_In short time after the old Mans Wife is with Child again, and brought
to bed of a Son, to the great charge of the Father. The Old Mans ways
of getting Moneys and his covetous humour of stealing Bricks: he is
caught in the manner, and made to pay for it; also he is forced to
wade through the water by his Covetousness. The Extravagancies of the
young Son, who being corrected by his School Master, in revenge breaks
his Windows: His Mother locks him up, and he cuts her Chairs and
Stools in pieces, his Father threatens to correct him, and he pretends
to be drowned; he gets Money from his Father, rambles and spends it;
and coming home, his Father again threatning him, he pretends to be
hanged._
Whether our Old Blade was pleased with his Nights lodging with his Wife,
I know not, but I am sure he was displeased with the effects of that, or
some suddainly after, for it was not long ere his Wife discovered her
self to be with child again; and then there was not only the second part
to the same tune, but also much more trouble; for she breeding this
great Belly worse than the other, was more troublesome; and concluding
by this difference in her breeding, that now she should have a different
birth, a Son to her Daughter, She told the old man that she was
confident of it; and so indeed it proved; for at the usual time she was
brought a Bed of a Son but he was a chargeable one to the Old man in his
birth, and a cross to him all his life after.
Much provision was made to entertain their young Heir; and although the
woman was well enough provided before, yet now there were additions to
every thing, and all the house was altered and turned topsie turvy; two
Rooms beat into one, to make a Hall big enough to entertain the Guests
the more commodiously; and a suit of Tapestry-Hangings, and Turky-work
Chairs, and other Furniture to adorn it; and should I run through all
the several alterations and additions that were then made, I should be
as troublesom to you, as this woman was to her Husbands Money bags:
wherefore I will omit all things of that nature to your imaginations,
and only tell you in general, that this woman was as profuse in her
expences as she could imagine; so that her Husband, after this lying in,
did give her an account of her expences, and made out clearly to her,
that she had cost him in alterations in his house, and these two Lyings
in, full as much as he had with her for Portion; and therefore he
knowing the virtue of ready Money, was resolved not to be over-rul’d by
her any longer, and be led to these vain extravagancies. Although his
Estate, and profit and gains of his Trade would well enough bear with
these expences, yet he being naturally covetous, being now grown old,
that Vice was encreased, and knowing that now he had two Children to
provide for, he scrap’d up all he could, pretending to his wife it was
for her and them; so that now his Purse was close shut against all her
requests and entreaties; and not long after a fair opportunity of a good
Customer happening, he sold off all his Stock in Trade, Utensils, and
House; and having an estate large enough for him to manage without
Trading, he left of all employment, and retired, taking a House a few
miles off from _London_; thither did he carry his Wife and Family: and
now in this private way he designed to save; for now there was no
occasion of feasting and entertaining Friends, as before. The wife was
now cut off from deceiving the old man of his Money, because he seldom
kept any in his House, leaving that still, as it came to hand, at his
Scriveners in _London_, and bringing home no more than would serve to
keep house: and now all that she could handsomly get was by cheating him
in her Marketting; for She would pretend that parcel of meat which cost
her ten shillings, did cost her twelve or thirteen, and so of the rest.
So that she brought the old man to allow her fourty Shillings _per_ week
to keep the House; and then she pinched his Guts, and made him look out
abroad for Victuals; at home She would make a neck of Mutton serve for
three dressings, and would give him of the worst: but he made his belly
amends by visiting of Friends, who treated him; he was one of the
Masters of the Company of which he was a freeman; he was one of the
Masters of the Parish, where he had long dwelt; he was one of the
Masters of one or two Hospitals; and as long-liv’d over-grown rich
Citizens usually are so was he in all these places, and many more; so
that there was seldom a week in the year; and sometimes never a day in
the week; but he was invited to one of these Assemblies; where he did
eat at the cost of others, and not only eat, but carry away in his
Hawking-bag which he wore by his side on purpose, although he pretended
it was to carry Papers and writings which he had occasion to use; and
this Hawking bag was seldom empty; for when he was at any of these
feasts, or at any other Treatment by a friend, he would stuff it full of
such Provant as best liked him; and now having the conveniency of
carriage, he would also steal Knives; nay, rather then fail,
Candles-ends, and put them into his Hawking-bag; and I have known that
sometimes his Covetousness hath carried him further, to steal quarries
of glass out of the windows of the House where he hath been, and thereby
damage other folks windows to mend his own.
