shouts of his grateful and admiring countrymen, but to the Freemason's,
the Crown and Anchor, or the Town Hall, there to have his plate heaped
with the choicest viands, his glass tilled from the best bins, and "his
health drank with three times three, and a little one in."
The bard has now to experience "the happiest moment of his life" amid
the jingling of glasses, the rattle of dessert plates, and the
stentorian vociferations of the toast-master to "charge your glasses,
gentlemen--Mr. Dionysius Dactyl, the ornament of the age, with nine
times nine," and to pour out the flood of his poetic gratitude, with
half a glass of port in one hand and a table-napkin in the other.
The Cicero who has persuaded an enlightened body of electors to receive
£10,000 decimated amongst them, and has in return the honour of
sleeping in "St. Stephen's," and smoking in "Bellamy's," or, to be less
figurative, who has been returned as their representative in
Parliament, receives the foretaste of his importance in a "public
dinner," which commemorates his election; or should he desire to
express "the deep sense of his gratitude," like Lord Mahon at Hertford,
he cannot better prove his sincerity than by the liberal distribution
of invitations for the unrestrained consumption of mutton, and the
unlimited imbibition of "foreign wines and spirituous liquors."
If a renegade, like Sir Francis Burdett, is desirous of making his
apostacy the theme of general remark--of surprising the world with an
exhibition of prostrated worth--let him not seek the market-cross to
publish his dishonour, whilst there remains the elevated chair at a
dinner-table. Let him prove himself entitled to be ranked as a man, by
the elaborate manner in which he seasons his soup or anatomises a
joint. Let him have the glass and the towel--the one to cool the
tongue, which must burn with the fulsome praises of those whom he has
hitherto decried, and the other as a ready appliance to conceal the
blush which must rush to the cheek from the consciousness of the
thousand recollections of former professions awakened in the minds of
every applauder of his apostacy. Let him have a Toole to give bold
utterance to the toasts which, in former years, would have called forth
his contumely and indignation, and which, even now, he dare only
whisper, lest the echo of his own voice should be changed into a curse.
Let him have wine, that his blood may riot through his veins and drive
memory onward. Let him have wine, that when the hollow cheers of his
new allies ring in his ears he may be incapable of understanding their
real meaning; or, when he rises to respond to the lip-service of his
fellow bacchanals, the fumes may supply the place of mercy, and save
him from the abjectness of self-degradation. Burdett! the 20th of
August will never be forgotten! You have earned an epitaph that will
scorch men's eyes--
"To the last a renegade."[2]
* * * *
[2] "Siege of Corinth."
Who that possesses the least reflection ever visited a police-office
without feeling how intimately it was connected with the cook-shop! The
victims to the intoxicating qualities of pickled salmon, oyster-sauce,
and lobster salad, are innumerable; for where one gentleman or lady
pleads guilty to too much wine, a thousand extenuate on the score of
indigestion. We are aware that the disorganisation of the digestive
powers is very prevalent--about one or two in the morning--and we have
no doubt the Conservative friends of Captain Rous, who patriotically
contributed five shillings each to the Queen, and one gentleman (a chum
of our own at Cheam, if we mistake not) a sovereign to the poor-box,
were all doubtlessly suffering from this cause, combined with their
enthusiasm for the gallant Rous, and--_proh pudor!_--Burdett.
How much, then, are we indebted to our cooks! those perspiring
professors of gastronomy and their valuable assistants--the industrious
scullery-maids. Let not the Melbourne opposition to this meritorious
class, be supported by the nation at large; for England would soon
cease to occupy her present proud pre-eminence, did her rulers, her
patriots, and her heroes, sit down to cold mutton, or the villanously
dressed "joints ready from 12 to 5." Justice is said to be the
foundation of all national prosperity--we contend that it is
repletion--that Mr. Toole, the toast-master, is the only embodiment of
fame, and that true glory consists of a gratuitous participation in
"Three courses and a dessert!"
* * * * *
INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.
Great Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head.
And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
"She died of _milk_ and _water on the brain_."
* * * * *
PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--NO. VII.
[Illustration: TRIMMING A W(H)IG.]
