“The music, and the wine,
The garlands, the rose odours, and the flowers,
The sparkling eyes, and flashing ornaments,
The white arms, and the raven hair--the braids
And bracelets--swan-like bosoms, and the necklace,
An India in itself, yet dazzling not the eye
Like what it circled.
All the delusions of the gaudy scene,
Its false and true enchantments--all which
Swam before the giddy eyes.”
~~403~~~
Dashall being wholly occupied by the unexpected affair noticed in our
last Chapter, had left his Cousin and friends to amuse themselves in
the best way they could, prior to the completion of the necessary
arrangements for quitting the metropolis. The party were undecided upon
what object to fix their choice, or how to bend their course; and
while warmly discussing the subject, were suddenly interrupted by the
appearance of Gayfield, who learning that Dashall was from home, and
upon what occasion, broke out with his usual volubility.
“Well, these affairs of honor certainly are imperious, and no doubt
ought to take precedence of every thing else. My object in calling was
chiefly to give him a description of the Countess of ------'s rout on
Saturday last, in Berkeley-square, where I intimated I should be, when
I last fell in with him. '_Oh Ciélo Empireo_.' I'm enchanted yet,
positively enchanted! I ought to have Petrarch's pen to describe such
a scene and such dresses. Then should a robe of Tulle vie with that of
Laura at the church door--that dress of '_Vert parsemée de violets_.'
But softly, let us begin with the beginning, _Bélier mon ami_. What a
galaxy of all the stars of fashion! It was a paradise of loveliness, fit
for Mahomet. All the beauties of the Georgian Æra were present. Those
real graces, their Graces of A------ and R------ were among the number.
~~404~~~ The Countess of L------ and Lady F------ O------ would make one
cry heresy when the poets limit us to a single Venus. And then the Lady
P------'s. Heaven keep us heart-whole when such stars rain their soft
influence upon us. As to the Countess of B------, with her diamond
tiara, and eyes brighter than her diamonds, she looked so goddess-like,
that I was tempted to turn heathenish and worship. Indeed, that bright
eyes should exert their brilliancy amid the dazzling brightness of our
fair and elegant hostess's rooms, is no trifle. Dancing commenced at
eleven; and, although my vanity allured me to think that the favorable
glances of more than one would-be partner were directed towards me,
I felt no inclination to sport a toe in the absence of Lady L. M.
By-the-by, Count C------ told me, with a profusion of foreign compliment,
that I and the 'observed of all observers,' Lord E------h, were the best
drest male personages at the rout.
Thanks to the magical operation of the Schneider, who makes or mars a
man.
“The _coup d'oil_ of the scene was charming. _Cétoit un
vrai délice_--that atmosphere of light, of fragrance, and of
music--gratifying all the senses at once. Oh! what bosoms, arms, and
necks were thronging round me! Phidias, had he attempted to copy them,
would have forgotten his work to gaze and admire. Description fails in
picturing the _tout ensemble_,--the dazzling chandeliers blazing
like constellations--the richly draperied _meubles_--the magnificent
dresses--and then so many eyes, like stars glittering round one; like
'Heaven,' as Ossian says, 'beaming with all its fires.'
“In the midst of my admiration, I was accosted by Caustic, and expressed
my surprise at finding him in such a scene--'A rout,' he replied, 'is
just one of those singular incoherences which supply me with laughter
for a month. Was there ever such a tissue of inconsistencies assembled
as in these pleasure hunts? On stepping from your carriage, you run the
gauntlet through two lines of quizzing spectators, who make great eyes,
as the French term it, at you, and some of whom look as if they took a
fancy to your knee buckles. A double row of gaudy footmen receive you in
the blazing hall, and make your name echo up the stairs, as you ascend,
in a voice of thunder. Your _tête s'exalte_, and when you expect to be
ushered into the Temple of Fame, you find yourself embedded (pardon the
metaphor) in a _parterre_ of female beauty.'
~~405~~~ “As for me,” I replied, interrupting the satirist, “I delight
in such things. I believe that fashion, like kings, can do no wrong.”
