[Illustration: “Therefore I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of
Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot”]
Letters of
A Japanese Schoolboy
(“_Hashimura Togo_”)
BY
WALLACE IRWIN
Author of “The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum,” “Shame of the
Colleges,” “Nautical Lays of a Landsman,” etc.
Illustrated by Rollin Kirby
[Illustration]
New York
Doubleday, Page & Company
1909
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION
INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN
COPYRIGHT, 1907, 1908, BY P. F. COLLIER & SON
COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
PUBLISHED, FEBRUARY, 1909
[Illustration]
[Illustration: “Sometimes I sit and wonder in my artless Japanese
way”—_The Mikado_]
CONTENTS
I. Our Noble Allies 3
II. The Honourable War Cloud 11
III. The Yellow Peril 19
IV. Lady Suffergettes and How They Do It 26
V. The Financial Breakdown 37
VI. Hon. Niggers, Was They Freed by Lincoln? 46
VII. Hon. Simple Life Among Ambassadors 55
VIII. A Third Term for Our Emperor 63
IX. Hon. Modesty: Is it a Disease? 71
X. Spring 80
XI. Education in American Language 90
XII. The Visit of the Fleet to San Francisco 98
XIII. Flighty Navigation of Air 107
XIV. The Conventional Meeting of Reps in Chicago 118
XV. America’s Bang up Ceremony 128
XVI. Can Africa Wait till March 4th? 138
XVII. The Hon. Gasolene 149
XVIII. America’s Base Game of Ball 159
XIX. Is a Vice-Pres Nearly a King? 169
XX. My Conception of the Presidency 179
XXI. How American Advertisement Does It 189
XXII. Olympus Games and International Cement 196
XXIII. Outside Exercises for Health 207
XXIV. Can Hon. North Pole be Detected? 218
XXV. High Tariff on Princes 227
XXVI. The Servant Problemb 237
XXVII. The Feetsteps of Science 247
XXVIII. The Hon. Mars 256
XXIX. Standard Oiling across Party Lines 265
XXX. The Hon. Bomb 275
XXXI. Enjoyment of Hunger Among Poor Mans 285
XXXII. The Alcoholic Temperance Movement 295
XXXIII. The Saloon in Our Town 304
XXXIV. Election Day 313
XXXV. Fall Hats and the Ladies Inside of Them 323
XXXVI. Feetball for Mollycuddles 333
XXXVII. Will Hon. So. Dakota Be a Blissful Married State? 342
XXXVIII. Hon. Mary Christmas 352
XXXIX. The Annual New Year 363
CHARACTERS CAST UP BY THIS BOOK
HASHIMURA TOGO—35-year aged Japanese Schoolboy.
COUSIN NOGI—educated in horseracing & relidgeon.
ARTHUR KICKAHAJAMA—missionary boy.
HON. STRUNSKY—Irish salooner.
UNCLE NICHI—Japanese strawseed who come to America to be less
so.
MRS. LUSY MACDONALD—complete angel of 286 pounds beauty.
LITTLE ANNIE ANAZUMA—of kindergarten intelligence.
I. ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor.
J. FURO—who is dead.
G. W. MCCANN—prominent drunk.
SYDNEY KATSU, JR.—who go Harvard study mollycuddling.
MISS ALICE FURIOKI—wife to Cousin Nogi.
MISS EVELYN SUKI—dear friend & more even.
FRANK the Japanned Bootpolish.
S. WANDA—Japanese Socialist.
WHANG SO—China boy of sinful profile.
H. SUNIGAWA—Talented Japanese Spy.
UNKNOWN JAPANESE—who call himself “Charley Smith” to get job in
a bank.
Sorted persons, doctors & druggers, Bunkio Saguchi, riots, baseballers,
frequent wise Professors, Hon. Niggers, delegates who walk for the
unions, editors, Napoleon Bonyparte & his Brother Charley, Hon. Police &
other famous Americans to include my dog O-Fido.
[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATIONS
“Therefor I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon.
Strunsky, Irish patriot” _Frontispiece_
PAGE
“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador” 58
“‘Would they fit me perhaps?’ I ask for vanity” 72
“‘Why all this yall about, unless of mania?’ I require to know
from Hon. Police” 82
“When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he say: ‘What language
is them wrote in?’” 100
“‘But China!! such eye-pain of nations’” 102
“O banzai! whirr of angry rages from engine” 110
“Loyal Sons of some fairish land parading under banner of the
Nice Old Party with placards to show how harmonious they feel” 120
“There I meet Motor Man who ... suffocate me with international
courtesy” 150
“‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft” 208
“They should not make groups around him with scissors to cut
away souvenirs from him” 224
“‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington’” 246
“‘O! Sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this morning,
thank you’” 312
“‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart
quotation for me” 326
“‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way
and another—some by proxy, some by regret’” 340
“Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow” 344
Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy
I
OUR NOBLE ALLIES
SAN FRANCISCO, November 4th.
_To Esteemed Excellency the Editor of what is much widely read
New York newspaper._
DEAR SIR—I am a Japanese Schoolboy age 35 years & I come to this Free
Country for some following reason:
1. To save up money for old age.
2. To learn so much I can.
3. To wait on table 14 hours Daily at Boarding house of Mrs. C.
W. O’Brien, honourable lady.
I am not doing so to-day as I am Confined in hospital enjoying much pain
from brick-bat wound sent to me by one American Patriot. Also I am not
attending school for some time.
If your Highness will permit such correspondence I will ask some Question
which I will answer myself so as to save too much trouble for your
valuable time. Thank you.
Some frequent Professors are asking the question now: Will White Man
and Yellow Man ever mix? I answer Yes because I have knowledge of the
affair. They mix once in San Francisco, they mix once in Vancouver.