* * * * *
NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE.
[The bronze statue of Napoleon which was last placed on the summit
of the grand column at Boulogne with extraordinary ceremony, has
been turned, by design or accident, with its back to England.]
Upon its lofty column's stand,
Napoleon takes his place;
His back still turned upon that land
That never saw his face.
THE HIEROGLYPHIC DECIPHERED.
The letters V.P.W. scratched by some person on the brow of the statue
of Napoleon while it lay on the ground beside the column, which were
supposed to stand for the insulting words _Vaincu par Wellington_, have
given great offence to the French. We have authority for contradicting
this unjust explanation. The letters are the work of an ambitious
Common Councilman of Portsoken Ward, who, wishing to associate himself
with the great Napoleon, scratched on the bronze the initials of his
name--V.P.W.--VILLIAM PAUL WENABLES.
* * * * *
[Transcriber's note: This was marked as "NO. 3", but it is the 5th
one of the series.]
SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 5.
"O fly with me, lady, my gallant _destrere_
Is as true as the brand by my side;
Through flood and o'er moorland his master he'll bear,
With the maiden he seeks for a bride."
This, this was the theme of the troubadour's lay,
And thus did the lady reply:--
"Sir knight, ere I trust thee, look hither and say,
Do you see any green in my eye?"
"O, doubt me not, lady, my lance shall maintain
That thou'rt peerless in beauty and fame;
And the bravest should eat of the dust of the plain,
Who would quaff not a cup to thy name."
"I doubt not thy prowess in list or in fray,
For none dare thy courage belie;
And I'll trust thee, though kindred and priest say me nay--
When you see any green in my eye!"
* * * * *
TO POLITICAL WRITERS,
AND TO THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES" IN PARTICULAR.
Mr. Solomons begs to announce to reporters of newspapers, that he has
constructed, at a very great expense, several sets of new glasses,
which will enable the wearer to see as small or as great a number of
auditors, at public conferences and political meetings, as may suit his
purpose. Mr. Solomons has also invented a new kind of ear-trumpet,
which will enable a reporter to hear only such portions of an harangue
as may be in accordance with his political bias; or should there be
nothing uttered by any speaker that may suit his purpose, these
ear-trumpets will change the sounds of words and the construction of
sentences in such a way as to be incontrovertible, although every
syllable should be diverted from its original meaning and intention.
They have also the power of larding a speech with "loud cheers," or
"strong disapprobation."
These valuable inventions have been in use for some years by Mr.
Solomons' respected friend, the editor of the _Times_; but no publicity
has been given to them, until Mr. S. had completely tested their
efficacy. He has now much pleasure in subjoining, for the information
of the public, the following letter, of the authenticity of which Mr.
S. presumes no one can entertain a doubt.
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES."
It is with much pleasure that I am enabled, my dear Solomons, to give
my humble testimony in favour of your new political glasses and
ear-trumpet. By their invaluable aid I have been enabled, for some
years, to see and hear just what suited my purpose. I have recommended
them to my _protégé_, Sir Robert Peel, who has already tried the
glasses, and, I am happy to state, does not see quite so many
objections to a fixed duty as he did before using these wonderful
illuminators. The gallant Sibthorp (at my recommendation) carried one
of your ear-trumpets to the House on Friday last, and states that he
heard his honoured leader declare, "that the Colonel was the only man
who ought to be Premier--after himself."
If these testimonies are of any value to you, publish them by all
means, and believe me.
Yours faithfully,
JOHN WALTER.
_Printing House Square._
Mr. S. begs to state, that though magnifying and diminishing glasses
are no novelty, yet his invention is the only one to suit the interest
of parties without principle.
* * * * *
CON. BY THEODORE HOOK.
"What sentimental character does the re-elected Speaker remind you
of?"--Ans. by Croker: "P_(shaw!) Lefevre_, to be sure."
* * * * *
A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT.
We regret to state that the second ball at the Boulogne _fête_ was
simply remarkable from "its having gone off without any disturbance."
Where _were_ the national guards?
* * * * *
UNSATISFACTORY CONDITION OF FOREIGN BEEF--(CAUTION TO GOURMANDS).
