_Monday_.--Read Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's remarks on abstinence from bodily
exercise. Sold my bicycle, and gave away all my rackets, bats, &c.
Resolved to follow the latest system. Shall doubtless, by these means,
reach Mr. C.'s high position as a statesman and orator. Went out
in a Bath-chair. Five minutes after starting, man said he was not
accustomed to drag so heavy an invalid, and must rest a little. Tried
a speech--my maiden one--on the Disadvantages of Bodily Exercise. He
listened respectfully, and, when at last I had finished, said he quite
agreed with me, and that the fare was seven shillings.
_Tuesday_.--Have decided that exercise in a Bath-chair is quite
superfluous. Resolved to take exercise, for the future, in a hammock,
just outside the garden-door. Must practise speech-making to the
gardener. Good idea--Orchids. Asked him what he thought about the new
Orchid. Miserable fool answered, "Awkud, zur? Dunno waht thaht be."
I said that was "awkud," and had to laugh at the highly original
side-splitter myself, as he never saw it.
_Wednesday_.--Must really give up this long walk to the garden-door.
Shall never become a great statesman unless I do. Resolved to take
exercise in arm-chair in library. The children's governess came in
to fetch a book. Addressed her at some length on Free Education.
Afterwards, thought this subject was somewhat ill-chosen, as her
salary is so small.
_Thursday_.--Really cannot stand this walking up and down stairs.
Shall remain for the future in my bed-room and take exercise on sofa
by fireside, as I feel chilly. Page came in with coals. Reminded me of
Policy of Scuttle. Spoke of this at some length, and woke him up with
difficulty when I had finished. Felt rather unwell.
_Friday_.--Dressing and undressing is certainly needless fatigue,
and evidently causes this headache and general seediness. Shall take
exercise in bed. Felt worse. Female relatives anxious, and insist on
medical attendance. Assured them I was following the best system, and
answered their persistent demands by a short address on Home Rule.
_Saturday_.--Felt so bad at five this morning, that Doctor was
fetched. Tried feebly to address him on the Eight Hours' Question,
when he said he never had any time to think how long he worked.
Explained my new system to him. He said I should myself want a new
system to stand such a course of treatment. Then he pulled me out of
bed, and insisted on my walking ten miles as soon as I was dressed.
Felt much better. Shall abandon politics and become a farmer, having
just heard of an infallible system for growing wheat profitably.
* * * * *
THE "RESTORATION" PERIOD.--Will the Chairmen of the L.C. & D. and the
S.E. Lines unite their forces? After the meeting on this subject last
week, Sir EDWARD will have lots of reason to listen to. But apart from
every consideration of _mal de mer_, and "From Calais to Dover," as
the poet sings "'Tis soonest over," there is not anywhere a better,
and we, who have suffered as greatly as the much-enduring Ulysses,
venture to assert not anywhere as good a luncheon as at the
"Restauration" (well it deserves the title!) of the Calais Station.
Every patriotic travelling Englishman must be delighted to think that
some few centuries ago we gave up Calais. Had it been nowadays in
English hands, why it might even now be possessed of a "Refreshment
Room" no better than--any on our side of the Channel, for there is no
necessity to particularise. From Dover to Calais is the shortest and
best restorative'd route for the traveller, whether ill or well, at
sea.
* * * * *
MOTTOES for the new Lord MAYOR. "_Nil obstet_," "_Nil fortius_," and,
from HORACE, "_Nil amplius oro_." This, in answer to thousands of
correspondents, is our last word on the subject; so after this (except
on the 9th of November), we say--_nil_.
* * * * *