THE BACHELOR'S WEDDING.
When a bachelor marries the arrangement of the details of the ceremony
and reception are left to the bride's family, and there is really very
little about which to instruct him. Many men wish to know how these
matters should be conducted, and a short review is here given under the
penalty of its being not within the scope of the Complete Bachelor.
Weddings in society are celebrated either at church or at the home of
the bride. The church wedding is the most popular, and in large cities
the most fashionable, as it admits of the presence of a large number of
people and lends much solemnity to the occasion.
The fashionable hour for a wedding is from high noon--midday--until five
o'clock. Evening weddings have within the past five years not been as
much in vogue as formerly.
The invitations are issued within a fortnight of the ceremony. The
formula is an announcement engraved on a sheet of heavy cream paper
folded in two. It is issued in the name of the bride's parents or
guardian, and it requests the pleasure of the guest's presence at the
marriage of their daughter or ward at such a church or such a number, at
such an hour of the day, month, and year. A separate card, inclosed,
with the announcement and invitation to the church, states the hours of
the reception. The invitations are very simple, engraved in plain
English script, and the paper and cards are of a standard quality known
to stationers for this purpose. The inner one is addressed only with the
name of the person invited, the outer one has this and the street, the
street number, and full directions for mailing. Gilt-edged or fancy
stationery is vulgar.
I herewith append some examples. The English invariably insist on the
R. S. V. P., or "answer if you please," on even church invitations. This
is not the regular New York custom.
The reason for this is that in England those asked to the church are
always expected also at the reception. Only the bridal party sit down to
an elaborate breakfast, the other guests being given the very lightest
of refreshments.
American form:
_Mr. and Mrs._ ----
_request your presence_
_at the marriage of their daughter_
_Katherine_
_to_
_Mr._ ----,
_Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,_
_at twelve o'clock._
_Grace Church,_
_Broadway and Tenth Street._
Also:
_Mr. and Mrs._ ----
_request the honor of your presence_
_at the marriage of their daughter_
_Annie_
_to_
_Mr._ ----
_on_ (etc.).
_Mr. and Mrs._ ----
_request your presence_
_at the marriage of their daughter_
_Myra Raymond_
_to_
_Mr._ ----,
_Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,_
_at twelve o'clock._
_Grace Church,_
_Broadway and Tenth Street._
_Mr. and Mrs._ ----
_request the honor of your presence_
_at the marriage of their daughter_
_Annie_
_to_
_Mr._ ----
_on Tuesday morning, November twenty-seventh,_
_at half past eleven o'clock._
_St. Leo's Church,_
_East Twenty-eighth Street._
------
_Please present this card at_
_St. Leo's Church,_
_November twenty-seventh._
English form:
_Mr. and Mrs._ ----
_request the pleasure of_
_Lord and Lady ----'s_
_company at_
_St. Peter's, Eaton Square,_
_on Saturday, November 4th, at two o'clock,_
_on the occasion of the marriage of their daughter_
_Margaret and_ ---- ----,
_and afterward at 1 Grosvenor Square._
_R. S. V. P._
------
_Admit bearer_
_to_
_St. Peter's Church, Eaton Square,_
_on November 4th, 1895, at two o'clock._
If the bride whom a bachelor is marrying is a widow and lives in her own
house, the invitations to the church and the reception, or to either or
both, would read simply, "The pleasure of your company is requested at
the wedding," etc., with a separate card bearing the word reception and
stating the hour and address.
Should there be no guests at the wedding, and should it be conducted
very quietly or privately, it is necessary that announcement cards be
sent out after the event has taken place. These are issued in the name
of the bride's parent, parents, or guardian, who simply announce "the
marriage of their daughter [or ward] Elizabeth to Mr. Henry Smith
Walcott, Thursday, June the twentieth, eighteen hundred and ninety-six."
