dipping angly-worm in puddle. But sucker-fish no care for diet just then
and perch on bottom making smiles through gills.
Nichi Nichi is excited by obstinacy of sucker-fish. He put on
caterpillar-bait. Nothing to do. He try corn-beef diet for fishes.
They refusal, thank you. He spit on bait to bring favour of fish-god.
Sucker-fish not care for this pains-taking, howeverly.
Then philosopher Nichi Nichi enjoy angry rage throwing fish-pole to
grass, tearing beard and speeching these:
“O tell me, sucker-fish, is it not truth that you are reputed most easy
of all fish that practise swimming in these brook near Yeddo?”
And them twelve thousand sucker-fish, making smiles through gills, raise
fins to universal sky and response,
“Oh Nichi Nichi, philosopher, we are that.”
“Then tell me to know, idiotic waggle-tails, why you no care for
delicious baits I provide for eating?”
“Because this,” reject all them fish together flipping tails to dog-star,
“we have ate them baits before—caterpillar, angly-worm, corn-beef—we have
ate and been catched by those. Never again, thank you so much.”
“Oh, quite well!” exclamation that great man. “Then I shall offer you
some new rare bait which fishes shall eat only this once time, because so
scarce to get.”
With these remark the wise Nichi Nichi take all baits off from hook.
Then he drop bare hook in stream. All them sucker-fish cease to smile
with gills and make hungry grab at hook, because this (they thinked to
themselves) was such rare chance.
As consequence of this excitement Nichi Nichi catch 12,000 sucker-fish in
1 hour 20 minutes. These he made into canned salmon and grow very wealthy
from such a Graft.
At time of death-bed he remarked to wife and children, “It would be
sinful to waste good Bait on poor Fishes.”
So this proverb is pasted on all important Japanese tombs today:
“The gods have fixed the little brooks so that one sucker-fish is born
each minute by clocktime. Who shall catch him, you or I?”
Hoping your printing-factory is doing good by all news and best wishes to
friends,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
VI
HON. NIGGERS, WAS THEY FREED BY LINCOLN?
SAN FRANCISCO, Jan. 29th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper where Truth is oftenly found on
shrines & Virtue sets in very comfortable rocking-chair._
DEAREST SIR—Japanese Schoolboys does not addict therselves to gleeful
laugh of mirth, because some Noble Thought might escape away never to be
catched. What say American songer, Hon. Seth Lowell, about almanac:
“What is so scarce as a day in June?”
Answer is: A Noble Thought is more scarcer!
And yet this morning-time I was uttering several gleeful screams which
was unavoidable to dodge. Editorial of newspaper-print say, “Hon.
Jo-uncle Cannon must be voted for because of face which have close
shave to that of Hon. Abraham Lincoln.” Then I was to blame for them
mirthfulness which almost-so cause race-riot in Japanese section.
It has become fashionable in this kingdom, Mr. Editor, for candidates
wishing to become President to resemble Hon. Abraham Lincoln so closely
as possible to. This is frequently difficult. Hon. Cannon is like
Hon. Lincoln to roots of whiskers, but them foliage does not indicate
very much about what is going on inside of soul. Difference between
Hon. Lincoln and Hon. Cannon is difference between high-thinking and
high-tariff. Resemblance of them two great Statesmen is only chin-deep.
I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, say-how that expressions of Hon. Fairbanks
& Hon. Hughes could be changed by trimming to make look-like of Hon.
Lincoln. I am alarmed to think. Perhaps-so that famous globe-racer, Hon.
Taft, might be also arranged over in some way, but would he not lose
considerable solid Japanese vote in doing thus? I am amazed to reply.
Maybe it would be more human-natural for candidates wishing to enjoy
election to hire from some costumer following masquerade:
Hon. Cannon disguised as Abraham Lincoln.
Hon. Taft disguised as Bismarck.
Hon. Hughes disguised as Viscount Aoki.
Hon. Cortelyou disguised as John Drew.
Hon. Bryan disguised as Elbert Hubbard.
Hon. Fairbanks disguised as Uriah Keep.
Them costumes might be payed for by Campaign Contributions, but will
they? Wall Street regard bribing as sinful during depression of hard
times.
Before leaving off from Tokyo for these Uniteds State I was considerably
weeped over by my Rev. Grandfather, Japanese of elderly principles who
say-so to me, “Togo, you are going to that wild kingdom of America which
is very full of savage Christians. Do not go to Indiana because Indians
is found there.”
“I am disgusted to think,” I commute. “What shall I do in this America so
as not to disgrace my long row of ancestors?”
