you're going to say. Why don't you fellows vary your song and
dance--just for luck? G'wan. Get out of the way!' And he tried to
side-step us. With a quick glance over his shoulder, my new acquaintance
shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the prosperous one. Skyward
the podgy, bejeweled hands, and we deftly went through him, securing his
wallet, watch, scarf-pin, and then stripped his fingers of their
adornment. It was over in a flash, and the fat man on his back by a
dexterous push and go-down which the Japs might add with advantage to
their much-vaunted jiu-jitsu.
[Illustration: "--Shoved a revolver right up in the teeth of the
prosperous one!"]
"'Beat it!' urged my companion, and 'beat it' we did; dropping casually
but hurriedly into a corner saloon, then through a side entrance out
into another street. I looked at my friend admiringly.
"'I suppose there's hell to pay around the corner just now,' said he
coolly; 'but we are as safe here as if we were in Jersey City--and
safer. Still, it won't do to linger. Come this way,' and he led me into
a lunch-room of the baser sort.
"'Sit here, at this table, and I will eat at the counter. We had best
not be seen together, though they would never look for us here.' I gazed
at him in amazement. My bearded friend had become smooth-shaven! His
neck, but a moment before collarless, was now surrounded by a high
white-washed wall; he flashed a crimson tie, and somehow his clothes
looked newer and sprucer. Of all the lightning-change acts I have ever
seen, this was certainly the extreme tip of the limit!
"'What do you think of it?' he asked, grinning, jamming his whiskers
still further into his pocket.
"'Wonderful!' said I.
"'Now,' said he confidently, '_I_ am absolutely safe, and I don't think
the stout party saw _you_. Don't worry. I caught only my reflection in
the little swinish eyes. I saw nothing in the background. What'll you
have to eat? There seems to be enough in the pocket-book--which I ought
to empty and chuck--to buy up several lunch-rooms, with the Waldorf
thrown in for good measure.'
"'How much?' I asked.
"'Not now,' he whispered, 'not now. Wait until we get out. The
proprietor is looking at us. Here's coffee, and pie, and sandwiches--ice
cream--oh, anything you like!'
"We munched in silence and he pushed up a twenty-dollar bill in payment,
much to the surprise of the man behind the counter. The change pocketed,
we strolled out leisurely, picking our teeth with easy nonchalance.
"'I hated to give that fellow the double cross, but really, old cock,
that is the smallest denomination in the bundle. Wander down to the
Battery with me and we will investigate further.'
"'You're an Englishman,' I essayed knowingly. 'I am on to the lingo.'
"'Not on your life!' said he. Born in Newark, New Jersey, deah boy, I
assure you--right back of the gas-house; what? These togs o' mine were
handed out to me by an old pal--a cockney valet--and the accent goes
with 'em, don't ye know?'
"'I'm on,' said I, sadder but wiser, and then relapsed into reverie.
"The Battery was thronged as usual, but we found a bench away from
prying eyes.
"'Gee whiz! Jumping Jerusalem! Julius Caesar! Joe Cannon!' murmured my
friend as he emptied the stuffing of the wallet into his hat. 'Am I
dreaming again? I've often dreamt that I have found a bunch of
money--picking it out of the gutter, usually--dimes, quarters,
halves--bushels of 'em! But this is different--oh, so different! Can it
be real? Am I on the boards again? Can it be only stage mon----? Look
here; isn't this a windfall? Isn't this a monumental rake-off for a
non-profesh? Heaven knows I'm but an amateur in this line--normally an
honest man, with but slightly way-ward tendencies. Whooping
O'Shaughnessy! Just look! Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty
one-hundreds--that's eleven thousand! A sheaf of fifties and twenties,
swelling the total to something like twelve thousand! Hoo-ray! Again I
ask, am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn
over, dearie, and go to sleep again! Twelve thousand plunks! Wouldn't
that everlastingly unsettle you? Well, well, well! Not so bad for a
moment's effort before breakfast, eh? Ain't it simply grand, Mag? I
wonder who and what our friend is, anyway. He wasn't dressed just for
the part of bank messenger, though he had the inside lining, all right!
A pursy old broker, I guess. Might have been a book-maker--you never can
tell. Anyhow, I am sort o' sorry for the chap. It would break _me_ all
up if I lost a wad of that size! Who is he? Hell, what a fool I am! Here
is the name on the flap of the wallet.
ABNER MCNAMEE,
24 Broadway, New York.
"'Abner McNamee! Abner McNamee!! Abner Mac----! Ain't this the limit!
