_Commodore Buncombe._ Because I know those infernal Tentonners, and
---- Chartreuse jaune only makes me worse.
_William Sikes._ Because of the gross incompetence of my Counsel,
and the ridiculous adverse prepossessions of the Jury at my recent
appearance in public at the C.C.C.
_McStinger._ Because there's bonny braw air on the braes of Hampstead,
and it costs but a bawbee to get intil it.
_Fitz-Fluke._ Because, since that awkward affair at the Roulette Club,
my country invitations haven't come in.
_Capel Courtney._ Because those beastly bucket-shops have collared all
our business.
_Bumpshus, M.P._ Because the Lords of the Treasury (shabby crew
of place-hunters) declined to adopt my suggestion, and to place a
trooper, thoroughly well found, victualled, and overhauled, at the
disposal of any Members of the Lower House whose profound sense of
duty, and of the importance of the Imperial Federation idea, impelled
them to take a six-months' trip round the world at the nation's
expense.
_Theodore John Hook Straight._ Because of the old trouble--"got a
complaint in the chest."
* * * * *
[Illustration: PHILLIPOPOLIS.
_Toper Major_ (_over their third bottle of a Grand Vin_). I shay,
ol' f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp--at
Philup-popple--
_Toper Minor._ I know, ol'f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo--poppo--
_Toper Major._ Thatsh it--shame place. Have 'nother bo'l!
[_They drink._]
* * * * *
"THE SPEECH OF MONKEYS."--Professor R.L. GARNER, who is a great
hand at "getting his Monkey up" (he was naturally a bit annoyed at
being, quite recently, accidentally prevented from giving his Monkey
lecture), is about to commence operations by adapting the old song
of "_Let us be Happy Together_" to Monkey Language, when it will
re-appear as "_Let us be Apey Together_." It will be first given at
Monkey Island on Thames.
* * * * *
CRICKETERS WHO OUGHT TO BE GOOD HANDS AT PLAYING A TIE.--"The Eleven
of Notts."
* * * * *