_An account and Character of such who went with me in our Voyage to a
Plantation_, viz.
O_ne Broken Tradesman_, 2 _Jilts_, 1 _Pretended poor Captain._ 1
_Counterfeit Libertine Minister._ 1 _Soldier of Fortune._ 1 _New
Exchange Girl_, 2 _Button-makers_. 1 _Orange-Wench._ 3 _Crackt
Maid-servants._ 1 _Stockin-Mender._ 4 _Common Prostitutes._ One whereof
was a large _Folio_, two of them in _Octavo_, and one in _decimo sexto_,
all loose in Sheets, of the first Edition imprinted at _London_. I might
otherwise name the first a Ship of the first Rate, an unwieldy bulky
thing, which would require more men than a Kingdom can well spare to Man
her, old and leaky too, and must be pumpt every hour to keep her above
water. The other next two had been tight Friggots, and excellent
Sailers; but length of time had so decayed their Hulks, that they were
unfit for any thing but Fire ships; the last was a pretty Pinance, but
damag’d much in her Rigging, and would serve for an excellent Pikeroon
still, having been from her Cradle taught the Art of Land-Piracy. But to
begin first with my
_Broken Tradesman._
His Father lived in _Excester_ in very good fashion, being one of the
principal of the City; and though he had a very good Trade of his own,
yet he thought it very incompleat to that of _London_, and thither must
his Son be sent. A Confectioner for his Master was provided him; but he
had not been with him ten weeks before the Confectioner found that he
was half undone by this sweet tootht Gutling; nay he ingenuously confest
to me that his Pockets were continually cram’d with all sorts of Sweat
Meats, as Pomecitron, Orange and Lemmon Pill, Comfits of all sorts, or
what ever Confections, as were dryed; and his reason was for so doing,
lest being sent on an errand he should lose any time in the indulging
his Palate: he did not so much as go to Bed unfurnisht, sleeping with
some sweet thing or other in his Mouth, that he might dream of the rest.
His Master concluding that he should be absolutely undone if he kept him
much longer, sent for his Father, who coming up removed him from thence,
and placed him with a Vintner, knowing experimentally that those that
are sweet tootht, are seldom Drunkards. But the Gentleman could not make
so much haste to go out of town, as his Son did to be drunk; in seven
days that he was in this Tavern, he was but five hours perfectly sober.
It was well he made so much haste to show his Inclination that he might
not put his aged Father to the expence and trouble of another journey.
His Father seeing he could devour trade so fast, and lest some such
should swallow him up at last, resolved to put him to one he could not
eat, (yet one, too many have worn Thread-bare) a Salesman; he seemed
diligent enough till his Father was gone out of Town, and then wanting
what the Indulgence of a Father continually bestowed upon him, he one
morning early put on a very handsome Suit that fitted him, and taking
along a very good _Bruxels_ Chamblet Cloak (which he sold) away he
marcht into the Countrey, committing many _petit larcenies_ by the way,
resolving (if it should fall to his chance) to die as near his friends
as he could. At _Huntington_ he was apprehended for stealing a Silver
Tumbler, but being known by some Relations he had in the Town, the
business was husht up, and he sent home. His Father admired to see his
Son return so soon after him, askt him the reason thereof, who craftily
replyed, he could not live so far from his Parents. Though the old man
was troubled that his Son should disappoint his expectations, yet he
could not but shew himself a Dotard in acknowledging his Sons natural
affection therein.
At last it was concluded on, that he should follow his Fathers Trade of
Mercery, which my young man did, till his Fathers death, which was about
two years after, but how faithfully, I must leave to those Parents to
consider, who have brought their Children to shameful ends, and thereby
have blemisht the spotless Reputation of their Ancient Families, by not
endeavouring to hinder the excursions of such debaucheries, as proceed
from their known vicious constitutions. His Father leaving him his
House, Shop and Goods, he so apparel’d himself, and spent so largely, as
in the excess neither had the conquest. These, and his Extravagant
Courtship made him the whole Town-talk. He had not hours enough in eight
days to visit his Mistresses in a whole week, although he should address
himself to one every hour of the day. His Love was so general, that he
would have enjoy’d them all, but the Law bounding his boundless desires
to give himself that satisfaction, he is most prone unto, he was forc’d
to elect one; it was strange he could not choose one honest Woman out of
so many; for she matcht his Cock, she proving more inclinable to Venery,
then he to any other Vice. As he reacht to the possession of all or
none, so none at all could reach her full satisfaction.
The Marriage was but just consummated, and they hardly warm in each
others embraces, when he turned his poor Mother out of doors, bidding
her go live elsewhere upon her Thirds, for they would have no Overseers
in their house, nor such who should continually disturb their quiet with
the tedious Lectures of Crab-tree morality. The Candle is now lighted at
both ends, if he spent liberally with friends abroad, she had those at
home to spend with and upon; and that she might not come short of him;
if she had heard he spent a Crown, she would double it in her expence.
For one half year two Taylors had nothing else to do, but to make them
new Garments; and when they and their Friends were together in a Tavern,
all the Drawers in the house were little enough to tend them; so
inconsiderately generous, that a Poetaster who could never arrive at the
hight of a Ballad, presenting him with a hobbling non-sensical
_Epithalamium_, he caused my ragged Rimer uncase immediately, and
cloath’d him so, that he lookt rather like a gawdy Actor, than a Poet,
bestowing over and above five pieces, then in his Drunkenness he might
the more freely trumpet out his bounty. By these courses his Shop was
altogether neglected, and few Commodities vended, but what his Wifes
Paramours took upon an everlasting credit. Growing now weary of
_Excester_, and such vulgar Countrey delights, (as he was pleased to
call them) he furnisht his Pockets with store of Money (having converted
a round sum of Silver into Gold), away he rode for _London_; where being
come, he omitted not any time which he might imploy either in places of
pleasure or pastime. And being tired here too with the variety of his
delights; and finding withal not above twenty pieces left, he mounts his
Horse with an intention homewards but by the way, having some business,
(as a Wench to see or so) at _Malborough_ on the _Downs_, he was met
with, and robb’d, and with a cut or two (for he resisted) he made a
shift to get to the Town. He had behaved himself so loudly ill, that the
report came thither, and those that would in his Fathers life time have
trusted him with 500_l._ would not now trust him with so many farthings;
so that he was forc’d to sell his Horse, and go home on foot.
His Wife in the mean time had not been idle in her expences, rioting in
that shameful manner, that the whole Town cryed out shame on her: those
deserved reproaches they daily threw upon her, made her resolve to lay
hold on the opportunity of her Husbands absence and secure what she
could to her own peculiar use, and quit the Town; to that intent she
consulted with her chiefest favourite, (and by the way take notice there
is no Whore so notoriously common, but she keeps one whom she loves
above all others, that shall take the freedom to beat her, abuse her,
strip her sometimes when his Pimp-ship is in the humour, and will
infallibly spend what ’ere she gets if she intends to keep her Flesh and
Bones from being under the Chirurgeons hands) I say consulting him, he
advised by all means to take some speedy course for her
self-preservation, it is an instinct infused into the natures of
irrationals; and therefore certainly man cannot be without. He needed
not use any arguments to perswade her to that she was already resolved
to put in execution; and therefore she only desired him to know how she
should secure the Goods in the Shop. _Let that alone to me_, said he, _I
will take that charge upon me_; and that he might charm her into a
consent, they talkt that in private, which the colour of their Faces
publickly discovered.
The night appointed being come, for the perfecting what they had
propounded, the Gallant was ready punctually at his hour with three or
four Porters, by the help of whom he quickly removed all the choice
Goods or any that were worth Porterage to a place appointed. Having so
done, he advised her to secure what Money and Plate there was in the
House; this was done so silently, that the Servants of the House were
not awakened by any noise they made; there was not so much Money and
Plate but it was portable enough between them; having thus contributed
to the robbing herself, away she trudges with her friend to another
place, than where he had sent the Goods; and having provided an Horse
before for that purpose, in the morning early away they rode to
_Plimouth_, about thirty miles distant, where having lodg’d her, and
promising to return speedily, takes a good quantity of Money with him,
and was never by her heard of after.