These were the effects of his Covetousness, but he was catch’d in one
trick, and made to pay soundly for it, and thus it was: His house being
a few miles from _London_, he usually went and came every day, sometimes
on Horseback, but usually on foot; he had occasion for a parcel of
bricks to build a small brick wall, to divide a yard; and seeing in his
way between _London_ and home that there was a Brick-kiln, and withal
that it was usual with people to take one or two, he did so likewise;
and still when he went home on foot, he would take 2, 3, or 4, and
clapping them under his Cloak, carry them home. At times he had thus
carryed home as many as would neer build his wall; but the owner of the
Brick-kiln being acquainted with his doings, and his covetous
inclination, was resolved to catch him, and make him pay for it;
wherefore he watched him, and catcht him with four bricks under his arm:
How now? my friend, said the Brick-maker, What have you gotten under
your Cloak? Nothing, nothing, replyed our Old Dotard: I must see, said
the other; and thereupon threw open his Cloak, and discovered the prize:
what do you with these Bricks? said the Owner: and thereupon being
resolved what to do, called his Servants, and went before a Justice of
Peace with the Old man; who being thus caught, could not deny the fact;
but the Owner charged him with many thousand of Bricks, which, he said,
he had lost; and so ordered the matter, that he made our Old man pay
more than his Brick-wall might have been honestly built for; and thus
did his Covetousness bring him to shame and disgrace; but he still
persevered in it, though it were sometimes to his dammage.
He being one evening going home, and passing by a River, saw two men a
fishing; he not being in haste, stepp’d to a sandy-bank that was in the
River, and stood there some time to see them and that so long, that the
Tide being come in, he was incompassed with water, and did not perceive
it; and there he was in great care and fear to come out; he must not
adventure to wade; but seeing a labouring man come by, he cried out to
him, for Heavens sake to come and help him out, and he would reward him
very largly, and withal pulled out his purse of money, shewing him that
he was furnished with that which would recompence him for his pains.
The poor man seeing that attractive Metal, and hoping that he might get
as much for a small job as he had gained all the day, he therefore
without any more ado wades through the water to the place where our Old
Fellow was; and being come thither, took him in his arms, and carried
him through the water, and so set him down; he being now out of danger,
cryed, the Lord bless you, honest man, I will reward you; and thereupon
drawing his Purse, fumbled in it, turning his money over and over, and
finding three farthings, gave them to the poor man, telling him, if he
could have found the fourth he should have had it; he all this while
stood with his Cap in hand, with a God bless your worship; but being
deceived in his expectation, he was resolved to be even with the old
Dotard, and therefore clapping his Cap on his head, he caught hold on
the old Fellow: and taking him in his Arms, stept into the water, and
carried him to, and set him down in the place where he had took him up,
and there left him; and being come again ashore, said to the old man,
Sir, since you are so bountiful in your reward, I thought it fit to earn
my money by carrying you twice as far as you intended; the Old man
called out to him, desiring him for all loves to carry him out, but he
was deaf to all perswasions, and therefore left him; so that the Old man
doubting that he should be drowned, was enforced to wade through, as he
saw the fellow had done; and so he went home dropping dry.
Thus was he sometimes catch’d, but what he lost, or what dammage soever
he sustained, he made others to pay for it, especially his Debtors, for
he still caused them to feast him; and he was not content with what he
could eat or drink, but he must carry away, not only in his Hawking-bag,
but he had another Utensil, a silver Sucking-bottle, and still this was
filled at other folks charges either with Canary or strong-Waters; and
this the Old fellow drank off as he travelled, or else emptyed out when
he came home, keeping it for a reserve.