In the left-hand corner is placed the address of those sending out the
cards. A card is also inclosed with the names of the newly married
couple, their address, and their reception day. Should there be neither
parents nor guardians, the parties to the contract can announce it
themselves with one card thus: "Mr. William Benham Thorne and Miss
Eleanore Taylor, married on Thursday, November the seventh, eighteen
hundred and ----, New York." Another card can also be inclosed, on
which is the new address of the married couple, as well as their day at
home. If it is a church wedding, and there are neither guardians nor
parents, you can use the form, "You are invited to be present at the
wedding of ----," etc.
A too rigid economy should not be observed in the sending of wedding
invitations, and the prospective bridegroom should see that this is
carried out. In case there are several members of a family, it is good
form to inclose an invitation to each; thus, Mr. and Mrs. Algernon
Smith, the Misses Smith, and Messrs. Smith making three smaller
envelopes inclosed in the larger one addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Algernon
Smith.
As I have advised in the chapter on Cards, your pasteboard should be
left at the house of those in whose name the invitations are issued,
even if you are asked only to the church. If to the reception, you owe
two visits of "digestion"--one to the bride's parents and one to the
happy pair.
All the expenses pertaining to a wedding are borne by the bride's
parents. The bridegroom, however, pays the clergyman's fee and provides
his own carriage, cab, or hansom from his rooms to the church. This
vehicle is also sent to the house of the best man.
All expenses after the marriage are, of course, defrayed by the
bridegroom. It has been strict etiquette for the bride and bridegroom
not to use the family carriage, which usually takes them from the
church, to fetch them to the railroad station, but one provided by the
bridegroom. It is frequently a matter of courtesy for the bride's
parents to offer this for the occasion.
_The bridegroom_ should, as soon as the wedding day is appointed, choose
his best man and his ushers. The vogue is to ask his nearest unmarried
male relative or his most intimate bachelor friend to serve in the
capacity of best man. More recently a number of very fashionable New
Yorkers have had married men take that position, and thus the innovation
has sanction through the action of the "smart set." A married best man
is said to be an English fad, but I find that it could be more correctly
termed an Anglo-Indian mode, as this new idea is much more popular in
Calcutta and Bombay than in London.
In the selection of ushers, a man asks usually some few of his intimates
or club friends, and through courtesy to his prospective bride a male
member of her family, frequently her brother. Six ushers are the usual
number, although four are quite sufficient. Some few men have been known
to dispense with the services of the best man and have only ushers, but
this is not exactly correct at a fashionable church wedding. The ushers
can be very easily omitted if the ceremony is to take place at the
house.
_The bridegroom_ presents his best man and his ushers with their ties,
their gloves, and tie pin, which is a souvenir of the occasion, as well
as their _boutonnieres_, or "buttonholes," to accept the last English
expression, to be worn at the ceremony.
The tie, gloves, and tie pin are given to the best man and the ushers at
the farewell bachelor dinner; the _boutonnieres_ are ordered at the
florist's and sent to them on the morning of the wedding. Lilies of the
valley are the favorite wedding flowers, but the floral arrangements are
regulated by the bride's family, who possibly have a certain color or
flower scheme for the church decorations, and the "buttonholes" must be
in keeping.
_The bridegroom_ generally provides hansoms or _coupes_ to drive his
ushers to the church from their respective residences. As the bride's
family provides the carriages for the _cortege_, these other vehicles
may be dismissed at the church.
_The bridegroom_ himself drives to the church in a hansom with his best
man.
If it is a house wedding these carriages need not be provided. In this
country the _bridegroom_ does not give the bridesmaids any token or
present. In England he presents them with brooches or bracelets. In New
York the bride presents her maid of honor and bridesmaids with souvenirs
in the shape of lace pins, brooches, or bracelets.
_The bridegroom_ always gives to his bride a handsome wedding present,
which is to be worn or carried on the happy day. It may be a diamond
tiara, it may be a diamond star, it may be jewels of any kind which he
can ascertain would be acceptable to her, or it may be a prayer book.
_The bridegroom_ does not provide any part of the bride's costume.