Her Husband coming home, and finding all things in this condition, was
about to hang himself, (and so he might, for few loved him so well as to
hinder him from it, especially now seeing there was no more good to be
done with him) but comforting himself, that his House was still left
standing, he grieved very little; for he was so little acquainted
hitherto with grief, that he knew not what it was. He had not rested in
it above one night, but he sold it, and what Goods remain’d, and it was
not two hours after before he was arrested, and so forced to part with
above three parts of what the Sale had brought him in, to discharge the
Debts he owed in that City. It was not long after that all was gone, and
in that juncture of time, his Wife returned with hardly a rag to cover
that nakedness, she had so often lasciviously exposed to view. What
became of her afterwards, I know not; but he to shun the daily flouts
and insupportable slightings of his Relations and _Quondam_ Friends,
footed it for _Barnstable_, and rather than through despair destroy
himself at home, he would try his fortunes by labouring in another
Countrey. The next Persons I am to treat of, are a Couple of
_Jilts_.
Fellows that must run through a many other faculties of an inferiour
Class, before they can attain to the true knowledge of this profound
Mystery; and having obtain’d this, they commence Master of Arts; which
Arts are divided into that of High-Padding, Low-Padding, Cloy-Filing,
Bung-Nipping, Prancers Prigging, Duds-Lifting, Rhum-Napping,
Cove-Cuffing, Mort-Trapping, Stamp-Flashing, Ken-Milling, Jerk the
Naskin, with many more of the quality.
Such were these two Jilts, who had they staid longer in _London_,
instead of taking shipping here, they would have taken Shippen at
_Newgate_, and Sailed up _Holbourn_, and passing by the dangerous Rocks
of St. _Giles’s_ would irrecoverably have been cast away at _Tiburn_.
I did not find by their discourse any great matter of ingenuity, having
not wit enough to practice any thing of their own designing; they were
old seasoned Rogues; and were content to tread in the same old Paths
their Predecessors had trod in before, without making any new discovery.
And therefore I shall give you an account only, that not daring to stay
longer in _London_, they were constrained to betake themselves to the
Countrey. The week before the Sizes they came to _Excester_, setting up
their Horses at an Inn, they presently (not to lose time) walkt to see
the City, and under that pretence to try what advantages they could make
therein, went into several Taverns, and where they could not get civily
into company they thought they might bubble, they rudely intruded, and
had like to have been soundly basted for their pains; they found that
Gaming would not suit their purpose in that precise place; therefore the
next day they resolved to experience what Jilting would do; and that
they might carry on their design with the less suspition, they bespoke a
Dish or two of Meat for Dinner in a Tavern, inviting the man of the
House and his Wife to eat with them, they called freely for Wine, and
drank pretty smartly; at length they were left alone, one of them steps
up the stairs, and gets into the Vintners Lodging Room, where seeing a
large Trunk, he attempts to open it with his Pick-lock, (which they have
of all sorts and sises from a Street Door to a Cabinet) being too long a
fumbling about his business, the Vintner came up to his Comrade the mean
time, and asking where his Friend was; the other replyed he was gone up
to the House of Office; _Nay, that cannot be_, replyed he, _for it is
below in the Yard_ and thereupon (his heart mis-giving him) he ran up
hastily the stairs, and looking back saw him that he left below at the
stair-head ready to go down, and the other that was above coming out of
his Chamber, not knowing how to seize them both, he cryed out, _stop the
Thief that is coming down_, and in the mean time clos’d in with him that
was above and struggling with him, he was forc’d to quit an Hundred
Pound-Bagg, that the Jilt had got under his Arm, which made the Vintner
then more eager to secure him: in short, they were both secured and
carried before a Justice; there needed no other evidence to convict
them, than a great bunch of those Pick-locks found about them. Upon this
they were committed, and that very Sizes (having miraculously before
escaped buzzing in the fist) both sentenced to be Transported.
Now give me leave to give you an account (if it be possible) of one that
is every thing, yet nothing. By his Garb, both a Gentleman, and a
Soldier too, and such an one is this
_Pretended (poor) Captain_.
His Ancestors by the Fathers side in a continued Line to him, have been
well known to be remarkable Beggars some Centuries; I know not, but that
they may draw their Original from King _Fergus_, or some other great
_Irish Prince_; for to this day the meaner sort of the Natives of
_Ireland_ had rather see their Children beg, than be mechanically
imployed, by following some honest Trade, or Occupation. And that is the
reason that so many serving-men, swarm from the middle and meaner sort
of them, learning to cringe when they are young, that they may beg, with
the better grace when they are old. His Grand-Father by an unhappy, or
happy accident, when he was a Child, fell into the Fire, and so scorcht
his face, that had you seen it, you would sworn it had been a young
scorcht Devils-head half roasted; I say by that advantage, (which others
would call a disadvantage) when he came to be of years, removing where
he was not known, he gained daily by begging considerably, pretending
that disaster came by powder, as he was couragiously fighting in the
famous Battel of _Lepanto_; and which to confirm the belief, he had lost
a Leg by a confounded Ulcer, which he pretended he lost by a Cannon
shot, at the same time. By which means he had got sufficiently to have
maintained his Son not in idle courses, if he had had the Grace to have
rightly used it; but he coming of Age, spent that in a Month, which his
Father had got in twenty scorching Summers, and as many cold benumming
Winters, scorning to degenerate from the Ancient practice of his
Predecessors; and like a Crafts-master, purchased a Seamans old suit of
Apparel, with his Red Cap, and had so rolled himself in Pitch, that he
might have served a whole City for a general Antidote in a Contagion. He
begg’d up and down the Countrey, (pretending to go home,) under the
notion of being cast away, and had lost all; and therefore desired the
Charity of well minded People, that it might be a means to carry him to
his friends and acquaintance. He had learn’d Sea-termes of Art, and
applyed them very well in all his wonderful relations. Coming to his
Quarters at night, after two or three deep fetcht sighs, he would in
general complain of his hard fortune, giving some small hints of what
considerable sums he lost this last Ship-wrack; then as if he corrected
himself for so doing in the discovery of his misery, he would say,
_well, it is but a madness and a great folly to grumble at the hand of
Providence. We must submit to Dispensations._ These sad Notes coming
from his Religious Organ-pipe, sounded so lowdly in the ears of his
Landlady, that she tuned them so among the Neighbourhood, that the room
wherein he was, fill’d presently.
He had an excellent faculty in telling a doleful story, and would Limn
the horrour of Ship-wrack so to the Life, that the womens eyes about him
dropt as fast as Water out of a Cullender; after this fell a showre of
two pences, single pence, half pence, _&c._ By this subtlety he never
wanted Mony, Victuals, strong Drink, nor good Lodging. And by the help
of a good Memory as I am informed he travailed in and about _England_,
begging in this manner, nine years, and never came in to a Town twice.
* * * * *
Our poor Captain the Son of this maunding Seaman, (that never saw the
Ocean, and therefore could hardly be otherwise Ship-wract, than against
a Whipping-post, or the Gallows) had another Spirit, whose Soul had
neither communication with, nor relation to the meanness of his Fathers;
for from his Childhood he begg’d as the Orphan of a wealthy Merchant,
whose Estate was embezel’d by the avarice of his Guardian, and since
lavishly spent by the profuse prodigality of his Son, since dead. That
now having neither Parents nor Friends left living, he was exposed to
this miserable way of craving the benevolence of the charitable. He made
a shift to live after this manner till he was fifteen years of Age; but
the People noting him to be a lusty Lad, threatned if he would not work,
to send him to _Bridewel_; that word so startled him, that he was
absolutely frighted out of that begging humour. Hearing at that instant
the Drums beat for Voluntiers in some forreign expedition, he listed
himself, and instead of Advance Mony, had Shoos, Stockins, Hat, and
Coat, Sword and Belt, with what else was requisite for a Soldier. And
now he shewed clearly what blood he had in him, and that his Mother had
the greatest share in his Generation. For when she was in her Ale, (as
she often would be) she never gloried nor boasted of any thing more,
then that her Husband was a Soldier at _Tilbury_ Camp, and that losing
his Thumb by firing his own Musquet, her Majesty gave him a Pension of a
maimed Soldier, that if he begg’d after-wards, it was no disgrace, being
so miserably disenabled from working.