But such mixing is not good-healthy for the human race because it make
broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia and many other disagreeable
noises. Japanese gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman with
gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know.
I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman because my Teacher tell me
America and Japan are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. Marquis Wm.
Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We
are Noble Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall not be Noble
Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” Tokyo is so happy that Rising Sun make
tear-drop falling on star-stripe banner. Banzai!
Excuse bad penmanship as Right Hand was wounded by brick-bat from
one Noble Ally name Casey. Bottles was also used on head which were
unfortunate.
So happy Japanese! Japan has most Noble Allies than any other country.
France, England, these dear Uniteds State, Germany, Australia,
Switzerland, Spain, Portugal are all to fight in our behaviour. Also
Corea. The most strongest of our Allies must, therefore, be England who
gives day-and-night thought to making all Japanese comfortable. London
newspaper weep for shame when San Francisco labour man drop building
material on head of Japanese gentleman. London newspapers arrange their
editorial full with considerable pity. Yes, please. England man loves
Japanese man with much distinction because both are brothers by germ, are
they not? Also affinities.
My cousin Nogi become recently absentee from San Francisco because he
might reside away from the brick-bats. He went to inhabit in British
Columbia at Vancouver to work in the Kakemono Barber Shop under the so
glorious British banner. This is protection for all weak persons. I am
therefore much more ill in my sick hand when I read this telegraph from
my cousin Nogi.
_To Hashimura Togo, San Francisco_:
Welcome to Canada by Noble Allies. Three killed, seven wounded.
All well. Please send shot gun.
NOGI.
I think so continuously concerning my cousin enjoying trouble from that
cordial Great Britain that I am about to make hara-kiri by swallowing
bottle of hospital-medicine; but I relieve my death more easily by
making the following poetical thought which I mailed to the King of
England who lives in London:
_ADDRESS TO MR. EDWARD, EMPEROR OF THE BRITISH, WHO LIVES IN LONDON_
America man he strike for pay,
Japanese work for a dollar a day.
We like all much work can do—
You like Jap boy work for you?
Yes, sir, thank you, I come now:
Plenty more Jap boy soon learn how.
O so sorry no can stay—
Yes, please, come again soon—good day!
London paper say, “Jap nice,
Fight much, think much, eat much rice.”
England love us, so we heard—
What for Canada say bad word?
Yes, sir, thank you, one good graft;
Little Brown Brother, Big Bill Taft.
O so happy come round quick—
What for Canada throw Big Stick?
We sweep kitchen, scrub out pan,
Learn speak English soon we can.
We be good boy, so polite,
Trot all daytime, think all night.
Yes, sir, thank you, too much fuss.
We like Canada—you like us?
O so sorry must go way—
Yes, please—come again soon some day!
I am still awaiting Answer to this poetical thought which must be there
somewhere in English postoffice soon.
Why do Japanese Boy come to this country is requested for reply from
almost every white mind of prominence. I will answer with several reason
from my own vocabulary:
1. To learn religion, Bookkeeping & Stenography.
2. To cement that Friendship of nations and keep grocery store.
3. To attend horse-racing contests.
4. To learn American Manners
5. To study Customs, Murders, Art, Science, & Humoristic
Literature from sunday papers.
6. To go back to Japan.
Perhaps you read in newspaper sometime rather recently about a warfare
which we enjoyed with our Honourable Ally Russia which we cause to love
us with a bayonet. Your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, then taught us how the
peace may be manufactured and we have done so ever since. If you did not
read of this in papers I will send you clippings from the _Shimbun_ of
Tokyo. We are sending the glad hand of fellowship around to all white
persons, but I can not do so this week because the brick-bat wound I said
to you about is in my right wrist.
Before enjoying that painful collision I spoke something with Hon.
Strunsky, the Delegate who Walks for the Unions. Some of my countrymen
has seen Hon. Strunsky Walk, but he has been Setting down on them
occasions seen by me. I went there with ceremony before Mr. Strunsky at
his saloon, because he is Irish and makes angry sudden.
“Please,” I enquiry, “let Japanese Boy to plumbing union. I am able to
plumb with intelligence.”
“You make me tired,” he retorted back.
“Esteemed sir, if you are exhausting yourself with fatigue let Japanese
Boy have your job. My cousin is ambitious for such a situation.”
“Beat it!” response Hon. Strunsky.
I could not assimulate that word he said it.
“What should he beat?” was question for me.
“You beat yourself around block—skiddoo!” explained honourable Delegate
gentleman.
When he was explaining these things in war-cry voice so all could
understand Mr. Carbonetti, an American gentleman, struck me on the wrist
with a small piece of House which was not then built. I spoke “Banzai!”
and Mr. I. Rogo, proprietor of the Rising Sun Coffee House, came with
leaps and make jiu jitsu upon Mr. Carbonetti while O. Takura, my cousin’s
grandfather, stopped Mr. Strunsky’s speeches with some kindling-wood.
Soon there was rain of brick-bats from sky and Japanese Boys present much
regretted they did not wear any umbrella.
That is some ways it happened.
Was it then wise for the Delegate who Walks for the Unions to say so? For
was he not often remarking there was no place for Japanese gentleman in
the American business? He does not know the statistick like the Japanese
statesman may tell him. What does Ichipanorama, Walt Whitman of Fuji, say
so?
The Visible Universe was never so full of men, Monkeys, Furniture,
Noise, Literature, Diseases,
That there was not a Place somewhere, either in the hall bedroom, or
in the kitchen, or in the cellar under the kitchen,
Or in the ice-box under the stairs
For the Good,
the Beautiful
and the True.