“And so you would rather have your ribs beat in, than your name left
out. But look round you, in God's name! what is the whole scene but &
fashionable mob met together to tread on each other's heels and tear
each other's dresses? Positively, you cannot approach the mistress of
the mansion to pay those common courtesies which politeness in all other
cases exacts. And how so many delicate young creatures can bear a heat,
pressure and fatigue, which would try the constitution of a porter, is
_incroyable_. Talk of levelling! This 'is the chosen seat of _égalité_.'
All distinctions of age, grace, rank, accomplishment, and wit, are lost
in the midst of a constantly accumulating crowd. What nerves but those
of pride and vanity, can bear the heat, the blaze of light, the buzz of
voices above, and the roar of announcements from below?”
“While Caustic was speaking, his reasoning received a curious and
apposite illustration. Three or four ladies near us began fainting, or
affected to faint, and hartshorn and gentlemen's arms were in general
requisition. Notwithstanding his acerbity, Caustic, like a preux
chevalier, pressed forward to offer his aid where the pressure was most
oppressive, and where the fainting ladies were dropping by dozens, like
ripe fruit in autumn. As for myself, I was just in time to receive in
my arms a beautiful girl who was on the point of sinking, and, being
provided with hartshorn, my assistance was so effectual, with the aid of
a neighbouring window, that I had the satisfaction of restoring her in
a few minutes to her friends, who did all they could, by crowding round
her with ill-timed condolements, to prevent her recovery. By this time
the rest of the ladies took warning from these little misadventures to
retire. Caustic, in his sardonic way, would insist upon it, that they
retired to avoid that exposure of defects in beauty, which the first
ray of morning produces. I took my _congé_ among the rest, and found
the hubbub which attended my entrance, increased to a tenfold degree
of violence at my exit; for the uproar of calling 'My Lord This's
carriage,' and 'My Lady That's chair,' was nothing in comparison to
the noise produced ~~406~~~ by servants quarrelling, police officers
remonstrating, carriages cracking, and linkboys hallooing. Some of the
mob had, it appeared, made an irruption into the hall, to steal what
great-coats, cocked hats, or pelisses they could make free with. This
was warmly protested against by the footmen and the police, and a
regular set-to was the consequence. Through this 'confusion worse
confounded' I with difficulty made my way to the carriage, and was not
sorry, as the slang phrase is, to make myself scarce.”
The party could not feel otherwise than amused by Gayfield's description
of the rout; and the conversation taking a turn on similar subjects,
Sparkle, ever ambitious of displaying his talent for descriptive humour,
gave the following sketch of a fashionable dinner party:--
“I went with Colonel A------, by invitation, to dine with Lord F.,
in Portman Square. Lord F. is a complete gentleman; and, though sadly
inconvenienced by the gout, received me with that frank, cordial,
and well-bred ease which always characterizes the better class of the
English nobility. The company consisted of two or three men of political
eminence; Lord Wetherwool, a great agriculturist; Viscount Flash, an
amateur of the Fancy; Lord Skimcream, an ex-amateur director of a winter
theatre; Lord Flute, an amateur director of the Opera, whose family
motto, by a lucky coincidence, is '_Opera non Verba_.' There were,
moreover, Mr. Highsole, a great tragedian, and my friend Tom Sapphic,
the dandy poet; one of those bores, the 'Lions' of the season. He had
just brought out a new tragedy, called the 'Bedlamite in Buff,' under
the auspices of Lord Skimcream; and it had been received, as
the play-bills announced, with 'unprecedented, overwhelming, and
electrifying applause.' Of course I concluded that it would live two
nights, and accounted for the dignified _hauteur_ of my friend Tom's
bow, as he caught my eye, by taking into consideration the above-named
unprecedented success. There was also present the universal genius, Dr.
Project, to whom I once introduced you. He is a great chymist, and
a still greater _gourmand_; moreover, a musician; has a hand in the
leading reviews; a share in the most prominent of the daily papers.