* * * * *
This Sprightly young Soldier, being thus accoutred beyond his own or any
bodies expectation else, ramm’d in the Stones of the Street by his
strutting to some purpose, leaving not any place of the City unvisited,
that he might shew his Gallantry, especially such places he before had
begg’d in. You could not have affronted him worse, than to call him by
what name his Mother gave him, (for I question, whether he was
christian’d) and would be as ready to draw to vindicate his Honour. But
the Wind serving fair, and all things ready, setting sail, they arrived
in safety at their Port. What service he did in that expedition, I could
not gather from him, (undoubtedly it was his modesty that hindred him,
rather desiring to have some other Mouth to proclaim his worth than his
own) but this he confest, that his often hiding himself when any Party
was commanded to march out of the Garrison, occasioned his Officers to
tie him so often Neck and Heels, that he thought he should go double as
long as he lived, and that his Breech was grown stupidly sensless by
often riding the wooden Horse. However, he was constrained to tarry here
six years; but at length he grew so tired with watching once in four
dayes, and so scar’d with the dangers the frequent Alarms acquainted his
ears with, once in six weeks at least, that he resolved rather to
venture a hanging by his own fellow Soldiers, than run the hazard of
being shot by his enemies; and so watching his opportunity, got into a
Vessel bound for _England_, and came away, not affording those he left
behind, so much as a farewel; but being far enough off the Shore, cryed
out aloud, _Harm watch, Harm catch_. Landing at _Plimouth_, he bought
him an ordinary red Scarf, and made it into a Sling to carry his hand
in, which had as many Plaisters on it, as are used in an Hospital a
week, sowing it to his Shoulder, and tying a large bow knot on it; with
a Sword by his side, and a laced Hat, that he had purchased at second
hand, he walk’d the Streets, and had the impudence to address himself to
the Governour of the Town, in this, or the like manner.
_Although I have not the Honour to be acquainted with you, Great Sir, in
whose Person dwells (as I hear) all the Virtue and Valour of slain_
English Heroes, _by a Transmigration; yet I am not unknown to the_
African _part of the Macrocosme, where my single Sword hath eaten its
way through thousands, and hath afterwards drank it self into a surfeit,
with the blood of those Hell-dyed Infidels. My forward valour soon
rewarded my unknown Worth, and for no other reason, than I thought fit
to command the Destinies, having so great a power over Life and Death, I
was made a Captain. At first, the great care I had to preserve my own,
made me expose my self as their Target, to guard them from their enemies
Arrows, so that in one Battel, (wherein there was threescore thousand
men of the adverse party, there was but three hundred of them escap’d
with life to inform their friends of their Countreys loss,) I say, in
that barbarous conflict I return’d home, as thick stuck with Arrows, as
a porcupine with Quills; afterwards my Name served to fright the Rogues,
without fighting a stroak. But the long absence from my own Countrey,
possest me with so great a desire of seeing that blessed Soil, that gave
me breath, I resolved to acquit my Command, and happy in this
opportunity of tendring my Person and Services at the feet of a Soul so
magnanimous as your self._
Having finished his Formal bumbastical hyperbolical Speech, the Governor
was at a stand, what to do with this mighty _Garagantua_, having almost
disenabled his tongue from speaking, by biting it e’ne through, to
contein himself from laughing out right; but considering with himself,
promised him at last, that he would Muster him in his own Company for
the present, till he could find out something more suitable to his worth
and quality, and for the present gave him some Money, which our Captain,
getting drunk with all that night in the Company of some Officers into
which he had intruded himself, and taking the liberty of undervaluing
some of them in his prodigious cracking, was soundly kick’t for all his
lame hand. But such was the Fortune of War, that our Captain had not
trailed a Pike above a Month, before he stole a Chamber-Pot, two
Quart-pots, Flaggons, with some other Pewter, and sold them at another
Ale-house in the Town; with the Money he got drunk, and coming home to
his Quarters, his Landlady taxing him with the Theft, made no more ado,
but first abusing him in all the most opprobrius terms that a Whore
could invent, that had served three seven years Apprentiships to a
_Billingsgate_ Fish-woman, he then manfully beat her, and in that
manner, that she was forc’d to cry out Murder. Neighbours coming in,
seiz’d my valiant Captain, and in that pickle he was in, carried him
before the Governour, who on seeing him in that drunken condition, sent
him to the Mainguard, where he lay all that night as round as a Ball.
The next Morning he was tryed by a Council of War, and finding him a
Counterfeit, and that he was nothing but a commixt piece of Debauchery
and Villany, condemned him to run the Gauntlet, which he did on the
_Hoe_ of _Plimouth_, through his own Company, and another drawn up
thither for that purpose; and afterward at the old Town-gate, had his
Sword broken over his head, and so cashier’d.
This usuage was enough to make any one hate to be a Soldier as it did
him, for he resolv’d to settle to his Trade, yet he liked very well the
name of Captain, and getting far enough off from his disgracing place;
he so shaped his design, that he questioned not but that this Title
would be very advantagious: and to make a tryal how it would prove, he
applyed himself to a Gentlemans house, (at that time when Loyalty to our
Lawful Prince was accounted Treason against the Common-wealth) and
understanding by inquiry the name of the Person, and that he was a
strong Cavilier, (as they then call’d them) and a great lover of all
such, and knock’d at the door, and ask’d to speak with the master of the
House, naming him, he being informed therewith readily came, and my
Captain was as ready himself thus, in a low voice, to address
_Sir, Report renders you a lover of your King, and such as have suffered
for his Sacred Majesties sake. My Father was a Colonel, and his Loyalty
he could not better express than by dying in his Majesties Service at_
Edge-hill; _to revenge my Fathers death, and shew that I had the same
blood running in my Veins, I have not only ventured my Youth upon any
hazard, the boldest Cavalier ever yet attempted, but since, I have had
my Estate sequestred too, and dare not own my name._
This Forgery took so good effect, that it produced him forty shillings,
with directions to go to another Gentleman of the like Principles, about
ten miles distance; where addressing himself in the same or like terms,
the pretence took effect there too. Now did he buy himself a Sword, and
getting a white Cap on his Head, pretended himself sick too, as well as
maimed; by which means he pickt up a great deal of money; the Rogue was
grown so Covetous, and was resolved not to lose his labour where ever he
came; if he had not any money given him, he would infallibly steal
something in lieu thereof. Coming at length to the house of a person of
Quality, he addrest himself there as he had done else-where, the Knight
after he had given him money, commanded some of his Servants to carry
him into the Buttery; they knowing by the respects their Master shewed
him, he must be a Royalist, drank a Health to the King, and by degrees
to each of the Royal Progeny, not leaving out some of the Nobility, that
had been most eminently serviceable to the King, and by that time there
was none (not exempting the Butler) but had his dose; my Captain taking
the advantage of their disordered senses, was not contented with a Bowl,
but pickt up a silver Salt too, which one more sober than the rest
observing, let him go out of the Gate before he apprehended him; and
seeing that he was resolved to march off with them, seized him, and drew
him back again into the Court-yard, where demanding from him what he had
stoln, the Captain denyed the Fact, with many bitter imprecations, which
gathered the Servants about him, who searching him found the theft, who
if their Master had not interposed, they would have knockt this Imposter
in the head. He knew that the Law would punish him sufficiently, and
being a Justice of Peace, caused his Clerk to write his _Mittimus_, and
so was sent to _Exeter_-Gaol, where he continued till Sizes, and then
received the same Sentence, that had past upon the Jilts before.
Now since I have described one counterfeit that abused and robb’d the
Countrey, under the pretence of Loyalty; give me leave to Characterize
another counterfeit (the worst of the two) who under the Cloak of
Religion hid his debaucheries, whilst he deceived and deluded the
ignorant, especially the Female Sex, with his lowd, long, and
impertinent Praying, and false Doctrine, and that was the
_Counterfeit Libertine Minister_.