Gotama Buddha, or the Janitor, or Somebody else makes room for the
Humble Deserving
And even a Parrot
May be allowed in the Apartment House.
Does a Rich Man refuse to take gold because it is yellow?
Does a Cook refuse to boil potatoes because they are brown?
Does a Car Conductor refuse to take on another Passenger because of
race, colour or previous condition of servitude?
He does not, neither do they.
Man leapeth from land to land even as the flea from dog to dog.
It is so enrolled upon tablets of porcelain and ivory.
This is not exactly how Ichipanorama says how, but something like so.
America has room for all. The Irish gentleman to hold the great public
offices, the Jewish gentleman to attend to the drama and the clothing
store, the Italian gentleman to be the merchants with the fruit, the
German gentleman to attend to the large sausage interests of the country.
The Japanese gentleman, then, what does he require in this so great
commonwealth? Sometimes something, sometimes something different. To
nail the shoe, to write the books, to work in the gymnasium, to run the
banks, to peel potatoes, to govern the states. Anywhere you require his
usefulness he will be so happy to be there.
Hoping your Highness understands plainly to know how I think these things
here, and love to all.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
II
THE HONOURABLE WAR CLOUD
SAN FRANCISCO, November 16th.
_To Editor of New York newspaper, enlightened printer who
manufacture Truth for all thoughtful Person._
DEAR SIR—I so happy, thank you, esteemed Mr., for you listen to how I say
so in my last letter. Therefore I am much obliged to you for several more
intelligent Question which I will ask you what is.
During my residence in Hospital to enjoy brick-bat wound sent there by
Labouring Union, I give some large quantities of thought-attention to
future life. What business would be swiftest for making success of it?
Waiting on table-board of Mrs. O’Brien, honourable lady, is repulsive to
proud Japanese Boy any more do. Which would be better for me: To learn to
be Christian Missionary or to study for bookkeeping and stenography? Both
ways lead to good jobs.
My cousin Nogi, who return from British Columbia leaving front teeth
with English friends there, say, “Missionary jobs are no longer needed
for Japan, because our dear country already have rapid-fire fleet and
stand-up army sufficient to make all Japanese Christians.”
“What date is arrange for this Japan-America war to be shot off?” I ask
for answer.
“Not yet but when!” response this Nogi making eyewink, American salute.
“In such a warfare which kingdom would beat it?” is next question for me.
“Frequently one and then some,” collapse Nogi, who think as I do.
Therefore I still ask to know. Hon. Mr. Sir, could you so courteously
remind Japanese Boy of exact date for such warfare? If there is any
announcement in your press of this battle would you send me clipping,
address Hospital? Such an answer would be delightful to know for
all-coloured races. Political man, labour-union man, newspaper-press all
have brain-ache questioning, When. You will permit me, please, to speak
how I think so?
Japan-America war is impossible to happen! Banzai! All should be so
happy in Hon. Carnegie talking-library at Hague. Philippine Island must
be taken by Japan on mortgage or some other peaceable conquest. Perhaps
American Congress will consider this nice birthday present to Emperor of
Japan.
How I make this knowledge? Because so. Japan could never secure these
United States entirely for Japanese Government. I. Anazuma, Japanese
barber, tell me how Mr. Kuroki might not capture New York from such great
distance of San Francisco. And what must Japan do with New York when
captured? That is hard question for Japanese Boy.
While residing in Hospital bed my cousin Nogi come to me bringing
donation of banana-fruit for lunching. These fruit come as package
enwrapped in American newspaper-press. I am thankful for lunch, but more
so thankful for reading-news on enwrapping. The information tell me
nervously that fleet of ships commanded by Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will go
around to the Pacific ocean by the Cape of Horn, avoiding Panama canal
which is less done. Must Japan shoot American ship for going to Pacific
ocean? This is question for editor. I answer, No, please! Pacific ocean
still have too much water for Japan to cover with torpedo boats. Thank
you, America fleet may call at San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle without
angry rage from Tokyo government which is busy civilizing Corea. Hon. Mr.
Roosevelt is welcome to travel.
Howeverly is, some sinful thoughts come to Japanese Boy. Is not some
excitement interesting to all-coloured races? It would be fine
engagement for Japan-America navies to come together sometime for slight
shooting-scrape, because both have enjoyed very pleasant target-practice.
America navy recently use boat of Hon. Adm. Cervera for excellent bull’s
eye. Japanese navy practice, still more recently, on fleet of Hon. Mr.
Rodjestvensky in which practice Japan gunners score 97 out of possible
100 hits. Yet it are not good-healthy for 2 such equal navies to meet in
angry rage, because they might be bursted by following brutal diagram:
[Illustration]
Mr. Editor I am Samurai, like all other Japanese Boys. When sick hand is
well I am good for all fights. My friend, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary
boy, is exceptional to this rule saying man-strangling and dynamite
explosion to be bad for human race. He teach meek-eye as best disease for
strong-arm. He come to Hospital and hold my sick hand to say,
“Togo, when union labour drop brick-bat upon Japanese Boy, what then?”
“Hara-kiri!” I explain. “Japanese Boy deliver jiu jitsu upon eye of Mr.
Casey.”
“So heathen thought!” devote Arthur. “When brick-bat smite left cheek,
right cheek is then presentable for more.”
To such talk I am only able to speak of rats. Arthur forgive such
politeness and read me poetical thought, because sickness prevent escape:
_ADDRESS TO PEACE DOVE WHAT RESIDE IN HATS OF ALL EMPERORS_
Tell us to know, feeble sparrow-bird of quiet politics,
Why is?
Yes, you are equally white as snow, and yet snow frequently catches it
from gunpowder.