Abner McNamee! We can't take this money! Just my damned, hydra-headed
luck! You hear me? It has always been that way with me--all my life! We
can't take this money, pardner! It's got to be returned! This money's
all got to go back--every cent of it! Ain't it a shame? Abner McNamee! I
oughter have known him at the time, but I only saw him once, and that
was years ago. He has taken on a lot of flesh since then. Abner McNamee!
Who'd 'a' thought it?'
"'Who the devil is Abner McNamee?' I asked, scenting treachery. This was
a share and share alike affair, and no crooked work, and--I needed the
money! 'What's the game--this McNamee business? Do you think I am a
fool?'
"'Look here, pal,' said my companion quietly, 'say bye-bye to your
dirigible and drop to the ground. You're all up in the air. Of course we
are together in this thing. I've no thought of doing you. I know you can
make trouble if you want to. You could turn me over to the first cop
that heaves in sight, and there's one over there now--why don't you do
it? Of course _I_ would have something to say in that event, and then
there would be _two_ of us in trouble; and with Abner confronting the
pair, the odds would be all in my favor. He'd never recognize _me_! No,
sir! But what's the use of hot-airing like this? Be good, now, and
listen to me. We can't, can't, can't keep this money! Do you hear? Now
let it filter through your make-up--slowly at first, and then as fast as
you like. Honest, pal, we've got to give it back!'
"'Why?' I asked, still skeptical.
"'Oh, what's the use of your going on like that? You worry me with your
fool questions! Here, take it all and accept the responsibility, and I
will leave you! Here--take it! Take it, you idiot!'
"Somehow, I hesitated--held back by Heaven knows what.
"'No,' said he, returning the wallet to his pocket, 'I thought not! You
know a thing or two after all. You haven't lost your mind. Looks are
deceptive sometimes.' I instantly regretted my indecision.
"'What's the matter with the money?' I asked. 'I was just kidding you.
Give it to me. Hand it over. I will take it.'
"'Never-r-r! Never-r-r!' he whispered mysteriously. 'This money belongs
to THE CAUSE!'
"'Oh, come off!' said I with a foxy wink. Don't you think because I am a
countryman I gambol exclusively on the green. I am not altogether to the
emerald by a pailful! I've got you where I want you, and you know it!
Quit your fooling and hand over the wallet! There's a cop over there
now,' I added meaningly.
"'Yes, over there--I see him,' said my companion slowly. 'A cop--a very
necessary evil, highly ornamental cops are, and occasionally useful. Now
kindly look over _this_ way, deah boy, and you'll see two more of 'em.'
"I looked, and then----WOW! (The Milky Way.)
* * * * *
"They took me to Bellevue, and three days later I found myself echoing,
'Six one-thousand-dollar bills, fifty one-hundreds--that's eleven
thousand. A sheaf of fifties and twenties, swelling the total to
something like twelve thousand! Hooray! Am I dreaming? Pinch me, I'll
stop snoring, 'deed I will. I'll turn over, dearie, and go to sleep
again! Twelve thousand plunks. Well, well, well! Not so bad for a
moment's effort before breakfast, eh?'
"And my nurse smiled wearily."
* * * * *
"That New York is a fearful and wonderful place," said Colonel
Manysnifters gravely. "I will never forget the first time I went there
as a young man. Why, I didn't get any sleep at all! The first night I
was there I turned in about two-thirty, took off my clothes, and got in
bed; but it seemed sort of foolish and wasteful. Sleep in New York?
Well, hardly. I argued that I could do that at home--and me paying three
dollars a day! So I got right up, dressed, and started out to see the
sights. It was about three o'clock then, and there wasn't any one around
but the night clerk and myself. I asked him if he couldn't lock up the
house and go out with me for a little while. He smiled, and said that he
would like to do it, but he was afraid the boss might kick; so we had a
drink together, and I went by myself. I was a green boy then and didn't
know any better, but I am on to the little old town now, all right! They
all know me up there. As soon as I get off the ferry, perfect strangers
come up, call me by name, shake hands, and slip me a card. I don't mean
to brag, but I know the location of every poolroom in the city! I have a
friend in New York who writes the dramatic criticisms for the
moving-picture shows; he puts me in touch with the theatrical and
newspaper element, and I have seen some high old times up there, I tell
you! One night--but, hold on--I've had my inning, Mr. O'Brien is at the
bat, I think."
[Illustration: "--Writes the dramatic criticisms for the moving picture
shows."]
Mr. O'Brien blushingly admitted the charge.
"This is the first time I ever spoke in public," said the young man
modestly, "and I crave your indulgence. If you don't mind, I will tell
you about Judge Waddington and myself at Atlantic City last summer.