“Little was said till the wine and desert were introduced; and then the
conversation, as might naturally be expected from the elements of which
the party was composed, split itself into several subdivisions. As I
sat ~~407~~~ next to Colonel A., I had the advantage of his greater
familiarity with the personages at table. Lord Wetherwool was as absurd
as he could possibly be on the subject of fattening oxen. Lord Flute and
Viscount Flash laid bets on the celerity of two maggots, which they had
set at liberty from their respective nut-shells. The noble ex-director,
Highsole and Sapphic, were extremely warm in discussing the causes of
the present degradation of the stage; each shuffling the responsibility
from the members of their own profession and themselves. Dr. Project
entertained his noble host with an interminable dissertation upon
oxygen, hydrogen, and all the _gens_ in the chemical vocabulary; for
patience in enduring which his Lordship was greatly indebted to his
preparatory fit of the gout. Meanwhile, the lordling exquisites only
fired off a few 'lady terms,' like minute guns and 'angel visits,' with
long intervals between, filling up the aforesaid intervals by sipping
Champagne and eating _bonbons_. The essence of what they said, amounted
to mutual wonder at the d------d run of luck last night, in King-street;
or mutual felicitation on the new faces which had appeared that day, for
the first time, among the old standing beauties who charm Bond-street,
at lounge hours, either in curricle or on foot. For my part, I was
attracted towards the discussion of the dramatic trio, not because I
affect, as the cant of the day is, to have a particular attrait towards
the _belles lettres_, but merely because the more plebeian disputants
were vociferous, (a thing not often observed among fashionables) and
_outré_ in their gesticulations, even to caricature. 'What do you think
of their arguments?' I inquired, _sotte voce_, of Colonel A. 'If we are
to be decided by their conjoint statements, no one is to blame for the
degradation of the stage.'
“'They are all in the right,' returned he, '(excuse the paradox,)
because they are all in the wrong. There is a rottenness in the whole
theatrical system, which, unless it terminate, like manure thrown at
the root of trees, in some new fructification of genius, will end by
rendering the national theatres national nuisances. With reference to
the interests of literature, they are a complete hoax. To please the
manager, the object which the writer must have in view, he must not
paint nature or portray character, but write up, as the cant phrase
is, to the particular forte of Mr. So and So, or Miss Such-a-one. The
consequence is, that the public get only one species of fare, and that
is pork, varied indeed, as broiled, baked, roasted, and boiled; but
still pork, nothing but pork.'
~~408~~~ “'But surely,' I rejoined, 'Mr. Sapphic and Mr. Highsole
are gentlemen of high acquirements, independently of their several
professions, or a nobleman of Lord F------'s taste and discrimination--'
“'There you are falling into an error,' returned the colonel,
interrupting me; 'it is the fashion to introduce actors at the tables of
our great men; but, in my opinion, it is a 'custom more honored in the
breach than the observance.' I have known several good actors on the
stage, very indifferent actors in society, and large characters in the
play-bills, as well as loud thunders from the gods, may be earned by
very stupid, very vulgar, and very ill-bred companions. The same may
be said of poets. We are poor creatures at best, and the giant of
a reviewer very often cuts but a very sorry figure when left to the
ricketty stilts of his own unsupported judgment in a drawing-room. You
are tolerably familiar with our political parties; but you are yet to
be acquainted with our literary squads, which are the most bigotted,
selfish, exclusive, arrogant, little knots of little people it is
possible to conceive.'
“By the time that Colonel A------had ended his short initiation into
these various arcana, the company broke up; the doctor to give a lecture
on egg-shells at the Committee of Taste; Lord Flute to visit the Opera;
Lord Skimcream to the Green Boom; Lord Flash to 'Fives Court,' to see a
set-to by candle-light; the exquisites to Bouge et Noir or Almack's;
and Lord Wetherwool to vote on an agricultural question, without
understanding a syllable of its merits.
“Nevertheless,” I soliloquized as I rode home, “his Lordship will
be surprised and gratified, I dare say, to find himself a perfect
Demosthenes in the newspaper reports of to-morrow morning. Hems, coughs,
stammerings, blowing of the nose, and ten-minute lapses of memory,
all vanish in passing through the sieves and bolters of a report. What
magicians the reporters are! What talents, what powers of language they
profusely and gratuitously bestow! Somnus protect me from hearing any
but some half dozen orators in both houses! The reader, who peruses the
report, has only the flour of the orator's efforts provided for him.
But Lord help the unfortunate patient in the gallery, who, hopeless
of getting through the dense mass which occupy the seats round him, is
condemned to sit with an 'aching head,' and be well nigh choaked with
the husks and the bran.”