If the bride should carry flowers instead of a prayer book, this special
bouquet is the gift of the bridegroom, but the flowers for the
bridesmaids are provided by the bride.
The expenses of the wedding notices in the newspapers and the fee to the
clergyman are paid by the bridegroom through the agency of the best
man.
The wedding ring is of bright burnished gold, perfectly plain. The date
of the wedding and the initials of the happy pair should be engraved on
the inside. The ring is confided to the best man, who produces it at the
proper time during the ceremony.
It is customary for a prospective bridegroom to purchase or, rather, to
have a wedding outfit made. Very elaborate affairs of this kind are not
in good taste, and anything which suggests the occasion is certainly
vulgar. Beyond the clothes for the ceremony, there should be a general
overhauling of the wardrobe and shirts, undervests, underclothes,
handkerchiefs, and such articles must, if any of them are needed or have
fallen into decay, be supplied or renewed. All this is a matter of
taste.
_The bachelor farewell dinner_ is now a recognized institution. Perhaps
next to the ceremony itself, it is regarded as the most important social
function of the wedding week.
If you are a member of a club, your farewell dinner should be given
there in one of the private dining rooms. Otherwise it is perfectly
correct to have it at a well-known restaurant or hotel, in, of course, a
private dining room. You may have it at your own house, and, should your
parents be living and you reside with them, it can be given at home.
The club, however, is really first choice. Sometimes the strictly
bachelor dinner is dispensed with, and in its stead a dinner is given to
the entire bridal party by the family of the bride. This does away with
the presumed selfishness of the "stag" dinner, and the possible excuse
for some one or more of the guests to become exhilarated--a _finale_, I
am grieved to say, that has happened on more than one occasion.
At the stag dinner you should have your best man, your ushers, and
several of your friends. You can invite a married man or so, especially
if he is a very jolly fellow, and it is expected that some one or more
of your bride's relatives will be included. Twelve is a good number,
but, of course, never thirteen, because women are generally
superstitious, and should this become known to your future one it might
cause her great mental anxiety.
The gloves, ties, and tie or scarf pins to be given to the best man and
ushers are placed in white boxes tied with white satin ribbon and put in
the outer room to be handed to each man as he bids adieu. Perhaps it
might be more prudent to place them at the covers, but it would hardly
be good form, as there would be in that case several of the guests
without favors. And, besides, a dinner with favors is not permissible
in these days.
_Boutonnieres_ of lilies of the valley should be also placed at each
cover. The _menu_ cards should be simple but tasteful. Elaborate _menus_
are not now in the best form. In fact, with a bachelor dinner, as with
all functions of this kind, elegant simplicity should be the
predominating characteristic; cut glass and silver are all that is
required. In the center of the table a basket, or, better, a silver
_jardiniere_ of roses, is the only floral decoration. During the course
of the dinner these flowers are removed and are sent to the bride-elect.
It is sometimes the custom--and a very pretty one--for each guest to
note a sentiment on a _menu_ card or simply his own name, and have that
sent also with the flowers.
The dinner itself can, but need not be very elaborate. I do not like a
dinner of many courses. It is usual to serve sherry and whisky and
caviare sandwiches in the anteroom before dinner, and also to have
cigars and cigarettes galore there as well as at table, although it is
not permissible to smoke before the cheese is served. I would recommend
raw oysters, a clear soup, a bit of fish with sliced cucumber--an
attractive _entree_; a _fillet_ with vegetables, canvas-back duck,
cheese and salad, coffee, and fruit.
THE CEREMONY.
On the morning of the wedding the bridegroom is called for in the hansom
or cab which has been ordered for himself and the best man. The best man
calls for him and takes him to the church. They should time their
movements so as to arrive at least five minutes before the hour
appointed for the ceremony. The same precaution should be observed if it
is a house wedding.
At day weddings afternoon dress is _de rigueur_ for bridegroom, best
man, ushers, and all male guests. The bridegroom, best man, and ushers
should be dressed alike in frock coats and waistcoats to match, trousers
of dark gray striped, patent-leather shoes, gray suede gloves, white or
pearl-colored scarfs, and top hats.
