_Q._ You have heard of the Ride from Berlin to Vienna, and _vice
versâ_?
_A._ Yes; and of the mishaps that befell many of the competitors.
_Q._ You mean their horses?
_A._ What applies to the one applies to the other.
_Q._ Some of the poor steeds died on the journey?
_A._ I daresay--of course, it was hard work.
_Q._ And you have read that, even when the poor horses were fainting
and refusing food, the riders still went on?
_A._ Of course. The riders had magnificent pluck and nerve.
_Q._ What, to observe the anguish of their chargers without emotion?
_A._ No! The idea! I mean they had pluck and nerve in spite of all
discouragement to push on to the winning-post.
_Q._ And what do you think this breaking down of the horses proved?
_A._ That, after all, the creatures were brutes--only brutes!
_Q._ Does not the suffering of these brutes suggest--
_A._ That the riders were brutes too?--Ah!
[_No further question put, the Answerer having mastered the
subject._
* * * * *
IN EXCELSIS.--No better example of the methods employed by
Vivisectionists could be given than was presented at the Church
Congress last week, where in debate on this subject they were all
engaged in cutting up one another. The Bishop of EDINBURGH, denouncing
the morality of the Bishop of MANCHESTER and of Bishop BARRY, was a
rare sight. His Lordship said that the morality of these two Bishops
was "up in a balloon." Well, surely this is morality of the most
elevated description. These Bishops are not "_in partibus_," but _in
nubibus_.
* * * * *
IN WATER COLOURS.--The East London Waterworks Company had a very
successful meeting the other day. _Inter alia_ the Chairman said,
that "the Waltham Well is a complete success." _Ergo_ let Well alone.
That from this source they still supplied "36 gallons per head." The
heads must be uncommonly hard to stand all this water on the brain. A
dividend of eight per cent. is, after all, a very pleasant draught.
* * * * *
"GREEN THE GUIDE."
(_A SKETCH ON A "ROYAL BLUE" CAR AT JERSEY._)
_On the Car is, among others, an Elderly Gentleman, in a
tall hat, with a quantity of wraps; a Stout Shopkeeper, with
a stouter Wife; a Serious Commercial Traveller, and a couple
of young "Shop-ladies"; a Morose Young Man, who has "got
out of bed the wrong side" that morning, and another, who
has begun his potations rather early, and is in the muzzily
talkative mood. The Car is one of a long string of similar
vehicles, and is proceeding at a rapid rate along one of the
winding roads._
_The Muzzy Man_. Frivolous, am I? Well, we _came_ 'ere to be
frivolous--to a certain extent. Am I out of the way in anything I've
said? Because I woke this morning with a dry month, and I don't mind
saying I've had a little drop o' brandy since.
_His Neighbour_. You might let people find out that for themselves,
_I_ should think!
_The Muzzy M._ No--I like to be honest and straightforward, I do. I
don't want to be out of the _way_, you understand.
_The Shopkeeper's Wife_ (_to her Neighbour_). This is a pretty part
of the road we're on now--but, lor! there's nothing 'ere to come up to
the Isle of Man. Douglas, now--that _is_ a nice place, with all them
Music Halls! And the scenery--why, I'm sure I felt sometimes as if I
_must_ stop, just to _look_ at it!
_The Muzzy Man_. I consider scenery we're coming to most beautiful
I've seen for--for miles around. [_He goes to sleep._
[Illustration: "An elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a quantity
of wraps."]
_The Shopkeeper_ (_to the Elderly G., who is shifting and turning
about uneasily_). Lost anything, Sir?
_The E.G._ No--thank you, no. I was looking to see whether GREEN the
Guide was on the car. (_Shouts of laughter are heard from the car
behind._) Ah, _that's_ GREEN the Guide! I wish he'd come on our
oar--very amusing fellow, Sir--capital company!
_The Morose M._ (_to the Young Lady 'on his Left_) Who's GREEN the
Guide?
_The Y.L._ Oh, don't you know? He comes with the cars and makes jokes
and all that. I hope he'll come to us.
_The Mor. M._ _I_ don't. I can do that sort of thing for myself if I
want to, I hope. [_With a scowl._
_The Y.L._ Well, there's no harm in _hoping_!