And as he pinched, and scraped together from others, so his wife did
from him, and that she saved, she expended or preferred upon her young
Son; who was no sooner come to be eight years of age, but he shewed
forth the most vitious and debauched inclination of any youth in the
place where he dwelt; and his Mother cockering him, and encouraging him
in his follies, it was not hard to guess at his future deportment; so
that all concluded that he would use the fork in dispersing and
scattering abroad, as well as his Father had used the rake in gathering
and scraping together; and that he would spend that under the Divels
belly, which his Father had gained over the Divels back; and to manage
him in his early debaucheries, his Mother supplyed him with Moneys,
which was like putting a Sword into a Mad-mans hand; for he employed
that, to do as much mischief: by that time he came to be ten years of
age, his Sister died; and now he being the only Child, was much humoured
by his Mother.
The Father prosecuted his ways of getting Money by Usury, and left the
whole management of the Son to his wife; neither indeed would she permit
him to be under his tuition, or be instructed by him, lest, as she said,
he should be infected with Covetousness, and other his ill Qualities. He
being Master of Moneys, was thereby Master of all the Boys that dwelt
near him; and he spending Money on them still, had them at his dispose;
and they not being supplied by their Parents with Moneys as he was,
would sometimes steal from them to keep him company; he raised a whole
Company of these Boys, and became their Captain; and if he had a mind to
do any mischief to any other Boys, he could presently execute it by one
of these.
He would not go to School to that Master that once whipped him, neither
would his Mother permit that her son, how deservedly soever, should be
corrected, but strait took him away from School; and he rather went not
at all to be instructed, than would admit of any correction. He being
for his untowardness lashed by one of his School-masters, went away, and
would to be reveng’d of his Master, abuse and affront him, and those
that took his part; the School-master hearing of it, caused a couple of
the lustiest of his Scholars to catch him, and bring him into the
School, where he caused him to be untrussed and horsed, lashed him
soundly, giving him School-butter, and then sent him away. This affront
our young man stomached exceedingly, and was resolved to revenge it;
wherefore he assembled those of his companions who were led to assist
him in any mischievous undertaking; and acquainting them with his
purpose, they promised their ready assistance; and he not caring, so it
were done, how it were done, took up a parcel of stones, and a Cudgel in
his hand, and causing all the rest of his Company to do so too, they
advanced to the School-Masters House, where they all at once discharged
a whole volley of stones against the windows, and after that another; by
this time the School-Master himself was alarm’d, and looking out of the
School window, had like to have had his Teeth beaten out with a stone;
which however shook and loosened two or three: The Scholars seeing this
affront put on their Master, all ran down to revenge it; and catching up
what sticks and stones they could first meet with, began a dangerous
fight, which continued till the Constable came to part them; there were
several on both sides wounded, and the School-Masters windows were much
dammaged; wherefore he knowing who was the Ring-leader of this Rout, had
him secured, and carried before the Justice, where the School-Master
made his complaint with reason enough; but our young mans Father was so
intimate with the Justice that the poor School-Master could have no
Justice done him; but the young man being soundly checkt, was sent home
to his Mother. His Father doubting that these exorbitant courses would
be dangerous, was resolved to correct his Son, but his Mother would not
let him come under his disciplination, but would undertake to correct
him her self: He who had never yet been contradicted in any thing that
was his will, was very unwilling now to take any correction; and
although that which his Mother intended was but small, yet he would not
endure it.
All she did to him was to lock him up in a Chamber for two or three
days, till she could humble him; but he was too stiff now to stoop to
her or any Body else; wherefore when he had been kept in one whole day,
his Mother coming to visit him, she found him more stubborn than before;
and he threatned, that if she kept him in, he would be even with her:
she ventured him the second day, and came to him again at night, but
found no amendment, but tokens of a high stomach she told him, she must
and would break him, he said, she could not, nor should not; and if she
kept him within any longer, she should have cause to repent it. She was
resolved to try, but he was as good as his word; for getting a Knife, he
had cut all her fine Chairs and Stools to pieces; she seeing this, was
passionately angry, and turned him out of the Room, gave him over to be
corrected by his Father; who understanding the Mischief he had done, was
resolved to punish him severely, and to that end made preparations. The
Servants in the house advised him to submit himself to his Father and
Mother, and ask forgiveness, and that they would undertake all should be
well again; but he would not yield, but was resolved to take another
course; wherefore he provided himself with necessaries, and thus he did.