It is no wonder that he lived (as we do still) in a staggering age, for
the fall of _Adam_, broke the bones of his Children, and crippled his
posterity, so that we are both blind in our Judgments, and lame in our
Practises. At first he was made perfect, which was intimated by being
brought into the world naked, to signifie that the great Former of all
things was not ashamed of his Workmanship; but when the Devil sent
erroneous Tenents, attended with damned Practices into the world, he
advised the Brochers and Professors thereof to cover their deformity,
with the Mouth of tenderness of Conscience; but were their skins are as
tough as their Consciences, and their Flesh as hard as their Hearts,
they would be both Ax and Halter-proof; they might laugh at the Block,
and defie the Gallows.
This religious _Proteus_, this _Heteroclite_ in Divinity, (for he was
deficient in what he ought to do, or believe, and redundant in what he
ought not,) when he first appeared in a Tub, or a thing like a Pulpit,
he was, (as he acknowledged) like _Æsop’s_ Jay, in a dress of borrowed
Feathers, preaching the Works of other men, which must needs be the
worse for coming out of his defiled Mouth, as a Shirt worn by a polluted
Body. He mangled the modern Divines more barbarously, than an
Executioner a Traytors Body; not forbearing to give old _Priscian_ a
knock on the bald Crown. The height of his Eloquence consisted in
railing against Popery, calling Episcopacy the Sister of the Whore of
_Babylon_, running on in his Preachment like a mad-Dog, foaming and
open-mouth’d, yelping at the Honourable Clergy in general, and biting
his Brethren the Sectaries, whom he would have his Auditory believe are
as mad as himself; but having run himself out of Breath, what a humming,
and a spitting there was, and by the blowing his Nose, made many a
filthy Parenthesis; having concluded his Sermon, he Prayed, shutting his
eyes, and would rather utter non-sence, and tautologis, than use any
studied Form. All being finished, he steals out demurely out of the
Meeting-house with his Sword by his side (a Captain and an Independent)
and though he neither obeyed Christs Commission, or wore his Livery, yet
would be accounted one of his Menial Servants. Being got out, one would
thank him for the great pains he took; another invited him to Dinner; a
third, a fourth, fifth, letting them all alone till the tenth made his
proffer: at last, where he thought he should have the best
entertainment, there he would express the acceptance of the proffer. He
could not go amiss for his Supper; and to retaliate their kindness,
before the Cloth was laid, he would bestow on them a sleeping Prayer of
an hour and half, most commonly proportioning the time to that of
Supper-dressing. Certainly his design therein was like the Scribes and
Pharisees, who had never been condemned for long Prayers, had they not
been used as so many Graces before their cursed Meals of Orphans
Estates, and Widows Houses. He endeavoured to make his interest good
among the Females, knowing how prevalently powerful they are commonly
over their Husbands Inclinations, which he practised with so much craft
and cunning; first possessing them strongly with a good esteem of his
Holy Life and Conversation, that they verily believed one word of his
would either Saint them or Reprobate them, when he pleased; which he
perceiving, resolved to play the Gypsy with them, telling good fortunes
to none, but such as crost his hand with a piece of Silver; that is to
say, in private Meetings and Conferences, having occasion to speak of
such, and such, it lay in his power then to say that such a one to his
knowledge is a precious Saint, a constant hearer of the word, having an
excellent gift in Prayer, or such a one is lately fallen, she is started
aside into the by-paths of Sin and Iniquity, _&c._ So that you see by
Him, as well as by the Pope, the People might be canoniz’d for Money.
But imagining this Faction was not so powerful, nor encouraging as the
_Anabaptists_; and finding that the fading Gourds of his foolish hopes
and expectations of preferment began to wither; he in downright terms
fell about telling his Congregation, they must be Re-baptized, or they
must not hope for Salvation. He was amongst the _Anabaptists_ so long,
till (notwithstanding he was so highly cryed up for his powerful
teaching,) he had got seven young Sisters with Child in less than a
year, and it was shrudely suspected that he had made four of his
Brethren Cuckolds. Therefore he was by the voice of the whole
Congregation excommunicated, and delivered unto Satan. His hand being
now in, he was resolved to try all, till he might advance himself by
one. So that he might not be beholding to any. In this juncture the good
old Religion so long raked up in the dust, began to shew its heavenly
countenance again, whose glorious light these Owls and Batts durst not
look upon.
It is observed, that it hath been the fashion to wear yellow Ruffs; but
after one Mrs. _Turner_, a notoriously wicked Woman, was hang’d with one
of them about her neck, that Mode not only vanisht, but became
shamefully ridiculous; So this our Hypocrite seeing so many of his
Brethren (who had poysoned more with their Doctrines, than Mrs. _Turner_
with her Potions) go to the Gallows wearing the Liveries of a Sectarian,
thought it more eligible to turn Cat in the Pan, and become an _A la
mode_ Episcopalian, than let the fowl Fiend play the Hobgoblin with him,
as he had done many, tumbling such in the Mire, who lately sat in the
Saddle, tossing others till their necks were broken, and crippling
others both in their Estates and Opinions.
_Down with all such, let them no longer stand,
Base_ Caterpillars _that consum’d the_ Land,
_Who rent the Common-prayer-book and Lawn-sleeves,
And made the_ house of God a den of Theeves,
_And may the Sacred Pulpit e’re be free,
From such_ Quack-salvers _in_ Divinity.
Every one knowing how great a Changling this fellow was in Religion, no
body believed a word that he said; nor would either trust or imploy him
upon any account whatsoever; so that he was necessitated to take this
course, or do worse, by adding one more to the number of _Barbadoes_
Inhabitants; neither did he want a Volunteer abroad, upon the same
design, a lusty young sprightly fellow, a Man both of wit and courage,
though of slender Fortunes, and calls himself,
_A Souldier of Fortune_.
He was well born, and gentilely educated, who lived in a pamper’d
condition till the age of seventeen; at which time his Father dying, the
Estate fell to the Elder Brother, who mounting into his Fathers (yet
warm) seat, could not conceal his _Turkish_ cruel disposition against
his Brethren; yet though the Law held his hands from cutting off their
Heads, his austere countenance, and severe carriage towards them, did
notwithstanding cut off their hopes from ever expecting more than barely
what their Father left them in Money. Two hundred Pounds was this
Gentlemans Portion, who returning it to _London_, soon followed after,
where equipping himself suitable to the _Grandeur_ of the Place, and
Gallantry of the Persons he came acquainted with; he spent his time in
things so agreeable to his constitution, that his thoughts never climb’d
any other Heaven, than this his imaginary one, which he wisht might ever
continue. He scattered his Money apace, and how could he otherwise; for
his Exchange was a Tavern, his Lodging a Brothel; his _Hide-park_, a
Gaming Ordinary, his Study, a Play-house; his Associates, Bully Ruffins;
his Mistresses, Courtezana’s; had his constant attendants, Pimps,
Parasites, Spongers, Wheedlers, and such like. The Devil’s in them all,
if one was not enough to impoverish a Mint, or drain a Silver-mine,
though it reacht to the Centre of the Earth.
* * * * *
By this you may imagine his two hundred Pounds could not last long; his
Hangers on perceiving his Money was at the last gasp, fell off, being
loath to see so dear a friend depart. He was now left Moneyless, and
Friendless, and, what came nearest his heart, he was jeared, and flouted
by such he had formerly liberally expended on. As he past the streets,
he hath heard his old Comrades say one to the other: _There goes such a
one, shall we call him, and drink a Glass of Wine together? No, no, let
him go, pox on him: he hath not a Penny in his Pocket to bless himself
withall; he had Money once, but like a Fool, he could not keep it_;
which made him often repeat this true saying of the Poet;
_Non habet infœlix paupertas durius in se
Quam quod ridiculos homines facit——_
Were it not for that, Poverty is a property we might pride in; nor would
the Philosopher voluntarily have Shipwrakt his Fortunes, but that he
might purchase thereby that glorious Motto; _Omnia mea mecum porto_.