“Find yourself some Ideal,” corrode Hon. Grandfather. “Make pickout of
some famous American what you can live up to them. Select to be like
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or E. H. Harriman. Thank you to
choose.”
So I leave that dear ancestor to his rice-cake, tea-drunk, hara-kiri and
other old-fashion Japanese customs and take Nippon Maru-boat for America.
When I arrive to wharf I meet Cousin Nogi and enquire to know.
“Should Japanese Boy imitate performances of Hon. E. H. Harriman in order
to become immediately immortal?”
“Too dangerous to do!” indicate this Nogi with American eye-wink. “Hon.
Harriman is now being regulated by law.”
“How about Hon. Washington and Hon. Lincoln to copy for famous career?” I
magnetize for emotion.
“Hon. Washington could not tell a lie, while Hon. Lincoln was celebrated
for gleeful anecdotes. Therefore Lincoln was most ablest man of them two.
Also because of early struggly of career he was noble example for all
Japanese Schoolboys enjoying poverty for American education.”
Then Cousin Nogi, who is very addicted to paragraphs of Hon. Ida M.
Tarbell, tell me following history of early Lincoln:
“When Hon. Abe Lincoln enjoy seven years of oldness,” carouse this Nogi,
“he desire to be President of these Uniteds State which was then a
republick by government.
“‘How can you manage to be this President and yet work on farm?’ his Rev.
Mother enquire to know.
“‘By running odd-jobs before times & book-study afterwards,’ molest this
youthful enthusiasm with smiling expression.
“So with immediate quickness he obtain job of employment mowing grass,
keeping books and running elevator for neighbouring farmer. He also
tilled some soil for people. When not doing this he was studying ‘How to
Be President,’ a book by George Washington who was then enjoying pension
for oldness.
“In book-studies & job-duties Hon. Lincoln spend 24 hours daily. Balance
of time was devoted to recreations, sleep & other idleness of amusement.
This continual drudgery of employment teach that Lincoln many useful
things,” conduce Nogi at expiration of this history.
“Ah yes!” I collapse, “it teach him to sympathize for them Negroes who
was also enjoying slavery.”
I am natural to ask question: Was it good thing to request them Negroes
to stop slaving? I have required for reply of several Japanese about this
Negro Problemb, but they are unamerous to reply, “We do not know any such
coloured acquaintances, thank you!” And they are proud about it. I wrote
letter of this Question to Hon. Booker Washington who answered by sending
C. O. D. “How I Quit Being One,” a delightful volume full of adjectives.
How to know about Negro Question then?
I at last become acquaintance of Hon. J. Fortesque Smith, Negro-coloured
gentleman who does mop-work at saloon of Hon. Strunsky who runs it. If
all Negroes is like this Smith it must be a talented race. So filled of
expression is his performances on Edison phonograph! With such raring
pathos do he execute that famous negro melody, “Cheerful Widow Waltz”
from them rubber disks! By hour I admire harmonious noise of Hon. Smith
and that talented machine—then pretty soonly came around Hon. Strunsky
with angry Irish voice to command more purchase of beer or get-out.
At last, Mr. Editor, I go around to grand opera of Williams & Walker,
and there continue study of Negro Problemb. I was very intelligent
about this until Hon. Johnson collapsed into raggle-time sing-songing
entitled “Sus-a-OO, Lu-Lu, I-a want-a you too!” Suddenly I discover my
feets performing jiu jitsu with therselves under seat. I rebuke them
quietly, but they continue to misbehave until, at finally, they strike
dark clergyman in ankle-bone and I am retired from that opera house after
considerable race-riot.
O surely, it is wrong for that Africa to teach them diseases to Europe
& Asia! And yet that raggle-time coon-singing is a species of chorus
which shoots a long distance into my soul. I am very earnest about this
dark-coloured harmony which comes with such splandid spasms through the
shoes expressing comic emotions as it does so. Could you send me name and
address of some talented Hon. Coon who would furnish tune, rimes, jokes,
etc., for following poetical thought? For this he will receive ½ of what
he gets.
_COMIC THOUGHT SUITABLE FOR COON SONG OR SOME OTHER HYMN_
On America Maru
And on Nippon Maru
(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki
And back again to here)
Many Japanese is discovered
With top-up eye
And high-brow expression.
“Where are you going, Japanese persons?”
Enquire sea-rooster perching on coop-deck,
“Where are you going with purse-sack
So full of nickels & dimes?
With Sunday go-meeting clothes on
And such satisfied neckties?”
“Oh!”
Respond Japanese in unison
And make giggly mirth.
“Ask us to know!”
They are smiling through ears with Sherlock Holmes expression.