What has occurred to your appearance?
What has become of thy tail-feathers, wing-feathers, pin-feathers?
Where is the hair upon thy back and also
Where has thy left eye went?
Tell us to know, gentle chickadee of disarmed nations,
Why is thy matinee music-song
So heartlus and without feet?
Like the melody of hand-saws playing upon rusty nail, like a leak in a
bagpipe or like
A widowed ostrich pining alone with bronchitis of the throat!
Hast thou a message for the world to know?
Tell me, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary!
If so,
Tell us to know, gentle harbinger of harbour-defences,
Tell us——
But Peace Dove, butting inwards upon poetical address
Of Arthur Kickahajama, missionary,
Makes peeking expression toward Holland with that one remaining
eyeball,
Makes pointing gesture toward Washington with the stump of bit-off
leg.
And response back to the Japanese poet as follows: “Croak!
“I will tell you to know, Arthur Kickahajama:
I have been delivered to Nations
Bearing label HANDLE WITHOUT CARE!
How can Pidgeon sail tranquil on smooth tail-feathers
When Great Peacemakers
Distribute him here and there shot-out-of-a-gun?
When, to go places, he is clubbed with swords, jabbed by sceptres,
batted by big sticks?
Is there no Society of Prevention for This?
“And yet I am here, Peace has arrived—
But of what use to mankind delivered in such a shopworn condition?
Thank you for plaster-casts, thank you for limb-bandages, eye-wash,
salve,
Thank you for arnica-poultice, Brother Missionary!
Peace be with you—
Croak!”
Mr. Editor, your honourable country enjoys many bad traits which are
loathsome to Japanese. You are disagreeable to old age, you neglect
to worship the holy relic. In the American household you worship the
recent Baby with doctors, nurses, chloroform, etc., and at the tooth-cut
of same all have spasms by joy. But when Grandparent injures the
appendicitis he must enjoy it quietly in hospital with stationary to make
will.
In boarding house of Mrs. O’Brien there is one young lady which all other
eaters at the table-board call “Grandma” because of her immense age. All
young gentlemen there talk humoristical anecdote, smile, eat candy with
young ladies of more recent birth. While youthly ladies are doing this
Miss Grandma set lonesome by lamplight reading Mrs. Humply Ward book.
I have often noticed these when seated in kitchen studying American
grammar. “Why should not Young Lady be object of pious regard because of
great age?” I frequently enquire for answer.
One evening I put on frockaway coat and make call to Miss Grandma.
“Hon. young lady,” I refer, “yes, ma’am, excuse me, sir! Would you tell
one questioning to Japanese Boy?”
“Surely, Mister Togo,” she response. “Whatever is?”
“Oftenly” I relate, “I am attractive to your honourable notice setting
lonesome under lamplight. May I call sometime for lonesome company?”
“You are kind gentleman, Mister Togo,” she beseech. “Yes, you can come
often for lonesome call.”
“Thank you, sir,” I say, “you are regardless. I come so often kitchen
duties prevent it.”
She give me smiling expression peculiar to American lady of any oldness.
“Tell me this answer,” she inquisitive softly. “What qualities in myself
make you such admiration?”
“I admire you because of Japanese,” I response. “For in Japan we are
taught to reverence the Old Age.”
She throw Humply Ward book to me, then strike me with lamp-light. Fire
extinguished by means of Persian rug I retire to kitchen to make my soul
enquire about things.
Hoping your Highness may place this thoughts on printing-press without
danger, and love to family and friends.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—I am taking lessons in harmonica playing of which Hospital nurse
Flynn is Prof. He teach me national hymn of Hon. Geo. M. Cohen entitled
“The Rag Which We Revere.” Your Constitution must feel very nervous
following that Cohen Flag!
H. T.
III
THE YELLOW PERIL
SAN FRANCISCO, November 22d.
_To New York newspaper management and such as are doing it
there._
DEAR PRINTER—I am enjoying great poverty from employment which is missing
this week, thank you.
This conversation for you to listen:
“Mr. Togo, goodbye, and be prompt in doing so!” That spoken with
screeches by Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady.
“Sweet-hearted Mrs. Madam,” I resume to her, “why you neglect to allow
Japanese Boy any more wait on table-board at your establishment?”
“Because this,” she demand, “lazy stupor of brain unfit Japanese Boy
for such jobs. During three weeks of time you remain in hospital to
enjoy pain. You think of book study more than delivering soup to my
table-eaters. Some others must carry coffee-dish for this employment.
Therefore exit from these house!”
“Thank you to know, Hon. Mrs.,” I report, “what person shall obtain job
when I have went from here?”
“One China boy I have got him more intelligent as you for half price to
do it,” she refer.
I see plain truth to this. Looking to kitchen I observe Whang So,
one China boy of sinful profile. I make race-riot inside of me, but
peace-treaty outside.
“Honourable Mrs. O’Brien,” I say with smiling expression, “good day,
so sorry, thank you so much!” Then I make quick-step to sidewalk and
trot-step to establishment of Jigo Furo, Japanese hardware.
“Thank you for something durable to handle,” I say to this Jigo Furo.
“This stove-poker is recommended for all use,” he response. It surely was
truthful. I take it away for call on Mr. Whang So, China boy of sinful
profile. He come to door of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien when asked for.
“Whang So, Chinese puppy-cat, wherefore you have national characteristics
of one potato?” I relapse.
“You go way, no good!” he reserve with impolite expression of Oriental.
For reply I throw stove-poker to neck of Whang So, give him jiu jitsu
to porch and tie him with abominable pig-tail to door knob of Mrs. C.