_Dioclesian_ so great an Emperor, that _Lætus_ parallels him with
_Jupiter_; nay, he allow’d himself to be call’d Lord, and God, and would
be sued unto, as a God; but having at last tryed sufficiently the vanity
of his own vain-glory, he freely without compulsion, laid aside his
Empire, and returned to a private life; being sollicited afterwards by
several to resume his former Power, and Glory, he absolutely refus’d it,
saying, _Did you see the Herbs set with my own hands in my Garden at_
Salona, _you would think me too good a Gardner, to become a miserable
Emperour_.
* * * * *
There was nothing grated on his Spirit more than to be slighted in this
his low condition, by such as he had supported from sinking into the
Earth: and that he might not longer be afflicted in this manner, he
projected several wayes, how might imploy himself in something, that
might remove him from the scorn and reproach of the world. His credit
was quite worn out, owing something in all the Taverns and Ale-houses
that he was acquainted withal, through the whole City, and would have
ran farther in their Debt, but that they not only hindred him from so
doing, but likewise threatned him, by taking a course for what he owed
already. This made him remove his Quarters to another remote quarter of
the City. His Cloaths were so good as that they gained him credit for a
Months Lodging and Dyet, in which time, he wrote several Ballads, which
he sold in the _Old Bailey_, getting for the worst half a Crown or three
shillings; but his Chapmen finding themselves losers by his works, did
so revile and vilifie him the next time they saw him, that he was
resolved to write no more, for it seems he had not writ Non-sense enough
to please the Commonalty; he had taken too much pains to express his
wit, and that spoiled all; soaring so high, the dim sighted vulgar could
not discern him.
* * * * *
One day walking abroad Melancholy to think his first design was
frustrated, he fell accidentally into the company of four or five, so
unsuitably or antickly habited, that he verily thought they could not
have cloathed themselves more out of fashion, than if for so doing, they
had consulted all the Brokers in _Long-lane_, or _Houns-ditch_. At
length by their toning of several scraps of Plays, and the whining out
of Lovers parts, he judged them to be Players of the worst Edition, and
that wanting some to compleat their number, they endeavoured to perswade
him to make one of their Stroling Company.
They needed not many words to perswade one, that knew not what to do
with himself; wherefore, he readily consented to their propositions.
Viewing them well, and their Habits, he absolutely concluded, that their
Company had been lately broken, and that they had shared
house-hold-stuff, every one taking what he could lay his hands on of the
Properties, (though very improper to wear publickly) with which,
necessity since hath forc’d them to cover their own nakedness. However,
he was resolv’d to go through, with what he promised, and so calling for
what was to pay, being one and twenty pence among them all, they made a
hard shift to pay the shot within three half-pence, and so marcht off.
They provided him a lodging, where they all lay that night, and the next
morning, their undertaker came, who summoning them all into a large
Room, there appeared also three or four Women, who with the rest
rehearsed their parts in _Actæon_ and _Diana_. After rehersal the
undertaker being informed what our _Soldier of Fortune_ was, came and
saluted him kindly, and welcom’d him into their Society, and giving him
his part to study, carried him to the Tavern, with some of the
three-quarter-sharers, and made him drunk at his initiation.
* * * * *
Having studied _Actæon_ and _Diana_, _Jack Swabber_, _Simkin in the
Chest_, _Miles the Miller_, _Simpleton the Smith_, with divers other
drolling farces, away they strolled into the Countrey, some in a Coach
(by reason of the Properties they carried with them,) others on Foot of
the meaner sort, and some on Horseback; had the most intelligent met
them, it would have puzzled him to have told what they were. The first
thing they did when they came to a Town, was to acquaint the Mayor
thereof with their intent, producing their Patent which authoriz’d them.
Having the grant of the Mayor, most commonly they were permitted the
Town-Hall to play in. At first, commonly they had usually such great
audiences, and got so much Money, that it undid them, for it made them
insolent, idle, careless, always drunk and continually quarrelling, so
that the Town and Countrey growing weary of them, their poverty also
made them weary of the Town. The next place they came at, it may be,
there they would endeavour to regulate those disorders; but no sooner
were they flusht, but they fell into the like confused Chaos. There was
seldom a Rehearsal in the morning, in which there was not some scuffle;
sometimes altogether by the ears, all engaged in a Quarrel, but none
knowing the cause of it. Their differences most commonly did arise from
ones exalting his own worth, by the undervaluing anothers, saying that
such a one had a greater share than he, though he deserved more; that
such a fellow had a noble part, when he had that of a Servant, whereas
he better merited to be a Prince, than the other a Foot-Boy; _Damn me_,
said another, that Fellow that speaks now hath no Soul; a Parrot would
be taught to speak better, and understand more than he; a Baboon treads
a Stage a thousand degrees beyond him; See but yonder Horse-fac’d Lover,
is he fit to act that part with that hunting face of his? it is enough
without the help of a Vizard to fright his Mistress into Convulsion
fits, or make a young Woman miscarry, that hath not half gone her time.
If reviling one another would not put them together by the ears, there
was another expedient would infallibly do it. There was one well
stricken in years, yet far more amorous or salacious than the younger,
and when she found not her accustomed pleasures, she judg’d that one of
those three, had stoll them from her; when jealousie had possest her of
that Opinion, she ne’re capitulated with them otherwise, than with her
hands, which she used so nimbly together with the nails, that had not
black Patches been in Fashion, I know not how without shame they could
have played. The Men on the other side, being known Rivals to one
another, could not forbear shewing their animosities, (as their parts
permitted them) one being run into the hand, another through the Arm,
making a real Tragedy of what was but pretended. Their Stock of Clothes
was very small so that a Parson was forc’d to Act in a Loyars Gown,
instead of one that was Canonical; a Bishop, with a Shepherds Crook,
instead of a Crozier, and a Cushion so dented, that the Corners might be
more perspicuous, instead of a Miter; they wanted a Target, and knew not
what to do, at last, the invention of one of the wittiest, helpt them to
a large Wooden Tray, and nailing a piece of Tape to the sides within,
served rarely well. The Actors were few, wherefore some Acted three or
four parts, nay one Acted two parts at once upon the Stage, the King,
and the Nobleman; when as a Nobleman in a long mourning Cloak, (for they
could get nothing else, that could nearer represent him by) he spake to
an _Indian_ Gown that lay in a Chair, with a Past-board Crown that lay
upon it, all bedawbed with yellow, (and I know not what Colours) by a
Countrey Sign-Painter, to make it look like. Having ended his Speech, he
threw off the long Cloak, and putting on the Crown and Gown, he then as
a King returned an answer to the Cloak, I mean the Nobleman, making a
many changes, till the conference was over. The Nobleman _i. e._ the
Cloak, being taken off the Stage, that is, having made his _exit_, it
was the Kings Cue to seat himself a while, to give audience to a person,
that had great concerns with his Majesty, whole Speech being long and
his memory treacherous, he had not gone a quarter through his Speech,
but that he was irrecoverably out, past all prompting; the King not
knowing how to help, and the audience eagerly expecting his going on, at
last it came into his head, ingenuously to tell him that he had heard
enough, he would hear the rest within, by which means the Play went on.
One Market-day, (which was the chief time they pitcht on) they Acted a
Play, (by the invitation of some Gentlemen in a Tavern,) in which there
were two which fought on the stage, which were supposed Clowns, and were
to baste one another to some purpose. A Countrey Gentleman being there
present, and having never seen a play, but this Acted once before, and
seeing them fight again in the same manner, as they had done before,
steps hastily down stairs, and bringing up a Bottle of Wine in his hand,
interposes between them; telling them they should not thus bear a grudge
one to the other, but that they should be friends; and to that end he
had brought a Bottle of Wine, that they should shake hands, and drink to
each other, and would not stir, off the place, till he had seen them so
do, and go too, off a several way. That Scene was spoyled, however they
played on, and coming to the third Scene in the fourth Act, these
Fellows were to enter again; the Gentleman seeing them together, and
facing each other, ran from his seat to them again; swearing that he
that gave the first blow, should beat him too; _What_, said he, _cannot
we be quiet here, but you two Logger-heads must spoil the Play_? This
put the whole audience into such laughter and confusion, that the Play
was forced to be deferred till another days action.