The English have allowed some latitude, and wear gray frock coats and
even colored shirts, but this fashion is not generally in vogue in
America. Evening weddings require formal evening dress. A wedding at
dusk in winter, where the bride wears traveling costume, calls for
afternoon dress on the part of the bridegroom.
The bridegroom and best man alight at the vestry. They remain in the
back of the chancel until the first notes of the wedding march notify
them of the presence of the bride. The best man must see before the
ceremony that the bridegroom's top hat, as well as his own, is sent to
the entrance of the church to be handed to the respective owners on
their exit.
When the bride, on the arm of her father or guardian, approaches the
altar, the bridegroom and best man walk out from the vestry, either
together or the best man in advance. In the latter case the best man
steps back at the chancel rail, and allows the bridegroom to pass before
him. The bridegroom stands on the right-hand side of the altar or
reading desk and the best man on his right. The bride is on the
bridegroom's left, and her father or guardian a little behind her on her
left.
To avoid confusion, the ceremony is generally rehearsed an evening or
two before. Much depends on the liturgy of the communion to which the
couple belong. The best man has charge of the ring, and must produce it
and hand it to the clergyman at the time it is demanded.
At the conclusion of the ceremony the best man precedes the bride and
bridegroom in the procession, escorting the maid of honor, unless the
_cortege_ has been differently arranged. In that case, he makes his way
either through the vestry or down one of the aisles to the church door,
where he superintends the filing away of the bridal carriages and party.
At the reception he goes in to breakfast with the maid of honor, or with
a near relative of the bride's family. He may use the bridegroom's
hansom from the church to the house, or he may go with one of the
family. There is no rule for this. The bride and bridegroom use the
bride's carriage.
The best man is intrusted also with the paying of the clergyman. The
bridegroom will give him a check for this purpose. As already stated, he
also inserts the marriage notices in the newspapers, the funds for which
are also provided by the bridegroom. He pays his own personal expenses.
The ushers meet in the church about an hour before the ceremony. The
bridegroom generally puts carriages at their disposal, but that is not
in the least obligatory. They can take hansoms or cabs, or for that
matter go to the rendezvous in the car or stage. The ushers stand at the
foot of the nave or aisle and busy themselves escorting guests to
seats. An usher offers his right arm to the lady he escorts up the
aisle. Even if a lady should be accompanied by her husband or escort,
the usher should offer her his arm, and the other man walks up behind
them. If an usher should not have had the formality of an introduction
to the lady he is showing to a seat, a bow and a smile when leaving her
is all that is necessary. An usher, being a friend of the family, knows
those who ought to go beyond the ribbon and those who are not relatives
or family connections. The bride's brothers, if they are ushers, take
care of the members of their family, and the intimate friends of the
bridegroom or his relations. The relatives of the bride are placed in
the front pews beyond the ribbon on the right-hand side of the altar,
and the bridegroom's on the left-hand side. At the arrival of the bridal
party the ushers get together and form in the back of the church for the
procession up the aisle or nave. Their meeting thus is the cue for the
sexton, who signals the organist, and the march is started. The ushers
advance up the aisle, two by two, until they reach the chancel, where
they divide on the right and on the left, allowing the bridesmaids to
pass before them, standing in a semicircle around the altar rails. If it
is a Roman Catholic wedding they genuflect as they reach the chancel.
They file down the aisle in the same order, heading the bridal
procession. At the carriage way they assist the bridesmaids in their
carriages, and by previous arrangement they are allotted to certain
carriages escorting the bridesmaids.
