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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 28, 1841.
* * * * *
THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON
COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR.
[Illustration: T]The following is extracted from the _Parliamentary
Guide_ for 18--:--"APPLEBITE, ISAAC (_Puddingbury_). Born March 25,
1780; descended from his grandfather, and has issue." And upon
reference to a monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first
Mrs. Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large
tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs.
Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is
blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause or
another--I say upon reference to this monument, upon which is blazoned
forth all the stock virtues of those who employ stonemasons, I find,
that in July, 18--, the said Isaac was gathered unto Abraham's bosom,
leaving behind him--a seat in the House of Commons--a relict--the issue
aforesaid, and £50,000 in the three per cents.
The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband, that
two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to her, as some
sort of consolation under her bereavement of the "best of husbands and
the kindest of fathers." (_Vide_ monument.) Old Isaac must have been a
treasure, for his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous
to learn if there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon
as the monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she
married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started to
the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son--
AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic "cherub" and the
"issue" alluded to in the _Parliamentary Guide_), to the care of
himself.
A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had 16,000
and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled naturally,
stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always gave a shilling
to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out all night (but
once), and paid regularly every Monday morning. Agamemnon Collumpsion
Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women were delighted to see him,
and the men to dine with him: to the one he gave _bouquets_; to the
other, cigars: in short, everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A.
considered that A1 was his proper mark.
It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he _is_ really happy: he
may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may even persuade himself that
addition or subtraction would be certain to interfere with the
perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceives himself. If he wishes to
assure himself of the exact state of his feelings, let him ask his
friends; they are disinterested parties, and will find out some
annoyance that has escaped his notice. It was thus with Agamemnon
Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up his mind that he wanted for
nothing, when it was suddenly found out by his friends that he was in a
state of felicitous destitution. It was discovered simultaneously, by
five mamas and eighteen daughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite
_must_ want a wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must
be a source of _undivided_ anxiety to him. Stimulated by the most
praiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was entered into by the
aforesaid five mamas, on behalf of the aforesaid eighteen daughters, by
which they were pledged to use every means to convince Agamemnon
Collumpsion Applebite of his deplorable condition; but no unfair
advantage was to be taken to ensure a preference for any particular one
of the said eighteen daughters, but that the said Agamemnon Collumpsion
Applebite should be left free to exercise his own discretion, so far as
the said eighteen daughters were concerned, but should any other
daughter, of whatever mama soever, indicate a wish to become a
competitor, she was to be considered a common enemy, and scandalized
accordingly.
Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, about ten o'clock on the following
evening, was seated on a sofa, between Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs.
Waddledot (the two mamas deputed to open the campaign), each with a cup
of very prime Mocha coffee, and a massive fiddle-pattern tea-spoon. On
the opposite side of the room, in a corner, was a very large cage, in
the sole occupancy of a solitary Java sparrow.
"My poor bird looks very miserable," sighed Mrs. Greatgirdle, (the
hostess upon this occasion.)
"Very miserable!" echoed Mrs. Waddledot; and the truth of the remark
was apparent to every one.
The Java sparrow was moulting and suffering from a cutaneous disorder
at the same time; so what with the falling off, and scratching off of
his feathers, he looked in a most deplorable condition; which was
rendered more apparent by the magnitude of his cage. He seemed like the
_last_ debtor confined in the Queen's Bench.
"He has never been himself since the death of his mate." (Here the bird
scarified himself with great violence.) "He is so restless; and though
he eats very well, and hops about, he seems to have lost all care of
his person, as though he would put on mourning if he had it."
"Is there no possibility of dyeing his feathers?" remarked Agamemnon
Collumpsion, feeling the necessity of saying something.
"It is not the inky cloak, Mr. Applebite," replied Mrs. Greatgirdle,
"that truly indicates regret; but it's here," (laying her hand upon her
left side): "no--there, under his liver wing, that he feels it, poor
bird! It's a shocking thing to live alone."
"And especially in such a large cage," said Mrs. Waddledot. "_Your
house_ is rather large, Mr. Applebite?" inquired Mrs. Greatgirdle.
"Rather, ma'am," replied Collumpsion.
"Ain't you very lonely?" said Mrs. Waddledot and Mrs. Greatgirdle both
in a breath.
"Why, not--"
"Very lively, you were going to say," interrupted Mrs. G.
Now Mrs. G. was wrong in her conjecture of Collumpsion's reply. He was
about to say, "Why, not at all;" but she, of course, knew best what he
ought to have answered.
"I often feel for you, Mr. Applebite," remarked Mrs. Waddledot; "and
think how strange it is that you, who really are a nice young man--and
I don't say so to flatter you--that you should have been so
unsuccessful with the ladies."
Collumpsion's vanity was awfully mortified at this idea.
"It _is_ strange!" exclaimed Mrs. G "I wonder it don't make you
miserable. There is no home, I mean the '_Sweet, sweet_ home,' without
a wife. Try, try again, Mr. Applebite," (tapping his arm as she rose;)
"faint heart never won fair lady."
"I refused Mr. Waddledot three times, but I yielded at last; take
courage from that, and 24, Pleasant Terrace, may shortly become that
Elysium--a woman's home," whispered Mrs. W., as she rolled gracefully
to a card-table; and accidentally, _of course_, cut the ace of spades,
which she exhibited to Collumpsion with a very mysterious shake of the
head.