They staid not long in a place, the People being tired with such costly
novelties as they call’d them, which made them ramble every where.
Coming to _York_, they had the same success at first, as they found else
where, but had like to have been scared out of their wits. For one day
acting a Play, wherein the King of _Scots_ was to be murdered
barbarously by his Subjects, and having intimation of the suddain coming
of the Assassinates, condoled his own unhappy Fate, and condemns the
treachery of his Subjects proceedings; is there no hope of Life, is
there never a true Scot, that now dares stand by me? A Scot there
present, seeing the murderers come in with their drawn Swords, cryed
out, _there is one left still, my neen sel, yar een Country-man. Let the
Deel fill my wem with smaw steans, if I make not the Loons eat my Sward
as smaw as_ Saunies _durch_. And thereupon drew his broad Sword, and at
them he came as desperately resolved, as if they had been real enemies;
and notwithstanding the King intreated him to be patient, he grew more
furious, and would have prosecuted them to death, had not his supposed
Majesty held him in his arms, till they had made their escape. Not long
after this they were invited to act at a Gentlemans house in the
Countrey, where they acted their parts so badly, by stealing several
pieces of Plate, that some of them had like to have acted their last;
Our Soldier of Fortune fearing by their ends, he might come to his last,
fled away privately to _London_; where he betook himself to his Pen
again, altering the Scene of his former design. Observing what large
encouragement some received from their Dedications, he resolved to make
tryal of scribling too: the first that he wrote was indifferently well
accepted of, it being an _Hodge podge_ of Translation, Transcription,
Collection, and his own Composition; he Dedicating it to a Person of
Quality, was largely rewarded; had he stuck here he had done well, but
being infected with the base ingratitude of Mercenary Scriblers, he
presented his Book to at least twenty more, with the same Dedication,
the name onely altered, which brought him into so great dis-esteem
amongst such as would have been his constant Benefactors, that ever
after they would never accept of his Presentations.
And now poor Gentleman, not knowing what to do, walking melancholy in
the _New Exchange_, he took special notice of a young Trader, who eyed
him as much, as he her (for he was a handsom proper young man, and had
cloaths on his back, a Gentleman needed not to be ashamed to wear,) they
gazed at each other a pretty while at a distance, but Love quickly
brought them nearer together. For having money in his Pocket, he
approacht the Shop with a Pretence to buy some Linnen, where having seen
some of several sorts, he bought some, the better to engage her in a
discourse. He askt her whether she was single, and whether that was her
Shop? she answered, she was married, and therefore had nothing she could
call her own. _How Madam_, (said he) _I cannot doubt but that you have
many Virtues, which you may justly call your own; you have Beauty too,
and admirable outward parts_. I thank your good opinion, _Sir_, (said
she) but I look upon her as unworthy to deserve the name of an owner,
that either cannot, or durst not give what is in her possession; _though
you cannot give, Madam, yet you may so dispose of that beautious mirrour
of your Sex, your Face, or what else you have, as that the frequent loan
thereof, may be esteemed equal to the gift_. She was quick of
apprehension, and understood his drift, and though she answered him not,
yet her smiles shewed a sufficient satisfaction to his amorous
discourse, and her blushes bid him do if he durst. To be short, he won
her so absolutely to himself, in a little time, that she had nothing in
her Power, which she did not freely give him, till her Husband had
almost nothing left, and suspecting the infidelity of his Wife, watcht
her so narrowly, that her Enamorato enjoyed her rarely, and seldomer had
his wants supplyed.
* * * * *
Now was he forced to look out again, but it was not long before he was
informed of a Maid that was very well to pass in the world, somewhat
ancient, and had she not had some few natural deformities, she had never
lived a Maid so long, for she was long-nos’d, thin lipt, beetle-brow’d,
short neckt, bunch-backt, and hopper-arst. This dismaid not him, knowing
she had Mony to make all good; and so with a little Court-ship; (she
being already ravisht to think, (her hopes of marrying having long since
taken leave of her,) she should be joyned to a young man, and a handsome
man to;) I say the Marriage was quickly hudled up: I did not hear they
had many quarrels the first week; but not many weeks past over their
heads, before his extravagancy, and her covetousness, could not agree.
Besides, she grew intolerable jealous, (as most do who are conscious of
their own imperfections,) and shewed so many of her damned qualities,
that he lived a hellish life with her; had he not been a fool, he might
have known before what she was.
* * * * *
She had better been quiet, for the more unquietly he lived at home, the
more jocundly he spent abroad; till in fine he spent all, so that he
resolved to leave her, and return to his former Mistress, who is now
aboard, I mean
_The New-Exchange-Girl_.
She was born in _Lancashire_, and coming up to _London_ with the Carrier
to get a Service, it was ten to one she had not been pickt up by some
Bawd, they continually laying wait at all the Inns in the Town, for the
coming up of handsome Girles. It was the hap of a Semstress in the
_New-Exchange_ to meet with her: and seeing her to have a well featured,
and well coloured Countenance, took so great a liking to her, that she
took her home with her. She knew well enough what she did, being not
ignorant, that a handsome young Girl in a Shop, will attract as many
Beauty hunters to her shop, as sweet things will draw Flies to a
Confectioners Stall. She had not lived long with her Mistress, but as
she was envyed by her Neighbouring Apprentices, so she was admired and
courted by many of the Gallants of that end of the Town. Her Mistress,
who found the sweetness of the incomes of her new-come Servant gave her
much more liberty, and countenance, than she had done any before,
cloathing her in as good a habit, as might become such an excellent
Face, and the Esteem that Gentlemen of Quality had for it.
* * * * *
She had by this time purged her self of the barbarisms and impurities of
the English tongue, by the daily converse she had with the Ladies, and
Gallants of the Court, and had learnt _decorums_ in Carriage, as well as
elegancies in Language. Her Mistress was much too blame in suffering her
to wait upon Gentlemen at their Chambers, with Shirts, Sleeves, Cravats,
_&c._ though it is customary, yet dangerous to those that would preserve
their Honour. By which means she had so many temptations offered to her,
that the like would have taken in the _Maiden Fortress_ of a _Vestal
Votaress_. They courted her with those Golden-Showers, which infallibly
conquer, (having _Jove_ for their President) no wonder then if she
yielded to her overcomers.
* * * * *
This still brought in more Grists to her Mistresses’s Mill who gave her
good Council to have a care of the Temptations of the Flesh; but she
could discern by her Eyes her advice came too late: and knowing that
Trade would not last long, gave her in a manner her own freedom, asking
her leave, when she went abroad; but yet her Mistress was not such a
Fool, but she knew well enough to whom she granted liberty to go abroad
with her Servant; good Customers you may be sure. There was not a day
hardly past, but she was Coacht; but at length she hackney’d it so long,
that she got an ambling Nagg. Being recovered, she scorn’d to be dismaid
for one hard bargain, but ventured at it again, and again; and now she
was grown to that pass, she cared not, but cryed, _Clap that Clap can_,
bearing in among them, firing Gun for Gun.
* * * * *
Her Mistress having reapt the utmost of her Harvest, advised her to keep
in till she was well, and being so, make the best and quickest advantage
she might of getting a Husband, for she told her, that she must stay
with her no longer, she being so great a scandal to her Profession. My
young Gentlewoman was over-ruled, courted, and a little after married,
about two years before our _Souldier of Fortune_ came acquainted with
her, he now re-inforces his suit, and tells her withal, if she will be
ruled by him, they should both march off together, it was agreed on,
that she should observe her opportunity, and take what Money and Goods
of her Husbands she could, and come to him; which accordingly she did:
and now being both glad, that the one should be freed from a cross
grain’d impotent Husband: and the other from a jealous deformed, ill
condition’d Wife, they both went to the West of _England_, not intending
then to leave the Kingdom; but finding a Ship ready to Sail for
_Barbadoes_; and judging themselves not secure, till they got thither,
or to some other forreign Plantation, they resolved to go, carrying
Money enough to pay their passage, and Goods to live ashore on.
* * * * *
But let me not forget my promise, but give you an account of the rest in
order; the next are,
_Two Button-makers_.
