Religious Experience--Conviction--Conversion.
Just about the close of my apprenticeship, and as I began to feel myself
a man, I commenced to visit the girls, which induced me to go still
more frequently to church.
At that time, there were four churches in Fredericksburg. The colored
people had apartments for worship with the white people, at each of
these churches. They were Methodist, Presbyterian, Episcopalian and
Baptist.
I had no particular preference for any one of these denominations, more
than another; but, went wherever my favorites went. One night a young
lady invited me to go to the Methodist church, where a prayer-meeting
was to be held. During the meeting, a venerable old gentleman rose to
his feet, and related an account of the sudden death of a young lady,
which he had read in a newspapers. When he related that solemn
circumstance, it so affected me, that I felt as if I was about to die,
in a sudden manner also.
Having always, from parental training, purposed in my mind to become
religious before I died, I thought that now was the time to begin to
pray. But I could not try to pray in the church, for I was afraid that
the girls would laugh at me. Yet I became so troubled, that I left the
house, girls and all, intending to seek some place where I might pray.
But to my horror and surprise, when I got out of the church, this
reflection occurred to me, "God is in heaven, and you are on earth:--how
can He hear you?" O, what distress of mind I now felt! I began to wonder
how God could hear my prayer; for, sure enough, He was in heaven, and I
on the earth. In my perplexity, I started for home.
Just before I reached the shop, where I slept, this thought struck me,
if possible with more force than the former reflection: "God does see
you!" It really appeared to me as if I could see that God was indeed
looking at me; and not only so, but I felt that He had been looking at
me all my life. I now said to myself, "It is of no use for me to
pray.--If God has seen all my wickedness, as I feel that He has, then
there is no mercy for me."
So I ran to my lodging-place, and tried to hide myself in a dark room.
But this was useless; for it appeared that God could see me in the dark,
as well as in the light.
I now felt constrained to beg for mercy, and spent the time in trying to
obtain pardon for my sins. But the morning came, and the hour drew near
for the hands to go to work, and I was still unhappy.
I felt so very different to what I had always felt, that I tried to
examine my impressions of the previous night, to learn if it was true
that God did see me or not; for I thought my imagination might have
deceived me.
Up to this time, I was not fully convinced that God knew all about me.
So I began to study about the matter. As I sat on the shoe-bench, I
picked up a bunch of bristles, and selecting one of the smallest, I
began to wonder, if God could see an object so small as that. No sooner
had this inquiry arose in my heart, than it appeared to me, that the
Lord could not only see the bristle, but that He beheld me, as plainly
as I saw the little object in my hand; and not only so, but that God was
then looking through me, just as I would hold up a tumbler of clear
water to the sun and look through it. This was enough. I felt that I
must pray, or perish; and now I began to pray.
But it really seemed, that the more I prayed the less hope there was for
me. Still I could not stop praying; for I felt that God was angry with
me. I had sinned against his holy laws; and now, if He should cut me
off, and send me to hell, it was but right. These thoughts followed me
day and night, for five weeks, before I felt relief. At length, one day,
while sitting on my shoe bench, I felt that my time had come when I must
die. What troubled me most, was that I should have to appear before God,
in all my sins;--O, what horror filled my soul at the thought!
I began to wonder what I must do. I knew I was not prepared for death
and the Judgment. It is true that two of my shopmates, at that time,
were members of the church; but they did not seem to care for my soul.
All the rest of the hands were as wicked as myself. "What shall I do?"
was in my mind, all the time I sat at work.
The reflection occurred to me, "Your mother is a christian; it may be
she can save you." But this suggestion appeared to be offensive to God.
Then came another thought,--"As my master was a rich man, could he not
do something to help me?" But I found no relief in either ... and while
I sat thus, hoping and praying, light broke into my mind--all my trouble
left me in an instant.
I felt such a love and peace flowing in my soul, that I could not sit
longer; I sprang to my feet, and cried out, "Glory to God!" It seemed to
me, that God, whom I had beheld, a few seconds previously, angry with
me, was now well-pleased. I could not tell why this great change had
taken place in me; and my shopmates were surprised at my conduct,
saying, that I must be getting crazy. But, just at this moment, the
thought came into my mind, that I was converted; still, as I felt so
very different from what I had expected to feel, I could not see how
that could be. I concluded to run and see my mother, and ask her how
people felt, when they got converted. So I went, right away, to my
mother's house, some five or six squares from the shop.
When I reached the door of her house, it appeared to me that everything
was new and bright. I went in, and sat down. Mother asked me how I was.
I told her, I felt _right smart_. This was a new sound from me; for my
answers to this question had long been--"_poorly_." But now came the
trial; to ask mother how people felt, when they were converted. I felt
ashamed to ask the question; so I went into another room; and seeing a
hymn book lying on the table, I took it up. The first hymn that struck
my sight began with these words:
"When converts first begin to sing,
Their happy souls are on the wing--
Their theme is all redeeming love;
Fain would they be with Christ above.
With admiration they behold
The love of Christ, which can't be told," &c.
These lines expressed my feelings precisely, and being encouraged from
them, I went to my mother, and asked her the question--"How do people
feel, when they get converted?" She replied, "Do you think you are
converted?" Now, this was a severe trial; for, although I felt that I
was really changed, yet I wanted to hear from her, before I could decide
whether I was actually converted, or not. I replied, "No." Then she
said, "My son, the devil makes people think themselves converted,
sometimes." I arose, and left immediately, believing that the devil had
made a fool of me. I returned to my shop, more determined to pray than
ever before.
I arrived, and took my seat, and tried to get under that same weight,
that I had felt pressing me down, but a short while before. But it
seemed to me that I could not; and, instead of feeling sad, I felt
joyful in my heart; and while trying to pray, I thought the Saviour
appeared to me. I thought I saw God smiling upon me, through Christ, His
Son. My soul was filled with love to God and Jesus Christ. It appeared
to me, I saw a fullness in Jesus Christ, to save every sinner who would
come to Him. And I felt, that if I was only converted, I would tell all
sinners how precious the Saviour was. But I could not think myself
converted yet, because I could not see what I had done, for God to
pardon my sins. Still I felt a love to Him for what He had done for my
soul.
Then I began to think upon my shopmates--and, O what pity ran through my
soul for them. I wished to pray for them; but I felt so unworthy, that I
could not do it. At last I promised the Lord that if He would convert my
soul, I would talk to them.
... It was several months after that, before I was made to realize this to
be the work of God; and when it was made plain, O what joy it did bring
to my poor soul!
I shortly became a member of the Baptist church, and was baptized, in
company with some twenty others, by Rev. Geo. F. Adams, who was then
pastor of the Baptist church in Fredericksburg--September 19, 1831. This
church then contained about three hundred colored members.