Agamemnon returned to 24, Pleasant Terrace, a discontented man. He felt
that there was no one sitting up for him--nothing but a rush-light--the
dog might bark as he entered, but no voice was there to welcome him,
and with a heavy heart he ascended the two stone steps of his dwelling.
He took out his latch-key, and was about to unlock the door, when a
loud knocking was heard in the next street. Collumpsion paused, and
then gave utterance to his feelings. "That's music--positively music.
This is my house--there's my name on the brass-plate--that's my
knocker, as I can prove by the bill and receipt; and, yet, here I am
about to sneak in like a burglar. Old John sha'n't go to bed another
night; I'll not indulge the lazy scoundrel any longer, Yet the poor old
fellow nursed me when a child. I'll compromise the matter--I'll knock,
and let myself in." So saying, Collumpsion thumped away at the door,
looked around to see that he was unobserved, applied his latch-key, and
slipped into his house just as old John, in a state of great alarm and
undress, was descending the stairs with a candle and a boot-jack.
* * * * *
AN ACUTE ANGLE.
We read in the _Glasgow Courier_ of an enormous salmon hooked at Govan,
which measured three feet, three inches in length. The _Morning Herald_
mentions several gudgeons of twice the size, caught, we understand, by
Alderman Humphery, and conveyed to Town per Blackwall Railway.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
IMPORTANT NEWS FROM CHINA.
ARRIVAL OF THE OVERLAND MAIL!
_August 28, 1841._
We have received expresses from the Celestial Empire by our own private
electro-galvanic communication. As this rapid means of transmission
carries dispatches so fast that we generally get them even before they
are written, we are enabled to be considerably in advance of the common
daily journals; more especially as we have obtained news up to the end
of next week.
The most important paper which has come to hand is the _Macao Sunday
Times_. It appears that the fortifications for surrounding Pekin are
progressing rapidly, but that the government have determined upon
building the ramparts of japanned canvas and bamboo rods, instead of
pounded rice, which was thought almost too fragile to resist the
attacks of the English barbarians. Some handsome guns, of blue and
white porcelain, have been placed on the walls, with a proportionate
number of carved ivory balls, elaborately cut one inside the other.
These, it is presumed, will split upon firing, and produce incalculable
mischief and confusion. Within the gates a frightful magazine of gilt
crackers, and other fireworks, has been erected; which, in the event of
the savages penetrating the fortifications, will be exploded one after
another, to terrify them into fits, when they will be easily captured.
This precaution has been scarcely thought necessary by some of the
mandarins, as our great artist, Wang, has covered the external
joss-house with frantic figures that, must strike terror to every
barbarian. Gold paper has also been kept constantly burning, on altars
of holy clay, at every practicable point of the defences, which it is
hardly thought they will have the hardihood to approach, and the sacred
ducks of Fanqui have been turned loose in the river to retard the
progress of the infidel fleet.
During the storm of last week the portcullis, which hail been placed in
the northern gate, and was composed of solid rice paper, with
cross-bars of chop-sticks, was much damaged. It is now under repair,
and will be coated entirely with tea-chest lead, to render it perfectly
impregnable. The whole of the household troops and body-guard of the
emperor have also received new accoutrements of tin-foil and painted
isinglass. They have likewise been armed with varnished bladders,
containing peas and date stones, which produce a terrific sound upon
the least motion.
An Englishman has been gallantly captured this morning, in a small
boat, by one of our armed junks. He will eat his eyes in the
Palace-court this afternoon; and then, being enclosed in soft
porcelain, will be baked to form a statue for the new pagoda at
Bo-Lung, the first stone of which was laid by the late emperor, to
celebrate his victory over the rude northern islanders.
_Canton_.
The last order of the government, prohibiting the exportation of tea
and rhubarb, has been issued by the advice of Lin, who translates the
English newspapers to the council. It is affirmed in these journals,
that millions of these desert tribes have no other beverage than tea
for their support. As their oath prohibits any other liquor, they will
be driven to water for subsistence, and, unable to correct its
unhealthy influence by doses of rhubarb, will die miserably. In
anticipation of this event, large catacombs are being erected near
their great city, on the authority of Slo-Lefe-Tee, who visited it last
year, and intends shortly to go there again. The rhubarb prohibition
will, it is said, have a great effect upon the English market for
plums, pickled salmon, and greengages; and the physicians, or disciples
of the great Hum, appear uncertain as to the course to be pursued.
The emperor has issued a chop to the Hong merchants, forbidding them to
assist or correspond with the invaders, under pain of having their
finger-nails drawn out and rings put in their noses. Howqua resists the
order, and it is the intention of Lin, should he remain obstinate, to
recommend his being pounded up with broken crockery and packed in
Chinese catty packages, to be forwarded, as an example, to the Mandarin
Pidding, of the wild island.
An English flag, stolen by a deserter from Chusan, will be formally
insulted to-morrow in the market-place, by the emperor and his court.
Dust will be thrown at it, accompanied by derisive grimaces, and it
will be subsequently hoisted, in scorn, to blow, at the mercy of the
winds, upon the summit of the palace, within sight of the barbarians.
LEVANT MAIL.
CONSTANTINOPLE, ALEXANDRIA, AND SMYRNA.