W. O’Brien where he may be found. This things I done to Whang So as
race-riot to Chinese persons which is no good for America by following
statistick:
1. They perform cleanly-washing infrequently.
2. They are back-hand in religion, reform, bookkeeping and
stenography.
3. They teach poker game to Japanese Boy.
4. They are a Yellow Peril.
I have given some brain-study to this Yellow Peril to make sure it is a
bad blessing for these Uniteds State. It is. But should we Americans of
all-colour enjoy fear of such? Answer is, No! Coreans, Chinese, & Hindus
is Yellow Peril. All Japanese can defeat these easily with club-stick. We
have been there to try it. If white Caucasian fear such a Peril Japanese
will promise to chase it away for small wage-pay. It will be amusement
for Japanese Boy who know how.
All persons should be kept out of this kingdom who can not show
good-coloured complexions at ship-dock. Torpedo-fleet, battle-boat,
dynamite & congress should be shot off to prevent landing of such trash
like Mr. Whang So and other Chinese of yellow birth. Coreans, Siamese, &
Hindus must also be prevented from escaping into this country. Christian
ships must take these complexions back to original islands where they
belongs. This is best good for all human races.
Many negro persons of Southern States is also Yellow Peril, but these can
not enjoy exclusion, because there is no place to exclude them to.
But Japanese gentleman, please, must not be written down for this list.
Derby hat, American pant, Tuxedo overcoat, have rendered him completely
white of complexion and able to vote for President when asked to know
how. Please do not include him in Yellow Peril, because he will not
be there. He is doing things by each day that makes folks white. Let
Japanese help to do push-out to all-coloured Yellow Perils coming to this
country together with others patriots of star-stripe banner Yankee-doodle
dandy, banzai!
I will speak to you of two Yellow Perils which I know of my knowledge.
I am acquaintance of one Corean gentleman name of Whee who reside in
cellar of this city. He do not change his clothing which is economical.
He sleep in soap-box, but the soap is missing. To approach Mr. Whee with
hygiene is too dangerous for good healthy. Labouring Union do not fear
this Corean gentleman, because he shall never take no work from nobody.
When not hitting pipe-smoke this Whee man is dreaming of ancestors. He
will also be one soon. When I observe such Corean patriot approaching to
me I choose next street, thank you. This man is Yellow Peril of bright
colour.
In one more cellar, close to where this Corean citizen reside, there
sleep one Polish gentleman name of Gumowsky. This Gumowsky man is notable
for forgetfulness in washing. Two times each year he is removed by
health Board, but this is of no use for Mr. Gumowsky who make financial
income collecting second-handed cigarettes. When he obtain sufficient
whiskey-drunk there is warcry from his downstairs residence and whichever
furniture he can discover to break is throwed on street to strike
by-passing pedestrians. Mr. Gumowsky is not good gentleman to inhabit
this American country. He is a Yellow Peril of dark colour, because
soiled.
Which is more better citizen, thank you—Mr. Whee of opium smoking and
Gumowsky of whiskey-drunking or Japanese Boy of derby hat, frockaway coat
and all other white manners of civilizedation?
On evening time of last Thursday night Japanese branch of Chinese
Exclusion League meet for church social at Asiatic M. E. Church where
good time were enjoyed there. My cousin Nogi took as escort Miss Mabel
Sanjijo who he are engaged to marry when divorced. I delivered to this
gaiety Miss Alice Furioki pleasant young lady of yellow extraction.
All Japanese Boys was present with other national ladies. Rev. Hon.
Chillworthy, American missionary, make all happy by coming late.
Japanese Boy Male Quartette open excitement by songing, “I love you the
same long years ago when first I meet you on the village green.” Songing
listened at with patience by all. Japanese solo was next performed
on phonograf. Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, do card-trick for
excitement of amusement. Then we enjoy “post-office” game to practise
kissing, American salute. When this was subsided I made so nervous as to
read following poetickal thought:
_ADDRESS TO CONGRESS ABOUT STOP-OFF OF YELLOW PERIL_
Make it hard for Chinese to come in, please,
Make it nice and easy for stay out.
Punish naughty China for that sin, please,
Show what for you mean such things about.
Chop chop head of Chinese immigration.
Bang-up foolish pigtail cooley-man,
Keep such Yellow Peril from your nation.
(That give room for persons from Japan.)
Swift-kick China off your map,
Shake-shake smile for glad-hand Jap!
Ship the negro person to some island—
That will solve one problem pretty quick.
Make the Injuns live upon a highland
Scared for to come down by that Big Stick.
Shoot the no-good Russian off this nation,
Send the black-hand Dago back to Rome;
Clean this land of foreign immigration—
Then the Japanese Boy feel at home.
Shoot the Yellow Peril—boom!—
Then the Jap Boy have more room.
After this rhythm Rev. Hon. Mr. Chillworthy nearly made talk-speech. He
was just saying it about “Higher Life for Japanese Boy” when something
happen which was too bad. Whang So, China boy, enter with two cousins,
Whang Get and Whang Gee. There was up-jump for all. Banzais could be seen
everywhere as chandeliers, etc., flew to heads of China boys while those
nationality was departing through windows. After these Chinese Exclusion
act was performed this church sociable busted up with prayers and ice
cream.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Mr. Editor, would you put following wedding notice in paper of
yours?
“Mr. Hashimura Togo of Kobe, Japan, will be marriaged to Miss Alice
Furioki of Tokyo, same place, ceremony to be had at Asiatic M. E. Church,
S. F. This excitement will take place when job is found for Japanese Boy
which is not now doing so.”
H. T.
IV
LADY SUFFERGETTES AND HOW THEY DO IT
SAN FRANCISCO, December 12th.