Every one in Washington knows the Judge, and hopes that some day
Congress will take up his claim and adjust it satisfactorily. The old
gentleman is about all in, but we are doing what we can for him."
XII
O'BRIEN'S NARRATIVE
"I met him on the Boardwalk, and asked him where he was stopping.
"'Oh, a nice, home-like place--right over there,' indicating its
position by a careless wave of the hand; 'nice place, quiet, no music at
meals, or that sort of thing. Good cooking, no dogs or children. I came
down here to rest. None of the glare and glitter of the Boardwalk hotels
for me; no, sir!'
"'What's the name of your place?' I asked.
"'Hasn't any name--just a private cottage; old Southern family, one or
two paying guests, you know. They have been coming here for years; never
took boarders before, but the head of the house was caught in the
Knicknack Trust affair last fall. Funny how many were hurt by that
bust-up. Nearly all the boys down in Washington say they were stung. As
I remarked, old man Montgomery is rather hard up just now; but proud,
dev'lish proud, sir. I consider it a privilege to be taken in. They have
rented the cottage next door for their guests. Every convenience.'
"All very fine, but the Judge avoided my direct gaze. Seaward he turned
a shifty eye, and I knew that he was lying. He looked depressed and down
at the heel, and bore the signs of recent illness. I led him,
unresisting to the nearest cafe, and properly stimulated, he told me
that the Washington summer had proven too much for him, that the boys
had kindly advanced the wherewithal for a two weeks' stay at the shore,
and that he had been very sick, but already felt like a new man.
"I ordered another.
"'While I am very snugly fixed down here, Patsy,' said he
confidentially, 'I must confess I was a little disappointed in the
location of the cottage. From the picture on the letter-head the waves
seemed to be curling under the Boardwalk onto the lower steps of the
front porch. Every room with a sea view, and no mosquitos, the circular
said. But the printer evidently got hold of the wrong form. We are a
durn sight nearer Atlantic Avenue than the Atlantic Ocean!'
"'Regularly buncoed, eh?' I ventured.
"'As a matter of proximity to the sea, yes. But I am sure the
Montgomerys are not a party to the deceit. They took the printed matter
along with the new cottage, I reckon. How long will you be down, Patsy?'
"'Just the week-end, sir. My, but look over there!' Our eyes were glued
on the entrance. Framed in the doorway, with the glare of the white
street as a background, stood one of the finest examples of the early
Gothic I have ever seen. She gazed haughtily about the room, and at the
waiters who rushed to her side. She selected the table next to ours, and
dropped into a seat, her attenuated form sharply at right angles, like a
half-closed jack-knife. With long bony fingers glistening with rings she
raised her veil, and opening a chatelaine bag, pulled out a
handkerchief, smelling salts, and a gold-meshed purse. Then, with a
murmured order to the waiter, she settled herself comfortably, and with
an imperial uplift of the pointed chin the foxy face swung slowly around
to us and settled with a grimace of recognition upon the Judge. My old
friend reddened, and moved about uneasily.
[Illustration: "Framed in the doorway ... stood one of the finest
examples of the early Gothic I have ever seen."]
"'Pardon me a moment,' said he, rising and starting over to her.
"'Why, Judge Waddington, what a delightful thurprise,' shrilled the lady
of peroxide in a voice that carried all over the room and back as far as
the bar.
"'When did you come down? Thith ith thertainly fine.' The judge mumbled
something which I did not catch--it sounded like 'Oh, hell!'
"'Here, Patrick,' he said, without enthusiasm, 'I want you to meet a
friend of mine.'
"An introduction to Miss Clarice de Dear, who had appeared in the
original Black Crook company with Lydia Thompson, was no every-day
occurrence in my hum-drum existence, and I was perhaps visibly affected.
She overlooked it, and greeted me with girlish enthusiasm.
"'Tho glad,' she lisped, 'to meet any friend of the dear Judge's, and
ethpethially you. I have heard tho much about you.' I wondered what in
the devil she had heard. 'I've known Judge Waddington ever since I was a
little tot.'
"'And not so long, either,' said the Judge gallantly--and grimly. The
fair one shot a curious glance at him, and smiled a smile, sour in its
exceeding sweetness.
"'I have often heard the Judge mention your name. 'Twath only the other
night he thaid----What will I have? nothing, thanks, I have just
ordered.' But she joined us later, and still later, when the
conversation became general; that is, we all tried to talk at once.