_August 30._
The Sultan got very fuddled last night, with forbidden juice, in the
harem, and tumbled down the ivory steps leading from the apartment of
the favourite, by which accident he seriously cut his nose. Every guard
is to be bastinadoed in consequence, and the wine-merchant will be
privately sewn up in a canvas-bag and thrown into the Bosphorus this
evening.
A relation of Selim Pacha, despatched by the Sultan to collect taxes in
Beyrout, was despatched by the Syrians a few hours after his arrival.
The periodical conflagration of the houses, mosques, and synagogues, in
Smyrna, took place with great splendour on the 30th ult., and the next
will be arranged for the ensuing month, when everybody suspected of the
plague will receive orders from the government to remain in their
dwellings until they are entirely consumed. By this salutary
arrangement, it is expected that much improvement will take place in
the public health.
The inundation of the Nile has also been very favourable this year, The
water has risen higher than usual, and carried off several hundred poor
people. The Board of Guardians of the Alexandria Union are consequently
much rejoiced.
* * * * *
TO MR GREEN, THE INSPECTOR OF HIGHWAYS.
ON HIS RECENT SKYLARK.
"The air hath bubbles as the water hath."
Huzza! huzza! there goes the balloon--
'Tis up like a rocket, and off to the moon!
Now fading from our view,
Or dimly seen;
Now lost in the deep _blue_
Is Mr. _Green_!
Pray have a care,
In your path through the air,
And mind well what you do;
For if you chance to slip
Out of your airy ship,
Then _down_ you come, and all is _up_ with you.
* * * * *
FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS.
Two thousand and thirty-five remarkably fine calves, from their various
rural pasturages at Smithfield. Some of the _heads_ of the party have
since been seen in the very highest society.
* * * * *
ADVICE GRATIS.
"What will you take?" said Peel to Russell, on adjourning from the
School of Design. "Anything you recommend." "Then let it be your
departure," was the significant rejoinder.
* * * * *
PLEASANT CROPS ABROAD.--A GOOD LOOK OUT FOR THE SYRIANS.
"French agents are said to _be sowing discontent_ in Syria."--_Sunday
Times_.
* * * * *
THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
Having advised you in our last paper of "Dress in general," we now
proceed to the important consideration of
DRESS IN PARTICULAR,
a subject of such paramount interest and magnitude, that we feel an
Encyclopædia would be barely sufficient for its full developement; and
it is our honest conviction that, until professorships of this truly
noble art are instituted at the different universities, the same
barbarisms of style will be displayed even by those of gentle blood, as
now too frequently detract from the Augustan character of the age.
To take as comprehensive a view of this subject as our space will
admit, we have divided it into the quality, the cut, the ornaments, and
the pathology.
THE QUALITY
comprises _the texture, colour, and age of the materials_.
Of the texture there are only two kinds compatible with the reputation
of a gentleman--the very fine and the very coarse; or, to speak
figuratively--the Cachmere and the Witney blanket.
The latter is an emanation from the refinement of the nineteenth
century, for a prejudice in favour of "extra-superfine" formerly
existed, as the coarser textures, now prevalent, were confined
exclusively to common sailors, hackney-coachmen, and bum-bailiffs.
These frivolous distinctions are happily exploded, and the true
gentleman may now show in Saxony, or figure in Flushing--the one being
suggestive of his property, and the other indicative of his taste.
These remarks apply exclusively to woollens, whether for coats or
trousers.
It is incumbent on every gentleman to have a perfect library of
waistcoats, the selection of which must be regulated by the cost of the
material, as it would be derogatory, in the highest degree, to a man
aspiring to the character of a _distingué_, to decorate his bosom with
a garment that would by any possibility come under the denomination of
"these choice patterns, only 7s. 6d." There are certain designs for
this important decorative adjunct, which entirely preclude them from
the wardrobes of the élite--the imaginative bouquets upon red-plush
grounds, patronised by the ingenious constructors of canals and
rail-roads--the broad and brilliant Spanish striped Valencias, which
distinguish the _savans_ or knowing ones of the stable--the cotton
(must we profane the word!) velvet impositions covered with botanical
diagrams done in distemper, and monopolized by lawyers' clerks and
small professionals--the _positive_ or genuine Genoa velvet, with
violent and showy embellishments of roses, dahlias, and peonies, which
find favour in the eyes of aldermen, attorneys, and the proprietors of
four-wheel chaises, are all to be avoided as the fifth daughter of a
clergyman's widow.
It is almost superfluous to add, that breeches can only be made of
white leather or white kerseymere, for any other colour or material
would awaken associations of the dancing-master, the waiter, the
butler, or the bumpkin, or, what is equally to be dreaded, "the highly
respectables" of the last century.
The dressing-gown is a portion of the costume which commands particular
attention; for though no man "can appear as a hero to his valet," he
must keep up the gentleman. This can only be done by the dressing-gown.
To gentlemen who occupy apartments, the _robe de chambre_, if properly
selected, is of infinite advantage; for an Indian shawl or rich
brocaded silk (of which this garment should only be constructed), will
be found to possess extraordinary pacific properties with the landlady,
when the irregularity of your remittances may have ruffled the
equanimity of her temper, whilst you are
[Illustration: INCLINED TO TAKE IT COOLLY;]
whereas a gray Duffield, or a cotton chintz, would be certain to induce
deductions highly prejudicial to the respectability of your character,
or, what is of equal importance, to the duration of your credit.