_Editor New York newspaper who enjoys great delight while
reading all poetry & story writings which he send back to
Author with smiling excuses_:
DEAREST SIR—What say that great poeter, Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about
ladies? He say as follows:
“O ladies, during idle moments
Inclined to make coyness with giggly expression,
Yet when sick-sorrow time of brain-ache come along
You are very skilful about being an Angel!”
Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice Furioki I got good chance to
study them Ladies.
Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by sex. This is a very
universal custom. Therefore, since original date of Eve & Adam ladies
of female gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and downtroddery all
time. Ladykind has been slave of gentlemankind from 1 o’clock of history
to present date; they has been personal dry-goods of them tyrants of
male descent without no privileges except following:
1. To tell husband what-time to get up by morning.
2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier by evenings?
3. To require, “What drunk are you carrying on breath?”
4. To save wages for him by spending it.
5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating of brain.
6. To select more fashionable friends for him.
7. To explain to him when he is foolish in business.
8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, etc., for which
he must vote it.
After doing them slavery for such numberous 1000s of year, all human
ladies is suddenly enjoying angry rage about them downtroddery. They wish
to do some poll-voting for therselves, because husbands is frequently
forgetful about how to do it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be
President.
So considerable Suffergetting is being did by ladies who learn to do it.
Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat from London where it is
always spoken with a English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be
admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of 35 years time can learn
to Suffergette if she is quiet about it and listen to speaker while she
is being arrested. This is how to do it most often:
English lady of name Mrs. Wellington Boots arrive to America dressed
silently in pink opera cloak with white ostrich in hat. She proceeds
herself quietly to Carnegie library, beating tunes on bass drum for fear
someone might notice her. On steps of that learned bookery she array her
feetsteps and make following speech:
“Oh!!”
With immediate quickness platoon of police make military formation,
reserves is brought out, still alarm for State Militia and half-holiday
is called in all dressmakers’ establishments. Delegates arrive from
Daughters of Rebecca, Neices of American Revolution, little Mothers’
Association, etc. while Hon. Mrs. Boots pull herself to complete tallness
and say,
“Fellow Sisters, let us arise up and smite it! Already we are ten million
strong, and I see Congressman Carrie Jones approaching with 4 nurse-girls
and 2 lady-cashiers, which makes us 6 stronger than we was. Let us
forward, then, to Liberty or somewhere. Let us make such a race-riot
around that Gentleman Tyrant that Heaven shall be punctuated with
screams and Earth shall be scattered with hairpins.”
So procession of Lady Suffergettes make forward motion in publick street.
Following is line of marching which they keeps:
_First Division._ Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson,
Congressmen Carrie Jones & Lily McGee, Major Gen. Birdie
Chowinsky. These eminent statesladies is mounted on red
automobiles and carry one delicious canary-colour Suffergette
flag embroideries of organization-motto “Dux et Draco” and
trimmed with tucks and real Irish lace.
_Second Division._ Composed of Salvation Army ladies’ Cornet
Band which is playing “Every Day is Ladies’ Day with Us.”
_Third Division._ Woman’s Temperance Race Suicide Union
carrying motto “Let the Men Bear the Children!”
_Fourth Division._ Representators of the ex-Housewives’
Association in carriages saying something serious to each
others.
_Fifth Division._ Cavalry Troup of Lady Cowboys giving examples
of rude riding.
_Sixth Division._ One Gentleman Suffergette on foot burdened
with motto “A Man’s a Man for a’ That.”
_Seventh Division._ Patrol wagons full of policemans with
dutiful expressions.
After they have did some ½ hour of marching, enthusiastick, etc.,
Congressman Carrie Jones say to Hon. Mrs. Boots, “Where shall we go to
demand it?”
“Let us gone to Parliament,” decry this Mrs. Boots who know how-so to do
it in England.
“So sorry not to do!” collapse several ladies in unicorn. “We have not
got a Parliament in this town.”
“Such an irritant! what a nation!” deploy Hon. Mrs. Boots. “Then let us
gone to City Hall.”
So ice-cream soda refreshment is enjoyed by all and procession makes
onwards to City Hall where it stops itself. Loud rapping on door of this
temple by all present.
“No admittance to come in!” say voice which is inside trembling.
“We require to see Hon. Mayor so that we can receive our rights, please,”
says Mrs. Boots with accent.
“No goods delivered till after lunch, thank you,” say that voice from
inside. “Hon. Mayor is outside eating it.”
“Then let us have Dist. Attorney, please!” peruse that chorus.
“No, ma’am, not to do!” dictate voice. “Hon. Dist. Attorney is outside
drinking it.”
(Patrol wagons stand by with respectable salutes.)
Loud reports from all lady Suffergettes. Forward march! Door is smashy
open and all mingle inside that City Hall filling it with female
political noises. Mayor office is found vacated. Nothing in Hon. Dist.
Attorney office except empty arm-chairs. Marriage Licence Bureau locked
with key. Nothing to resemblance of Man is discovered inside that City
Hall.
But No! One timid gentleman is found in City Treasury office hiding in
safe. It is the Janitor who is praying with voice, “Please to avoid
injury me—I am married to a wife.”
Janitor is permitted to go free, thank you, because of female relations.
Meeting is then held in office. Hon. Mrs. Boots is elect Mayor _pro tem._
till arrival of Chief of Police when all enjoy arrest and is taken to
Hon. Jail.
At Hon. Jail Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson and Major Gen. Birdie
Chowinsky is given comfortable cell on Murderers’ Row along with 6
Insurance Directors, 3 Congressmen, 1 Mayor, and 1 Boy Millionaire who
shot another gentleman under very fashionable circumstances.