~~409~~~ Our party felt so much amused by these lively and
characteristic pictures of real life among the Corinthians of the
Metropolis, that all thoughts of seeking amusement out of doors appeared
for the present relinquished; and Sparkle, to keep the subject alive,
resumed as follows.
“In order to give some shade and variety to this sketch of society
in the west, we will now, if agreeable, travel eastward as far as the
entrance to the City, where I will introduce you, in fancy, to what must
(at least to our friend Tallyho) afford both novelty and surprise.
“Some time ago, and before I was quite so well versed in the knowledge
of Life in London as at present, through the medium of one of the 'young
men of genius about town,' I became a member of a new philosophical
society called the Socratics, held at a certain house near Temple Bar.
Having been plucked by several kind friends, till I resembled the 'man
of Diogenes,' I concluded that here, at least, my pockets might be
tolerably safe from the diving of a friendly hand. Philosophers, I was
told by my friend the introducer, had souls above money; their thoughts
were too sublime and contemplative for such worldly-minded concerns.
I should have a great deal of instruction for little or nothing; I had
only to pay my two guineas per annum, and the business was done; the
gate of science was open, and nothing farther was requisite than to push
forward and imitate Socrates. But how strangely do our anticipations
mislead our sober judgments!
'Jove breaks the tallest stilts of human trust,
And levels those who use them with the dust.'
“The proprietor of the institution was rather courtier-like in
making promises, which the managers of course considered as much too
common-place and mechanical to be kept. It professed to exclude politics
and religion from the touch of its scientific paws; in other words, from
its discussions; but, alas!
'It kept the word of promise to the ear
And broke it to the hope.'
~~410~~~ “The only subjects which it did not exclude were politics
and religion. Neither could it be said that either of these subjects
received more benefit from the way in which they were handled, than
a white dress would from the handling of a chimney-sweeper, the first
being made as black as possible in the form of Tom-Payneism, and the
latter served up in the improved shape of Hartleyism or Atheism. Under
such instruction it was scarcely possible but that I should, in process
of time, become qualified, not only for a philosopher, but a legislator
of the first water; and I had serious thoughts of offering my services,
for the purpose of drawing up a code of laws, to the Otaheitans or the
Calmucks. If I had gone on improving as I did, I might, perhaps, have
carried out to some Backwood settlement or Atlantic island, as pretty a
Utopian prescription, under the designation of a constitution, as could
well be desired in the most philosophical community. But one of those
sad trifles which suffocate great ideas, and sometimes terminate in
suffocating philosophers, put a stop to my further enlightenment for the
present, by drying up the treasury of the Socratics. The philosophers
were the most civil as well as the most unfortunate people in the world.
One or other of them was always in want of money, either to perfect
some great scheme, or to save him from the unscientific 'handling' of a
bailiff. It was enough to move a mile-stone, to think how the progress
of improvement, or 'march of mind,' as it is called, might be delayed by
being too cold-hearted; and it did move my purse to such a degree, that
at length I had the satisfaction of discerning truth, sitting sola, at
the bottom of it. My pocket consumption, however, was not instant, but
progressive; it might be called a slow fever. Some of the philosophers
visited me for a loan, like a monthly epidemy; others drained me like
a Tertian; and one or two came upon me like an intermittent ague,
every other day. Among these was Mr. Hoaxwell, the editor, as he called
himself, of a magazine. This fellow had tried a number of schemes in
the literary line, though none had hitherto answered. But he had the
advantage and credit of shewing in his own person, the high repute in
which literature is held in London, for he could seldom walk the streets
without having two followers at his heels, one of whom frequently tapped
him on the shoulder, no doubt, to remind him of mortality, like the
slave in the ~~411~~~ Roman triumphs. The favourite thesis of this
gentleman, was the 'march of mind;' and on this subject he would spout
his half hour in so effectual a manner, as to produce two very opposite
effects; viz. the closing of the eyes of the elder philosophers, and
the opening of mine, which latter operation was usually rendered more
effectual by his concluding inquiry of 'have you such a thing as a pound
note about you?'
To match this saint, there was another,
As busy and perverse a brother.