The colour of your materials should be selected with due regard to the
species of garment and the tone of the complexion. If the face be of
that faint drab which your friends would designate _pallid_, and your
enemies sallow, a coat of pea-green or snuff-brown must be scrupulously
eschewed, whilst black or invisible green would, by contrast, make that
appear delicate and interesting, which, by the use of the former
colours, must necessarily seem bilious and brassy.
The rosy complexionist must as earnestly avoid all sombre tints, as the
inelegance of a healthful appearance should never be obtrusively
displayed by being placed in juxta-position with colours diametrically
opposite, though it is almost unnecessary to state that any one
ignorant enough to appear of an evening in a coat of any other colour
than blue or black (regimentals, of course, excepted), would certainly
be condemned to a quarantine in the servant's hall. There are colours
which, if worn for trousers by the first peer of the realm, would be as
condemnatory of his character as a gentleman, as levanting on the
settling-day for the Derby.
The dark drab, which harmonises with the mud--the peculiar
pepper-and-salt which is warranted not to grow gray with age--the
indescribable mixtures, which have evidently been compounded for the
sake of economy, must ever be exiled from the wardrobe and legs of a
gentleman.
The hunting-coat must be invariably of scarlet, due care being taken
before wearing to dip the tips of the tails in claret or port wine,
which, for new coats, or for those of gentlemen who do _not_ hunt, has
been found to give them an equally veteran appearance with the sweat of
the horse.
_Of the age_ it is only necessary to state, that a truly fashionable
suit should never appear under a week, or be worn longer than a month
from the time that it left the hands of its parent schneider.
Shooting-coats are exceptions to the latter part of this rule, as a
garment devoted to the field should always bear evidence of long
service, and a new jacket should be consigned to your valet, who, if he
understands his profession, will carefully rub the shoulders with a
hearth-stone and bole-ammonia, to convey the appearance of friction and
the deposite of the rust of the gun[1].
[1] Gentlemen who are theoretical, rather than practical sportsmen,
would find it beneficial to have a partridge carefully plucked,
and the feathers sparingly deposited in the pockets of the
shooting-jacket usually applied to the purposes of carrying
game. Newgate Market possesses all the advantages of a
preserved manor.
Of the cut, ornaments, and pathology of dress, we shall speak next
week, for these are equally essential to ensure
[Illustration: AN INTRODUCTION TO FASHIONABLE SOCIETY.]
* * * * *
BEGINNING EARLY.
We are informed by the _Times_ of Saturday, that at the late
Conservative enactment at D.L., not only his Royal Highness Prince
Albert, but the _infant_ Princess Royal, was "drunk, with the usual
honours."--[_Proh pudor!_--PUNCH.]
* * * * *
SIBTHORP'S VERY BEST.
Sibthorp, meeting Peel in the House of Commons, after congratulating
him on his present enviable position, finished the confab with the
following unrivalled conundrum:--"By the bye, which of your vegetables
does your Tamworth speech resemble!"--"Spinach," replied Peel, who, no
doubt, associated it with _gammon_.--"Pshaw," said the gallant Colonel,
"your rope inions (_your opinions_), to be sure!" Peel opened his
mouth, and never closed it till he took his seat at the table.
* * * * *
BEAUTIFUL COINCIDENCE!--A PAIR OF TOOLS.
Sir Francis Burdett, the superannuated Tory _tool_, proposed the
Conservative healths; and _Toole_ the second, as toast-master,
announced them to the assemblage.
* * * * *
THE CURRAH CUT;
OR, HOW WE ALL GOT A FI'PENNY BIT A-PIECE.
"Are the two ponies ready?"
"Yes!"
"And the ass?"
"All right!"
"And you've, all five of you, got your fi'pennies for Tony Dolan, the
barber, at Kells?"
"Every one of us."
"Then be off; there's good boys! Ride and tie like Christians, and
don't be going double on the brute beasts; for a bit of a walk now and
then will just stretch your legs. Be back at five to dinner; and let us
see what bucks you'll look with your new-trimmed curls. Stay, there's
another fi'penny; spend that among you, and take care of yourselves, my
little jewels!"
Such were the parting queries and instructions of my kind old uncle to
five as roaring, mischievous urchins as ever stole whisky to soak the
shamrock on St. Patrick's day. The chief director, schemer, and
perpetrator of all our fun and devilry, was, strange to say, "my cousin
Bob:" the smallest, and, with one exception, the youngest of the party.
But Bob was his grandmother's "ashey pet"--his mother's "jewel"--his
father's "mannikin"--his nurse's "honey"--and the whole world's
"darlin' little devil of a rogue!" The expression of a face naturally
arch, beaming with good humour, and radiant with happy laughter, was
singularly heightened by a strange peculiarity of vision, which I am at
a loss to describe. It was, if the reader can idealise the thing, an
absolute "beauty," which, unfortunately, can only be written about by
the appliances of some term conveying the notion of a blemish. The
glances from his bright eyes seemed to steal out from under their long
fringe, the most reckless truants of exulting mirth. No matter what he
said, he looked a joke. Now for his orders:--
"Aisy with you, lads. Cousin Harry, take first ride on St. Patrick (the
name of the ass)--here's a leg up. The two Dicks can have Scrub and
Rasper. Jack and Billy, boys, catch a hold of the bridles, or devil a
ha'p'worth of ride and tie there'll be in at all, if them Dicks get the
start--Shanks' mare will take you to Kells. Don't be galloping off in
that manner, but shoot aisy! Remember, the ass has got to keep up with
you, and I've got to keep up with the ass. That's the thing--steady she
goes! It's an elegant day, and no hurry in life. Spider! come here,
boy--that's right. Down, sir! down, you devil, or wipe your paws. Bad
manners to you--look at them breeches! Never mind, there's a power of
rats at Tony Carroll's barn--it's mighty little out o' the way, and may
be we'll get a hunt. What say you?"