He went to a Pond, about a mile from his Fathers House, and putting off
his Clothes, went into the water, and staid there some time, so that he
was seen and observed by several Boys, who were there a washing: he
out-staid them all, and then dressed himself, and having brought out
with him two Hats and two pair of Shooes, and Stockings; he threw one
Hat into the Pond, and left one pair of Shooes and Stockings, by the
Pond side, and so went to a Neighbours house near home, and hid himself
in a Barn.
The Father being resolved to fetch him up the next morning, expected his
coming home that Night, but to no purpose, for he came not; and although
diligent inquiry was made among the Neighbour-hood, yet there was no
news to be heard of him. The Father was troubled, but the Mother much
more, not knowing what was become of him; early the next morning all the
Servants were sent out several ways to inquire after him; at length,
some of his Companions were met withal, who, upon inquiry told them,
that they had seen him the Evening before, in such a Pond; the Servants
hearing this, went thither, and there they saw the killing sight of the
hat, and shooes, and Stockings; they then concluded, as he intended they
should, that he was drowned; those remains of his being, as they
thought, but too sure Evidence of that fatal truth. They inquired no
further at present, but went home and told their Master, and Mistress,
the sad news of their Sons misfortune; he was much dejected at the
telling of that dismal Relation, but she was now as one distracted,
exclaiming against her Husband, whose severity towards her dear Son, she
said, had been the cause of this his unhappy Fate: her Friends could not
comfort her, neither could her Husbands perswasions work any thing upon
her, but that she would go to the place where her Son had perished. Her
Husband disswaded her against this, and promised that he would have the
Pond searched, and thereupon gave order to employ a couple of Fellows to
rake the Pond all over, but to no purpose; for although they were paid
for their pains, yet they lost their labour.
And now the Father finding that the Body of his Son was not to be found
dead, was in hopes that he might yet hear of him alive; and he
endeavoured to perswade his Wife into this opinion.
In the mean time our young Gentleman lay perdue in the Neighbours Barn;
and being provided with sufficient Provant, was as safe as a Thief in a
Mill; and although he was at that distance from home, yet he could hear
of the distraction his Father and Mother were in, for it was all the
News of the place, that Mr. _R_’s Son was drowned, to the great grief of
his Father and Mother: he was well pleased to hear that they were so ill
pleased; and thought now he should be revenged on them that were
resolved to be revenged on him; the consideration of his Mothers sorrow
was great joy to him, and he hoped to reap this benefit that he might
for the future rule, and reign in his Roguery; hoping that his Father
and Mother would leave him to his own dispose; lest he should hereafter
do that in earnest, that they would now find in jest; but thinking that
they had not as yet suffered enough for what they had made him suffer, a
two days imprisonment, whereas he had not been wanting above one day; he
was therefore resolved to stay there a little longer, but he was soon
after discovered: for being somewhat cleanly, and leaving his Lodging,
to go into the yard to untruss, one of the Family came and saw him; he
would have fled, but his Breeches being about his heels hindred him; so
that at the exclamation of that party who saw him, all the rest of the
Family where he was hid came out to him; and seeming joyed to see him,
asked him a hundred questions at once, to which he gave them never a
word of answer; but they minded not his humour much, but being joyful of
his safety, now spake of acquainting his Father and Mother therewith; he
knowing they would do so, and that quickly, told them that they might do
so; but withal he desired them to enjoyn his Father and Mother both, not
to ask him any questions, for if they did, he said he would not answer
them; and besides, it was likely it would be the worse for them and him
both. They hearing what he said, did not inquire into his reasons for
what he had said, but went home to his Parents, and told them how it
was. At this joyful news the Father was well pleased; but the Mother was
so overjoyed, that she could not contain her self from running to the
place where he was; and there she discovered the excess of her joy, by
the excess of her passion, which hurried her on to Extravagancies, in
embracing, and kissing her Graceless Son, who received her expressions
of Love with much indifferency and coldness: She did not observe that,
but took all at the best; and being joyed that she had him in her sight,
lead him home.