Hark it!
What was that whistling motion of noise?
Was it sea-wind of Pacific?
Was it typhoon of nature?
Or was it Japanese practising together
Tunes from “Mikado”
Of Hons. Gilbert & Sullivan?
Teeth and nose of these ship,
Nippon Maru and America Maru,
Is pointed to Westward.
Japan is still somewhere in that direction
And numerous Japanese is on board this transportation.
Why
Is such quantities of them
On the passenger-table?
Has Japanese immigration
Gone burst
In California?
Has Rev. Mr. Emperor of Japan
Called Reserves back
For some more handsome defeat of Russia?
Or what?
(Expression of kittenish foxes is indulged in
By all Japanese Boys on this ship.)
“Hon. Nippon Maru
And Hon. America Maru,”
Wirelessly telegraf Hon. Uncle Sam from shore,
“Where are you going
Away from here
With such heavy ballast of Japanese?”
“Respectable Uncle,”
Reply them ships,
“We are taking all Japanese
Off of California.
They will go Japan,
They will go Satsuma,
They will settle themselves on Corea
And less disgusting parts of China.”
Pretty soonly
All will be depart from California.
Then who
To general housework, table-wait, manufacture salomon in cannery,
fruit-pick, employment bureau and other useful exersises for good
of populus?
Pretty soonly all America will calamity together,
“Where is them dear Japanese
Went to?”
And Dai Nippon with far-gone wheeze will distant reply,
“Away from here;
Away from brick-bat
And other educational features.
Japanese has came to America
To learn things.
They has learned them and went.”
On Nippon Maru
And America Maru
(Similar vapour-boats determined to go to Nagasaki
And back again to here),
These imaginery things I speak-so
Perhapsly occur—
Perhapsly not.
In a soon letter of the future I wish to tell you how about one new
party of politicks which the Japanese Thinking Society (of which I am
a membership) is preparing to begin. This new Party of Politicks, I am
hopeful to believe, is more better than Republican and Democratic parties
of present. Anyhow, it is not any worser.
All well here with exception of J. Furo who is dead.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Tell me to know this: Of what State is Hon. Leslie M. Shaw the
favourite son of? H. T.
VII
HON. SIMPLE LIFE AMONG AMBASSADORS
SAN FRANCISCO, February 10th,
_To Editor New York Newspaper which tells all Truth for
second-class postage._
DEAR MR.—I ask to know. Would it be a possibility for one bright Japanese
Boy to get a good salary position of Ambassador to Berlin or some other
seaport? My cousin Nogi tell me that Dr. Dave Hill do not care for such a
job because wages is too tiny.
“How much is them wages?” I inquire for nervous feeling.
“Sum of $17,500 of annual pay,” mortify this Nogi.
“Japanese Boy would accept this patiently,” I collapse with voice.
“He might got it, but could he?” dictate Nogi, who understands
horse-racing & problembs.
I am beswitched.
“You would appear a very cheap diplomat with such a salary,” say Nogi.
“Hon. Charleymain Tower, Ambassador from O-hio, spend more annual cash
than this for champagne which is necessary in Berlin for kings, dukes,
princes, etc., which is accustomed to expect it from American Ambassadors
when going through that town. That Hon. Tower are a great spend.”
“Poverty are no disgrace,” I signify with W. J. Bryan expression.
“For Methodist Ministers it are no disgrace,” say Nogi. “But for Foreign
Ministers it are considered a crime.”
“I am confused by this,” I depress.
“Imagine that you was Hon. American Ambassador to Berlin,” deploy Nogi.
I do so with ease.
“And imagine I was Hon. Emperor of Germany.”
I do so with difficulty.
“You go to them Germany with $17,500 annual wages which you draw in
advance. You look around street for some nice palace where U. S. flag can
be represented with dignity. You find such a palace, pretty soonly, over
general feed store for rent-sum of $20 per monthly. For sum of $5 you can
hire Mrs. Nusbaum in up-floor flat to take down clothes-line so that Hon.
U. S. flag can be flew on Monday afternoon. Then you spend $17,000 for
champagne and set down on back porch where flies are scarce.”
“Do something happen pretty suddenly?” I ask to know.
“Quite promptly I come along in one golden-coloured automobile,
accompanied by Signal Corps, Fire Department, Royal Mounted Mustache
Guard, and Second Artillery Band——”
“Who are you, please?” is next question for Japanese Schoolboy.
“I am Hon. Emperor of Germany calling to make a diplomatick relationship
with Hon. American Ambassador. I call in them quiet way I mention because
I know that Hon. Poverty of American Ambassador would get embarrassed by
kingly pompus. I stop royal automobile in front of Nusbaum’s Feed Store.