Tea is served in cell and lady Suffergettes receive all-kind friends
which come to congratulate them about being there. American jails is
becoming too exclusive of lately. Persons must be very rich or very
famous, or else talented in some other way, to be locked up with all them
there financiers.
Every time I see patrol wagon making gallop-off to jail I am excited to
know if it is full of Suffergettes or if it contain another load of Trust
Co. Presidents.
* * * * *
I tell my cousin Nogi about that Suffergette procession the same I told
you about.
“It can not be true, because it isn’t,” he commit for pride.
“Why-so not so?” I recoil of contempt for short intelligence.
“Because thus,” he say it, “because in this America no real lady can get
arrested for nothing she does, no matter how much she does it. America
mans is weak from chivalry whenever their wifes & grandmothers needs
to be arrested. Besides something more. Would Hon. Gov. Hughes arrest
1,000 ladies for going to Albany with request, please, to be allowed to
vote for him? Would Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon ring for police-cart because
Suffergettes bust into Congress to exclaim, ‘We want ballot-box to
fill-up with sympathy for Jo-uncle Cannon?’ Would them candidates call
for law to protect gray hairs from this? Answer is, No! Votes is votes,
whether they got skirts on or something else. Washington is a very
comfortable place for persons of either gander or sex to go asking for
privilege to vote; for nearly everybody is a candidate in Washington.”
“Nogi, you are accused of being a Suffergette!” I collapse for disgust.
“I am not-so that,” renig this Nogi with blushes, “but Miss Mabel Sanjijo
enjoys such a membership.”
“Will she join lady-excursion to Suffergette in Washington on March 3?”
is next question for me.
“Yes-so—if she can borrow it for carfare,” this from Nogi. “If she
can not do she will stay at home & give Hon. Pres. Roosevelt absent
treatment.”
“Will Hon. Pres. Roosevelt add Suffergette plank to Hon. Republican
platform?” I ask to know.
“O probably yes-so!” say Nogi. “He have added everything else to that
platform. Why-so should he pause at them ladies?”
“What did Suffergette Delegation which visited Albany bring back from
that tour?” I decry.
“They brung back souvenir photo representing one Statesman peeking
through brush-heap. On this was wrote, ‘Choose Hughes & You Can not
Lose,’ This was took as good-luck sign for all Suffergettes.”
I am disgust of so much back-talk.
“One last reply I make,” I say. “Female ladies can not make success of it
in middle of Politicks. Shall we send old women to U. S. Senate?”
“Why not-so?” negotiate Nogi. “If Hons. Platt & Depew remain there so
long will 1 or 2 extra old ladies be conspicuous for notice?”
Here is some delicious poem for you to abuse:
_ALLEGORICAL NATURE FAKE ABOUT JAPANESE STORK-BIRD_
BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!
In Yeddo,
About 7063 B. C.
There dwell in suburban section
On roof-top chimbley of house
On street
One couple of legitimate Stork-birds
What was just like anybody.
All day Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird
Lie eggs
And look at Yeddo persons
With kind of smile.
All day Hon. Mr. Stork-bird
Go down town to transaction of business with salooners and other drunk.
He vote,
He work
He come home at night
When not forgetting to do so.
BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!
One Thursday afternoon
Mrs. Stork-bird enjoyed one thought
(Which was very scarcely found in them days)
“Gentlemen Stork make vote,
Lady Stork make egg.
So fierce to think!
Why should not Lady Stork make conversation
And Gentleman Stork attend to population?
I ask to know!
Therefore, why?”
So, after she had finished
Household duties of afternoon,
Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird
Flap-fly to chimney residence
Of considerable other Stork-birds
Of Yeddo.
To other lady Stork-birds she deply,
“Come off it!
Liberty, eggality, affinity
Is pass-key word
For downtroddy female!
Therefore, let us begin high-fly with superior intellects of
precinct-leaders & Republican caucases!”
Yet all Lady Storks deplore,
“What shall we do with eggs, please?”
“Drop eggs!” say Mrs. Stork-bird;
“Hon. Husbands can took care of eggs
If they is so bright about things.”
BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!
Lady-storks all desugerated
To sky-high.
They all run country for 28 annual years,
Elected Board of Supervisors
And did very happy job of politicks.
Gentleman Storks, who was discouraged,
Sat on nests,
But with such unhappiness of result!
At last one day people of Yeddo
Look up and decry,
“Where is all Stork-birds went?
My sakes!!
All nests diserted from,
No youthful Stork-birds to see—
Depopulatiousness must set in
Without eggs!!”
And so it was as true,
No eggs,
No storks—
All off!
BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!
This will make very sad song for harmonica.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
V
THE FINANCIAL BREAKDOWN
SAN FRANCISCO, January 9th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper, whichever gentleman or
gentlemans does such useful work there._
HON. MR. SIR—This U. S. Kingdom, Mr. Editor, is now at present enjoying
great panic of banking business. I do not participate in this calamity,
because I am making less salary than required for banking surplus.
Therefore I am not objecting to present money shake-down except because
I have none, and yet frequently I hear of stock-jump falling down
grade until it is broken and useless for finance. Yes, also several
banking-business go under. “Under what?” is question for me. For reply
I hear each get-poor gentleman say “Wall Street,” pointing to Augustus
Heinz on map.
This thoroughfare, Wall Street, must be magnificent place for some
persons to enjoy. My Cousin Nogi explain how about that avenue. “That
is very rich place for gilding,” he response, “each sidewalk there is
paved with gold money which broker gentlemen do not care for. Stock
exchange and many banking establishments there are constructed solidly of
gold-brick.”
“Nogi,” I relate, “you often know something. Thank you to answer 5
questions which I have prepared upon letter-paper for reply.”