A corresponedent of the _Times_ forwards the alarming intelligence that
at the Boulogne Races the _stakes_ never _fill_! Sibthorp, the gifted
Sib, ever happy at expedients, ingeniously recommends a _trial_ of the
_chops_.
* * * * *
A TRIFLE FROM LITTLE TOMMY.
TO AN ELDERLY BEAUTY.
"Ah! Julia, time all tilings destroys,
The heart, the blood, the pen;
But come, I'll re-enact young joy
And be myself again.
"Yet stay, sweet Julia, how is this
Thine are not lips at all;
Your face is _plastered_, and you kiss,
Like Thisbe--_through a wall_."
* * * * *
PROSPECTUS FOR A PROVIDENT ANNUITY COMPANY.
1. The capital of this Company is to consist of £0,000,001; one-half of
it to be vested in Aldgate Pump, and the other moiety in the Dogger
Bank.
2. Shares, at £50 each, will be issued to any amount; and interest paid
thereon when convenient.
3. A board, consisting of twelve directors, will be formed; but, to
save trouble, the management of the Company's affairs will be placed in
the hands of the secretary.
4. The duties of trustees, auditor, and treasurer, will also be
discharged by the secretary.
5. Each shareholder will he presented with a gratuitous copy of the
Company's regulations, printed on fine foolscap.
6. Individuals purchasing annuities of this company, will be allowed a
large-rate of interest on paper for their money, calculated on an
entirely novel sliding-scale. Annuitants will be entitled to receive
their annuities whenever they can get them.
7. The Company's office will be open at all hours for the receipt of
money; but it is not yet determined at what time the paying branch of
the department will come into operation.
8. The secretary will be allowed the small salary of £10,000 a-year.
9. In order to simplify the accounts, there will be no books kept. By
this arrangement, a large saving will be effected in the article of
clerks, &c.
10. The annual profits of the company will be fixed at 20 per cent.,
but it is expected that there will be no inquiry made after dividends.
11. All monies received for and by the company, to be deposited in the
breeches-pocket of the secretary, and not to be withdrawn from thence
without his special sanction.
12. The establishment to consist of a secretary and porter.
13. The porter is empowered to act as secretary in the absence of that
officer; and the secretary is permitted to assist the porter in the
arduous duties of his situation.
*** Applications for shares or annuities to be made to the secretary of
the Provident Annuity Company, No. 1, Thieves Inn.
* * * * *
AWFUL ACCIDENT.
Our reporter has just forwarded an authentic statement, in which he
vouches, with every appearance of truth, that "Lord Melbourne dined at
home on Wednesday last." The neighbourhood is in an agonising state of
excitement.
FURTHER PARTICULARS.
(_Particularly exclusive_.)
Our readers will be horrified to learn the above is not the whole
extent of this alarming event. From a private source of the highest
possible credit, we are informed that his "Lordship also took tea."
FURTHEST PARTICULARS.
Great Heavens! when will our painful duties end? We tremble as we
write,--may we be deceived!--but we are compelled to announce the
agonising fact--"he also supped!"
BY EXPRESS.
(_From our own reporter on the spot_!)
DEAR SIR,--"The dinner is fatally true! but, I am happy to state, there
are doubts about the tea, and you may almost wholly contradict the
supper."
SECOND EXPRESS.
"I have only time to say, things are not so bad! The tea is disproved,
and the supper was a gross exaggeration.
"N.B. My horse is dead!"
THIRD EXPRESS.
Hurrah! Glorious news! There is no truth in the above fearful rumour;
it is false from beginning to end, and, doubtless, had its vile origin
from some of the "adverse faction," as it is clearly of such a nature
as to convulse the country. To what meanness will not these Tories
stoop, for the furtherance of their barefaced schemes of oppression and
pillage! The facts they have so grossly distorted with their tortuous
ingenuity and demoniac intentions, are simply these:--A saveloy was
ordered by one of the upper servants (who is on board wages, and finds
his own kitchen fire), the boy entrusted with its delivery mistook the
footman for his lordship. This is very unlikely, as the man is willing
to make an affidavit he had "just cleaned himself," and therefore, it
is clear the boy must have been a paid emissary. But the public will be
delighted to learn, to prevent the possibility of future
mistakes--"John" has been denuded of his whiskers--the only features
which, on a careful examination, presented the slightest resemblance to
his noble master. In fact, otherwise the fellow is remarkably
good-looking.
