“The proper study of mankind in food.”
~~423~~~
Next morning, while our party were at breakfast, who should make his
appearance but Gayfield, whose elasticity of spirits, and volubility of
tongue, appeared, if possible, to have acquired an additional impulse of
action.
“My dear fellow,” he commenced, addressing Bob, “as you are so soon
about to leave us, I feel anxious you should carry with you all the
information possible on that interesting subject, Life in London. Long
as your stay in the Metropolis has been, still, where the subjects
are so varying--so ever varying--so multifarious--and the field for
observation so unlimited, it is impossible but that something must have
escaped your notice.
“I have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom I occasionally
endeavour to amuse with “Sketches of Scenes in London;” and, as I
flatter myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character,
situation, and incident, you shall hear it.”
“Dear Dick--I told you that I was about to have the honour of being
introduced to tin; celebrated Dr. Kitchen. 'He was a man, take him for
all in all, I ne'er shall look upon his like again.' It was evidently
one of 'Nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limb
which appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if they
were purchased at an auction. This little man, who seems born to be
'girded at' by jokers of all classes, sharing the prevalent rage for
notoriety, has written two works, one in the character of a _gourmand_,
and the other of a musician. But not content with the fame he has thus
acquired, he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. Nay,
it was given out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended to
sing at a concert at the Argyle Rooms; and although he has no more voice
than a ~~424~~~ cat, he was under the full impression that his Majesty,
at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call upon him for
a song. The Doctor asked me and Caustic to one of his literary dinners;
and as T have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop _gourmand_, I
make no apology for shewing up a more elevated class of _gastronomes_,
by reporting the Doctor's speech on this occasion.--
“'On entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour of
digestion disposed me to conceive that I should excel in the fraternal
sciences of eating and drinking; and I entertained no doubt but my vapid
organs would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. Taste
has various departments--painting, architecture, sculpture, &c.; but
impressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was to
invent new dishes and devour them, I collected all the culinary writers
from Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds by
gradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to
initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and
to judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are proper
schools for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers,
on account of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and
pay little, could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite
_entrees_. Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twice
subjected to the spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before,
underwent the operation of frying on the following. Cold meat appeared
as hot pie, with many other curious and ingenious devices. Then the wine
was so adulterated, compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look
old before its time, and fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat
perceptibly impregnated with bad brandy, and tasted of every thing
but the grape, that, in about six months, I sickened, and no longer
frequented these tasteless and inhospitable retreats for the hungry.
“'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a “sorry
sight:”--a dozen articles placed at once upon the table--then, on
the removal of the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous
paralytic serving the soup, and scattering it in all directions,
excepting into the plate where it ought to be delivered; ~~425~~~ then
an unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction;
here, an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as
coarsely as the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there,
another simpleton notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a
purblind coxcomb confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on
pigeon-pie, and parsley and butter on roast-beef. All these barbarisms
are unknown at my table.
“'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any
thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to
behold my guests in silence sip their wine. As the glass is held up, the
eye and the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the
nostrils, elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to
a smile. When its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper,
(for observe, to use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in your
mouth) touches the lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest
possible stream to enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained,
and that successive perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in
the gulph of ecstacy.
“'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged
without some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the business
of my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and
provide timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed on
the table with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of
a very moving quality and speedy operation, called “Peristaltic
persuaders.” In an adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an
ordinary washing-tub, with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is
engaged to be in constant attendance till the guests depart.
“'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club,
managed by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine,
and engaged a culinary artist of established reputation. This club was a
diversified assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility and
a few old standards; several members of Parliament, who became very
troublesome by repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the
house, and were, besides, always attempting to reform the club. But this
was less offensive to me than others, as I make it a ~~426~~~ rule never
to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in cookery.
The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous
lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying
their appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients.
There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years,
the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of
expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was
accused of peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly
demonstrating that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert
sprats into red mullet. Several members moved off without paying
their arrears. The managing committee disposed of the premises, plate,
furniture, and wines, and pocketed the money; and thus the club was
dissolved.'
“It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated
'committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps,
have occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted.”
Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob felt
complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of
Metropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morning
determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it
would afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as
were necessary prior to his departure for the country. In passing
Covent Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque
assemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the
following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity and
feelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some time
past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage
in a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and the
monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated
flying pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself
with a bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman
and one of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey however
declined taking any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman
served out the second glass, and the former monkey took his with
apparent gladness. The pieman again seized the monkey ~~427~~~ who
declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standers
called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it
in his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half
drunk by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized
him by the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely
out, only for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish
his hold. The pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a
doctor's shop to get his arm dressed.
Passing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, Bow
Street. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after
listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach
fares, they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience,
by a case, in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, and
which we hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have
a taste for swearing and abuse.