"From the Judge's attitude I gathered that he was commencing to
celebrate the birthday of some famous man or the anniversary of a great
battle. He never drank otherwise. To-day, he informed me, he was tanking
up in honor of Bolivar, the great South American Liberator.
"'Ah, Bolivar! Great man, Bolivar! Waiter!'
"'Yes, sir!'
"'The same!'
"From Miss de Dear, 'midst smiles and tears, I gleaned that she had once
adorned the stage, pursued always by the jealousy of her less-talented
sisters. Heaven knows she couldn't help the gifts of Nature which had
come to her through no effort of her own--her birthright. The de Dears
were all that way, as far back as Sir Something-or-the-other de Dear who
came over with the Conqueror--and her mother's first cousin went to the
Philadelphia Assembly--how could she help it? _Noblesse Oblige!_ All the
girls were jealous--the cats! Anyhow, she had quit the scene of her
early triumphs, lured by the attractive offer of a vaudeville manager.
In this new field she appeared for a short time; but when on the roof
they put her on the programme sandwiched between a troup of performing
dogs and a bunch of bum acrobats--she kicked! Any self-respecting
artiste would have done the same! I agreed with her. She, too, like the
Montgomerys, and other noble families, had been caught in the Knicknack
disaster, and her savings swept away; and rather than be dependent upon
the bounty of an immensely wealthy English aunt, she had consented to
represent a great New York publishing house.
"'The World's Famous Fat Men,' twenty volumes; cloth, levant, or
half-calf; ten dollars down, and a dollar a month far into the hazy
future. Of course this was hardly the place to talk business, she said,
but I had her card and knew where to find her. Every one should have the
work. All the best people in New York, Philadelphia, Sioux City, and
other places were putting it into their libraries, and so on, and so on.
"This flotsam and jetsam of her talk came to me from time to time as
confidential asides from the main flow of palaver which rolled along
steadily toward the Judge. The Judge, poor fellow, showed plainly the
effects of the struggle; so much so, that I suggested a stroll up the
Boardwalk.
"We arose with an effort, and went out to meet the bracing air.
"'Ah, the thea, the thea; the dear, dear thea! Always tho--er--wet and
rethleth. I inherit a love for the water from my father's great uncle
who was an Admiral in the British Navy.' As this was the first
intimation Miss de Dear had given as to a fondness for water, except on
the side, I felt that living and learning were synonymous terms. So,
perhaps, did the Judge, who said, apropos of nothing in particular,
'When I was in California in fifty-nine, I saw a snake over forty-seven
feet long. The onery rascal wouldn't coil up, and they had to carry him
from place to place on flat cars. Now what do you think of _that_?' Miss
de Dear gazed dreamily out at the tossing waves, and said nothing, while
I caught hold of the Judge's elbow to steady him. Plainly the
celebration was on.
"'My dear, dear Patsy,' he said affectionately.
"'Oh, I tell you what let'h do,' said the maiden impulsively; 'let'h go
and have our fortunes told. I am dying to have mine told. Last night I
dreamt for the third time that Aunt Genevieve had died and left me all
her money. Maybe there is something in it. The palm of my left hand has
been itching all day.'
"So to the fortune-teller's we went.
[Illustration: Professor Habib.]
"Professor Habib was a Parsee, with features Irish in their intensity.
As I gazed at him I thought of the far-reaching kinship of man. Here was
a Fire-worshipper out of Persia, who for all the world looked like my
brother Mick; and God knows Mick's no Parsee! Habib wore his native
costume with a little red fez on top.
"'Be seated,' he said courteously; again reminding me of Mick.
"'Which one first?' he asked, pointing to a little inner room curtained
from view. The Judge suggested genially that we all go in together, but
the professor explained that one at a time was his invariable rule.
"'Oh, all right, all right,' said the judge, somewhat miffed; 'far be it
from me to--to----'
"'Ladies first,' said I.
"''Tis well,' said the professor, with a salaam; and the pair
disappeared behind the draperies.
"'I wonder how long they are going to stay,' said the Judge, after we
had waited some fifteen minutes. The conversation behind the arras, at
first low and murmuring, was becoming animated. I distinctly heard the
Parsee say, 'Who are the blaggards ye've brought here wid ye?' followed
by an unintelligible reply.
"'What did he say?' queried the Judge, looking up sharply.
"'I don't understand Parsee, sir,' said I.
"'That was no foreign tongue; that was American--with a brogue. I don't
like that. Let's hurry them up. I say, what time is it?'
"We reached for our watches. They were gone! Instinctively I felt for my
wallet. Gone! My scarf-pin. Gone!
"We made a wild rush for the little inner room.