* * * * *
HINTS TO NEW MEMBERS.
BY AN OLD TRIMMER.
It being now an established axiom that every member goes into
Parliament for the sole purpose of advancing his own private interest,
and not, as has been ignorantly believed, for the benefit of his
country or the constituency he represents, it becomes a matter of vast
importance to those individuals who have not had the advantage of long
experience in the house, to be informed of the mode usually adopted by
honourable members in the discharge of their legislative duties. With
this view the writer, who has, for the last thirty years, done business
on both sides of the house, and always with the strictest regard to the
main chance, has collected a number of hints for the guidance of
juvenile members, of which the following are offered as a sample:--
HINT 1.--It is a vulgar error to imagine that a man, to be a member of
Parliament, requires either education, talents, or honesty: all that it
is necessary for him to possess is--impudence and humbug!
HINT 2.--When a candidate addresses a constituency, he should promise
everything. Some men will only pledge themselves to what their
conscience considers right. Fools of this sort can never hope to be
[Illustration: RETURNED BY A LARGE MAJORITY.]
HINT 3.--Oratory is a showy, but by no means necessary, accomplishment
in the house. If a member knows when to say "Ay" or "No," it is quite
sufficient for all useful purposes.
HINT 4.--If, however, a young member should be seized with, the desire
of speaking in Parliament, he may do so without the slighest regard to
sense, as the reporters in the gallery are paid for the purpose of
making speeches for honourable members; and on the following morning he
may calculate on seeing, in the columns of the daily papers, a full
report of his splendid
[Illustration: MAIDEN SPEECH.]
HINT 5.--A knowledge of the exact time to cry "Hear, hear!" is
absolutely necessary. A severe cough, when a member of the opposite
side of the house is speaking, is greatly to be commended; cock-crowing
is also a desirable qualification for a young legislator, and, if
judiciously practised, cannot fail to bring the possessor into the
notice of his party.
HINT 6.--The back seats in the gallery are considered, by several
members, as the most comfortable for taking a nap on.
HINT 7.--If one honourable member wishes to tell another honourable
member that he is anything but a gentleman, he should be particular to
do so within the walls of the house--as, in that case, the Speaker will
put him under arrest, to prevent any unpleasant consequences arising
from his hasty expressions.
HINT 8.--If a member promise to give his vote to the minister, he must
in honour do so--unless he happen to fall asleep in the smoking-room,
and so gets shut out from the division of the house.
HINT 9.--No independent member need trouble himself to understand the
merits of any question before the house. He may, therefore, amuse
himself at Bellamy's until five minutes before the Speaker's bell rings
for a division.
* * * * *
RATHER SUICIDAL.
"The health of the Earl of Winchilsea and the Conservative members of
the House of Peers," was followed, amid intense cheering, with the glee
of
"Swearing death to traitor slaves!"--_Times_.
* * * * *
NOVEL EXPERIMENT.--GREAT SCREW.
Several scientific engineers have formed themselves into a company, and
are about applying for an Act of Parliament to enable them to take a
lease of Joe Hume, for the purpose of opposing the Archimedean Screw.
Public feeling is already in favour of the "Humedean," and the "Joe"
shares are rising rapidly.
* * * * *
PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 3.
One of the expedients adopted by the cheap-knowledge-mongers to convey
so-called "information" to the vulgar, has been, we flatter ourselves,
successfully imitated in our articles on the Stars and the Thermometer.
They are by writers engaged expressly for the respective subjects,
because they will work cheaply and know but little of what they are
writing about, and therefore make themselves the better understood by
the equally ignorant. We do hope that they have not proved themselves
behindhand in popular humbug and positive error, and that the blunders
in "the Thermometer"[3] are equally as amusing as those of the then
big-wig who wrote the treatise on "Animal Mechanics," published by our
rival Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge.