“‘Are Hon. American Ambassador at home for diplomatick relationship?’
Hon. Emperor holler-up to second story.
“‘He are out back splitting kindling,’ decry Hon. Mrs. Nusbaum. ‘But I
will told him that Your Majesty have arrive—wait, please!’
“So she run & whistle down speaking-tube:
“‘Hello! Come up if convenient, Mr. Ambassador. Hon. Emperor are here to
see you.’
“So Hon. American Ambassador, with arms full of kindling wood, make
sneakstep to kitchen, where he wash hands in sink, then haste to parlour.
There he find Hon. Emperor of Germany setting on sofa and looking cross
because he have stumbled over baby-buggy in the hall.
“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador. ‘Will you have
something to drink?’
“‘No,’ say he. ‘But I will take a cigar.’
“‘I have not got no cigars, Hon. Majesty,’ he say. ‘But I have some
delicious chew-tobacco of considerable long cut.’
“Hon. Emperor of Germany, who are a awful polite king, eat some of that
tobacco and make faces of enjoyment. Soonly he accept drink of champagne
what Mrs. Nusbaum give him in tin cup; then he prepare to take his depart
with willing smiles.
“‘Mr. Ambassador,’ he decry, ‘what kind of Embassy do you call this what
you got here?’
“‘This,’ say Hon. Ambassador, ‘are what are called “Jeffersonian
Simplicity.”’
“‘Are you fond of this kind of simplicity?’ Hon. Emperor inquire to know.
“‘No,’ say-he, ‘but Hon. Jefferson was.’
“‘Hon. Jefferson should try being an Ambassador to Germany if he like it
so well,’ say Hon. Emperor, giving royal automobile one complete honk.”
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, question before Congress is this: Can American Republick, at
stingy expense, teach Kings, Princes, etc., to expect less spendthrifty
display whenever they goes to see American Ambassadors? Maybe so it are
possible. Maybe Emperors, when they gets tired of ruling, will become
accustomed to saying, “Let’s go over to Charley Tower’s flat and listen
to Caruso on the phonograph.” Maybe-so it will soon become a common sight
in Berlin to see the Hon. Emperor buying 15c package of Frankfurters for
luncheon with Hon. American Ambassador. Maybe—but Japanese Schoolboy are
doubtful because he come from a kingdom where habits of Emperors is often
observed. And I never seen no kings acting that way.
[Illustration: “‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”]
Trouble with these U. S., Mr. Editor, is that they is not so awful
Progressive like they imagines they are. It is a very nice thing to be
noisy, but a shoot-cannon must have something besides powder in it to do
considerable damage. America man work pretty swift when let alone; but if
he wait for act of Congress he had more better wait for act of God and
the Russian Douma. There are just one body of mans in the entire world
slower than Hon. Russian Douma, and that are Hon. American Congress.
It take one of them degraded and outworn monarchies of the Old World
eighteen months to stick together a first-class war-boat of very
excellent trimmings. It take these swift U. S. six years to nail
together such a fighter-ship, and after them six years is past American
Congress awakes and finds that it doesn’t need no navy nohow.
Hon. Congressman Captain Richard Peachy Hobson arise recently for debate
and do considerable gun-fire with eyes.
“By all them sun-kissed hills of native land,” he say with energy, “let
us defend it. Japan are a menace. So are China, Sweden, and the Malay
Archipelago. If all them dangerous nationalities combined to do us dirt
how would they go at it? By fleets? In one week 17,000,000,000 yen
would flow into coffers of very yellow peril. In two weeks 78 extreme
_Dreadnothings_ would intend to go San Francisco for warfare. In three
weeks Japan would be camping in Waldorf-Astoria and Sweden would accept
Milwaukee as spoil of war. Therefore I arise up to propose it. I propose
it that Hon. Sharp Williams instruct the Democratic minority to build 12
_Dreadnothing_ battleships weekly until election is over.”
(Loud groans from Jo-uncle Cannon.)
Uprise then Hon. Burton. “Mr. Speech,” he-say it, “I uprise to
second them bill of Hon. Cap. Congressman Hobson; but with some
slight amendments to make it look natural. I propose that them 12
_Dreadnothings_ be reduced to 1 gunboat to be built by Union Iron Works
in 1926, in case there ain’t no war before then.”
“But how to defend Hon. America without no ships?” demand Hon. Hobson
with voice.
“We are not afraid of all-world Powers,” declaim Hon. Burton. “If Japan,
England, Ireland, and Spain come to our shores with latest pattern
explosives, then the indomitable spirit of American people shall defend
us!”