"Miss de Dear? Gone! And the Parsee? Gone!
* * * * *
"Later, when we had made our report to the police, and I was guiding the
Judge home, I asked:
"Who is this de Dear? Where did you know her?"
"'Never laid eyes on her before!' growled the Judge."
* * * * *
"Another 'Jewel'!" said Colonel Manysnifters. "You find them
everywhere."
XIII
AN UNINVITED GUEST
In the lull following Mr. O'Brien's story the conductor and porter went
hurriedly through the car out to the rear platform; where, it seems,
they had been summoned by the brakeman. They quickly reappeared with as
bedraggled and woebegone a specimen of humanity as it has ever been my
misfortune to see. An unwashed, evil-smelling, half-frozen Hobo was
dragged into the car, to our utter amazement!
"Hold on a minute, conductor," said Colonel Manysnifters, as they were
rushing the captive through. "What have you here? Where did you get him?
Who are you, sir?" asked he of the tramp. "Who are you, I say, and what
are you doing on this strictly private outfit?"
[Illustration: An uninvited guest.]
The tramp, quite unabashed, blew upon his fingers to warm them, picked
up a cigar stump from the floor, lighted it, and looking around the
group said courteously, though with a bored expression:
"Gentlemen, I got on your train about the time you did, though hardly in
the same way. A ride on the trucks and brakebeams, while exhilarating in
the extreme at the outset, soon becomes wearying and nerve-racking, so
at the last water tank I made bold to take up my quarters on the rear
platform, with an occasional climb to the roof for observation and
change. But, my, it is cold out there! If it hadn't been for my friend
here," exhibiting a flask, "I would have frozen to death. Alas, poor
fellow, he is empty now!" and he held it up to the light.
"It grew very dark and bitter as the night wore on; then the blizzard
caught us; but even in spite of that, I fell into a doze, to be rudely
awakened by this fellow--but what can you expect from a person of that
kind?" Here the brakeman gave a scornful grunt, and the conductor smiled
broadly.
"After all," the tramp continued affably, between cigar puffs, "their
lot is a hard one, and it is not for me to cast the first stone. So here
I am, gentlemen, right with you, and my fate is quite in your hands."
This with a magnificent wave of a grimy paw, and something approaching a
curtsy.
"You should get down on your knees, fellow, and thank this brakeman. He
undoubtedly saved your life. It would have been your last sleep if he
had not come along! Where is your gratitude?" asked Senator Pennypacker
severely.
"You may be right, sir," said the tramp politely. "I don't dispute your
word. I _ought_ to be friendly with that fellow, as I see he is a
brother of mine. He belongs to my order. I can tell by his
watch-charm--that square bit of enamel with the rising sun in the
middle, and the letters 'I. O. U.' in red, white, and blue, around it.
Yes, he is O. K. I have been a member of many fraternities, and in
better days I was the keeper of the 'Hoot Mon' in our local Caledonian
club. Brother, accept my thanks. Perhaps some of these days I may be
able to repay you with something more substantial." The brakeman
laughed, and by this time we were all in a melting mood. Senator Bull
reached instinctively into his trousers pocket, and Mr. Ridley did the
same.
"Just a moment, gentlemen, just a moment," said Colonel Manysnifters.
"Now, sir," said he to the tramp, "we have been telling stories here
to-night--some of them fair, some pretty bad. Let us hear what you can
do in that line. We will give you a chance. If you don't make good we
will put you off at the next station and turn you over to the
authorities. Captain," to the conductor, "and you, President Madison,
take our friend into the next car, give him something to eat and drink,
wash him up a bit--several bits--and let him come back here and do his
best."
"Sir, I thank you," said the tramp with dignity. "Your idea is a great
and noble one. My stomach is so empty that it hangs about me in folds.
You have all doubtless seen a balloon awaiting the kindly offices of the
gas-man--that's me. But it will soon be remedied. Adieu for the
present." He left us, with the conductor in the lead and the grinning
darky at his heels.
"The nerve of those hoboes is something astonishing," said Colonel
Manysnifters, walking up and down, and filling the car with smoke in
order to cover up all traces of our visitor. I'll bet a thousand dollars
that that fellow had as good a chance at the start as any of us,--just
threw himself away,--whiskey, I suppose, or women, or the platers--the
combination more likely. Did you ever see such eyes?--like two burnt
holes in a blanket!"
"Yet he has the manners of a gentleman, and seems to have had some
education," said Van Rensselaer. "Did you notice his small hands and
rather classic profile? Bathed, shaven, manicured, and properly clothed,
he would be much like the rest of us--externally so, at least."