[3] One of these blunders the author must not be commended for; it is
attributable to a facetious mistake of the printer. In giving the
etymology of the Thermometer, it should have been "measure of _heat_,"
and not "measure of _feet_." We scorn to deprive our devil of a joke so
worthy of him.
Another of their methods for obtaining cheap knowledge it is now our
intention to adopt. Having got the poorest and least learned authors we
could find (of course for cheapness) for our former pieces of
information, we have this time engaged a gentleman to mystify a few
common-place subjects, in the style of certain articles in the "Penny
Cyclopædia." As his erudition is too profound for ordinary
comprehensions--as he scorns gain--as the books he has hitherto
published (no, privated) have been printed at his own expense, for the
greater convenience of reading them himself, for nobody else does
so--as, in short, he is in reality a cheap-knowledge man, seeing that
he scorns pay, and we scorn to pay him--we have concluded an engagement
with him for fourteen years.
The subject on which we have directed him to employ his vast scientific
acquirements, is one which must come home to the firesides of the
married and the bosoms of the single, namely, the art of raising a
flame; in humble imitation of some of Young's Knights' Thoughts, which
are directed to the object of lightening the darkness of servants,
labourers, artisans, and chimney-sweeps, and in providing guides to the
trades or services of which they are already masters or mistresses. We
beg to present our readers with
PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVICE;
OR,
[Illustration: THE HOUSEMAID'S BEST FRIEND.]
CHAPTER 1.
ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES.
Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections of the
ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire-wood), and
arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity rectilineally along
the interior of the igneous receptacle known as a grate, so as to form
an acute angle (of, say 25°) with its base; and one (of, say 65°) with
the posterior plane that is perpendicular to it; taking care at the
same time to leave between each parallelopedal section an insterstice
isometrical with the smaller sides of any one of their six
quadrilateral superficies, so as to admit of the free circulation of
the atmospheric fluid. Superimposed upon this, arrange several
moderate-sized concretions of the hydro-carburetted substance (_vulgo_
coal), approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic
dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may
constitute the different points of contact with those immediately
adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the
ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a sheet of
laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of the digits into
an irregular spheroid.
These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed, the
process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a smaller
woody paralleloped--the extremities of which have been previously
dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefaction--must be ignited and
applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and so elevate its
temperature to a degree required for its combustion, which will be
communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this again raises the
temperature of the hydro-carburet concretion, and liberates its
carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas, combining with the
oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into combustion, and a general
ignition ensues. This, in point of fact, constitutes what is popularly
termed--"lighting a fire."
* * * * *
AN IMMINENT BREACH.
In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained _fifteen
hundred pounds damages_, for a breach of promise of marriage, against a
faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the following trifle on the
subject:--
What! _fifteen hundred!_--'tis a sum severe;
The fine by far the injury o'erreaches.
For _one_ poor _breach_ of promise 'tis too dear--
'Twould be sufficient for a _pair of breaches_!
* * * * *
SCHOOL OF DESIGN.
Several designing individuals, whose talents for _drawing_ on paper are
much greater than those of Charles Kean for drawing upon the stage, met
together at Somerset House, on Monday last, to distribute prizes among
their scholars. Prince Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great
suavity, and made a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and
a-half.
The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a successful
_design_ for completely frustrating certain commercial _views_ upon
China, and for his new invention of _auto-painting_. Prize: an order
upon Truefit for a new wig.
Master John Russell was next called up.--This talented young gentleman
had designed a gigantic "penny loaf;" which, although too immense for
practical use, yet, his efforts having been exclusively directed to
fanciful design, and not to practical possibility, was highly
applauded. Master Russell also evinced a highly precocious talent for
_drawing_--his salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New
Marriage Act.
The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby. This
young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new prison, so
contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and society, in any
degree proportionate with their crimes. This young gentleman was
brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable talent in
_drawing_ prisoners out of durance vile. He was much complimented on
the salutary effect upon his studies, which his pupilage at the school
of design had wrought. Prize: an order from Colburn for a new novel.