“This was the treasurer of the Socratics, Thomas Carney Littlego, Esq.
and a treasure of a treasurer he was. This gentleman was a pupil of
Esculapius, and united in his own person the various departments of
dentist, apothecary, and surgeon. It is presumed that he found the
employment of drawing the eye teeth of Philosophical Tyros more
profitable, and bleeding the young Socratics more advantageous, than
physicking his patients. In his lectures he advocated the system of
research, and admired deduction; and this I, among many others, had
reason, at last, to know. It was very odd, but so it was, that some two
or three hundred per annum, subscribed by the members of the society,
vanished into the worthy treasurer's pocket, as it were a Moskoestron,
and then disappeared for ever.
“Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moonshine, Esquire. This
gentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face,
and a mouth--the chief characteristic of which was, that it made a
diagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was a
great speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond the
blue mountains in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as he
possessed, according to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and no
one will discount a check from the aforesaid wit on change, the zeal
of Epictetus Moonshine, some time after the breaking up of the Socratic
institution for benefitting the human race, so much got the better of
self-love, that he committed several petty larcenies in hopes of being
transported thither; but whether his courage or his luck failed him,
certain it is that he never reached the proper degree of criminality,
and only succeeded in visiting by turns the various penitentiaries in
London and its vicinity.
~~412~~~ “'You mistake greatly, Sir,' said he, to one of the visiting
governors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of his talents in such a
position, 'if you think a residence in this sequestered haunt a subject
of regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its own seat, and able of itself
to make--
'A heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.'
And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picture
which I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no such
thing as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination;
that the idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, --written in
fourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, with
a new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'll
excuse me.' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping his
blanket round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubt
attracted him from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot to
pay some score pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more of
him.
“The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr.
Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and his
tragedy called the 'Mines of Peru,' by which he of course expected to
make his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager,
in order to hear tidings of its being 'cast,' and four more in trying to
get it back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled,
and nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he well
might do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that he
knew nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru.' At last Mr.
Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he was
at leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Mines
of Peru,' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, to
preserve it from the scorching influence of the fire.
“This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and I
ventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why,' said he,
'I first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials,
who finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction,
telling me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined
in Bedlam; and another was become dozed with ~~413~~~ drinking drams.
An agreement was made,' continued he, 'and I think I earned five-pence
halfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with the muses.
But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the pleasure of
supping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my thoughts to
prose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during a week of
gloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of which I
subsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good meal
upon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction,
but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource.'
“But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: “By the time that
the philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleaned
me entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loan
would be desirable; they were not nice--not they; a pair of globes; a
set of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antique
busts; or a collection of books for the library;--any old rum, as
Jack.'said, would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loans
would be most punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, for
the lender was never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loan
again. I was, indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globes
and instruments at a pawnbroker's, and the fragments of my library at
sundry book-stalls. It was now high time to cut the connection, for the
Socratics were rapidly withdrawing. The association, for want of the
true golden astringent, like a dumpling without its suet, or a cheap
baker's quartern loaf without its 'doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to
pieces. The worthy treasurer had retired, seizing on such articles as
were most within reach; and when I called upon him with my resignation,
I had the pleasure of seeing my own busts handsomely lining the walls of
the toothdrawer's passage. I waited on the Socratics for the Bums they
had been so polite as to borrow.--One, to shew that he had profited by
studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me and the society of a plot to
overturn the government, if a syllable more on so low a subject as money
was mentioned. Another told me that he was just going on a visit to
Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad to see me when he came
back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind as to inform me that
~~414~~~ he 'had just got white-washed, and he did not care one straw
for my black looks.' And a fourth, an index-maker, when presented
with his acceptance, kindly indicated that he had not the slightest
recollection of the thing, and that, if I persisted in compelling
payment, he would bring a philosophical gentleman from Cold Bath
Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear that it was not his
hand-writing.
“The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce,
there was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly
laying a horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded
me of the proverb--'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a _baculine_ joke over
their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers
were not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of
mind,' and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and
the mud from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall
he not be denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in
quiet possession of the busts--the book-stall displayed the properly
appreciated volumes--and the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the
world of 'value received.'”
Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amusements
out of doors, was passed in animated and amusing conversation over the
hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and
humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy god.