"A hunt, a hunt, by all manes! there's the fun of it! Come on,
lads--here's the place!--turn off, and go to work! Wait, wait! get a
stick a-piece, and break the necks of 'em! Hurrah!--in Spider!--find
'em boy! Good lad! Tare an ouns, you may well squeak! Good dog! good
dog! that's a grandfather!--we'll have more yet; the family always come
to the ould one's berrin'. I've seen 'em often, and mighty dacent they
behave. Damn Kells and the barber, up with the boords and go to
work!--this is something like sport! Houly Paul, there's one up my
breeches--here's the tail of him--he caught a hould of my
leather-garter. Come out of that, Spider! Spider, here he is--that's
it--give him another shake for his impudence--serve him out! Hurrah!"
"Fast and furious" grew our incessant urging on of the willing Spider,
for his continued efforts at extermination. At the end of two hours,
the metamorphosed barn was nearly stripped of its flooring--nine huge
rats lay dead, as trophies of our own achievements--the panting Spider,
"by turns caressing, and by turns caressed," licking alternately the
hands and faces of all, as we sat on the low ledge of the doorway,
wagging his close-cut stump of tail, as if he were resolved, by his
unceasing exertions, to get entirely rid of that excited dorsal
ornament.
"This is the rael thing," said Bob.
"So it is," said Dick; "but"--
"But what?"
"Why, devil a ha'p'orth of Kells or hair-cutting there's in it."
"Not a taste," chimed in Jack.
"Nothing like it," echoed Will.
"What will we do?" said all at once. There was a short pause--after
which the matter was resumed by Dick, who was intended for a parson,
and therefore rather given to moralising.
"Life," quoth Dick--"life's uncertain."
"You may say that," rejoined Bob; "look at them rats."
"Tony Dowlan's a hard-drinking man, and his mother had fits."
"Of the same sort," said Bob.
"Well, then," continued Dick, "there's no knowing--he may be dead--if
so, how could he cut our hair?"
Here Dick, like Brutus, paused for a reply. Bob produced one.
"It's a good scheme, but it won't do; the likes of him never does
anything he's wanted to. He's the contrariest ould thief in Ireland! I
wish mama hadn't got a party; we'd do well enough but for that. Never
mind, boys, I've got it. There's Mikey Brian, he's the boy!
"What for?"
"To cut the hair of the whole of us."
"_He_ can't do it."
"Can't! wait, a-cushla, till I tell you, or, what's better, show you.
Come now, you devils. Look at the heels (Rasper's and Scrub's) of them
ponies! Did ever you see anything like them!--look at the cutting
there--Tony Dowlan never had the knack o' that tasty work in his dirty
finger and thumb--and who done that? Why Mikey Brian--didn't I see him
myself; and isn't he the boy that can 'bang Bannaker' at anything! Oh!
he'll cut us elegant!--he'll do the squad for a fi'penny--and then,
lads, there's them five others will be just one a-piece to buy gut and
flies! Come on, you Hessians!"
No sooner proposed than acceded to--off we set, for the eulogised
"Bannaker banging Mikey Brian."
A stout, handsome boy he was--rising four-and-twenty--a fighting,
kissing, rollicking, ball-playing, dancing vagabone, as you'd see in a
day's march--such a fellow as you only meet in Ireland--a bit of a
gardener, a bit of a groom, a bit of a futboy, and a bit of a
horse-docthor.
We reached the stables by the back way, and there, in his own peculiar
loft, was Mikey Brian, brushing a somewhat faded livery, in which to
wait upon the coming quality.
Bob stated the case, as far as the want of our locks' curtailment went,
but made no mention of the delay which occasioned our coming to Mikey;
on the contrary, he attributed the preference solely to our conviction
of his superior abilities, and the wish to give him a chance, as he
felt convinced, if he had fair play, he'd be engaged miles round,
instead of the hopping old shaver at Kells.
"I'm your man, Masther Robert."
"Who's first?"
"I am--there's the fi'penny--that's for the lot!"
"Good luck to you, sit down--will you have the Currah thoro'bred-cut?"
"That's the thing," said Bob.
"Then, young gentlement, as there ain't much room--and if you do be all
looking on, I'll be bothered--just come in one by one."
Out we went, and, in an inconceivably short space, Bob emerged.
Mikey advising: "Master Robert, dear, keep your hat on for the life of
you, for fear of cowld." A few minutes finished us all.
"This is elegant," said Bob. "Mikey, it will be the making of you; but
don't say a word till you hear how they'll praise you at dinner."
"Mum!" said Mikey, and off we rushed.
I felt rather astonished at the ease with which my hat sat; while those
of the rest appeared ready to fall over their noses. Being in a hurry,
this was passed over. The second dinner-bell rang--we bolted up for a
brief ablution--our hats were thrown into a corner, and, as if by one
consent, all eyes were fixed upon each other's heads!