“Relate such troubles to some editors,” say Nogi taking derby to go
call on Miss Mabel Sanjijo which he is engaged to marry when divorced.
Therefore I supply those 5 questions about Financial trouble for you to
look at, Mr. Sir:
1. When Stocks makes upstart motion why do it act so rather
than stand stationary?
2. When Stocks makes downstart movement, what for is the reason
and what would stop it?
3. Some gentlemen is called “broker”—what does he break to get
such names?
4. When money is lost in Wall St. can this be recovered by
advertising in newspaper?
5. Can you give Japanese Boy name and address of some
honourable gentleman who might tell accurately what time some
stocks will be making upstart movement soon?
Why do bank-houses burst? That is more easy answer than those questions
about Wall St. jumping of stocks. Banks burst because there is nothing
inside and pressure from outside causes cave in of walls. Why is there
nothing in banks when so bursted? Because persons makes runnings on
these banks in order to take outside what is inside. Maybe one man have
$1,000 in this bank-house. He go around to that place to see if these
money is comfortable there.
“Is my thousand dollar remaining comfortable in this deposit?” he require
of Hon. Pay-Teller.
“Yes, please,” respond this Financier, “all such moneys is right
deposited where put.”
“Thanks to know, Mr. Banker,” retort American gentleman. “If you please,
permit me to carry it from places to places in my pocket which I have.”
“You are obliged to it,” demand them Pay-Teller, and take $1,000 from
deposit, where was, to pocket of American gentleman, where is. Soonly
numberous American gentlemans learn about take-out of $1,000, so all make
running-stampede to bank-house where they say to Pay-Teller:
“Give _us_ each $1,000 to carry from places to places in _our_ pockets
which we have in our clothes!”
“You are obliged to it,” response the Pay-Teller. So he deposit $1,000
to all persons until bank-house bursts down and Wall St. enjoys frequent
panic of fear.
This show plainly that bank-houses bursting is blame of people who do it.
Rich men enjoying poverty are much stabbed by financial breaking. Poor
men enjoying large incomes of money are not so stung.
* * * * *
To avoid financial panic therefore persons should have too much wealthy
for this. How to get this money is question for Japanese Boy. How did
each great American gentleman acquire such millions? If Japanese Boy
could know how, he might follow example of Industry Captains and get
exhalted likewise. So I put on my derby to discover about this success in
business.
To Hon. Mr. Strunsky who keep saloon I go with enquiry. Like all Irish
gentlemen Mr. Strunsky is sweethearted when not enjoying angry fit.
“Tell me to know, Hon. Strunsky,” I examine, “how do this Rockefeller
acquire such many things?”
“He is successful in grafting,” response Mr. Strunsky.
“Thank you to response how Hon. Harriman also do so?” I talk.
“He is fine grafter,” suggest this Irish gentleman.
“In what profession do Hon. Hill, Hon. Lawson & Hon. Rodgers train
themselves for it?”
“Graft!” response Mr. Strunsky making blinking motion of eye.
Thanks so much to Mr. Strunsky I go away improved. I have now choosen
career to which I shall apply my mental thought. Grafting profession
is good thing for Japanese Boy to learn because this lead to famous
success and renown in American life. Maybe I go back Japan and teach this
knowledge in University of Tokyo.
To become great famous like Rockefeller, etc., must require so much
book-study of grafting. Where to get such books? Walter W. Shoji, who
study learning at California university, say that grafting is sometime
teached by professors together with law-courses. I go to S. F. public
library & there find volumes about farming, architecture, warfare,
arithmetic, socialism & religion, but no book to tell how grafting should
be done by a beginner wishing to do so.
* * * * *
Many persons speak of Hon. Abe Reuff, now residing in jail, as grafter.
This do not be so. Grafters are famous gentlemen, and therefore must be
great & good. This Hon. Reuff is not so, for why would he be there in
that jail then? He is so caged up for dishonestness. I would not study
grafting of dishonest man, because he might not teach me right. What did
Wm. Shakespeare, the great book-maker, say so? “Act well your part,
others take notice.”
Hon. Sir, do you pay cash-money for poetical thought like following
rhythm?
_POETRY REQUESTING HON. F. AUGUSTUS HEINZ TO TEACH GRAFTING TO JAPANESE
SCHOOLBOY_
Noble man, you tell me so
Something I require to know?
Where I go and what I do
Learn be wealthy man like you?
Money-king
Pulling string,
Up-stock, down-stock, everything!
Many person say to me,
“Save your money like John D.”—
Have to save much long to get
Hundred million dollar yet!
Start too late,
No can wait
Save up cash at such slow rate.
Other person speak more frank,
“Go take shoot-gun, hold up bank.”
That way sinful, for I know
Honest Grafter not do so.
Where you take
What you make?
Tell me how for mercy sake!
Some folks say, “It not wise plan
Get-rich-quick from stock-talk man.”
John get-rich-quick by such game—
Why not Jap Boy do the same?
One—two—three,
Out goes he—
John stay in (that place for me!)
Tell me, please, what thing I need,
What course study, what book read,
Make Success of all can do,
Be Great Grafter same like you?
Be great man,
Make all can,
Teach this Graft to dear Japan.
Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, come me to-day and make tearful cries
because I have decided to be Grafter instead of learning missionary job.
When he know that I am firmtooth to my purpose he tell me this story
about antique Japan:
Seven million years previously to the present Japan dynasty the great
philosopher Nichi Nichi sat down to make fishing-sport by small
stream-creek of Yeddo. While engaged in putting angly-worm bait on
fish-hook he look down in stream-creek and observe twelve thousand
sucker-fish in water making eye-wink at angly-worm bait.