They are hardly worth taking notice of, and therefore I shall not much
trouble my self about them. They were brought up in _London_, and
therefore they were capable of driving a Trade in the Countrey: and
indeed they were forced to make that their refuge or Sanctuary. For in
the place aforesaid, they were known to be such notorious Night-walkers,
and Pick Pockets (for which they had been so often in those two famous
Universities, _Newgate_ and _Bridewell_,) that they resolved to go
elsewhere: making choice of _Excester_, a place so remote from their
former habitation and acquaintance, that they assured themselves of a
new credit, amongst a People so altogether unknown to them.
* * * * *
There they took a Chamber, (lying together) and went for two Sisters;
the noise of two _London_ Button-makers coming down to inhabit in that
City, quickly reacht the ears of the Shopkeepers therein, and that word,
_London_ carried so great a sway, and esteem with it, that they were
presently imployed, and had much work a days. A young Mercer, newly set
up, fell in love with one of them, and prosecuted his Suit so closely,
that though with much difficulty (she giving him many repulses to make
him the more eager in the pursuit), yet he at length obtained his
desires, and so fond he was of his enjoyments, that his business must
needs lie at six and sevens, since, all the day after, he imployed his
time in the Company. She like a Cunningham, at last fearing the Proverb
will prove true, (_Hot love grows soon cold_,) she pretended herself
with Child, which in two Months time grew so monstrously fast, that he
must believe what his eyes saw so apparently. His Breech made Buttons
too now, and not knowing how to save his Reputation, he consulted his
best wits again, and again; at length found this the only expedient to
preserve his endangered credit, that is, to give her a good sum of Mony,
with which he might perswade her to remove into the Countrey. He
propounded this to her, (and although she was ready to leap out of her
skin to see her Design take so good effect,) yet she would give no
hearing to it, but falling on her knees, beg’d that he would save hers,
and his own Reputation, by making her an honest Woman, that is, marrying
her: if he would not condescend to that, she would admit of no other
terms, but what sudden death should make her the overture of.
Some days he spent in perswading her; getting her good will; he gave her
a sum of Money to accommodate her lying Inn, in the Country; giving a
good part to her Comrade, and ordering her to stay till her return,
which should be speedy; she took leave of her Lover, as if she had been
doing the like to her Soul going a Voyage to the other world. But she
was no sooner out of sight, but she re-assumed her former jolly temper;
coming to an Inn (where she was to lie that night) _she there miscarried
of a Cushon_. To carry on her project with the least suspition, the next
day she went for _Bristol_, where staying four or five days to recreate
her self, and see the curiosities of that City, she removed to another,
from thence to a third, fourth, and fifth, only to prolong time, that
she might not be suspected on her return. Six weeks being expired, she
shap’t her course homewards, where being arrived, she found her Comrade
had not been idle, but had imployed those hands she sate on to a very
good advantage.
* * * * *
Her Lover hearing of her return played least in sight; and although he
heard that she had cast her Colt, yet would not come nigh her, for fear
of paying as dearly for his pleasures, as he had done before; and so
resolved to acquit her for ever. Yet his forsaking her did not hinder
other Visitants. To conclude, they had cheated so many with the pretence
of being with Child, that the younger-Fry were afraid to come near them,
being lookt upon by the Town, no other than a Couple of subtle Trapans.
Their Trade thus miserably decaying, they resolved to try what effects
Night-walking would produce. So stroling about one evening, with their
white Aprons spread as a Flagg of Truce, they walkt a long time before
they could meet with any fit for the purpose; in short, when it was
grown late, they met with a Gentleman coming out of a Tavern, more than
half drunk, whom they pickt up, the bargain was quickly struck, and into
an Entry they went, one of the Sisters standing at door as a Centinal;
at length (quoth she within) _Good Sir, let me go, the Watch is coming_;
which he hearing, stept nimbly into the street, because he would not be
found with Females in so suspected a place; casting his head about, he
perceiving his two Wenches make more than ordinary haste, he presently
suspected that they had shew’d his Pockets foul Play; wherefore putting
his Hands therein, found his Watch missing, he straightways ran after
them, and just overtook them as he met with the Watch, by whom they were
secured, and being searcht, the Watch was found; the next day they were
carried before a justice, who upon Examination, finding them guilty,
committed them to Gaol. At the Sizes, such a general complaint (besides
this theft) came in against them by the sober Citizens, for debauching
and ruinating their Servants, that they were both sentenced to be
transported. The same Sizes was doom’d another after the same manner,
and for the same practice, whom whosoever marries, hath got a wife with
a treble Trade, a Whore, a Thief, and a Stockin-mender; but fearing lest
if I handle her, I shall offend your Noses, I shall pass her by, and
present your Nostrils with the perfume of
_An Orange-Wench_.
_Fair Oranges,——Fine Lemmons_, a cunning Slut, who by a fifteen years
practice, had got her trade to her fingers end! She used that cry in the
streets of _London_ at first, to get her a livelihood; but her Face had
so cryed her up, that her Gallants would have decryed her Trade, as too
mean a thing for her to follow; but she would not be perswaded to it,
fearing she should be abridged of her Liberty. For whilst she had the
liberty of roving every where, she had the priviledge and freedom to go
boldly into a Tavern, where she not only sold her Ware, but had the
convenience to truck for a Commodity of another sort. She was witty, and
very well furnisht with a drolling Common-Place-Book, out of which she
could suit any merry discourse whatsoever. By which means her company
was so generally coveted, that she could not pass the streets, but that
some or other out of a Tavern-Window would call her up, who would empty
her Basket, fill her skin with Wine, only that they might make some
sport with her. A wealthy old Widower, an Ale-house-keeper, knowing how
generally she was belov’d, cared not much to be made a Cuckold, so that
he could but increase his Trade, which he knew he should do, if he
married her, which he did by a very expensive Courtship, she not caring
if he had spent every groat.
* * * * *
She lived with him some years, in which time they had got a world of
Money, the house being seldom full before, but since her coming thither,
always filled for her sake. The old fooll (having gotten enough) began
now to dote on her, and grew so jealous, that he could not abide to see
her in any company that was younger than himself, which she not
enduring, made up a good Purse of Money, and went into _Yorkshire_,
where attiring her self like Widow, every one believed that she was so,
and behaved her self so generously in all her deportments, that she soon
had Suiters of good quality swarming about her. She was so crafty, that
she never countenanced those, who had ever made the least scruple by
enquiring what she was, whence she came, what she had, _&c._ but
scorning such enquiries, would sometimes frankly say, when many of them
were together; _Gentlemen, I wonder you should busie your selves about
me, I trouble you not, therefore trouble not me; I intend to borrow no
Money of you, and leave an Estate mortgaged for the payment; I have
enough, and will lend you some upon good Security, if that you come
for_. An old stale Batchellor (a Semi-Usurer) hearing this, strikes in
with her, tell her he had Money enough too, (which she had heard before)
and that if she pleased to make a scrutiny into the truth thereof, she
might; however he would not question her Estate, but be very well
contented, if she had no more than what was on her back; she desired
some time to consider on so weighty a matter as Marriage was; not
considering before what it meant, however she was alotted a very good
Husband, and should she now marry a worse, it would be her
hearts-breaking. He promised her every thing so fair, that it cleared up
all her doubts, and so they joyned together in a Matrimonial tye.
The Husband she left in _London_, was not only Horn-mad, but stark-mad
for the loss of his Wife, and so diligent he was in the search of her,
that like _Scoggin_, looking for a Hare in the Roof of a House leaded,
so he sought her not only in places probable, but as unlikely to find
her. His enquiry was so indefatigable, that at length he heard that she
was in _Yorkshire_, and was informed of the place wherein she was. Over
joy’d at the news, he immediately takes horse, and rides away towards
her, resolving to forgive her whatever she had done, if she would return
with him, not knowing she was married.