Bob gave tongue: "The Devil's skewer to Mikey Brian! and bad luck to
the Currah thoro'bred cut! Not the eighth part of an inch of 'air there
is amongst the set of us. What will the master say? Never mind; we've
got the fi'pennies! Come to dinner!--by the Puck we are beauties!"
We reached the dining-room unperceived; but who can describe the agony
of my aunt Kate, when she clapped her eyes upon five such close-clipped
scarecrows. She vowed vengence of all sorts and descriptions against
the impudent, unnatural, shameful monster! Terms which Mikey Brian, in
the back-ground, appropriated to himself, and with the utmost
difficulty restrained his rising wrath from breaking out.
"What," continued aunt Kate, "what does he call this?"
"It's the thoro'bred Currah-cut, ma'am," said Bob, with one of his
peculiar glances at Mikey and the rest.
"And mighty cool wearing, I'll be bail," muttered Mikey.
"Does he call that hair-cutting?" screamed my aunt.
"That, and nothing but it," quietly retorted Bob, passing his hand over
his head; "you can't deny the cutting, ma'am."
"The young gentlemen look elegant," said Mikey.
"I'm told it's all the go, ma'am," said Bob.
"Wait!" said my aunt, with suppressed rage; "wait till I go to Kells."
This did not happen for six weeks; our aunt's anger was mollified as
our locks were once more human. Upon upbraiding "Tony Knowlan" the
murder came out. A hearty laugh ensured our pardon, and Mikey Brian's;
and the story of the "thoro'bred Currah-cut" was often told, as the
means by which "we all got a fi'penny bit a-piece."--FUSBOS.
* * * * *
There is a portrait of a person so like him, that, the other day, a
friend who called took no notice whatever of the man, further than
saying he was a good likeness, but asked the portrait to dinner, and
only found out his mistake when he went up to shake hands with it at
parting.
* * * * *
An American hearing that there was a fire in his neighbourhood, and
that it might possibly consume his house, took the precaution to _bolt_
his own door; that he might be, so far at least, beforehand with the
_devouring_ element.
* * * * *
BAD EITHER WAY.
The peace, happiness, and prosperity of England, are threatened by
_Peel_; in Ireland, the picture is reversed: the safety of that country
is endangered by _Re-peal_. It would be hard to say which is worst.
* * * * *
A CONSTANT PAIR.
Jane is a constant wench (so Sibthorp says);
For in how _many_ shops you see _Jean stays_!
* * * * *
A COUNT AND HIS SCHNEIDER.
The Count's fashioner sent in, the other day, his bill, which was a
pretty considerable time overdue, accompanied by the following polite
note:--
"Sir,--Your bill having been for a very long time standing, I beg that
it may be settled forthwith.
"Yours,
"B----."
To which Snip received the following reply:--
"Sir,--I am very sorry that your bill should have been kept standing so
long. Pray request it to _sit_ down.
"Yours,
"**"
* * * * *
NARRATIVE OF AN AWFUL CASE OF EXTREME DISTRESS.
It was in the year 1808, that myself and seven others resolved upon
taking chambers in Staples' Inn. Our avowed object was to study, but we
had in reality assembled together for the purposes of convivial
enjoyment, and what were then designated "sprees." Our stock consisted
of four hundred and twelve pounds, which we had drawn from our parents
and guardians under the various pretences of paying fees and procuring
books for the advancement of our knowledge in the sublime mysteries of
that black art called Law. In addition to our pecuniary resources, we
had also a fair assortment of wearing-apparel, and it was well for us
that parental anxiety had provided most of us with a change of garments
suitable to the various seasons. For a long time everything went on
riotously and prosperously. We visited the Theatres, the Coal-hole, the
Cider-cellars, and the Saloon, and became such ardent admirers of the
"Waterford system of passing a night and morning," that scarcely a day
came without a draft upon the treasury for that legal imposition upon
the liberty of the subject--the five-shilling fine; besides the
discharge of promissory notes as compensation for trifling damages done
to the heads and property of various individuals.
About a month after the formation of our association we were all
suffering severely from thirsty head-aches, produced, I am convinced,
by the rapid consumption of thirteen bowls of whiskey-punch on the
preceding night. The rain was falling in perpendicular torrents, and
the whole aspect of out-of-door nature was gloomy and sloppy, when we
were alarmed by the exclamation of Joseph Jones (a relation of the
Welsh Joneses), who officiated as our treasurer, and upon inquiring the
cause, were horror-stricken to find that we had arrived at our last
ten-pound note, and that the landlord had sent an imperative message,
requiring the immediate settlement of our back-rent. It is impossible
to paint the consternation depicted on every countenance, already
sufficiently disordered by previous suffering and biliary
disarrangement.
I was the first to speak; for being the son of a shabby-genteel father,
I had witnessed in my infancy many of those schemes to raise the
needful, to which ambitious men with limited incomes are so frequently
driven. I therefore bid them be of good heart, for that any pawnbroker
in the neighbourhood would readily advance money upon the superfluous
wardrobe which we possessed. This remark was received with loud cheers,
which, I have no doubt, would have been much more vehement but from the
fatal effects of the whiskey-punch.
The landlord's claim was instantly discharged, and after several pots
of strong green tea, rendered innocuous by brandy, we sallied forth in
pursuit of what we then ignorantly conceived to be pleasure.
I will not pause to particularise the gradual diminution of our
property, but come at once to that period when, having consumed all our
superfluities, it become a serious subject of consideration, what
should next be sacrificed.
