. True love is social
regeneration. It is a revolution ending with a new king, and a
reconstruction of the soul.
The way of selfishness is self-seeking; that of love, self-sacrifice. It
is this self-sacrificing spirit of love that can alone perpetuate its
influence and establish its worth and blessedness. True wisdom, then,
will say to the young, Love, but love not blindly. Justice is
represented as blind, in order that, under no circumstances, can she
swerve one hair's-breadth from the right, from personal favor or
prejudice; but Love, on the contrary, should use his eyes to the fullest
extent, in order that, in days of courtship, no stumbling-block may be
left to become a torment after marriage.
A moment's consideration will show how utterly repugnant it is to all
manly feelings to jest in this matter. It is one of the most serious
concerns of life. Your weal or woe and the weal or woe of those who
shall come after you, and the influence you shall exert upon the world,
depend, in a great measure, upon the wisdom and virtue with which you
conduct your preparation for marriage. All true minds see the manifest
impropriety of jesting about the most delicate, serious, and sacred
relation and feeling of human experience. The whole tendency of such
lightness is to cause the marriage relation to be lightly esteemed and
the true aim of courtship to be lost sight of. Until it is viewed in its
true light, with that sober earnestness which the subject demands,
courtship will be nothing else than a grand game of hypocrisy, resulting
in misery the most deplorable.
Courtships are sweet and dreamy thresholds of unseen temples, where half
the world has paused in couples, talked in whispers under the moonlight,
passed on, but never returned. It should be to all but the entrance to
scenes of happiness and content. But, alas! in the history of many we
know that such is not the case. We have been but poor observers if we
fail to recognize that marriage is not necessarily a blessing. It may be
the bitterest curse; it may sting like an adder and bite like a serpent.
Its bower is as often made of thorns as of roses. It blasts as many
sunny expectations as it realizes, and an illy mated human pair is the
most woeful picture of wretchedness that is presented in the book of
life; and yet such pictures are plenty.
It becomes all young men and women, who are standing where the radiant
beams of love are just beginning to gild the pathway before them, to
endeavor to ascertain, with the aid of others' experience, with calm and
careful consideration, with an appeal for guidance from on high, whether
the person he or she proposes to unite their destiny to is the one with
whom, of all the world, they are best adapted to make the journey. If,
as the result of such reflection, they are convinced that the choice is
wise, they may with confidence proceed to take upon themselves the
duties and privileges of the marriage relation. But if such observation
shows that they have heretofore erred, as they value their future
happiness and the happiness of others, let them stop before the vow is
said that indissolubly unites their fate with another's.
Marriage should be made a study. Every youth, both male and female,
should so consider it. It is the grand social institution of humanity.
Its laws and relations are of momentous importance to the race. Should
it be entered blindly, in total ignorance of what it is, what its
conditions of happiness are? The object of courtship is not to woo; it
is not to charm, gratify, or please, simply for the present pleasure. It
is simply for the selection of a life companion—one who must bear,
suffer, and enjoy life with us in all of its forms; in its frowns as
well as smiles, joys, and sorrows—one who will walk pleasantly,
willingly, and confidingly by our side through all the intricate and
changing vicissitudes incident to mortal life.
What is to be sought is a companion, a congenial spirit, one possessed
of an interior constitution of soul similar to our own, of similar age,
opinions, tastes, habits, modes of thought and feeling. A congenial
spirit is one who, under any given combination of circumstances, would
be affected, feel, and act as we ourselves would; it is one who would
approve what we approve and condemn what we condemn, not for the purpose
of agreeing with us, but of his or her own free will. This is a
companion who is already united to us by the ties of spiritual harmony,
which union it is the object of courtship to discover.
Courtship, then, is a voyage of discovery or a court of inquiry,
established by mutual consent of the parties, to see wherein and to what
extent there is a harmony existing. If in all these they honestly and
harmoniously agree, and find a deep and thrilling pleasure in their
agreement, find their union of sentiment to give a charm to their social
intercourse; if now they feel that their hearts are bound as well as
their sentiments in a holy unity, and that for each other they would
live and labor and make every personal sacrifice with gladness, and that
without each other they know not how to live, it is their privilege,
yes, their _duty_ to form a matrimonial alliance.