(Loud applause from Congress which continue ahead with campaign program.)
Such is fate of Hon. Hobson’s hobby. It is certain that Hon. Congress are
not afraid of no foreign navy. Hon. Congress is not afraid of nothing
when it do not cost them nothing to do so.
* * * * *
It are collapsible sentiment of all intelligent Japanese, Mr. Editor,
that Hon. Congress will eventually, or later, build very magnificent
Embassies (on model of Pennsylvania State Capitol) in Berlin, Paris,
London, Tokyo, Pekin, and wherever it is required by kings and
fashionable persons residing there. But before them buildings is done
some Bills must be made, revised, torn up and referred to wastebasket in
following committees:
1—Committee on Architecture.
2—Committee on Plumbing.
3—Committee on Window Curtains.
4—Committee on Foreign Relations.
5—Committee on Gas and Water.
By the time them bills is passed America will no longer be sneezed at as
a Young Nation. And in the mean while Hon. Ambassadors from these U.S.
must be subsidized by some Trust or else ride in trolley cars between
Hon. Embassy and Hon. German Court.
Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber,
make following Mother Geese about it:
“The Star Spangley Banner
O long may she soar
O’er the National Arms
On a grocery store!”
Arthur Kickahajama ask for enquiry yesterday time:
“Are this Dr. Dave Hill a diplomat?”
“To look like an Ambassador to Germany on a salary of $17,500 a year he
have _got_ to be pretty much of a diplomat,” I answer for reply.
With gun-salutes to Hon. Hobson.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
VIII
A THIRD TERM FOR OUR EMPEROR
SAN FRANCISCO, February 23rd.
_To postoffice of New York Newspaper to be found there by
Editor._
DEAR SIR: I will not vote for President this time, thank you, because
your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, will not run to get it. Therefore I am
neglectful about all other Candidates.
Little Annie Anazuma, eight-years-age, daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese
barber, come to me with childish inquisitive.
“Tell me one truth, Uncle Togo,” she deploy. “Is it possible to think
that Japanese Boy will some day be President of this respectable kingdom?”
“Hardy so—and yet maybe,” I addict with deceptive expression.
“So happy to think!” negotiate this infant enthusiasm, with fond smiling.
“Then how must he go to it to become such a President?”
“He must firstly obtain consent of Hon. Roosevelt, who probably would not
give it,” I dictate because I am aware it might be so.
“Are it customary for Presidents to select with voice name of some
gentleman what would be less disgusting to him for next King of America?”
require this Infant Prodigal, who are too ingrown of brain for enjoy mere
doll-play.
“Ah, sure yes!” I explode. “If gentleman what have been in White House 4
years do not know a good President when he see him, who would?”
“When inexperienced gentleman are called by White House to take job he
must enjoy great agony trying to study Constitution, boat-building,
Tuskagee, & other racing problembs necessary to encumbrance of office,”
she say-it.
“That are still customary,” I report.
“Who commence to originate this merciful custom?” demand little Annie.
“Because you are childish I make education for you. Pres. Roosevelt done
it.”
“So happy to know!” digest this Japanese child. “He is great Emperor of
America—therefore he will last forever.”
“So sorry to reply,” I disgust. “Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will soon stop
doing it.”
“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” examine this difficult infant. “Is not
Emperors made to last considerable length?”
“In responsible kingdoms, yes-so—but in America, no-so. Here Kings is
elected for 4 years to discouridge them.”
“These white-coloured foreigners is too hard answers for children to
know,” say little Annie Anazuma running away for play-doll amusement.
I say these lectures to Little Annie with great pleasure to be telling
something to somebody what believes it. But then come brain-thoughts
which bring enjoyment of fierce pangs. What to do with America when
Emperor Roosevelt has took himself from it? I enquire for answer.
I beg you to do it as request, Mr. Editor. Please have your printer put
some words on editorial page asking Hon. Roosevelt to continue once more
term as Emperor of this Republic. I enclose cash of 50c. to pay for your
expense of writing, etc. Thank you so many!
* * * * *
Honest to truth, I am aggregated with anger to have Mr. Emperor Roosevelt
dictate, “No thank you, not for three-times running!” Why so does he stop
being King just at instant when all-national people is enjoying that
American performance? It will be sad for my heart to see some private
person occupying public career of Hon. Roosevelt when he gets through
sitting on it.
What decry Julius Cæsar about being elected too much for Republican
party of Rome? “One good term deserves another,” he command, and Mr.
Brutus was pleased to be there with stabbing-knife. But this is different
subject from what about it.
* * * * *