I will now proceed to make extracts from our general diary, merely
premising that our only attendant was an asthmatic individual named
Peter.
_Dec. 2, 1808._--Peter reported stock--eight coats, eight waistcoats,
eight pairs of trousers, two ounces of coffee, half a quartern loaf,
and a ha'p'orth of milk. The eight waistcoats required for dinner.
Peter ordered to pop accordingly--proceeds 7s. 6d. Invested in a small
leg of mutton and half-and-half.
_Dec. 3._--Peter reported stock--coats _idem_, trousers _idem_--a
mutton bone--rent due--a coat and a pair of trousers ordered for
immediate necessities--lots drawn--Jones the victim. Moved the court to
grant him his trousers, as his coat was lined with silk, which would
furnish the trimmings--rejected. Peter popped the suit, and Jones went
to bed. All signed an undertaking to redeem Jones with the first
remittance from the country. Proceeds 40s. Paid rent, and dined on
à-la-mode beef and potatoes--beer limited to one quart. Peter hinted at
wages, and was remonstrated with on the folly and cruelty of his
conduct.
_Dec. 4._--Peter reported stock--seven coats, seven pairs of trousers,
and a gentleman in bed. Washerwoman called--gave notice of detaining
linen unless settled with--two coats and one pair of trousers ordered
for consumption. Lots drawn--Smith the victim for coat and
trousers--Brown for the continuations only. Smith retired to bed--Brown
obtained permission to sit in a blanket. Proceeds of the above,
38s.--both pairs of trousers having been reseated. Jones very violent,
declaring it an imposition, and that every gentleman who had been
repaired, should enter himself so on the books. The linen redeemed,
leaving--nothing for dinner.
_Dec. 5._--Peter reported stock--four coats, and five pairs of
trousers. Account not agreeing, Peter was called in--found that
Williams had bolted--Jones offered to call him out, if we would dress
him for the day--Smith undertook to negotiate preliminaries on the same
conditions--Williams voted not worth powder and shot in the present
state of our finances. A coat and two pair of continuations ordered for
supplies--lots drawn--Black and Edwards the victims. Black retired to
bed, and Edwards to a blanket--proceeds, 20s. Jones, Smith, and Black,
petitioned for an increased supply of coals--agreed to. Dinner, a large
leg of mutton and baked potatoes. Peter lodged a detainer against the
change, as he wanted his hair cut and a box of vegetable pills--so he
said.
_Dec. 6._--Peter reported stock--three coats, three pairs of trousers,
quarter of a pound of mutton, and one potato. Landlord sent a note
remonstrating against using the beds all day, and applying the blankets
to the purposes of dressing-gowns. Proposed, in consequence of this
impertinent communication, that the payment of the next week's rent be
disputed--carried _nem. con_. A coat and a pair of trousers ordered for
the day's necessities--Peter popped as usual--proceeds, 10s. 6d.--coals
bought--ditto a quire of paper, and the _et cets_. for home
correspondence. Blue devils very prevalent.
_Dec. 7._--Peter reported stock--two coats, two pairs of trousers, and
five gentlemen in bed. Smith hinted at the "beauties of _Burke_"--Peter
brought a note for Jones--everybody in ecstacy--Jones's jolly old uncle
from Glamorganshire had arrived in town. Huzza! safe for a 20l. Busker
(_that's myself_) volunteered his suit--Jones dressed and off in a
brace of shakes--caught Peter laughing--found it was a hoax of Jones's
to give us the slip--would have stripped Peter, only his clothes were
worth nothing--calculated the produce of the remaining suit at--
Buttons . . . . . a breakfast.
Two sleeves . . . . one pint of porter.
Body . . . . . . . four plates of à-la-mode.
Trousers (at per leg) . half a quartern loaf.
Caught an idea.--wrote an anonymous letter to the landlord, and told
him that an association had been formed to burke Colonel Sibthorp--his
lodgers the conspirators--that the scheme was called the "Lie-a-bed
plot"--poverty with his lodgers all fudge--men of immense wealth--get
rid of them for his own sake--old boy very nervous, having been in quod
for smuggling--gave us warning--couldn't go if we would. Landlord
redeemed our clothes. Ha! ha!--did him brown.
The above is a statement of what I suffered during my minority. I have
now the honour to be a magistrate and a member of Parliament.
* * * * *
THE RICH OLD BUFFER.
A MAIDEN LYRIC.
Urge it no more! I must not wed
One who is poor, so hold your prattle;
My lips on love have ne'er been fed,
With poverty I cannot battle.
My choice is made--I know I'm right--
Who wed for love starvation suffer;
So I will study day and night
To please and win a rich OLD BUFFER.
Romance is very fine, I own;
Reality is vastly better;
I'm twenty--past--romance is flown--
To Cupid I'm no longer debtor.
Wealth, power, and rank--I ask no more--
Let the world frown, with these I'll rough her--
Give me an equipage and four,
Blood bays, a page, and--rich OLD BUFFER.
An opera-box shall be my court,
Myself the sovereign of the women;
There moustached loungers shall resort,
Whilst Elssler o'er the stage is skimming.
If any rival dare dispute
The palm of _ton_, my set shall huff her;
I'll reign supreme, make envy mute,
When once I wed a rich OLD BUFFFER!