The true companion has to be sought for. She does not parade herself as
store goods. She is not fashionable. Generally she is not rich. But, oh!
what a heart she has when you find her—so large and pure and womanly.
When you see it you wonder if those showy things outside were really
women. Courtship is the brilliant scene in the maiden life of a woman.
It is to her a garden where no weeds mingle with the flowers, but all is
lovely and beautiful to the sense. It is a dish of nightingales served
up by moonlight to the mingled music of many tendernesses and gentle
whisperings and eagerness, that does not outstep the bounds of delicacy.
Courtship is the first turning point in the life of a woman, crowded
with perils and temptation. The rose tints of affection dazzle and
bewilder the imagination, and while always bearing in mind that life
without love is a wilderness, it should not be overlooked that true
affection requires solid support. Discretion tempers passion, and it is
precisely this quality which oftener than any other is found to be
absent in courtship. Young persons require wise counselors. They should
not trust too much to the impulse of the heart, nor be too easily
captivated by a winning exterior.
In the selection of a wife a pure, loving heart and good common sense
are many times more valuable than personal beauty or wealth. Once
installed in the affections of such a lady, you have a life claim on her
good offices. No sacrifice she can make is too great, no adversity so
stern that it can shake her firmness or hopefulness. Such a woman is a
helpmeet as the Creator designed a wife to be. It is an error, which has
proved fatal to many young lives, to marry one whom you consider your
inferior in mind or body. A wife has the power to make or destroy the
home, and a weak heart and shallow brain can never have the former
effect.
There can be no such a thing as interchange of sentiment where she does
not appreciate your highest thoughts. Can you reveal to her the sacred
treasures of mind, which lie hidden from the careless gaze of others,
and be assured of her sympathy? Can she walk hand in hand with you as
her equal, honored above all women? Is she fit to sit in your household
as a shining light, respected for her gentle dignity and the wisdom of
her management and conversation? The quiet, reserved girl does not
always possess these qualifications; neither does the bright, gay
creature, whose presence throws a halo over her surroundings. The poor
are no more likely to have the proper gifts and trainings than those who
never knew a wish ungratified. But any woman of noble principles, a warm
heart, and good common sense to guide her can easily reach the standard.
There is equal danger before the young lady in her choice of a husband.
Young men inclined to intemperate habits, even but slightly so, as they
have not sufficient moral stamina to enable them to resist temptation
even in its incipient stages, and are consequently deficient in
self-respect, can not possess that pure, uncontaminated feeling which
alone capacitates a man for rightly appreciating the tender and loving
nature of a true woman.
It is equally fatal for a woman to marry a man who is her inferior. She
of necessity descends to his level. Being his superior in every good
sense of the word, she can not have for him that high feeling of regard
which every wife should have for her husband. Lacking that, love too
soon fades away, and only the duties of married life remain; its
pleasures are all gone. What is wanted in both is a true companion; not
one who possesses wealth, not necessarily the possessor of a scholastic
education, but one who has a pure, warm heart and good common sense.
A true courtship is with all a beautiful sight. Only the coarse and
illiterate can there see aught for ridicule or unseemly jest. It is the
flowing together of two separate lives that have heretofore been
divided, now mysteriously brought together to flow on through all time,
and only God in his infinite wisdom knows how far in the shadowy
hereafter.
[Illustration: MARRIAGE.]
[Illustration]
The marriage ceremony is one of the most interesting and solemn
spectacles that social life presents. To see two rational creatures, in
the glow of youth and hope which invests life in a halo of happiness,
appear together and acknowledge their preference for each other,
voluntarily enter into a league of perpetual friendship and amity, and
call on all to witness the sanctity of their vows, awakens deep feeling
in the hearts of all beholders. A holy influence is felt to pervade the
place; the spirit of the hour is sacramental.
Though mirth may abound before and after the irrevocable formula is
spoken, yet at that particular point of time there is a shadow on the
most laughing lip, a moisture in the firmest eye; and it may well be so.
To think of the endearing relations, and the important consequences
which are to flow from it as the couple walk side by side through life,
participating in the same joys and sharing the same sorrows, two weak,
frail human natures thus taking upon themselves, in the sight of God and
man, the weighty duties of a new and untried state of existence, exerts
a solemn influence on all.