The Father being acquainted with his Son’s Injunction, that he must not
be asked any Questions, concluded from thence the true reason of it;
however, he dissembled his knowledge, and, to humour his Wife and Son,
said nothing to him, but commanded that he used no more of these tricks,
and that then all that had passed already should be forgotten. The Son
gave him the hearing, but was resolved to take his own swinge; and by
this occasion knowing the extreme love his Mother had for him, made very
ill use of it, venturing to do any thing though never so debauched. For
if his Mother did not give him enough, he would steal it from her, and
all her locking up from him was to as little purpose, as her Husbands
locking up from her; for her Son would frequently come at her money; and
she would as often come at the Old mans: who was so accustomed to be
dispossessed of what money he had by his wife, that sometimes the Son
met with it, and disappointed his Mother; but it was all as one, for
that if she did get it, it was but to bestow on him.
The Old man seeing that his Locks and Keys would not keep his money
secure, found out other inventions to hide it, which he did in ordinary
unsuspected places, as among the Sea-coals, or in some hole of the House
or Garden. But the Son one time met with a purse of ten pound; and that
being too much to be spent in one day, he staid out a whole week; his
Mother was now distracted as before, for his absence, but the father
soon missing his money, and believing that his Son had met with it, was
satisfied that he would stay abroad till it was spent, and so he did;
for at the weeks end he came home as confidently, as if he had done no
harm. Although his Mother, out of joy for the return of her Prodigal,
was well enough satisfied with his theft, yet the Old man once more was
resolved to correct him: and therefore getting him up into a Garret,
locked him up till such time as he might prepare himself for the
Correction he intended. This young Extravagant being thus incarcerated,
set his wits at work how to get out; at length he found a Gutter-window,
and saw that he might get out to the top of the House; this he resolved
to do, but withal he intended once again to put his Mother to the
fright; and thereupon searching the Garret, he found all sorts of
materials and utensils fit for his design; he first took an old Doublet
and Breeches, and stuffed them full of rags, straw, and such rubbish as
he could find, and then he took shooes and stockings and stuffed the
stockings full of bran; and making somewhat like a head, he put his hat
on it; and putting the Coat he wore over all this, he put a rope about
the neck of this Scare-crow, and so hanged it on one of the beams in the
Garret; when he had put his matters in this order, he sat down, and
being well pleased at his own invention, laughed as heartily now as he
knew his Mother would cry when she came to see it; and having thus
bestowed this Scar-crow, he got out to the top of the house, and sat
there _perdue_, expecting the event.
His Father being provided with all things necessary for the correction
he intended him, mounted up stairs, and with him a Neighbour whom he had
called to his assistance; and being come to the Garret-door, and having
opened it, he cried out, where are you, Sirrah, that I may correct you:
there was no answer, nor Son to be seen, (as he expected) walking; but
it was not long ere he saw him, as he supposed, hanging between Heaven
and Earth.
* * * * *
Although the Old man came with a resolution to chastise his Son, yet he
at this killing spectacle fell down, and appeared more dead than alive;
and the man who accompanied him, seeing the Son, as he supposed, hanging
quite dead, and the Father in little better condition, he ran down and
allarm’d the house with this deadly news.
The Mother, although she was ready to fall down dead with grief, yet her
distraction hurried her to the place of her Sons supposed execution,
that she might dye there; by such time as she was come thither, the
Father was come to himself, but was almost killed again with the bitter
words she gave him, telling him, he was her Sons murderer, calling him
wretched old Rogue, and using terms the most vile and outragious she
could imagine; and then she fell into a violent fit of crying, and
tearing her cloathes and hair, so that she seemed quite distracted: her
Son heard all this, and laugh’d at the conceit that his project had so
well taken; and the Mother, now in another fit, arising, went to catch
hold of her Sons body, which she supposed was hanging; but when she came
to it, thinking to grasp it, it being light, flew from her at the first
touch, and the hat falling off, it was soon discovered what it was.
All present were amazed at the contrivance: but the Mother still
continued crying out, if this be not, where then is my Son? At this all
sought about the room; and at length one looking out at a Garret-window,
saw him sit on the House-top; his mother was soon acquainted with this
pleasant news; to which she soon replyed, Oh, bring him in: but he
hearing her, replyed, that if his Father did not go down and leave
threatning of him, he would throw himself from the house-top, and kill
himself in earnest: the Father thinking that the desperate humour might
take him, was forced to be content; and so our young man descended the
house, and came in at the window, to the great joy of his sorrowful
Mother.