"The heart"--"the feelings"--pshaw! for nought
_They_ go, I grant, though quite enchanting
In valentines by school-girls wrought:
Nonsense! by me they are not wanting.
A note! and, as I live, a ring!
"Pity the sad suspense I suffer!"
All's right. I knew to book I'd bring
Old Brown. I've caught--
A RICH OLD BUFFER.
* * * * *
PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS.
A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed Victuallers' fête
at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday evening, bursts into the following
magnificent flight:--"Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan, to
deify the brute" (the writer will never increase the mythology); "but
here," (that is, in the royal property,) "while intellect and skill"
(together with Roman candles) "exhibit their various manifestations,
Charity" (arrack punch and blue fire) "throw their benign halo over the
festive scene" (in the circle and Widdicomb), "and not only sanctify
the enjoyment" (of ham and Green's ascent), "but improve" (the
appetite) "and elevate" (the victuallers) "the feelings" (and the
sky-rockets) "of all who participate in it" (and the sticks coming
down). "This is, truly an occasion when every licensed victualler
should be at his post" (with a stretcher in waiting).
* * * * *
IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.
As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy one--for
PUNCH--we have engaged some highly talented gentlemen expressly to
report the fun in the House. The public will therefore have the benefit
of all the senatorial brilliancy, combined with our own peculiar powers
of description. Sibthorp--(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace
the magic word)--shall, for one session at least, have justice done to
his Sheridanic mind. Muntz shall be cut with a friendly hand, and Peter
Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic glories are returned,
when his name, and that of "Avon's swan," figured daily in the
"_Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette_." Let any member prove himself worthy of
being associated with the brilliant names which ornament our pages, and
be certain we will insure his immortality. We will now proceed to our
report of
THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
This morn at crow-cock,
Great Doctor Locock
Decided that her Majesty had better
Remain at home, for (as _I_ read the letter)
He thought the opening speech
Would be "more honoured in the breach
Than the observance." So here I am,
To read a royal speech without a flam.
Her Majesty continues to receive
From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe
That, for the universe, they would not tease her,
But do whate'er they could on earth to please her.
A striking fact,
That proves each act
Of _us_, the Cabinet, has been judicious,
Though of our conduct _some_ folks _are_ suspicious.
Her Majesty has also satisfaction
To state the July treaty did succeed
(Aided, no doubt, by Napier's gallant action),
And that in peace the Sultan smokes his weed.
That France, because she was left out,
Did for a little while--now bounce--now pout,
Is in the best of humours, and will still
Lend us her Jullien, monarch of quadrille!
And as her Majesty's a peaceful woman,
She hopes we shall get into rows with no man.
Her Majesty is also glad to say,
That as the Persian troops have march'd away,
Her Minister has orders to resume
His powers at Teheran, where he's ta'en a room.
Her Majesty regrets that the Chinese
Are running up the prices of our teas:
But should the Emperor continue crusty,
Elliot's to find out if his jacket's dusty.
Her Majesty has also had the pleasure
(By using a conciliatory measure)
To settle Spain and Portugal's division
About the Douro treaty's true provision.
Her Majesty (she grieves to say) 's contrived to get,
Like all her predecessors, into debt--
In Upper Canada, which, we suppose,
By this time is a fact the Council knows,
And what they think, or say, or write about it,
You'll he advised of, and the Queen don't doubt it,
But you'll contrive to make the thing all square,
So leaves the matter to your loyal care.
GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,
Her Majesty, I'm proud to say, relies
On you with confidence for the supplies;
And, as there's much to pay, she begs to hint
She hopes sincerely you'll not spare the Mint.
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
The public till,
I much regret to say, is looking ill;
For Canada and China, and the Whigs--no, no--
Some other prigs--have left the cash so-so:
But as our soldiers and our tars, brave lads,
Won't shell out shells till we shell out the brads,
Her Majesty desires you'll be so kind
As to devise some means to raise the wind,
Either by taxing more or taxing less,
Relieving or increasing our distress;
Or by increasing twopennies to quarterns,
Or keeping up the price which "Commons shortens;"
By making weavers' wages high or low,
Or other means, but what we do not know.
But the one thing our royal mistress axes,
Is, that you'll make the people pay their taxes.
The last request, I fear, will cause surprise--
Her Majesty requests _you to be wise_.
If you comply at once, the world will own
It is the greatest miracle e'er known.
* * * * *
THE DINNEROLOGY OF ENGLAND.
Man is the only animal that cooks his dinner before he eats it. All
other species of the same genus are content to take the provisions of
nature as they find them; but man's reason has designed pots and
roasting-jacks, stewpans and bakers' ovens; thus opening a wide field
for the exercise of that culinary ingenuity which has rendered the
names of Glasse and Kitchiner immortal. Of such importance is the
gastronomic art to the well-being of England, that we question much if
the "wooden walls," which have been the theme of many a song, afford
her the same protection as her dinners. The ancients sought, by the
distribution of crowns and flowers, to stimulate the enterprising and
reward the successful; but England, despising such empty honours and
distinctions, tempts the diffident with a haunch of venison, and
rewards the daring with real turtle.
If charity seeks the aid of the benevolent, she no longer trusts to the
magic of oratory to "melt the tender soul to pity," and untie the
purse-strings; but, grown wise by experience, she sends in her card in
the shape of "a guinea ticket, bottle of wine included;" and thus
appeals, if not to the heart, at least to its next-door neighbour--the
stomach.