_At the reception_ the bride and bridegroom take their places under a
wedding bell of flowers or in the front drawing room between the two
front windows, or, again, in the back drawing room. The house is
decorated with palms, potted plants, flowers, and other foliage. Pink
and white orchids, ferns, and chrysanthemums make very effective
decorations. The mother of the bride, or nearest female relative, stands
at the door of the drawing room and greets the guests. The ushers and
bridesmaids are scattered about the room. If there is only a reception,
then the guests, after exchanging greetings with the lady of the house,
pass on and shake hands with and congratulate the bridegroom and wish
the bride joy. Unless you are an intimate friend, do not attempt any set
speech. The bride will say, if she has not seen you for a short time
before the wedding, "I must thank you, Mr. Smith, for your beautiful
present," or something of that kind. If you do not know the bridegroom
she will present you to him. If you are a friend of the bridegroom he
will present you to the bride, and should say, if such is the case,
"Evangeline," or "May," or "Margaret," or otherwise; or "My dear, let me
present to you Mr. Algernon Smith, who, you remember, is one of my best
friends." And if Mrs. ---- has any tact, she will at once reply, "I am
so pleased to meet any of my husband's old friends, and I must thank
you, Mr. Smith, for the beautiful _bonbon_ dishes. They were just what I
wanted," or words to that effect. Then pass on. Refreshments are served
at a wedding reception from a buffet in the dining room. If you enter
with a lady, ask her what she would like, and get it for her. Then take
your own choice of refreshment, and stand or sit by her as the
accommodations of the room will permit. A half hour at a wedding
reception is sufficient. It is not good form to bid good-by to the bride
and bridegroom, but only to the lady of the house.
If there is no chaperon--for instance, if the bride be a widow or
divorcee and is in her own home--then you must bid her good-by, but in
such cases large receptions are not given.
There is always a breakfast or luncheon set for the bridal party, at
which the bride, escorted by the bridegroom, leads the way. The bride's
father, escorting the bridegroom's mother, the ushers and bridesmaids
and relatives follow. In this country we have no special law of
precedence, and these bridal luncheons are more or less informal. There
are no toasts.
After breakfast the valet, should there be one, must be ready with the
bridegroom's valise, when his master retires to put on a tweed suit for
traveling; otherwise it can be laid out by one of the servants. With the
coachman on the box and amid the usual shower of rice and slippers, as
also the fusillade of a battery of eyes from neighbors' windows, and
perhaps a crowd of street urchins and admiring servants, the happy
couple start out on their wedding journey. I think it is better taste to
wait until dark, almost, so as to avoid all this unseemly publicity, and
I am averse to having the coachman and horses decked with white ribbons;
but, of course, one does not marry every day in the year, and these
little eccentricities are pardonable on such--shall I say?--an
"auspicious" occasion.
At a home wedding, as has been said above, ushers are not necessary. The
same ceremonial is observed as at church, but due allowance must be
made for crowded quarters. Usually very few are asked to the ceremony,
but many to the reception afterward. As soon as the ceremony is over
congratulations are in order, the newly married couple standing under
the bell of flowers where they were married, and receiving the good
wishes of their friends.
If a man marries abroad there are many annoying bits of red tape to be
considered. In London you are obliged to have a legal residence in the
parish where the ceremony is to be performed. In Paris a civil marriage
before the mayor of the district is necessary. Certificates of baptism
must be filed with him, and you must give proof of the legal consent of
both your parents as well as those of the bride. The religious ceremony
takes place twenty-four hours after the civil. It is strict etiquette
that the contracting parties do not see each other during this interim.
The order of the wedding procession in France and on the Continent
differs vastly from that in England and America. There are neither
ushers nor a best man. If there are bridesmaids the groomsmen accompany
them. The bride enters on the arm of her father preceded by the
attendants, and the bridegroom follows, escorting his future
mother-in-law. A long procession of relatives brings up the rear. The
men, no matter at what time of the day the ceremony might take
place--and evening weddings are unknown--are in formal evening dress.
Under the French law also no widow or divorcee can remarry until ten
months have elapsed since the dissolution of the previous contract. This
should not be forgotten by bachelors contemplating matrimony with either
one of these classes of eligibles. In Germany there are further
complications, and I would advise all citizens of the United States
contemplating matrimony there to consult the consul or minister at the
legation.