The old man came just to Town as it was her hap to look out at the
window; she knew him streight, and was ready to drop down dead, to think
what would be become of her; but a Womans wit, which is alwayes best at
a push, prompted her to call hastily for her Husband, who running to
her; _What is the matter_, said he? _O Husband_, said she, _Do you see
yonder Man on Horse-back? Yes, yes_, he replyed; _then pray thee
Sweet-heart run quickly and dog him where he Inns; and having so done,
return with all the speed you can possibly_: never did Foot-boy dispatch
a Ladies errand speedier than he; and being returned; _Now my dear_,
said she, _I will tell thee how happily things fall out; as I was
looking out of that window, I saw that man you dogg’d, I have not seen
him these five years before, he was indebted to my husband in the sum of
300_l. _the Money hath been due long since, and not yet paid, it is
thine now, go instantly and arrest him at thine own Suit, I will prove
the Debt, his name is ———_ This obedient Coxcomb performed what his Wife
desired him to do: This Brother Starling of his being not acquainted in
the place, and not being able to produce Bail, was constrained to go to
Prison, where we leave him, vowing and protesting he neither knew the
Man, nor ever owed in all his life half the sum. In the mean time our
_Orange-woman_ had perswaded her Husband to give her leave to go to
_London_ with all speed and fetch the Bond she had left in a friends
hand, and if need required, bring the Witness down; _there is no fear
Husband,_ said she, _of the Money, for his Estate consists solely in
that, imploying it in buying Cattle in_ Ireland, _and transporting them
into_ England; _I have laid wait for him many and many a time, but never
could meet with so happy an opportunity_.
* * * * *
Her Husband poor credulous Gentleman, believed every word she said, and
consented to her motion, with much alacrity. The next day the Stage
Coach was to set forth, so he went streight and bespake a place, whilst
she had fixt every thing for her next dayes journey. That night, when
her Husband was fast asleep, she took the Key of his Closet out of his
Pocket, and opening it, she unlockt a Cabinet, and took thence a hundred
pieces of old Gold, which had lain there many a year undisturbed. In the
morning by time, after a great deal of seeming sorrow that she should be
thus necessitated to be absent from her dearly beloved Husband, she
entred the Coach, and was quickly out of sight. At the first
Baiting-stage the Coach came at, she altered her resolution of going for
_London_, telling the Coachman, she had extraordinary business some
fifteen miles out of the way, and that if he would drive the Coach that
way, she would reward him; he told her it was impossible to be done,
(which she knew as well as himself), _But Madam,_ said he, _you have
paid the Coach, and you may do as you please_.
* * * * *
She hired a Horse presently, and a Man to ride before her, and having
rid till it was almost dark, she caused her Man to make what haste he
could to the next Inn, pretending she was mistaken in the length of the
way. The next morning calling for a Quart of Mull’d Sack, she drank to
her Man, making him very merry, and then told him, she was resolved to
go for _Chester_, having business of greater moment to dispatch there
first; so giving him a Crown for his own pains, & half a Crown a day,
for so long as they should be out, the Fellow was very glad of, knowing
his Master would be pleased with him for so doing. Coming there, she
dismissed the Fellow, and hearing there were Ships ready to Sail, the
next day she went to _Holy-head_, and there imbarqu’d for _Dublin_.
How her two Husbands in her absence agreed I know not; but she no sooner
thought her self secure in this strange Country, but she appear’d as
splendid in Apparel, as the greatest Court-gallant of them all, and with
a new Surname Coacht it with the best of them, and marryed again, (a
thing too often practised there) and lived so long there, till she had
spent what her Husband had gotten in many years labour; and now when all
was gone in a manner, she falls into the acquaintance of a young huffing
Blade, who not daring to stay longer in _Ireland_, (by reason of the
many Debts he owed there) perswaded her to go for _Bristol_ with him,
where she should have what her heart could desire. Having a greater love
for his Person than she had a belief to what he promised, she yielded;
and without trifling away time, put their purpose into present practice.
Being at Sea, they had like to have split upon the Bishop and his twelve
Clerks, (Rocks so called lying to the Southward of _Wales_) had she been
there lost, any one that knew her life and conversation, might have
lookt on it as a just Judgement, having abused and violated those sacred
Laws the Church hath injoyned her to observe by her most detestable
Polygamy. However, they were hindred from putting into the Port they
were bound to, and instead thereof, arrived at _Barnstable_; where in a
little time after their arrival, he growing weary of her, took every
Penny she had, not leaving her wherewithal to discharge her Quarters.
She was rightly served, and may all such meet with punishments suitable
to their notorious practises. The fear of her Husband knowing where she
was, and the fulness of her own temper together, (seeing she should be
thus outwitted) made her thus resolve the tryal of retrieving her
misfortune in a foreign adventure. Almost on the same Basis or
Ground-work was founded the desperate resolution of our two Crack’t
Maiden-Servants. For the one was tollerably handsome, and thought her
self meat good enough for her Master, or his Son; The latter of which
she liked best, but he fitted her not to her liking; for having gotten
her Maiden-head, (by promising her Marriage) and with Child to boot,
marryed another; She being foolish, and having no Friends to advise her
how to compensate her loss by suing him, she only took pet, put finger
in eye, and vow’d she would never see him; a shrewd threat for one that
was glad to be rid of her. Her Companion with her knowing her
resolution, having staid to the age of near forty, and not one so much
as proffering to kiss her, (for indeed had you seen her when she had
drest her self with all the advantages her utmost Art could use, you
must have turned your head aside,) I say having lived thus long a Maid,
(I dare swear for her) and never expecting to have to do with any
Christian, she had some hopes that she might be a subject fit enough for
some barbarous Black Diabolical Infidel, to get Cannibals upon.
And now having given you an account of what Cattle we had aboard, except
only what I have purposely left to bring up the Reer, and they are four
_Common Prostitutes_.
Not to describe them particularly, but all of their Function in general;
They are things of prodigious strength, which is sufficiently manifested
in the ruin of the strongest Man, and back-sliding of the wisest Man. I
hardly know, or have heard of any whom they have not stagger’d,
excepting _Job_, who firmly stood maugre the Devil, and his Wife.
* * * * *
In the faces of the common Traders by diligent search, you may find some
Raggs of over-worn Beauty, like old Clothes in Brokers windows, to make
you believe that there are better wares within; yet he that trades with
them, is like to have a bad bargain, for she can sell him nothing but
the Pox, or Repentance. As for their upper parts, they are the Shops of
_Cupid_, and their lower parts are his Warehouse. Length of time makes
them turn Bank-rupts, spoiling their Game by wrinckling their faces,
which paint must rectify, but so hardly, that with all their black Spots
and Patches they look but like a rusty Gamon of Bacon stuck with Cloves,
scarce so beautiful, but not half so savoury; coming to this Age, she is
like a rotten stick, only fit to kindle green ones. In short, they are a
loathsome stinking Carreon, too unclean to enter into Heaven, too
diseased to continue longer on Earth; the shame and stain of her Sex,
the scorn of wise-men, and utter ruine of fools. These two Brase of
Whores were taken up at _Excester_ upon the like account as the former
Females were, for Whoring, Filching, and debauching, and so suffered the
same doom with the rest. That famous City since it had a name, had never
been so pester’d before with such a brood of Cockatrices. It is true,
your _London_ Doxies will go down into the Countrey sometimes for their
pastime, with their Cullyes, but when ere they come, it is but a touch
and away, but these deluding and destroying _Syrens_, staid so long,
till they were ready to spawn, and had not their own too publick Roguery
detected them, they in a little time longer might have infected half the
Countrey.
Our Master having intelligence of this brave booty, rode to _Exeter_,
where agreeing for this parcel of Cattle, he took them all down with him
to _Barnstable_, shipping them immediatly upon his arrival; not long
after my Rogueship (being nipt in the Bud of my Roguish designs, my
forwards prancks shewing what a dangerous fellow I might prove if I were
let alone to grow up in them,) was committed to the custody of the
Master of the Ship, to carry me with the rest to some remote place far
enough distant from _England_, that it might not be disturbed with the
noise of our lewd and vitious Practises. I had not been many hours among
them, before I began to take special notice of my new Comrades, and not
many dayes e’re I drew such remarkable observations from them all, as to
give you this account of them, the major part whereof is the extract of
their own confessions; and now I shall proceed as to our Voyage.