_The Serious Comm. T._ (_to his neighbour--one of the Shop-ladies_).
So you come from Birmingham? Dear me, now. I used to be there very
often on business at one time. Do you know the Rev. Mr. PODGER there?
A good old gentleman, he is. I used to attend his Chapel regular--most
improving discourses he used to give us. I am fond of a good Sermon,
aren't you? &c.
[_He imagines--not altogether correctly--that he is producing
an agreeable impression._
_A Young Man in a Frock-coat, Canvas-shoes, and Cloth-cap._
Scarborough? Yes, I've _been_ there--but I don't care about it much.
You have to _dress_ such a lot there, y' know, and I like to come out
just as I am!
[_The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is
beginning to flag--when the car is boarded by a stalwart
good-looking man, carrying a banjo, and wearing a leather
shoulder-belt with "GREEN the Guide" in brass letters upon
it; the Elderly Gentleman, and most of the Ladies welcome
him with effusion, while the Younger Men appear to resent
his appearance._
_The Mor. M._ (_sotto voce_). If he's going to play that old
instrument of torture, I shall _howl_, that's all!
_Green the Guide_ (_in a deep baritone voice_). Well, Ladies
and Gentlemen, I congratulate you upon having a fine day for our
excursion. My glass went up three feet this morning.
_The Morose Man_ (_aggressively_). Was there whiskey inside it?
_Green the Guide_. No, Sir, it would have gone down suddenly if there
had been. (_The_ Elderly G. _asks for a song_.) I shall be delighted
to entertain you to the best of my ability. What would you like to
have?
_The Mor. M._ None of your songs--give us an imitation--of a deaf and
dumb man.
_Green the G._ (_with perfect good-humour_). I shall be happy to do
the deaf man, Sir,--if you'll help me by doing the dumb. (_The_ Mor.
M. _begins to feel that he had better leave_ GREEN the Guide _alone._)
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll sing you a good old-fashioned
hunting-song, and I'll ask you to join me in the Chorus.
[_He sings "We'll all go out hunting to-day!"_
_The Mor. M._ (_after the First Verse_). The beggar don't sing so
badly. I will say _that_ for him! (_After the Third._) Capital voice
he has! Rattling good Chorus, too! "Join the glad throng that goes
laughing along, and we'll all go a-hunting to-day!" (_At the end._)
Bravo! encore! encore!
[_His good-humour is suddenly and miraculously restored._
_Green the G._ (_in a tone of instruction_). You will notice that the
thistle is very abundant just here, Ladies and Gentlemen. The reason
of _that_, is that some years ago a vessel was wrecked on this part of
the coast which was sailing from Scotland with a cargo of thistledown.
(_Outcry of incredulity_.) If you don't believe me, ask the Coachman.
_The Coachman_ (_stolidly_). It's a fact, Gentlemen, I assure you.
_G. the G._ The soil of Jersey is remarkably productive; if you plant
a sixpence, it will come up a shilling in no time. The cabbages on
this island grow to an extraordinary height, frequently attaining
twenty feet--(_outcry_)--yes, if you measure up one side, and down the
other. (_They pass a couple of sheep on a slope._) The finest flock
of sheep in the island. The dark one is not black, only a little
sunburnt. The house you see on that hill over there was formerly slept
in by CHARLES THE SECOND. He left a pair of slippers behind him--which
have since grown into top-boots. There you see the only windmill in
this part of the island--there _used_ to be three, but it was found
there was not enough wind for them all. From here you have a clear
view of the coast of France; and, when the wind is blowing in this
direction, you have an excellent opportunity of acquiring the French
accent in all its purity. (_This string of somewhat hoary chestnuts
meets with a success beyond their intrinsic merits, the_ Morose Man
_being as much entertained as anybody._) On your right is an inland
lake of fresh water--
_The Muzzy Man_ (_waking up with sudden interest_). Can you drink it
with perfect impunity?
_G. the G._ Depends how far you are accustomed to it as a beverage,
Sir. (_The car stops at an hotel._) We stop here two hours, Ladies and
Gentlemen, to enable you to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards.
You can leave anything you like on the cars except five-pound
notes--and they _might_ get blown away!